Be Careful What You Ask For....

****** WARNING*******  I am always authentic in what I post, but this blog post is going to get very REAL.  Might have some adult language and is going to be deep and possibly disturbing to anyone who has a past with sexual assault.  Read at your own risk.

Moving and clearing things out has a way of stirring emotional shit up.  I have been getting rid of excess stuff that has been stored and not used.  It has been freeing.  But just last weekend, more stuff was stirred up.

Ever since the end of last year, I have been dealing with weight and food issues coming back.  I could not figure out why.  Back in 2011, a switch just flipped for me and eating right and taking care of myself just came really easily.  And now, its a hard fight.  I don't get it.  What has switched in me and how do I get it to switch back?   (This has been on my mind for a while.. and getting worse as I see the pounds pack on and sizes increase...especially as snowboard season approaches and I seriously doubt I will fit into my gear.)

Anyway, last Thursday, I got an email from our current property manager for the house we are living in.  They wanted to show the house today (Monday) at 5pm.  We are still living here and was not planning on deep cleaning the house until after we moved.  AND I read this right after finding out that a friend had passed and our bonus children were needing our help to get them from Twin Falls to Boise on Friday (a whole day used up in driving).  On top of all of this, we also planned on spending the entire weekend at the new house getting it ready for floors to be laid this week (painting walls, doing baseboards, running hoses for the fish tank).  There was NO time scheduled to do a deep clean of the current house.  Not to mention the idea of strangers wandering through my house that I am living in completely creeps me out.  

Anyway, all of this started to stir up stuff.  Tracy called me neurotic for not wanting people to help me clean my current house.  I got really mad at him, but to be honest, what he said made me think.  He is right.  I am a bit crazy when it comes to allowing people to help me clean.  He said it comes from my childhood home that was covered in roaches and animal feces and trash.  We had maids, but it didn't help.  I grew up in filth. I just did.  There is no way around it.  Mind you, my house may get messy, but it is NOT the house I grew up in.  With that said, we do have severe pet damage to our rugs downstairs in the basement.    All of my pets are doggy door trained, but we made the mistake of buying couches that were used and had (without us knowing) some animal marking on them.. that drove dogs who came to visit my house crazy.  AND we had other dogs visit my house that were NOT trained... which pissed me off to no end.  AND we had a dieing dog that had issues before he passed.  So ya...  Not pretty.  NO matter how much I shampoo, the carpets are disgusting.  And yes, it takes me back to when I was a kid growing up in that house.  I don't want people in my house.  I don't even want my friends in my house.  I have told the property management about the carpets.  It is no secret to them.  But still.  It makes me literally crazy.  (And yes, I get to use literally.. and you will see why in a minute.)

Anyway, I spent the remainder of the day Friday (after doing all of that driving) and all day Saturday cleaning the house and shampooing carpets (well Tracy shampooed most of it).  Friday night, I decided to indulge in an altered state and do some meditation.  In that meditation, I asked "Why am I fighting with food and weight again?"  

Like I said, be careful what you ask for!

For those of you who do not know, I used to have DID (Dissociate Identity Disorder...or multiple personalities).  This was caused from childhood rape and severe trauma.  Actually, from the time I was 5 until I was in my 30's I was sexually assaulted several times by several different people.  And the personalities I had collected the memories and held them for me and protected me from them in order for me to survive.  I have spent a couple of decades dealing with body memories and actual real memories and personalities... healing and integrating.  DID and PTSD are not that is easy to heal from.  And the concussion I sustained last year was nice enough to bring back some of the PTSD symptoms, but I have managed to keep them in check (or so I thought). Anyway...

I asked that question Friday night, and the answer I received was NOT what I was expecting.  In this state of mind, I was altered enough to let down my guard and these personalities that have been quiet for so long all came out to "play" and by "play", I mean brought back ALL of the memories of ALL of the sexual assaults in DETAIL.  I was actually reliving ALL of the assaults... physically and emotionally.  My 45 year old Martha had checked out, and these other personalities took over.  I was crying, begging for it to stop, kicking and flailing trying to get away from my perpetrators.  It was horrific!  It wasn't until I heard Tracy (from the distance.. even though I was in his arms) saying, "Can Martha come back to me?"  that I realized I had checked out and they had taken over.    

Poor Tracy was there trying to hold me and comfort me while I cried, kicked, flailed.  All he could do was watch as I was terrorized by my memories as inside I felt every touch of my assaults.  Once I heard Tracy trying to talk to the personalities and ask them to let me come back, I realized I had to fight my way back.  I had never had all of them take over at one time like that.  They kept switching back and forth.  From the background of my mind, I could feel my physical body contorting as each personality took over.  I was afraid I would not be able to come back from this.  I had to beg and plead these personalities to calm down and let me back.  I had to assure them, that Tracy was there and taking care of me... that I was safe and this was all in the past.  I had to thank them for protecting me and ask them to let me come back.  I had to console the crying 5 year old, calm the angry 15 year old and make promises to the one I know is there but has no name or age that I can remember.  

Finally they retreated and let me come back.  I guess I had my answer.  WTF??? I thought I had dealt with all of this shit before.  Why is it back now?  I spent Saturday morning in Tracy's arms trying to explain what had happened and what I was feeling... and apologizing for what I must have put him through the night before.  *sigh*

Then last night as I slept, I had a dream in which I was explaining in great detail my original child hood trauma.  I felt so sad and broken in my sleep.  I was with some new love interest  (some anonymous person in my dream).  I had explained everything to him, and he loved me anyway.  

I realize that way back when I was dealing with all of this, this stuff always came up around October and lasted until January.  It was "that time of year".  Well guess what?  Look at the calendar. Yup, October is 2 days away.  And I'm moving, getting rid of things, clearing things out.  And I'm dealing with some things that literally make me crazy.  So I guess I have my answer... and there is more work in this regard to be done.  

When will the healing be completely done?  The mind has an amazing way of giving you what you can deal with, when you can deal with it.  When it knows you are strong enough, it gives you more.  I say, "Alright, already!  Enough!  You obviously think I'm stronger than I think I am.  Thanks for the vote of confidence, but enough already!"

I'm ready for the move to be over with.  I'm ready to have life back to normal.  I'm ready to start this new adventure in life.. come what may!

How Could Something So Peaceful Stir Up PTSD?

In February and March of this year, I participated in several peaceful demonstrations, one resulting in arrest.  These demonstrations were peaceful in nature.  We stood silently, respectfully, focussed on our mission and on saving the lives of the oppressed LGBT by asking the state government to hold a hearing to add the 4 words Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation to the already existing state Human Rights Act.  In the many arrest actions (as well as other non arrest actions) held, our group was not aggressive.  Yes, we blocked important door ways or hall ways sometimes, but we NEVER attacked anyone.  We NEVER spoke harshly to anyone.  However, the same can not be said for those whom we blocked.

Our group was pushed.  Some of our group were bruised.  Some of our group were physically hit by government officials.  And on multiple occasions our group was physically threatened by a "legally blind" man named Fred (a citizen of Idaho who likes to attend all of the public meetings in the capitol). When he approached our group and tried to break through the lines, he would purposefully pump into us.  He could see us. He knew we were there.  And, as we were trained to do, those whom he bumped into would respond with "ouch!".  Fred would respond with something like, "If you want ouch, I can hit you with my stick."  (I am paraphrasing, but it was captured on the live feed of the day I got arrested.  And it was captured by our own video crews and can be seen in the documentary made about Adding the Four Words.)

Anyway, these peaceful actions, though peaceful on our part were not always met with peaceful responses.  The day I was arrested, we were yelled at by other citizens.  I heard several of my friends yelling "Ouch!" as they were being hit by government officials.  And all I could do was stand there, silently, peacefully, respectfully and let this happen. We all knew what we signed up for, and unfortunately, this was part of it.  While that was happening, I was in tears as I stood there. We were being "victims" of abuse.  I don't like the word "victim"....especially since it was our choice to stand there and take what we knew would likely happen. But in a legal sense, if charges had been pressed (which we never did), we would have been deemed "victims".  So that is the word I use.  However, in reality, standing there, we were empowered and we were exercising that empowerment. But why.... why.....if I was so empowered, do I feel PTSD creeping in.

6 months after being arrested, I was in a restaurant. As I was leaving and walking towards the exit, I saw him.  FRED!  The "legally blind man" from the capitol.   Just as if I had a seen a rattle snake in my path, I turned the other direction and wanted to scream and run.  Fear filled every fiber of my being.  I turned back around and walked back to my husband.  My heart was racing.  I said... "Look!  Fred is here!"  Tracy never went to the demonstrations.  He was not really familiar with this elderly "gentleman" who harassed peaceful demonstrators for sport. However, my husband did see him threatening the people in my group that I was arrested with.  He saw him do it via live streaming video. But still, Fred was out of context to him and I was so frantic, I could not explain who it was in that moment.

We left the restaurant, and I felt completely shaken up.  And I asked Tracy, "Why does seeing that man, now, make me feel this way?"   It was more of a rhetorical question. I knew Tracy couldn't answer. Not may people would understand how I was feeling...or how I am STILL feeling.    Well there are about 100 people who might understand.  Those are the 100 people that got arrested during this past legislative session.  Those of us who cried for years for equality. Who cried for months during our demonstrations. Those of us who stood at the lines of this abuse.  Those of us who remember the suicides of LGBT youth..the ones we stood and fought for. Those of us who silently walked the halls of the capitol, hands on the shoulder of the person in front of us... walking silently with hand over our mouths holding pictures of these fallen youth.....while lawmakers averted their gaze and refused to recognize the pain in our state.  Those are the people who will understand how I am feeling today.

I guess that is how something so peaceful can stir up my PTSD.  Fred, the legally blind rattle snake that can make me scream and run the other direction.  *sigh*  You can see him in the video link below.

Add the Words Movie Trailer

This too shall pass, and one day all Idaho residents will be treated fairly and equally.

The Highs and the Lows of Hiking in the Mountains

You expect them right?  I mean there IS altitude change in there.  But THAT isn't what I am talking about.

I went for a hike today.  It was my first long hike since back surgery 14 weeks ago.  I decided to hike 5 Mile Gulch to Watchman Trail to Three Bears, to Rocky Canyon Road and back to my car.  Somewhere around 6 miles.  This route does some climbing; actually there is climbing at the beginning either way I decided to go.  I was super stoked to be out hiking in my happy place!

Anyway, I have not done any real climbing since right before surgery.  I did 6 miles on Pole Cat right before surgery.  That was slow too.  But today, was SUPER slow.

I started out on 5 Mile Gulch with a pace of a 25 minute mile.  Last year at this time, I was doing this same stretch of trail at a minimum of 18 minutes/mile.  Then again, last year I was training for my first ultra marathon and I was in pretty damn good shape (not the BEST shape of my life, but I was strong, healthy and lighter).  As I hiked this trail, I started beating myself up.  "You are so slow!" "You have gained so much weight!"  "You are no where NEAR where you were a year ago!" "You might as well just turn back."  Ugh!!!!  Seriously!  I reached the fork at 5 Mile Gulch and Watchman Trail; its about a mile and a half in and it took me entirely too long.  I was so discouraged.  But I told myself to keep going.  Turning back was just silly.

After throwing a pitty party for myself, I decided to stop worry about pace and just enjoy the fact that I am ABLE to be out there enjoying the beautiful day. The sun had not risen over the mountains yet, so it was still cool and the first signs of Autumn had already fallen onto the ground.

Once I had shifted my focus, my feet felt lighter.  I had a skip in my step.  I was stopping to take more pictures.  I was feeling frisky and I was going over the last couple of years of my life. I was taking stock of all of my accomplishments.  I am MORE than the slow pace in which I am hiking. In the last 4 years, I completed 4 marathons, 4 half marathons, a 10K,  a couple of 5Ks, and a 50K.  I road my bike 400 miles in a week including my first century ride in that week, started belly dancing and have performed numerous times including a duet with my beautiful daughter, and gave birth to my burlesque persona and performed for the first time ever on stage as a solo act.  I have done all of this with 3 years of injury:  Knee surgery in 2012, head injury in 2013, and my back injury/surgery in 2014. I have had amazing accomplishments that don't even count as official races, like the fact that my training runs just for fun were marathon distances.  (That still cracks me up that I have become that person.)  I found my love for trail running and have enjoyed the mountains tremendously.  I have found a love for cycling and would love to do so much more of it.  I found my love for performing as a dancer..either with my belly dancing sisters or putting on sultry music and twirling tassels on stage.....either one makes me extremely happy!  Then there are the amazing friends I have gained in the last 4 years.  Our amazing 25th wedding anniversary trip to Belize last summer.  My amazing trips to Washington to spend time with beautiful people.  The trip to Washington DC and Philly this summer where I got to check off several things from my bucket list..including running the Rocky Stairs!  My life is truly blessed, and the fact that I get to go out into the mountains during the week, while everyone is at work and I have the beauty all to myself is such a treasure!   I have NOTHING to complain about!  So I skipped my way along the Watchman Trail.  I even had to cross over a couple of small water crossings (if you want to call them that).

And seriously, how many people (on a school day) get to hang out in the mountains and watch the sun rise over the mountains?

I was certainly enjoying my happy place... the mountain trails.  Then at about 3 1/2 miles in, my back started to hurt.  I felt my enthusiasm for this beautiful hike begin to die down.  Just 4 days ago, I was taking a TRX class when I hurt my back and I was concerned that maybe I had re-injured my back in the same spot I had surgery.  On Wednesday I was still having a difficult time walking.  But here I am on Friday, doing this hike and 3 1/2 miles in, there is no way out.  I just have to finish my hike, pain and all.  

I started to remind myself that I am still only 14 weeks post op.  Sometimes, it can take 6 months to completely heal from the surgery I had.  I have to remember that I am human.  I am 45 years old.  And it takes time to heal.  And even with the pain, I am still dancing, I am riding my bike, I am swimming, I do yoga, I ran up the rocky stairs and I'm hiking in my happy place!  This too shall pass, and until it does, be grateful for what I do have...which is an amazing life blessed with more opportunities than I can even imagine.  Enjoy THIS moment.  Stop worrying about what I used to be able to do.  Stop worrying about what I might not be able to do again.  And focus on what I can do in THIS moment.  So I kept walking and taking pictures......enjoying the beauty around me.  I even picked up a friend along the way.

I have run these trails before. I have even taken this exact route once before (in the spring during a rain shower while the flowers were in bloom) but it never surprises me to see the vegetation change while I hike.   I started in a Gulch with trees over head that gave way to high desert shrubs.  But higher up, I could see the pines of the mountains.  Then I came out of the lush green Gulch and found myself surrounded by Sages bushes and once at the top of Watchman and reach the Three Bears trail head, I see this beautiful view of my city below and the green trees below the mountains.  And when I keep walking, the Sage turns to tall dry grasses until I finally reach the road to hike back to my car.

The short trek up Rocky Canyon Road back to the 5 Mile Gulch trail head where my car was parked was filled with tired gratitude.  All I wanted to do was get to my car, sit down, rest my back, and call my hubby and thank him for providing me with such an amazing life and all the time in the world to romp around in my happy place and reconnect with who I truly am.  

Life is an adventure, and it is not meant to be lived sitting on a couch with a lap top on my lap.  It is meant to be lived outside romping the through the mountains, riding my bike along the greenbelts, and stretching myself and experiencing the present moment and all the gifts and majesty the Universe provides.  It is meant to be danced and filled with laughter.  And yes, sometimes life requires that I sit still in my house and heal, but that doesn't and shouldn't ever take away from the joy that my life is!  Plain and simple!

A Memorial Ride for Carl Daugherty

A little over a week ago, after visiting with my dear friends, Angie and Todd, they received horrible news.  1) Angie's best friend's (Shannon) Dad was in a horrible, life threatening accident, and then 2) just a couple of days later, their brother in law, Carl Daugherty, was hit by a car while riding his bicycle while training for the Hotter Than Hell ride.  Carl sustained broken bones and a severe brain bleed that we all prayed he would come back from.  I watched as my friends reeled and did the absolute best they could do to support their family and their friends.  And from my home in Idaho, I cried and I prayed for both of these families.

Shannon's dad is still fighting, but Carl "graduated from Earth School".  (That is the way one of my friends refers to the passing of an individual.  I like that idea.  That we come here, learn and give what we can, then when we have done what we came here to do and learn what we are suppose to learn, we Graduate.

As soon as Angie told me that the doctors had decided Carl was not gong to come back from his brain injury and that his amazing heart would be donated to help another human being stay alive, I knew what I needed to do.  I had been sending messages of love and support to my friends this whole time.  But for Carl, I needed to honor him.  I needed to celebrate HIS life.  (I know that sounds crazy considering I have never met the man, but I felt like this is the only thing I could do to honor him and to support his family during this transition.)  I am a cyclist after all, and what is a cyclist to do when another cyclist loses their life?  Ride, of course!  So, Carl, Cheryl, Charity, Caleb, Curtis, Angie, Todd, Darby, James, and the rest of your family.... this 23 mile ride is for you!!!!

Dear Carl,

I have never met you. But here in Boise, when a cyclist loses his battle to a car, the cycling community puts up a "ghost bike" at the spot of the accident and holds a memorial ride. So today, on this beautiful end-of-summer morning, I took a sunrise ride for you.

If Angie and Todd had moved to Boise, there is a high probability, that you and I would have met and we would have taken a ride along the beautiful Boise Greenbelt.  (Or we might have taken a ride up through the mountains, but let's face it, I'm too out of shape for that kind of ride, so the Greenbelt it would have been!)  Boise has over 22 miles of paved bike path along the Boise River, and it's gorgeous. It goes through numerous city parks, the foot hills/mountains are just North of the path, it is lined with beautiful old trees, and is always busy with people and animals alike!  Today was no different.

I started around 7:40 just as the sun was starting to rise over the mountains and the Spirit of Boise Balloon Classic was starting to take off (even if the park where the balloons were launching was still miles away from where I was starting my ride).  I was out for 2 1/2 hours (or so) which means I was out for rush hour traffic on the Greenbelt.  Cycling commuters, morning runners, young and old, dogs, geese, ducks, pheasants and squirrels were all sharing this 2 lane paved path.  It was busy and exciting. I don't know if you know this, but Geese don't like to share the road.  They were all over the path, and would not move for anything. I rang my bell.  I used my manners and said excuse me. And when they finally moved, they honked at me like some irate driver giving me the finger!  And the squirrels had a death wish today; I don't know what was so important, but they really NEEDED to run across the path in front of me today!  Don't even get me started on the dog owners with retractable leashes!

Anyway, it was a busy and beautiful day on the Greenbelt and for 23 miles, I thought about you.  I replayed images of pictures from your visit with Angie and Todd and the pictures they have been posting lately.  I thought about Cheryl and your 3 beautiful children.  I thought about the amazing heart you are donating... your heart... your love will continue on. What a beautiful gift you have given!   Today, as the sun rose over the mountains shining bright with hope for a new day, I thought about the hope you have given to another family and how bright you made their day!

Then I thought about your family.... and I turned my head to see the reflection of the trees on the still and quiet pond....and I sent love and peace their direction.

I got back on my bike and left the beautiful pond behind me.  I kept you in my heart as I rode and greeted everyone I came across.  "Good morning!" "Have a great day!"  I smiled and thought about the big heart of yours.  I remember reading how much you loved to give to others, so today I shared that gift with the people I met along my ride.  

As I mentioned earlier, today was the Spirit of Boise Balloon Classic.  Today there were over 30 balloons launching from Ann Morrison Park.  I arrived at one of my favorite spots along the greenbelt. It is another pond/lake on one side and the river (with an eternal wave for Kayaking and surfing) on the other.  During the heat of the summer, you can find surfers in wet suits and helmets trying to surf this wave or kayakers learning to kayak the turbulent waters.  In the pond on the other side, there are swimmers training for their open water race for a tri events or people paddle boarding.  But it was too early this morning for any of that.  Instead, what I saw were the balloons rising up over the city and I thought about your spirit being set free....

I wanted to get a better look at the balloons, so I hopped back on my bike and rode as fast as I could (which is not very fast with this silly back of mine) to the park where they were launching.  I got there just as the last balloon had been lifted into the sky....

With all of the balloons in the sky, it was time for me to get back to the ride. I have no idea if you even ever thought about hot air balloons, but they always seemed like magic to me.  And they always make me smile.  When I was a kid in Richardson, Texas, it was a rare occasion that one would fly over my house and land at the school in my neighborhood.  Every time I see a balloon in the air, I think about being a kid in Richardson, hopping on my bike and chasing after the balloon to see where it will land.  So, today, while seeing these balloons, I thought about Texas... I thought about you. I thought about your family....my friends..who are all there so close to my childhood home...and I smiled as I chased these balloons on my bike thinking about you.

It's kind of funny.  Like I said, I have never met you.  But on today's bike ride, the idea of being a kid.. being happy.. playing outside kept coming to me.  I ride this Greenbelt often.  But today, of all days, I was there with the balloons AND I came across something I have NEVER seen before.  

The Greenbelt runs on both sides of the river with bridges every so often to allow you to cross over.  One of those bridges crosses from the Boise State University campus to Julia Davis Park.  During my loop today, I crossed that bridge twice today....and this is what I found....

I have no idea why these little toy soldiers were glued to the railing of this bridge over the Boise River, but they made me smile.  I used to play with toy soldiers when I was a kid, and I thought..."Well, maybe Carl did too.  He was a boy after all!"  A kid playing, laughing, being outside.

As a cyclist, it is amazing the adventures we  have and the things we see that we don't typically see or feel while in a car.  A road that has hills never feels all that "hilly" when riding in a car, but as soon as you get on a bike, you discover a whole new road, right? It's that thrill of adventure, the thrill of beating a time, or climbing up that dreaded hill, or riding longer than we have before that keeps us on our bikes.  It's that sense of adventure and play that we had as kids; only Carl, as cyclists, we never grew out of it! That is what had you on your bike training for HHH.  You were doing something that you loved.  You were doing something that made you smile.  And you were doing something that taught your beautiful children something powerful.  They will take that message of perseverance, adventure, playfullness with them everywhere they go; of that I am certain. 

I know this is long, but hey.. it was 23 miles!  But As I was heading into the home stretch of my ride, I was so happy to see my favorite part of the Greenbelt... the giraffes from the Boise Zoo.  They always make me smile.  As I was taking pictures of them, Angie sent me a message saying she wanted to share my status message about my ride for you.  That is when I decided I would write you this letter and share this ride with you...and your family.  I hope the giraffes bring them as big of a smile as they do me.

Carl, Thanks for sharing the ride with me today!  Thanks for giving me a reason to get on my bike and enjoy the beautiful day with the balloons, the giraffes, the geese, the suicidal squirrels, and all of the people of the Greenbelt.  Thanks for sharing your life with my friends.  Thanks for sharing your life with your family.  Thanks for sharing such an amazing gift with a family you will never meet.  You have blessed this world.  Ride In Peace.

Training Shane.....

A metaphor for my own life.

Two years ago when we first saw Shane in the kennel at the Ada County Animal Shelter, his description said...."Couch potato".  I looked at this quiet, gentle, big dog in the kennel and recognized him as a breed that loves to run and play.  Surely, the "couch potato" description was wrong.  I was looking or a big dog to be my trail running buddy.  We took him out to the yard, and he was so sweet and gentle.  He didn't bark.  He didn't know how to play fetch.  He just wanted to be loved.  So we brought him home.  I was confident, I could change the couch potato into a lean mean trail running machine!  Not. So. Much.

At first we went to doggy parks and he loved to run and play with other dogs.  That is until a big ol' pit bull decided to lay him out and he hit his head so hard on the grass I could hear it hit.  Then he became aggressive towards other dogs.  He started barking.  My big gentle quiet dog found his bark, and it was scary. He started being way protective and didn't like people coming into our home.  (Which I guess only happened if *I* was at home.  If I wasn't he was cool with people coming over.)  I got him to protect me on the trails, so I guess that is good.

In the last 2 years, he has lost  his leash aggression.  He is cool with people coming into the house.  A dog from down the street even snuck into our back yard and into the doggie door early in the morning and Shane and the dog played like they were little mates.  (So much for protecting mom.)  But also in those 2 years the whole couch potato thing really sunk in.

With his aggression, I couldn't take him out on the trails.  Not because I couldn't trust him, but because the other "off leash" dogs would come up to him and freak him out.  It wasn't good for him.  So I kept running and he stayed home.  Then I was running further than he could go.  I took him out a couple of times and had to cut my walks/runs short because he just gonna keel over.  Last year, after I was gone for 5 weeks, I came home and took him for a hike up Table Rock.  By the time we got to the top, Shane was toast.  But we had to get back down.  He was waling sooooooo slow, I had to remove the lead from his neck because *I* couldn't walk that slow.  I had water for him, but it didn't matter.  He was toast!  Poor baby.  So other than little walks around our block, he didn't go very far because I was in serious training mode for my first ultramarathon.

Fast forward to now.  I'm healing from back surgery.  At first I was only allowed to walk around my block, so we took Shane with us.  Then I would walk 2 laps, and Shane would come.  Then I took him a mile..he wasn't happy but he did it.  (As I am typing this, I remember him doing a 5K before I went in for surgery and he did well.)  Anyway... we took him to the vet last week for a check up and found out he was overweight.  I would like him to lose 15#.  He doesn't eat alot.  At first he was an opportunistic eater, but we have broken him of that behavior.  Now he only eats 2 cups of kibble a day.  1 in the morning and one at night and he has gained alot of weight. So.....now that I am walking more... I am taking him with me.

My training has now become his training.  And today as I was walking him.  Our goal was to do between 2 and 3 miles.  We took a different route today and I wasn't sure what the distance would be.  I can tell you, that I woke up hurting and I really didn't want to go for this walk.  But I knew I had to.  I knew I would feel better if I did.  Shane was excited when he saw me put on my shoes; he figured that meant he got to go.  When I got his lead, he was ready for it to slide over his head.  His tail was wagging.  He was ready to go!  We started walking and it was slow.

Now, Shane hates the heat.  He really hates it.  But today, it was overcast, breezy and beautiful!  Normally he LOVES walking in this type of weather.  But by the time we got to the end of our street, I could tell it was gonna be "one of those days".   I encouraged him to keep going.  We got on Victory road (he hates busy roads and is terrified of cars).  By the time we got across Cole, he was so freaked out that he actually turned back around to face the house and stopped and refused to move.  He didnt' want to go any further.  OMG. How many times have I felt those pains.  Walking up a hill that was killing me..feeling like I just didn't have the mental or the physical strength to keep pushing.

Gently (or rather sternly) I pulled him back to attention and back to where we were heading.  He was dragging tail.  He didn't want to be on this walk.  Finally we were off the busy street and onto "horse property" neighborhood.  Big lush yards.  Horses.  And I found a route that didn't have mean dogs (which was another reason why I stopped taking him originally... the dogs on my regular route would bust out of their fences and attack him).  But today it was quite and cool.  I enjoyed the slow walk.  But we started heading up hill, and I could see his tongue practically dragging the ground.

Have you ever stopped to look at a dog with its tongue just dangling out. I wonder what that must feel like.

Anyway... I kept offering him water but he wasn't interested.  I think his head was saying.. "I just want to get home!  I'm so over this!"  He would lag behind me.  Then I would ask him to keep up and he would get ahead of me and I would tell him to slow down.  Poor baby.

Just passed mile 2 he was just so over the walk.  I could see it in  his posture.  I could see it in his face.  He just wanted to be home.  And truthfully so did I.  This was definitely one of those walks where you just had to do it whether you wanted to or not.  Yes, dogs  have those days too! It's not just us people!

Today as I was walking with Shane, he reminded me of how hard it is to keep pushing myself even when I just want to sit on the couch and be that couch potato.  He reminded me how his unconditional love that he has for me.  I don't think he would do this for just anyone, but he loves me so he goes with me.  And I love him, and I love sharing my day with him.  I encourage him gently to keep on going to keep pushing.. "You are almost there, buddy!"  Which are the same sentiments I tell myself when I am training or doing my races, "You are almost there, Martha!  You are doing so great!  Just keep putting one foot in front of another."  But its great to be able to share that with Shane.  He makes a great training partner or this recovering athlete.  He is gentle with me.  I think he knows when I am hurting and need to take it slow.  And I think he knows when I am on top of my game and ready to speed it up, cause I have seen him go just about marathon pace with me.  He is a rock star, and we make a great team!

Thoughts from 5 Weeks Post Op..

It looks a bit different than I thought it would.

So before I had surgery, I had big plans for post op life.  I started a diet plan and set goals that seemed pretty reasonable (to an  unreasonable endurance athlete).  *laugh*  "Well, of course, I will be able to run a marathon in September just a 18 weeks after back surgery."  I can do anything!  LOL.

While it is true that anything and everything is possible.  There comes a time when you need to have a "sit down" with yourself and be completely honest.  There comes a time when you need to look at the goals you set and decide if these are goals based out of Ego or goals that are real and S.M.A.R.T. and more importantly, will these goals bring you inner peace or tear you apart in reaching them.  What is more important?  Ego or Inner Peace?

One thing is for certain, having a back injury for several month and then having surgery and having to recover and slow down WILL make you come face to face with your Ego and your demons.  You can either listen or you can keep running.  For me, it was time to listen.  Why?  Because when I kept running, it hurt..physically hurt!

So here I sit 5 weeks post op and realizing that my life is looking much different than I thought it would.  And that is okay.

First of all.  I can now tell the difference between surgical pain and back pain.  The surgical pain is gone.  What I feel now is back pain.  It can take up to 6 months for the nerves to heal from the back injury, and I won't lie and say I am a bit scared.  "What if it doesn't go away?"  I  have DAYS without pain, but then if I do too much the pain is back.  What is too much?  Well, that is a great question.  I'm still not allowed to lift more than 10 pounds.  I'm not allowed to bend over and reach for things.  I'm not allowed to twist.  Sexual intimacy is allowed as long as I am not in pain.  Walking as far as I want to walk is allowed as long as I am not in pain for 2 hours AFTER the walk.  If I am still in pain 2 hours after an activity, then I have done too much.  I have been walking a little over 2 miles almost every day.  Sometimes its close to marathon pace and sometimes its just slow.  But that is okay. I'm out doing it.  Of course, this is as far as I have gone.  Which (in case you are paying attention) means I am no where NEAR ready to do a marathon anytime soon!  Coming to terms with that was quite painful.

Goal setting and weight loss...this is all part of the journey of my life.  When I miss the mark, it just means I need to sit down and rethink life.  What is realistic.  What am I able to do right now?  So, as part of this journey, I had to look at my life and my intentions.  I realized that the marathons were all about the bling at the end and Ego feed.  I realized doing them this year was going to cause me a great deal of pain and maybe even undo surgery.  So for physical activity, my goals have changed. I need to focus on my core strength.  When I am cleared by the doctor, my goals will be to focus on my dance (a core activity), take some restorative yoga classes and continue with my walks maybe getting them up to 5K distances soon, oh and get back to roller skating.  All of these are core activities and gentle on my body..which is what it needs.

As for weight loss......I had a great conversation with another trail running friend who lives in Texas.  His name is Brandon.  He and I have the same addictions to pastries and have the same behaviors.  So we decided to become accountability partners.  We set S.M.A.R.T. goals with each other for short term goals as well as long term goals (or at least long term for him....)  I am still stuck on short term goals.  *laugh*  We check in almost daily with each other.  But one of the best things he told me was.... "Be happy, Martha."  Simple, but so profound.

Before this conversation with him, I had purchased a book (based on the title) from the relationships section of the book store. It was called Love is Letting Go of Fear.  I thought it was going to be about relationships (like romantic stuff), but after talking with Brandon, I decided to start reading it and I found out that it applies to EVERYTHING in my life.  And the most important relationship it talks about is the relationship with myself!  There are some great quotes I want to share (some of them really fit into my weight loss and health journey....)

*****"Fear always distorts our perception and confuses us as to what is going on.  Love is the total absence of fear.  Love asks no questions.  Its natural state is one of extension and expansion, not comparison and measurement"  (How often are we unhappy because we compare ourselves to what other people think we should look like or be?  Or we compare ourselves to what the media says is perfect?  Then we let fear and disappointment take over instead of just Loving ourselves the way we are and letting love spread!)

****"Although Love is always what we want, we are often afraid of Love without consciously knowing it, and so we may act both blind and deaf to Loves presence.  Yet, when we help ourselves and each other let go of fear, we begin to experience a personal transformation."  (We want acceptance, but we don't know what to do with it when we get it!  We find a way to sabotage it.  This is as true when talking about the relationship with ourselves as it is when referring to romantic relationships.  The last statement...."when we help ourselves AND EACHOTHER....."  Huge.  Life is about giving and being self-less.  If we can help others... in giving to others.. we give to ourselves :).  Which is another reason accountability partners are amazing!

****"With Love as our only reality, health and wholeness can be viewed as inner peace, and healing can be seen as letting go of fear."  (This one is a HUGE one for me!)

****"We often believe that fears of the past can successfully predict the fears of the future.  The results of this type of thinking are that we spend most of our time worrying about both the past and the future, creating a vicious cycle of fear, which leaves little room for Love and joy in the present."  (This is our cycle with dieting... always afraid that we will do what we did in the past.. worrying about the future and never appreciating the present and spending time with the LOVE we should be feeling for our lives NOW.  What would life be like if we just LOVED ourselves right NOW the way we are and let go of fear of what others think.. fear of gaining weight back.. fear of going back to old habits?

In the book, there is this great picture drawn of this person trying to balance all of these goals he has for his life... money, job, family, health, relationships..that kind of thing.  He was having a heck of a time balancing it all on his head.  He was teetering and tottering and things were falling of.  He just couldn't manage it all.  That is the way I feel sometimes. How the hell do I manage my dancing goals with my running goals with my weight loss goals with my family with my friends.....its all so much!  Something gets dropped.  It just does.  Then the book continues to talk about "Singleness of Goal".....

"Peace of mind as our single goal is the most potent motivating force we can have.  To have inner peace we need to be consistent in having peace of mind as our single goal.  Instead of having a single goal, we are all tempted to try to juggle multiple goals.  Juggling can only serve to deflect our focus and increase our conflict.  We can achieve consistency in keeping this single goal in mind by reminding ourselves of the singleness of purpose we would have if we suddenly found ourselves drowning in the ocean.  We would, in that situation, put all of our attention into the single goal of staying afloat and breathing for survival."

After I read that, I wrote below it.. "Be happy, Martha!"  (Which is what my friend Brandon told me as we talked about our goals... just be happy..that is what is important.)  Single goal.. Be happy...the rest will all into place.

The books goes on with some more amazing insights into how our minds and the choices we make create our lives.   It also talked about how we let our Ego make our goals instead of acting from a place of peace.  (Which is huge for endurance athletes or any active person who suffers from physical injury).  It also gives a list of words and phrases to avoid while bringing inner peace into your life..the one I found most profound... "any words that place you or anyone else in a category".   I won't keep quoting the book.  But it is very insightful and comes with daily practices to help with these things.  Its a great book and easy to read.  And it fits with the weight loss issue, and it fits with the feelings of unworthiness that so many of my friends seem to battle on a daily basis.

I know this blog is already way too long.....But I want to follow up with one more short thing.

Last Sunday, I returned to church for the first time since I was arrested back in February.  Rev. Jackie was finishing up her talk on The Four Agreements.  Last Sunday she talked about the last agreement.. "Do your best."  This was perfect timing for me as I am really working towards changing my eating habits again.  She quoted scripture from the Bible as well as thing from Ruiz's book The Four Agreements...  Here are a few of my notes that really struck me as she spoke..

Be Ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.  (A scripture from the Bible)

Let the same mind that is Christ that knew he and god were one be yours.

Use your mind to create your life..to realize you are one with Perfection.

Believe this and act on this and let your soul do its best.  Step out of fear and let Love guide your life.

3 Steps in Doing your Best...

1)  Set an Intention to do your best.   Decide upon a thing and it will be established for you.

2) Awareness.  Pay attention to your thoughts feelings and actions. Be aware in every single moment.  Be present.  Feel!  Get honest about what you think.

3) Practice.  It's a process.  Gotta keep moving forward.  It takes work, patience, understanding and perseverance.  Keep learning.  Keep expanding.

Perfection is not always what's right.  It's the depth of knowing that in every mistake there is the opportunity to make another choice and learn.

Do your best means to go about life with an open heart!

*************************

I will leave you with one last thought from Sunday's teaching... and it my prayer and focus for this week.....

May the words from my mouth and the intention of my heart reveal only truth, peace and love.

Finally, seriously......

On The Mend!!!

After waiting 4 1/2 months, I finally got to have my back surgery.  I'm not gonna lie.  I was nervous.  Yes, I have had a micro-discectomy before, and I even had the same surgeon.  But anytime I think about back surgery, I think about what *could* go wrong.  It is, after all, my back!  In 2005, the pain I experienced was crazy insane nerve pain that kept me in bed.  The pain I experienced this time wasn't crazy intense.  It just generally hurt and all very localized in my lumbar.  Sometimes it was better than others.  But it ALWAYS kept me from doing what I really wanted to do because the pain would get bad.

The MRI showed a ruptured disc in L4/L5 and some possible issues in L5/S1 (where I had my previous surgery). Dr. Doeer, told me he would go in and clean up L4/L5 and take a look at L5/S1.  With plan in place, and me all checked in, it was just a matter of time.

I really do love my surgeon.  I totally joke and call him Dr. Hottie, but to be completely honest, he may dress straight out of the GQ magazine, but he is one of the most talented surgeons I have ever met.  He is very intense and very good and what he does.  He doesn't take any non-sense and he gets in and gets the job done.  Sure the nurses can do some of his follow up work, but he would much rather be the person to do that. He wants to be complete control of his patient's experience.  He is pretty awesome. With all of that said, it didn't stop me from cracking jokes with him just before my surgery.  He came in to do the pre-op consultation and review and it was the first time I had see him in jeans that had holes in them, a running/workout shirt, and cowboy boots that were obviously some of his most favorite worn out comfy ones.  I joked and said, he must have a whole closet of boots to choose from, and he agreed with me.  He rotates expensive boots like I rotate expensive running shoes.  *laugh*  It was fun to see him a little bit more relaxed and comfortable.

Dr. Doerr has done 2 of my surgeries in recent years, but both of those have been at the big hospital here in town.  This time, I was having surgery in the private hospital owned and ran by the surgeons.  I wasn't quite sure what to expect. But let me tell you, if you live in Boise and you get the option to have surgery at Treasure Valley Hospital, DO IT!   My pre-op nurse was assigned to me and me only and made sure I was cared for.  Once it was time for surgery, the surgery nurse came and introduced herself to me and wheeled me back to the operating room. Once inside the OR, she introduced me to everyone else in the room.  I got to see the OR bed which looked like much more like a stretching/torture device than a bed.  It was two black rods with a sling/hammock type thing hanging between the two rods.  There were pads where I can only imagine my pelvic bones would be placed. There were pads where my chest and face would be placed. They placed pillows in that sling.  I talked to the nurse about the bed and she told me she lays in the "bed" before every surgery to make sure the patients would be comfortable.  The room itself was filled with very bright lights. It was very clean. I saw everyone running around getting ready. There was great music playing over head (just like on TV..its nice to know my surgeon has good choice in music).  Then I saw Dr. Doeer come in. He was covered from head to toe in "blood armor". *laugh*  He was all serious and NO ONE spoke to him.  He had his game face on and brought in his tools and got busy doing whatever it was he needed to get done.  Watching all of this going on was very reassuring.  Then I felt the cold stuff go into my IV, and I was gone.

I woke up in the recovery room to the sounds of Dr. Doeer talking sweetly to me.   "C'mon, sweetie, time to wake up." He touched me here and there to make sure I had feeling in places I needed to have feeling.  He also told me how surgery went and that the damage to my back was worse than we all had thought it was.

They wheeled me to my private room and I met my nurse and CNA.  I had this great huge window with a tree outside my window. I had Tracy open the blinds and I watched the storm come through. It was amazing!  Within the first hour, I had a grape Popsicle and 2 chocolate puddings and lots of ice chips.  Then I got to order my gourmet dinner which was amazing!  I was treated like a queen in the hosptial. The nurses were amazing.  By midnight, the catheter was taken out and I was walking the hallways.

Dr. Doeer came in at 9am the next morning to check on me and go over the surgery again.  He changed my dressing and took out the wound drainage. He did all of this without nurses help.  He insisted on doing it himself.  Again, he told me how bad the injury was and we both agreed that it was a good thing I had surgery; I was not going to get better without the surgery.  The rupture was much bigger than expected and was pressing on the nerve.  I had bone spurs in L5/S1 that were pressing on the nerves.  Now they are all gone. By 10:30, I was on my way home.

I had surgery on Wednesday; I went home on Thursday less than 24 hours after surgery.   It is now Saturday. Last night, we went out to a club for a work thing.  And I have only had 2 pain killers since 10:30 last night; its now 5pm on Saturday.  I'm walking a mile a day around my block (in increments) and I have very little pain.  The pain that I feel is from surgery and not from the injury.  My head is finally coming out of the fog a bit.  And I'm so pleased with the results of my surgery thus far.  I really am blessed with an amazing surgeon and support crew around me. I'm so glad my hubby supported the decision to have the surgery again.  I am taking recovery slowly and responsibly.  I will focus on strengthening my core before I get back into running.  But for right now, I am just grateful for being able to walk.