September 19, 2016 #LegalizeIdahoArt

Six years ago, I started watching burlesque at the Visual Arts Collective.  The show I went to watch was called The Red Light Variety Show.  I was amazed at the performances I saw there.  The show included traditional ballet, pole dancing, hula hoops, comedy, strip tease, and so much more.  I thought to myself, "Wow!  Those women are so brave and beautiful!  I wish I had that kind of confidence!  One day, I want to be on that stage!"

In 2011, I started taking better care of my body.  I started losing weight.  I remember saying on Facebook that one day I was going to be part of the Red Light Variety Show.  But I thought, "First I have to get to my perfect body weight and be fitter.  No one wants to see my fat body on stage."   I started belly dancing that year.  I also started taking dance classes at Ophidia Dance Studio, where I knew the owners there were also part of The Red Light Variety Show.  I would get to the studio early and watched the tail end of Kelly Green's Chair Dance and Burlesque class.  She was one of my favorite performers for the Red Light. I was in awe.  But I was still too self-conscious even to take her class.   My body  never got perfect, and I never joined the Red Light Variety Show.  Instead, it took me another 3 years to take a workshop with Frankly Frankie (one of the founders of The Red Light Variety Show and the founder of Frankly Burlesque).  

I stood in a room with about 4 other women.  We were all nervous about what we might learn.    In that few hours with Frankie, we performed acting and movement exercises that helped us become comfortable not with just ourselves but with the other participants in the room.   We learned a choreographed dance.  We also learned how to twirl tassels.  Learning to twirl tassels meant (for many of us) getting completely topless and taping on pasties over our areolas.  Getting to this state of  undress in front of women you just met is a bit unnerving.  At the same time, it is completely freeing and empowering.  We laughed and giggled as we learned to twirl our tassels.  Each one of us learned to love our bodies just the way they were in that moment.  There was no judgment.  It was pure acceptance.  That night we agreed that we wanted to perform on stage at the next Frankly Burlesque and we made a second date to finish up costuming and choreography.  However, when that date came, Frankie informed me that it was just me willing to go on stage, and asked if I would be comfortable performing a solo.  My answer was a resounding, "Yes!"

For another week or so, I continued working on  my costume.  I spent hours looking through costume ideas on the computer.  I spent hours in craft stores and at my kitchen counter putting together the perfect costume.  Then I was informed that Idaho State Law says we have to keep our "underboob" covered at all times.    This threw a kink into things.  The art..the dance I had learned.. required tassel spinning.  This requires the flesh of my breasts to move in such a way to give movement to the tassels.  How was I going to do that with a full bra on?  I am not the size of a woman that can buy a quarter cup bra and make it look cute.  I am a full figured woman with breasts to match.  I finally found a bra that I had 2 layers to it. One layer was a mesh layer. I was able to cut away the opaque thicker layer and leave the mesh sheer layer in tact.  This, of course, cost more money.  But I was able to do it.

Finally, performance night arrived.  I slipped into my black fishnet stocking, my black sequined panties and my black sheer bra.  I taped on my pasties over the black bra.  Then I slipped on my beautiful feather and crystal bra that I created.  I wrapped my white feather boa around me slipped into my heels and took place on the stage.  On the other side of the curtain, I could hear Frankie introduce me.  The curtain opened, the music started and I performed my dance.  At the end of the dance, I slipped off that feathered bra and stood on the stage in my panties, black bra, and white pasties and spun my tassels to the roar of the crowed.  It was the most empowering thing I have ever done!

My body is not perfect.   Currently, I am a 47 year old mom  and grandma with the body to show for it.  I have stretch marks and c-section scars on my belly.  My breasts have never been perky.  I have cellulite on my legs.  I have gray hair on my head.  And I love burlesque!  I love hearing a song and being inspired to create some silly performance to it.  I love the creation of the costume and the creativity it takes to choreograph a performance.  This is art.  Every bit of it is art.  From the choreography to the costume to the performance itself.  Once it all comes together and I am on stage, there is a conversation with the audience.  There is an authenticity that you can't get in any other performance form.  When I am on stage, and peeling off my clothes, there is intention behind every movement.  There is a story being told.  And when I have to create an act around the laws that were created so long ago, the creative process is censored and hindered.  The conversation I want to have with the audience loses it's authenticity.   As a performer and an artist I become stifled.  

Burlesque is not just stripping for stripping's sake.  It is a powerful medium that can be political, funny, sad, absurd, and yes, sometimes even a bit raunchy.  But this art form is performed in bars where the patrons are at the minimum 18 and up.  Most of the time, it is performed in bars where the patrons need to be 21 and older.  The patrons know what they are coming to see.  They understand there will be stripping and suggestive dancing and material.  They are consenting adults.   The laws, as they stand, say that a woman can not show her underboob in a place that has a liquor license.  Yet, it is perfectly acceptable for a man to get completely topless in the same bar with the same liquor license.  Why?  The law also states that where there is a liquor license involved and liquor being sold, no simulated sex acts may take place.  If that is the case, then most dance bars in Boise need to have their licenses revoked.   These laws are not just out-dated from ages gone by, but they are also sexist.  Not only are they sexist and out dated, but they violate my first amendment to freedom of speech.  The constitution protect my right to create art in the way I see fit.  Burlesque is art.  It is an important medium that allows both men and women to create art that reflects their views on politics, society, religion, relationships, and every emotion felt as a human being!  

Please take a look at the link below and share this blog post.  Let's let the world know how out-dated the Idaho Laws are and support those who are fighting for free speech and free art!  #LegalizeIdahoArt  #UncoverIdahoArt

https://acluidaho.org/art-gallery-theater-and-acclaimed-artist-file-lawsuit-challenging-restrictions-on-live-performance/

September 13, 2016 Words From A Bumbling Athlete

The saga of the painful left knee continues, and today's episode is filled with a sobering reality as well as pride and hope.

I have had three knee surgeries on my left knee.  The first one was in 2000 after a skiing accident dislocated it.  The surgeon did a scope to clean out some cartilage damage, but nothing major was wrong with it.  It healed up quickly and life was good.    In 2008, I had the brilliant idea to go roller skating for the first time in something like 9 years.  I was doing great until a kid cut me off, took me out, and I landed HARD directly on my patella.  Then a few weeks later, I started roller derby.  The pain in my knee became unbearable.  I did some physical therapy, but it never really got better.  I ended up quitting roller derby because the pain was too much and I didn't want to destroy my knee.  In 2011, I decided I would lose weight and pick up running.  I ran and ran and ran until finally it hurt my knee too badly to run.  With another round of physical therapy under my belt, we decided to have a second knee surgery.  This time the surgeon did a lateral tendon release and cleaned up some scar tissue again.  I recovered and went back to running. I was able to complete my first ultra marathon and start training for another one before my back became injured and required a  second back surgery (first one was in 2006).  After my fifth concussion  (due to a cycling accident) in 2013 and my second back surgery in 2014, I said goodbye to running.  However, on New Year's Eve of 2015, my knee decided to act up again.  I wasn't doing anything.  Quite literally, I was doing NOTHING.  I was in a car on a road trip to Seattle for the holiday.  I got out of the car, and my knee was in excruciating pain.  After months of pain,  another round of physical therapy, steroid shots and joint juice shots, we went back into surgery.  More scoping of scar tissue, cleaning out arthritis, and repairing a meniscus.  But that still didn't take care of the pain.  So here we are, 4 months after my last knee surgery, my fourth knee surgery is scheduled for October 17th.  It will be a "knee replacement" or as my doctor calls is a "knee resurfacing".  I have been totally excited about this surgery and the thought of not being in pain anymore.  Then I went to my pre-surgery physical therapy appointment.  And that excitement kind of changed.   I am now feeling a kind of "respect" for what is to come.

Before I go into the change from excitement to respect, let me tell you about my PT appointment.

I had an appointment with a new physical therapist.  As you can imagine, with 3 knee surgeries, a TBI, and 2 back surgeries, I have had my share of physical therapists.  Today's PT was amazing.  I really liked the guy!  I explained to him that I have been going back to the gym and working with a personal trainer.  He asked me what I have been doing with the trainer, and he was not very thrilled.  Doug, my PT told me that some of the exercises I have been doing, while good for a healthy knee, are NOT good for my knee in my current situation.  It won't make my knee worse, but it will make my recovery much more difficult.  He gave me some new exercises to do.  He made adjustments to the ones my trainer has given me and I am totally excited to do these in the gym.  They don't hurt to do them and I can feel my muscles getting stronger.  As I worked with him, I could see him finding humor in my situation.  Maybe it wasn't him finding humor; maybe it was me.

Let's face it.  I'm 47 years old.  I have had 2 back surgeries, 3 knee surgeries and 5 concussions that have resulted in major TBI  issues.  I have gone from couch potato and seasonal skier and or snowboarder with the occasional softball team or volleyball team  and a short stint in roller derby to an ultra marathon runner, endurance cyclist, and dancer.  And now I am looking at a knee replacement.  I was in a PT office that, for the most part, was filled with elderly patients.  I felt as though I was the youngest person in the world to have a knee replacement.  While I know that is not true, that is what it felt like.  And quite honestly, I find it a bit humorous.  When I talked to Doug about my adventures in sports, I saw the light in his eyes.  I saw the amazement.  I don't look like your typical athlete.  Nor do I look like your typical dancer.  But, none the less, I am these things and my body has paid the price.  Doug just looked at me and said, you are strong, and I have no doubt you will recover quickly.  That alone made me feel so  much better!

I really do feel like a "bumbling athlete"....rolled ankles, TBI, knee surgeries, back surgeries.....seriously.  But it's all good.  Why?  Cause I am an athlete.  I am a dancer.  I live my life to the fullest, and it sure beats sitting on the couch and watching life pass me by!

Oh ya.. back to the change in feelings about my surgery.  I was excited to finally have this surgery and stop being in pain.  I was excited about being able to get back to the things I love.  Then I met with Doug AND I spoke to the hospital where I will be having my surgery.  First Doug tells me that I will have a full leg brace when I come out of surgery and I will be using a cane or a walker.  He said that I will need to learn how to roll out of bed (but I already know how to do that thanks to all of my other surgeries).  He told me how I will have to sleep to avoid extraordinary pain.  It was sobering.  Then I came home and spoke to the hospital.  Apparently I have to go to a class about my knee replacement where I will learn how to move correctly in order to not injure myself after surgery and to recover faster.  I have to go to a class?    It all began to sink in.  The excitement I had been feeling started to dissipate and in its place respect or reverence for what this surgery really is.  It is going to hurt like hell.  Recovering, while I am strong and hungry for a healthy knee, is going to hurt like hell.  In ALL of my surgeries (3 c-sections, 3 knees, 2 back, 1 hysterectomy, and even in my TBI) I have been hell bent on the quickest recoveries.  I have been hell bent on "return to sport" as quickly as possible.  I have been hell bent on getting up and being back to normal as quickly as possible.  But this surgery is the biggest surgery I have ever had.  The scar will be bigger than any I have.  The pain will likely be more than I have ever experienced.  And it is vital that I start exercising my knee as soon as I wake up and move to my own room that I start moving my leg and start my physical therapy exercises.  The results of not doing these things is very sobering.   My PT is positive that I have what it takes to recovery quickly and completely.  He says I am strong and ready.  He insisted that I work hard (and smart) for the next 4 weeks to make sure I am strong so I can recover quickly.  So there is hope.

I am optimistically sober and I am totally ready to have this surgery!

September 12, 2016 Just Some Random Thoughts

Hi, y'all!  I'm  not sure any of this is going to make sense.  So read at your own boredom or risk.  I have had alot of things floating around in my head lately.  Some of them make sense while others do not.  And I just need to get them out of my head to maybe shed some light on a few things (for myself...)

It's been a lonely couple of weeks.  My bestie was out of town at Burning Man..my other bestie up and moved to Texas but we have chatted quite a bit, and I am so very grateful for him.  But things have been weird in "friendville" lately.  It's been lonely.  Oh wait, I already said that.  I have friends.  I have a big circle of people.  But the issue is, most of them work or they have younger kids at home or they are traveling.  I find myself at home with lots of thoughts to myself.  That is not necessarily a good thing.  For that matter, Facebook is not really a good thing either. Other friends I have on Facebook are sharing things on facebook that I find kind of shocking... well more shocking that they think that way. It's a weird revelation.  There is a reason we are told never to discuss politics, religion and sports in public.  LOL  I find myself feeling unsafe sharing my thoughts on facebook... or even my blog.  So I just keep it to myself or let it all out when Tracy gets home, and his response is.. "Get off of facebook!"

Since my last post on here, I had a really ugly break down.  I mean REALLY UGLY!  I don't think words can do it justice.  I ended up walking out of my house and "disappearing" for I don't know how long.  I really only walked to the park at the school in my neighborhood, but I left without my phone and didn't tell anyone where I went.  I sat on a bench by one of the baseball diamonds and just cried.  I cried for hours.  One man and his son asked if I was okay.  I found a way to muster a smile and assure him I was okay.  But I was far from it.  For those of you who don't know, I have PTSD and have had dissociative identity disorder (DID).   The DID has not been an issue in a very long time (at least while in a sober state).  But that night on the bench, I checked out.  It's not full on "differnet personality", it is more like I am trapped inside of my brain, and my brain and body refuse to function the way I tell it too.  It shuts down.  I can not talk and I have to either fight my way back to reality and in control of my actions or I have to sleep it off.  Well, while I was crying on this bench as the sun set and it got dark and cold, I checked out.  At some point, Nate came by and found me.  He sat next to me and I was scared of him and scrambled and turned away from him.  (He was so young when I had personality changes; he does not ever remember me with these issues so this was new to him.) Poor kid.  He thought I was mad at him  (for something he had done earlier before I freaked out).  I felt so bad for him.  When he left, I just kinda laid down in a fetal position on the bench.  Later he came back with a blanket and put it on  me.  I still could not talk or blink. Snot was rolling down my face and I was unable to clean it up.  I had completely checked out.  Eventually, Tracy found me.  At first he was pretty mad at me then he realized I was checked out.  He somehow got me off of the bench and got me walking home, but he had to pretty much hold me up.  It was ugly.   I was finally in my bed, completely clothed.  I was fighting to come back to reality. I needed to tell my son that I was not mad at him that this was not his fault.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't talk.  I fought hard, and finally won enough control to jump out of bed and run into Nate's room.  The look on his face was horrifying.  He saw my eyes.  He knew something was wrong.  He knew it wasn't me.  He had no idea what was going on.  I just wrapped my arms around his neck and held on for dear life as I cried.  I needed him to know that I loved him.   I some how climbed the stairs to give Omi a hug but she was in the shower.  I just went back to bed... and slept it off.

The next day, I was back to "normal".  I was able to explain (as best I could) to Nate what had happened and that it was not his fault.  And, I went back to taking my anti-depressants that the brain doctor gave me after I had my hysterectomy.  I also went back to taking my estrogen (which I had not been taking).    Have I mentioned lately, how much I hate pills?

Anyway, I guess I was depressed.  I know that I have been profoundly mourning my son.  I had been dealing with alot of anger.  There have been alot of feelings and it all just became too much (which is why I checked out).

All of this happened right before I was supposed to perform on the burlesque stage.  It took everything I had to get back up on that stage.  I really just wanted tot say on the couch.  I managed to get dressed up.  I managed to get to the venue. I managed to smile.  While I checked in with the bouncer and had him check off my  name on the ticket list, I saw that Suzy was coming.  I didn't think much about it other than I was glad she was getting out of the house.  Then later when people were coming in, Tracy told me that Suzy and her boyfriend were sitting next to him.  Okay.  I saw Suzy walking around and I gave her a hug and told her I was glad to see her out.  I was busy fluttering around before the show..  like I always do. Nervous energy...and visiting with guests at the show.  Then I got on stage and I smiled and I performed.  I am always happy when I get on stage.  At intermission I made a point of catching Suzy's boyfriends eye and waving and smiling at him.  And that is when my night turned.  He saw me and actively turned his back on me.  When I went to sit beside Suzy and talk to them, he actively avoided me and gave me the cold shoulder.  His parents were there, his Mom said hi and was pleasant, but he was rude.  As the show went on and he heckled my friend on stage, I became increasingly annoyed and angry.  "How dare he come to a show that I am in and treat me that way?"  "They don't come to shows in months and when they do it's with his parents and they sit next to us.  Going to shows used to be our family thing..now she is here with another family."   I was so glad that I did not have to get back up on that stage that night.  I was so pissed/hurt. What did I do to him?  It was all I could do to go out and dance at the after party that night.  As a matter of fact, I just danced alone most of the night.. using dance as my therapy.  But I was still so upset.  Heavy hearted.  A couple of days later, I find that his mom had unfriended me on Facebook.  What did I do?  I really don't know.  And I guess it really doesn't matter.   But my heart breaks.  When he started dating Suzy, he promised me he was not going to take her away..that he only wanted to add to our family and that he wanted to honor Nick's memory and that he loved and missed Nick.  Well instead....our family has been torn apart.  It has been made pretty clear that as long as Suzy is dating him, we will never be able to have family gatherings with Suzy.  We can see Suzy without him..but not with him around.  My heart breaks, but I have to move on.  My family has to move on.  Naomi misses the sister she thought she had.  Nate misses Suzy.  Tracy still sees her on occasion at lunches.  But that is it.  And to be honest...now that she is back to attending burlesque shows... I am just not sure I can handle being on stage with him present.  I don't know if I will be able to smile and be happy.  I am seriously considering giving in to that and not performing anymore.

With that said, I have a performance coming up in a couple of weeks.  A new act I have been working on.  I have been dragging my feet when it comes to performing....mostly cause my heart is hurting and finding the joy it takes to practice is difficult.  I know once I am on the stage, it is fine.  But the getting to that point is very difficult for me right now.  But I do love this act.  And it will be the last time I get to perform before I have knee surgery.. so perform I will!

That's the other thing.  Knee surgery!  I get to finally have that knee replacement.  Well, the doctor calls it "knee resurfacing".  The bottom of my femur will be shaved and have a metal plate put in place.  The top of my tibia will be shaved and have a plastic "cushion" put in place with a fin that goes down into the bone to hold it in place.  He says I will feel like going to the grocery store within 4 weeks.  Let's hope so!  My knee is cranky, as usual.  But all of the work I have been doing at the gym is helping.  I see my legs getting stronger.  I see my balance betting better.  These are good things!  I am really hoping that my knee will get better faster than 4 weeks...thanks to all of the exercise before hand.

I do have alot on my mind.  Some of it is just this nagging feeling like I am searching for something.  I don't know what it is.  I have tried to sort it out, but it is not there.  Maybe its just a sense of restlessness.  I don't know.  I do feel a bit lighter after my break down.  Maybe I just needed to cry, cause honestly I had not had a cry like that.. not at all....since Nick was killed. Ya, I have cried.. but not like that... It was good for me.

So here it is.. autumn is just around the corner.  It's my favorite time of year.  I really want to go hiking up to Stack Rock before my surgery. I just don't know when.  My weekends are pretty booked with weddings, performance, and Omi's flag stuff.  And I need a friend to go with me cause I don't know how to get there on my own... nor should I go alone (thanks to my knee).  I need a friend who can handle my slowness.  I want to get out and enjoy this time of year before I am stuck in the house recovering.  The gym is important...but man I am such an outside girl!  If Brandon was here, he would go with me. LOL

Ah well.  I guess I should get off of this thing and get to work on finishing up the costume for my upcoming performance.  Thanks for listening to me vent.

August 28, 2016 Third Time Is A Charm

I have tried writing this blog twice already and both times I have just deleted the entire thing.  Why?  Because sometimes I feel like what I write is whiney and indulgent.

I have been struggling with grief and grief related depression.  It has pretty much zapped me of anything positive (at least emotionally).  I have been dealing with feelings of guilt, both guilt I have assigned to myself and blame I have assigned to others, when in reality, I know it is no one's fault that Nick is dead.. .except for the lady who hit him.

Before anyone says anything about it being nearly 2 years since his death, and I should "move on", I just need to say this.  I thought that after the 1 year anniversary, all of my grief would just *poof*.    I thought that anything over a year was self-indulgent and whiney.  But in reality, thanks to some reading I have done, I have learned that year 2 of grief can be worse than year 1.  I have also learned that grief from losing a spouse can take 2 years to recover from while losing a child can take 5 years.  (Let's hope it doesn't take 5 years for me!)  Anyway.. so before some of you start saying, "It's time to move on",  just slow your role.  I am doing the best I can with what I have.  I can guarantee you that.

I won't lie; that first night when I found out my son was dead, I worried about many things.  One of the things I worried about was my marriage.  I have seen marriages dissolve in the months after the loss of a child.  I didn't want that for my marriage.  Year 2 of our grief journey has proven to be a bit difficult.  Tracy and I grieve differently and at different times.  We both deal with things differently.  It can be difficult.  I talk (entirely too much).  He doesn't talk at all.  When he does talk, he is afraid it will bring me down.  Communication has been hindered.  Lots of things have been affected.  And it does put a strain on our marriage.  I'm not saying our  marriage is in deep doo-doo... I'm just saying, that the strain is there and we have acknowledged it and are doing our level best to work through this.  
Here's the deal.  In normal, every day life, people are continually changing.  In a marriage, you seldom change at the same rate.  That change, no matter how big or small, can put a strain on a marriage, and sometimes can even destroy it.   In order to make it through things, spouses need to realize what is going on and be patient with each other until the other catches up.  Now when something HUGE happens, like losing a child, change can not be denied.  Individuals change. That can't be ignored.  When the married couple comes out on the other side of the grief and see that their spouse is different, it requires getting to know that person the way they are and loving them in their new version.  More importantly, it requires that that each person loves the change that happens within themselves.  Or at least, they have to continue loving themselves in order to love another.  This is really hard, at least for me.  I see the change in me, and to be completely honest, I am not sure I love the person I have become.

I know I should not live in the past.  I know I should live in the present.  But I miss the "happy, every day positive" person I used to be.  Now it feels like I am faking it when I try to be that person.  My temper is shorter now.  My fuse is easily lit.  I lack the patience I used to have.  And my compassion is in a smaller scale.  I try.  I really try.  But man, it's hard.  I feel more selfish now.  I don't like that very much.  But I also feel like I don't have much to give anymore.  I feel like I barely have enough for myself and my family.

Then there is the blame/guilt game.  For about year now, I have (unwillingly) been placing blame for Nick's death on someone I love.  I won't go into who and why.  Mostly because I realize it's just a way for me to try and find some rationality for Nick being gone, and really there isn't any.  Then I started a new train of thought.  "It's my fault."  It's my fault.  I never should have mentioned to Nick about the idea of moving to Florida and living with my mom while he finished college.  If I had not done that, then he would not have gotten married to Suzy so soon.  If he had not gotten  married to Suzy and moved to Florida, then they would not have had the issue with only 1 car that was a stick that she would not drive.  If that had not been an issue, he would not have gotten rid of his car to get a car for Suzy to drive and a motorcycle for him.  If he had not gotten a motorcycle, then the accident wouldn't have happened and he would still be alive.  So see... there it is.  It is my fault.  I am the reason my son is dead.  Instead of having my mom move here (like she was wanting to do back then), I put the seed in Nick's head to move there and live with her... and that is what started this spiral into his death.  Now, not only is my son dead, but my mom is living here and she is depressed because she misses her friends.  I am watching her health decline.  If I had moved her here all those years ago, maybe things would be different for her.

Something else that hit me in the last couple of weeks has been the realization that Nick lived with my mom for half of his life.  I had not really taken that into consideration when it comes to my mom and grief.  Right after Nick was killed, my mom had said something to the effect that she doesn't' cry over dead people.  They are just gone.  My mom and I have had conversations about this, and she says that I didn't take it right.  We have cleared that up.  But recently, she drove by the remainder of a motorcycle accident.  I heard the grief in her voice.  To my mom, it might very well feel  like she lost one of her own children.. not "just a grandson".   We moved in with my parents when Nick was just a few months old.  WE lived there for 6 years.  Mom was a huge part of his life.  She watched him for us.  She was there when he learned how to swim.  She was there when he learned how to surf (before he could swim).  She was there for all of those firsts.  Then he moved back in with her when he was in college.  And though Nick and Suzy spent most of their time in their separate part of the house, my mom was there to witness and be part of a big chunk of his life...closer than most grandparents get to their grandchildren.  So ya....I bet the grief is huge with her.  Add to that, the huge move across the country leaving behind her friends and extended bonus family.  Her move was necessary, at least I believe it was.  But I also think I reacted selfishly.  I moved her entirely too soon after Nick's death.  WE made that decision FOR her.  But I also know that I did the best I could for her, for my family, for myself.  I had my brother's there when Nick died.  They saw how mom was.  We all agreed she needed to not be alone.  But man, I kinda feel guilty about that.  I kinda feel guilty about how much she misses her friends in Florida.  I am watching her decline here.  I thought she would improve.  And for a while she did.  But recently, there has been a change and I am worried about her.

I know.  I know.  I can't live in the past.  And I can't live in the land of "what ifs" and "only ifs".  I can only live in this moment right now.

Here is what I tell myself to try and get over this guilt and blame game.  Tracy and I have had motorcycles since Nick was 4 years old.  He grew up with them.  They were part of his lifestyle.  It was obvious that one day he would own a motorcycle...whether it was because he needed a cheaper way to travel or because he just wanted one for the pure enjoyment.  He was going to own one.  His death is not my fault.  But then, after I tell myself this, I hear myself say.  Well okay, if you NEVER had motorcycles in your life, Nick would not have grown up with them in his life resulting him having one for himself.    This isn't true either.  Tracy never had motorcycles in his life and we have been riding them for over 20 years now.  So ya.

I know.  It's not my fault.  I need to let that go.

Tracy and I have both been dealing with the difficulty of getting back on our motorcycle.  We ride, but its difficult.  Tracy doesn't like to ride like he used to.  And I love the idea of riding, but the minute I get on the back of the bike, I am terrified that some idiot will cut us off and cause us to crash.  I am on constant alert, and not in a good way.  It is very hard for me to relax on the back of the bike.  I am terrified that we will have an accident and that one or both of us will be killed or that one or both of us will be disabled.  I am terrified that my children will be traumatized further by another motorcycle accident.  I have visions of my children crying.  It is horrible.  Part of me says, it is time to sell the bike and just get another vehicle.  Then the other part of me says, "don't let this take away your joy."  But the truth of the matter is, every time I get on the bike, I remember my son is dead because of the bike.

I also have this very horrible thought process that makes me feel guilty.  In the last couple of months, I have had 2 friends have children run away.  I have 2 other friends with children suffering and in the hospital.  I find myself being "thankful" that Nick died immediately in his accident.  I find myself feeling guilty for feeling relief that Nick didn't lay in a hospital fighting for his life.  I feel guilty and selfish for thinking how badly that would have hurt all of us if he had been in the hospital for a long time.  I watch my friends and I hear their stories about all of the worry and fears....and I think.. "God, I'm glad we didn't have to go through that."  What does it say about me that I would rather live and deal with grief than that kind of worry (that is not just temporary..but life long in some cases).

Yesterday, I was shopping in a craft store and they already had Christmas decorations out.  Not crafts to be done, but actual christmas decorations.  And I about broke down in the walk way.  I don't want to face Christmas this year.  This year, it will be the first time we don't have Suzy as part of our family.  Yes, there is grief around the changing of relationships with Suzy.  Honestly, it is still very confusing when it comes to Suzy. She and I have still not really talked.  The only person in our family that she talks to is Tracy and it seems as though (unless something drastic happens) the relationship is at an impasse.  That hurts.  And yes, I have to grieve that loss too.  So the holidays are not looking so fun.  While I was on the motorcycle today, I thought about Thanksgiving.  I really just wanna go on vacation and do something non-traditional.  Is that fair to my kids who want tradition?  Nope.  But man, I just want to ignore the holidays or do something completely different and distract ourselves.

What all of this boils down to is this:  I have been struggling.  I hate that I am blogging about this STILL.  I want to blog about something happy for a change. LOL.  I am doing the best I can.  I am back in the gym and treating myself better.  I am working out.  My body is changing shape (for the better).  I am eating better.  The whole family is eating better (for the most part).  But it takes everything I have to get my ass into the gym. It takes everything I have to get myself to the grocery store and then actually cook.  I don't even want to go to parties right now.  We forced ourselves to go to a party a couple of weeks ago, and as fun as the party was, Tracy and I were pretty much miserable.  (Not the parties fault.)  I don't even want to do burlesque. I don't want to do anything but hide in a world of Pokemon hunting and TV shows.  But I am forcing myself out of the house.  I am forcing myself to do things.  I am afraid to talk to my friends.  I am afraid that they are going to get tired of me.  I know I am tired of me.  LOL  No, I do not want to go to therapy.  I don't think I need therapy.  I know what is going on.  I know it will take time.  I am doing things I need to do to get better.  But I hurt.  That is all.

August 17, 2016 Everyone Has to Pee Sometime

As I rushed into the ladies room at Joann's Fabrics, shut the stall door and sat down to relieve my aching bladder a weird memory came flashing back to me.

I was a Junior at J.J. Pearce High School.  I had just transferred back to public school after attending a small Christian private school since 6th grade.  Since this was my "home" high school, I knew a few people from back when I went to elementary school with them.  "Knew" is a broad term.  How about, I remembered them, but I was just an unmemorable face in a sea of thousands of faces in that school.  Yes, I said thousands.  My school had well over 3000 students for 10th-12th grades.  And if the truth be told, even my elementary school years were filled with scrutiny and bullying.  I was always looked down on.  So it's no wonder that when I returned to the public school environment, I was both very timid and and unmemorable.

So what does this have to do with the ladies bathroom?

At Pearce, there was a girl's room on the ground floor in the main hall kind of close to the cafeterias.  It's the one you went to, if you were at the cafeterias (yes, we had TWO cafeterias in my high school).  Anyway, I don't remember how many stalls were in this girl's room.  Five maybe?  But it was always packed with girls primping themselves in front of the mirror.  I don't think girl's actually used the bathroom for what it was intended for.  But I remember having to go rather badly, so I went.  And I remember being afraid to pee.  I remember being afraid that someone would hear me peeing and make fun of me and spread rumors about how loud I pee'd.  Seriously?  It's liquid hitting liquid, there is going to be some noise.  But I remember how afraid I was of relieving myself in the high school public bathroom.  I wanted to go through high school under the radar.  I wanted to avoid the bullying of elementary school. I wanted to avoid the name calling that followed me into the Christian school.  I just wanted to have a peaceful last 2 years of high school.  Was that too much to ask?

As I relieved myself at Joann's, this memory came back to me and I contemplated the silliness of my thinking.  I also thought about conversations I had with other students during that year or the year that followed.  I remember how "in your face" people could get.  I remember how important it seemed to be wearing the right clothes, the right perfume, drive the right car, and yes......the all important question, "Have you had sex with your boyfriend yet?"  Navigating high school is like  navigating a mine field.   One wrong step, and you are toast!    I thought about this, and I thought about my daughter who is about to start her Junior year in high school.  That's when I decided I needed to write this blog....for all of the daughter's out there facing the mine field that is high school.

1) Everyone has to pee sometime.  Seriously.  It's okay to go into the bathroom at school and relieve yourself.  No one is listening to you pee and judging you by how loud or quiet you are.  I know it feels like you are under a microscope, but I promise you, the sound of your urination is not one of the things being considered!  So, please, relieve yourself with peace of mind!  It's much better than doing the potty dance!

2) The "right clothes".  I grew up in the 80's.  What was popular?  Keds tennis shoes.  Guess jeans. Coca Cola shirts.  None of these (except maybe the Keds) were inexpensive, and for a girl who was coming from a house with a dad who had been unemployed for a year and a mom who was a secretary, these things were NOT in the budget!  Heck, the cars we drove either had a car door that would fly open when you turned the right direction or the drivers seat was broken and had to be propped up in order to sit up straight in it.  I remember, for whatever reason, my dad had given me a credit card that was in his name.  He told me specifically, "This is to be used for emergency purposes only."  Apparently, matching Coca Cola shirts for me and my boyfriend did not constitute an emergency.  What my dad didn't understand was that every day, I went to school and felt like I was being ridiculed or left out because I didn't wear the right things.  That Coca Cola shirt WAS an emergency of the utmost importance in my teenage world.  With that said... even WITH that fancy shirt, I was still on the outskirts of the high school world.  So what did I learn?  It's not the clothes that earn you friends or make you feel included.  Clothes certainly won't fix the issue so don't freakin' break the bank to buy the right kinds of stuff.

When my son, Nate, was in junior high, all he wanted to wear was named brand clothing from Hollister.  That is so NOT cheap.  I taught him how to shop in the sales section of his favorite  name brand clothing stores.  Eventually, all he ever wore was Hollister.  And you know what happened.  All of the kids who wore it turned on him because he started wearing it.  It's crazy.  High School kids  march to the rhythm of their own drum, and they will change  that rhythm on a whim, without notice.  So stop trying to be like them, and own your own style.  You will feel so much more comfortable in your own skin, if you can learn to stop following the crowd.

3)  Sex.  Sex seems to be a very popular conversation in high school.  Who's doing it?  Who are they doing it with?  Yadda yadda yadda.  Let's go back to my junior year at Pearce.  Remember, I had just left a private Christian school.  At my Christian school, we weren't even allowed to hold hands with someone we were dating much less have sex.  And god forbid we talk about it.  I remember once, I made the mistake of confiding to people who I thought were my friends.  As it turned out, they continued that conversation with other people without me around, and in front of parents and that whole conversation got back to my mom.  Not cool.   So when I got to Pearce, the last thing I wanted to talk about was how intimate I was with my boyfriend (who is now my husband).  I didn't know these people, and seriously, your sex life is your own private world.  It is not to be talked about in school with your friends (or people you think are your friends).  Anyway, in my home-ec class (cooking), I shared a table with 2 girls and 1 guy.  One of the girls insisted that she was dating some college boy with his own helicopter and supposedly the sex was "out of this world".  Maybe the helicopter should have been a red flag, but since my school was filled with high school kids driving brand new BMWs and Mercedes, I didn't see it as being to big of a red flag.  But boy, this girl kept going on and on about the sex and getting hotel rooms with this boy.  Then she would ask me repeatedly if I was having sex with my boyfriend.  "You have been with him for nearly 3 years, surely you have had sex by now!"  My answer was always "No, I'm still a virgin.  We are waiting until we get married."  My answer was a bold faced lie, but it was none of her business.  What I learned that semester in school was this:  The kids who are always bragging about having sex are more than likely NOT having sex and are just trying to impress people (in the wrong way).  And those who ARE having sex are likely not talking about it because.. its a PRIVATE MATTER!   So when you are in school and listening to your friends talk, keep that in mind.  There is always going to be peer pressure to do things, and sex is one of them.   If it's not coming from the person you are dating, it might come from your friends who seem to think sex is cool.  Sex is not a measurement for how cool or not cool you are.  Sex is something that should be shared between people who love each other.  Okay, even that may be a stretch.  Ideally, yes, it should be.  But I also know teenagers who have made very logical, safe and sane decisions to have sex with people they were just friends with.  Obviously, I am not a proponent of abstinence until marriage.  However, I am a proponent of safe and sane sex.  I am a proponent of "No Means NO" and always having consent before any physical touching.   Sex is a grown up thing for people who are mature.  Respect for yourself and for your partner is of the utmost importance.    And yes, ideally, being in a long term relationship is best.  "Long term" means more than 2 weeks or 2 months.  But again, SAFETY FIRST, no matter when, where or with whom!  Condoms ALWAYS....even on top of the the birth control pill!  It's not about just preventing unwanted pregnancy.. its about preventing sexually transmitted infections.  If you want/need to know more, check out Planned Parenthood (they give you free condoms and they have sex ed classes and you don't need a parent to get on the pill or be seen there.)

Oh ya.. and if you hear some boy say... "Me and this girl had sex" (or something like that)  Don't believe him.  For that matter, call him out on his shit!  Tell him that is private and he should not be talking about it.  Most likely, he is telling a lie about the girl, and that really hurts!  Call him out on it!   I don't know why guys think its cool to put that kind of stuff out there... well other than he wants to look all "manly" and crap. But let's face it, a real man doesn't talk about that stuff in public and certainly wouldn't talk about the girl he respects that way.  So ya... call him out on it!  Same thing with the girls; cause, ya, some girls like talking about that stuff too.  Bottom line: Being sexually active is NOT a status symbol!

4) Drinking and Drugs.  In high school BOTH of these are illegal.  You will likely be invited and/or attend at least one party where these things are happening.  If you do decide you want to partake of such things, please do not get behind the wheel of a car.  Don't let your friends get behind the wheel of a car.  Be smart!  If you are going out with friends who you know will be making a choice to drink or do drugs, then please make sure you have a designated driver who will stay sober and sane and make sure everyone gets home safe.  Also, your parents would rather you call them to pick you up than to have the cops call them to tell them their child is dead or has been arrested.  If you are going to do stupid things, be smart about it!  While we are talking about drinking and drugs, if you are at a party, hold on to your own cup and always be the one to get your own drinks.  Be responsible for yourself.  Don't trust anyone at the party.. not even your date.  Your best bet is to avoid these kinds of parties, but if you can't or don't..just keep these things in mind.  Be safe.  Be sane.  Stay alive.

Also..just an FYI:  Boys AND Girls, if someone is drunk they are UNABLE to give consent for sexual activity.  Sexual activity without consent is called RAPE.  Keep that in mind.  There is no excuse for ignorance.. be respectful and know the law!

5) High School is supposed to be some of your funnest years.  But for so many, it is filled with anxiety.  For so many, it is not a safe place.  Even if technically it is safe, sometimes it doesn't feel safe for some kids.  Practice kindness.  Smile at a stranger; you never know, that smile might save their life.  Say hello to a kid you have never met.  Step outside of your comfort zone and try something new this year; you might be pleasantly surprised at the friends you make.  Remember to make time to study, but also remember to make time to relax and have fun.  It seems like high school has turned into this "must work to get into college" thing.  This is true,  college is a very important thing.  But so many kids are over worked and over stressed.  Remember to breathe.  Remember to make time to have some fun.  Go to the dances. If you don't have a date, then get a group of your friends together and go as a group of friends (those are the best kinds of dances anyway).  Take silly pictures. Don't be afraid to be goofy.  You only get one shot at being a teenager, enjoy it!  Be respectful to your teachers, school administration and other students; you are in school to learn and so is everyone else.  Don't waste other people's time.

Now get out there and have a great year!!!!!

August 12, 2016 Walking In His Steps Feeling HIs Presence

I have been doing alot of talking to Nick lately.

It started at the beginning of the week with a dream he was in.  He was giving me a hug.  We were so happy.  I woke up with my arms wrapped around me and this very warm feeling.  It was as real as it gets and it felt amazing.  I woke up smiling.  I know it was Nick in my dream.. it wasn't a "dream"; it was REAL and it felt amazing.   That was also the day I found out that the daughter of friends of mine is in a coma after an emergency brain surgery.  The young woman is a teenager and she and her parents are surrounded by a huge support system.  My heart goes out to my friends and their family.  I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.  However, this has me constantly talking to Nick this week.

The conversation goes something like this:  "Get your ass over to Hannah and watch over her while she fights to come out of that coma!"  "Make sure you are there with her as her body heals.  I don't know where the consciousness goes or experiences while in a coma, but make sure you are there with her to help her laugh and feel strong."

No, Nick did not know Hannah. And truthfully I think I may have only met Hannah once.  But I know Nick is always around and I know he would want to be there for her.  

Anyway, I have been feeling Nick close by.  For a week (at least) my Florida Tech Mom tshirt  has been calling to me but I have not wanted to wear it.  Today I gave in.  I have worn it  many times since I bought it when Nick was killed.  But today when I took it off the hanger and slid it over my skin, I felt a warm hug.  It was Nick again.  He wanted me to feel his hug again.

Truthfully, there has been much going on in this house this week.   Alot of it is emotional.. Healing, talking. connecting, loving.  I guess its not all that surprising that Nick has been around for this.  Today, I decided to take a couple of walks around a couple of parks to do some Pokemon hunting.  But truthfully, Pokemon hunting was just an "excuse" to visit a couple of the parks I went to.  These parks have memories of Nick....especially Kathryn Albertson Park.

As I walked around the park, I kept feeling and hearing Nick talking to me.  I felt his presence.  I sat on a bench where we all sat for photos after his wedding.  I walked on the same paths and bridges.  He was there.  I was walking along looking at my phone for Pokemon and he said, "Look up" and I did.  And right there in the middle of the day was no one but 3 deer.  A mom with 2 of her babies.  They were so close to me.  So beautiful and peaceful.  Mom was very watchful making sure I didn't get near her babies.  I thanked Nick as I witnessed such grace and innocence.

It was a beautiful day to walk through these parks and remember my son.  They are beautiful memories.  No tears were shed, but Nick was calling out to me.  All the while, I kept telling him to go back to Hannah and watch after her.

My thoughts have been with Hannah's parents.  My thoughts have been with my friend who just moved back to Dallas and is helping his parents; he lost his brother (his parents lost a son) several years ago, but his mom has lost all joy and is struggling.  My thoughts have been with her.  It's so hard to lose a child and continue to find joy in life.  It is so hard to out live your children.  It's hard to leave a place that has memories of that child.  When you lose the physical child, you tend to hold on tightly to those memories of that child....not just the memories, but the places, the people attached to your child..anything and anyone who keeps you connected to that child after that child is physically gone.  This is something I don't want my friends, Hannah's parents, to have to feel or know.  C'mon, Hannah, keep on fighting, come back to your family!

Remember at the beginning of the year, I said I was not going to dye my hair so that I could see how much grey is in my hair now?  Well today as I took pictures at the park, its not really the gray that I see, but grief I see on my face.  Even though I may be smiling, I see how grief has aged me.  I am not saying this to cut myself down.  It is just a reality, and one that I set out to accept this year.  I am not the sum of my experiences, but my experiences did help shape me, and that includes the death of my son.  It has changed me.  I will not be the same person I used to be.  But I can be the best me that I am now (whatever that is).  Which, I guess, is why I am learning to accept my gray hair; it is why I am in the gym working on getting healthy again.  My family, the way it is now, is most important.  As Nate told me this week, you can't live in the past; you got to live in this moment.  I raised a wise young man!

August 8, 2016 It's 2:11am... and I'm Awake

My mind is racing all over the place and I'm not asleep.  Well, okay, it's not racing anymore.  Now I think I can sleep, but I feel heavy with so much on my mind.  I am hoping I can just "brain dump" stuff in this blog and I will feel better.  So be prepared for none of this to make any sense!

I have had lots of my mind in the last month or so.

1)  Jared and Breezy gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Tyson.  They call us grandparents.  We love Breezy and Jared like they are our own children.  And yes, we love Tyson as if he was our biological grandbaby.  Family is what we make it.. not always what we are born into.  I believe that whole heartedly.  And, yes, there is a "but".  My "but" has nothing to do with our relationship with Breezy, Jared and Tyson as much as the bittersweet feeling of loving Tyson and knowing we were a year and a half (maybe) from having a grandbaby from Nick and Suzy before Nick was killed.  I wish we had a piece of Nick with us still.  But I also understand how complicated that would be now.....which brings me to another thought in my head.

2)  I miss Nick terribly.  I know I do my best to smile, laugh, love and move on.  But it doesn't change the fact that I miss my son.  It doesnt' change the fact that I miss my family the way it was before Nick was killed.

3)  The family the way it was....I still have pictures on my fridge of Nick and Suzy.  I still have pictures on my fridge of me and Suzy.  I still have pictures on the wall of Suzy and Omi.  I see them, and I feel sad.  I honestly don't know what to do or what to think when it comes to Suzy.  I have talked to my friends who lost spouses and asked them if they still have contact and relationships with their previous inlaws. They don't .  Everyone has moved on.  Suzy doesn't not reply or acknowledge any of my posts on facebook (as far as I can tell, she has unfollowed me or just actively ignores my posts..which is fine I guess).  She "likes" or "responds" to things on Tracy's facebook.  We have invited her to things here at the house since she has moved out, but she has not come.  I still see her posts.  I still go to her wall to catch up with what is going on in her life.  I worry about her.  I see her posts that seem to be increasingly sad.  But, to be honest, I feel completely rejected by her.  And yes, maybe being close to our family is too much for her.  I'm sure she misses Nick.  And honestly, I don't know what to expect or anything like that.  We just went on family vacation with out  her.  It felt weird.  But our previous family vacations, we took her and Nick and we paid for their trip.  But now she is with Tom. That changes the dynamic.    I see Tom's mom post about seeing Suzy and Tom and saying she loves them...and I feel like the outsider.  (Because I am.)  Tracy tells me he is having lunch with Suzy...he is worried about her.  I'm glad she responds to him.  I worry about her.  I love her.  Honestly, I am just tired of being rejected..it hurts too much.  I lost Nick...and Suzy.

(I know none of this is news to anyone reading this..sorry)

4)  Friends moving away......making new friends....friends busy with life.....     Like I said earlier in this blog.. family is what we make.. not always what we are born into.  My friends are my family, so when they move away, it leaves a bit of a mark. Even the ones who live in Washington, when they move further away, it leaves a mark.  When the ones who live here in Boise move away, it leaves a mark.  Then other friends who are here get involved with new loves and new interests and we dont' get to see each other as much as we would like.  And I find myself looking around.  These are people who were there for me when I needed them the most.  And now they are moving....or are busy with life and here I am still with this aching heart (that really no one can fix.. no one is going to bring back Nick.)  Yet, in the midst of all of this, new friends come into my life and I am enjoying getting to know them.  They didn't know me "before" so there is no comparison for them to make in the way I was before and the way that I am now.  They get to know me the way that I am now.. which to me feels quite a bit different.....which brings me to the next item...

5)  I know we should not focus on the past because we lose sight of what is right inf ront of us.  But I look back at pictures from before Nick was killed.. before my life got turned inside out.  I was so happy. My smile was easy.  There was a twinkle in my eye.  My body was strong.  I was kicking ass and taking  names.  I have friends who have lost siblings and they tell me their moms have changed.. either refuse to find joy in life or just in general change.  I refuse to let grief consume me.  There is joy in every day and I experience it.  I seek it out when I don't feel it.  I make a point of finding a reason to smile.  I like to make people smile.  I like to celebrate life.  But there is this deep deep feeling that is always there...like something is missing (because some ONE is missing).  life is different, and I wonder sometimes "Will people love the broken me as much as they loved the whole me?"  I guess I feel broken.  That is the first time I have actually "said" that.  I guess now that I have acknowledged it.... maybe it will start to mend and heal?   That may also just be a rhetorical question.  I know I have friends who love me...before and after.  But sometimes I feel like I have to hide my grief or not talk about it...because if I talk about it, it makes people uncomfortable.  It's not pretty, and people like "pretty".  They like "convenient".  They don't like messy.  They have their own issues; they don't need mine too.

6)  Then there is my family.....Nate, Naomi and Tracy.  Am I doing right by them?  Am I doing right by Nate?  Does he feel validated?  Does he feel heard?  Does he feel loved?  Does he feel scared?  He must have feelings about losing his brother, but he doesn't talk about them.  What about Naomi?  I know she is scared of losing Nate.  She cries because he smokes.. afraid that he will dies becuase he smoke and gets mad cause she feels like Nate doesn't care.  She adores Nate.  Will she be able to find the right person in her life who will be able to handle her grief and everything that comes with it?  Do I dote on her too much in an effort to make up for Nick being gone.  Does she feel heard?  What about Tracy?  He works so much.  We spend one on one time together almost every night in teh hot tub.. jsut relaxing and talking.  We have survived thus far.  We love each other.  We have no real issues in our  marriage, so why borrow them?  But I would be lieing if I said that I worry that losing a child might one day tear us apart.  I have seen it happen.....and I just keep praying that we will stick together through this.  WE are different people now.  We have been through growth spurts before.. where one grows faster than the other, and we have managed to wait for the other to catch up.  We can make it through grief together.  But do I support him enough?  Do I offer him a safe place to grieve for real?

7)  My own health.  I used to be healthy... physically.  I had full function of my brain.  My vision needed glasses, but I could see properly. My legs carried me long distances over mountains and peddled long distances on my bike.  I had balance and getting off of the floor was easy.  I was the healthiest I have ever been.  And now.. I feel as though I am almost the most unhealthy I have ever been.. even though I have not reached my max weight.  My knee hurts.  I feel much older than I am chronologically.  My brain gets easily over whelmed.  I am working on this.  I start with a trainer tomorrow.  I should really be sleeping right now so that training session won't be with me half asleep.  LOL.  I will get back to being healthy again.  This is only a temporary situation.  It sucks that it has caused me to cancel a big event I was looking forward to, but it is necessary in order to me to get healthy and be around for my family for a very long time.  And I did just go roller skating tonight, which was fun.

I know I sound depressed.  I am not depressed.  I just have alot going through my head.  It's been going through my head for a while, and I guess it just needed to be expressed, and I don't talk to people about all of this (for reasons stated above).  Every day I try to focus on things to be grateful for because I do believe gratitude is a huge part of a happy life.  I look for ways to incorporate fun and laughter into my life because it is the best medicine.  I look for ways to be creative because it is healing and inspiring.  I look for ways to keep growing because someone once told me if you are not growing you are dying.

I don't know what the answers are.. and I may not be looking for them.  This is just me doing a brain dump hoping it will help me sleep.  And if any of you see Suzy, please give her a hug for me.  Thanks.