Yet feeling a bit weird about it.
There are certain Rites of Passages we all go through as human beings. Some of them we really look forward to..... like losing our first tooth and a visit from the tooth fairy! There are other things girls look forward to (or at least know about and expect whether we want them to or not). Like our first periods. I never looked forward to mine cause I never even knew they existed. So when I got my first one at 10 years old, I had no idea what was going on and I thought I was dieing (literally). I didn't tell my mom for a year until I was 11 and in 6th grade. It was October, right after a church harvest party. I had a friend of mine spend the night and she told me what was going on with my body and that I needed to talk to my mom to get the much needed feminine supplies. Welcome to being a woman.......
In the 36 years of monthly cycles, my amazing female body has given me 3 beautiful children. It has also been the source of some serious pain, lots of crying, serious killer mood swings, crazy vivid dreams among some other not so fun things. There have been times in my life where I cursed "that time of the month". There have been times when I felt it was so beautiful and sacred. When teaching Naomi about her cycle, I told her it was a beautiful thing that happens and allows her to give birth to babies later when she is ready (if that is what she wants).
Heck our periods are so mystical and magical that indigenous tribes created rites of passages for boys around the same age as girls who get their first cycle. These rites of passages were blood centered so that their boys would bleed and not die (just like a girl). Why? Because without medical knowledge, magic was the only thing that explained a person bleeding every month and not dieing.
I spent years educating girls on what to expect from their periods and why they have them and how to deal with them. Several years ago, when one of our friend's daughter had her first cycle, we celebrated with her and I bought her her first charm bracelet with female empowering charms. When Omi had her first one, she was prepared and we celebrated with a mom/daughter date and a special piece of jewelry.
I know that I have friends and family who have not been able to have their own babies for one reason or another. And I am very grateful for my body for what it was has given me, and I have never taken that for granted. I also know that in the last several years I have cursed my cycle.. always coming at the wrong time, the pain, the mess, the mood swings.... yadda yadda yadda. I know I have said over and over and over again, "I'm done with this uterus, why can't I just get it taken out?" Several years ago I had a doctor offer to take it out cause of some medical issues I was experiencing. But I declined. Then the next year I wanted it out but I no longer had the issues (or at least not enough) and insurance would not have covered it. Now here I am.. 46 years old... long past the baby bearing years. (Sometimes begging someone take my uterus out since I'm not using it anyway.) But being a mom has been my identity since I was 19 years old when I conceived Nick. And that uterus is what helped that to happen.
Last night as I went to bed, I talked to Tracy. We had just had a consultation with a doctor for a hysterectomy. I feel weird and have mixed feelings. I told him that I am afraid I am losing what makes me a woman. He told me that men sometimes feel that way when they have vasectomies. (I never even considered that.) I eventually went to sleep last night.
This morning, I woke up to my cycle starting. I also woke up to a phone call from the doctor's office. My hysterectomy is scheduled for October 15th. Today is the first day of my last ever cycle. Another rite of passage. Some women just go into menopause naturally and others end up with a hysterectomy. I don't know whether to celebrate this change in female status or mourn the loss of my uterus and the magical ability to have babies. This afternoon, I told Omi how I was feeling. I told her I felt like I was losing the part of me that makes me a woman. Her amazing reply was, "Your boobs make you a woman." LOL. Then I talked to Tracy, and being the amazing man that he is, he said "You make you a woman. What parts you are born with or currently have isn't everything that makes a woman." This is true, and I totally believe that about transgendered people.. now to believe that about myself.
It's a big change in my life.....another big change in a year. In one year I lose a child and I lose the ability to make another baby (not that I was using i for that reason anyway). It's an emotional thing. It's a good thing. It's still emotional.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
September 20, 2015 The Rainbow After The Storm
Grief rolls in kind of like an autumn storm system. It rains really heavy; then takes a long enough break for the sun to shine for a bit and rainbows to come out. Then it rains some more.
For the last couple of weeks, I have been in the dark rainy storm, but last week sometime, I got a break in the storm and the rainbow came out!
I am very grateful for my friends. Mishi is finally home from all of her traveling for work. And we are done with our traveling for fun. And we were finally able to hang out! She treated me to lunch a our favorite tea place here in town and we caught up on life. Man have I missed her! She was one of our very first friends here in Idaho. We have been friends for nearly 13 years now! (Never mind some "off time" in the middle.) No matter what happens we are always friends and connected at the heart.
I also had the pleasure of sharing company with my favorite bald man, Brandon. His wife was out of town and he wanted to go see a movie. I hadn't seen him in what seemed like forever. We visited and laughed before the movie. He always makes me laugh so hard. I'm so glad he and his amazing wife move here last year. Actually, at this time last year, we were moving into our new house and Brandon spent hours here with me just goofing off while I was here waiting for Omi to get out of school. Anyway, we saw Straight Out Of Compton. It was a great movie, and there is nothing funnier than watching a white bald man from Texas rapping to the music. LOL.
Then on Friday, my other friend, Tami, invited me out to lunch with her and her boys. What a treat. I love spending time with Tami. Funny, last month, marked 7 years that we first met. Crazy how time flies and how much our lives have changed and evolved since then. I am so grateful for her friendship. I learned more about grief from her than I realized. I had no idea what I observed from her and her family 7 years ago would help me in the future. Here I am now, so grateful for those lessons and for her friendship, compassion, and insights...and her snarky sense of humor that keeps me on my toes. Later that night, Tracy and I joined some other friends at the Gonzalez house for dinner and Cards Against Humanity..more laughter and silliness (just what the doctor ordered).
So that was Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Those were just friend visits. That didn't include the other happenings.
Thursday night, Omi and I worked a concession stand for the Boise High and Capital High football game. I was in charge of a register. This worried me some, but I explained the brain issue and everyone was very patient with me. Over all, I think he brain held it together well and we had a great time working with the other choir peeps in the concession stand. There was lots of laughter and silliness... and we made money for her choir account. However, all that fun came at a cost. The next day while visiting with Tami, my mouth had a very hard time forming words. The brain was not pulling up words, names or memories very well. Trying to hold an intelligent conversation with Tami was difficult. I saw in Tami and Tami's kids faces how hard it was for them to understand what I was trying to say. When I get that look, I know its bad. *sigh* But again, they are awesome.... I just wish the brain would come back.
Unfortunately, that same brain issue continued the rest of the day and that night. That night, Omi and I rehearsed our dances and I could not remember them to save my life. I was terrified that our performance on Saturday was going to be miserable! I almost cancelled.
Saturday morning came. I got up and dressed and Omi and I went to rehears our dances again. I was doing a bit better. I just prayed the brain would hold it together. We got to Hyde Park early so we could walk around. I had my purse, my dance bag and my dancing cane. I stopped in a booth to buy some hair flowers and I accidentally forgot my cane. I did not realize it until we were suppose to be meeting our troupe. I threw my stuff in Omi's arms and took off to look for my cane. But I could no remember where that booth was. Tracy realized that the brain was not working the way it needed to so he chased after me and lead me to exactly where I needed to go. Sure enough, they were holding my cane for me. Now I was frazzled. This was not a good thing 30 minutes before stage time.
Finally back stage waiting with my sisters to dance, and Omi was an emotional mess. Being at Hyde Park was a big trigger for my family. Nick LOVED Hyde Park. He was a HUGE hippy. And just before we went back stage, we ended up at the Atheist booth and they had stickers for Secular Student Alliance. Yup.... we were all affected by this. We miss Nick, and Hyde Park is one big memory of Nick. And all of that right before we went on stage. With lots of hugs and deep breaths, Omi and I collected ourselves and focused on dancing for Nick.
There is just something about dancing at festivals. It always makes me smile. We had a huge crowd watching us. We had little girls sitting at the edge of our stage smiling at us and saying hi to us while we danced. They looked at us with awe. I remember being them when I was little.. and now here I was, one of the women I always wanted to be. Naomi and I dance the intro dance with everyone. Then we were off stage for a dance. Then back on for our duet that was to a song by Bond called Fuego.. in honor of Nick. We danced it near perfectly (thank you brain). We danced 2 other dances, including our class dance (while missing a person) and we danced that nearly perfect (thank you brain). Then the very last dance (my 5th dance for the day) and I messed up a bit. I will take it as a win. My brain made it all the way through before melting down! Yay!!!
After we danced, he girls went and got hair wraps... this is something Nick loved doing. While they took turns in the chair, we all talked and remembered Nick. It was a sweet and fun moment.
It was a long and happy day at the festival. Then it was home to get cleaned up and head out for date night at Red Light Variety Show.
Tracy and I met Linda and her friends on her birthday at the Red Light Variety Show and we laughed some more! It was a great show with great company.
My life is very blessed with some amazing friends. More importantly, it is blessed with an amazing husband who is absolutely sexy, charming, funny, and so very sweet. I love him dearly!!!
Yay for rainbows!!!
For the last couple of weeks, I have been in the dark rainy storm, but last week sometime, I got a break in the storm and the rainbow came out!
I am very grateful for my friends. Mishi is finally home from all of her traveling for work. And we are done with our traveling for fun. And we were finally able to hang out! She treated me to lunch a our favorite tea place here in town and we caught up on life. Man have I missed her! She was one of our very first friends here in Idaho. We have been friends for nearly 13 years now! (Never mind some "off time" in the middle.) No matter what happens we are always friends and connected at the heart.
I also had the pleasure of sharing company with my favorite bald man, Brandon. His wife was out of town and he wanted to go see a movie. I hadn't seen him in what seemed like forever. We visited and laughed before the movie. He always makes me laugh so hard. I'm so glad he and his amazing wife move here last year. Actually, at this time last year, we were moving into our new house and Brandon spent hours here with me just goofing off while I was here waiting for Omi to get out of school. Anyway, we saw Straight Out Of Compton. It was a great movie, and there is nothing funnier than watching a white bald man from Texas rapping to the music. LOL.
Then on Friday, my other friend, Tami, invited me out to lunch with her and her boys. What a treat. I love spending time with Tami. Funny, last month, marked 7 years that we first met. Crazy how time flies and how much our lives have changed and evolved since then. I am so grateful for her friendship. I learned more about grief from her than I realized. I had no idea what I observed from her and her family 7 years ago would help me in the future. Here I am now, so grateful for those lessons and for her friendship, compassion, and insights...and her snarky sense of humor that keeps me on my toes. Later that night, Tracy and I joined some other friends at the Gonzalez house for dinner and Cards Against Humanity..more laughter and silliness (just what the doctor ordered).
So that was Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Those were just friend visits. That didn't include the other happenings.
Thursday night, Omi and I worked a concession stand for the Boise High and Capital High football game. I was in charge of a register. This worried me some, but I explained the brain issue and everyone was very patient with me. Over all, I think he brain held it together well and we had a great time working with the other choir peeps in the concession stand. There was lots of laughter and silliness... and we made money for her choir account. However, all that fun came at a cost. The next day while visiting with Tami, my mouth had a very hard time forming words. The brain was not pulling up words, names or memories very well. Trying to hold an intelligent conversation with Tami was difficult. I saw in Tami and Tami's kids faces how hard it was for them to understand what I was trying to say. When I get that look, I know its bad. *sigh* But again, they are awesome.... I just wish the brain would come back.
Unfortunately, that same brain issue continued the rest of the day and that night. That night, Omi and I rehearsed our dances and I could not remember them to save my life. I was terrified that our performance on Saturday was going to be miserable! I almost cancelled.
Saturday morning came. I got up and dressed and Omi and I went to rehears our dances again. I was doing a bit better. I just prayed the brain would hold it together. We got to Hyde Park early so we could walk around. I had my purse, my dance bag and my dancing cane. I stopped in a booth to buy some hair flowers and I accidentally forgot my cane. I did not realize it until we were suppose to be meeting our troupe. I threw my stuff in Omi's arms and took off to look for my cane. But I could no remember where that booth was. Tracy realized that the brain was not working the way it needed to so he chased after me and lead me to exactly where I needed to go. Sure enough, they were holding my cane for me. Now I was frazzled. This was not a good thing 30 minutes before stage time.
Finally back stage waiting with my sisters to dance, and Omi was an emotional mess. Being at Hyde Park was a big trigger for my family. Nick LOVED Hyde Park. He was a HUGE hippy. And just before we went back stage, we ended up at the Atheist booth and they had stickers for Secular Student Alliance. Yup.... we were all affected by this. We miss Nick, and Hyde Park is one big memory of Nick. And all of that right before we went on stage. With lots of hugs and deep breaths, Omi and I collected ourselves and focused on dancing for Nick.
There is just something about dancing at festivals. It always makes me smile. We had a huge crowd watching us. We had little girls sitting at the edge of our stage smiling at us and saying hi to us while we danced. They looked at us with awe. I remember being them when I was little.. and now here I was, one of the women I always wanted to be. Naomi and I dance the intro dance with everyone. Then we were off stage for a dance. Then back on for our duet that was to a song by Bond called Fuego.. in honor of Nick. We danced it near perfectly (thank you brain). We danced 2 other dances, including our class dance (while missing a person) and we danced that nearly perfect (thank you brain). Then the very last dance (my 5th dance for the day) and I messed up a bit. I will take it as a win. My brain made it all the way through before melting down! Yay!!!
After we danced, he girls went and got hair wraps... this is something Nick loved doing. While they took turns in the chair, we all talked and remembered Nick. It was a sweet and fun moment.
It was a long and happy day at the festival. Then it was home to get cleaned up and head out for date night at Red Light Variety Show.
Tracy and I met Linda and her friends on her birthday at the Red Light Variety Show and we laughed some more! It was a great show with great company.
My life is very blessed with some amazing friends. More importantly, it is blessed with an amazing husband who is absolutely sexy, charming, funny, and so very sweet. I love him dearly!!!
Yay for rainbows!!!
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
September 16, 2015 From Goth to Princess Dresses.. My How Times Have Changed!
No..this is not about Naomi. This blog is about Nick and I guess accepting change, one piece at a time.
The last couple of weeks have been very difficult on me. I know its PMS time, and things get weird around that time anyway, but this month, I think it was a bit more than that. I have had entirely too much on my mind in the last couple of weeks. Some of the stuff I still can't talk about publicly as things are not resolved and we don't have answers. But I can at least say that I have let go of the fear I had floating around about it and I expect a positive outcome. We have also had a round of walking pneumonia and bronchitis going around this house with 2 different family members. They are both finally starting to feel better and human again, but gah! Then add to that, my own personal female issues. I went for a consultation on a simple procedure (purely to take care of my monthly cycle electively) only to find out that thanks to my uncooperative cervix and uterus, the elective procedure (which insurance would have covered cause my body hates me) could have killed me and they have referred me for a hysterectomy. *laugh* See, I have been dealing with entirely too much on my plate all at once, and all of this was happening around the 10th of the month which is an "iffy" date for people in this house. It's no wonder I have been an emotional mess. Things are calming down a bit. I have a consultation for a hysterectomy next week. The sickos in the house are feeling better. And life as we know it is moving along. So this is a good thing and a blessing.
The other thought process I have had in the last week is a bit ironic (or at least I think it is.....I know people use that term incorrectly all of the time). When I was going in to have a c-section to deliver Omi, I was certain I (or Omi) would no survive the birth. I have no idea why. I was just crazy pregnancy hormones talking. I knew Omi would be my last child. 3 c-sections is my limit (should be any one's limit).. too risky after that. But anyway, even though I knew I didn't want to have a 4th baby, I was terrified that if she died an I got my tubes tied during that labor I would hate myself. I thought for certain I would want to have another baby (if she didn't make it). Now... here I am, within the 1st year of losing Nick and I am looking at have my baby making parts removed. I have lost a child, and I am looking at permanent sterilization. This hits me in a very weird emotional place. I know I don't want another baby of my own. I'm 46 years old... that is NEVER a good age to pop out a baby. Not to mention another child would NOT take place of the one that I lost. But still.. there is that feeling.....
Anyway, this week, all of the "feels" hit home when I opened up my facebook and saw a picture of Nick's high school best friend, college room mate, and best man at his wedding. It was a picture of Colton riding sitting on top of one of his friends shoulders. They had backpacks on and were in the mountains and they had HUGE smiles on their faces. There Colton was sooooo full of life and happy and on an adventure, and my son is dead. What Nick wouldn't give to be the other man in that picture with Colon. Nick LOVED the mountains! He loved hiking. He loved backpacking. He loved rock climbing. He loved Colton. Nick should be alive and posting pictures like that. I should be opening up my facebook and seeing Nick filled with life and mischief in his eyes. Then I kept scrolling and I came across a post a friend of mine posted about missing her son who is away at college and how she cant' wait to hug him again. And I was so jealous and angry.
All of this, and I realized just how much I miss my friends. This week, I have felt so lonely. Really lonely. Friendships have shifted and changed. Hell my life has been turned inside out and upside down. I find myself hiding and no wanting to go out at all. But there is one local friend who has not let me hide. She has not let me become a hermit. She has been here the whole way through this grief process. And for the last couple of weeks, she has been traveling for work and we have no been able to see each other and I miss her terribly. She knows when I'm a wreck, and she shows up at my door regardless of how I am feeling.. just to make sure I am okay. She messages me daily to say hi and good morning and check in... even while she is traveling. She has been my rock. And I have really missed her. I have other friends who don't live near me who check on me on facebook and I love them for that. But this week, has been very hard for me. I feel like I have lost so many of my friends. I realize friendship is a two way street, and I should be contacting my friends, but that is a huge part of me that just wants to hide and makes it very difficult for me to reach out. I just does.
Anyway......Whatever. I didn't mean to start whining. I feel like all I have written about lately has been sad stuff, and none of the great stuff in my life... or fun memories. I apologize to my readers. There are plenty of things in life to be grateful for... and to be happy about. I have made 3 amazing trips in the last couple of months. I have gotten to visit with friends and experience Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge which was so much better than I expected. I got to share in the joy of watching my friends daughter cheer for her very first football game. I got to have a fun filled day of laughter with friends while wine tasting. Omi is doing really well in school this year (by that, I mean, emotionally well). I've gotten to cheer on my mom and her best friend as they performed in a talent show at their senior living apartment complex. I got to take my mom and her best friend to an opera/burlesque show and laugh with them. So see.. life isn't all about crying and grief. And I have much to be grateful for. Like last night, my son Nate gave me a huge hug and thanked me for a yummy dinner. It's the little things in life that make a difference.
I am a very date oriented person, in case you have not realized that yet. And last year at this time, we were waiting on the keys to our new house. At that moment in time, our life seemed to be filled with endless amount of happiness and hope (if not a bit stressful). We were so excited to move into our new home and make it ours. And now.... a year later....we are 10 months into grieving our son and some of hat endless amount of happiness and hope has been taken from us. Not all of it, but some of it. That excitement of the new house was stolen from us a month after we actually moved in. In some ways, I wish we could run away from this house cause of the grief we have felt here. But I also know, "where ever you go, there you are." It's not the house that has the issue. It's us. And for a month we had a great time here, and even in the last 10 months, we have had some great times. As time continues to pass, we will have more. Life changes......its just the way things are.
Speaking of changes.... I was reminded of a huge change today. I was out shopping for Omi's Cinderella dress for her voice recital. I ended up finding it at Hot Topic. That's not a huge shocker, as they have lots of stuff like that there. They also have lots of Doctor Who and Super Natural stuff. The store is a geek haven. But it hasn't always been that way! YEARS ago, when they first opened, Nick liked to shop there. At the time it was THE place for Goth shopping. Everything was black and red. Big baggy pants with chains. It was also the place for alternative/hard rock music shirts (which it still is). But when Nick was a kid, there was no way in hell you would have found a Cinderella dress there! *laugh* I used to cringe when Nick wanted to go in there; now its one of my favorite stores in the mall! Today this simple reminder was very symbolic. Life changes. Everything has a season. While Hot Topic still has a Goth section, is not the biggest part of the store. Now it is brighter and has a lighter side to the store. Nick is gone. So is the deep dark black Goth part of that store. However, Nick is not forgotten will always have a presence in this world...just like the goth section at Hot Topic. My grief as dark as the Goth mood will not always be the biggest part of my emotional state; light will (and is) moving in. There will always be a part of me that has room for grief, but the brighter side of a hopeful princess will be hanging in the show window for all to see first and foremost eventually. And just like Hot Topic, my show windows will change and revolve.
The last couple of weeks have been very difficult on me. I know its PMS time, and things get weird around that time anyway, but this month, I think it was a bit more than that. I have had entirely too much on my mind in the last couple of weeks. Some of the stuff I still can't talk about publicly as things are not resolved and we don't have answers. But I can at least say that I have let go of the fear I had floating around about it and I expect a positive outcome. We have also had a round of walking pneumonia and bronchitis going around this house with 2 different family members. They are both finally starting to feel better and human again, but gah! Then add to that, my own personal female issues. I went for a consultation on a simple procedure (purely to take care of my monthly cycle electively) only to find out that thanks to my uncooperative cervix and uterus, the elective procedure (which insurance would have covered cause my body hates me) could have killed me and they have referred me for a hysterectomy. *laugh* See, I have been dealing with entirely too much on my plate all at once, and all of this was happening around the 10th of the month which is an "iffy" date for people in this house. It's no wonder I have been an emotional mess. Things are calming down a bit. I have a consultation for a hysterectomy next week. The sickos in the house are feeling better. And life as we know it is moving along. So this is a good thing and a blessing.
The other thought process I have had in the last week is a bit ironic (or at least I think it is.....I know people use that term incorrectly all of the time). When I was going in to have a c-section to deliver Omi, I was certain I (or Omi) would no survive the birth. I have no idea why. I was just crazy pregnancy hormones talking. I knew Omi would be my last child. 3 c-sections is my limit (should be any one's limit).. too risky after that. But anyway, even though I knew I didn't want to have a 4th baby, I was terrified that if she died an I got my tubes tied during that labor I would hate myself. I thought for certain I would want to have another baby (if she didn't make it). Now... here I am, within the 1st year of losing Nick and I am looking at have my baby making parts removed. I have lost a child, and I am looking at permanent sterilization. This hits me in a very weird emotional place. I know I don't want another baby of my own. I'm 46 years old... that is NEVER a good age to pop out a baby. Not to mention another child would NOT take place of the one that I lost. But still.. there is that feeling.....
Anyway, this week, all of the "feels" hit home when I opened up my facebook and saw a picture of Nick's high school best friend, college room mate, and best man at his wedding. It was a picture of Colton riding sitting on top of one of his friends shoulders. They had backpacks on and were in the mountains and they had HUGE smiles on their faces. There Colton was sooooo full of life and happy and on an adventure, and my son is dead. What Nick wouldn't give to be the other man in that picture with Colon. Nick LOVED the mountains! He loved hiking. He loved backpacking. He loved rock climbing. He loved Colton. Nick should be alive and posting pictures like that. I should be opening up my facebook and seeing Nick filled with life and mischief in his eyes. Then I kept scrolling and I came across a post a friend of mine posted about missing her son who is away at college and how she cant' wait to hug him again. And I was so jealous and angry.
All of this, and I realized just how much I miss my friends. This week, I have felt so lonely. Really lonely. Friendships have shifted and changed. Hell my life has been turned inside out and upside down. I find myself hiding and no wanting to go out at all. But there is one local friend who has not let me hide. She has not let me become a hermit. She has been here the whole way through this grief process. And for the last couple of weeks, she has been traveling for work and we have no been able to see each other and I miss her terribly. She knows when I'm a wreck, and she shows up at my door regardless of how I am feeling.. just to make sure I am okay. She messages me daily to say hi and good morning and check in... even while she is traveling. She has been my rock. And I have really missed her. I have other friends who don't live near me who check on me on facebook and I love them for that. But this week, has been very hard for me. I feel like I have lost so many of my friends. I realize friendship is a two way street, and I should be contacting my friends, but that is a huge part of me that just wants to hide and makes it very difficult for me to reach out. I just does.
Anyway......Whatever. I didn't mean to start whining. I feel like all I have written about lately has been sad stuff, and none of the great stuff in my life... or fun memories. I apologize to my readers. There are plenty of things in life to be grateful for... and to be happy about. I have made 3 amazing trips in the last couple of months. I have gotten to visit with friends and experience Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge which was so much better than I expected. I got to share in the joy of watching my friends daughter cheer for her very first football game. I got to have a fun filled day of laughter with friends while wine tasting. Omi is doing really well in school this year (by that, I mean, emotionally well). I've gotten to cheer on my mom and her best friend as they performed in a talent show at their senior living apartment complex. I got to take my mom and her best friend to an opera/burlesque show and laugh with them. So see.. life isn't all about crying and grief. And I have much to be grateful for. Like last night, my son Nate gave me a huge hug and thanked me for a yummy dinner. It's the little things in life that make a difference.
I am a very date oriented person, in case you have not realized that yet. And last year at this time, we were waiting on the keys to our new house. At that moment in time, our life seemed to be filled with endless amount of happiness and hope (if not a bit stressful). We were so excited to move into our new home and make it ours. And now.... a year later....we are 10 months into grieving our son and some of hat endless amount of happiness and hope has been taken from us. Not all of it, but some of it. That excitement of the new house was stolen from us a month after we actually moved in. In some ways, I wish we could run away from this house cause of the grief we have felt here. But I also know, "where ever you go, there you are." It's not the house that has the issue. It's us. And for a month we had a great time here, and even in the last 10 months, we have had some great times. As time continues to pass, we will have more. Life changes......its just the way things are.
Speaking of changes.... I was reminded of a huge change today. I was out shopping for Omi's Cinderella dress for her voice recital. I ended up finding it at Hot Topic. That's not a huge shocker, as they have lots of stuff like that there. They also have lots of Doctor Who and Super Natural stuff. The store is a geek haven. But it hasn't always been that way! YEARS ago, when they first opened, Nick liked to shop there. At the time it was THE place for Goth shopping. Everything was black and red. Big baggy pants with chains. It was also the place for alternative/hard rock music shirts (which it still is). But when Nick was a kid, there was no way in hell you would have found a Cinderella dress there! *laugh* I used to cringe when Nick wanted to go in there; now its one of my favorite stores in the mall! Today this simple reminder was very symbolic. Life changes. Everything has a season. While Hot Topic still has a Goth section, is not the biggest part of the store. Now it is brighter and has a lighter side to the store. Nick is gone. So is the deep dark black Goth part of that store. However, Nick is not forgotten will always have a presence in this world...just like the goth section at Hot Topic. My grief as dark as the Goth mood will not always be the biggest part of my emotional state; light will (and is) moving in. There will always be a part of me that has room for grief, but the brighter side of a hopeful princess will be hanging in the show window for all to see first and foremost eventually. And just like Hot Topic, my show windows will change and revolve.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
September 10, 2015 Ten Months
A good friend of mine posted these quotes on his facebook wall yesterday:
The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.
~ Haruki Murakami
~ Haruki Murakami
He and I had no talked in a week or so.. not really. So he had no way of knowing that I had been thinking about these things.. not these exact quotes, but the spirit behind them. Actually many different ideas have been on my mind lately. My mind has kind of been all over the place lately.
When I was a little girl, I used to LOVE to stare at myself in the mirror. I don't know why. But for whatever reason the image looking back at me has always fascinated me. I am not sure if my mother ever got on to me for that; seems like she might have. Even from a very young age, my looks played a huge part in the way I felt about myself. At first it was the horrible orange hair and crazy amounts of freckles that bothered me. Then it was the weight. Then it was the acne (which I still have issues with *laugh* but could care less about now). Then it was the size of my breasts (too big.....always). As I got older, I guess what I saw in the mirror didn't really bother me as much. I found things I liked. I loved my hair. At one point it was very long and naturally went from dark auburn at the roots, to a lighter/brighter shade of red to blond at the tips. Today, people pay good money for a dye job like that; mine came decades earlier and naturally. It looked like fire to me. I finally came to terms with my breasts; I guess that is what happens when you become an adult. My freckles pretty much faded (at least on my face). I still have them, but they are not as prominent. I am heavier than I was as a kid, and sometime my weight is an issue and other times it's not. My eye color is amazing and often times my eyes are different colors (one blue and one green). My hair is no longer the color of fire or even a penny. And the wrinkles that have start to show on my face really haven't bothered me much. But in the last 10 months, I have looked in the mirror and I have seen some rather big changes in my appearance. The light in my eyes seems to be a bit duller every now and then. My smile is not always the brightest anymore. My eyes look tired. The wrinkles I had before are deeper set, and much to my dismay, I have new ones setting in. When my hair is not dyed, and the roots grow out, I have so much more silver, glittery hair than I did 10 months ago. In 10 months, I have seen a huge change in the reflection of that mirror. Yet, there are times when I feel absolutely gorgeous.
As a matter of fact, last week, after doing my hair, and putting on make up and heading out for a night with my mom, I stopped at a convenience store. And the young man/clerk who was working there said "hello" to me 2 different times/places in the store. And the poor boy actually stumbled and faltered over his words. Something about *me* made him flustered. That has never happened to me before. It was a good feeling, but a bit odd too... especially considering that I FEEL so much older than I did 10 months ago.
Of course, everything I just typed was all about looks..and the way I have seen the reflection in the mirror change. But inside of me.. in places where mirrors don't get to, there has been an even bigger change. This "storm" that has hit is not over yet. I don't know if it ever will be. I feel like a canyon or a rock that has water flowing through it or around it or over it all of the time. And this water is constantly changing and transforming who I am and who I am becoming. It's a never ending process.
When Nick was killed, it was like I was this dried up desert just happy being me. I was happy with my blooming cacti and the occasional creepy crawly critters that made me jump and remember what scares me an helps me grow little bits at a time. Then on November 10th, a damn was broken and all of a sudden I have this river rushing through me. The sameness that is the desert life all of a sudden changed. The river keeps flowing and with it, little bits and pieces of the old me have gotten washed away. What was once a vast dry dessert, now has a deep canyon running through it. And in that canyon, are gorgeous walls of rock that were waiting just under the sands surface. New trees that require water have grown and are getting stronger. New animal life has moved in. There is new life in my desert. Sometimes, I can get up above this raging river canyon and visit my dry beautiful desert and I can look down at the stormy river and see its rage as a beautiful blessing. I can see the changes as beautiful. And the desert now seems quiet and a little less lively. It's still pretty, but it feels a bit uncomfortable...like its not really me anymore. It's a good place to visit, but I don't feel at home there. I have transformed. This damn breaking has changed me and when I have a chance to step back and look at what I have transformed into, I see it as beautiful, deep, alive, dynamic, fruitful, adventurous, and magnificent.
In the last couple of weeks, I have noticed something new about myself. I have always been compassionate and empathic. And I have always wanted to be the person to "fix" things for people. Co-dependency at is finest. But since Nick's death, I have realized that I have lost that desire. You have seen those memes on Facebook. "Not my circus, not my monkeys" (or is it the other way around?) That has never been more true for me than it is today. While I have compassion for my friends, and I can still *feel* them when they are hurting, I do not feel the need to fix them. It's not my job. My plate is full enough with a house filled with mourning people. I have several friends who are mourning losses of loved ones. I KNOW I can't fix that. But what I CAN do is be there to listen... to hike.. to ride bikes...to be there for them..just BE. That is all I can do. That is all they need. It's good to learn these things. It has taught me that my other friends who are experiencing other challenges also do not need me to fix them. It's not my job. It's their job to learn their own lessons and to not be rescued. Rescuing them only harms them in the long run. They have to rescue themselves, and I am okay with that now. I have detached from my need to rescue and fix.
I have also realized that there is indeed a kind of "secret club" for those who mourn. I had no idea how many people in my life have lost children... that is until I lose one of mine. And all of a sudden, I have more than I can count messaging me telling me they are Angel Mamas and we must stick together. And I have other friends who have lost other family members who are hurting. And just as I have felt like some of my friends have abandoned me because of my grief, my mourning friends are feeling the same way.... so yes...a kind of "club" is formed. It's not so cool. It's not a club anyone wants to be brought into or seeks to join. It just happens. But if Nick had not died, I would not be able to be there for friends who are now going through what they are going through; I could be there for them, but I would not have the understanding and compassion that I have now. Grateful is not the right word for how I am feeling about being in this club.....cause I will never be grateful for losing my son. However, I am grateful that I am able to step outside of my own grief in order to help others with theirs.
I am also grateful for the opportunity to be able to look at my life from a different perspective. I am also able to look at others reactions to my life from a different perspective. Everyone understands, deals with, and reacts with their own personal perceptions of how they think my life is. That is their stuff, not mine. Nor is it mine to be upset about. Giving them that grace is the best gift I can give them, and myself. Who knows.. they may be up in that desert with the blooming cacti where the sun always shines and be looking down into my canyon and see the pretty walls that were crated by the flood. The raging water may scare them, but they may see the beauty it has caused and they may long for that kind of beauty and understanding.. not the raging water that caused it. And that separation caused by that raging river may be hurting them as well. What I have learned through this.... we all need to take a step toward each other. Those of us in the canyon, need to come up into the desert and feel the sun on our skin and smell the cactus blooms. Those of you in the desert, need to take a few steps into the canyon and meet us closer to that raging river; I know its scary and hard to predict or understand, but sometimes us canyon dwellers just don't have the strength to climb out of the canyon to visit you on dry land.
Hugs
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)