January 17, 2015 What Are You Made Of?

I guess that is the question Naomi is going to find out on Valentines Day.

Naomi has spent many years being bullied and really feeling the affects of low self esteem.   What I taught her as a tween has just kinda gotten forgotten. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out what we could do to help her self-esteem and prove to herself that she is stronger than she thinks she is.  What I know from all of the self-help stuff I have done and from my own personal life experience is that in order to learn that you are stronger than you think you are, you need to make yourself uncomfortable.  You need to do something crazy and follow through with it, even if it looks like you "fail", at least you pushed yourself and tried and learned valuable lessons along the way.   However, with everything I have done over the years:  board breaking, arrow breaking at my neck, walking on coals, cliff jumping, marathon running, ultra marathon running, belly dance, burlesque, 400 mile bike rides...the thing that I have learned the most from is my training for the ultra  marathon (or any of my races where I spent HOURS upon HOURS by myself, pushing  myself to meet a goal or just finish a race when I felt like shit and thought I would die).  

With that said, I asked Naomi (who used to do 5Ks with me and called them marathons..when she was 5) today if she wanted to do a 1/2 marathon with me today.  I told her we could walk the 1/2 marathon, and we would need to train for it to build up her distances.   To my shock and surprise she said yes and sounded rather eager!  I explained that this would be a good way for her to find out what she is made of and to push herself and do something she never thought she could do.  There is a lot of strength and self wisdom to be gained in this process.  And we are going to do it together!  I am excited to be on this journey with her!   She is fully in because once we bought her some winter running gear and some running shoes, that means she is ALL in!  It's all about the clothes, don't you know?   We had to have a little lesson about what is appropriate running gear (socks, shoes, clothing).  What does wicking mean.  Why can't she wear cotton socks or anything else made of cotton.  How to keep warm.  We discussed layering.  It' a whole education, that I certainly didn't have when I took up this sport. *laugh*  We had a great time shopping for our 1/2 marathon training...now we just need to train.  I guess we could have gone out in the rain today, but I want her to LIKE this...... *laugh*

Today has been amazing day.  We started it out with the Add The Words Rally in downtown Boise at the State Capitol.  There were easily 1000 people there. There was lots of laughter, hugs, tears, dancing,  and singing.  And LOTS of selfies were taken.  Add The Words is a movement to add "Gender Identity" and "Sexual Orientation" to the Idaho Human Rights Act to protect those people in the LGBT community from being fired or evicted.  After 9 years of trying to get a hearing, the state of Idaho has finally decided to give Add The Words a hearing which starts the week of January 26th.  Finally we have an opportunity to not just be heard but to PASS this bill and protect our citizens!!  Today,  Omi, Tracy and I stood holding our church banner and our friend Mishi joined us.  Being there with my family means the world to me.  Being there with Mishi means even more than I can say on this blog.  I love my supportive amazing community!!!

After the rally, Omi ran off with her voice instructor, Leta, (who was also at the rally) to her voice lessons while Tracy, Mishi and I went to coffee.  I had THE BEST Chai Latte made with coconut milk.  OMG!!!  So amazing!!!

Anyway... Oh also.... last night, Tracy and I had a sit down chat with Omi and her boyfriend.  I found out that they had been skyping and falling asleep while skyping and the skype would stay on.  So basically, they are connected 24 hours a day.  They say they do this because it helps with their anxiety.  But in reality, I think it keeps their anxiety going.  There is something to be said for being detached for a little bit....for being by yourself and with your own thoughts.  Always leaning on people makes you weaker.  Self reliance is a muscle that needs to be exercised.   If you are constantly leaning on other people, you never know what it is like to stand on your own two feet and you become weaker and more dependent on other people.  It's a trap.  At first it feels good to have someone you love right there with you, and then soon (if you don't take time to be alone) you become so dependent on them and they on you, that it becomes unhealthy.

We set new boundaries for Omi.  At 10:00 PM, her phone and her computer will be taken to our bedroom.  She does not need them in the middle of the night.

1)  To have a radio on, a TV on, or even a skype channel up and active tells your unconscious that it needs to be awake and alert and it does not allow you to get the kind of rest you need.  Don't believe me?  Try falling asleep with the TV on and see what kind of dreams you have?  I guarantee you they will be about whatever is on that TV.

2)  No one needs to be connected 24/7.  NO ONE!  (here is where I start to sound old).  Tracy and I didn't have this kind of technology at our hands when we were kids.  Yes, we had phones.  But we had rules.  NO phone calls after 10pm.  (Sometimes we broke those rules and hoped we didn't get busted......HOWEVER, we NEVER stayed up all night on the phone.)  We spent time disconnected from each other.  More importantly, we are married now and Tracy travels or I am out of town and we still don't stay connected 24/7... even when we miss each other so much that it hurts!

Teenagers these days have entirely too much technology at their disposal.  Thanks to what Tracy does for a living, our kids have always had computers.  But it wasn't until this past Summer that they got smart phones.  And Tracy taught Naomi how to skype a while ago so she could talk to her cousins.   But man, kids these days are constantly connected. Either via social  media or their blasted phones or both!  And its just not good for them.  I think this constant connectivity helps aggravate Omi's anxiety.... for several reasons.....

1) Comparing yourself to other's lives.
2) Allowing kids to be mean and passive aggressive if not down right obnoxious very publicly or privately via PMs
3)  Always being connected and never spending time alone prevents them for learning to listen to their inner dialogue
4)  always being connected keeps them from getting out into nature and being active which helps prevent depression
5)  ... Well the list could go on and just thinking about it makes my head hurt *laugh*

I was also told that for anxiety, you should disconnect at least an hour before bed time in order to help you unwind and sleep.  I know this is true in my own case.  If I am on line right before I go to bed and something (even good) can pop up on my screen that can keep me awake or cause me to stress over something.  You mind needs down time.   This isn't just computer related.. its TV related as well.  What you watch right before you go to bed sets the tone for how well you will sleep.  (Or at least it does on my end.)  I try to watch a comedy or something light hearted before I sleep.  And when I was recovering from my head trauma, my brain needed frequent breaks for ANY stimulation in order to heal and regenerate. People with Anxiety need this as well.

So yes, we set new boundaries for Omi.  We thought we would come up against a huge temper tantrum. But instead, I think Omi looked a bit relieved.  I don't know if she was, but she certainly didn't fight us.  Neither did Kasey.  Actually, we taught him something he didn't know about his brain, which is cool.  And today, she has been reminding me over and over again that we need to buy her a real alarm clock (since she uses her phone).  So not only is she NOT against it, but she is supporting it!

Tonight as I started my blog, Omi even asked me how I decide what to write in my blog.  I discussed my thought processes and how it works.  Who knows. Maybe she will start journaling on her own.  I keep telling her that it would be good for her.  Then she asked me what my #100happydays picture would be.  I told her it would probably be the selfie of me, her and Tracy at the rally today.  The smile on her face was priceless.  I love hanging out with her, and I am very grateful for the time I have been getting with her lately.

January 16, 2015 Parenting, Panic and Grief

My brain is a jumble with all kinds of thoughts today....

Having a young adult son die with children still at home is a challenge that no one can really train or prepare for.  There are all sorts of things that complicate the matter and turn it from just grief over a lost child to a whole bunch of other issues.

Earlier in the week, I saw a meme that was a graph (of sorts) demonstrating the grief and secondary loss caused by the loss of a spouse.  Since it was my son who died, I didn't really give it too  much thought.  I did look at it and think about Suzy and saw how it applied to her. But I did not give it much thought about how it applied to me.  It mentioned the loss of a spouse being the primary loss, but then it talks about the secondary things you may experience grief over, like the loss of income, loss of identity, that kind of thing.  Today I started thinking about what secondary loss might look like in my life.  How else does the loss of Nick affect my life?  What else am I mourning?   How does it affect other people in my family?

For Me:
Initial Loss:  Nick.
Secondary Loss:  A bit of my identity as a parent (even though I still have children at home), Loss of future/dreams, Loss of family structure/identity, Loss of "time" (having all of a sudden having to deal with things/people/situations that I had not planned on dealing with that are taking more of my time, Loss of a job (mine),  A bit of a financial loss (my job as well as some savings that we were counting on)

For My Kids:
Initial Loss: Nick
Secondary Loss:  Loss of family structure..where do they fit now that things have changed, Loss of time with mom when they needed me the most and I was in Florida and even now as I am still trying to juggle life here with my mom, Loss of income (for Nate as he lost his job due to grief over his brothers death).

I am not certain if any of those are correct or if I missed some or whatever, but what I do know is that the grief we all feel is much more than just losing Nick.  It's the other things around Nick... a brother to talk to, a Son to count on for the younger ones to go to, moving mom and Suzy here and readjusting family structure.  There is just entirely too much to cope with around here.  It's just more complicated than "Nick died.  I'm sad. Next."

One of the things that hit me like a ton of bricks last week or so, is that maybe Naomi was beginning to feel left out.  I remember when I was her age.  It actually started when I was 11 or 12 and my brother Mark (who I looked up to as a Dad) went into the Navy.  I felt like he was leaving me and it broke my heart.  I counted on him for so much (even if he didn't realize it).  He went away, but he came back to visit and he sent me letter and sent me gifts from different ports of call.  It wasn't the "Things" that I loved as much as it was him thinking about me.  Then all of a sudden (when I was about 14 or 15), he decided he was going to marry Maryanne.  Not only was he going to marry her, but my mom (for whatever reason) had gotten all involved in Maryann and I was feeling completely left out of the loop.  Like all of a sudden Maryanne was taking away my mom AND my brother.  I hated her for it (back then, and for years into my adulthood).  I finally got over it, but it took me a very VERY long time.

So fast forward to 8 year old Naomi.  She knew Nick was going to marry Suzy.  Suzy had been in Omi's life for years by now, so she wasn't new to the family.  Naomi was involved in the wedding.  She helped with preparations.  But she also knew that once they got married, Suzy and Nick were moving to Florida.   (The day Nick and Suzy moved to Pocatello for College, Omi was a wreck. She was a wreck for a long time.)  Naomi LOVED Nick...the sun rose and set on him as far as she was concerned.  So the day Suzy and Nick got married, Naomi broke down into tears because she realized her brother would be moving to Florida very soon.  Naomi loved Suzy. There was no animosity there.  Fast forward 6 years to now.  Nick died and is never coming back to Omi (or anyone).  When Omi, my mom, Tracy and Nate came back to Idaho, I had to stay back in Florida. I didn't have to stay back there just for Suzy, I also had to close up my mom's house.  But, at a time when Omi needed me the most, she saw me still in Florida and saw pictures of me and Suzy having fun. She didn't see the hard times.  All she must have seen and felt is that mom was leaving her behind.... that Suzy had not just taken Nick but was now taking Mom too.   Then Suzy moved in with us and Suzy and I spend time during the day while Omi is at school.  There is no question that Suzy and I bonded a bit tighter while we both reeled from the loss of Nick.  But at the same time, it was perfect (for us).  However, Omi may feel a bit different.  She lost her brother and she needed her mom and mom was in Florida with Suzy.  

So when I asked Omi if she was feeling left out, she said "yes".  *sigh*  I explained to her about what happened when I was her age, and that I NEVER want her to feel that way and that no one could take me away from her.  But I have never had to juggle 2 girls in the same house.  Omi went from being an only girl with lots of quality mom time to sharing me with another girl.  She also went from the baby of the family to an almost "middle child" experience.  Suzy maybe the oldest, but with her moving in, she is kind of put into a position of "new kid on the block" or "youngest" position (at least for a little while).  So I understand how Omi feels.  I get it.

Add to the mix, the time I spend with my mom.  Making sure mom is being taken care of, getting her to her new doctor's appointment, and since we are using her car until ours is back from the repair from the accident, taking my mom shopping.

I am trying to juggle being a parent and a child and a wife all at the same time.  How the heck am I supposed to do all of those things and keep all of those balls in the air during a time of grief?

Omi has been experiencing more and more panic attacks.  I am doing my best to help her with those.  But I feel as though I am failing.  I ran across Omi's calendar on her wall.  It was hiding the light switch, and I was in her room (at her request) getting something she needed for school.  I went to turn off the light, and saw on her calendar that she had written "Today I found out that mom doesn't care".  My heart shattered.  What did I do on that day to make her say that or feel that way?  I am trying.  I honestly am.

Her self-esteem has been taking a dump and rather fast.  She experiences panic attacks.  She is depressed.  And here I am feeling like the Pastor who's child has gone off on the wild side.  I used to teach self-esteem and assertiveness to girls. Naomi took that class so many times.  And yet, here she is, feeling like this.  What did I do wrong?  How do I fix it?  I'm doing everything I can think of... creative outlets (voice lessons, belly dance, counseling, changed her schools.....)  What else is there?  I get up in the mornings to drive her to school to help alleviate some of the social anxiety she feels at the beginning of the day.  I do my best to try and talk to her and spend quality time with her (though to be fair since I have come back from Florida, things have been a bit wonky).  Even before that, she spent alot of time in her room talking on the phone or computer with her friends.  Maybe I need to limit her online time? Where is the balance between "I need my friends to help me with my panic attacks" and *this is just too much online time for you. You need to do something else*  (but what?).

How am I supposed to be everything to everyone and still take care of me?  How do I know what is right?  How do I know what is wrong?  How do I know what is real grief and how do I know what is real panic?    People keep telling me that I am a good parent, but today I feel like I am failing miserably.  I feel like I am stretched so thin that I can't be great at any one thing much less all things.  I feel like I am letting someone down or doing "just enough" for everyone and not getting things done for anyone.

Feeling stressed, confused, and quite frankly lost.

January 15, 2015 Another Great Day

Today has been a crazy busy day, but that is the way life works when you are a taxiing mom, getting costumes ready for burlesque and bellydance, and just generally living life with all of that going on :).  I am so grateful I do not have a job outside of the home!

I am really grateful for my time with Omi in the mornings.  It's quiet and we get to spend quality time together.  And this morning, I got to see a beautiful sun rise out my back window!  It was gorgeous and just what I needed to start my day!

After shuttling her and Tracy off to where they needed to be, it was time for me and Suzy to hit the stores and get her stuff picked out for the burlesque performance.  She has never done this kind of thing before... sewing/costume making... so she was kind of at a loss.  I gave her a quick run down at Joann's and then we went to Home Fabric to check out the fringe for her.  For Suzy, the best fringe was at Joann's.  We went back to Joann's got the things that we needed.  Then we headed over to JC Pennys at the mall.  Suzy found the right panties and I found the right panties and a robe. Yay!!!!

Again, back to the house to drop Suzy off and I went out to lunch with Tracy then followed it up with some more shopping at Walmart.  Oy Vay!

When it was all said and done, I had about and hour to try on my goodies and make final selection for my burlesque costume.  Naomi came home and I showed her what I had planned on wearing and what the creative plans were for the fringe and together  we decided how best to create my masterpiece.  This whole costume thing is tricky for me.  I am certainly a curvy woman, and deciding on what looks best on my body while still be sexy is a balancing act.  In the end, I decided on a retro look and I think it will be amazing and classy.

Tonight we are heading out to watch The Red Light Variety Show with my mom, Suzy, and Tracy. Nate decided to bail.  I am hoping it will be a good time had by all.

I had something deeper to say tonight, but have no time.  Maybe tomorrow.

January 14, 2015 A Shimmy and a Shake and a Punch in the Gut

More better minutes than not....

This morning, all I wanted to do was sleep (since I didn't sleep much last night).  But alas, I had a busy day ahead of me.  Until further notice (or at least until Spring and Motorcycle weather), I am the only way people are getting anywhere, which makes me a very busy person!  I left this morning for the final time at 8:45 or so and I didn't get home till 6.  During that time, I shopped, had lunch with Tracy, shopped some more, went to the gym, picked up Tracy and went to the grocery store then home!  Crazy day!

Last night, just as I was going to bed, I received an email from Frankly Frankie, my Burlesque mentor, with the ideas and thoughts for our performance which is next week.  I have a week and a half to get costuming together. The last one I made for burlesque took all of my free time.  *laugh*  This one should be a bit easier, or at least it looks like it should be.  There is no stripping in this routine so I don't have to worry about quite as  much.  However, I DID just go bra shopping and spent a small fortune and bras, and its freaking hard to find the right bra (even for burlesque).  So, I wanted to use one I already bought, but find a way not to destroy it.  I also had some specific ideas for my bottoms so the fringe I needed to be longer than a couple of inches.  Gratefully, one of my burlesque sisters sent me to Home Fabrics to find the fringe. It was fringe heaven!!!  Angles sang as I walked down the fringe isle!

I found the perfect fringe, and then ended up heading to the mall to take another look at bras, just in case.  Nope. Nada.  Nothing!  However, while walking through the mall, for whatever reason, I started thinking about some of our very first friends we had when we first moved here 12 years ago.  Jeannie and Bryan. We were really close with them. They had a daughter a year or 2 older than Nick.  Bryan used to go skiing with us alot when we moved here.  Nick loved Bryan.  We used to head out to the lake with Bryan to go wind surfing.  We spent alot of time with them.  I don't know if they know about Nick.  It's been a while since we have seen or spoke with them.  But for whatever reason, I all of a sudden had a vision in my head of  meeting them again, and doing what parents do.....catch up and ask about each other's kids.  I pictured what it would be like to tell them that Nick was dead.  A punch in the gut!   It was almost as bad as the moment I found out about Nick.  I just about dropped to my knees right there in the mall.

How did that happen?  Did I really forget that Nick was gone?  Had all of my shopping and all of my prepping for burlesque gotten me to forget that I lost my boy?  Then I wondered what would happen when I am "finished" healing.. if that is ever a thing.  Will I just go on about my days and forget about my son?  I know logically that I will never forget about him.  But in this moment, just a 2 months after his death, isn't it too soon to be going about my day and forget about him?     I don't know.

I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, but I kept moving on.

I got the rest of my shopping done and I was focused on the task at hand.  Then it was time to hit the gym.  I had an appointment with the trainer to learn how to use the sand bells (bags filled with sand in various weights and used like dumb bells or kettle bells).  To be honest, I was trying to get out of this.  I was hoping that Nate would need me to drive him to an interview, but he didn't.  LOL.  I forced myself to the gym.  The session was hard.  We did 3 sets of the same exercises, but the reps started with 20, then 16, then down to 12.    After the first set, I really didn't think I would be able to keep going.  But I sucked it up and kept fighting. I am stronger than that.  And sure enough, I made it through and  I didn't even puke.  My heart rate got up; I got my sweat going and I learned a new workout routine.   In case you are counting... that is 3 out of 3 days I have been in the gym!  Go me!!!

Yesterday, my friend and I talked about our goals.  He joined a weight loss competition and was encouraging me to join as well.  Here's the deal. I am scared to make any real goals beyond a daily goal to take care of myself.  Why?  Because I feel like my life is kind of like a punching bag right now.  I am afraid that if I make a huge goal, life is going to come along and punch me in the gut and keep me from reaching that goal, and honestly, I don't think I could take that kind of let down again.   So for now, my goal remains to get more dance in my life, make little changes consistently, and work towards getting back to the size 10 I was before I injured my back.  I am afraid that this size 10 will take much longer to get to since I am not running.  I am not sure that I can run.  My knee is cranky, even from the exercise I am doing.  I am afraid running will really take my knee out.  The trails are not the best for hiking right now.  So I am just doing the best I can do.    One day at a time.  Get some kind of exercise in daily... walking, dancing, or the gym.   Drink 1 soda a day (in the morning or in the afernoon for a pick up).  Drink water the rest of the time.  Order water at restaurants instead of soda.  These are things I CAN do and will help in the long run.   This is good enough for now.    Maybe later, I will make some more major adjustments, but for now... this is good.

January 13, 2015 Is This What Normal Feels Like???

Today life felt almost "normal".  

Even though Omi can take the bus to school, I am getting up and taking her myself.  At first we were excited for her to take the bus cause we thought it would give her a chance to make friends in the neighborhood and thus at school.  But that is really not happening.  And now with Nick's accident, she is not sleeping and waking up with major panic attacks.   Waking up with a panic attack is never fun, now think about getting onto a loud bus packed with high schoolers first thing in the morning.  Ya, not so much fun.  By the time Omi gets to school, she can sometimes be a complete wreck before even getting off of the bus.  (She had serious anxiety issues before school started, and had gotten tons better before Nick's accident.)  The other day, she had a really bad panic attack in school and was a complete wreck when she got home from school.  I decided that I would take her to school every day to help her ease her way in to the day.  She also has permission to go and sit in the nurses office or the counselors office to just breathe and center herself during the day if she needs it.  She just won't take it.  Missing classes is something that she doesn't really like to do.  However, everyone at school knows about what happened to Nick and she has been given an "out" while she heals.  She said its her panic attack brought on by school and she can't be in school its too hard.  I had to explain to her that this isn't just about school and it isn't just school that is bringing on the panic attacks.  I reminded her that she had gotten tons better before Nick's accident, and now the grief is triggering more.  The grief that she feels makes everything heavier and more intense.  And THAT is what is causing the big panic attacks.  And I reminded her to be gentle with herself and take time for herself in school.   

Anyway, all of that happened yesterday. So today, I got up early to get her to school.  Good thing, too, cause she was still asleep!  Then I had to get Tracy to work and I could head to the gym.  I worked out for an hour or so.  My arms were  noodles by the time I was done!  It feels great to be back in the gym.

My body may not look like the size 10 it used to be, but it sure feels like the size 10 on the inside. Now it's just a matter of getting the outside to match the inside :). 

I came home and at lunch and read my new book some and then ended up taking a nap.  I was so exhausted.   I know that the grief makes me a bit more exhausted than normal.  I don't usually take naps during the day, but I am finding myself more exhausted at like 1-2pm.  If I am not eating something or drinking caffeine, I need to sleep and rest.  And that is okay.  I give myself permission to take a nap today.  

I know this blog is kinda of boring today, but today just felt kinda like a normal day.  Or as close to one as I have had in a very long time.  I'll take it!  

January 12, 2015... Blogging First Thing In The Morning

I wanted to blog first thing this morning because I was reminded about something I wanted to talk about a few days ago, but the daily grind changed my blogging idea.

I wanted to blog about Nick instead of just how I am doing or whatever is going on with me that day.

***This is much longer than I thought it was going to be.. so get a cup of coffee/tea/whatever and relax.***

Being our first born, he was a huge teacher.   The moment I found out that I was pregnant with him, he began to teach me... well actually he began to teach me before I even KNEW I was pregnant.  See, Tracy and I were not yet married when we found out that I was pregnant with Nick.   It was 2 weeks before our planned wedding date.   Tracy came over to my apartment and was very upset.  He had had a dream the night before that I was pregnant.  "Please tell me you are taking your birth control pills and that you can't be pregnant."  

Sheepishly I looked at him.  I had not been taking my birth control pills.  I wasn't planing or trying to get pregnant.  Actually that was the last thing I wanted.  Yet, I continued to have sex as though I WAS taking my pills.  I didn't take my pills because I would always forget to take them and then I had forgotten to take them so many times in a row, I had forgotten where I was with them.  I HATE to take pills, even the little tiny ones in birth control form.   I know you must think I was crazy and immature; which, at 19, I am positive was part of the issue.  But the other issue was that a few years before, when my father found out I was sexually active, he told me that I would NEVER be able to have children.  He told me the Satthoff women were cursed and could NEVER have babies.  Now any rational adult, would say, "Well, if that is the case, how the hell did the Saathoff name continue?"  But as a young, impressionable girl/woman, I took this as scientific fact.  Never mind the fact that my dad was supposedly Christian and didn't believe in such things as curses.

Anyway, believing that I, as a Saathoff woman, was cursed and unable to have the precious children that I so wanted, I didn't think twice about not taking my pills.  After all, I wasn't going to get pregnant, so what's the problem?

I explained this to Tracy, but he insisted that I take a pregnancy test.  And honestly, as memory recalls, I believe I was late with my period too.  Either that, or I had a feeling I was pregnant too.  Either way, I made an appointment with a doctor immediately.  Sure enough, I was pregnant.

Now Tracy and I had big plans.  I was working full time already, but we had plans to get him through college.  A baby was NOT part of this plan.  I felt like I had ruined Tracy's life with my silly belief that I had been cursed and unable to get pregnant.  I felt like I had ruined his life by not communicating with him and letting him know what I had done.  I tried my hardest to call off the wedding.  I didn't want him saddled with a baby.  I wanted him to go to college, graduate and do something with his life.  I didn't want me or a baby to get in his way.   He even had other well-meaning family members offer him a full ride to any college of his choice if he would just not marry me and get saddled with a baby.  He would have none of that.  He loved me and this was his baby and nothing was going to change his mind.   Nick was already teaching me about unconditional love and about what real family was suppose to look like.  He was teaching me about sacrifices.

Then came the break down.  Just before I had gotten pregnant, realizations of my childhood abuse had started to hit me.  I had already had some pretty violent outbursts.  I didn't know it THEN, but these outbursts (which were not characteristic of me) were part of my Dissociative Identity Disorder (what used to be called, multiple personalities).  I remembered the abuse, I would check out, and start hitting the walls and screaming in outrage.  Tracy would stand between me and the walls so that I would not get hurt.  I was reeling with this information.  I was spiraling out of control.  And then I find out that I was pregnant.  This wrecked me.  How the hell was I going to be a good mom?  I had been abused.  What I knew about a child of abuse:  They would then become abusers as well.  That is NOT what I wanted for my child.  I knew in that moment that I had to break the cycle of abuse.  It had to stop with me.

Through the years, there are many lessons that Nick facilitated.  His birth facilitated an understanding that not every birth and every woman is the same.  Just because your Mom can pop out babies like they are nothing, does not mean that you are going to.  The story of Nick's birth is a completely different blog post.. actually, I posted it a while back for his birthday I believe.   So I won't post it again.  But I am so grateful for the 27 hours of pain it took for that boy to come into this world!

Nick was a fun kid to have around.   Tracy and I were just babies ourselves. I was 19 about to turn 20 and Tracy was 20.  But we were babies.   We were broke but had our whole lives ahead of us.  We had goals and we were going to make sure we reached them.  Which included living with our parents for several years in order to get Tracy through college.  That process started with us moving to Arkansas with his family for a few months while Tracy worked in a wallpaper job in order to raise enough money for us to move to Florida to live with my parents.  For 3 months, we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with Tracy's Mom, Dad, Brother, "Aunt Henry", and Bud and sometimes "Uncle Betty".  If you are keeping count, that was sometimes 9 people in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment!  Tracy and I had our own room, and Nick slept on a pallet made on the floor in the little tiny space between the bed and the wall.  Everyone went off to work, while I stayed home with Nick.  There was 1 working TV station. No radio. No phones.  More than half the time, I had no car.  And I had no friends.  It was just me, and a crying baby.  It was my job to care for Nick and make dinner for everyone.  Dinner had to be made by the time people got home from work.  I didn't even know how to cook!   It was one of the most painful times in my life.  I was lonely and scared.  I spent my days taking lots of pictures of my growing baby.  I would rock him and sing to him, but I didn't know any songs.  I wished I had learned some lullabies.  But I knew 2 songs... Amazing Grace and Silent Night.  Silent Night became the song Nick fell asleep too.  Over and over again, if Nick cried, I sang him that song.  He would snuggle up with his blankey in my arms or on my shoulder, I would rock him and sing Silent Night to him and off to slumber land he would go.  He was so freakin' sweet.  For YEARS after that, anytime Nick would hear Silent Night played or sung during a holiday season, he would fall asleep or get very calm and sleepy.  (I am so very grateful that I made it a whole Christmas this year without once hearing that song!  That is the BIGGEST reason I avoided all Christmas movies and music this past holiday season.)

Anyway, as Nick got older and we lived in Florida, we took him everywhere.  We used to take him canoeing. We would put a life jacket on his little tiny body and put him on the floor of the canoe while we paddled through the swamps.  Sometimes, my mom would come with us, and Mom would hold him while I canoed.  Nick started surfing at 1 year old with his Daddy and our best friends Jimmy and Joey.  Nick would lay on the nose of the surfboard and Tracy would paddle out with him and catch the wave while lying kind of on top of Nick to keep him on the board until Nick was comfortable enough with the process.  Then Tracy would stand up on the board, and Nick would lay down on his belly on the nose and they would ride the wave in together.  Eventually, Nick learned to stand on his own and the guys would push the board and Nick would ride it in on his own.  He loved the ocean.  He loved surfing with his Dad and his buddies!

Nick used to go to all the college parties with us.  (Yes, we were stellar parents.)  Tracy was going to college and working at an internship at Harris.  We hung out with people our age and a bit older.  None of them had children. So these were your typical Mid 20's early 30's parties.  There was a party where all the guys (and me..cause I was just one of the guys) was in the hot tub and for some reason, the guys took their swim suits off.  And  we told Nick to get all the swim suits and throw them in the attached pool.  It was winter time and it was cold out.  Nick gladly obliged.  People always thought we were nuts and kids didn't belong at the parties.  And they probably didn't.  But Nick was just one of us.

When we had Nate, Nick was 3 years old.  Nick's favorite show was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Nick thought that since he had a little brother, his baby brother would play with him.  So he saw NOTHING wrong with playing TMNT with his brother and threw his baby brother across the room.  *laugh*  Nick wasn't allowed to watch TMNT ever again!  Even as an adult, I wasn't real certain he should watch that show!  *laugh*

Nick was an amazing big brother.  He was babysitting by the time he was 10. He would watch his little brother when we went out.  When we had Naomi, he learned to change diapers quickly and was babysitting both the kids and letting us go out on occasion.  When Nate caught the trash can on fire, Nick put it out.    Of course, Nick and Nate had their fights.  I guess they were pretty brutal (they never happened when I was around).  But Nick loved his brother, even when Nate was killing Nick on the BMX track or at skiing (and later snowboarding).

Nick was always learning something.  He may not have been very sports oriented (no matter how much we tried with baseball or soccer).  He enjoyed learning.  At the age of 12 he decided he wanted to learn about Wicca.  He was raised in a Seventh Day Adventist Church, but we had started attending the Unity Church.  He had watched me go to college and open my mind to new possibilities, and now his mind was opening as well.   So Tracy and I studied a bit about Wicca and then Tracy and Nick went down that path together.  It was pretty cool too watch. Nick LOVED it, and I loved watching him grow.  But without Nick, we would have never taken the opportunity to learn about Wicca.  He facilitated a more open heart and open mind.

There are so many stories I could tell about Nick, but the whole point of this blog was to talk about how much he helped me grow as a human being and what he taught me.  But more importantly, there is one specific memory I have of him that most people just do not know about.

Like I said before, I was abused as a kid and I ended up with DID.  But the real DID didn't come out until 6 months after Naomi was born.  They say that when a girl is sexually molested as a kid, many times they repress the memory and the memories don't come back until after they have had children (and at the time, I was told usually after they have had a baby girl.)  My sexual abuse memories started coming back after Nick was born.  I didn't know what it was back then.  But my sex drive took a major dump after he was born.  As it turns out, my body was having body memories long before my brain was having memories.  My marriage struggled a crazy amount because in my young 20's I had the sex drive of someone in their 50's it seemed.  Finally after Nate was born, I talked to my doctor.  He told me it was all in my head. Helpful, eh?    Then Naomi was born and 6 months later, the real memories came flooding back.  I won't go into the memories.  Instead I will say that I went from a 30 year old woman to a 5 year old little girl who did nothing but hold herself in a fetal position rock and cry.  Poor Tracy had no idea what to do, but he had to continue traveling for work.

We sat Nick down and explained to him what was going on.  Nick was 12 years old by this time.  At 12 years old, Nick had to be told of the horrible abuse I had endured.  He had to be told that at 12 years old, he had to watch out for his mom and his little siblings.  Mom could at any time turn into a 5 year old little girl, and he would need to make sure she (and his younger siblings) were safe.  Then later, a few other personalities came into play.  Including a very angry 15 year old.   Nick was amazing.  He knew how to talk to these personalities.  He knew how to handle them.  He knew the symptoms of me switching.  He knew how to take care of his brother and sister to make sure they were safe when I was melting down and Tracy was traveling.

All of this did not come without a price for Nick though.  I believe this is where Nick learned his temper.  It was too much for a 12 year old to be responsible for.  He watched his mom get very VERY angry.  We used to joke about my temper. I would turn into this raging monster that would stomp around the house and grow crazy teeth and green skin and crazy hair.  That is how we pictured this crazy angry mom mode.  I would get so freaking angry.     I never once raised a hand to my children.  I never once put objects before my children (okay once.. and I felt like shit.  No $20 pair of candle sconces is worth what I put Nick through when he was in grade school and broke them while he and his friend were playing).   I never hurt my children the way I had been hurt.  But I did manage to pass on my raging, volatile anger to Nick (and yes, sometimes Nate).  I wish with all of my heart that I had not passed that on to them, but Nick always told me it was not me that it started with.  He said it started with the bullies in 5th grade.  *shrug*

Anyway, Nick had alot on his plate as a kid, and he taught me so much about myself as a human being and as a mom.  I will always be grateful for the times when he had to watch out for me in my darkest moments and for the way that he loved and protected his younger siblings during this time.  I will always be proud of his strength and compassion.  And I will always be grateful for the time, as an adult, he told me how proud he was of me.  He told me he was grateful that I broke the cycle of abuse.  He told me he was proud of me for healing from all that I went through.  He told me I was a great mom.    How could I  not be?  I had a great teacher!

Today, I am grateful for amazing memories of Nick.  

January 11, 2015

I went to church by myself today.  It was great being there again.  I love my community and the support I get from them.  I love the hugs.  And of course, the tears fell, and that is perfect.

Today's talk was on "Doing".  It was on doing what needs to be done to reach the goals we had set for the year.   Rev. Jackie gave us 4 things to focus on to help us get moving in the right direction to achieve or goals.

As great as her talk was, and there were some great gems to be taken away from it, the thing that really struck me started with Leonardo Da Vinci's quote:  "Knowing is not enough; we must apply.  Being willing is not enough; we must do."   In the "New Thought" teachings, we spend alot of time "being".  We meditate; we create vision boards; we focus on changing our thinking.   But when it comes to actually *doing* that can be a completely different story.   It's all good and well to sit and meditate about being a millionaire, but you don't get rich from meditating.  You gotta DO something.

This is true, but today, as Rev. Jackie spoke, it took me in a different direction for a little bit.  It took me to yesterday's burlesque workshop.  As we were learning our choreography, there are a few times where we take our time to pause, pose, and take a break from DOING and we practice BEING.  When you think about dance, you think about movement, not stillness.   That stillness is BEING in dance.   I also think of it as the same as "negative space" in art.  It in the stillness or the nothingness, that the movement, doing, color get their meaning.  Moving without intention gets you lost.  Taking time to BE gives your movements integrity.   As a performer, that intention of stillness, gives your audience a chance to take in and receive the gift of movement that you have given them. It gives them a chance to take in the story that your movement has just told.  It gives them a moment to pause and take a breath and say.. "Ohhh.. I get it."    At the end of the song we are performing to, the choreo has us coming to a pose and being still, but the music begs for movement.  At first this was kind of bugging me.  Then I had this epiphany today.  Coming to a pose at the end and being still for the last few counts allows the audience to take it all in, catch their breath, and leave satisfied and happy without being overwhelmed by moving all of the time.  As a dancer, it allows me a chance to BE in the moment and receive love and appreciation from the audience and fill my cup that I just emptied while giving to them.  It's a very special place to be in, and its not a place that performers really like to be.  It's a vulnerable position... to just BE right there in front of a few hundred of your closest friends :).  But this is the place where we grow the most as performers... in the BEING instead of doing.  :).    (Kind of the opposite of what Rev. Jackie was teaching today, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.)

Who knew church could teach me to be a better burlesque performer!

There was also something else that Rev. Jackie said that got me.  "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." ~ Thoreau  I think that was the quote.  I thought she gave a different quote from Zig Ziglar, but I could not find it.  But basically what I came away with was this......If I wait for the time to be right to do something, the time will never be right.  I just need to keep moving towards my goals and DO IT NOW.   I kept thinking, "I have gained so much weight.  I should NOT be on stage doing burlesque with this current body.  I should wait until I have lost weight and gotten healthy."   But the fact is, Burlesque is a celebration of life in all shapes, colors, sizes, genders and ages.  There are no rules.  And if I am constantly waiting, I will never get there.  But if I just DO IT, then what I learn about myself in the process of reaching my goal will be priceless.  It's not about WHAT I get, but what I learn in the process.   It is about what I will become every time, I take a step forward and make myself vulnerable to an audience filled with people.  On that stage, I become stronger, empowered, and fierce!  There is no reason to WAIT for that, and the courage it takes to get myself from point A to point B on a stage, is a crazy emotional journey.  "It's not the destination, but the journey."

Here's to the journey!

Today's service also gave me lots of time to think about Nick.  Including the heart song sang by the guest musicians:  "Little Fire" by Patty Griffin.  I could not help but think that was Nick singing to me.  He loved fire so much!  

I came home from church today and found a gift on my front porch.  I knew from the Starbucks bag that it was from a trail running friend who is a manager at a Starbucks.  She gave me a beautiful coffee mug with a person holding onto a balloon.  She said she came across it the day she heard about Nick's ballon launch and thought it was perfect.  I have been home for a few weeks now, but she dropped it off today.  And today it was perfect!  I am so grateful she heard Nick tell her to give it to me. I am so glad she delivered it today. A message from my son.... love from my running community....  I cried.  I showed it to Tracy, and he agreed with me and cried.  

Then I was off to lunch with my friend Tami.  It takes alot to get me out the door to hang with friends these days.  I really just kinda wanna stay inside where its safe.  I feel kinda bad because I am just not the happy happy person I used to be.  There were moments that all I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't...not in the middle of a restaurant.  And everything feels so......well... so... frivolous.  Talking about Christmas presents and finding the perfect gift for her children.  I know in my pre-grief mind, I would understand and totally get it... but in my current state all I can think is, "ya, gifts are great, but its time with teh kids that really matter."  (And she spends LOTS Of time with her kids. She is a great mom.)  This is all just me.   We went to the mall, and she kept asking me if there was a store I wanted to go into or something I wanted.  But all I could think was, "things just don't matter."  I shopped the other day for what I needed.  I don't need anything."   There was a time when she and I would spend hours laughing and shopping and eating and having a great time.  Now I just feel like a miserable person to be around.  I'm sad.  I just am.    It takes alot for me to go out with people and be around people.  At this rate, I am going to lose all of my friends from being a debbie downer.  *laugh*

This whole grief thing comes in waves and ebs and flows.  It's the worst kind of roller coaster there is.  For someone who was always so  happy and ready for the next party, this whole bi-polar, never know how I will be feeling from one moment to the next is a very difficult thing.

For those of you who are reading this... for my friends.. thank you for loving me and supporting me.