Thoughts from 5 Weeks Post Op..

It looks a bit different than I thought it would.

So before I had surgery, I had big plans for post op life.  I started a diet plan and set goals that seemed pretty reasonable (to an  unreasonable endurance athlete).  *laugh*  "Well, of course, I will be able to run a marathon in September just a 18 weeks after back surgery."  I can do anything!  LOL.

While it is true that anything and everything is possible.  There comes a time when you need to have a "sit down" with yourself and be completely honest.  There comes a time when you need to look at the goals you set and decide if these are goals based out of Ego or goals that are real and S.M.A.R.T. and more importantly, will these goals bring you inner peace or tear you apart in reaching them.  What is more important?  Ego or Inner Peace?

One thing is for certain, having a back injury for several month and then having surgery and having to recover and slow down WILL make you come face to face with your Ego and your demons.  You can either listen or you can keep running.  For me, it was time to listen.  Why?  Because when I kept running, it hurt..physically hurt!

So here I sit 5 weeks post op and realizing that my life is looking much different than I thought it would.  And that is okay.

First of all.  I can now tell the difference between surgical pain and back pain.  The surgical pain is gone.  What I feel now is back pain.  It can take up to 6 months for the nerves to heal from the back injury, and I won't lie and say I am a bit scared.  "What if it doesn't go away?"  I  have DAYS without pain, but then if I do too much the pain is back.  What is too much?  Well, that is a great question.  I'm still not allowed to lift more than 10 pounds.  I'm not allowed to bend over and reach for things.  I'm not allowed to twist.  Sexual intimacy is allowed as long as I am not in pain.  Walking as far as I want to walk is allowed as long as I am not in pain for 2 hours AFTER the walk.  If I am still in pain 2 hours after an activity, then I have done too much.  I have been walking a little over 2 miles almost every day.  Sometimes its close to marathon pace and sometimes its just slow.  But that is okay. I'm out doing it.  Of course, this is as far as I have gone.  Which (in case you are paying attention) means I am no where NEAR ready to do a marathon anytime soon!  Coming to terms with that was quite painful.

Goal setting and weight loss...this is all part of the journey of my life.  When I miss the mark, it just means I need to sit down and rethink life.  What is realistic.  What am I able to do right now?  So, as part of this journey, I had to look at my life and my intentions.  I realized that the marathons were all about the bling at the end and Ego feed.  I realized doing them this year was going to cause me a great deal of pain and maybe even undo surgery.  So for physical activity, my goals have changed. I need to focus on my core strength.  When I am cleared by the doctor, my goals will be to focus on my dance (a core activity), take some restorative yoga classes and continue with my walks maybe getting them up to 5K distances soon, oh and get back to roller skating.  All of these are core activities and gentle on my body..which is what it needs.

As for weight loss......I had a great conversation with another trail running friend who lives in Texas.  His name is Brandon.  He and I have the same addictions to pastries and have the same behaviors.  So we decided to become accountability partners.  We set S.M.A.R.T. goals with each other for short term goals as well as long term goals (or at least long term for him....)  I am still stuck on short term goals.  *laugh*  We check in almost daily with each other.  But one of the best things he told me was.... "Be happy, Martha."  Simple, but so profound.

Before this conversation with him, I had purchased a book (based on the title) from the relationships section of the book store. It was called Love is Letting Go of Fear.  I thought it was going to be about relationships (like romantic stuff), but after talking with Brandon, I decided to start reading it and I found out that it applies to EVERYTHING in my life.  And the most important relationship it talks about is the relationship with myself!  There are some great quotes I want to share (some of them really fit into my weight loss and health journey....)

*****"Fear always distorts our perception and confuses us as to what is going on.  Love is the total absence of fear.  Love asks no questions.  Its natural state is one of extension and expansion, not comparison and measurement"  (How often are we unhappy because we compare ourselves to what other people think we should look like or be?  Or we compare ourselves to what the media says is perfect?  Then we let fear and disappointment take over instead of just Loving ourselves the way we are and letting love spread!)

****"Although Love is always what we want, we are often afraid of Love without consciously knowing it, and so we may act both blind and deaf to Loves presence.  Yet, when we help ourselves and each other let go of fear, we begin to experience a personal transformation."  (We want acceptance, but we don't know what to do with it when we get it!  We find a way to sabotage it.  This is as true when talking about the relationship with ourselves as it is when referring to romantic relationships.  The last statement...."when we help ourselves AND EACHOTHER....."  Huge.  Life is about giving and being self-less.  If we can help others... in giving to others.. we give to ourselves :).  Which is another reason accountability partners are amazing!

****"With Love as our only reality, health and wholeness can be viewed as inner peace, and healing can be seen as letting go of fear."  (This one is a HUGE one for me!)

****"We often believe that fears of the past can successfully predict the fears of the future.  The results of this type of thinking are that we spend most of our time worrying about both the past and the future, creating a vicious cycle of fear, which leaves little room for Love and joy in the present."  (This is our cycle with dieting... always afraid that we will do what we did in the past.. worrying about the future and never appreciating the present and spending time with the LOVE we should be feeling for our lives NOW.  What would life be like if we just LOVED ourselves right NOW the way we are and let go of fear of what others think.. fear of gaining weight back.. fear of going back to old habits?

In the book, there is this great picture drawn of this person trying to balance all of these goals he has for his life... money, job, family, health, relationships..that kind of thing.  He was having a heck of a time balancing it all on his head.  He was teetering and tottering and things were falling of.  He just couldn't manage it all.  That is the way I feel sometimes. How the hell do I manage my dancing goals with my running goals with my weight loss goals with my family with my friends.....its all so much!  Something gets dropped.  It just does.  Then the book continues to talk about "Singleness of Goal".....

"Peace of mind as our single goal is the most potent motivating force we can have.  To have inner peace we need to be consistent in having peace of mind as our single goal.  Instead of having a single goal, we are all tempted to try to juggle multiple goals.  Juggling can only serve to deflect our focus and increase our conflict.  We can achieve consistency in keeping this single goal in mind by reminding ourselves of the singleness of purpose we would have if we suddenly found ourselves drowning in the ocean.  We would, in that situation, put all of our attention into the single goal of staying afloat and breathing for survival."

After I read that, I wrote below it.. "Be happy, Martha!"  (Which is what my friend Brandon told me as we talked about our goals... just be happy..that is what is important.)  Single goal.. Be happy...the rest will all into place.

The books goes on with some more amazing insights into how our minds and the choices we make create our lives.   It also talked about how we let our Ego make our goals instead of acting from a place of peace.  (Which is huge for endurance athletes or any active person who suffers from physical injury).  It also gives a list of words and phrases to avoid while bringing inner peace into your life..the one I found most profound... "any words that place you or anyone else in a category".   I won't keep quoting the book.  But it is very insightful and comes with daily practices to help with these things.  Its a great book and easy to read.  And it fits with the weight loss issue, and it fits with the feelings of unworthiness that so many of my friends seem to battle on a daily basis.

I know this blog is already way too long.....But I want to follow up with one more short thing.

Last Sunday, I returned to church for the first time since I was arrested back in February.  Rev. Jackie was finishing up her talk on The Four Agreements.  Last Sunday she talked about the last agreement.. "Do your best."  This was perfect timing for me as I am really working towards changing my eating habits again.  She quoted scripture from the Bible as well as thing from Ruiz's book The Four Agreements...  Here are a few of my notes that really struck me as she spoke..

Be Ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.  (A scripture from the Bible)

Let the same mind that is Christ that knew he and god were one be yours.

Use your mind to create your life..to realize you are one with Perfection.

Believe this and act on this and let your soul do its best.  Step out of fear and let Love guide your life.

3 Steps in Doing your Best...

1)  Set an Intention to do your best.   Decide upon a thing and it will be established for you.

2) Awareness.  Pay attention to your thoughts feelings and actions. Be aware in every single moment.  Be present.  Feel!  Get honest about what you think.

3) Practice.  It's a process.  Gotta keep moving forward.  It takes work, patience, understanding and perseverance.  Keep learning.  Keep expanding.

Perfection is not always what's right.  It's the depth of knowing that in every mistake there is the opportunity to make another choice and learn.

Do your best means to go about life with an open heart!

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I will leave you with one last thought from Sunday's teaching... and it my prayer and focus for this week.....

May the words from my mouth and the intention of my heart reveal only truth, peace and love.