As I sit at my lap top with my fingers on the keyboard, I stare at a blank "page" on my blog and wonder how I am going to type this. How do I start? I'm not really certain. But it needs to be said. I don't know if it needs to be said publicly or not, but it is my reality, so I am going to say it.
Mental Illnesses should never be covered up or hidden. People suffer from mental illnesses every day. Some suffer so badly it is debilitating and they can't even leave their bed let alone their homes. I am lucky in that, at least what I deal with allows me (or at least a version of me) to get out of my house. But in a way, it is also "unlucky" because I don't know which version has been let out of the house. And you probably don't either. As a matter of fact, some of you may have never even met the REAL me. I don't even know when the REAL me is out.
For the last 4 years, at minimum, my Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) has pretty much been running my life. I did not realize this until Christmas Eve. Tracy and I got into yet another fight. I don't even remember what it was about. He and I have been disagreeing and arguing and trying to save our marriage for a while now. We don't talk about it publicly; at least not out right because its really no ones business. The kids know. They know we have plans and are working on things. They know we have been in and out of marriage therapy. They know that me getting a job is part of this.
Oh I remember what Tracy and I argued about. Our friend (and chosen family member, Michael) was here in town. On the 23rd, I was rushing around to get things done so I could get home and go to the movies with he and Michael (and possibly Nate). But when I got home, Michael left with a mumble under his breath, "See you later." Or something like that. I had no idea what was going on. Then Tracy told me he had dinner plans. Which meant he was seeing Suzy, Nick's widow. And I can only assume he didn't tell me he had plans (even when I asked the night before what the plans were for the next day) because he figured it would upset me. He figured right. I literally lost it. I was so angry. Tracy and I got into another huge fight about our very different feelings about Suzy and her role in our lives.. or lack of a role.. or whatever. To be fair, she has not done anything. This is *my* fight within myself, but I didn't realize that. That night while I was losing it, I found myself smashing cups in the kitchen. I (once again) damaged my counter tops, only this time it wasn't just a couple of scratches). But the reality is, it was either the cups or me. I figured the cups were a safer bet.
I was pretty certain that my marriage was over with. How can Tracy and I continue to stay married when our feelings about Suzy are so very different and cause this much of an issue? (I realize this is MY issue.) Well I didn't then.
By Christmas Eve night, I was still really upset. I was struggling. I had been looking forward to having Naomi's boyfriend and Nate's girlfriend staying the night. I was looking forward to the whole family being here. But now I was terrified that I was going to be "the crazy" house for Christmas. The place no one wanted to be at because "she is crazy". I was in the kitchen, trying to work, when all of a sudden, I ran back to my bedroom. I was a crying mess (and that is an understatement). While I was in the kitchen, I was thinking about why I was so angry about the Suzy stuff. And it dawned on me. It wasn't *me* that was so angry. Well it was. But it was "the others". DID had been running my life for the better part of 4 years...maybe even longer.
I realized that, even though I had told Suzy that she will love again and I want her to love again and start a family and be happy, seeing her actually do that while living in my home had triggered my DID. I do not know when DID kicked in. It might have kicked in the moment I found out Nick was dead. But I don't think it did. But it might have. I do know that by the time she had moved her boyfriend into our house without talking to us, that the DID had kicked in full-force. And here is why. Seeing her dating and moving on, meant that my son was definitely dead and gone. I had no hope of this being some horrible joke or mistake. And every time I saw her happy with a new man, I was reminded that my son was never coming home and he was dead. And I got angry beyond measure. I got sad. But mostly I hated her for reminding me. I hated the girl I loved so very much..for reminding me that I lost my son (even when I knew she lost her husband). And every time that Tracy and Michael continued to have a relationship with her, I started to hate them. Every time they made plans to see her, I hated them even more because THEY were reminding me that my son was dead and never coming back, and I felt betrayed because they seemed to be okay with this. Hating them and fighting was so much easier than facing the truth.. Nick is dead, and I need to grieve.
So there I was in the kitchen, surrounded by sharp things. And all of a sudden, it was ME..not my DID others that realized this. And I felt like I had just found out that Nick had been killed. I felt like I had JUST gotten that phone call. I ran to my bedroom, and grabbed Tracy by the shoulder on my way through the living room. This was NOT good. I flew myself onto the bed and wailed. I made ugly crying look beautiful. As I cried and snot flowed freely out of my nose onto the bed and mixed with tears, I mourned the loss of my boy. But then instantly, my personality would switch. I would wipe my tears and my eyes and talk in a calm cold voice. This "protector" would tell Tracy that I was too weak and could not be allowed to be out. This protector said that all I ever did was cry and could not handle life and no one needed her like that. The protector made me feel crazy. The protector said that she was there to make sure life went on. But then Tracy would beg her to let me come back. And I fought my way back, but I was a crying mess. I felt like my heart was exploding into a million pieces. It was agonizing. I felt like I was having a heart attack. It was so painful. All I could do was wail and cry. I told Tracy I was terrified of ruining Christmas. He would beg and plead with me and this protector to let me stay so I could heal. He begged and pleaded to let me stay so I could enjoy a happy family Christmas for the first time since Nick died.
I was able to come back out and stay out through Christmas. I was able to play with my kids. We enjoyed the most beautiful Christmas with all 4 of the kiddos on the floor opening their stockings and their presents. We all got to laugh. We visited with my mom and took her off-roading in her wheel chair so we could take her to the Greenbelt on a sunny cold Christmas/Birthday. We got to enjoy dinner together and laugh. All 4 of the kids loving on each other and enjoying each other's company. This is my family now. This is what it looks like. They are all happy and get along and planning double dates with their presents. This is what happiness looks like, while I also feel grief.
I managed to stay out all the way through Christmas. As a matter of fact, on the 23rd, while I was shopping for Christmas presents, I came across a book on Grief written by a local author. It spoke to me. I have 2 others written by a friend, but I have yet to read them. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Probably because I wasn't in charge. It was "the others", and they were keeping me from dealing with my grief. I picked up this book, and I have started to read it. I am struggling with parts of it. It is definitely written from a Christian perspective. And I realized that part of the reason I had stopped going to Church and started identifying (sort of) as atheist was because I felt the need to keep Nick's legacy alive... and he was a staunch atheist. Even though my spiritual beliefs are what drive me and feed me, I had turned away when Nick died. I realized that this is NOT serving me. And this book, well, the others are trying to keep me from reading it. I am fighting through it. I am reading. It is also talking about looking for the light in the darkness... and using some very vivid imagery and metaphors that speak to me in a very profound way.
Last night Tracy said something pretty innocent, and I felt the shake and rattle of the unsteady self. I told him what I felt. By the time we arrived home, I was in full on DID episode. I had tried to shut my door using the back of my left arm and it hurt like none other and I didn't know why. (It was because of my stitches, but I didn't remember because it wasn't me...I was someone else). Tracy got me to our room, and I was a mess. The protector came out and talked some. I found out that she has been around since I was a young child. She is the one that hates all of the extra women in my life. She is the one that holds jealousy and hatred and bitterness. She is the one who causes havoc.... in the name of "protecting me". I went back and forth between her and myself last night. I was finally able to come out and stay out.. but I can tell you the grief is real right now. My heart ache is real. And my emotional stability is tenuous at best.
With all of that said, I can tell you times when I know for absolute certain that *I* have been out and present. I found out last night that if "the others" try to keep me locked up in the cell they have kept me in, all I have to do is remember those times that I knew I was absolutely me and happy and present. Those times were the times I was on stage doing burlesque. Maybe not every time, but certainly, my "This is Me", "We are the others" and my "Teddy Bear Picnic" act. Those 3 I know for certain are me..and me alone. If I can remember those acts, and the joy and the feelings that come with them, I can unlock the cell "the others" keep me in. I can remember the "light" this book keeps talking about.
Anyway, now that I know all of this, I can start to heal. And some of you who have met me in the last 4 years may not have met the real me.....you may have seen me...its hard to tell. But it answers alot of my questions...... I have been trying to tell Tracy for months that I h ave been stuck....I have been asking for help. Well now he knows...and now YOU know... please be gentle with me.
*****EDIT****
So I hit "save" because I thought I was done, but I didn't have time to look it over before I left for lunch with Omi. And after lunch we had plans to see Mary Poppins Returns. In case you didn't know I am a HUGE Mary Poppins fan; I have read all of the books and seen the original movie so many times and the musical a couple of times in theaters. It is my FAVORITE! When we were in England, I was stoked to see some of the places the new movie had been filmed.
Now that I have seen the new film, all I can say is, "It's practically perfect in every way!" I so don't want to ruin it for anyone. But I will say this, Mary Poppins Returns hit on every single nerve and every single thing that this blog post and my life has been...complete with a rubber ducky in it..complete with the same message in this book that I have been reading about "looking for the light". I will not say anything more. But I will say there are sooooo many parallels.. so many characters in that movie that were me and my "others". And the ending.. the ENDING...has "me"..the "real me" working in a bank (and I start my job with Wells Fargo in the Loan Originator position on January 7th). OMG. I see a new Mary Poppins burlesque number coming to the stage in 2019.... get ready, Boise, Creepy Mary Poppins, is moving over, and the new act..the new act will have your spirits lifting to new heights and or popping your bubbles! I'm not sure which yet!
(Naomi and I just after seeing Mary Poppins Returns)
