First let's have a very quick discussion on what success means. Most people (in the United States) determine success to be based on the income you make, the position you hold in your career, the house/zip code you live in, the car you drive... all of these things are "status symbols". We use "status symbols" as way to determine success. But for a stay at home mom, our successes are often measured by what our children are accomplishing. We might measure our success by how we look. We might measure it by how well our house is kept. We might measure it by how well we cook or our healthy our family is. But rarely do stay-at-home-moms measure success by what we achieve for ourselves or by ourselves; it's usually about our families. Several months ago, while considering what success meant to me, I realized that even though I do not work outside of the home and I have not earned enough credit points on my own to receive my own Social Security when I am old, I do have things that I can consider a success, and they are not based on my children's accomplishments. So here is how I identified my successes back in September.................
My dreams as a little girl:
1) Be a stay at home mom (CHECK)
2) Get married to the man of my dreams and stay married through thick and thin. We have been through just about everything a married couple can go through, and we are about to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. (CHECK)
3) If I HAD to work, become a secretary (CHECK)
4) I wanted to go to college to be a puppeteer. My parents would not support that. Instead, after having children, I went to college for Storytelling. And later, I got to do a couple of seasons being a puppeteer at the Idaho Historical Museum! (CHECK)
5) I wanted to belly dance when I was little, but my mom thought it was too risque. (CHECK)
6) When I was a little girl in the 70's I used to watch roller derby on TV. I told my parents, "I want to do that!" Again...not something they really supported, though they did support my roller skating. So in my early 40's I did Fresh Meat for Treasure Valley Roller Girls. (CHECK)
7) In elementary school, I wanted so desperately to run track and be part of the track team. I was on the team, but because I was fat and slow, they never let me participate. I was a true bench warmer. But in my 40's I picked up running. I have completed something like 8 marathons, 8 half marathons and 1 ultra marathon. (CHECK)
So yes... I do consider myself successful. It's not the way MOST people would deem successful, but it's not their life, it's mine!
Even though I have had all of these successes (and more, which I did not list) I have still been battling my sense of worth and success. I am pretty good at setting goals and following through with them. I am pretty good and following my passion and bliss where ever it takes me. But sometimes, I get caught up in what success looks like to other people who follow along some of the same lines I do. For instance, I am a burlesque performer. I am almost 49 years old. I weigh 225#. I am NOT your average burlesque performer, and I am certainly NOT the average performer here in Boise, Idaho. I am the oldest performing burlesque performer, and maybe the biggest. That alone starts to weigh me down. Sometimes I see these things and feel like they are a hindrance to my success as a burlesque performer. But then I have to remember WHY I do burlesque. Last November, I went to my first BurlyCon, and ever since then I have had an equal amount of Imposter Syndrome and Inspiration. It's been a crazy emotional burlesque roller coaster for the last 6 months. I am not sure whether I am getting better or if it's just my imagination. Maybe I am getting better and people are just not seeing it. I have been applying to festivals for a few years, and I get rejection after rejection. Which is okay, but sometimes it hurts. Again, how do we measure success? Does getting into a festival make me a success? It would be a success, but is that the measurement of success as a performer? Is it for me? How do I want to measure my success as a burlesque performer? WHY am I performing? That is the only way to know if I am being successful.
For the last 6 months, I have been upping my game in the costume department. I have been taking risks. I have cried. I have messed up so many times. I have put together at least 4 new numbers that all needed 4 brand new costumes! One of those numbers was "This Is Me" and required me to be the most vulnerable I have ever been on stage. The first time it was performed it was received with tears and smiles and cheers and some people giving me a standing ovation. Was this a success? Yes, it was in my book. Back stage for the last couple of shows, I have heard from showgirls that I seriously look up to, "You have grown so much! Your stage presence is awesome! Your costuming has really been great!" Are those words considered successes? Yes. But then why am I not being cast for shows by the same people who are saying these things? What is wrong with me? Am I still not good enough?
The week before every performance, I get a serious case of Imposter Syndrome. "I don't belong on the stage. What am I doing? " Come to find out, most of the same people who are award winning and internationally travelled performers feel the same way! Who knew?! Okay, so how do I define success? More importantly, when will I FEEL successful in my own book? Yes, I would love to have other people validate my burlesque worth by accepting me into festivals or booking me for their shows. But I need to feel successful for myself, not for them. So how do I do that? What is it that feeds my soul? Why do I perform?
I'm sure you have heard, "In order to be loved, you must first love yourself." Guess what? That doesn't just pertain to your romantic life. It pertains to showgirl life too! What about this one.... "Before helping your child with its oxygen mask, put yours on first." The same applies to a burlesque performer or anyone who performs and gives of their energy first. You must first have your cup filled before you can give some to others, and as a burlesque performer, I can guarantee you that I am giving the audience 100% of myself, my energy, my love, my ambition, my creativity, my bliss, my enthusiasm, my emotions. So I guess success should start there first! And that is what I have been working on this season. I have been working on making myself better..whatever that means. I have embraced the hash tags "#plussizeburlesque and #plussizeburlesqueperformer". I look at my naked body in the mirror and I LOVE what I see. I create costumes based on this love of my body. I create acts like "This Is Me" as a way to show the audience that no matter how many stretch marks, scars, fat, cellulite and dimples a person has, they are beautiful, strong and worthy! My fat may be there, but it gives me more to wiggle and jiggle and the audience loves it...because I LOVE ME!
So how do I know this is working? How do I know that I am successful? Well this weekend, I realized, "I am 'That Girl'".
Way back in like 2008/9ish I was doing roller derby. I went on a road trip with the men's roller derby team to a bout in Salt Lake City, Utah. We found out that after the bout, there was going to be a Burlesque show in a bar across from the Temple Square. I was so excited! I had not seen live burlesque. When we arrived, we found out that it was a competition of some sort. The audience voted for best burlesque performer based on applause. I remember watching and thinking, "I really want to do this." My friend was with me, and she was telling me how she used to be a burlesque performer before she got into derby. She sat there and told me what made a good performer. She pointed things out while the various performers did their thing. I was hypnotized. I wanted to do that! But how? Later, back in Boise, I started seeing casting calls for burlesque troops, but I was too scared. I wasn't even belly dancing yet. I wasn't sure I could do that. I was too fat. Yadda yadda yadda. But that dream never squelched....
Finally, I took a burlesque workshop and I've been playing on the stage since 2014. I will celebrate my burlyversary in May..... But like I said, I have been struggling with Imposter Syndrome so bad lately. When I first performed my "This Is Me" act a month ago, I had so many people tell me how it touched their lives. I had people in the audience crying. I had people tell me how inspired they were. This wasn't the first time I have heard those words from audience members. That should be enough, right? For whatever reason, I was struggling. But that particular act heals me every time I perform it. For that matter, every time I sing the song in my car it heals a part of me. But this past weekend, I watched as my world came full circle and I realized that I AM THAT GIRL!
Friday night, I attended a Neo Bellydance workshop lead by Karolina Lux. It was a workshop that used ballet, bellydance, jazz and wakking (a form of dance that was created back in the 70's in the gay dance clubs of Los Angeles). This dance was right up my alley. I love the sexy vibe it had, and it was the best warm up for the rest of my weekend which consisted of 2 burlesque shows.
Saturday night, I officially became a "traveling showgirl" with my first out of town gig in Twin Falls, Idaho. I know, its only 2 hours away, but it is still out of town. More importantly, it was performed in the historic Orpheum Theater that was built in 1921, exactly for this kind of event. It was originally built for live theater. And burlesque (in the United States) was just starting around that time. The event was called "Night at the Moulin Rouge". I was asked to provide 2 classic burlesque pieces. "Classic" is not exactly my strong suit; I am just now starting to explore that side of burlesque. But I was asked to perform "This Is Me" and another number. I was thrilled to perform "This Is Me" again. And the other act, required brand new costuming and a brand new choreography to the song I made my burlesque debut to. My first act in the first half of the show was going to be "This Is Me". As I waited and watched the performance ahead of mine, I took a moment to close my eyes and center myself. A bucket list item was about to be checked off. I get to perform in this historic theater. A theater I had first stepped foot in back in October of last year and said, "I need to do burlesque here." And now here I was about to take the stage. I closed my eyes and silently said this....."Let me be an instrument of peace, grace, strength, inspiration, beauty, elegance, courage and joy. Let me shine love on those who need it. Let me receive love when I need it. Let this be a moment of giving and receiving on both ends." (This has now become my WHY for burlesque.. and my prayer before every performance)
When Ursula gave my introduction, I stood up straight and walked from the back of the dark stage out into the spot lights, lipsyncing the most powerful song I have ever heard and had the pleasure to perform to. I could hear an audible gasp from the audience when they realized what song it was. Even with the spotlights, I could see the faces of the first 2 rows of this theater that was packed with 350 people. I could see the emotion on their faces. I could see the tears. I could see the smiles. I could see them dancing in their chairs with me. They clapped along with the song. They sang in their chairs. They FELT what I was feeling. They were as inspired as I was. It was powerful. There I was on a stage, that just last October I said, I wanted to dance on, in front of a packed house being as vulnerable as I have ever been wearing as little as I ever have on stage. And they loved me!
After the show, at the after party, women of all shapes and sizes came up to me and told me how I have inspired them and have given them courage. Two women said they want to come to Boise just to see me perform. ME! They want to drive 4 hours round trip to watch me strip my clothes on stage! This is so humbling. It is such a powerful gift. Whether they actually make it or not, the thought that they wanted to was HUGE. But even though these words were kind, humbling, powerful, encouraging and very sweet. It was the way in which they were delivered. I could see it in their faces. They were scared to interrupt me (as I was sitting with friends and family), but they really wanted to tell me how much my performance meant to them. These are not my regulars from my home town bar, this was Twin Falls where only a handful of people knew me. These were total strangers being a bit timid and coming up to me and looking at me like I was some kind of "starlet". I was so very humbled by this experience, while at the same time feeling very uplifted. Why? Because in 2008 sitting at a table in Salt Lake City, I felt that very same way. I was enamored and in awe of the women on the stage giving us their all. I was inspired. And I, in no way, had the courage to walk up to them and talk to them. I felt like they were way out of my league. They weren't of course, but I felt like they were. And now, here I am.......I am THAT GIRL.. the one the other women shyly approach and say all the things I wanted to say to the performers in Salt Lake City.
After performing Saturday night, I thought for certain, I would never fall asleep. My heart was overflowing with so much love for what burlesque has given me. My heart was over flowing for the love of the women that came up to me. My heart was over flowing for the love I felt from that entire audience. My heart was over flowing because I KNEW I was living MY dream and THAT alone makes me successful!
Then last night happened.
Sunday night at Make Em Blush Burlesque was Kamakaze Burlesque. It was an improv competition. We were going to do 2 acts. The first act would be to a song that one of the other contestants had done an act to. The 2nd act would be to a song that the producers had provided, and we would be using a prop that the producers provided for that song. Even though we were given the entire list of possible songs to dance to, we did not know which songs we would dance to until we took the stage for that particular act. We would not know what prop we would use until we drew the piece of paper with the prop listed on it. It was scary (in a good way). And I had actually forgotten that it was a competition. I packed my tubs with one classic costume and one "trashy" costume. The first song I chose was Juicy Wiggle. I had already told everyone that if I chose that song, I knew exactly how I would dance to it. When Mimi pulled that song for me, she laughed cause she knew what was coming. There I was in a classic panel skirt and a boa, and I had Juicy Wiggle and I was going to be very silly on stage! The audience ate it up! They were cheering and clapping and laughing. It was entirely too much fun on stage! Once the music stopped, I did my usual curtsy and blowing of kisses and walked off stage. I later found out that I received a standing ovation. Sweet! The 2nd half, I stood on stage and pulled 3 pieces of paper out of the "hats". My song was "Diamonds are a girls best friend" by Marilyn Monroe. My prop was a stick horse. And the third piece of paper gave me the option to choose a different song. I really thought I wanted the "Thong Song", but I decided to stick with what I originally pulled from "the hat". My leopard print costume would work great with the stick horse and the juxtaposition of trashy and classic song was too much to pass up! I gave it my all! The audience cheered and clapped and laughed and had a great time. I found myself up there pulling off silly AND classic all at the same time. I found myself "eye fucking" the audience in a really good way. I felt amazing up there on stage! THIS IS SUCCESS! This is what it feels like. Little did I know.....
I had forgotten this was a competition. To me it was just time to play on a stage and have fun. But when I finished my second song, Stella Sin, met me at the stairs and said that she and Juicy had decided that I was the one who was going to win. The audience was losing their minds over me. When she said this, I could hardly believe that it could be true. But there was a part of me that said, "Yes, Martha, it is true. It's okay to know it and embody it. You don't need to play small for anyone." Wow. I had been playing small my entire life. Why? Because I didnt' want to be seen. I didn't want to over shadow anyone. I was always the chubby side kick; I was never the popular star. So why should this be any different? I'll tell you why. Because I am different! I am no longer that chubby side kick. I am my own powerful person who loves her body in all its various shapes over the years. I am sexy. I am fierce. I am powerful. I am courageous. I am creative. I am funny. I am glamorous. I am elegant. I am the clown. I evoke emotion. I am emotion.
Finally the show was over with and we were all called up on the stage. Fancy Fanny, Juicy Vendetta, Stella Sin and myself. We stood on the stage holding each other's hands in anticipation. We were silly and chanted.. "World peace, world peace." We were doing our best pageant girl anticipation imitations. Finally, MuffJones said, "And the winner is.... Leazetta Rose!" At first I was faking my surprise and playing the ham because I was on stage, after all. But, a second later, I felt it in my soul. I AM THAT GIRL! And I had to hold back tears. I realize this was a "silly improve game". But it was serious to me. It may not be some huge accolade from a big burlesque festival. I may only be a little tiny local friendly competition all for the fans. But it was the audience who voted. And for once, I didn't have the audience stacked with my friends and family. I had my husband (who didn't even get to vote) and then friends I know, but am not close to and all of the regulars (which is how most of them became my friends to begin with). But those same people are friends with the other amazingly talented women I shared that stage with. So it wasn't like I had the audience stacked in my favor. "They love me. They really love me!" LOL
I stepped forward and received my little plastic trophy. It might as well have been made of pure gold! I love what it stand for so much! I held this trophy in my hand, and curtsied and blew kisses and felt the love from the audience. I saw their smiles. I felt their love and I gave it right back to them. They are the reason I am on that stage. If they weren't there, there would be no one to strip for!
When I got home, I was on cloud 9. But just as I was hitting the bed, it really hit me. "Oh my god!" I said. "Tracy, I really AM 'that girl'! I just realized and remembered that the first burlesque show I went to was a competition with the audience voting just like tonight and I so wanted to be the women on that stage, and tonight I was! And I won!!!!! I AM THAT GIRL!!!"
I don't know if I will ever get accepted into a festival. I don't know if I will ever perform out of the state. But what I do know is that I dance for myself. I perform because I have to. I perform because I love myself. I perform because it is my way of giving back to a wider audience. By loving myself and showing that love on stage, I give the audience permission to love themselves in the same manner.. no matter what their bodies look like. When women come up to me and say, "I wish I could do what you do." I hug them and tell them, "You absolutely can, and I will be there to cheer you on! You are beautiful! Come play with me!" Some may. Some may not. But I dance to give back to them. I dance to give them courage. I dance to receive their love. I dance to show myself love. I dance to be an instrument of peace, grace, strength, inspiration, beauty, elegance, courage and joy. And this is what success looks and feels like.....being THAT GIRL!
