In the last month or so I have had the occasion to really take a deep look in the mirror. Sometimes you don't ever get the opportunity to do this, so when you do, you really should take it and be open to the lessons, no matter how painful. And when I say painful, I mean "want to go to sleep and never wake up" kind of painful. Seriously not fun, but the lessons gleaned are powerful. And hopefully, I can use this knowledge to grow and overcome some stuff.
It's no secret that Tracy and I have been together for FOREVER. We have been together since we were 14 years old. If you are close enough to know our story, you know that there have been lots of ups and downs in 34 years. But I have realized in the last month, that this started way before Tracy and I started dating.
When I was a young girl, I experienced a great deal of jealousy. I'm not talking jealousy over a romantic relationship (remember I said I was young). Even as I typed that, yes, I suppose you might consider it about a romantic relationship, as sick as that sounds. What I have learned in the last several months is that jealousy is a secondary emotion that is kicked off by some other fear. The fear that triggers my jealousy is a fear of abandonment. You might wonder, "Martha, your parents were married till your dad died in 2007, and you have been with the same man since you were 14 years old, what in the hell gives you a fear of abandonment?" Well here is the answer....
I was raped and molested by my dad from the age of 4/5 until my first menses. Soon after that, my dad took jobs out of town for the remainder of my growing up years. Not only did that happen, but I also saw him rape my mom on several occasions. And on several more occasions, my dad would look at hard core porn magazines while I was in the car with him. When my mom started returning, he would hide it under the seat and tell me, "Don't you dare tell your mom what I was looking at." I also used to go with him to the university library and watched him as he "ogled" after the pretty women that walked by. I remember have a very distinct sense of anger and jealousy. "How dare he look at other women that way! Was he planning on leaving my mom? Was he planning on leaving me? And what about my relationship with him?" Yes, that is the sick part. What was I doing wrong? Why did he need those things? (Honestly, this is the FIRST time I have ever put these two together.. just as I typed this. This is as raw as it gets folks.) So there is where it started..... and it continued.
My dad was obviously not the poster boy for father of the year. So, I had my big brother Mark. I had 2 older brothers; Matt was 10 years older than me and Mark was 6 years older than me. Mark used to walk me to school when I was in kindergarten and he was in 6th grade. He watched out for me. Matt was 10 years older than me and didn't have much to do with me when I was little. But Mark was right there taking care of me. Then he was in charge of driving me to guitar lessons and stuff. Mark became my dad figure. I loved him like a dad figure. And the day he went off to the Navy I about lost it. I was so happy when he came home to visit. I was ecstatic when he sent me little gifts from his ports of call. My world revolved around him. Everything he was, I wanted in a father. When he started smoking, I cried. I thought he was killing himself and I wanted him to stop cause I needed him around. Then, when he decided to marry his wife, I was PISSED. I hated her. He no longer came home to visit me; he came home to visit her. He no longer sent me gifts from his ports of call; the gifts and thoughts were to her (as they rightly should have been). But I was PISSED. I felt like I was losing my brother. I felt like he was abandoning me again. Not only that, but my mom, whom I had spent my entire life "protecting as best I could from my father" was now doting all over my brother's soon to be wife. I felt like I was getting shoved aside. I was being abandoned by my own mom for someone else. I was 14 or 15 by the time this wedding was happening. Tracy was already in my life. And by that time, even though we were seriously dating and saying, "I love you", his mom was still encouraging him to date girls from his church. So yes, he cheated on me while we were in high school. What else is a boy supposed to do when his mom doesn't like the girl he has chosen and she keeps throwing girls she approves of at him? When your mom says its okay to cheat on your girlfriend, it must be, right, right?
This jealousy and fear of abandonment was not reserved to romantic or familial relationships. It spread to my best friends. I was insanely jealous when they found a new friend to hang out with and I was being left behind. It seriously felt like everyone I ever loved was leaving me or finding someone newer and shinier to play with. So yes.. this is where my jealousy and fear of abandonment came from. I needed people in my life. I needed good people in my life. I needed to feel like I belonged to someone and they would not leave me. Even my roller skating instructor that I had a huge crush on stopped being an instructor for his girlfriend. Everyone was leaving me, and no one was protecting me. (Which is my other huge issue that is coming up recently.)
I realized last week that one of the reasons I got mad at Tracy is because I felt like he is not protecting me. I had this realization a few months back, but it hit home again in the last couple of weeks. Maybe it is not his job to protect me, but ever since he came into my life, he has been my protector. He is the one who has protected me from very physical fights with my little brother. He is the one who protected me from his own mom's rage. He is the one who has protected me from my own fits of anger where I hit walls as I tried to deal with memories of abuse. He is the one who kept me safe when my dissociative identity disorder kicked in and I was physically unable to protect myself when my 5 year old identity took over. He is the one who saved me during multiple suicide attempts as a teenager. He has been my protector since I was 14 years old. Maybe that is co-dependency. I don't know. But realizing this is huge for me. How do I change it? Well I guess that is for me and my therapist to figure out. Thankfully I am back in therapy.
But how does that affect my life and my relationship with Tracy now? Jealousy comes from my fear of abandonment. Needing to feel protected comes from my fear of insecurity and being helpless. When things go wrong with women in our lives (regardless of the relationship) and Tracy is involved, the fear of abandonment kicks in big time. It may not happen right away. It may never happen at all. But usually, it only happens, when I feel as though my security is being threatened in some way. When I feel I am no longer being protected. When I feel like Tracy is trying to play mediator instead of firmly standing on my side. Then I feel as though I am not being protected. Then I start feeling a sense of abandonment. Then lack of trust kicks in. Then jealousy kicks in. Usually, if this happens with another female (no matter what the relationship is), I turn on the other woman. Tracy gets "a pass". I may be angry with him for a day or so, but I will completely turn on the other woman. I will completely go from loving her to hating her and not wanting her anywhere in my life. Why? Because it is easier to hate her and push her out of my life, than it is to hold my husband accountable for things that might have hurt me. Why? Because I live with him. I share a life with him. Because when it comes down to it, disagreeing with him and fighting with him kicks in that sense of fear from insecurity, from feeling unprotected, from feeling like he will abandon me. All of those things kick in and makes me feel crazy. I feel even less protected. So it is easier for me to put ALL of the blame on the other woman (whatever the relationship) than it is for me to hold Tracy accountable for his part in the situation. Holding him accountable for his part scares me. I am afraid he would leave me.. or hurt me (even though there is not a violent bone in his body and he is not abusive in any way shape or form). These are strictly fears drilled into me by my father.
These are HUGE a-ha moments. These are very vulnerable truths. These are very raw. Even Tracy hasn't heard these things yet. But I needed to blog about them now. It's a good thing I'm in therapy.
I share this for those of you who have been at the other end of my rage. I share this for those of you who have your own insecurities..maybe this will ring a bell for you in some way. Maybe it will inspire others to take a look at their fears and reach out for help. Maybe it help help someone with anxiety. Maybe it will help those of you who are just getting to know me and see a darker side of me that you are uncertain of. Maybe it will help those of you who know the happier side of me and have seen the darker side come out and not understand where its coming from. Well now you have it. And maybe with this realization, I can really start to work on some more healing. Thanks for your patience and for holding space for me :).
