Unless you take those silly online quizzes that you find on facebook. Those answers are usually a bit longer winded and have some deep interpretation of your life based on your answers. Sometimes those answers are actually kind of dead on, and some times you look at them and scream, "Really? That's what you think of me??!!!"
Today, out of mind numbing boredom, I took a quiz. It had me choosing the first parts of photos that I saw and this is what it came up with about me....
"Your positive outlook on life makes you a pleasure to be around. Your smile and your sense of humor are truly infectious. You always see the glass as half-full and, as a result, life is always treat!"
Given this time of year... Halloween... I kind of feel like life is more like a trick rather than a treat, but (in general) I don't think I can really deny what this test said about me. In general, I do have a positive outlook on life and see the glass as half-full. These passed 11 months have certainly put this to the test, but there is one thing I know for certain and that is, shit happens! But just because you step in shit, doesn't mean you are drowning in it or that it can't be washed off. It doesn't even really have to ruin the shoes you were wearing when you stepped in it. LOL. Sorry, I was at the horse ranch today so I have manure on the brain I guess and it kind of has me thinking.... (Boy this blog is taking me in a different route than I thought it would.)
So, shoes that step in shit may not always be ruined (some may, but let's face it, you usually are wearing the proper attire when you go to a ranch or when you take the dog to the park). It truly is a matter of just rinsing things off, and going on you merry way. But just because you cleaned off your shoes, it doesn't mean that very unpleasant memory is going to go away. Stepping in shit might detour your plans for a little bit, but it doesn't mean you life is ruined. You might look back and think, "OMG, what a horrible experience. First it was the shit I stepped in. Then it was the way it derailed my night (which was kind of important). Then there was the cleaning the shit off of my shoes, which was NOT a pleasant experience!" Let's face it, stepping in shit and having to clean it off is NOT pleasant. You gotta scrape it off (which smells to no end) and sometimes you even track it into to the house which requires more cleaning and more stench. Then there is the real cleaning and scrubbing to get it off and make sure everything is clean. This is not a fun process and it's not a clean thing to go through. Its gross. And if it derailed your plans and made you late or had to cancel or whatever, it certainly isn't convenient. BUT....it didn't ruin your life, and it likely didn't ruin your shoes!
Grief is kind of like that. It's the huge pile of shit you didn't see as you were joyfully walking through your life. All of a sudden, there is a gross feeling of "squish", then a smell, then the "oh shit!" realization that you are going to have to go through a process to clean this mess up and get on with life.
Where am I in this "oh shit" process that is grief? To be honest, I am not really certain. Just when I think I have it all cleaned off of my shoes, the stench comes back and I find myself looking for the source of the smell and going through the process again. My shoes may be clean, but I think some of it got dragged into the house and I have to go hunting, but eventually I find it and do some more cleaning. And that is okay.
The thing is... the shit might get cleaned up and it may have derailed alot of what I thought my life would look like. But it has not ruined my shoes, my house, or my life. Even when it is all cleaned up, the memory of all of this is still going to stick around and sometimes I might even think I smell it. But I guarantee you, I won't always find it....it will just be the memory of it.
And for the record, while I was at the ranch today, I was leaning up against the wall under the pigeons and one of them pooped on my shoulder.. on my favorite sweater. LOL. It didn't ruin my sweater, my day, or my life. Just had to clean it off and keep moving. (And I was kind of asking for it, based on where I was standing.) LOL.
I'm not saying that losing my son is an easy thing to get over. You all have read my blogs, you know better than that. I cry. I get angry. I want to rip people's heads off. I know that for the rest of my life, I will have his hole that will never be filled. But it is not going to ruin my life. There is much to much to live for....and much too much life to experience. So ya, I guess I am the "glass is half full" type person. I also believe in gratitude and I'm grateful for my ability to see beyond my grief and experience the good things in life too.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Friday, October 16, 2015
October 16, 2015 "The Great Lord Works In Mysterious Ways"
What a crock of bullshit! No I will no apologize to my Christian friends who thought this was going to be all Christ like or that I found God or whatever........and his is why....
THIS IS THE MOST INSULTING THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GRIEVING HUMAN BEING!!!
I know the people who say these things say them because
1) They have no earthly clue how to respond to death
2) They are trying very hard to rationalize something so horrific and show empathy
3) Thy truly believe that some God up in the sky has a reason for killing off people that we love.
So today, I decided I would take out some grief on my stupid, over grown rats of the shrub world.. my rose bushes. I took out my electric trimmer and set out to work. While I was trimming some horrible vine, I saw sparks ("Oh look.. how pretty.. oh wait! That isn't suppose to happen! Oh Shit, I just trimmed the electrical cord. Guess it's time for a brain break!") I walked back to the garage and saw my next door neighbor, Jed (at least I think that is his name). Jed (we will just call him that) is a truck driver, Harley riding, uncensored, tell it like he thinks it is, unapologetic, authentic human being. My first meeting with him was last Halloween when he joined us at another neighbors house for drinks and handing out candy, and the stories that were coming out of his mouth had *me* blushing (and that is hard to do). Anyway, we greeted each other with the usual niceties. Then he asked in a very sweet way (unusual for such a gruff kind of guy), "How are you doing? I haven't seen you out and about in a while. " Then in an even quieter and gentler voice, "I heard you had a son or daughter pass..." His words got quieter and quieter as he asked this question. I smiled at him and crossed the property line to continue the conversation.
It takes alot of empathy to ask this in the way that he did. I was just thinking the other day that all of our closest (in proximity) neighbors know about Nick's accident or that we lost a child. But NONE of them have come to check on us.... not even the Mormon across the street (You can usually count on the Mormons to check on you.. who knows.. maybe they are the ones who sent the missionaries). Anyway, I thought it was odd. This neighborhood, this cluster of houses, is usually pretty tight and friendly, yet no one has checked on us. I realize death is awkward. I get it. So when Jed checked on me today... this big, burly, rough and tough guy...my heart kind of melted. AND, he is a Harley rider. He will understand more than most what this accident means to us as bike riders.
I continued the conversation. "Yes, it was our son, Nick, who was killed last November in a motorcycle accident." (I should say that my son Nate has gone over to Jed's house a couple of times to play guitar, smoke, drink and share in a few parties over there. So maybe, this conversation came up.. I don't know.) Anyway, Jed continued to ask questions about the accident. His face was filled with gently empathy. Someone who understood... another rider who understood what it means. But then he said.. "The good Lord works in mysterious ways. There is a reason for everything."
I took a deep breath and just replied with, "I guess." He continued with this train of thought. He never struck me as the Bible thumping kind of man. I kept hearing Nick in the back of my head, "WTF is that???!!!! God has NOTHING to do with this!" If Nick was buried, he would be rolling over in his grave. Maybe I should be surprise that Suzy's room is not covered in explosive ashes! Anyway, Jed kept going. I finally replied with, "If you believe in that kind of thing. To me, it's just a senseless accident that took my son from me." He continued. I could see it in his face. He was just another rider trying to make sense of a rider taken down. I understand. But from a grieving mom stand point, God had nothing to do with it.. and if he did, then what the fuck was he thinking? Why would a benevolent, loving God take my son from us? Ya.. not buying it, people.
I really can't find one good reason for Nick's death. I have tried! I have tried to rationalize it. I have tried to make sense of it. But in all honesty, there is nothing. Are there lessons I can learn from the grief I experience? Yes. Would I have learned them without the death of my son, not likely. Could I have gone on with the rest of my life without having ever learned these lessons, YES. They are not vital to my existence. So, ya, do me (and every other grieving human being in his world) a favor, and take this line of thinking out of your "How to console a grieving person tool box". Please, and thanks.
On another and different note on religion.....
Grief has a way of making you think about God, Heaven, Hell, and the afterlife. I have long since given up on the idea of heaven and/or hell. For years I have believed that heaven or hell is what we make of this life that we live.. no where we go after we die. I also believe that after we die, we just return to source. I believe that we are energy in a human form and that when our human form expires our energy returns to the energy source that is all around us. Kind of like an ice cube. It is still water, but in a physical/hard form. But when you put it into a bowl of water, the physical/hard form ceases to exist and the soft/liquid form returns to become one with the rest of the water. So yes, that is what I believe happens when our physical bodies expire.
However, I have been contemplating the idea of a heaven, the kind of heaven that the Mormons believe in. It's no really heaven that I think about, but the idea that "family is forever" and that once we die, we rejoin our family members in heaven. We actually get to be with them again (or so they believe). When I was a Christian, I never believed that. I just believed we went to heaven, but our family members are just more people up in heaven, not people we would recognize as family members. And I never really gave it much thought. Why would I? I was young and never lost anyone that was that close to me to be concerned about it. But here I am, 11 months into the loss of my son. The idea of sealing a family member to another family member and "family is forever" and the idea of being with my son again in a way that is very tangible is kind of tempting. (Not tempting enough to become Mormon or to go against everything Nick believes and force him to be Mormon by doing a proxy baptism in the Temple....Nick would explode in Suzy's room!) But the idea is kind of nice, and I understand why Mormons love that part of what they believe. I get it. I would not make a good Mormon anyway.. too many things to give up. But if I could have multiple husbands (and wives) I might reconsider. *laugh*
Anyway, I don't need the family sealing. When I remind myself what I believe, that Nick's energy has returned to "source".. to the rest of the energy of this world and that we are all part of this energy and that we are all connected, then Nick IS connected to me right NOW and he is HERE right NOW... and that is also why he plays with the lights in the house. *laugh* LOL, maybe that is why I cut the electrical cord while working in the yard....Nick wanted me to see the pretty sparks :). That is something he would have loved to have seen and played with. *laugh*
THIS IS THE MOST INSULTING THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GRIEVING HUMAN BEING!!!
I know the people who say these things say them because
1) They have no earthly clue how to respond to death
2) They are trying very hard to rationalize something so horrific and show empathy
3) Thy truly believe that some God up in the sky has a reason for killing off people that we love.
So today, I decided I would take out some grief on my stupid, over grown rats of the shrub world.. my rose bushes. I took out my electric trimmer and set out to work. While I was trimming some horrible vine, I saw sparks ("Oh look.. how pretty.. oh wait! That isn't suppose to happen! Oh Shit, I just trimmed the electrical cord. Guess it's time for a brain break!") I walked back to the garage and saw my next door neighbor, Jed (at least I think that is his name). Jed (we will just call him that) is a truck driver, Harley riding, uncensored, tell it like he thinks it is, unapologetic, authentic human being. My first meeting with him was last Halloween when he joined us at another neighbors house for drinks and handing out candy, and the stories that were coming out of his mouth had *me* blushing (and that is hard to do). Anyway, we greeted each other with the usual niceties. Then he asked in a very sweet way (unusual for such a gruff kind of guy), "How are you doing? I haven't seen you out and about in a while. " Then in an even quieter and gentler voice, "I heard you had a son or daughter pass..." His words got quieter and quieter as he asked this question. I smiled at him and crossed the property line to continue the conversation.
It takes alot of empathy to ask this in the way that he did. I was just thinking the other day that all of our closest (in proximity) neighbors know about Nick's accident or that we lost a child. But NONE of them have come to check on us.... not even the Mormon across the street (You can usually count on the Mormons to check on you.. who knows.. maybe they are the ones who sent the missionaries). Anyway, I thought it was odd. This neighborhood, this cluster of houses, is usually pretty tight and friendly, yet no one has checked on us. I realize death is awkward. I get it. So when Jed checked on me today... this big, burly, rough and tough guy...my heart kind of melted. AND, he is a Harley rider. He will understand more than most what this accident means to us as bike riders.
I continued the conversation. "Yes, it was our son, Nick, who was killed last November in a motorcycle accident." (I should say that my son Nate has gone over to Jed's house a couple of times to play guitar, smoke, drink and share in a few parties over there. So maybe, this conversation came up.. I don't know.) Anyway, Jed continued to ask questions about the accident. His face was filled with gently empathy. Someone who understood... another rider who understood what it means. But then he said.. "The good Lord works in mysterious ways. There is a reason for everything."
I took a deep breath and just replied with, "I guess." He continued with this train of thought. He never struck me as the Bible thumping kind of man. I kept hearing Nick in the back of my head, "WTF is that???!!!! God has NOTHING to do with this!" If Nick was buried, he would be rolling over in his grave. Maybe I should be surprise that Suzy's room is not covered in explosive ashes! Anyway, Jed kept going. I finally replied with, "If you believe in that kind of thing. To me, it's just a senseless accident that took my son from me." He continued. I could see it in his face. He was just another rider trying to make sense of a rider taken down. I understand. But from a grieving mom stand point, God had nothing to do with it.. and if he did, then what the fuck was he thinking? Why would a benevolent, loving God take my son from us? Ya.. not buying it, people.
I really can't find one good reason for Nick's death. I have tried! I have tried to rationalize it. I have tried to make sense of it. But in all honesty, there is nothing. Are there lessons I can learn from the grief I experience? Yes. Would I have learned them without the death of my son, not likely. Could I have gone on with the rest of my life without having ever learned these lessons, YES. They are not vital to my existence. So, ya, do me (and every other grieving human being in his world) a favor, and take this line of thinking out of your "How to console a grieving person tool box". Please, and thanks.
On another and different note on religion.....
Grief has a way of making you think about God, Heaven, Hell, and the afterlife. I have long since given up on the idea of heaven and/or hell. For years I have believed that heaven or hell is what we make of this life that we live.. no where we go after we die. I also believe that after we die, we just return to source. I believe that we are energy in a human form and that when our human form expires our energy returns to the energy source that is all around us. Kind of like an ice cube. It is still water, but in a physical/hard form. But when you put it into a bowl of water, the physical/hard form ceases to exist and the soft/liquid form returns to become one with the rest of the water. So yes, that is what I believe happens when our physical bodies expire.
However, I have been contemplating the idea of a heaven, the kind of heaven that the Mormons believe in. It's no really heaven that I think about, but the idea that "family is forever" and that once we die, we rejoin our family members in heaven. We actually get to be with them again (or so they believe). When I was a Christian, I never believed that. I just believed we went to heaven, but our family members are just more people up in heaven, not people we would recognize as family members. And I never really gave it much thought. Why would I? I was young and never lost anyone that was that close to me to be concerned about it. But here I am, 11 months into the loss of my son. The idea of sealing a family member to another family member and "family is forever" and the idea of being with my son again in a way that is very tangible is kind of tempting. (Not tempting enough to become Mormon or to go against everything Nick believes and force him to be Mormon by doing a proxy baptism in the Temple....Nick would explode in Suzy's room!) But the idea is kind of nice, and I understand why Mormons love that part of what they believe. I get it. I would not make a good Mormon anyway.. too many things to give up. But if I could have multiple husbands (and wives) I might reconsider. *laugh*
Anyway, I don't need the family sealing. When I remind myself what I believe, that Nick's energy has returned to "source".. to the rest of the energy of this world and that we are all part of this energy and that we are all connected, then Nick IS connected to me right NOW and he is HERE right NOW... and that is also why he plays with the lights in the house. *laugh* LOL, maybe that is why I cut the electrical cord while working in the yard....Nick wanted me to see the pretty sparks :). That is something he would have loved to have seen and played with. *laugh*
Thursday, October 15, 2015
October 15, 2015 A Little Bit of This and That
Life has away of rolling along, even during my 20 minute brain breaks.
Ever since last week, I have been joking around about writing a book on how to live life in 2 hour increments (since that is the way have to live my life right now). It's crazy how much you can get done in 2 hours when you know that is all you have before you need to rest your brain for 20 minutes. But it also has me questioning what is really important in my life. When you only have 2 hours at a time to get things done, is running to the mall really THAT important? What else could I be doing in those 2 hours? What about watching that TV show? Is it really that important? And what about sitting on Facebook hitting refresh or hoping that a certain someone sends you a message (and that person never does). Making wise choices and learning what is truly important happens when you live your life in 2 hour increments.
I have also learned that in those 20 minute brain breaks, I may not have any outside stimulation going on, but my brain likes to work over time and I'm actually listening. It says some pretty amazing things. It is also filled with lots of crap, and I get to sift through it and find the amazing gems. The not so great part about this by the time my 20 minutes is up, my brain has been through 100 different thoughts and I have forgotten the good ones by the time I am up and running again. *laugh* Ah well.
In the last week, I have had my hysterectomy rescheduled (it was suppose to be today, but the doctor broke his foot and needed his own surgery) until November 19th. I have had a job offered to me (that I was not looking for) and had to turn it down thanks to brain injury therapy. I performed in a huge burlesque show with some of my favorite performers. It was so amazing to share a stage with them! And I got paid for it!!! Of course, none of us get paid enough to cover the sparkles on our costumes, but we love our art! There is no better feeling than getting paid for your art and expressing yourself! I also go to belly dance with my sisters over the weekend, and that went really well. But as busy as my weekend was, the brain hang over and recovery has been harsh. I'm still recovering and its almost the weekend again!
The anniversary of Nick's death is quickly approaching, and I can't help but feel like we should DO something, but I don't really know what. Everything inside of me keeps telling me to make a trip o Florida. But why? It's not like he is there. He isn' even buried there. His ashes are upstairs in Suzy's room. Going to the corner where he was killed.. it always feels like I am closer to him there, but that is silly. I want to go there and sit on the corner and cry. I wan to go there and light candles (or put out LED candles) on the corner that day. I want to hold vigil ..just in case Michaeleen Blair drives by that day and remembers what she did and how she changed our world. But what is more likely is that we will sit around a fire pit a home.. which is cool too. I don't know.
Last night I had a dream about taking a trip to Belize. Tracy wasn't with me, but Nate went with me. Just the 2 of us escaping to paradise. It was kind of a bizarre dream. I'm sure its not just unconscious telling me that I want to run away for a while. I have a HUGE desire to get away. Maybe its cause of the anniversary coming up. Maybe its because of the enormous amounts of doctors visits I have scheduled. Maybe its just because I have the travel bug. But I want to get away. I want to travel to New York and stay in a nice hotel, visit the museums, see a show. I want to run away to the beach and put my toes in the sand. I want to head to Vegas and catch some shows and sit by the pool. I want to laugh with friends.
Change is never easy for me. I don't like it very much. When it comes to relationships, change is even harder. I expect alot, when I should really expect nothing. I give everything, when I should really be choosy about how much I give and to whom. I love entirely too quickly and entirely too deeply and often on people who when it comes down to it, I probably shouldn't. But at the same time, I believe that loving people is never wrong, but I should be prepared to no be loved back or as much or in a way that I want to be loved. One day I may learn these lessons. One day I may learn to be choosy. One day I may learn that not everyone has the capability to love without restraint or they choose to love when its convenient for them and the moment its not convenient, I become expendable. The truth is, I deserve better than that. I know this. One day these people will call me and find out I'm not here. One day they will call me and find out that I will not make time for them because I am not that person anymore. One day they will want to see me and find out that I am not going to work my life around them to make them feel good. And that will be their loss, not mine. Nothing in this life is permanent. NOTHING. People come and go... they move in and out of your life. Maybe its time that I move out of some people's lives and make room in my life for people who really want to be there. I have lost enough in this past year, and I'm tired of losing more. So maybe instead of looking at it as losing, I will look at it as cleansing. I am cleansing my life of the hanger-ons.. the ones who attach themselves to me and take but no longer give. I am washing them off and starting clean. (In my head I hear a cackling and this message.. "Easier said than done!" That may be true but I am worth it.)
How often do we hang on to people because we think we love them or think they love us back (because they say they do)? How often do we look at those relationships and hear "i love yous" but see no real action behind it? How often do we hang to those relationships in hopes that we will one day feel like what they are saying is true...that one day they will actually SHOW It no just say it. How often do we hang on to those relationships out of loyalty or some kind of "should have". This is so co-dependent it's not even funny. We as individuals need to learn that that only person we really need to be loyal to is ourselves. We can not keep expending emotional energy on someone hoping that they will give that same kind of energy back. We can not keep expending that kind of emotional energy thinking that we are the only people on this planet that can save them and if we disappear, the other person's world will shatter. Cause, guess what?! IT WON'T. They might notice we are no longer here.. possibly....they might notice in the way that they notice an annoying fly has moved on to something else. Or thy might not notice at all. Because if we were really important to them, they would make time for us. They would call us or text us or make time to visit us. They would stop making excuses as to why they can't see us and just DO IT.. cause that is what people who love us do.
Relationships evolve and change. And we either become closer to people or we move apart. That's the truth of life. Yes, maybe we will cry about it, but in the long run, we know this as truth and we continue to move on, because being stuck in the muck is just not any fun and there are lots of people out there who are ready and willing to truly be there for us, but first we have to shake off the ones who are just hanging on so we can make room in our hearts for those who really truly want to be there.
Well okay....I guess I had alot on my mind. It's about time for another brain break.....
Ever since last week, I have been joking around about writing a book on how to live life in 2 hour increments (since that is the way have to live my life right now). It's crazy how much you can get done in 2 hours when you know that is all you have before you need to rest your brain for 20 minutes. But it also has me questioning what is really important in my life. When you only have 2 hours at a time to get things done, is running to the mall really THAT important? What else could I be doing in those 2 hours? What about watching that TV show? Is it really that important? And what about sitting on Facebook hitting refresh or hoping that a certain someone sends you a message (and that person never does). Making wise choices and learning what is truly important happens when you live your life in 2 hour increments.
I have also learned that in those 20 minute brain breaks, I may not have any outside stimulation going on, but my brain likes to work over time and I'm actually listening. It says some pretty amazing things. It is also filled with lots of crap, and I get to sift through it and find the amazing gems. The not so great part about this by the time my 20 minutes is up, my brain has been through 100 different thoughts and I have forgotten the good ones by the time I am up and running again. *laugh* Ah well.
In the last week, I have had my hysterectomy rescheduled (it was suppose to be today, but the doctor broke his foot and needed his own surgery) until November 19th. I have had a job offered to me (that I was not looking for) and had to turn it down thanks to brain injury therapy. I performed in a huge burlesque show with some of my favorite performers. It was so amazing to share a stage with them! And I got paid for it!!! Of course, none of us get paid enough to cover the sparkles on our costumes, but we love our art! There is no better feeling than getting paid for your art and expressing yourself! I also go to belly dance with my sisters over the weekend, and that went really well. But as busy as my weekend was, the brain hang over and recovery has been harsh. I'm still recovering and its almost the weekend again!
The anniversary of Nick's death is quickly approaching, and I can't help but feel like we should DO something, but I don't really know what. Everything inside of me keeps telling me to make a trip o Florida. But why? It's not like he is there. He isn' even buried there. His ashes are upstairs in Suzy's room. Going to the corner where he was killed.. it always feels like I am closer to him there, but that is silly. I want to go there and sit on the corner and cry. I wan to go there and light candles (or put out LED candles) on the corner that day. I want to hold vigil ..just in case Michaeleen Blair drives by that day and remembers what she did and how she changed our world. But what is more likely is that we will sit around a fire pit a home.. which is cool too. I don't know.
Last night I had a dream about taking a trip to Belize. Tracy wasn't with me, but Nate went with me. Just the 2 of us escaping to paradise. It was kind of a bizarre dream. I'm sure its not just unconscious telling me that I want to run away for a while. I have a HUGE desire to get away. Maybe its cause of the anniversary coming up. Maybe its because of the enormous amounts of doctors visits I have scheduled. Maybe its just because I have the travel bug. But I want to get away. I want to travel to New York and stay in a nice hotel, visit the museums, see a show. I want to run away to the beach and put my toes in the sand. I want to head to Vegas and catch some shows and sit by the pool. I want to laugh with friends.
Change is never easy for me. I don't like it very much. When it comes to relationships, change is even harder. I expect alot, when I should really expect nothing. I give everything, when I should really be choosy about how much I give and to whom. I love entirely too quickly and entirely too deeply and often on people who when it comes down to it, I probably shouldn't. But at the same time, I believe that loving people is never wrong, but I should be prepared to no be loved back or as much or in a way that I want to be loved. One day I may learn these lessons. One day I may learn to be choosy. One day I may learn that not everyone has the capability to love without restraint or they choose to love when its convenient for them and the moment its not convenient, I become expendable. The truth is, I deserve better than that. I know this. One day these people will call me and find out I'm not here. One day they will call me and find out that I will not make time for them because I am not that person anymore. One day they will want to see me and find out that I am not going to work my life around them to make them feel good. And that will be their loss, not mine. Nothing in this life is permanent. NOTHING. People come and go... they move in and out of your life. Maybe its time that I move out of some people's lives and make room in my life for people who really want to be there. I have lost enough in this past year, and I'm tired of losing more. So maybe instead of looking at it as losing, I will look at it as cleansing. I am cleansing my life of the hanger-ons.. the ones who attach themselves to me and take but no longer give. I am washing them off and starting clean. (In my head I hear a cackling and this message.. "Easier said than done!" That may be true but I am worth it.)
How often do we hang on to people because we think we love them or think they love us back (because they say they do)? How often do we look at those relationships and hear "i love yous" but see no real action behind it? How often do we hang to those relationships in hopes that we will one day feel like what they are saying is true...that one day they will actually SHOW It no just say it. How often do we hang on to those relationships out of loyalty or some kind of "should have". This is so co-dependent it's not even funny. We as individuals need to learn that that only person we really need to be loyal to is ourselves. We can not keep expending emotional energy on someone hoping that they will give that same kind of energy back. We can not keep expending that kind of emotional energy thinking that we are the only people on this planet that can save them and if we disappear, the other person's world will shatter. Cause, guess what?! IT WON'T. They might notice we are no longer here.. possibly....they might notice in the way that they notice an annoying fly has moved on to something else. Or thy might not notice at all. Because if we were really important to them, they would make time for us. They would call us or text us or make time to visit us. They would stop making excuses as to why they can't see us and just DO IT.. cause that is what people who love us do.
Relationships evolve and change. And we either become closer to people or we move apart. That's the truth of life. Yes, maybe we will cry about it, but in the long run, we know this as truth and we continue to move on, because being stuck in the muck is just not any fun and there are lots of people out there who are ready and willing to truly be there for us, but first we have to shake off the ones who are just hanging on so we can make room in our hearts for those who really truly want to be there.
Well okay....I guess I had alot on my mind. It's about time for another brain break.....
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
My Best Self and Being Authentic....
Last week in Weigh Watchers we talked about what being our "best self" looks like. I have been thinking about it all week, and I am about to head to my WW meeting for this week, and I decided I need to rush this blog out before I forget about it.
There was an assignment that was kind of like a Mad Lib where it has a paragraph where we had to fill in adjectives and actions and foods and stuff in the blanks....this was a "Best Self Portrait" in words. Here is what mine said....
My best self is HAPPY and CONFIDENT. My best self likes to DANCE and EXERCISE. When faced with a challenge, my best self thinks "IT'S JUST A BUMP" and KEEPS MOVING FORWARD. On a typical day, my best self chooses to eat FRUITS AND VEGGIES FOR SNACKS and DRINK 3 LITERS OF WATER. In a typical week, my best self gets in a few workouts, including MEETING MY FRIEND AT THE GYM and A COUPLE MILES ON THE TRAILS. My best self takes time out for relaxing, restoring breaks such as HAMMOCK TIME WITH MY HUBBY. Overall, my best self feels JOY-FILLED about life. If a new Weight Watchers member asked for my definition of success, my best self would say "LIFE'S A TRAMPOLINE FILLED WITH LOTS OF UPS AND DOWNS. WE CAN CHOOSE TO SMILE AND LAUGH OR BE SCARED SHITLESS. IT'S MY CHOICE. I CHOOSE LAUGHTER!"
Last week she asked us alot of question about what our future self would look like, how she would behave, how she would eat, how she would walk to me. They kind of went along with some other questions my friend Brandon had me thinking about just the week before. What does being healthy mean to me now? Why do I compare myself to others or even to my past self? What are my strengths. What do I have control over now and what can I let go of? What healthy things have I done in the last month?
So here's the thing. I know people go to Weight Watchers to lose weight. I go to keep myself accountable. I go because it is a healthy place for me to go and feel safe and stay connected to a healthy part of me. I may not always make the healthiest food choices, but there I do love to exercise. And there are behaviors that I practice that ARE healthy or promote self-health, and belly dancing and burlesque is part of that.
While contemplating these questions over the last 2 weeks, it has dawned on me, that I am the best me that I can be in this moment. The best me that I could be 2 years ago was a different person with a different life circumstance than the best me now. I am the best me that I can be in this NOW. I have certain things in my life that I can not control, and that is okay. I don't have to control everything in my life. But I can control how I let them affect me. I realized that I spent a great deal of time comparing myself to a woman that I absolutely adore. How come I can not have her body and look like her? Then I remembered, she had the oppportunity to have surgery to look the way she does. There is no way I will look like THAT unless I pay for a surgery. And that is okay. I am the best me I can be in this moment. And once I realized that, I was able to get up and perform and do burlesque with a smile on my face. I do no have to lose weight and get to a certain size to be happy, but by being happy with who I am now, may one day get me to to a certain size... or not.. but at least I will be happy along the journey.
Now off to my WW meeting.. I'm late!
There was an assignment that was kind of like a Mad Lib where it has a paragraph where we had to fill in adjectives and actions and foods and stuff in the blanks....this was a "Best Self Portrait" in words. Here is what mine said....
My best self is HAPPY and CONFIDENT. My best self likes to DANCE and EXERCISE. When faced with a challenge, my best self thinks "IT'S JUST A BUMP" and KEEPS MOVING FORWARD. On a typical day, my best self chooses to eat FRUITS AND VEGGIES FOR SNACKS and DRINK 3 LITERS OF WATER. In a typical week, my best self gets in a few workouts, including MEETING MY FRIEND AT THE GYM and A COUPLE MILES ON THE TRAILS. My best self takes time out for relaxing, restoring breaks such as HAMMOCK TIME WITH MY HUBBY. Overall, my best self feels JOY-FILLED about life. If a new Weight Watchers member asked for my definition of success, my best self would say "LIFE'S A TRAMPOLINE FILLED WITH LOTS OF UPS AND DOWNS. WE CAN CHOOSE TO SMILE AND LAUGH OR BE SCARED SHITLESS. IT'S MY CHOICE. I CHOOSE LAUGHTER!"
Last week she asked us alot of question about what our future self would look like, how she would behave, how she would eat, how she would walk to me. They kind of went along with some other questions my friend Brandon had me thinking about just the week before. What does being healthy mean to me now? Why do I compare myself to others or even to my past self? What are my strengths. What do I have control over now and what can I let go of? What healthy things have I done in the last month?
So here's the thing. I know people go to Weight Watchers to lose weight. I go to keep myself accountable. I go because it is a healthy place for me to go and feel safe and stay connected to a healthy part of me. I may not always make the healthiest food choices, but there I do love to exercise. And there are behaviors that I practice that ARE healthy or promote self-health, and belly dancing and burlesque is part of that.
While contemplating these questions over the last 2 weeks, it has dawned on me, that I am the best me that I can be in this moment. The best me that I could be 2 years ago was a different person with a different life circumstance than the best me now. I am the best me that I can be in this NOW. I have certain things in my life that I can not control, and that is okay. I don't have to control everything in my life. But I can control how I let them affect me. I realized that I spent a great deal of time comparing myself to a woman that I absolutely adore. How come I can not have her body and look like her? Then I remembered, she had the oppportunity to have surgery to look the way she does. There is no way I will look like THAT unless I pay for a surgery. And that is okay. I am the best me I can be in this moment. And once I realized that, I was able to get up and perform and do burlesque with a smile on my face. I do no have to lose weight and get to a certain size to be happy, but by being happy with who I am now, may one day get me to to a certain size... or not.. but at least I will be happy along the journey.
Now off to my WW meeting.. I'm late!
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
September 22, 2015 Getting What I Wanted....
Yet feeling a bit weird about it.
There are certain Rites of Passages we all go through as human beings. Some of them we really look forward to..... like losing our first tooth and a visit from the tooth fairy! There are other things girls look forward to (or at least know about and expect whether we want them to or not). Like our first periods. I never looked forward to mine cause I never even knew they existed. So when I got my first one at 10 years old, I had no idea what was going on and I thought I was dieing (literally). I didn't tell my mom for a year until I was 11 and in 6th grade. It was October, right after a church harvest party. I had a friend of mine spend the night and she told me what was going on with my body and that I needed to talk to my mom to get the much needed feminine supplies. Welcome to being a woman.......
In the 36 years of monthly cycles, my amazing female body has given me 3 beautiful children. It has also been the source of some serious pain, lots of crying, serious killer mood swings, crazy vivid dreams among some other not so fun things. There have been times in my life where I cursed "that time of the month". There have been times when I felt it was so beautiful and sacred. When teaching Naomi about her cycle, I told her it was a beautiful thing that happens and allows her to give birth to babies later when she is ready (if that is what she wants).
Heck our periods are so mystical and magical that indigenous tribes created rites of passages for boys around the same age as girls who get their first cycle. These rites of passages were blood centered so that their boys would bleed and not die (just like a girl). Why? Because without medical knowledge, magic was the only thing that explained a person bleeding every month and not dieing.
I spent years educating girls on what to expect from their periods and why they have them and how to deal with them. Several years ago, when one of our friend's daughter had her first cycle, we celebrated with her and I bought her her first charm bracelet with female empowering charms. When Omi had her first one, she was prepared and we celebrated with a mom/daughter date and a special piece of jewelry.
I know that I have friends and family who have not been able to have their own babies for one reason or another. And I am very grateful for my body for what it was has given me, and I have never taken that for granted. I also know that in the last several years I have cursed my cycle.. always coming at the wrong time, the pain, the mess, the mood swings.... yadda yadda yadda. I know I have said over and over and over again, "I'm done with this uterus, why can't I just get it taken out?" Several years ago I had a doctor offer to take it out cause of some medical issues I was experiencing. But I declined. Then the next year I wanted it out but I no longer had the issues (or at least not enough) and insurance would not have covered it. Now here I am.. 46 years old... long past the baby bearing years. (Sometimes begging someone take my uterus out since I'm not using it anyway.) But being a mom has been my identity since I was 19 years old when I conceived Nick. And that uterus is what helped that to happen.
Last night as I went to bed, I talked to Tracy. We had just had a consultation with a doctor for a hysterectomy. I feel weird and have mixed feelings. I told him that I am afraid I am losing what makes me a woman. He told me that men sometimes feel that way when they have vasectomies. (I never even considered that.) I eventually went to sleep last night.
This morning, I woke up to my cycle starting. I also woke up to a phone call from the doctor's office. My hysterectomy is scheduled for October 15th. Today is the first day of my last ever cycle. Another rite of passage. Some women just go into menopause naturally and others end up with a hysterectomy. I don't know whether to celebrate this change in female status or mourn the loss of my uterus and the magical ability to have babies. This afternoon, I told Omi how I was feeling. I told her I felt like I was losing the part of me that makes me a woman. Her amazing reply was, "Your boobs make you a woman." LOL. Then I talked to Tracy, and being the amazing man that he is, he said "You make you a woman. What parts you are born with or currently have isn't everything that makes a woman." This is true, and I totally believe that about transgendered people.. now to believe that about myself.
It's a big change in my life.....another big change in a year. In one year I lose a child and I lose the ability to make another baby (not that I was using i for that reason anyway). It's an emotional thing. It's a good thing. It's still emotional.
There are certain Rites of Passages we all go through as human beings. Some of them we really look forward to..... like losing our first tooth and a visit from the tooth fairy! There are other things girls look forward to (or at least know about and expect whether we want them to or not). Like our first periods. I never looked forward to mine cause I never even knew they existed. So when I got my first one at 10 years old, I had no idea what was going on and I thought I was dieing (literally). I didn't tell my mom for a year until I was 11 and in 6th grade. It was October, right after a church harvest party. I had a friend of mine spend the night and she told me what was going on with my body and that I needed to talk to my mom to get the much needed feminine supplies. Welcome to being a woman.......
In the 36 years of monthly cycles, my amazing female body has given me 3 beautiful children. It has also been the source of some serious pain, lots of crying, serious killer mood swings, crazy vivid dreams among some other not so fun things. There have been times in my life where I cursed "that time of the month". There have been times when I felt it was so beautiful and sacred. When teaching Naomi about her cycle, I told her it was a beautiful thing that happens and allows her to give birth to babies later when she is ready (if that is what she wants).
Heck our periods are so mystical and magical that indigenous tribes created rites of passages for boys around the same age as girls who get their first cycle. These rites of passages were blood centered so that their boys would bleed and not die (just like a girl). Why? Because without medical knowledge, magic was the only thing that explained a person bleeding every month and not dieing.
I spent years educating girls on what to expect from their periods and why they have them and how to deal with them. Several years ago, when one of our friend's daughter had her first cycle, we celebrated with her and I bought her her first charm bracelet with female empowering charms. When Omi had her first one, she was prepared and we celebrated with a mom/daughter date and a special piece of jewelry.
I know that I have friends and family who have not been able to have their own babies for one reason or another. And I am very grateful for my body for what it was has given me, and I have never taken that for granted. I also know that in the last several years I have cursed my cycle.. always coming at the wrong time, the pain, the mess, the mood swings.... yadda yadda yadda. I know I have said over and over and over again, "I'm done with this uterus, why can't I just get it taken out?" Several years ago I had a doctor offer to take it out cause of some medical issues I was experiencing. But I declined. Then the next year I wanted it out but I no longer had the issues (or at least not enough) and insurance would not have covered it. Now here I am.. 46 years old... long past the baby bearing years. (Sometimes begging someone take my uterus out since I'm not using it anyway.) But being a mom has been my identity since I was 19 years old when I conceived Nick. And that uterus is what helped that to happen.
Last night as I went to bed, I talked to Tracy. We had just had a consultation with a doctor for a hysterectomy. I feel weird and have mixed feelings. I told him that I am afraid I am losing what makes me a woman. He told me that men sometimes feel that way when they have vasectomies. (I never even considered that.) I eventually went to sleep last night.
This morning, I woke up to my cycle starting. I also woke up to a phone call from the doctor's office. My hysterectomy is scheduled for October 15th. Today is the first day of my last ever cycle. Another rite of passage. Some women just go into menopause naturally and others end up with a hysterectomy. I don't know whether to celebrate this change in female status or mourn the loss of my uterus and the magical ability to have babies. This afternoon, I told Omi how I was feeling. I told her I felt like I was losing the part of me that makes me a woman. Her amazing reply was, "Your boobs make you a woman." LOL. Then I talked to Tracy, and being the amazing man that he is, he said "You make you a woman. What parts you are born with or currently have isn't everything that makes a woman." This is true, and I totally believe that about transgendered people.. now to believe that about myself.
It's a big change in my life.....another big change in a year. In one year I lose a child and I lose the ability to make another baby (not that I was using i for that reason anyway). It's an emotional thing. It's a good thing. It's still emotional.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
September 20, 2015 The Rainbow After The Storm
Grief rolls in kind of like an autumn storm system. It rains really heavy; then takes a long enough break for the sun to shine for a bit and rainbows to come out. Then it rains some more.
For the last couple of weeks, I have been in the dark rainy storm, but last week sometime, I got a break in the storm and the rainbow came out!
I am very grateful for my friends. Mishi is finally home from all of her traveling for work. And we are done with our traveling for fun. And we were finally able to hang out! She treated me to lunch a our favorite tea place here in town and we caught up on life. Man have I missed her! She was one of our very first friends here in Idaho. We have been friends for nearly 13 years now! (Never mind some "off time" in the middle.) No matter what happens we are always friends and connected at the heart.
I also had the pleasure of sharing company with my favorite bald man, Brandon. His wife was out of town and he wanted to go see a movie. I hadn't seen him in what seemed like forever. We visited and laughed before the movie. He always makes me laugh so hard. I'm so glad he and his amazing wife move here last year. Actually, at this time last year, we were moving into our new house and Brandon spent hours here with me just goofing off while I was here waiting for Omi to get out of school. Anyway, we saw Straight Out Of Compton. It was a great movie, and there is nothing funnier than watching a white bald man from Texas rapping to the music. LOL.
Then on Friday, my other friend, Tami, invited me out to lunch with her and her boys. What a treat. I love spending time with Tami. Funny, last month, marked 7 years that we first met. Crazy how time flies and how much our lives have changed and evolved since then. I am so grateful for her friendship. I learned more about grief from her than I realized. I had no idea what I observed from her and her family 7 years ago would help me in the future. Here I am now, so grateful for those lessons and for her friendship, compassion, and insights...and her snarky sense of humor that keeps me on my toes. Later that night, Tracy and I joined some other friends at the Gonzalez house for dinner and Cards Against Humanity..more laughter and silliness (just what the doctor ordered).
So that was Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Those were just friend visits. That didn't include the other happenings.
Thursday night, Omi and I worked a concession stand for the Boise High and Capital High football game. I was in charge of a register. This worried me some, but I explained the brain issue and everyone was very patient with me. Over all, I think he brain held it together well and we had a great time working with the other choir peeps in the concession stand. There was lots of laughter and silliness... and we made money for her choir account. However, all that fun came at a cost. The next day while visiting with Tami, my mouth had a very hard time forming words. The brain was not pulling up words, names or memories very well. Trying to hold an intelligent conversation with Tami was difficult. I saw in Tami and Tami's kids faces how hard it was for them to understand what I was trying to say. When I get that look, I know its bad. *sigh* But again, they are awesome.... I just wish the brain would come back.
Unfortunately, that same brain issue continued the rest of the day and that night. That night, Omi and I rehearsed our dances and I could not remember them to save my life. I was terrified that our performance on Saturday was going to be miserable! I almost cancelled.
Saturday morning came. I got up and dressed and Omi and I went to rehears our dances again. I was doing a bit better. I just prayed the brain would hold it together. We got to Hyde Park early so we could walk around. I had my purse, my dance bag and my dancing cane. I stopped in a booth to buy some hair flowers and I accidentally forgot my cane. I did not realize it until we were suppose to be meeting our troupe. I threw my stuff in Omi's arms and took off to look for my cane. But I could no remember where that booth was. Tracy realized that the brain was not working the way it needed to so he chased after me and lead me to exactly where I needed to go. Sure enough, they were holding my cane for me. Now I was frazzled. This was not a good thing 30 minutes before stage time.
Finally back stage waiting with my sisters to dance, and Omi was an emotional mess. Being at Hyde Park was a big trigger for my family. Nick LOVED Hyde Park. He was a HUGE hippy. And just before we went back stage, we ended up at the Atheist booth and they had stickers for Secular Student Alliance. Yup.... we were all affected by this. We miss Nick, and Hyde Park is one big memory of Nick. And all of that right before we went on stage. With lots of hugs and deep breaths, Omi and I collected ourselves and focused on dancing for Nick.
There is just something about dancing at festivals. It always makes me smile. We had a huge crowd watching us. We had little girls sitting at the edge of our stage smiling at us and saying hi to us while we danced. They looked at us with awe. I remember being them when I was little.. and now here I was, one of the women I always wanted to be. Naomi and I dance the intro dance with everyone. Then we were off stage for a dance. Then back on for our duet that was to a song by Bond called Fuego.. in honor of Nick. We danced it near perfectly (thank you brain). We danced 2 other dances, including our class dance (while missing a person) and we danced that nearly perfect (thank you brain). Then the very last dance (my 5th dance for the day) and I messed up a bit. I will take it as a win. My brain made it all the way through before melting down! Yay!!!
After we danced, he girls went and got hair wraps... this is something Nick loved doing. While they took turns in the chair, we all talked and remembered Nick. It was a sweet and fun moment.
It was a long and happy day at the festival. Then it was home to get cleaned up and head out for date night at Red Light Variety Show.
Tracy and I met Linda and her friends on her birthday at the Red Light Variety Show and we laughed some more! It was a great show with great company.
My life is very blessed with some amazing friends. More importantly, it is blessed with an amazing husband who is absolutely sexy, charming, funny, and so very sweet. I love him dearly!!!
Yay for rainbows!!!
For the last couple of weeks, I have been in the dark rainy storm, but last week sometime, I got a break in the storm and the rainbow came out!
I am very grateful for my friends. Mishi is finally home from all of her traveling for work. And we are done with our traveling for fun. And we were finally able to hang out! She treated me to lunch a our favorite tea place here in town and we caught up on life. Man have I missed her! She was one of our very first friends here in Idaho. We have been friends for nearly 13 years now! (Never mind some "off time" in the middle.) No matter what happens we are always friends and connected at the heart.
I also had the pleasure of sharing company with my favorite bald man, Brandon. His wife was out of town and he wanted to go see a movie. I hadn't seen him in what seemed like forever. We visited and laughed before the movie. He always makes me laugh so hard. I'm so glad he and his amazing wife move here last year. Actually, at this time last year, we were moving into our new house and Brandon spent hours here with me just goofing off while I was here waiting for Omi to get out of school. Anyway, we saw Straight Out Of Compton. It was a great movie, and there is nothing funnier than watching a white bald man from Texas rapping to the music. LOL.
Then on Friday, my other friend, Tami, invited me out to lunch with her and her boys. What a treat. I love spending time with Tami. Funny, last month, marked 7 years that we first met. Crazy how time flies and how much our lives have changed and evolved since then. I am so grateful for her friendship. I learned more about grief from her than I realized. I had no idea what I observed from her and her family 7 years ago would help me in the future. Here I am now, so grateful for those lessons and for her friendship, compassion, and insights...and her snarky sense of humor that keeps me on my toes. Later that night, Tracy and I joined some other friends at the Gonzalez house for dinner and Cards Against Humanity..more laughter and silliness (just what the doctor ordered).
So that was Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Those were just friend visits. That didn't include the other happenings.
Thursday night, Omi and I worked a concession stand for the Boise High and Capital High football game. I was in charge of a register. This worried me some, but I explained the brain issue and everyone was very patient with me. Over all, I think he brain held it together well and we had a great time working with the other choir peeps in the concession stand. There was lots of laughter and silliness... and we made money for her choir account. However, all that fun came at a cost. The next day while visiting with Tami, my mouth had a very hard time forming words. The brain was not pulling up words, names or memories very well. Trying to hold an intelligent conversation with Tami was difficult. I saw in Tami and Tami's kids faces how hard it was for them to understand what I was trying to say. When I get that look, I know its bad. *sigh* But again, they are awesome.... I just wish the brain would come back.
Unfortunately, that same brain issue continued the rest of the day and that night. That night, Omi and I rehearsed our dances and I could not remember them to save my life. I was terrified that our performance on Saturday was going to be miserable! I almost cancelled.
Saturday morning came. I got up and dressed and Omi and I went to rehears our dances again. I was doing a bit better. I just prayed the brain would hold it together. We got to Hyde Park early so we could walk around. I had my purse, my dance bag and my dancing cane. I stopped in a booth to buy some hair flowers and I accidentally forgot my cane. I did not realize it until we were suppose to be meeting our troupe. I threw my stuff in Omi's arms and took off to look for my cane. But I could no remember where that booth was. Tracy realized that the brain was not working the way it needed to so he chased after me and lead me to exactly where I needed to go. Sure enough, they were holding my cane for me. Now I was frazzled. This was not a good thing 30 minutes before stage time.
Finally back stage waiting with my sisters to dance, and Omi was an emotional mess. Being at Hyde Park was a big trigger for my family. Nick LOVED Hyde Park. He was a HUGE hippy. And just before we went back stage, we ended up at the Atheist booth and they had stickers for Secular Student Alliance. Yup.... we were all affected by this. We miss Nick, and Hyde Park is one big memory of Nick. And all of that right before we went on stage. With lots of hugs and deep breaths, Omi and I collected ourselves and focused on dancing for Nick.
There is just something about dancing at festivals. It always makes me smile. We had a huge crowd watching us. We had little girls sitting at the edge of our stage smiling at us and saying hi to us while we danced. They looked at us with awe. I remember being them when I was little.. and now here I was, one of the women I always wanted to be. Naomi and I dance the intro dance with everyone. Then we were off stage for a dance. Then back on for our duet that was to a song by Bond called Fuego.. in honor of Nick. We danced it near perfectly (thank you brain). We danced 2 other dances, including our class dance (while missing a person) and we danced that nearly perfect (thank you brain). Then the very last dance (my 5th dance for the day) and I messed up a bit. I will take it as a win. My brain made it all the way through before melting down! Yay!!!
After we danced, he girls went and got hair wraps... this is something Nick loved doing. While they took turns in the chair, we all talked and remembered Nick. It was a sweet and fun moment.
It was a long and happy day at the festival. Then it was home to get cleaned up and head out for date night at Red Light Variety Show.
Tracy and I met Linda and her friends on her birthday at the Red Light Variety Show and we laughed some more! It was a great show with great company.
My life is very blessed with some amazing friends. More importantly, it is blessed with an amazing husband who is absolutely sexy, charming, funny, and so very sweet. I love him dearly!!!
Yay for rainbows!!!
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
September 16, 2015 From Goth to Princess Dresses.. My How Times Have Changed!
No..this is not about Naomi. This blog is about Nick and I guess accepting change, one piece at a time.
The last couple of weeks have been very difficult on me. I know its PMS time, and things get weird around that time anyway, but this month, I think it was a bit more than that. I have had entirely too much on my mind in the last couple of weeks. Some of the stuff I still can't talk about publicly as things are not resolved and we don't have answers. But I can at least say that I have let go of the fear I had floating around about it and I expect a positive outcome. We have also had a round of walking pneumonia and bronchitis going around this house with 2 different family members. They are both finally starting to feel better and human again, but gah! Then add to that, my own personal female issues. I went for a consultation on a simple procedure (purely to take care of my monthly cycle electively) only to find out that thanks to my uncooperative cervix and uterus, the elective procedure (which insurance would have covered cause my body hates me) could have killed me and they have referred me for a hysterectomy. *laugh* See, I have been dealing with entirely too much on my plate all at once, and all of this was happening around the 10th of the month which is an "iffy" date for people in this house. It's no wonder I have been an emotional mess. Things are calming down a bit. I have a consultation for a hysterectomy next week. The sickos in the house are feeling better. And life as we know it is moving along. So this is a good thing and a blessing.
The other thought process I have had in the last week is a bit ironic (or at least I think it is.....I know people use that term incorrectly all of the time). When I was going in to have a c-section to deliver Omi, I was certain I (or Omi) would no survive the birth. I have no idea why. I was just crazy pregnancy hormones talking. I knew Omi would be my last child. 3 c-sections is my limit (should be any one's limit).. too risky after that. But anyway, even though I knew I didn't want to have a 4th baby, I was terrified that if she died an I got my tubes tied during that labor I would hate myself. I thought for certain I would want to have another baby (if she didn't make it). Now... here I am, within the 1st year of losing Nick and I am looking at have my baby making parts removed. I have lost a child, and I am looking at permanent sterilization. This hits me in a very weird emotional place. I know I don't want another baby of my own. I'm 46 years old... that is NEVER a good age to pop out a baby. Not to mention another child would NOT take place of the one that I lost. But still.. there is that feeling.....
Anyway, this week, all of the "feels" hit home when I opened up my facebook and saw a picture of Nick's high school best friend, college room mate, and best man at his wedding. It was a picture of Colton riding sitting on top of one of his friends shoulders. They had backpacks on and were in the mountains and they had HUGE smiles on their faces. There Colton was sooooo full of life and happy and on an adventure, and my son is dead. What Nick wouldn't give to be the other man in that picture with Colon. Nick LOVED the mountains! He loved hiking. He loved backpacking. He loved rock climbing. He loved Colton. Nick should be alive and posting pictures like that. I should be opening up my facebook and seeing Nick filled with life and mischief in his eyes. Then I kept scrolling and I came across a post a friend of mine posted about missing her son who is away at college and how she cant' wait to hug him again. And I was so jealous and angry.
All of this, and I realized just how much I miss my friends. This week, I have felt so lonely. Really lonely. Friendships have shifted and changed. Hell my life has been turned inside out and upside down. I find myself hiding and no wanting to go out at all. But there is one local friend who has not let me hide. She has not let me become a hermit. She has been here the whole way through this grief process. And for the last couple of weeks, she has been traveling for work and we have no been able to see each other and I miss her terribly. She knows when I'm a wreck, and she shows up at my door regardless of how I am feeling.. just to make sure I am okay. She messages me daily to say hi and good morning and check in... even while she is traveling. She has been my rock. And I have really missed her. I have other friends who don't live near me who check on me on facebook and I love them for that. But this week, has been very hard for me. I feel like I have lost so many of my friends. I realize friendship is a two way street, and I should be contacting my friends, but that is a huge part of me that just wants to hide and makes it very difficult for me to reach out. I just does.
Anyway......Whatever. I didn't mean to start whining. I feel like all I have written about lately has been sad stuff, and none of the great stuff in my life... or fun memories. I apologize to my readers. There are plenty of things in life to be grateful for... and to be happy about. I have made 3 amazing trips in the last couple of months. I have gotten to visit with friends and experience Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge which was so much better than I expected. I got to share in the joy of watching my friends daughter cheer for her very first football game. I got to have a fun filled day of laughter with friends while wine tasting. Omi is doing really well in school this year (by that, I mean, emotionally well). I've gotten to cheer on my mom and her best friend as they performed in a talent show at their senior living apartment complex. I got to take my mom and her best friend to an opera/burlesque show and laugh with them. So see.. life isn't all about crying and grief. And I have much to be grateful for. Like last night, my son Nate gave me a huge hug and thanked me for a yummy dinner. It's the little things in life that make a difference.
I am a very date oriented person, in case you have not realized that yet. And last year at this time, we were waiting on the keys to our new house. At that moment in time, our life seemed to be filled with endless amount of happiness and hope (if not a bit stressful). We were so excited to move into our new home and make it ours. And now.... a year later....we are 10 months into grieving our son and some of hat endless amount of happiness and hope has been taken from us. Not all of it, but some of it. That excitement of the new house was stolen from us a month after we actually moved in. In some ways, I wish we could run away from this house cause of the grief we have felt here. But I also know, "where ever you go, there you are." It's not the house that has the issue. It's us. And for a month we had a great time here, and even in the last 10 months, we have had some great times. As time continues to pass, we will have more. Life changes......its just the way things are.
Speaking of changes.... I was reminded of a huge change today. I was out shopping for Omi's Cinderella dress for her voice recital. I ended up finding it at Hot Topic. That's not a huge shocker, as they have lots of stuff like that there. They also have lots of Doctor Who and Super Natural stuff. The store is a geek haven. But it hasn't always been that way! YEARS ago, when they first opened, Nick liked to shop there. At the time it was THE place for Goth shopping. Everything was black and red. Big baggy pants with chains. It was also the place for alternative/hard rock music shirts (which it still is). But when Nick was a kid, there was no way in hell you would have found a Cinderella dress there! *laugh* I used to cringe when Nick wanted to go in there; now its one of my favorite stores in the mall! Today this simple reminder was very symbolic. Life changes. Everything has a season. While Hot Topic still has a Goth section, is not the biggest part of the store. Now it is brighter and has a lighter side to the store. Nick is gone. So is the deep dark black Goth part of that store. However, Nick is not forgotten will always have a presence in this world...just like the goth section at Hot Topic. My grief as dark as the Goth mood will not always be the biggest part of my emotional state; light will (and is) moving in. There will always be a part of me that has room for grief, but the brighter side of a hopeful princess will be hanging in the show window for all to see first and foremost eventually. And just like Hot Topic, my show windows will change and revolve.
The last couple of weeks have been very difficult on me. I know its PMS time, and things get weird around that time anyway, but this month, I think it was a bit more than that. I have had entirely too much on my mind in the last couple of weeks. Some of the stuff I still can't talk about publicly as things are not resolved and we don't have answers. But I can at least say that I have let go of the fear I had floating around about it and I expect a positive outcome. We have also had a round of walking pneumonia and bronchitis going around this house with 2 different family members. They are both finally starting to feel better and human again, but gah! Then add to that, my own personal female issues. I went for a consultation on a simple procedure (purely to take care of my monthly cycle electively) only to find out that thanks to my uncooperative cervix and uterus, the elective procedure (which insurance would have covered cause my body hates me) could have killed me and they have referred me for a hysterectomy. *laugh* See, I have been dealing with entirely too much on my plate all at once, and all of this was happening around the 10th of the month which is an "iffy" date for people in this house. It's no wonder I have been an emotional mess. Things are calming down a bit. I have a consultation for a hysterectomy next week. The sickos in the house are feeling better. And life as we know it is moving along. So this is a good thing and a blessing.
The other thought process I have had in the last week is a bit ironic (or at least I think it is.....I know people use that term incorrectly all of the time). When I was going in to have a c-section to deliver Omi, I was certain I (or Omi) would no survive the birth. I have no idea why. I was just crazy pregnancy hormones talking. I knew Omi would be my last child. 3 c-sections is my limit (should be any one's limit).. too risky after that. But anyway, even though I knew I didn't want to have a 4th baby, I was terrified that if she died an I got my tubes tied during that labor I would hate myself. I thought for certain I would want to have another baby (if she didn't make it). Now... here I am, within the 1st year of losing Nick and I am looking at have my baby making parts removed. I have lost a child, and I am looking at permanent sterilization. This hits me in a very weird emotional place. I know I don't want another baby of my own. I'm 46 years old... that is NEVER a good age to pop out a baby. Not to mention another child would NOT take place of the one that I lost. But still.. there is that feeling.....
Anyway, this week, all of the "feels" hit home when I opened up my facebook and saw a picture of Nick's high school best friend, college room mate, and best man at his wedding. It was a picture of Colton riding sitting on top of one of his friends shoulders. They had backpacks on and were in the mountains and they had HUGE smiles on their faces. There Colton was sooooo full of life and happy and on an adventure, and my son is dead. What Nick wouldn't give to be the other man in that picture with Colon. Nick LOVED the mountains! He loved hiking. He loved backpacking. He loved rock climbing. He loved Colton. Nick should be alive and posting pictures like that. I should be opening up my facebook and seeing Nick filled with life and mischief in his eyes. Then I kept scrolling and I came across a post a friend of mine posted about missing her son who is away at college and how she cant' wait to hug him again. And I was so jealous and angry.
All of this, and I realized just how much I miss my friends. This week, I have felt so lonely. Really lonely. Friendships have shifted and changed. Hell my life has been turned inside out and upside down. I find myself hiding and no wanting to go out at all. But there is one local friend who has not let me hide. She has not let me become a hermit. She has been here the whole way through this grief process. And for the last couple of weeks, she has been traveling for work and we have no been able to see each other and I miss her terribly. She knows when I'm a wreck, and she shows up at my door regardless of how I am feeling.. just to make sure I am okay. She messages me daily to say hi and good morning and check in... even while she is traveling. She has been my rock. And I have really missed her. I have other friends who don't live near me who check on me on facebook and I love them for that. But this week, has been very hard for me. I feel like I have lost so many of my friends. I realize friendship is a two way street, and I should be contacting my friends, but that is a huge part of me that just wants to hide and makes it very difficult for me to reach out. I just does.
Anyway......Whatever. I didn't mean to start whining. I feel like all I have written about lately has been sad stuff, and none of the great stuff in my life... or fun memories. I apologize to my readers. There are plenty of things in life to be grateful for... and to be happy about. I have made 3 amazing trips in the last couple of months. I have gotten to visit with friends and experience Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge which was so much better than I expected. I got to share in the joy of watching my friends daughter cheer for her very first football game. I got to have a fun filled day of laughter with friends while wine tasting. Omi is doing really well in school this year (by that, I mean, emotionally well). I've gotten to cheer on my mom and her best friend as they performed in a talent show at their senior living apartment complex. I got to take my mom and her best friend to an opera/burlesque show and laugh with them. So see.. life isn't all about crying and grief. And I have much to be grateful for. Like last night, my son Nate gave me a huge hug and thanked me for a yummy dinner. It's the little things in life that make a difference.
I am a very date oriented person, in case you have not realized that yet. And last year at this time, we were waiting on the keys to our new house. At that moment in time, our life seemed to be filled with endless amount of happiness and hope (if not a bit stressful). We were so excited to move into our new home and make it ours. And now.... a year later....we are 10 months into grieving our son and some of hat endless amount of happiness and hope has been taken from us. Not all of it, but some of it. That excitement of the new house was stolen from us a month after we actually moved in. In some ways, I wish we could run away from this house cause of the grief we have felt here. But I also know, "where ever you go, there you are." It's not the house that has the issue. It's us. And for a month we had a great time here, and even in the last 10 months, we have had some great times. As time continues to pass, we will have more. Life changes......its just the way things are.
Speaking of changes.... I was reminded of a huge change today. I was out shopping for Omi's Cinderella dress for her voice recital. I ended up finding it at Hot Topic. That's not a huge shocker, as they have lots of stuff like that there. They also have lots of Doctor Who and Super Natural stuff. The store is a geek haven. But it hasn't always been that way! YEARS ago, when they first opened, Nick liked to shop there. At the time it was THE place for Goth shopping. Everything was black and red. Big baggy pants with chains. It was also the place for alternative/hard rock music shirts (which it still is). But when Nick was a kid, there was no way in hell you would have found a Cinderella dress there! *laugh* I used to cringe when Nick wanted to go in there; now its one of my favorite stores in the mall! Today this simple reminder was very symbolic. Life changes. Everything has a season. While Hot Topic still has a Goth section, is not the biggest part of the store. Now it is brighter and has a lighter side to the store. Nick is gone. So is the deep dark black Goth part of that store. However, Nick is not forgotten will always have a presence in this world...just like the goth section at Hot Topic. My grief as dark as the Goth mood will not always be the biggest part of my emotional state; light will (and is) moving in. There will always be a part of me that has room for grief, but the brighter side of a hopeful princess will be hanging in the show window for all to see first and foremost eventually. And just like Hot Topic, my show windows will change and revolve.
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