Yet, I am certain I am going to type alot of them in this blog. Better make yourself comfortable.
I have been struggling for a weeks now on trying to write a blog. My emotions have kind of been all over the place in the last couple of weeks. And if you look back at my last posted blog it was May 29th right after going out Latin Dancing and I talked about how much dancing means to me. I was so extremely happy that day. I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted. I knew that dancing meant everything to me. It made me happy. With that said.. there has been an underlying current of self-esteem issues just boiling to the surface. Dancing just kept them at bay; dancing kept these issues from taking control. Then it all came crashing down in a weekend.. or well.. maybe they started to crash down after my last burlesque performance. I am not really sure.
So here is the deal. To admit to having some serious self-esteem/self-confidence issues is a HUGE thing for me. Why? Because I always believed that no matter how heavy I was or what I looked like, if I loved who I was.. if I had self-confidence and self-esteem, I was still sexy and fabulous and gorgeous. Because to me...it's not about the looks, it's about the way someone feels about themselves. It's about the smile that radiates from happiness. It's the "swagger" that comes from within. And boy have I lost mine. And feeling like that is worse than gaining all the weight I have gained back. So that is my biggest scariest confession. I would rather tell you how much I weigh than admit to what I just admitted.
So what happened? What killed my mojo? Maybe it started with Nick's death. Maybe it has nothing to do with his death. I really don't know. I know that when I had my wardrobe malfunction during my last burlesque performance, my self-confidence took a HUGE hit. Did I keep going with my dance? Yes. Did I stop on stage and look like a deer in the headlights? No. Did I finish my dance as gracefully as possible? Yes. So why did it hit me so hard? Maybe because that dance was dedicated to Nick. Maybe it was because I was looking for validation from a specific person after my performance and I never got it. (Yes, I need validation after I dance.... ) I don't know. But I kept going. I still make plans for future performances (well I have ideas... have I done anything with them? No. Why? Because I have lost my mojo.)
Then I was working on belly dance choreographies. I had them down. I created a duet with Omi in honor of Nick. We had a huge weekend of dancing at a Renn Faire. And no matter what I practiced at home.. no matter how I had it down pat at home, I managed to royally fuck up (Yes I said the *f* word) my class dance with Omi and Hunter. Not only that, but the duet Omi and I had memorized, I managed to mess that up as well. But the thing is... only me and Omi knew what that dance was supposed to look like. Then there was the solo, that once again, only *I* knew what it was supposed to look like, and I don't think I screwed it up. However, once again, after these dances, the validation I was looking for was not there... on top of knowing that I screwed up the class dances. Did others make mistakes, yes. But me.. I am only responsible for me.. I so fucked them up. No one (except for Omi and maybe Tracy) will ever know just how much this affects me.
So why do I mess up my choreos that I have memorized? I have never had stage fright. I have been on the stage all of my life. I used to NAIL choreos. When everyone else was freaked out cause they didn't know the choreo, I was the rock. What happened? Brain Injury? I don't know. Nick's death? Maybe. A brain does not work the same after such a loss. Grief takes over the brain and slows your memory... it slows lots of things down. What you used to be able to do can become very difficult. So yes, I think that may play a part.
After the wreckage that was that weekend, I told Naomi that I am not certain I want to dance any more. I feel as though I let my studio down. I feel as though I let myself down. I feel as though if I keep dancing and screwing up, I will make the studio look bad, and I don't want/can't have that on my conscious. And what about burlesque? Am I going to put away my sparkles, feathers and tassels? Am I going to stop dancing all together? What was once my safe place to get healthy and strong... what once was a place of safety and sisterhood and empowerment feels as though it has become a place where my self-confidence has fallen into a sink hole to never be returned to me. I feel lost.
Tracy asks me what is wrong. I tell him I have lost all self-confidence and self-esteem. He tries to bolster me. But we all know that this kind of thing can only be fixed from within and on your own. No significant other can fix it for you.
So now what?
I took a 4 day yoga/meditation retreat hoping to find clarity and let go of some of the anger I was feeling. What I found was sleepless nights and even more anger (at something I couldn't put my finger on). For those 4 days, I was so angry. My head was clear, but man was I angry. My body felt great after the stretching... but my heart and mind.. not so much. During that week, I didn't dance.
Today, I danced for the first time in weeks. I have not been to belly dance in 2 weeks due to family emergencies and yoga. Today, Omi and I danced for an hour.. we went over all of our choreos. When I suggested we try our class dance, her reply was, "I thought you weren't going to dance that anymore." We rehearsed it anyway, and again, it was done perfectly..both with her and on my own. *sigh* Our duet is a mess, but it will get back into shape. I still don't know what I am doing when it comes to dance. What I do know is that leaving dance will kill my soul. It is what makes me happy. I am happiest when I am dancing. I am happiest when I am moving my body and expressing myself. Do I need to perform to feel that? I don't know. Can I be part of the classes and not perform? I don't know. I doubt it. What about burlesque? I don't know. What I do know is that without self-confidence, there is no way I can do burlesque on a stage....nope. No way. The audience will see right through me.
I feel like I have lost me somewhere. And yes, I know she got lost the day my son died. I smile. People tell me I look less stressed. People tell me I look lighter. But inside, I am torn to shreds. I miss the person who lit up a room with her smile and bubbly personality when she walked in. I miss the person who everyone on facebook repeatedly told.. "You are such an inspiration!" It's not the pats on the back that I miss...but the person who inspired those pats on the back. That woman was over flowing with self-esteem and self-confidence. There was not a mountain she couldn't climb, a dance she couldn't memorize and perform, a dream she couldn't achieve. People loved being around her. They didn't hide and run the other direction when she came. They didn't wait till her back was turned to whisper behind her back.. what are they whispering? (In my head I hear.. "That poor woman..." "Isn't it time she stop mourning." "That dance was horrible." "She has known that choreo for a long time, there are no excuses." "She's not good enough." The list of amazing inner dialogue goes on and on from there.)
So this is me being real. I joined Weight Watchers to try and regain some control. I didn't need to lose a bunch of weight.. though I do need to lose some, but mostly, I just joined again to stop the uncontrollable weight gain that I was doing after Nick's death. That has helped; but the self-esteem/self-confidence issue is adding onto the stress of weight and body image issues (that I didn't used to have) that are creeping in like gang busters. It's a spiral.......
So there is that... The real true story. And....this week. A year ago today, Nick and Suzy arrived in Boise for their vacation. It was the last first time I would hug my son hello. This week, marks a year of the last week I got to spend with my son before he was killed and taken away from me 7 1/2 months ago.
How do I continue to dance?
