September 22, 2015 Getting What I Wanted....

Yet feeling a bit weird about it.

There are certain Rites of Passages we all go through as human beings.  Some of them we really look forward to..... like losing our first tooth and a visit from the tooth fairy!  There are other things girls look forward to (or at least know about and expect whether we want them to or not).  Like our first periods.  I never looked forward to mine cause I never even knew they existed.  So when I got my first one at 10 years old, I had no idea what was going on and I thought I was dieing (literally).  I didn't tell my mom for a year until I was 11 and in 6th grade.  It was October, right after a church harvest party.  I had a friend of mine spend the night and she told me what was going on with my body and that I needed to talk to my mom to get the much needed feminine supplies.  Welcome to being a woman.......

In the 36 years of monthly cycles, my amazing female body has given me 3 beautiful children.  It has also been the source of some serious pain, lots of crying, serious killer mood swings, crazy vivid dreams among some other not so fun things.  There have been times in my life where I cursed "that time of the month".  There have been times when I felt it was so beautiful and sacred.  When teaching Naomi about her cycle, I told her it was a beautiful thing that happens and allows her to give birth to babies later when she is ready (if that is what she wants).

Heck our periods are so mystical and magical that indigenous tribes created rites of passages for boys around the same age as girls who get their first cycle.  These rites of passages were blood centered so that their boys would bleed and not die (just like a girl).  Why?  Because without medical knowledge, magic was the only thing that explained a person bleeding every month and not dieing.

I spent years educating girls on what to expect from their periods and why they have them and how to deal with them.  Several years ago, when one of our friend's daughter had her first cycle, we celebrated with her and I bought her her first charm bracelet with female empowering charms.  When Omi had her first one, she was prepared and we celebrated with a mom/daughter date and a special piece of jewelry.

I know that I have friends and family who have not been able to have their own babies for one reason or another.  And I am very grateful for my body for what it was has given me, and I have never taken that for granted.  I also know that in the last several years I have cursed my cycle.. always coming at the wrong time, the pain, the mess, the mood swings.... yadda yadda yadda.  I know I have said over and over and over again, "I'm done with this uterus, why can't I just get it taken out?"  Several years ago I had a doctor offer to take it out cause of some medical issues I was experiencing.  But I declined.  Then the next year I wanted it out but I no longer had the issues (or at least not enough) and insurance would not have covered it.  Now here I am.. 46 years old... long past the baby bearing years.  (Sometimes begging someone take my uterus out since I'm not using it anyway.)  But being a mom has been my identity since I was 19 years old when I conceived Nick.  And that uterus is what helped that to happen.

Last night as I went to bed, I talked to Tracy.  We had just had a consultation with a doctor for a hysterectomy.  I feel weird and have mixed feelings.  I told him that I am afraid I am losing what makes me a woman.  He told me that men sometimes feel that way when they have vasectomies.  (I never even considered that.)  I eventually went to sleep last night.

This morning, I woke up to my cycle starting.  I also woke up to a phone call from the doctor's office.  My hysterectomy is scheduled for October 15th.  Today is the first day of my last ever cycle.  Another rite of passage.  Some women just go into menopause naturally and others end up with a hysterectomy.  I don't know whether to celebrate this change in female status or mourn the loss of my uterus and the magical ability to have babies.  This afternoon, I told Omi how I was feeling.  I told her I felt like I was losing the part of me that makes me a woman.  Her amazing reply was, "Your boobs make you a woman."  LOL.  Then I talked to Tracy, and being the amazing man that he is, he said "You make you a woman.  What parts you are born with or currently have isn't everything that makes a woman."  This is true, and I totally believe that about transgendered people.. now to believe that about myself.

It's a big change in my life.....another big change in a year.  In one year I lose a child and I lose the ability to make another baby (not that I was using i for that reason anyway).  It's an emotional thing.  It's a good thing.  It's still emotional.