April 9, 2018 I'm "That Girl"

This journey of life is interesting, if not entertaining.  This weekend, I watched as my life came full circle.  I was about to say that there are not many times in life when we can actually see and realize it's happening in the moment.  We usually only realize it in retrospect.  But this weekend, I watched my life come full circle in a really big way, at least to me.

First let's have a very quick discussion on what success means.  Most people (in the United States) determine success to be based on the income you make, the position you hold in your career, the house/zip code you live in, the car you drive... all of these things are "status symbols".  We use "status symbols" as  way to determine success.  But for a stay at home mom, our successes are often measured by what our children are accomplishing. We might measure our success by how we look.  We might measure it by how well our house is kept.  We might measure it by how well we cook or our healthy our family is.  But rarely do stay-at-home-moms measure success by what we achieve for ourselves or by ourselves; it's usually about our families.  Several months ago, while considering what success meant to me, I realized that even though I do not work outside of the home and I have not earned enough credit points on my own to receive my own Social Security when I am old, I do have things that I can consider a success, and they are not based on my children's accomplishments.  So here is how I identified my successes back in September.................

My dreams as a little girl:
1) Be a stay at home mom  (CHECK)
2) Get married to the man of my dreams and stay married through thick and thin.  We have been through just about everything a married couple can go through, and we are about to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary.   (CHECK)
3) If I HAD to work, become a secretary (CHECK)
4) I wanted to go to college to be a puppeteer.  My parents would not support that.  Instead, after having children, I went to college for Storytelling.  And later, I got to do a couple of seasons being a puppeteer at the Idaho Historical Museum!  (CHECK)
5)  I wanted to belly dance when I was little, but my mom thought it was too risque.  (CHECK)
6)  When I was a little girl in the 70's I used to watch roller derby on TV. I told my parents, "I want to do that!"  Again...not something they really supported, though they did support my roller skating.  So in my early 40's I did Fresh Meat for Treasure Valley Roller Girls. (CHECK)
7) In elementary school, I wanted so desperately to run track and be part of the track team.  I was on the team, but because I was fat and slow, they never let me participate.  I was a true bench warmer.  But in my 40's I picked up running.  I have completed something like 8 marathons, 8 half marathons and 1 ultra marathon.  (CHECK)

So yes... I do consider myself successful.  It's not the way MOST people would deem successful, but it's not their life, it's mine!

Even though I have had all of these successes (and more, which I did not list) I have still been battling my sense of worth and success.  I am pretty good at setting goals and following through with them.  I am pretty good and following my passion and bliss where ever it takes me.  But sometimes, I get caught up in what success looks like to other people who follow along some of the same lines I do.  For instance, I am a burlesque performer.  I am almost 49 years old.  I weigh 225#.  I am NOT your average burlesque performer, and I am certainly NOT the average performer here in Boise,  Idaho.  I am the oldest performing burlesque performer, and maybe the biggest.  That alone starts to weigh me down.  Sometimes I see these things and feel like they are a hindrance to my success as a burlesque performer.  But then I have to remember WHY I do burlesque.   Last November, I went to my first BurlyCon, and ever since then I have had an equal amount of Imposter Syndrome and Inspiration.  It's been a crazy emotional burlesque roller coaster for the last  6 months.  I am not sure whether I am getting better or if it's just my imagination.  Maybe I am getting better and people are just not seeing it.  I have been applying to festivals for a few years, and I get rejection after rejection.  Which is okay, but sometimes it hurts.  Again, how do we measure success?  Does getting into a festival make me a success?  It would be a success, but is that the measurement of success as a performer?  Is it for me?  How do I want to measure my success as a burlesque performer? WHY am I performing?  That is the only way to know if I am being successful.

For the last 6 months, I have been upping my game in the costume department.  I have been taking risks.  I have cried.  I have messed up so many times.  I have put together at least 4 new numbers that all needed 4 brand new costumes!    One of those numbers was "This Is Me" and required me to be the most vulnerable I have ever been on stage.  The first time it was performed it was received with tears and smiles and cheers and some people giving me a standing ovation.  Was this a success?  Yes, it was in my book.  Back stage for the last couple of shows, I have heard from showgirls that I seriously look up to, "You have grown so much!  Your stage presence is awesome!  Your costuming has really been great!"  Are those words considered successes? Yes.    But then why am I not being cast for shows by the same people who are saying these things?  What is wrong with me?  Am I still not good enough?

The week before every performance, I get a serious case of Imposter Syndrome.  "I don't belong on the stage.  What am I doing? "  Come to find out, most of the same people who are award winning and internationally travelled performers feel the same way!  Who knew?!  Okay, so how do I define success?  More importantly, when will I FEEL successful in my own book?  Yes, I would love to have other people validate my burlesque worth by accepting me into festivals or booking me for their shows.  But I need to feel successful for myself, not for them. So how do I do that?  What is it that feeds my soul?  Why do I perform?

I'm sure you have heard, "In order to be loved, you must first love yourself."  Guess what?  That doesn't just pertain to your romantic life.  It pertains to showgirl life too!  What about this one.... "Before helping your child with its oxygen mask, put yours on first."  The same applies to a burlesque performer or anyone who performs and gives of their energy first.  You must first have your cup filled before you can give some to others, and as a burlesque performer, I can guarantee you that I am giving the audience 100% of myself, my energy, my love, my ambition, my creativity, my bliss, my enthusiasm, my emotions.   So I guess success should start there first!  And that is what I have been working on this season.  I have been working on making myself better..whatever that means.  I have embraced the hash tags "#plussizeburlesque and #plussizeburlesqueperformer".  I look at my  naked body in the mirror and I LOVE what I see.  I create costumes based on this love of my body.  I create acts like "This Is Me" as a way to show the audience that no matter how many stretch marks, scars, fat, cellulite and dimples a person has, they are beautiful, strong and worthy!  My fat may be there, but it gives me more to wiggle and jiggle and the audience loves it...because I LOVE ME!

So how do I know this is working?  How do I know that I am successful? Well this weekend, I realized, "I am 'That Girl'".

Way back in like 2008/9ish I was doing roller derby.  I went on a road trip with the men's roller derby team to a bout in Salt Lake City, Utah.  We found out that after the bout, there was going to be a Burlesque show in a bar across from the Temple Square.  I was so excited!  I had not seen live burlesque.  When we arrived, we found out that it was a competition of some sort.  The audience voted for best burlesque performer based on applause. I remember watching and thinking, "I really want to do this."  My friend was with me, and she was telling me how she used to be a burlesque performer before she got into derby.  She sat there and told me what made a good performer.  She pointed things out while the various performers did their thing.  I was hypnotized.  I wanted to do that!  But how?  Later, back in Boise, I started seeing casting calls for burlesque troops, but I was too scared.  I wasn't even belly dancing yet.  I wasn't sure I could do that.  I was too fat.  Yadda yadda yadda.  But that dream never squelched....

Finally, I took a burlesque workshop and I've been playing on the stage since 2014.  I will celebrate my burlyversary in May.....  But like I said, I have been struggling with Imposter Syndrome so bad lately.  When I first performed my "This Is Me" act a month ago, I had so many people tell me how it touched their lives. I had people in the audience crying.  I had people tell me how inspired they were.  This wasn't the first time I have heard those words from audience members.  That should be enough, right?  For whatever reason, I was struggling. But that particular act heals me every time I perform it.  For that matter, every time I sing the song in my car it heals a part of me.  But this past weekend, I watched as my world came full circle and I realized that I AM THAT GIRL!

Friday night, I attended a Neo Bellydance workshop lead by Karolina Lux.  It was a workshop that used ballet, bellydance, jazz and wakking (a form of dance that was created back in the 70's in the gay dance clubs of Los Angeles).  This dance was right up my alley.  I love the sexy vibe it had, and it was the best warm up for the rest of my weekend which consisted of 2 burlesque shows.

Saturday night, I officially became a "traveling showgirl" with my first out of town gig in Twin Falls, Idaho.  I know, its only 2 hours away, but it is still out of town.  More importantly, it was performed in the historic Orpheum Theater that was built in 1921, exactly for this kind of event.  It was originally built for live theater.  And burlesque (in the United States) was just starting around that time.  The event was called "Night at the Moulin Rouge".  I was asked to provide 2 classic burlesque pieces.  "Classic" is not exactly my strong suit; I am just now starting to explore that side of burlesque.  But I was asked to perform "This Is Me" and another number.  I was thrilled to perform "This Is Me" again.  And the other act, required brand new costuming and a brand new choreography to the song I made my burlesque debut to.  My first act in the first half of the show was going to be "This Is Me".   As I waited and watched the performance ahead of mine, I took a moment to close my eyes and center myself.  A bucket list item was about to be checked off.  I get to perform in this historic theater.  A theater I had first stepped foot in back in October of last year and said, "I need to do burlesque here."  And now here I was about to take the stage.  I closed my eyes and silently said this....."Let me be an instrument of peace, grace, strength, inspiration, beauty, elegance, courage and joy.  Let me shine love on those who need it.  Let me receive love when I need it.  Let this be a moment of giving and receiving on both ends."  (This has now become my WHY for burlesque.. and my prayer before every performance)

When Ursula gave my introduction, I stood up straight and walked from the back of the dark stage out into the spot lights, lipsyncing the most powerful song I have ever heard and had the pleasure to perform to.  I could hear an audible gasp from the audience when they realized what song it was.  Even with the spotlights, I could see the faces of the first 2 rows of this theater that was packed with 350 people.  I could see the emotion on their faces.  I could see the tears.  I could see the smiles.  I could see them dancing in their chairs with  me.  They clapped along with the song.  They sang in their chairs.  They FELT  what I was feeling.  They were as inspired as I was.  It was powerful.  There I was on a stage, that just last October I said, I wanted to dance on, in front of a packed house being as vulnerable as I have ever been wearing as little as I ever have on stage.  And they loved me!

After the show, at the after party, women of all shapes and sizes came up to me and told me how I have inspired them and have given them courage.   Two women said they want to come to Boise just to see me perform.  ME!  They want to drive 4 hours round trip to watch me strip my clothes on stage!  This is so humbling.  It is such a powerful gift.  Whether they actually make it or not, the thought that they wanted to was HUGE.  But even though these words were kind, humbling, powerful, encouraging and very sweet.  It was the way in which they were delivered.  I could see it in their faces.  They were scared to interrupt me (as I was sitting with friends and family), but they really wanted to tell me how much  my performance meant to them.  These are not my regulars from my home town bar, this was Twin Falls where only a handful of people knew me.  These were total strangers being a bit timid and coming up to me and looking at me like I was some kind of "starlet".  I was so very humbled by this experience, while at the same time feeling very uplifted.  Why?  Because in 2008 sitting at a table in Salt Lake City, I felt  that very same way.  I was enamored and in awe of the women on the stage giving us their all.  I was inspired.  And I, in no way, had the courage to walk up to them and talk to them. I felt like they were way out of my league.  They weren't of course, but I felt like they were.  And now, here I am.......I am THAT GIRL.. the one the other women shyly approach and say all the things I wanted to say to the performers in Salt Lake City.

After performing Saturday night, I thought for certain, I would never fall asleep.  My heart was overflowing with so much love for what burlesque has given me.  My heart was over flowing for the love of the women that came up to me.  My heart was over flowing for the love I felt from that entire audience.  My heart was over flowing because I KNEW I was living MY dream and THAT alone makes me successful!

Then last night happened.

Sunday night at Make Em Blush Burlesque was Kamakaze Burlesque.  It was an improv competition.  We were going to do 2 acts.  The first act would be to a song that one of the other contestants had done an act to.  The 2nd act would be to a song that the producers had provided, and we would be using a prop that the producers provided for that song.  Even though we were given the entire list of possible songs to dance to, we did not know which songs we would dance to until we took the stage for that particular act.  We would not know what prop we would use until we drew the piece of paper with the prop listed on it.  It was scary (in a good way).  And I had actually forgotten that it was a competition.  I packed my tubs with one classic costume and one "trashy" costume.  The first song I chose was Juicy Wiggle. I had already told everyone that if I chose that song, I knew exactly how I would dance to it.  When Mimi pulled that song for me, she laughed cause she knew what was coming.  There I was in a classic panel skirt and a boa, and I had Juicy Wiggle and I was going to be very silly on stage!  The audience ate it up!  They were cheering and clapping and laughing.  It was entirely too much fun on stage!  Once the music stopped, I did my usual curtsy and blowing of kisses and walked off stage.  I later found out that I received a standing ovation.  Sweet!  The 2nd half, I stood on stage and pulled 3 pieces of paper out of the "hats".  My song was "Diamonds are a girls best friend" by Marilyn Monroe.  My prop was a stick horse.  And the third piece of paper gave me the option to choose a different song.  I really thought I wanted the "Thong Song", but I decided to stick with what I originally pulled from "the hat".  My leopard print costume would work great with the stick horse and the juxtaposition of trashy and classic song was too much to pass up!  I gave it my all!  The audience cheered and clapped and laughed and had a great time.  I found myself up there pulling off silly AND classic all at the same time. I found myself "eye fucking" the audience in a really good way.  I felt amazing up there on stage!  THIS IS SUCCESS!  This is what it feels like.  Little did I know.....

I  had forgotten this was a competition.  To me it was just time to play on a stage and have fun.  But when I finished my second song, Stella Sin, met me at the stairs and said that she and Juicy had decided that I was the one who was going to win.  The audience was losing their minds over me.  When she said this, I could hardly believe that it could be true.  But there was a part of me that said, "Yes, Martha, it is true. It's okay to know it and embody it.  You don't need to play small for anyone."  Wow.  I had been playing small my entire life. Why?  Because I didnt' want to be seen.  I didn't want to over shadow anyone.  I was always the chubby side kick; I was never the popular star.  So why should this be any different?  I'll tell you why.  Because I am different!  I am no longer that chubby side kick.  I am my own powerful person who loves her body in all its various shapes over the years.  I am sexy. I am fierce.  I am powerful.  I am courageous.  I am creative.  I am funny.  I am glamorous. I am elegant. I am the clown.  I evoke emotion. I am emotion.

Finally the show was over with and we were all called up on the stage.  Fancy Fanny, Juicy Vendetta, Stella Sin and myself.  We stood on the stage holding each other's hands in anticipation.  We were silly and chanted.. "World peace, world peace."  We were doing our best pageant girl anticipation imitations.  Finally, MuffJones said, "And the winner is.... Leazetta Rose!"  At first I was faking my surprise and playing the ham because I was on stage, after all.  But, a second later, I felt it in my soul.  I AM THAT GIRL!  And I had to hold back tears.  I realize this was a "silly improve game".  But it was serious to me.  It may not be some huge accolade from a big burlesque festival.  I may only be a little tiny local friendly competition all for the fans.  But it was the audience who voted.  And for once, I didn't have the audience stacked with my friends and family.  I had my husband (who didn't even get to vote) and then friends I know, but am not close to and all of the regulars (which is how most of them became my friends to begin with).  But those same people are friends with the other amazingly talented women I shared that stage with.  So it wasn't like I had the audience stacked in my favor.  "They love me.  They really love me!" LOL

I stepped forward and received my little plastic trophy.  It might as well have been made of pure gold!  I love what it stand for so much!  I held this trophy in my hand, and curtsied and blew kisses and felt the love from the audience.  I saw their smiles.  I felt their love and I gave it right back to them.  They are the reason I am on that stage.  If they weren't there, there would be no one to strip for!

When I got home, I was on cloud 9.  But just as I was hitting the bed, it really hit me. "Oh my god!" I said.  "Tracy, I really AM 'that girl'!   I just realized  and remembered that the first burlesque show I went to was a competition with the audience voting just like tonight and I so wanted to be the women on that stage, and tonight I was!  And I won!!!!!  I AM THAT GIRL!!!"

I don't know if I will ever get accepted into a festival.  I don't know if I will ever perform out of the state.  But what I do know is that I dance for myself.  I perform because I have to.  I perform because I love myself.  I perform because it is my way of giving back to a wider audience.  By loving myself and showing that love on stage, I give the audience permission to love themselves in the same manner.. no matter what their bodies look like.  When women come up to me and say, "I wish I could do what you do."  I hug them and tell them, "You absolutely can, and I will be there to cheer you on!  You are beautiful! Come play with me!"  Some may.  Some may not.  But I dance to give back to them.  I dance to give them courage.  I dance to receive their love.  I dance to show myself love.  I dance to be an instrument of peace, grace, strength, inspiration, beauty, elegance, courage and joy.  And this is what success looks and feels like.....being THAT GIRL!

March 10, 2018 A Rite Of Passage

My heart is so filled with love and gratitude this morning.

Last night was Global Concepts (a night when all of the belly dancers of our community are invited to dance and reunite with our sisters from other troupes).  This event is always held at a bar called The Balcony in downtown Boise.  It's always a great time, but for years, Naomi has been left out of these performances. Why?  Because she was just too young.  In July, she turned 18 years old.  We thought the law for being able to perform in a bar was 19 years old, but we found out recently that it was 18!  As soon as we found that out, we all got excited!

Last night, was Naomi's first Global Concepts.  It was also her first time in any bar!  Our first thought was excitement that she was going to be able to perform with our sisters.  But our next thought was to make sure that we did everything correctly to make sure Samira stayed in good standing with the bar and so that the bar didn't get into trouble with having an "underage" person in the bar.  The law states that 18 - 20 year olds can be in a bar as "employees", and as a performer, Naomi would be considered an employee.  Naomi and I had it planned out. She would be completely dressed for performing before we left the house. She would wear her dance company hoodie. She would be dressed for the part so there was no mistaking what she was there for.  We had planned on taking a picture outside of the entrance to mark the day.  And that is exactly what we did.

Once we walked into the Balcony, we were greeted (before we even got into the door) to go inside by the owner/manager.  "Is this our 18 year old dancer?"  I was surprised by this.  (Now as I think about this, I wonder if maybe there is a camera at the main enterance where we stopped to take a selfie..so she saw us coming.)  After being carded, they marked Naomi's wrist with a very specific mark so that everyone knew she was "underage".  The manager, grabbed the bartenders attention and pointed Naomi out and made sure that the bartender KNEW that Naomi was the "underage" kid they knew was coming.  Then the manager escorted us back to the dressing room (to make sure Naomi didn't go where she wasn't suppose to go).  The instructions, "You are welcome to perform, but you must leave as soon as you are done."  Thanks to Samira, Naomi was given permission to sit just outside of the dressing room curtain along the opposite side of the dance floor from the bars.  She was sitting/standing alone or with people who had NO ALCOHOL around her.  She had to drink out of a water bottle bought at the bar and a can of Redbull; this way they knew there was no alcohol in her cups.

We made sure to take pictures, like usual.  But this day was important to capture.  It was a rite of passage for her.  For years she has watched as her older dance sisters got to go and dance at the bar, while she had to stay at home.  And now, it was her time! 

When she walked into the dressing room, she was greeted with hugs and cheers and welcomes.  It was like a birth. There was this curtain that separated her from a life she once knew to a brand new life as an "adult performer", and there were her sisters ready to welcome her with open arms and lots of love and support.  Then of course, there were the typical, "We are not ready for you to be this old!" statements.  Naomi has grown up in this belly dancing community.  She was 11 or 12 when we started dancing.  I remember her first performance, Mearah, didn't want the young girls to have their bellies hanging out just yet.  Naomi wore a big skirt and a top that covered her belly.  She performed in a retirement center.  Now here she is nearly 7 years later...tattoos, belly piercing, dancing in dance bras or crop tops and pants and "human belts".  She started in Cabaret style dancing and is now in Fusion dancing.  She has grown so much.  And these women that have taught her and supported her through everything the teenage years have thrown at her, were there last night to witness this rite of passage.  The "Grandmother" of our bellydancing lineage was there last night.  While Naomi has never danced with Sidonia, Sidonia has watched Naomi grow up on stages around Boise.  As Naomi sat at her special table along the dressing room curtain, Sidonia went over to visit with her, give her hugs.  Everyone was so excited to have Naomi there and dancing.  Naomi was surrounded by love and community. 

I am so grateful for the strong, elegant, intelligent, talented, graceful, fierce women that have helped me raise such an amazing young woman!  I love my dance sisters more than they will ever know.  I am grateful for all of the teachers we have had over the years.  I am grateful for the strength Naomi has gained because of bellydance.  This is the best thing I could have ever done for her...  It takes empowered women to raise empowered girls, and that is what belly dance does! 

Here's to my amazing sisters!  I love you all!

February 16, 2018 Back in the Game....

...of Art and Science that is.

This past week has been pretty amazing, if not a little stressful on the brain.  It started with an amazing burlesque show on Sunday at Pengilly's where I did my Code Monkey act and a new act called Three Fandoms.  I was asked to close the show with my new act.  Closing the show is a kind of a big deal.  It is the last thing people see before the curtain call.  It leaves them with an impression and something to think about before the next show 2 weeks later.  That act was an act of love.  Over 3000 rhinestones were hand placed onto the costume pieces.  I got to bring out my favorite super hero, Green Lantern.  That piece required me to put in technology into the costume which was a first for me.  It also allowed me to really connect to the part of me that creates my own personal power; which is what Green Lantern represents to me.  People think burlesque is just stripping, but to the performer it is so much more!  It is about empowerment and art and being as vulnerable and authentic as possible.  I get so much from it.  And I love to see the audience get the joy from my acts.  It was a magical night of performing.  And by Monday morning, my head was kinda toast.

Technology going into my Green Lantern Costume

Code Monkey Costume

The 4th Doctor Who for my Three Fandom's Act.

But Monday morning, I had to roll out of bed anyway.  I had Art Docent training.  I am training to be a Art Docent for the School Tour program at the Boise Art Museum (BAM).  Years ago, back in Arizona, I used to teach the Art Masterpiece Program which was contained inside of my children's school.  But it was basically the same thing.  Each month, we had a new artist and used the prints that were in the school and the script given to us to go in and teach the classes.  It was tons of fun.  But when we moved here to Idaho, there was nothing like that.  I tried teaching art in Naomi's class rooms, but the funding wasn't there and I couldn't do it properly.  Recently, I decided that it was time for me to get out and give back to my community and find a way to work my brain.  I LOVE  the art museum, and after receiving an email from them asking if I would be interested, I decided to check it out.

Now I am in in full-fledged training.  Monday was my first actual training where we talked about what makes a good art conversation and tour to keep our student engaged.  I also received a thick packet to read which contained the prep material for the teachers who bring their student and my own script for the exhibition that we give the tour for.   Wednesday I met with my mentor who went over my trainee check list and a few other things.  Yesterday, I followed another docent and observed her tour which was given to a class of 7 two, three and four year olds.  To my surprise they were quite attentive for being so young and they actually grasped some of the difficult concepts she was discussing; even though, the docent was doing her best to meet them at their level.  It was definitely an interesting experience to observe and I loved every minute of it.  It actually made me feel better about being an Art Docent.  I was worried, that the brain damage would make this difficult, but after watching her I realized it was much like what I used to do in AZ and I can handle this.  And I am teaching the same thing over and over again as long as that exhibit remains in the museum.  So that is a HUGE Help.  Reposition will be key for me here.  Then to cap off my week of being back in the game, I went to an art lecture at BAM.  It was a comparison lecture on the use of "Mud"  (pottery).   They  had a Geology professor from BSU talking about the chemical make of of clay and glaze which was amazing.   I found myself taking notes on elements and the atomic make up of clay and how colors are made.  It was geeky and fascinating.  When he was finished, Garth, the Curator of Ceramics from the Arizona Statue University Art Museum spoke about the art of Clay, but in a way I just wasn't prepared for.  I totally expected him to talk about pottery found in the Native American ruins in AZ.  But what he brought to us was this beautiful slide show about what he felt clay was.  And he used words like Clay is.......emotion, performance, erotic.  It was fascinating, deep, beautiful, exciting, inspirational.  I was so moved and totally enamored by his presence and passion for pottery.  (If you live in Arizona, you really need to get to the museum at ASU!!!!!!  There is a big party/exhibit Feb 22-24 at ASU.. get to it!)

By the time I was done at the museum last night, my brain was so happily exhausted and over worked.

I am grateful that this afternoon, Tracy and I are taking off for Baker City, Oregon.  I have been wanting to go there for so long.  We are staying in a haunted, historic hotel.  We will be visiting an art gallery and some museums and I can not wait to get away with Tracy and relax for a bit.  We certainly need it.   Here's hoping my brain can get some rest, because I need to be able to come back and get back to studying for my Docent stuff and get back to creating more burlesque stuff and work on my choreography for belly dance!

It feels amazing to be back doing the things that I love and stretching my brain.  But wow, twice in 3 weeks, I listened to lectures from Collegiate Doctors about elements that make up either Galaxies or media we use for art.  It's amazing the over lap. It's amazing that my brain hasn't exploded!

Here's to fun adventures and creative growth!!!!

Me going into BAM for the Mud lecture

February 2, 2018 Isn't it Sublime....

Yesterday was an interesting day.

I woke up to see my friend Tawnia posting on Facebook looking for someone who might want to have breakfast with her.  I was excited to see it. She and I had not met face to face, and had only recently become friends on Facebook.  She lost her son 2 months ago and we had bonded over that.  That is our connection.  This week is her birthday week, and I know what all of that feels like.  She had asked people to send her pictures or messages about her son for her birthday.  I did not know her son, but I know how much that stuff means.  I *wished* I had pictures or stories for her.  But I COULD go to breakfast with her!  So we made a plan to meet as soon as I dropped Omi off to school.

As I took Naomi to school, I told her that I was meeting Tawnia.  Naomi then informed me (and she must have before, but I don't remember it at all) that she was friends with Talon (Tawnia's late son). Talon and Naomi had gone to school together in 8th grade and Naomi adored him.  This information was not lost on me.  I was excited to share this with Tawnia. I knew this would make her smile.  And I knew right then and there that both Talon and Nick had arranged this breakfast for Tawnia and me. 

I had a lovely breakfast with Tawnia. We talked about our boys.  We talked about our surviving children. We talked about grief.  We just visited and shared tears.  It was lovely meeting with her and exchanging hugs. We left with hugs and "i love yous".  Seems so odd to tell someone you just met, "I love you" but when you share something as deep as this grief that not everyone understands and shares, it makes you pretty close pretty quickly.  I left her feeling grateful for our new friendship and bond.

I left the restaurant and went straight to JoAnn's to find some things to make pasties for my next performance.  But first I had to make a pit stop at the bathroom.  While I was in there, I started feeling really off.  My head was hurting and I could feel and *see* my pulse through my eyes.  Every time my hear beat, my eyes would go dark.  My chest felt tight.  It was all very odd.  I did my shopping and left.  I decided to go play Pokemon on the way home, but this feeling in my chest was getting worse. You know it's bad when I don't feel like playing Pokemon.  I went home and took my blood pressure with my mom's machine. It was too high for me. I NEVER have high blood pressure...not even on the low end of high.    After looking up heart attack symptoms for women and talking with Tracy, we decided I needed to go to the doctor.

I went to Urgent Care thinking they would just take my blood pressure and do an EKG. They did that.  But they also decided I needed to go to the ER.  They called an ambulance and I got a trip without sirens to the ER.  In the ambulance, I was given 2 doses of nitro and some asprin.  Once in the ER, I received my 3rd EKG and all of the EKG results were good.  But the doctors wanted a blood test to rule out the heart attack.  The first blood test came back good.  But there is a margin of error so they wanted 2 more blood tests drawn out over time.  I was in the ER until 945 or so.  All test results came back good.  But they were concerned that *maybe* my breakfast talking about grief caused some kind of panic response..or my blood pressure to rise and that could be a warning of something bigger.  So they want me to follow up with a specialist and make sure I don't have any issues.  Great.  Now I will be seeing a cardiologist at least for some stress tests.

To be clear, I was NOT feeling agitated or panicky at all. I was grateful and feeling happy after my breakfast with Tawnia.  It was a lovely breakfast and I do not believe in any way that my breakfast was the cause of this issue.  Silly doctors just assume that if you are talking about such horrible things that THEY can't imagine happening, that it MUST cause stress enough to make my heart go wonky. They have no idea the kind of strength I have.  That's a little un-nerving. I know they are just trying to empathize and just trying to help me. But telling me that I cant handle talking about my son 3 years after his death is a little..ummm.. whats the word?  Let's just say, I am not fragile! At least not in that way. 

Anyway, we came home and sat in the hot tub with Omi for a bit. While in the hot tub we talked some more about Talon. Naomi shared some more stories about him.  I need to message Tawnia and tell her.  But then as we were getting out of the hot tub, I started singing and old Sublime song...this one...

I just sang the opening ling, and Naomi picked up the rest and started singing it word for word. This song is OLDER than her. I was shocked she could sing it word for word.  I said, "Wow!  The fact that you can sing that Sublime song that is older than you word for word means someone has done something right." I knew it wasn't me. And then instantly she said, "It was Nick."  "It was Nick."  I smiled as I heard her say that and I walked into my bedroom. 

I laid in bed and had the dorkiest smile on my face.  Nick wanted to make sure I knew he was there.  He was there yesterday morning making sure I was visiting with Tawnia.  And he was there last night letting me know I was okay and he was still watching over everything.  I laid in bed as I listed to him talk to me.  He said he was with Talon and they are hanging out. He  told me he was glad that Tawnia and I connected.  Then he laughed as he made sure I remembered why he knew this song to begin with.  I  laughed at this memory, and I don't think I have shared it before.

When Nick was in elementary school in 1997, I decided to pick up the Sublime album. My taste in music was starting to expand. Tracy HATED Sublime or anything that wasn't country at the time.  The CD case had a parental advisory on it, because as you can see this song had "bad words".  It also talked about inappropriate things like violence and drugs.  Anyway, the CD case had a clown on it or something like that.  Nick knew he wasn't allowed to listen to these CDs.  But for whatever reason, he took the CD to his friends apartment across the parking lot.  His friend's mom found it and got PISSED.  She came over with the CD case in hand and accused my son of being a bad influence on her child (who was a hellion in his own right). I was so mad at Nick for taking the CD over to this kids house.  I was mad at him for disobeying me. I was ashamed that I got busted for having such music around where my kids could get to it.  (My how my life has changed.)

After talking to Nick about it, his response was, "Well it had a clown on the cover, so I thought it was kid friendly."

Does THAT look kid friendly to you? Ya... I don't think so either.  Nick was totally playing me. That little shit!  LOL

He totally got busted.  But the fact is, he loved that band, we laughed about it until the day he died.  It is a great memory, and I had forgotten about it.  I'm so glad that Nick came to visit and shared this memory with me last night.  I can not even begin to express the level of contentment, peace and happiness I had last night while falling asleep. It was like he was alive and well again.  No, I was not hallucinating; nor did I crash when I remembered he was dead. I knew along he was dead.  But for a moment, it felt like he was right there beside me and I was so freaking happy.  I love those moments.  And I am "okay" this morning knowing that he is not really here in the physical because I know that when I need him, he is ALWAYS here by my side and with his family.  He's a good egg that boy of mine! 

With that said...... "Lovin'.. is what I got!" And isn't it sublime!

January 27, 2018 I Caught The Wave

It's been a little over 3 years since Nick was taken from us.  During the anniversary time frame, I was having a heck of a time.  But after the anniversary, I seemed to be okay for the most part.  I "bounced" back.  I don't really like to focus on grief.  I have a very full life that I love to live.  But every once in a while, the wave comes in while I'm in the ocean, and I find myself riding the wave into shore....

I must have caught this most recent wave way off of the shore line, cause I have been riding it for probably a couple of weeks now.  It has been a nice gentle wave that just keeps going.  There is nothing big about it. There is nothing really scary about it.  It just is.  It's one of those long slow easy waves that just keeps going and going until you get to shore. 

It started a couple of weeks ago when I looked up Michaeleen Blair to see if there is an obituary for her.  There isn't.  The woman who took my son's life is now 86 years old and still kicking.  I seriously want to write to her.  Sometimes I want to tell her that I forgive her and other times I want to write to her and tell her how horrible she is, and she can't even begin to think that the "settlement" given to Suzy was near enough to make up for the damage she has done.  So that is where it started; that is where I caught the wave.  I should forgive her for myself, but what would that mean to me? Would it mean that I would let go of my son; that I have come to some terms that say it is "okay" that my son is dead?  Not sure I can go there.

I stopped looking her up.  Until I can decide what to do with those feelings, I can't keep looking at them.  But the reality is, I had better speak my peace before she dies.

Even though, I stopped looking her up, the wave keeps going.  I am balanced on this surf board and living my life.  At times I am feeling the ocean breeze through my hair and enjoying the peaceful ride remembering the times at the beach with Nick.  I smile.  I laugh.  I feel warm inside.  Then I feel the pull again.

A friend wants to go to Universal Studios in Orlando and he wants me to go with him.  I want to go.  But I also realize the last time I went to Universal Studios was with Nick and the rest of the family.  And if I go to Florida, I would want to go to "the corner" and put flowers down at the memorial sign.  Now I feel the pull even harder.  I am feeling the NEED to go to Florida and visit that corner. 

A month or so ago, another angel mom posted a picture of the place where her son took his own life.  She asked me if I ever felt drawn to the place where Nick was killed.  The answer is "Yes, at least once a year, I feel drawn to that corner."  Usually that time of year is around the anniversary or at Nick's birthday.  To me the idea of being drawn to "the corner" is kind of crazy.  I feel Nick with me all of the time.  He shows up all of the time.  (As a matter of fact, he showed up today..more on that later.)  So WHY do I feel drawn to "the corner"?  He is not there.  It won't bring him back.  But for whatever reason, I feel drawn.  I am feeling pulled something fierce right now.  Like, it is taking everything I have NOT to jump on a plane right now.  I really want to go.  As a matter of fact, we were supposed to be in Florida in May for one of Nick's friend's wedding. But the wedding is happening the same weekend as Naomi's graduation so we are not going.  I knew that if we went, we would be visiting "the corner".  Maybe that is why I am feeling the need to go.  I had already planned on going, and now I'm not.  Maybe that is why I keep looking at vacations that will take me to Florida.  *shrug*

Being a grieving parent is a special kind of thing.  I do not want to exclude dad's from this grief.  But I never see dad's posting on Facebook and expressing their grief.  I take that back.  I know of one dad who does, and I am grateful for his bravery and I honor his process.  I honor all grieving parents.  I know my hubby grieves and I honor his process.  But the women seem to be more vocal.  In the last couple of weeks I have connected with 2 (new to me) moms who have lost their boys.  One lost hers 2 months ago and the other so many years ago.  Maybe THAT is the reason I am still on this wave of grief. I have been talking and connecting with them.  I do not think this is a bad thing.  We need to be there for each other.  I just think that maybe this is why I am still on this wave.  *shrug*  It's okay.  I'm glad I can be there for others who know this pain.  It takes a community to help carry us when we can't carry ourselves.  I am grateful for the community of Angel Moms that I am part of.  It helps to know that I am not alone.  It helps to know that if the wave throws me off of my surf board, they will be in the water to help me stay afloat and not drown.

This morning, the wave was still gently pushing me toward the sandy shore.  I was reading through Facebook and another friend had posted a press release from a near by police/sheriff department.  A car had been found idling on the side of a highway.  They sheriff saw tracks in the snow and they followed the tracks that ended at the river.  Come to find out, the owner of the car had just found a suicide note from her son...   The boy was found in the icy waters.  Instantly, I felt those waves I had been riding get tumultuous.  I could feel myself starting to lose my balance.  Tears started building in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.  I could hear the knock on the door from the police to notify her that her son was dead.  I instantly remembered the phone call I had when I got the news.  I could visualize the police at my mom's house at her door giving my mom and daughter in law the news of Nick's death.  I could feel my balance wavering; I was going to hit the water any minute now.

I responded to the post I saw and then closed Facebook.  I was in the parking lot of Michael's craft store.  I had things to do today.  I can feel this, but I need to keep moving forward.  I got out of the car and walked into Michael's focusing on the burlesque show I am getting ready for.

Just as I entered the store, to my right, was a section of beach themed decor.  The beach, the ocean, the waves are where Tracy and I always feel drawn.  We love the beach life. We live with Radio Margaritaville playing in the background all of the time.  Heck last night, we got all dressed up in island attire to head out to a tropical themed night at a local bar; and its freezing outside!  But anytime we can feel the feeling of the tropics is a good time.   I felt my soul starting to calm down.  I felt "island way of thinking" starting to sink in and that grief wave I had been riding had started to calm down.  I had regained my balance on that board.  I wasn't going to be thrown into the ocean anymore. 

I continued looking through the store.  I had gone in there for Gem-Tac, but I also needed to look for ideas for a prop and I wanted to take a look at some painting supplies.  As I wandered around the store, I felt drawn to these little miniatures.  I thought they were like "fairy garden" decorations.  But they were beach themed decorations.  They had little shallow mini pails that you could put sand and glass stones in and these little miniatures to make a landscape of a beach or pool or whatever.  Then I heard it, "Mom, I'm here.  Just keep looking. I'm here.  Find me."  Nick does this so often. I will be in or near a store, and I will hear him tell me that he is there.  That basically means there is a rubber ducky somewhere near by and I need to find it.  It's his way of showing me that he is with me all of the time, or in times when I really need him. And I DID just feel like I was about to get thrown off the surf board and into the ocean. 

I started to seriously scan the decorations.  First I found a tiny swan shaped "float".  I thought, "Wow! That is cool!"  (If you don't know me, the swan is an animal that I feel very connected to for spiritual reasons, and my first tattoo was a swan that Nick helped me design.)  I continued looking, and there at the bottom, was a figurine that was an above ground pool and it had a rubber ducky float in it.  There he was... Nick.  Nick had shown up in the form of a rubber ducky... in the section that was all about beach and tiki bar life.  It was perfect. 

I still feel drawn to "the corner"  really strongly.  I do not know if I will get to go, and I still don't even know WHY I feel drawn there.  Maybe it's because a piece of me was left there and I need to get it back.  But will I ever be able to get it back?  I mean it's not like it will bring Nick back.  So why do I feel like I need to go there?  All I know is that it feels like a primal NEED.

For right now, I will be grateful for all of the ways that Nick comes to visit me and to share his love.  I'm sure this wave will hit the shore soon and I will be able to relax in the warm sand and enjoy the gentle ocean breezes and smile.  For now I will remain grateful and focused on love and keep moving forward.

January 5, 2018 Live Your Life!!!!

Today was an interesting day.  I went to bed last night with a plan, but I woke up and the plan had changed.  Then it changed again.  Actually, it changed a few times and found a couple of blessings within the changes.

My original plan was to get up when Tracy had to get up (at 8am) and throw on my hiking clothes, get the Yaktrax and hiking poles and head up to Corrals for a 6 mile hike.  The alarms went off.  Tracy finished his shower and I was still in bed.  He asked if I wanted to take him to work after a meeting he had.  Okay.  The meeting shouldn't be long.  This works out.  I love being able to spend extra time with him when I take him to work.  And I might even be able to have lunch with him if I get my hike done in time.  So, yay!  The first change to my plans had been happily made.  But as time continued to slip on by, I realized it was getting later and later.  I continued to get my things ready to go.  I couldn't find my Yaktrax.  I thought, "That's okay.  I will be able to go by and pick some up on the way out."  However, Tracy's meeting that was supposed to be short ended up being rather long.  So long, in fact, that I had to scrub the mountain trail all together. The hike was going to take too long to get anything else done today.

I changed my plans a second time.  I decided to go to the greenbelt off Park Center Blvd.  I would walk the 6 mile out and back from the Quarry Building to Barber Park and back.  Most of it is a bird sanctuary and non paved path. It is beautiful there.  I love to walk there, and I wouldn't need any special equipment and I could still get my 6 miles in (just on flatter/quicker terrain).  The joke was on me.  That path was nothing but an ice rink.  My plans changed again. Instead of 6 miles, I decided I would do 4 miles (2 miles out, 2 miles back). On the way in, I stopped and took pictures of a beautiful Eagle and a Heron on opposite sides of the river from each other.  I watched as sparrows flitted about.  Of course there are always geese and ducks around.  And I even got far enough to see my favorite swan, only to find out that 1 swan had multiplied into 4!  What a delight! I made friends with a couple of dogs.  I said good morning to runners and walkers.  I watched in awe as a man in his waders walked thigh deep into the Boise River to fly fish.  It was a beautiful day!  The walk was VERY slow going.  I didn't even have my snow boots on. I had street running shoes on, which meant I had no traction.  I slipped and slided, but I never fell.  Today's objective of miles, pace, and strength building was changed to, miles and balance/core training.

Once I got to the 2 mile mark and turned around, I decided to start listening to one of the songs I am doing a burlesque routine to next week.  I need to choreograph it, and I hadn't even started yet.  So I turned it on and listened to it over and over and over again. I think I had a good idea where to start now. That is something.  If I was losing valuable rehearsal time to a very slow, beautiful walk, might as well listen to the music and put my thinking cap on :). While I listened to my music on the way back, I noticed 3 different trees that I had completely missed on my way in.  These 3 trees had been decorated with Christmas decorations!  Such a random and beautiful surprise.  And that is when this walk went from "Get the miles in" to "Deep profound lessons".

Nature has a way of teaching us invaluable lessons.  Today's walk was no different, except that some humans had a part in today's lesson.  It is so easy to use the excuses, "It's too cold outside." or "There is still ice on the paths" or "I don't have the right equipment" or "I woke up late" or "That meeting ran late" or "I'm just too tired" or any other excuse you feel fits the  bill to not get out and do something or to not take a risk or to not live your life.  It is really easy to stay inside of your comfort zone where everything is predictable and controlled.  It's easy to stay in the house, on the couch, in a warm blanket beside a flickering fire place with the Netflix playing.  It takes a bit of effort, to put on 3 layers of clothes, find the cloves, coat and hat and drive a bit to go be in nature, in the cold weather.  Then it takes even more work to get out of the car and walk on the icy path.  It takes commitment to your goal and plans.  It takes stepping outside of your comfort zone. 

But what happens when you step outside of your comfort zone?  Do you get stuck in looking at every step you take.  Are you so focused on where you are placing your feet that you forget to look up and the beauty around you?  Do you get so worried about the little details that you forget the big picture around you?  Are you so afraid of failing that you forget that the best part of the journey is just being alive and experiencing this life as we know it?  Do you find excuses to turn around or do you keep on moving forward? 

I'm not saying that it is wrong to change your plans or your goals.  What I am saying, is check your reasons. Check your motivations.  Don't let yourself get comfortable and stop living your life!  Don't let yourself get old!  (Okay, that last statement might seem out of context, but I promise you, it will make sense in a few minutes.)

As I was saying, I had turned around at the 2 mile mark and now that I had already walked those same 2 miles, I was feeling a little more secure in my footing and where to walk.  It freed up my gaze and allowed me to do some more looking up and around.  And there I saw these beautiful trees decorated with Christmas ornaments.  And I remember thinking, "If I had still been so scared of falling, if I had turned around sooner, I may have never been blessed with such simple joy and the gift that was given to me in this moment!"  I felt so grateful for my life and my health. I felt so grateful for the amazing place in which I live.  Let's face it, Boise is beautiful.  Idaho is magnificent. And it's not just the beautiful outdoors, its the people that live here and share it with us.  It can be freezing outside, but there are still people out riding their bikes, fishing in the frigid waters, walking their dogs along the trails and kids out playing by the ponds.  And to top it off, you have people who are out there leaving random acts of joy on trees :).  This place is magical!

Once I finished my 4 miles, I got back in my car and my heart was filled with gratitude. I immediately started making plans for where I would go next. I need more Yaktrax. I also needed a pump for my bicycle.  This would require 2 different stops.  I didn't have time for 2 different stops.  I have burlesque stuff to do.  Something  kept telling me that I needed to go to Meridian Cycles.  "You can go to REI tomorrow.  You need to go to Meridian Cycles today."  Well okay then. I decided that I would make the stop at Meridian Cycles for the bike pump. 

I walked in, and a young man asked if he could help me. I told him what I was looking for and we walked to the back of the shop.  Once I got back there, I saw my friend Kurt.  I had no idea he was in there today.  As a matter of fact, I thought he no longer worked there at all.  So it was a great surprise to see his smile and warm eyes.  We exchanged hugs, and I finished picking up my pump.  But then we stood there and visited for a while.  We started talking about "getting old".  He is older than me.  I still don't know how old he really is; he keeps that pretty close to the cuff.  But as we talked he told me about a friend of his that was in his mid to late 60's who had just taken his own life a couple of days ago.  He told me that his man used to be a very active person but his arthritis and the meds he took for them had taken "life as he knew it" away.  And the last thing he had told Kurt was "Never get old". 

We aren't talking about age. We are talking about letting age get the best of you.  When you stop getting out and living your life, when you start making excuses to take on new adventures, you allow your brain and your emotions to get old.  When you stop moving, your body says, "Oh.  It's time to get old and stay inside and wait for death to come."  For some people that time comes entirely too early; I'm talking in their 30's!  We as a western civilization have stopped moving. We have opted for a comfortable and safe life.  But is it really safe?  Nope.  Sitting inside where it is warm and comfortable might keep you from breaking a leg on the ice or getting a concussion if you slip and fall, but it is not going to keep you healthy (emotionally or physically).

I have had this conversation with my other friend Brandon for years!  We talk about this in reference to our parents who are aging.  We talk about this in reference to my own knee and health.  Just like Kurt's friend, some things have been "taken away from me".  I have been told I can no longer do certain things for risk of another concussion or risk of having another knee replacement entirely too early.  And as that list of things grew, I started to feel so old.  I started to feel like I couldn't do anything.  I went from being an ultra marathon runner, roller skater, cyclist, Zumba instructor and dancer to being able to walk, riding in only good weather conditions, skating I'm NOT supposed to do, and Zumba got lost when I hit my head.  I really had to have a good long talk with myself.  I could pout and cry about what I couldn't do.... OR... I could get off my arse and do what I CAN do!!!  And I can celebrate every step I take..whether its dancing or walking.  I don't have to accept a life lived from the couch!  And I won't.  And you shouldn't either!  There is ALWAYS SOMETHING that we can do!

Get out there and  live your life.  You are only given one life, get out there and enjoy it!  Watch the birds.  Find unexpected gifts hanging from trees.  Listen to your intuition when it says, "No go here, instead of there." You might run into a friend who really needs a hug.  Make plans with your friends.. go have tea, beer, a walk, sushi..whatever.. get out there and spend time with them. You have no idea how long you have with them here on this planet.   Encourage your friends to get up and live their lives. Support their dreams.  Cheer them on from the sidelines.  Go on adventures.  Takes risks.  Crank up the  music and dance in your car!  LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!

January 1, 2018 Happy New Year!!!

For a couple of weeks now I have been thinking about the flipping of the calendar page that tells me that we have started a new year.  I have been thinking about how my 2017 played out. I had some amazing moments, that I have already gone over in blog.  There are a few things I would have liked to have gotten done, but over all, my year was pretty amazing.   I have absolutely no complaints.  But what about 2018?  I'm not big on resolutions, but if you have been following my blogs over the years, you might remember that I like to find projects or something to focus on throughout the year.

I was struggling with what kind of goals or ideas I wanted to focus on for 2018.  But I figured that it would all come to me in time. 

On December 29th, Naomi and I went on a little date to the art museum.  While we were downtown, we passed by JUMP (Jack's Urban Meet-up Place).  There was a photo of the giant rubber ducky that floats the rivers around the world.  When we saw it, we both smiled and thought of Nick.  There was some wording on the sign but I didn't really think much about it.  I told myself that I should stop and get a picture of the ducky, but then I told myself "If you stop at every random rubber ducky and took a picture, you would never get anywhere."  And I just kept driving and went on with my day.

On the 30th, I was feeling kind of "off".  But I didn't know the cause.  A friend posted a picture on my facebook wall; it was a set of rubber ducky ear rings being sold on Amazon.  Then I made a phone call to pay a bill and the customer service rep was named Nick.  I just smiled and went about my business.  A couple of hours later, I was doing something else when the name Nick popped up.  Okay.  Then Tracy and I went to the movies to see the new Jumanji movie.  I was feeling even more "off" and unsettled.  I was standing in the concession line when I saw a tall slender young man standing in line with his significant other when his mom came up and said she was going to get seats while they "kids" stood in line.  They looked about the same age as Nick would have been.  His comment to his mom was snarky and reminded me of Nick.  I burst into tears without warning.  Nick had now visited me 5 times in a little over 24 hours.  I thought I had been doing pretty good during the holiday season and Nick hasn't been hanging around alot lately. But there I was... a crying mess in a very public place.  I gathered myself, got my snacks and headed to the theater.

The movie was awesome.  But it wasn't until the end of the movie that I realized Nick was there with us.  The movie has Jack Black in it, and Nick LOVED Jack Black. He was there to watch the movie with us.  But he was there for more than that.  I realized the reason he kept showing up was because I saw him at JUMP and I didn't stop to read the sign and take a picture with it.  He wanted me to go back and take the picture and really let the "lesson" sink in.  I have been thinking about my thoughts for 2018 for weeks now, and there Nick was giving me the answer, and I drove right passed it and was not listening.  So what was the sign he is talking about? What was the message?  How is my year supposed to play out?   Here is is....

There it is.  THINK BIG!  That is Nick's message to me.  That is my motto for the year.  I know this sounds cheesy, but its reality.  I have dreams of things I want to have happen.  And I have allowed life to get in way of some progress.  I have allowed some rejection to keep me down and keep me thinking small.  I have allowed some heart ache to keep me down.  No more.  Time to pick myself back up. My knee has healed.  It's time for me to get out and hike and enjoy the outdoors again!  It's time for me to get back to eating healthy.  It's time for me get on stage and be the best performer I can be. It's time for me to teach some classes (I'm already scheduled to teach in a conference in April).  It's time for me to perform out of state (I already have an Oregon performance scheduled for May).  It's time for me to grow!  It's time for me to THINK BIG!

Once I realized what Nick was trying to tell me, I got on Facebook and ran into 2 messages from group boards that I have not really been participating in.  One was about someone who was making a HUGE leap and thinking HUGE.  Just like Nick was telling me.  But more importantly, there was a message from a young man who has been drawn to wear some women's fashion and felt uncomfortable expressing this desire.  He was afraid of being judged.  And Nick told me to message him and tell him about Nick's run with women's fashion.  I could feel Nick talking through my fingers.  It was a beautiful experience.

So yes.... my 2018 is all about "thinking big".  At first I thought it meant that I would do 2018 miles in 2018 (walking).  But then I realized, that though that is "doable"; its not practical and I don't want to hurt myself.  So... my goal: 2018 miles of MOVEMENT...walking, roller skating, riding my bike, hiking, snowshoeing..... (In case you were wondering what happened today.. I got ONE whole mile in while snowshoeing for 1 1/2 hours.. only 2017 more to go!)  I am getting back on keto tomorrow.  I would like to be down 20# by my birthday so I can jump out of that airplane I keep talking about!  My intention is to put myself out there again this year and submit for burlesque festivals. Think Big!  Put myself out there.  I am performing in Oregon for a friends show in May.  I would also like to perform in other states this year.  I will make some contacts and see what I can drum up!  I have a BIG performance I would like to put together and a HUGE costume to put together.  THINK BIG!  I want to walk a marathon this year.  I"m not sure which one yet, but it's going to happen!  So there you  have it.  I'm sure there is more I want to get done, but those are the ones I am going to put in black and white and on the internet for the world to see. LOL

Today a friend posted this meme......

It pretty  much sums up the way that I feel.  Life is too short.  Think Big.  Get out there and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!