May 1, 2019 Warning: Grief! Do Not Go Beyond This Point!

On a beautiful, seemingly normal day, I came across a beautiful bird singing its song.  It began to fly, and I followed it and its song to a beautiful forest.  While walking through the lush, green forest filled with the new promises of spring; I stopped to smell the flower buds on the tress.  The air was thick with the sweet aroma of the colorful blossoms.  Bees were busy and buzzing from one purple bud to the next.  Birds were singing their happy tunes and celebrating the new season while they prepared their nests that would protect their eggs and a promise for a new generation.  Squirrels were playing and chasing each other up one tree and jumping from one to the other and back down again.  Even the water in the near by creek was bubbling with the fullness of winter's  melt and gave way for new life.

All around me there were signs of joy, peace, love, beauty, and new beginnings.  Days like this are what dreams and folktales are made of.  My heart felt happy as I walked along the path letting my hands trail beside me brushing the tall, soft grass.  But something was tugging at me.  A sense of something foreboding was picking at my joy. I looked around and only saw the beauty around me, but with every step I took further into the forest, this dark feeling got stronger.  Chills ran up and down my spine.  Goosebumps rose from my skin and the hair on my arms stood on end.  My chest tightened as my feet trudged further into the forest.

I looked around and it had gotten darker.  How did I not notice that the birds had stopped singing.  The path beneath my feet had gone from soft, green grass and easy walking to a path overgrown with prickly weeds.  The rocks beneath my feet were jagged and hard to keep balance on.  Even the babbling creek had turned wide and angry roaring over rapids as if to warn me to just turn around.  I couldn't though.

My heart was pounding now.  Each beat warned of something dark and scary up ahead.  It was still spring, but it had gotten colder.  I looked up and dark gray storm clouds had rolled in.  The wind had kicked up and I felt the cold wind blow right to my bones.  I have been on many hikes in my life time.  I have lived through 49 spring times.  I knew that what I was experiencing was likely only temporary.  I could turn around, back to the safety of a beautiful path, and hope I out run the rain back to my home; or I could keep going through this fear in my soul and dark, rocky, cold path that lay before me.  Surely, the sun, beauty and joy would return again... if I just kept walking.

I turned a corner, and there before me was a giant cave looking thing.  Was it a cave or was it a tunnel system that would get me to the other side of this forest?  I was unsure.  All of my friends  had told me about this hike, but none of them told me or warned me about a cave or tunnel.  None of them warned me that the path would become dangerous and dark.  Had I taken a wrong turn somewhere?  Had I gotten so wrapped up in the beauty and promises of new beginnings and the end of winter's slumber that I had missed a trail sign to go a different direction?  I had no idea.  I wished I had brought a trail map with me.

What lie ahead of me was not just a dark hole in a mountain, but a huge orange warning sign nailed to an old wooden fence.  The white paint was chipping away.  It had been out in the weather for several years.  There was yellow "caution" tape strung all across it.  Even it was torn and hanging loose in places.  This place looked dark, unloved and rarely visited. I mean, why would you?  It was obvious no one was supposed to go any further.  The orange warning sign said, "Warning:  Grief!  Do not go beyond this point!"

As soon as I read this sign, I felt my chest tighten.  The ringing in my ears grew louder.  Thunder crashed overhead as lightning flashed.  The wind was really whipping.  The torn yellow caution tape was clinging to the wooden fence as if it's life depended on it.  I could hear the plastic flapping.  The situation was looking and feeling pretty dire. I no longer had time to turn back around to the safe, easy path of spring and new beginnings.  I couldn't stay where I was standing.  Hail as big as golf balls had started to pelt my goose-bumped skin.  Standing there in the dark, cold forest was too dangerous.  But what would happen if I ignored the whipping caution tape, the bright orange warning sign and climbed over the old, weathered, splintered, wood fence?  What danger was ahead of me?

I stood there in my fear, welts forming on my cold, red skin. I looked around longing for another option, but there was none.  Then as if something was haunting me, I heard the slightest sound of what seemed like a young child whimpering.  I stopped everything. I didn't dare move a muscle.  I willed my heart to stop pounding and my ears to stop ringing.  What was that sound?  I stood very still, holding my breath and I heard it again.  It was the sound of a young child crying and it was getting louder.  It was coming from the inside of the dark hole in the mountain.  The poor thing had some how found its way behind the warning sign and must be scared in the darkness.  That was it!  I had to get in there.

Carefully, I put my hands on the top board and stepped up on the rickety fence.  Slowly, one foot at a time, I ignored the warning signs and climbed the fence.  The crying was getting louder and I heard a quiet voice plead, "Please help me. I'm scared."

Tears welled up in my eyes as I started moving at a quick pace, carefully throwing my legs one at a time over the top of the fence.  Once my entire body was over the fence, I looked over my shoulder to check out the ground beneath me.  More sharp rocks; I couldn't just jump off of this fence.  I climbed down as quickly as possible and felt the piercing of a sliver of wood sink into my right hand.  My feet wobbled; I lost my balance and fell backwards off the fence.

It took a few minutes for me to come back to awareness.  My head had hit one of the sharp rocks.  My hand reached for the back of my head and felt warm liquid as blood dripped through my fingers.  My body hurt all over.  My ears were ringing louder and my head was aching.  Gently, I lifted myself to my feet and brushed off the dirt.  My clothes were ripped from the rocks beneath me.  Slowly I placed my feet carefully on the rocks as I started entering the darkness.

My eyes adjusted to the dark as I strained to see beyond my out reached arms.  I fumbled as I moved forward and further toward the sound of the crying child.  I tripped in a hole and rolled my ankle.  the pain shot through and up my leg.  I reached my left hand out to catch myself and felt the cool moist rock slice open my hand.

I kept walking towards the crying and whimpering child.  What are they doing here? How did they get here?  Who would leave a child behind in this scary, cold, desolate place?

As I slipped on the moist rocks and felt water dripping on my head, I kept walking and crying.  My hands, ankle, head all hurting and now a heaviness has begun to find its way into my heart.  My whole being was feeling tortured by the darkness, isolation, cold and the crying child that seems to be getting closer.  The sorrow I was beginning to feel started to feel so personal.  The crying seemed to be coming from me rather than from outside of me.  Tears started pouring from my eyes.  Memories that seemed foreign to me began playing in my head.  What was going on?  Why was this happening to me?

I kept walking toward the crying child, but it was hard to differentiate between their crying and my crying. My heart and chest felt like they were going to explode.  I wasn't sure how I was going to survive this pain I was feeling.

I heard a sound coming from somewhere in this dark place.  I jumped and screamed.  What kind of monsters live in this dark place?  Would they hurt me?  Would they kill me?  They couldn't because they haven't killed the child in here, but maybe that is why the child is crying.  Maybe the unseen monsters have hurt this young child who is crying.  I need to get to them to save and protect them.

Walking through this darkness, I heard voices telling me stories about intense pain.  As they talked, I could feel that same pain in my body, heart and soul.  I was being haunted by what felt like someone else's memories. I could smell the stench of grief; it was pungent and bitter.  If I had not already been crying, my eyes would have started to water.  It was so strong, I wanted to plug my nose, but it was also one of those smells that you could taste if you tried to breathe through your mouth.  I gasped hoping for fresh air to breathe, but there was none.

I felt my self suffocating while I tried to walk.  By now all I could hear was my own crying that had become out right wailing   My body was shaking and shuttering.  Every inch of my body was in pain.  Every step I took over the sharp, slippery rocks sent inconceivable pain straight up my legs. My arms were so heavy, I couldn't even lift them to wipe my eyes or the snot pouring from my nose.  My chest was exploding and it felt like I had nothing left to give to myself much less that child.

With  my lungs burning and gasping for air, I kept my forward movement going.  I had to find that abandoned child.  My feet began to feel tangled and I felt myself tripping.  In my despair, I had not noticed the sharp rocks had given way to tangled vines.  It seemed as though these vines were deliberately trying to trip me and hold me in place.  I tripped and stumbled and finally fell to  my knees almost falling into a dark mirror-like pond of water.

Confused, I shook my head as if to clear the confusion from my head.  I looked in the pond, and I gasped at what I saw.  There was a young girl in the water!  The crying child was right there in the water.  But how had she survived deep in this water?  How could she cry or beg for help?  Was she really there?

I looked at her again.  She was trapped by vines that wrapped around her body and bound her upper arms to her body.  The vines wrapped around her so tightly she could barely breathe.  I could barely breathe.  My own chest felt tight and constricted.

I needed to save this little girl; somehow I needed to pull her out of the water and help her escape this pond, this cave, this grief.  I reached my hand towards the water and I saw her  struggle to reach out towards me.  My hand dipped into the water and her hand had reached out to me but where I should have felt her hand, I only felt water.  I looked again at this bound up, crying little girl and realized that she looked just like me.

Gasping from the shock of seeing this little, tortured version of me, I began to wail.  I just wanted to pick her up out of the water and hold her, comfort her, and tell her it would be okay.  But is it?  Can I really tell her that?  Was that true?  Would she, I, we be okay?  Right now we were both feeling bound up and trapped by this horrible experience and feeling.  I sat there and cried with her.  I talked to her.  When I talked, she talked too.  We we were one.

"Hi, Little One.  How can I help you?  What do you need?"

She replied, and I felt my own lips move with her words, "I need you to love and protect me.  I want to feel supported by you.  I need to get untied and be free to play. I want to laugh. I've been here too long.  I am stuck and am slowly dieing.  I am ready to return to the light; please take me."

My heart ached for her, for me, for us.  "I'm sorry.  I love you.  Please forgive me. Than you.  I promise to love you and take care of you.  I will untangle both of us, set us free and walk us out of this dark, dark place."

Her face softened and I continued, "I  understand we have been hurting and I have not been caring for you, me, us. And know that I love you and am doing my level best to make me stronger to protect us and love us.  I will shine a light on us and the way at of this darkness.  I have seen the light before, and maybe, together, we can get back there.  Not only can we see it again, maybe we can shine it for others too.  Would you like to do that?"

Immediately I feel the vines fall away and I see her reach her arms high to the sky.  She looked, and I felt,  freer than I have felt in a long time.  I reached into the water to pick her up and filled my hands with water and raised my water filled hands to my head and face.  The cool water washed over me and the young girl and myself were brought together.  My heart felt a little lighter.

I pushed myself up from the damp ground; a bit unsteady, I wobbled.  I took a deep breath, and for the first time since the clouds rolled in, my chest felt loser and breathing was easier.

Not feeling 100% myself yet, still feeling lighter than before, I contemplated how to leave the darkness.  I considered where I came from.  I remembered the treacherous, sharp rocks.  My body still held the pain and the cuts from my journey into the darkness.  I remembered how shaky and splintered that fence was.  The idea of going backward sent a shiver up my spine. And the little girl voice said, "No.  Do not look back. Going forward is the only way out."

My whole body hurt from the journey into this cave.  My feet ached.  My hands were cut.  My knees were bruised.  Even my own heart was still feeling a bit heavy.  This journey into this grief space, into this darkness, was painful, and now I had to find the strength to get out.  To move backwards was scary, but at least I knew the perils.  Moving forward into the unknown was even scarier, but at least there was hope it may be easier.  I would never know if I stayed here in this soft grassy place that had once held me captive with scratchy vines.  It was tempting to just give in and stay here in this place.  I could just stay here and sleep.  There is no light to keep me awake.  There are no people to distract me.  I could sit here in the complete darkness and accept this place as my own.  I was so tired from the journey here.  What if I just slept for a little while?

I heard the voice deep inside of me.  "No.  To sleep for a little bit, would mean to stay in the darkness forever.  Grief is meant to go through, not avoid or stay in.  You must keep walking forward.  Move towards the light."

As if my feet knew the way, they began to move one foot in front of the other.  I held my hands out to feel my way around.  It seemed as though my eyes had adjusted to the darkness because I was beginning to see better and more clearly.

The further I walked away from the mossy area around the dark pond, the harder the ground became.  But there was a big difference.  There were no more painfully, sharp rocks.  My feet only found hard, smooth surfaces to walk on.  The path leading out was wider than the path that had lead into the entrance.

As I moved forward, I felt the air get thinner and less heavy.  The suffocating humidity had disappeared.  I could breath easier.  My skin was feeling a welcome warmth caress its surface.  My heart was beginning to sing.  I heard the music in my head.  I could feel the vibrations of joy return to my whole body.  I was lighter and was gracefully moving through to what looked like light ahead.

I thought back to the start of my day and the start of this journey.  A little singing bird had brought me here into the forest.  I remembered the beauty of life.  I remembered the color of happiness.  I remembered the vibrancy of love.  I felt stronger with every step.  I kept moving.  There was a large opening up ahead and beautiful sunlight was passing through the rocky opening. The light danced off of the crystals that lined the walls of the cave.  Happy rays of color danced and sparkled.  A smile grew on my face.  I was giddy with happiness and hope.

Finally,  I reached the other side of grief and darkness and stepped out of the cave into love and light. I had saved the little girl that was me.  Together we supported each other and loved each other enough; we trusted each other enough to guide each other out of the pit of despair that was grief and into the beautiful spring sunlight with the cool gentle breeze.  I looked upon the new flowers and leaves on the trees.  I smelled the sweetness of renewed life and for the first time in a long time, I laughed and played as I chased after a butterfly that escorted me through the beautiful new adventure that had become my new life.

September 16, 2018: Another life moment that I won't get to share with Nick.

This got long and kind of tangenty..sorry.....make yourself comfortable....

Friday, while perusing Facebook, I scrolled through my news feed to find a meme from my daughter in law, Nick's widow.  She said something about missing margaritas and how she can't drink.  The ONLY reason Suzy would stop drinking her 'gitas was if she was pregnant, but I had not heard anything.  I did, however, feel like she was pregnant last week.  I was just thinking last week that it was about time for her to get pregnant and/or married.  Actually, I have been expecting her to get pregnant for a few months now.  I don't know why.  I can't explain it.  Other than to say I just felt like it was coming.  And it is something I have been preparing myself for from the very beginning.

When she and Nick first started dating and even when they got married, the idea of her having children was not even a thought.  She did NOT want children.  Nick always wanted children.  He loved kids.  But by the time Nick was getting ready to graduate from college, they had decided they would have a baby, but he had to graduate and they had to find their own place first.  She did not want to have a baby in my mom's house. 

When Nick died, and after everyone went home leaving me in the house with Suzy, Suzy and I had some long tearful conversations.  Together we cried for the loss of the man we loved.  But it was me comforting her.  She was afraid she would never be loved again.  She was afraid she would never be able to get married or have children.  Who would want her as broken as she is?  There I was, just a few weeks after losing my son, and I am comforting this young woman that I have loved for so many years... holding her, letting her cry, and telling her that one day she will love and be loved again and of course she will have children when she is ready.  I assured her that is what Nick would want for her, and that is what we would want for her when she is ready.  I meant every word of that.  I still mean every word of that.  But why did it have to be ME, the mom of the man that was just killed, that had to support the woman who just lost her husband?  Who was there for me?  I did not want to put my grief on Suzy.  She was crushed, and she was my sole focus.  Taking care of Suzy and packing up the house. 

She was so much my focus, that I wasn't there for my own children.  Even when we came home from Florida, I was still watching after Suzy and telling my own children to give her space.  When Suzy started bringing home boys, I made sure the kids supported her....even if it was hurting all of us to see her bring the men into the house.  We did our best to support her.  I did my best to support her.  I always took up for her with the kids.  ALWAYS.  Until the very end, when I couldn't handle it anymore.  I couldn't handle the  boyfriend moving into our house before the first anniversary of Nick's death.    Just because I wanted Suzy to be happy didn't mean I had put my family and myself in jeopardy, but I missed that memo somewhere.  I was so concerned about Suzy, that I neglected the mental health of myself and my family.  Thankfully, I had Naomi in therapy before Nick was killed and she had an amazing safe place to talk.  Nate on the other hand, had a girlfriend who was going through some rough stuff and making life miserable on him a the same time all of this Suzy stuff was going on.  I failed him on so many levels.

Anyway, all of this to say, I have been preparing for Suzy to get pregnant ever since Nick died and she told us they were planning on getting pregnant.  Just because I was preparing for it, does not mean that I was not going to be sad.  This is a life moment that I am missing out on with Nick.  When Nick died, nothing was left of him except his remains and memories.  The remains that Suzy has with  her.  I have a little bit.  We have them in pieces of art.  But Suzy has been scattering ashes without even inviting us or talking to us..then posting about it on FB.  So ya... nothing left of Nick. No baby.  No grandbaby from our ONE child who absolutely loved children, always had.  (Probably for the best considering how life has turned out with Suzy.)  But anyway, I was prepared for this.  I knew I would cry and mourn the loss of a dream.  I knew I would be sad.  But I also knew I would want Suzy to be happy and healthy and that her baby would be happy and healthy.  This is all I wanted for Suzy after Nick died.  But just because that is what I want for her, does not mean that it wasn't going to hurt for me.  The two things can exist in the same spot.  It's a weird bag of mixed emotions to have to sort through, honestly.

So I found out on FB that she was pregnant because of a Meme she posted about no alcohol.  I then remembered Tracy was suppose to have lunch with her when I had my breakdown and ended up in the hospital.  So I asked Tracy, "Have you had lunch with Suzy?"  He said yes.  I then asked him, "Is she pregnant?"  The look in his eyes was one of the eyes of a deer in the headlights and "Oh fuck!"  We were in the intermission of a Red Light Variety Show...it was the tail end of the intermission.  I sat through the first act after intermission in tears.  I was angry.  I was angry, not because Suzy was pregnant, but because I found out on FB and Tracy had known for almost a month and didn't tell me.  Between acts, I asked him who else knew. I was getting more and more angry.  Finally he said, after this act, we are leaving... and we did.

He said Suzy had told him at lunch and he didn't want to tell me because I was in the hospital after the break down.  He was afraid of what it would do to me.  He asked the new grief therapist about telling me.  They agreed to tell me later when I was more stable.  This therapist does not have the history with us that our previous therapist had.  She did not know what horribly bad advise this was for our marriage.  When I brought this up in the car (I was very angry), Tracy said he refused to apologize for doing what he thought was right for my mental health.  It was then that I lost all sense of calm and just saw red and told him let me out of the car.   I could not be around him anymore.  I was hurt.  His actions hurt me and he refused to apologize for those actions.  It was not about Suzy being pregnant.  It was about the way in which I found out.  I created a horrible post on FB screaming and shouting.  It was only up for maybe an hour (late at night)..maybe...before I deleted it.  Somewhere in there, Tracy said it was not Suzy's fault for not telling me.  Apparently, at that lunch, she had asked Tracy about telling me.  And he made the executive decision to not tell me.  He had asked her to block me and anyone who knows me (and might tell me) from any posts regarding her pregnancy.  He did not tell our children because he did not want them to have to keep the secret from me.  I did not know about Suzy wanting to tell me until the next day after my screaming rant...that I deleted.  I was wrong for posting that screaming rant.  Something so personal that was between me and my husband should not have been posted publicly.  (Ya.. I know this blog is doing the same thing..but in a different way.  I'm trying to get my thoughts and feelings out in a healthy way. I'm trying to express my thoughts completely so people understand.  And yes, selfishly, I do not want people to think I am mad because she is pregnant.  I don't want people to think I am some kind of monster.  Because I am not.)  I also do not want people to think Tracy is some kind of monster.  Though I think he was wrong, Tracy was doing what he thought was right.  He was trying to look out for my mental health which has been walking a very fine line.  I get it.  But, without getting into things that should not be shared publicly, I totally believe he should have told me while I was in the hospital.  1) I was in the safest place I could have been to find out.  2) I could have been working with my therapist on this for the last 3 weeks.  3) I would not have found out on FB which has now sent me on a tail spin and caused more serious damage than just me finding out Suzy is pregnant. 

Since I found out Suzy was pregnant, I have unfriended and blocked her on facebook.  It was not about being angry with her.  It was not about not being happy for her.  It certainly wasn't about not loving her.  It was about both of our mental/emotional stability.  It was an act of love for her and self-love for me.  I want her to be happy. I want her to be able to do all of the things happy excited expecting moms do...like posting pictures and baby bump updates on facebook without having to worry about blocking me from seeing them.  I wanted her to be able to be publicly happy without worrying about accidentally setting me off.  Yes, I could have just unfollowed her, but the problem is, I can be obsessive.  I know me.  I know I would have gone looking.  It would have driven me crazy.  So, it was safer for both of us, for me to unfriend and block her..so I wont go looking...and more importantly, I won't see anything from any of her friends that tag her in stuff about baby stuff.  I won't see  posts she posts on Nick's wall (if she ever does) about this stuff.  It's just safer and better for both of us.  It was an act of love and respect.  I want her to have the happy, healthy, pregnancy she deserves.  I have also sent her an email telling her that I was happy for her and that I love her, but to please understand that this is painful for me which is why I have done what I have done.  I also explained that I am not mad about her pregnancy, just in the way I found out.  (At the time,  I did not know that Tracy had told her NOT to tell me.)

Unfortunately, Tracy not telling me (or the kids) has done some damage here at home.  Nate seems to not care, like he has about most things Suzy related since she verbally assaulted him for no apparent reason.  But, Naomi, on the other hand, has been very upset.  She said Tracy didn't tell her.  She said that Nate is the one who told her...because she asked why I was mad.  (I was not home..I was still walking around Garden City in the dark after getting out of the car on the way home from leaving the Red Light Show.)  (I talked to Tracy last night and he said he called her and told her while he was on his way home after I got out of the car.  Naomi does not remember that.)  She was upset that her daddy didn't tell her and she had to find out from Nate. Naomi is still very hurt about everything that has happened with Suzy..including the verbal assault Suzy gave her when Suzy was living at home and so many other things.

Grief does weird things to people...and can make people make some very bad choices.  Our family was NOT ready for Suzy to bring boys home when she did, and it literally tore the kids apart.  I should have stopped it. I should have paid more attention to my own children instead of making sure Suzy was happy.  Because in reality, Suzy wasn't happy because I went nuts and started saying horrible things.  It was a horrible time in our house.  Anyway, Naomi is hurt.  Not about Suzy being pregnant, but because of the way things have played out in our house with the news.  Naomi said some of the same things I said to Tracy....without me saying a word.  She truly is my daughter.  She is hurting.  She is mourning her brother and what should have been.  I get it.  But I found myself having to defend Tracy's decisions...even if I didn't agree with them...and defending Suzy when I knew the truth and Naomi didn't.  I don't want Omi to think bad of Suzy for us not knowing.  That wasn't Suzy's doing.  That was Tracy's doing, and he did it out of what he thought was love and concern.  Naomi will be okay.  We will all be okay.. at least in regard to Suzy being pregnant.  It is what it is.  Suzy has moved on..and that is what she is supposed to do. 

I have one last thing to say.  There were moments, when Nick first died and we were back home in Idaho, before Suzy started really dating again, when I had this day dream of what life would look like when she fell in love again.  In my day dream, her new guy would become part of our family and when she had a baby, that baby would be like all of our other bonus children.....we would still be grand parents but in a different way.  In my day dream, we were one big happy family.  Reality is much different.  So, I find myself mourning not just the dream I had for Nick to have a baby, but also the dream I had that even after the loss of my son, the dream of still having Suzy as part of our family and still being a grandparents to her child. I am mourning my dreams all the way around. 

I harbor no resentment toward Suzy for moving on and being happy.  I only wish her well...and send her love.  While at the same time, I am tending to my own emotional safety and well being, and watching out for my own children.  And trying to find a way to be okay with Tracy's decision to not tell me which allowed for all of heart ache to happen in this way. 

If you have it in you, please send love, compassion, strength, forgiveness, empathy, understanding, grace and peace to me and my family.  We could use it right now.