No..this is not about Naomi. This blog is about Nick and I guess accepting change, one piece at a time.
The last couple of weeks have been very difficult on me. I know its PMS time, and things get weird around that time anyway, but this month, I think it was a bit more than that. I have had entirely too much on my mind in the last couple of weeks. Some of the stuff I still can't talk about publicly as things are not resolved and we don't have answers. But I can at least say that I have let go of the fear I had floating around about it and I expect a positive outcome. We have also had a round of walking pneumonia and bronchitis going around this house with 2 different family members. They are both finally starting to feel better and human again, but gah! Then add to that, my own personal female issues. I went for a consultation on a simple procedure (purely to take care of my monthly cycle electively) only to find out that thanks to my uncooperative cervix and uterus, the elective procedure (which insurance would have covered cause my body hates me) could have killed me and they have referred me for a hysterectomy. *laugh* See, I have been dealing with entirely too much on my plate all at once, and all of this was happening around the 10th of the month which is an "iffy" date for people in this house. It's no wonder I have been an emotional mess. Things are calming down a bit. I have a consultation for a hysterectomy next week. The sickos in the house are feeling better. And life as we know it is moving along. So this is a good thing and a blessing.
The other thought process I have had in the last week is a bit ironic (or at least I think it is.....I know people use that term incorrectly all of the time). When I was going in to have a c-section to deliver Omi, I was certain I (or Omi) would no survive the birth. I have no idea why. I was just crazy pregnancy hormones talking. I knew Omi would be my last child. 3 c-sections is my limit (should be any one's limit).. too risky after that. But anyway, even though I knew I didn't want to have a 4th baby, I was terrified that if she died an I got my tubes tied during that labor I would hate myself. I thought for certain I would want to have another baby (if she didn't make it). Now... here I am, within the 1st year of losing Nick and I am looking at have my baby making parts removed. I have lost a child, and I am looking at permanent sterilization. This hits me in a very weird emotional place. I know I don't want another baby of my own. I'm 46 years old... that is NEVER a good age to pop out a baby. Not to mention another child would NOT take place of the one that I lost. But still.. there is that feeling.....
Anyway, this week, all of the "feels" hit home when I opened up my facebook and saw a picture of Nick's high school best friend, college room mate, and best man at his wedding. It was a picture of Colton riding sitting on top of one of his friends shoulders. They had backpacks on and were in the mountains and they had HUGE smiles on their faces. There Colton was sooooo full of life and happy and on an adventure, and my son is dead. What Nick wouldn't give to be the other man in that picture with Colon. Nick LOVED the mountains! He loved hiking. He loved backpacking. He loved rock climbing. He loved Colton. Nick should be alive and posting pictures like that. I should be opening up my facebook and seeing Nick filled with life and mischief in his eyes. Then I kept scrolling and I came across a post a friend of mine posted about missing her son who is away at college and how she cant' wait to hug him again. And I was so jealous and angry.
All of this, and I realized just how much I miss my friends. This week, I have felt so lonely. Really lonely. Friendships have shifted and changed. Hell my life has been turned inside out and upside down. I find myself hiding and no wanting to go out at all. But there is one local friend who has not let me hide. She has not let me become a hermit. She has been here the whole way through this grief process. And for the last couple of weeks, she has been traveling for work and we have no been able to see each other and I miss her terribly. She knows when I'm a wreck, and she shows up at my door regardless of how I am feeling.. just to make sure I am okay. She messages me daily to say hi and good morning and check in... even while she is traveling. She has been my rock. And I have really missed her. I have other friends who don't live near me who check on me on facebook and I love them for that. But this week, has been very hard for me. I feel like I have lost so many of my friends. I realize friendship is a two way street, and I should be contacting my friends, but that is a huge part of me that just wants to hide and makes it very difficult for me to reach out. I just does.
Anyway......Whatever. I didn't mean to start whining. I feel like all I have written about lately has been sad stuff, and none of the great stuff in my life... or fun memories. I apologize to my readers. There are plenty of things in life to be grateful for... and to be happy about. I have made 3 amazing trips in the last couple of months. I have gotten to visit with friends and experience Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge which was so much better than I expected. I got to share in the joy of watching my friends daughter cheer for her very first football game. I got to have a fun filled day of laughter with friends while wine tasting. Omi is doing really well in school this year (by that, I mean, emotionally well). I've gotten to cheer on my mom and her best friend as they performed in a talent show at their senior living apartment complex. I got to take my mom and her best friend to an opera/burlesque show and laugh with them. So see.. life isn't all about crying and grief. And I have much to be grateful for. Like last night, my son Nate gave me a huge hug and thanked me for a yummy dinner. It's the little things in life that make a difference.
I am a very date oriented person, in case you have not realized that yet. And last year at this time, we were waiting on the keys to our new house. At that moment in time, our life seemed to be filled with endless amount of happiness and hope (if not a bit stressful). We were so excited to move into our new home and make it ours. And now.... a year later....we are 10 months into grieving our son and some of hat endless amount of happiness and hope has been taken from us. Not all of it, but some of it. That excitement of the new house was stolen from us a month after we actually moved in. In some ways, I wish we could run away from this house cause of the grief we have felt here. But I also know, "where ever you go, there you are." It's not the house that has the issue. It's us. And for a month we had a great time here, and even in the last 10 months, we have had some great times. As time continues to pass, we will have more. Life changes......its just the way things are.
Speaking of changes.... I was reminded of a huge change today. I was out shopping for Omi's Cinderella dress for her voice recital. I ended up finding it at Hot Topic. That's not a huge shocker, as they have lots of stuff like that there. They also have lots of Doctor Who and Super Natural stuff. The store is a geek haven. But it hasn't always been that way! YEARS ago, when they first opened, Nick liked to shop there. At the time it was THE place for Goth shopping. Everything was black and red. Big baggy pants with chains. It was also the place for alternative/hard rock music shirts (which it still is). But when Nick was a kid, there was no way in hell you would have found a Cinderella dress there! *laugh* I used to cringe when Nick wanted to go in there; now its one of my favorite stores in the mall! Today this simple reminder was very symbolic. Life changes. Everything has a season. While Hot Topic still has a Goth section, is not the biggest part of the store. Now it is brighter and has a lighter side to the store. Nick is gone. So is the deep dark black Goth part of that store. However, Nick is not forgotten will always have a presence in this world...just like the goth section at Hot Topic. My grief as dark as the Goth mood will not always be the biggest part of my emotional state; light will (and is) moving in. There will always be a part of me that has room for grief, but the brighter side of a hopeful princess will be hanging in the show window for all to see first and foremost eventually. And just like Hot Topic, my show windows will change and revolve.
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