Yet, I am certain I am going to type alot of them in this blog. Better make yourself comfortable.
I have been struggling for a weeks now on trying to write a blog. My emotions have kind of been all over the place in the last couple of weeks. And if you look back at my last posted blog it was May 29th right after going out Latin Dancing and I talked about how much dancing means to me. I was so extremely happy that day. I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted. I knew that dancing meant everything to me. It made me happy. With that said.. there has been an underlying current of self-esteem issues just boiling to the surface. Dancing just kept them at bay; dancing kept these issues from taking control. Then it all came crashing down in a weekend.. or well.. maybe they started to crash down after my last burlesque performance. I am not really sure.
So here is the deal. To admit to having some serious self-esteem/self-confidence issues is a HUGE thing for me. Why? Because I always believed that no matter how heavy I was or what I looked like, if I loved who I was.. if I had self-confidence and self-esteem, I was still sexy and fabulous and gorgeous. Because to me...it's not about the looks, it's about the way someone feels about themselves. It's about the smile that radiates from happiness. It's the "swagger" that comes from within. And boy have I lost mine. And feeling like that is worse than gaining all the weight I have gained back. So that is my biggest scariest confession. I would rather tell you how much I weigh than admit to what I just admitted.
So what happened? What killed my mojo? Maybe it started with Nick's death. Maybe it has nothing to do with his death. I really don't know. I know that when I had my wardrobe malfunction during my last burlesque performance, my self-confidence took a HUGE hit. Did I keep going with my dance? Yes. Did I stop on stage and look like a deer in the headlights? No. Did I finish my dance as gracefully as possible? Yes. So why did it hit me so hard? Maybe because that dance was dedicated to Nick. Maybe it was because I was looking for validation from a specific person after my performance and I never got it. (Yes, I need validation after I dance.... ) I don't know. But I kept going. I still make plans for future performances (well I have ideas... have I done anything with them? No. Why? Because I have lost my mojo.)
Then I was working on belly dance choreographies. I had them down. I created a duet with Omi in honor of Nick. We had a huge weekend of dancing at a Renn Faire. And no matter what I practiced at home.. no matter how I had it down pat at home, I managed to royally fuck up (Yes I said the *f* word) my class dance with Omi and Hunter. Not only that, but the duet Omi and I had memorized, I managed to mess that up as well. But the thing is... only me and Omi knew what that dance was supposed to look like. Then there was the solo, that once again, only *I* knew what it was supposed to look like, and I don't think I screwed it up. However, once again, after these dances, the validation I was looking for was not there... on top of knowing that I screwed up the class dances. Did others make mistakes, yes. But me.. I am only responsible for me.. I so fucked them up. No one (except for Omi and maybe Tracy) will ever know just how much this affects me.
So why do I mess up my choreos that I have memorized? I have never had stage fright. I have been on the stage all of my life. I used to NAIL choreos. When everyone else was freaked out cause they didn't know the choreo, I was the rock. What happened? Brain Injury? I don't know. Nick's death? Maybe. A brain does not work the same after such a loss. Grief takes over the brain and slows your memory... it slows lots of things down. What you used to be able to do can become very difficult. So yes, I think that may play a part.
After the wreckage that was that weekend, I told Naomi that I am not certain I want to dance any more. I feel as though I let my studio down. I feel as though I let myself down. I feel as though if I keep dancing and screwing up, I will make the studio look bad, and I don't want/can't have that on my conscious. And what about burlesque? Am I going to put away my sparkles, feathers and tassels? Am I going to stop dancing all together? What was once my safe place to get healthy and strong... what once was a place of safety and sisterhood and empowerment feels as though it has become a place where my self-confidence has fallen into a sink hole to never be returned to me. I feel lost.
Tracy asks me what is wrong. I tell him I have lost all self-confidence and self-esteem. He tries to bolster me. But we all know that this kind of thing can only be fixed from within and on your own. No significant other can fix it for you.
So now what?
I took a 4 day yoga/meditation retreat hoping to find clarity and let go of some of the anger I was feeling. What I found was sleepless nights and even more anger (at something I couldn't put my finger on). For those 4 days, I was so angry. My head was clear, but man was I angry. My body felt great after the stretching... but my heart and mind.. not so much. During that week, I didn't dance.
Today, I danced for the first time in weeks. I have not been to belly dance in 2 weeks due to family emergencies and yoga. Today, Omi and I danced for an hour.. we went over all of our choreos. When I suggested we try our class dance, her reply was, "I thought you weren't going to dance that anymore." We rehearsed it anyway, and again, it was done perfectly..both with her and on my own. *sigh* Our duet is a mess, but it will get back into shape. I still don't know what I am doing when it comes to dance. What I do know is that leaving dance will kill my soul. It is what makes me happy. I am happiest when I am dancing. I am happiest when I am moving my body and expressing myself. Do I need to perform to feel that? I don't know. Can I be part of the classes and not perform? I don't know. I doubt it. What about burlesque? I don't know. What I do know is that without self-confidence, there is no way I can do burlesque on a stage....nope. No way. The audience will see right through me.
I feel like I have lost me somewhere. And yes, I know she got lost the day my son died. I smile. People tell me I look less stressed. People tell me I look lighter. But inside, I am torn to shreds. I miss the person who lit up a room with her smile and bubbly personality when she walked in. I miss the person who everyone on facebook repeatedly told.. "You are such an inspiration!" It's not the pats on the back that I miss...but the person who inspired those pats on the back. That woman was over flowing with self-esteem and self-confidence. There was not a mountain she couldn't climb, a dance she couldn't memorize and perform, a dream she couldn't achieve. People loved being around her. They didn't hide and run the other direction when she came. They didn't wait till her back was turned to whisper behind her back.. what are they whispering? (In my head I hear.. "That poor woman..." "Isn't it time she stop mourning." "That dance was horrible." "She has known that choreo for a long time, there are no excuses." "She's not good enough." The list of amazing inner dialogue goes on and on from there.)
So this is me being real. I joined Weight Watchers to try and regain some control. I didn't need to lose a bunch of weight.. though I do need to lose some, but mostly, I just joined again to stop the uncontrollable weight gain that I was doing after Nick's death. That has helped; but the self-esteem/self-confidence issue is adding onto the stress of weight and body image issues (that I didn't used to have) that are creeping in like gang busters. It's a spiral.......
So there is that... The real true story. And....this week. A year ago today, Nick and Suzy arrived in Boise for their vacation. It was the last first time I would hug my son hello. This week, marks a year of the last week I got to spend with my son before he was killed and taken away from me 7 1/2 months ago.
How do I continue to dance?
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
May 29, 2015 Latin Dancing... It's Good For The Soul...
Okay.. and so is massage for a cause!
My life is truly blessed! I have so many things and people in my life to be grateful for.
Yesterday, I had big plans to go out country swing dancing with my new dance partner, Chris. But by 5:30, I had not heard from him which meant he was probably stuck at work and won't be able to go. That is okay, I had stuff to do anyway. But then my friend Linda messaged me and asked if I wanted to go to Frim Fram 4 last night. I considered my options. If Chris messaged me, we could dance at the Buffalo Club and then had to Frim Fram 4 later. So my answer to Linda was "yes!". Then she invited herself to the Buffalo Club. Well something like that anyway. I told her to meet me at my house at 7 and we were going whether Chris messaged or not. If all else failed, she and I could be each other's dance partners.
Sure enough, no Chris. He messaged at 7:30 or so saying he was just getting home from work. No worries, Linda and I were already on our "hot date".
This is where I should probably mention how much dancing means to me and how much it has brought into my life. I have always been into music and performing ever since I was a little kid. I found strength and peace in disco skating. Playing the flue was my refuge from a rocky home life. Going to jazz concerts and symphonies with my brother kept my heart open. Singing kept me sane and gave me a voice. And as I got older.. dancing at clubs gave me a place to express my feelings and let go and just BE. Then came belly dancing.. something I have always wanted to do since I was a little girl. In Belly Dance, I found power and beauty and grace. I found a sisterhood. I found women building each other up. I found a part of me that I didn't even know I was missing! Then came Zumba. Free, fun, wild, sexy...... LATIN dancing! Nothing like shaking your hips! Then came Burlesque. In Burlesque I found my sexy sultry side. I found my flirtatious silly side. I found strength and grace. I found forgiveness. I found family (both male and female). And Burlesque is where I met Linda........
Linda is firey and sassy like me. Together we are nothing but trouble. We perform well on a stage together. And we play well off of each other off stage. And last night on our dance date was entirely too much fun!!!! We pulled into the Buffalo Club when all of a sudden I suggested we head to Latin Dancing night at the balcony and take classes with Natalie ... another friend brought to me through dancing/Zumba. So that is what we did. At first it was just the 2 of us and Natalie and one man, Norberto. Natalie played the male role and the 4 of us danced and switched partners. And even on cue when told to switch partners, without blinking and eye, Linda and I pretended to go to each other.. and everyone laughed. (Linda and I just "perform" well together.)
But really, what I want to talk about, besides my amazing time with Linda is the dancing with Norberto. There is one thing I have learned and really worked on over the years, is eye contact while dancing. It's really hard to do and very distracting...and awkward with people you don't know. You can see so much in people's eyes. But last night as I danced with Norberto, we laughed and laughed. So much joy in his eyes. We fumbled and stumbled while we danced, and we laughed. Then we would get something right and give each other high fives. It was so much fun. Just being in the moment... feeling his hold, looking into his eyes, feeling the music and being present in that moment. It was such therapy for me. I spend so much time missing Nick and wishing he were still alive. I spend so much time worrying about my family members and how we are all going to get through this grief. That last night's dance with Norberto, was exactly what I needed. Laughter, dancing, being in the moment. It was a very special gift.
Burlesque also brought Ferryman into my life. I will never forget the first time I saw him as an audience member at a Frankly Burlesque show. He was an "all eyes on me" type of guy. He wants the room to know he is there and there is no denying his presence. Hey may be the male version of me. *laugh* Not afraid to get up on stage and shake his tush for the world to see (and that is before becoming a burlesque performer). Anyway, he is looking travel for his performances this summer. And as a family does, we gather together to help make another family member's dreams come true. We put together a massage party. (Ferryman is a trained massage therapist). Poor guy has been working 4 hours straight, but man does my body appreciate the massage after last night's dancing. More importantly, he worked on my neck which apparently has been holding all of my grief. And he is so sweet and compassionate and gave me hugs and kissed my head when he felt my sadness.
Yes, Dancing has brought me so much more than just some good times and exercise. It has brought me family, sanity, laughter, joy, peace, strength, passion...and just soooooo much more!
I am so grateful for the people in my life. I am grateful for the dance that is my life!
And now.. I'm off to take my daughter to her voice lessons and her dance lessons..... .and to buy dance shoes for tomorrow's belly dance performance! Wheeeee!!!!!
My life is truly blessed! I have so many things and people in my life to be grateful for.
Yesterday, I had big plans to go out country swing dancing with my new dance partner, Chris. But by 5:30, I had not heard from him which meant he was probably stuck at work and won't be able to go. That is okay, I had stuff to do anyway. But then my friend Linda messaged me and asked if I wanted to go to Frim Fram 4 last night. I considered my options. If Chris messaged me, we could dance at the Buffalo Club and then had to Frim Fram 4 later. So my answer to Linda was "yes!". Then she invited herself to the Buffalo Club. Well something like that anyway. I told her to meet me at my house at 7 and we were going whether Chris messaged or not. If all else failed, she and I could be each other's dance partners.
Sure enough, no Chris. He messaged at 7:30 or so saying he was just getting home from work. No worries, Linda and I were already on our "hot date".
This is where I should probably mention how much dancing means to me and how much it has brought into my life. I have always been into music and performing ever since I was a little kid. I found strength and peace in disco skating. Playing the flue was my refuge from a rocky home life. Going to jazz concerts and symphonies with my brother kept my heart open. Singing kept me sane and gave me a voice. And as I got older.. dancing at clubs gave me a place to express my feelings and let go and just BE. Then came belly dancing.. something I have always wanted to do since I was a little girl. In Belly Dance, I found power and beauty and grace. I found a sisterhood. I found women building each other up. I found a part of me that I didn't even know I was missing! Then came Zumba. Free, fun, wild, sexy...... LATIN dancing! Nothing like shaking your hips! Then came Burlesque. In Burlesque I found my sexy sultry side. I found my flirtatious silly side. I found strength and grace. I found forgiveness. I found family (both male and female). And Burlesque is where I met Linda........
Linda is firey and sassy like me. Together we are nothing but trouble. We perform well on a stage together. And we play well off of each other off stage. And last night on our dance date was entirely too much fun!!!! We pulled into the Buffalo Club when all of a sudden I suggested we head to Latin Dancing night at the balcony and take classes with Natalie ... another friend brought to me through dancing/Zumba. So that is what we did. At first it was just the 2 of us and Natalie and one man, Norberto. Natalie played the male role and the 4 of us danced and switched partners. And even on cue when told to switch partners, without blinking and eye, Linda and I pretended to go to each other.. and everyone laughed. (Linda and I just "perform" well together.)
But really, what I want to talk about, besides my amazing time with Linda is the dancing with Norberto. There is one thing I have learned and really worked on over the years, is eye contact while dancing. It's really hard to do and very distracting...and awkward with people you don't know. You can see so much in people's eyes. But last night as I danced with Norberto, we laughed and laughed. So much joy in his eyes. We fumbled and stumbled while we danced, and we laughed. Then we would get something right and give each other high fives. It was so much fun. Just being in the moment... feeling his hold, looking into his eyes, feeling the music and being present in that moment. It was such therapy for me. I spend so much time missing Nick and wishing he were still alive. I spend so much time worrying about my family members and how we are all going to get through this grief. That last night's dance with Norberto, was exactly what I needed. Laughter, dancing, being in the moment. It was a very special gift.
Burlesque also brought Ferryman into my life. I will never forget the first time I saw him as an audience member at a Frankly Burlesque show. He was an "all eyes on me" type of guy. He wants the room to know he is there and there is no denying his presence. Hey may be the male version of me. *laugh* Not afraid to get up on stage and shake his tush for the world to see (and that is before becoming a burlesque performer). Anyway, he is looking travel for his performances this summer. And as a family does, we gather together to help make another family member's dreams come true. We put together a massage party. (Ferryman is a trained massage therapist). Poor guy has been working 4 hours straight, but man does my body appreciate the massage after last night's dancing. More importantly, he worked on my neck which apparently has been holding all of my grief. And he is so sweet and compassionate and gave me hugs and kissed my head when he felt my sadness.
Yes, Dancing has brought me so much more than just some good times and exercise. It has brought me family, sanity, laughter, joy, peace, strength, passion...and just soooooo much more!
I am so grateful for the people in my life. I am grateful for the dance that is my life!
And now.. I'm off to take my daughter to her voice lessons and her dance lessons..... .and to buy dance shoes for tomorrow's belly dance performance! Wheeeee!!!!!
Thursday, May 28, 2015
May 28, 2015 It's National Hamburger Day!!!
Not that hamburgers have anything to do with my post today..other than I might make some for dinner tonight.. maybe.
I had a kinda depressing dream just as I was waking up this morning. It had me sad feeling. I posted about it on Facebook first thing this morning. Basically, it was me realizing that I have left things kind of unattended and un-done while I have been grieving. They just weren't very important, but now its time for me to revisit them and get things in order. I have said something like a couple of blogs ago. It's time for me to get this house in order. When we bought this house, we had big plans and a month later Nick was killed. Everything we had planned for this house just kinda seems unimportant. But now, its imperative, that we get to things. Why? Because WE ARE LIVING!!! It's not fair to us or to the rest of our children to continue like the world has crumbled around us and nothing that is here in this physical world right now matters. That is so not true. It is time for us to get back to dreaming and back to living this life.
With that said....I am missing my son.
I have been looking through our family photos that we had taken last year when Nick and Suzy came to visit. I realized that we do not have a family photo of JUST Nick, Suzy, Nate, Omi, Me and Tracy. Well we do, but they are silly ones (which is what we are) but still. You can't see every one's faces in them. I have a great photo of Me, Tracy, Nick, Nate, and Omi.. but no Suzy. Why wasn't Suzy in that picture? I don't know. It made me very sad that she was not in the picture. And it makes me even sadder that I can't go back and retake those photos. I can't go back and get more pictures of Nick and Suzy together. I can't take more pictures of Nick. These were the last pictures I have of him. The last family photos before he died. I'm grateful to have them, and sad that some important shots were missed.
This morning I was doing something else while getting ready for my day and Nick was on my mind. I think it must have just been that dream. I don't know. But I just wanted to cry. When I came in after dropping Omi off to school Tracy asked me if I was okay He was still in bed trying to wake up. I said, "yes, why?" I guess he had had a bad dream about me having a bad dream and being upset. Yes, that is how connected Tracy is to my brain! There were lots of hugs this morning as I tried to hold back tears. I didn't have time to cry this morning. I had a dentist appointment I had to get to.
Speaking of dentists... I hate going. Especially when I have to get xrays. They literally have a note in my folder that says.. "Be extra gentle with her." Xrays make me cry. I didn't even think about my visit today other than getting my teeth cleaned. And I knew I was extra sensitive today. I was freaking crying in the waiting room as I read comments on my facebook wall. This is not the way to go into the dentist office. Then I found out I had to have Xrays. Really???? The poor hygienist, asked the wrong question that sent me into full blown tears and telling her that Nick was killed. (I need to tell the anyway..so that they didn't ask Omi some kind of question that will set her off when she goes in next month.) Anyway, they let me cry and talk about Nick and then made notes in Omi's chart not to mention it to her when she goes in. They were very gentle with me. And I made it through the Xrays without crying. *laugh* Bonus: having not seen them for 2 years.. I don't have any cavities! Yay!
All the way through the torture, I kept thinking about the good things I had planned for the day... shoe shopping, lunch with Tracy and dancing tonight! That helped. Then afterwards, I realized that the belly dance shoe shopping can't be done till after 3pm; those dance stores don't open till after school hours. Ugh! But I did go boot shopping and found a pair of Justin boots that fit me perfectly! I'm so excited! My feet and calves can be such a pain to fit when it comes to boots of any kind! I'm excited to wear them tonight.
I still have lots to do today. I have friends coming over tomorrow for a massage party... so I gotta sweep and get the place ready for that. My life is a never ending rush of things to do... but that is good.
As for my grief and missing my son. It's okay. I will always miss him and sometimes it will sting just a bit more than others. Today is just one of those days. I would give anything to have his long arms wrapped around me and giving me a hug today. Just one of those days.
I had a kinda depressing dream just as I was waking up this morning. It had me sad feeling. I posted about it on Facebook first thing this morning. Basically, it was me realizing that I have left things kind of unattended and un-done while I have been grieving. They just weren't very important, but now its time for me to revisit them and get things in order. I have said something like a couple of blogs ago. It's time for me to get this house in order. When we bought this house, we had big plans and a month later Nick was killed. Everything we had planned for this house just kinda seems unimportant. But now, its imperative, that we get to things. Why? Because WE ARE LIVING!!! It's not fair to us or to the rest of our children to continue like the world has crumbled around us and nothing that is here in this physical world right now matters. That is so not true. It is time for us to get back to dreaming and back to living this life.
With that said....I am missing my son.
I have been looking through our family photos that we had taken last year when Nick and Suzy came to visit. I realized that we do not have a family photo of JUST Nick, Suzy, Nate, Omi, Me and Tracy. Well we do, but they are silly ones (which is what we are) but still. You can't see every one's faces in them. I have a great photo of Me, Tracy, Nick, Nate, and Omi.. but no Suzy. Why wasn't Suzy in that picture? I don't know. It made me very sad that she was not in the picture. And it makes me even sadder that I can't go back and retake those photos. I can't go back and get more pictures of Nick and Suzy together. I can't take more pictures of Nick. These were the last pictures I have of him. The last family photos before he died. I'm grateful to have them, and sad that some important shots were missed.
This morning I was doing something else while getting ready for my day and Nick was on my mind. I think it must have just been that dream. I don't know. But I just wanted to cry. When I came in after dropping Omi off to school Tracy asked me if I was okay He was still in bed trying to wake up. I said, "yes, why?" I guess he had had a bad dream about me having a bad dream and being upset. Yes, that is how connected Tracy is to my brain! There were lots of hugs this morning as I tried to hold back tears. I didn't have time to cry this morning. I had a dentist appointment I had to get to.
Speaking of dentists... I hate going. Especially when I have to get xrays. They literally have a note in my folder that says.. "Be extra gentle with her." Xrays make me cry. I didn't even think about my visit today other than getting my teeth cleaned. And I knew I was extra sensitive today. I was freaking crying in the waiting room as I read comments on my facebook wall. This is not the way to go into the dentist office. Then I found out I had to have Xrays. Really???? The poor hygienist, asked the wrong question that sent me into full blown tears and telling her that Nick was killed. (I need to tell the anyway..so that they didn't ask Omi some kind of question that will set her off when she goes in next month.) Anyway, they let me cry and talk about Nick and then made notes in Omi's chart not to mention it to her when she goes in. They were very gentle with me. And I made it through the Xrays without crying. *laugh* Bonus: having not seen them for 2 years.. I don't have any cavities! Yay!
All the way through the torture, I kept thinking about the good things I had planned for the day... shoe shopping, lunch with Tracy and dancing tonight! That helped. Then afterwards, I realized that the belly dance shoe shopping can't be done till after 3pm; those dance stores don't open till after school hours. Ugh! But I did go boot shopping and found a pair of Justin boots that fit me perfectly! I'm so excited! My feet and calves can be such a pain to fit when it comes to boots of any kind! I'm excited to wear them tonight.
I still have lots to do today. I have friends coming over tomorrow for a massage party... so I gotta sweep and get the place ready for that. My life is a never ending rush of things to do... but that is good.
As for my grief and missing my son. It's okay. I will always miss him and sometimes it will sting just a bit more than others. Today is just one of those days. I would give anything to have his long arms wrapped around me and giving me a hug today. Just one of those days.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
May 26, 2015 It's Been A While...
It's been 10 days since my last blog. Don't worry, I do not plan on catching you up on 10 days on a day by day basis. *laugh*
It has been a great week and a half. I have been happily busy. I've been dreaming and redecorating. I have also been dealing with a very cranky back, but the good news is I think I finally kicked the cranky back! Woohooo!!!
2 weekends ago, we opened up Belly Dance/Festival Season at Eagle Island Experience Festival. I was a bit nervous to dance at the festival. Our class dance was not coming together as we would like and the other 2 just won't stick in my brain. It seems as though I can only keep one dance in my brain at a time. I think its part of the head bonking but I also think grief has kind of wiped out some of my brain. I'm sure it will come back. Anyway, Omi and I went and we danced and we had a great time. My favorite part of all was watching the little girls in the audience try to keep up with the dancers that were "on stage". Then at the end, we did the open dance, and I had the pleasure of dancing with a 4 or 5 year old named Haiden. She was too adorable. She loved to dance. And we had so much fun together. We laughed and giggled and for a few minutes, I remembered what pure joy felt like. We should all dance like little children! Thank you for such a gift, little Haiden!
Then last weekend was Memorial Weekend. For most people that means a 3 day weekend. But Tracy worked all weekend. He has been so busy, and with him being so busy and not really being into dancing, I have decided that I am going to find a dance partner to take swing dance lessons with. I want to incorporate more kinds of dancing into my life... both for the dance experience to make me a better performer as well as more exercise! So last weekend over the long weekend, I met with 2 potential dance partners. One is a complete no go. The other, was very kind and will fit in with my group of friends when we all go out dancing.. and with Tracy for motorcycle rides. I also spent some time with our friend Mishi. It's always a pleasure hanging out with her and laughing. The family spent some time around the fire pit.. which seems to be our favorite place these days, and that is always fun. Nate's girlfriend, Tricia is spending more time over here and I enjoy getting to know her. I really do like having a house filled with "kids". I also took my mom on an adventure this last weekend. I took her to Shoshone Falls and Thousand Springs. We spent the day walking and admiring beautiful water falls. It was a very fun day!
Ohhh... I also went to ecstatic dance at Grace Place. I danced for 2 hours straight. This was an amazing experience on so many levels. But most importantly, Nick came to dance with me for 2 songs. We laughed and danced together. And I cried and laughed some more. It happened during one song by Madonna that was pretty profound something about "speak you truth and that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Then it was followed by a didgeridoo piece... Nick used to play a mean didg! That song, in that moment, was his gift to me....and I laughed and cried and danced to it remembering when he used to play. And remembering when he played it for the junior high talent show. He was very talented. It felt good to cry and laugh with him. It felt good to dance and just FEEL the music. Definitely something I would do again!
Today, however, I woke up feeling very introspective. What do I want to do with my life? What am I doing? I went for a walk around Eagle Island this morning just thinking.... is working out and getting healthy enough for me? What about my performing? I am born to perform. I have always loved performing. Ever since I was a little girl I loved church pageants. I loved taking dance. I loved being in choirs. I loved being in band. Then I grew up and went to the Storytelling Institute. I had big hopes when I graduated from there. When I moved here, I made pretty decent money as a part time teller. People around town even knew me as Martha the Storyteller. I would run into people on the street and they would recognize me. Now I am belly dancing and doing burlesque. I am longing to take voice lessons and different kinds of dance classes. I want to expand my performance tool chest. I even want to take improv. So...I am kind of thinking about going back to college for theater. Why? There isn't any money in it, and the idea of me having to memorize lines for a play drives me crazy. My memory is not so great. But I want to perform more and grow as a performer, and I would like get a degree in SOMETHING. *laugh* Maybe I will look into this some more.
The other thing I am feeling like I REALLY want to do is go on some backpacking adventures. I am really feeling pulled and called toward this. I do not have any equipment or know anything about doing that type of thing. My biggest fear is running out of water. And sleeping on the ground is always painful. *laugh* But I would love to go back packing. I feel like it would be a cleansing/healing activity. This is the way I felt when I took up trail running. I needed that challenge... that feeling of being out there on my own with noting but the mountains, sky, and wild life.
I just feel like adventure is calling my name.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
May 16, 2015 Any Excuse To Wear a Tutu
Today's half marathon was so much fun! Today, Omi and walked in the Tutu Run Half Marathon. This is probably my most favorite half marathon in the Treasure Valley. I think it might have even surpassed the Sun Valley Half Marathon (which I did in 2012).
The Tutu Run was run along the Nampa Greenbelt. First of all, I had NO IDEA that Nampa had a greenbelt. Secondly, it was absolutely gorgeous! The Boise Greenbelt is long and beautiful, but most of it is bordered by subdivisions and houses or parks. Those houses are beautiful and the parks are amazing. But Nampa's greenbelt takes you through some beautiful protected wet lands with lots of nesting ducks and baby ducks and eggs. It has subdivisions bordering some of it, and those houses ranged anywhere from fancy to shacks. Lots of the houses had gorgeous gardens. There were also lots of horse properties on this path. We had up close personal looks at horses, cows, goats, and lots of water fowl. We even passed a crazy cat lady house with lots of cats outside and watched as one tried to pounce on a bird (and missed). It was humorous. Then we saw some kind of water rodent in the water harassing ducks. That was entertaining and way too cute. It was a very pretty race. Most of it was on this path and off of the major streets and the path itself was quiet and uncrowded which made for an amazing walk.
At first we thought it was going to rain today. I even went out and bought us rain coats (just in case). Instead we had lots of cloud cover and winds, but gratefully no rain! It turned out to be a beautiful day for a race!
Today's half marathon was a small race. I don't think there were even 100 racers. In the mix of the racers were quite a few of my running friends. That isn't a big shocker, but I love seeing them out there. In the midst were Brandon, Megan and Jodi. It was Jodi's first ever half marathon and she killed it today! I got a few pictures of them. Since they were running, we got to see them a few times on the "out and back" stretches. We exchanged high fives and hugs and kisses. That made our day! At the last out and back turn around, we caught up to a woman who looked like she was in serious pain. She was by herself so we slowed down quite a bit for about 2 miles and walked with her and visited. She was here running the race with her friend, who took off to do his own pace. She was visiting from Arizona (where Naomi was born) and was not used to hills or elevation. She was struggling. But she was amazing! She is a cancer survivor and still deals with the affects of chemo, and there she was killing this race as best she could.. She was not going to let it get the best of her. She is a true warrior! We even got stopped at about mile 9 by another runner who started late and caught up to us. She was the one who stopped us at the Shamrock Shuffle to take our picture cause she thought we were too cute. She stopped us today to take a picture with us again. Too fun. I love my running family, and I'm so glad I get to share it with Omi.
The aid stations were amazing today! Not sure what was different today, but I really felt like we were being cared for today. The first aid station had gummy bears... not my favorite. So Omi just took some Gatorade and we kept on moving. The next aid station had a group of teenage boy scouts about Omi's age. They were very enthusiastic and amazing. They also had oranges.. my favorites!!! One aid station had M&Ms and Pretzels... YES!!!! There was another aid station with more oranges and pretzels. I swear, oranges, pretzels and M&Ms are my favorite things to snack on during races! On our "home stretch" we came back through the Boy Scout aid station, and 2 of the boys walked up towards us and gave us both huge hugs. That was the most amazing thing! I love hugs!!! And it made us smile. Just the pick-me-up we needed! Even though most of the race was done on the greenbelt, we did have to cross a couple of busy streets, and there were flaggers out there to make sure we were safe. This race was very well run. I am thrilled with the way it was run today.
Omi did a great job today. I love doing these races with her. We started out fast, and as races go, we slowed down. But to be fair, we stopped to take pictures a few times. And I also realized that there is a "wall" in a half marathon. For Omi, it hits about miles 8-10. She is just dragging in those miles. That is when she grabs for my hand and holds it tight and I find myself pulling her and working hard to keep her on pace. But there is much to be said for the strength of hand holding. There is so much to be said about pushing through pain, breathing problems, head games. There is something to be said for dancing and singing your way through a particular hard part of a race. And the conversations we have on these 13 mile walks are so much fun. I love her compassion. I love her strength. I love her wisdom and the example she is for kids around her. I love her smile. I love her joy when she sees the different animals and the squeals she makes when she sees baby ducks or a house rolling around in the grass. To see the world through her eyes is priceless. To watch her push through her struggles and finish a race dancing and running... it makes this momma proud. I am so proud of all that she has accomplished in the last 4 months of this race season. She had completed 3 half marathons and 1 10K. The first half marathon and this last half marathon had us finishing in under our goal time. The 2 in the middle were hard or just about having fun and getting through the day. I really think her perfect race distance is a 10K, but she does great on the half marathons too. She has also said she has no desire whatsoever to do a full marathon, and that is okay too.
I am very grateful for the opportunity to share these experiences with her. We are covered for races for the remainder of the year (one a month), but we will be taking the hot summer months off from running. I think we will volunteer for a couple of the races and give back to the running community that has given so much to us this running season.
The Tutu Run was run along the Nampa Greenbelt. First of all, I had NO IDEA that Nampa had a greenbelt. Secondly, it was absolutely gorgeous! The Boise Greenbelt is long and beautiful, but most of it is bordered by subdivisions and houses or parks. Those houses are beautiful and the parks are amazing. But Nampa's greenbelt takes you through some beautiful protected wet lands with lots of nesting ducks and baby ducks and eggs. It has subdivisions bordering some of it, and those houses ranged anywhere from fancy to shacks. Lots of the houses had gorgeous gardens. There were also lots of horse properties on this path. We had up close personal looks at horses, cows, goats, and lots of water fowl. We even passed a crazy cat lady house with lots of cats outside and watched as one tried to pounce on a bird (and missed). It was humorous. Then we saw some kind of water rodent in the water harassing ducks. That was entertaining and way too cute. It was a very pretty race. Most of it was on this path and off of the major streets and the path itself was quiet and uncrowded which made for an amazing walk.
At first we thought it was going to rain today. I even went out and bought us rain coats (just in case). Instead we had lots of cloud cover and winds, but gratefully no rain! It turned out to be a beautiful day for a race!
Today's half marathon was a small race. I don't think there were even 100 racers. In the mix of the racers were quite a few of my running friends. That isn't a big shocker, but I love seeing them out there. In the midst were Brandon, Megan and Jodi. It was Jodi's first ever half marathon and she killed it today! I got a few pictures of them. Since they were running, we got to see them a few times on the "out and back" stretches. We exchanged high fives and hugs and kisses. That made our day! At the last out and back turn around, we caught up to a woman who looked like she was in serious pain. She was by herself so we slowed down quite a bit for about 2 miles and walked with her and visited. She was here running the race with her friend, who took off to do his own pace. She was visiting from Arizona (where Naomi was born) and was not used to hills or elevation. She was struggling. But she was amazing! She is a cancer survivor and still deals with the affects of chemo, and there she was killing this race as best she could.. She was not going to let it get the best of her. She is a true warrior! We even got stopped at about mile 9 by another runner who started late and caught up to us. She was the one who stopped us at the Shamrock Shuffle to take our picture cause she thought we were too cute. She stopped us today to take a picture with us again. Too fun. I love my running family, and I'm so glad I get to share it with Omi.
The aid stations were amazing today! Not sure what was different today, but I really felt like we were being cared for today. The first aid station had gummy bears... not my favorite. So Omi just took some Gatorade and we kept on moving. The next aid station had a group of teenage boy scouts about Omi's age. They were very enthusiastic and amazing. They also had oranges.. my favorites!!! One aid station had M&Ms and Pretzels... YES!!!! There was another aid station with more oranges and pretzels. I swear, oranges, pretzels and M&Ms are my favorite things to snack on during races! On our "home stretch" we came back through the Boy Scout aid station, and 2 of the boys walked up towards us and gave us both huge hugs. That was the most amazing thing! I love hugs!!! And it made us smile. Just the pick-me-up we needed! Even though most of the race was done on the greenbelt, we did have to cross a couple of busy streets, and there were flaggers out there to make sure we were safe. This race was very well run. I am thrilled with the way it was run today.
Omi did a great job today. I love doing these races with her. We started out fast, and as races go, we slowed down. But to be fair, we stopped to take pictures a few times. And I also realized that there is a "wall" in a half marathon. For Omi, it hits about miles 8-10. She is just dragging in those miles. That is when she grabs for my hand and holds it tight and I find myself pulling her and working hard to keep her on pace. But there is much to be said for the strength of hand holding. There is so much to be said about pushing through pain, breathing problems, head games. There is something to be said for dancing and singing your way through a particular hard part of a race. And the conversations we have on these 13 mile walks are so much fun. I love her compassion. I love her strength. I love her wisdom and the example she is for kids around her. I love her smile. I love her joy when she sees the different animals and the squeals she makes when she sees baby ducks or a house rolling around in the grass. To see the world through her eyes is priceless. To watch her push through her struggles and finish a race dancing and running... it makes this momma proud. I am so proud of all that she has accomplished in the last 4 months of this race season. She had completed 3 half marathons and 1 10K. The first half marathon and this last half marathon had us finishing in under our goal time. The 2 in the middle were hard or just about having fun and getting through the day. I really think her perfect race distance is a 10K, but she does great on the half marathons too. She has also said she has no desire whatsoever to do a full marathon, and that is okay too.
I am very grateful for the opportunity to share these experiences with her. We are covered for races for the remainder of the year (one a month), but we will be taking the hot summer months off from running. I think we will volunteer for a couple of the races and give back to the running community that has given so much to us this running season.
Friday, May 15, 2015
May 15, 2015 Such a fun two days!
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling lighter than I have in a very long time. I also knew it was time to move on and make some changes in the house. Time to redecorate......and recenter the focus in the house.
After the memorial bonfire we had here after Christmas, the fire place mantel became a kind of alter with Nick's pictures. There were other family photos up there, too, but it seriously looked like a memorial to Nick. Since my dance mirrors rest on the mantels, I was constantly looking at the pictures and it was a bit distracting. Now I just felt like it was time to move them and move on from grief.
Yesterday morning, I realized Suzy had the day off and she was home. So we made plans to have a Sushi date and catch up. It was a great time. We agreed on the new placement of the memorial pictures of Nick (on the stair way wall). We also did some shopping and made plans for their wedding anniversary that is coming up on Monday. It was fun to hang out with Suzy and enjoy the day together... or at least a couple of hours.
After the morning with Suzy, I came home and started redecorating/rehanging pictures. I went looking through boxes of old photos to find framed photos to hang up. I came across old photos and newspaper clippings of Nick. Instead of tears, they made me smile. I felt happy and joyous With the walls in the stair way getting decorated, the house started feeling warm and lived in. (Just don't look above my mantel now. It looks bare until I can get the matted picture ordered and hung up.
Tracy surprised with me a belated birthday gift.. a Fitbit. But it was the wrong size. We called all over town and found out that the only place that had it was REI and it wouldn't be available until today. But the gesture made me cry. I have wanted one for a while now.
After dinner, Omi and I set to work on making our tutus for the Tutu run on Saturday. We giggled and laughed while we made them. Suzy and Matt came in for a quick visit and it was good to see them together and see Suzy smile. I do like Matt. More importantly, I like the way I see Suzy growing and experiencing new things with him. I may miss "Nick and Suzy" a whole bunch, but I can not and will not deny the growth in Suzy with Matt.
Once everyone was gone or in bed, Tracy and I went out and laid in the hammock. We went out there and it was just cloudy. But it didn't take long for it to start thundering and lightning and raining. We just laid snuggled in the sleeping bags and enjoyed the weather. It was amazing and relaxing. My heart went to bed happy and full and relaxed for the first time in a very very long time.
Something has definitely switched in my head and heart.... over night. It's time for me to move on. I know there will be times of sadness and melancholy, but I can feel it. It is time to move on and allow myself to be happy and live my life.
Today was a very busy day. I had to be at REI early to get in line before they opened to make sure I could get the FitBit.. Which I did. Yay!!! So excited. Then there was more shopping getting ready for tomorrow's Tutu run. Omi had voice lessons and silks class. And we had race packet pick up. so ya.. it was a crazy busy day. But it felt great. I feel like my life is back.
I think the biggest indication that things are swinging back around is my desire to dream and plan for the future and make this house a home. We moved into the new place in October. A month later, Nick was killed. But for that month in the new place, we were busy making plans for the back yard. We were busy making plans to make this house a home. Then Nick died and all of our physical, emotional and financial energy and resources were all diverted in that direction. But now that we have completed the business of Nick's death, and we have mourned his death and celebrated his accomplishments, it is time to focus on the house again. Its time to fill this house with happy memories and celebrations of life. Yes, we have had some laughs and parties here, but it's time to continue with our dreaming and our planning. It's time to get the tiki bar planned and built. It's time to make the back yard a place to be all the time. It's time to hang up pictures and finish "moving in" and turning this house into a home.
I am excited for the future. I am excited and grateful for the present. I love my children. I love my hubby. I am so grateful to my friends who have been here for me and listened to me and read my blogs and gave me hugs. I am sure I will need more as time goes on... but right now, I feel lighter and happier than I have in months.. maybe even since before Nick's death.
Yay!!!
After the memorial bonfire we had here after Christmas, the fire place mantel became a kind of alter with Nick's pictures. There were other family photos up there, too, but it seriously looked like a memorial to Nick. Since my dance mirrors rest on the mantels, I was constantly looking at the pictures and it was a bit distracting. Now I just felt like it was time to move them and move on from grief.
Yesterday morning, I realized Suzy had the day off and she was home. So we made plans to have a Sushi date and catch up. It was a great time. We agreed on the new placement of the memorial pictures of Nick (on the stair way wall). We also did some shopping and made plans for their wedding anniversary that is coming up on Monday. It was fun to hang out with Suzy and enjoy the day together... or at least a couple of hours.
After the morning with Suzy, I came home and started redecorating/rehanging pictures. I went looking through boxes of old photos to find framed photos to hang up. I came across old photos and newspaper clippings of Nick. Instead of tears, they made me smile. I felt happy and joyous With the walls in the stair way getting decorated, the house started feeling warm and lived in. (Just don't look above my mantel now. It looks bare until I can get the matted picture ordered and hung up.
Tracy surprised with me a belated birthday gift.. a Fitbit. But it was the wrong size. We called all over town and found out that the only place that had it was REI and it wouldn't be available until today. But the gesture made me cry. I have wanted one for a while now.
After dinner, Omi and I set to work on making our tutus for the Tutu run on Saturday. We giggled and laughed while we made them. Suzy and Matt came in for a quick visit and it was good to see them together and see Suzy smile. I do like Matt. More importantly, I like the way I see Suzy growing and experiencing new things with him. I may miss "Nick and Suzy" a whole bunch, but I can not and will not deny the growth in Suzy with Matt.
Once everyone was gone or in bed, Tracy and I went out and laid in the hammock. We went out there and it was just cloudy. But it didn't take long for it to start thundering and lightning and raining. We just laid snuggled in the sleeping bags and enjoyed the weather. It was amazing and relaxing. My heart went to bed happy and full and relaxed for the first time in a very very long time.
Something has definitely switched in my head and heart.... over night. It's time for me to move on. I know there will be times of sadness and melancholy, but I can feel it. It is time to move on and allow myself to be happy and live my life.
Today was a very busy day. I had to be at REI early to get in line before they opened to make sure I could get the FitBit.. Which I did. Yay!!! So excited. Then there was more shopping getting ready for tomorrow's Tutu run. Omi had voice lessons and silks class. And we had race packet pick up. so ya.. it was a crazy busy day. But it felt great. I feel like my life is back.
I think the biggest indication that things are swinging back around is my desire to dream and plan for the future and make this house a home. We moved into the new place in October. A month later, Nick was killed. But for that month in the new place, we were busy making plans for the back yard. We were busy making plans to make this house a home. Then Nick died and all of our physical, emotional and financial energy and resources were all diverted in that direction. But now that we have completed the business of Nick's death, and we have mourned his death and celebrated his accomplishments, it is time to focus on the house again. Its time to fill this house with happy memories and celebrations of life. Yes, we have had some laughs and parties here, but it's time to continue with our dreaming and our planning. It's time to get the tiki bar planned and built. It's time to make the back yard a place to be all the time. It's time to hang up pictures and finish "moving in" and turning this house into a home.
I am excited for the future. I am excited and grateful for the present. I love my children. I love my hubby. I am so grateful to my friends who have been here for me and listened to me and read my blogs and gave me hugs. I am sure I will need more as time goes on... but right now, I feel lighter and happier than I have in months.. maybe even since before Nick's death.
Yay!!!
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
May 13, 2015 Even when you see it coming....
It can still kinda suck and hurt.
Change is just not any fun. Well okay, I guess there are some changes that can be fun. Then there are some that a great for other people and make them happy but might leave you feeling a little blue. Then there is the kind of earth shattering change that just rips you to shreds. Life is filled with all of these kinds of changes, and everything in between.
I am going to admit to being very selfish here. Please remember these are my feelings that I am talking about. This is solely about me and not a reflection on other people's choices or lives. This is me being very vulnerable and real about how I feel. And I realize, that there are blog posts that I write and post that end up inadvertently hurting people. This is not about whoever is reading this. This is about me..the person writing this.
I have been thinking about Nick's death and my job as a mom. It has always been my job as a mom to protect my children and keep them safe. And I know it is not rational thinking, but there is a part of me that feels responsible for the pain my family is feeling. No. I could not have controlled the situation. I was not behind the wheel of the car that hit my son. I was not the one riding the motorcycle. For that matter, I was not even in the same time zone as the accident. So, yes, there is NO WAY that I could be responsible for the pain/grief my family is going through. But I feel like I have failed. I feel like I did not protect my son from his death. I feel like after his death, I have not protected my other children from the pain of the grief. As a matter of fact, the moment I got the phone call, after the initial, "What?!" I tried to send Omi to another room so that I could deal with this without her hearing the conversation. But I didn't get to. Tracy was already up on his feet frantically asking me what is wrong. Omi was scared already. I had failed at protecting her. On the other end of the phone was Suzy crying; I had failed at protecting her. My husband was crying. I had failed at protecting him. Then Nate.... I had failed all of them. And in the 6 months since, I have continually tried to protect my family. I have tried over and over and over again to help smooth things over, to help them feel better. But the fact is, there is nothing that can make any one feel better about the loss of Nick.
Maybe it is the control freak in me that is foolish enough to think I have any say so in this matter. How crazy must I be to think that I have any say so in the time, place, or manner in which my child is taken from this earth? How crazy must I be to think that I can protect my children from every harm in this world. I am only one human being, and part of this human experience is to go through all of this....happy and sad...good and bad... all of it. We don't live in a bubble where nothing can affect us. We live out here in the wild...and life (and/or death) happens.
Change happens....
In the last 6 months, I have been dealing and trying to heal my grief. I have been dealing with my family's grief. We have, at times, been completely consumed by this grief and sadness. And at other times, we have managed to find something to laugh about and celebrate. And in these six months I have been holding tight to the memory of my son. I am afraid of forgetting him. Worse, I am afraid that this world will keep spinning and other people will forget about him. Even worse, I am afraid that day will turn to night and night will turn to day and as this continues to happen my son's wife will move on and we will lose her too, and she will go about life and forget him too. (Yes, I realize I am crazy to think that Suzy will ever forget Nick. I know that realistically, that will never happen. But the grieving mom in me is afraid of that.) I have talked about that before. I have heard everyones' reassurances... But still.. my heart can be burdened by such thoughts. And with all of this on my mind, there is a really selfish side of me that says, "My son died 6 months ago. And from the moment he died, all happy things are put on hold until the mourning period is over." (I have no idea how long the mourning period is supposed to be, but a year sounds reasonable.) In that year's time frame, my selfish side says: No on can get pregnant. No one can get married. No one can get engaged. No one can be happy and move on with their lives. Period. (When I say no one.. I mean my immediate family as well as extended family.) Yes, I realize this is completely selfish and unrealistic. But I feel like seeing these happy positive things happen in their lives is a reflection of them forgetting that Nick died and that my family is still in mourning. That there are dreams unfulfilled in this family, and when others move on I feel like they are forgetting the gaping hole in my heart and in my life.
Like I said, I am being selfish.
Having people stop their lives isn't going to bring Nick back. And really, is a year enough mourning time? Is 6 months from now going to be any better than today? I don't know.
What I do know is.. I don't like change. I have never been all that great with change. I am a control freak. Yes, I know control is just an illusion. I realize I have no control or responsibility over what happened with Nick. And I continue to have little to no control or responsibility over what happens with my surviving children..especially my adult children. All I can do is be the bystander and watch their lives unfold. I can chime in when they ask. I can guide when asked or when I see the need to say something. But really, I am just a bystander standing here with a heart filled with love hoping for the best possible outcome in their lives... even when the change that happens hurts.
Change is just not any fun. Well okay, I guess there are some changes that can be fun. Then there are some that a great for other people and make them happy but might leave you feeling a little blue. Then there is the kind of earth shattering change that just rips you to shreds. Life is filled with all of these kinds of changes, and everything in between.
I am going to admit to being very selfish here. Please remember these are my feelings that I am talking about. This is solely about me and not a reflection on other people's choices or lives. This is me being very vulnerable and real about how I feel. And I realize, that there are blog posts that I write and post that end up inadvertently hurting people. This is not about whoever is reading this. This is about me..the person writing this.
I have been thinking about Nick's death and my job as a mom. It has always been my job as a mom to protect my children and keep them safe. And I know it is not rational thinking, but there is a part of me that feels responsible for the pain my family is feeling. No. I could not have controlled the situation. I was not behind the wheel of the car that hit my son. I was not the one riding the motorcycle. For that matter, I was not even in the same time zone as the accident. So, yes, there is NO WAY that I could be responsible for the pain/grief my family is going through. But I feel like I have failed. I feel like I did not protect my son from his death. I feel like after his death, I have not protected my other children from the pain of the grief. As a matter of fact, the moment I got the phone call, after the initial, "What?!" I tried to send Omi to another room so that I could deal with this without her hearing the conversation. But I didn't get to. Tracy was already up on his feet frantically asking me what is wrong. Omi was scared already. I had failed at protecting her. On the other end of the phone was Suzy crying; I had failed at protecting her. My husband was crying. I had failed at protecting him. Then Nate.... I had failed all of them. And in the 6 months since, I have continually tried to protect my family. I have tried over and over and over again to help smooth things over, to help them feel better. But the fact is, there is nothing that can make any one feel better about the loss of Nick.
Maybe it is the control freak in me that is foolish enough to think I have any say so in this matter. How crazy must I be to think that I have any say so in the time, place, or manner in which my child is taken from this earth? How crazy must I be to think that I can protect my children from every harm in this world. I am only one human being, and part of this human experience is to go through all of this....happy and sad...good and bad... all of it. We don't live in a bubble where nothing can affect us. We live out here in the wild...and life (and/or death) happens.
Change happens....
In the last 6 months, I have been dealing and trying to heal my grief. I have been dealing with my family's grief. We have, at times, been completely consumed by this grief and sadness. And at other times, we have managed to find something to laugh about and celebrate. And in these six months I have been holding tight to the memory of my son. I am afraid of forgetting him. Worse, I am afraid that this world will keep spinning and other people will forget about him. Even worse, I am afraid that day will turn to night and night will turn to day and as this continues to happen my son's wife will move on and we will lose her too, and she will go about life and forget him too. (Yes, I realize I am crazy to think that Suzy will ever forget Nick. I know that realistically, that will never happen. But the grieving mom in me is afraid of that.) I have talked about that before. I have heard everyones' reassurances... But still.. my heart can be burdened by such thoughts. And with all of this on my mind, there is a really selfish side of me that says, "My son died 6 months ago. And from the moment he died, all happy things are put on hold until the mourning period is over." (I have no idea how long the mourning period is supposed to be, but a year sounds reasonable.) In that year's time frame, my selfish side says: No on can get pregnant. No one can get married. No one can get engaged. No one can be happy and move on with their lives. Period. (When I say no one.. I mean my immediate family as well as extended family.) Yes, I realize this is completely selfish and unrealistic. But I feel like seeing these happy positive things happen in their lives is a reflection of them forgetting that Nick died and that my family is still in mourning. That there are dreams unfulfilled in this family, and when others move on I feel like they are forgetting the gaping hole in my heart and in my life.
Like I said, I am being selfish.
Having people stop their lives isn't going to bring Nick back. And really, is a year enough mourning time? Is 6 months from now going to be any better than today? I don't know.
What I do know is.. I don't like change. I have never been all that great with change. I am a control freak. Yes, I know control is just an illusion. I realize I have no control or responsibility over what happened with Nick. And I continue to have little to no control or responsibility over what happens with my surviving children..especially my adult children. All I can do is be the bystander and watch their lives unfold. I can chime in when they ask. I can guide when asked or when I see the need to say something. But really, I am just a bystander standing here with a heart filled with love hoping for the best possible outcome in their lives... even when the change that happens hurts.
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