The Highs and the Lows of Hiking in the Mountains

You expect them right?  I mean there IS altitude change in there.  But THAT isn't what I am talking about.

I went for a hike today.  It was my first long hike since back surgery 14 weeks ago.  I decided to hike 5 Mile Gulch to Watchman Trail to Three Bears, to Rocky Canyon Road and back to my car.  Somewhere around 6 miles.  This route does some climbing; actually there is climbing at the beginning either way I decided to go.  I was super stoked to be out hiking in my happy place!

Anyway, I have not done any real climbing since right before surgery.  I did 6 miles on Pole Cat right before surgery.  That was slow too.  But today, was SUPER slow.

I started out on 5 Mile Gulch with a pace of a 25 minute mile.  Last year at this time, I was doing this same stretch of trail at a minimum of 18 minutes/mile.  Then again, last year I was training for my first ultra marathon and I was in pretty damn good shape (not the BEST shape of my life, but I was strong, healthy and lighter).  As I hiked this trail, I started beating myself up.  "You are so slow!" "You have gained so much weight!"  "You are no where NEAR where you were a year ago!" "You might as well just turn back."  Ugh!!!!  Seriously!  I reached the fork at 5 Mile Gulch and Watchman Trail; its about a mile and a half in and it took me entirely too long.  I was so discouraged.  But I told myself to keep going.  Turning back was just silly.

After throwing a pitty party for myself, I decided to stop worry about pace and just enjoy the fact that I am ABLE to be out there enjoying the beautiful day. The sun had not risen over the mountains yet, so it was still cool and the first signs of Autumn had already fallen onto the ground.

Once I had shifted my focus, my feet felt lighter.  I had a skip in my step.  I was stopping to take more pictures.  I was feeling frisky and I was going over the last couple of years of my life. I was taking stock of all of my accomplishments.  I am MORE than the slow pace in which I am hiking. In the last 4 years, I completed 4 marathons, 4 half marathons, a 10K,  a couple of 5Ks, and a 50K.  I road my bike 400 miles in a week including my first century ride in that week, started belly dancing and have performed numerous times including a duet with my beautiful daughter, and gave birth to my burlesque persona and performed for the first time ever on stage as a solo act.  I have done all of this with 3 years of injury:  Knee surgery in 2012, head injury in 2013, and my back injury/surgery in 2014. I have had amazing accomplishments that don't even count as official races, like the fact that my training runs just for fun were marathon distances.  (That still cracks me up that I have become that person.)  I found my love for trail running and have enjoyed the mountains tremendously.  I have found a love for cycling and would love to do so much more of it.  I found my love for performing as a dancer..either with my belly dancing sisters or putting on sultry music and twirling tassels on stage.....either one makes me extremely happy!  Then there are the amazing friends I have gained in the last 4 years.  Our amazing 25th wedding anniversary trip to Belize last summer.  My amazing trips to Washington to spend time with beautiful people.  The trip to Washington DC and Philly this summer where I got to check off several things from my bucket list..including running the Rocky Stairs!  My life is truly blessed, and the fact that I get to go out into the mountains during the week, while everyone is at work and I have the beauty all to myself is such a treasure!   I have NOTHING to complain about!  So I skipped my way along the Watchman Trail.  I even had to cross over a couple of small water crossings (if you want to call them that).

And seriously, how many people (on a school day) get to hang out in the mountains and watch the sun rise over the mountains?

I was certainly enjoying my happy place... the mountain trails.  Then at about 3 1/2 miles in, my back started to hurt.  I felt my enthusiasm for this beautiful hike begin to die down.  Just 4 days ago, I was taking a TRX class when I hurt my back and I was concerned that maybe I had re-injured my back in the same spot I had surgery.  On Wednesday I was still having a difficult time walking.  But here I am on Friday, doing this hike and 3 1/2 miles in, there is no way out.  I just have to finish my hike, pain and all.  

I started to remind myself that I am still only 14 weeks post op.  Sometimes, it can take 6 months to completely heal from the surgery I had.  I have to remember that I am human.  I am 45 years old.  And it takes time to heal.  And even with the pain, I am still dancing, I am riding my bike, I am swimming, I do yoga, I ran up the rocky stairs and I'm hiking in my happy place!  This too shall pass, and until it does, be grateful for what I do have...which is an amazing life blessed with more opportunities than I can even imagine.  Enjoy THIS moment.  Stop worrying about what I used to be able to do.  Stop worrying about what I might not be able to do again.  And focus on what I can do in THIS moment.  So I kept walking and taking pictures......enjoying the beauty around me.  I even picked up a friend along the way.

I have run these trails before. I have even taken this exact route once before (in the spring during a rain shower while the flowers were in bloom) but it never surprises me to see the vegetation change while I hike.   I started in a Gulch with trees over head that gave way to high desert shrubs.  But higher up, I could see the pines of the mountains.  Then I came out of the lush green Gulch and found myself surrounded by Sages bushes and once at the top of Watchman and reach the Three Bears trail head, I see this beautiful view of my city below and the green trees below the mountains.  And when I keep walking, the Sage turns to tall dry grasses until I finally reach the road to hike back to my car.

The short trek up Rocky Canyon Road back to the 5 Mile Gulch trail head where my car was parked was filled with tired gratitude.  All I wanted to do was get to my car, sit down, rest my back, and call my hubby and thank him for providing me with such an amazing life and all the time in the world to romp around in my happy place and reconnect with who I truly am.  

Life is an adventure, and it is not meant to be lived sitting on a couch with a lap top on my lap.  It is meant to be lived outside romping the through the mountains, riding my bike along the greenbelts, and stretching myself and experiencing the present moment and all the gifts and majesty the Universe provides.  It is meant to be danced and filled with laughter.  And yes, sometimes life requires that I sit still in my house and heal, but that doesn't and shouldn't ever take away from the joy that my life is!  Plain and simple!

A Memorial Ride for Carl Daugherty

A little over a week ago, after visiting with my dear friends, Angie and Todd, they received horrible news.  1) Angie's best friend's (Shannon) Dad was in a horrible, life threatening accident, and then 2) just a couple of days later, their brother in law, Carl Daugherty, was hit by a car while riding his bicycle while training for the Hotter Than Hell ride.  Carl sustained broken bones and a severe brain bleed that we all prayed he would come back from.  I watched as my friends reeled and did the absolute best they could do to support their family and their friends.  And from my home in Idaho, I cried and I prayed for both of these families.

Shannon's dad is still fighting, but Carl "graduated from Earth School".  (That is the way one of my friends refers to the passing of an individual.  I like that idea.  That we come here, learn and give what we can, then when we have done what we came here to do and learn what we are suppose to learn, we Graduate.

As soon as Angie told me that the doctors had decided Carl was not gong to come back from his brain injury and that his amazing heart would be donated to help another human being stay alive, I knew what I needed to do.  I had been sending messages of love and support to my friends this whole time.  But for Carl, I needed to honor him.  I needed to celebrate HIS life.  (I know that sounds crazy considering I have never met the man, but I felt like this is the only thing I could do to honor him and to support his family during this transition.)  I am a cyclist after all, and what is a cyclist to do when another cyclist loses their life?  Ride, of course!  So, Carl, Cheryl, Charity, Caleb, Curtis, Angie, Todd, Darby, James, and the rest of your family.... this 23 mile ride is for you!!!!

Dear Carl,

I have never met you. But here in Boise, when a cyclist loses his battle to a car, the cycling community puts up a "ghost bike" at the spot of the accident and holds a memorial ride. So today, on this beautiful end-of-summer morning, I took a sunrise ride for you.

If Angie and Todd had moved to Boise, there is a high probability, that you and I would have met and we would have taken a ride along the beautiful Boise Greenbelt.  (Or we might have taken a ride up through the mountains, but let's face it, I'm too out of shape for that kind of ride, so the Greenbelt it would have been!)  Boise has over 22 miles of paved bike path along the Boise River, and it's gorgeous. It goes through numerous city parks, the foot hills/mountains are just North of the path, it is lined with beautiful old trees, and is always busy with people and animals alike!  Today was no different.

I started around 7:40 just as the sun was starting to rise over the mountains and the Spirit of Boise Balloon Classic was starting to take off (even if the park where the balloons were launching was still miles away from where I was starting my ride).  I was out for 2 1/2 hours (or so) which means I was out for rush hour traffic on the Greenbelt.  Cycling commuters, morning runners, young and old, dogs, geese, ducks, pheasants and squirrels were all sharing this 2 lane paved path.  It was busy and exciting. I don't know if you know this, but Geese don't like to share the road.  They were all over the path, and would not move for anything. I rang my bell.  I used my manners and said excuse me. And when they finally moved, they honked at me like some irate driver giving me the finger!  And the squirrels had a death wish today; I don't know what was so important, but they really NEEDED to run across the path in front of me today!  Don't even get me started on the dog owners with retractable leashes!

Anyway, it was a busy and beautiful day on the Greenbelt and for 23 miles, I thought about you.  I replayed images of pictures from your visit with Angie and Todd and the pictures they have been posting lately.  I thought about Cheryl and your 3 beautiful children.  I thought about the amazing heart you are donating... your heart... your love will continue on. What a beautiful gift you have given!   Today, as the sun rose over the mountains shining bright with hope for a new day, I thought about the hope you have given to another family and how bright you made their day!

Then I thought about your family.... and I turned my head to see the reflection of the trees on the still and quiet pond....and I sent love and peace their direction.

I got back on my bike and left the beautiful pond behind me.  I kept you in my heart as I rode and greeted everyone I came across.  "Good morning!" "Have a great day!"  I smiled and thought about the big heart of yours.  I remember reading how much you loved to give to others, so today I shared that gift with the people I met along my ride.  

As I mentioned earlier, today was the Spirit of Boise Balloon Classic.  Today there were over 30 balloons launching from Ann Morrison Park.  I arrived at one of my favorite spots along the greenbelt. It is another pond/lake on one side and the river (with an eternal wave for Kayaking and surfing) on the other.  During the heat of the summer, you can find surfers in wet suits and helmets trying to surf this wave or kayakers learning to kayak the turbulent waters.  In the pond on the other side, there are swimmers training for their open water race for a tri events or people paddle boarding.  But it was too early this morning for any of that.  Instead, what I saw were the balloons rising up over the city and I thought about your spirit being set free....

I wanted to get a better look at the balloons, so I hopped back on my bike and rode as fast as I could (which is not very fast with this silly back of mine) to the park where they were launching.  I got there just as the last balloon had been lifted into the sky....

With all of the balloons in the sky, it was time for me to get back to the ride. I have no idea if you even ever thought about hot air balloons, but they always seemed like magic to me.  And they always make me smile.  When I was a kid in Richardson, Texas, it was a rare occasion that one would fly over my house and land at the school in my neighborhood.  Every time I see a balloon in the air, I think about being a kid in Richardson, hopping on my bike and chasing after the balloon to see where it will land.  So, today, while seeing these balloons, I thought about Texas... I thought about you. I thought about your family....my friends..who are all there so close to my childhood home...and I smiled as I chased these balloons on my bike thinking about you.

It's kind of funny.  Like I said, I have never met you.  But on today's bike ride, the idea of being a kid.. being happy.. playing outside kept coming to me.  I ride this Greenbelt often.  But today, of all days, I was there with the balloons AND I came across something I have NEVER seen before.  

The Greenbelt runs on both sides of the river with bridges every so often to allow you to cross over.  One of those bridges crosses from the Boise State University campus to Julia Davis Park.  During my loop today, I crossed that bridge twice today....and this is what I found....

I have no idea why these little toy soldiers were glued to the railing of this bridge over the Boise River, but they made me smile.  I used to play with toy soldiers when I was a kid, and I thought..."Well, maybe Carl did too.  He was a boy after all!"  A kid playing, laughing, being outside.

As a cyclist, it is amazing the adventures we  have and the things we see that we don't typically see or feel while in a car.  A road that has hills never feels all that "hilly" when riding in a car, but as soon as you get on a bike, you discover a whole new road, right? It's that thrill of adventure, the thrill of beating a time, or climbing up that dreaded hill, or riding longer than we have before that keeps us on our bikes.  It's that sense of adventure and play that we had as kids; only Carl, as cyclists, we never grew out of it! That is what had you on your bike training for HHH.  You were doing something that you loved.  You were doing something that made you smile.  And you were doing something that taught your beautiful children something powerful.  They will take that message of perseverance, adventure, playfullness with them everywhere they go; of that I am certain. 

I know this is long, but hey.. it was 23 miles!  But As I was heading into the home stretch of my ride, I was so happy to see my favorite part of the Greenbelt... the giraffes from the Boise Zoo.  They always make me smile.  As I was taking pictures of them, Angie sent me a message saying she wanted to share my status message about my ride for you.  That is when I decided I would write you this letter and share this ride with you...and your family.  I hope the giraffes bring them as big of a smile as they do me.

Carl, Thanks for sharing the ride with me today!  Thanks for giving me a reason to get on my bike and enjoy the beautiful day with the balloons, the giraffes, the geese, the suicidal squirrels, and all of the people of the Greenbelt.  Thanks for sharing your life with my friends.  Thanks for sharing your life with your family.  Thanks for sharing such an amazing gift with a family you will never meet.  You have blessed this world.  Ride In Peace.

Training Shane.....

A metaphor for my own life.

Two years ago when we first saw Shane in the kennel at the Ada County Animal Shelter, his description said...."Couch potato".  I looked at this quiet, gentle, big dog in the kennel and recognized him as a breed that loves to run and play.  Surely, the "couch potato" description was wrong.  I was looking or a big dog to be my trail running buddy.  We took him out to the yard, and he was so sweet and gentle.  He didn't bark.  He didn't know how to play fetch.  He just wanted to be loved.  So we brought him home.  I was confident, I could change the couch potato into a lean mean trail running machine!  Not. So. Much.

At first we went to doggy parks and he loved to run and play with other dogs.  That is until a big ol' pit bull decided to lay him out and he hit his head so hard on the grass I could hear it hit.  Then he became aggressive towards other dogs.  He started barking.  My big gentle quiet dog found his bark, and it was scary. He started being way protective and didn't like people coming into our home.  (Which I guess only happened if *I* was at home.  If I wasn't he was cool with people coming over.)  I got him to protect me on the trails, so I guess that is good.

In the last 2 years, he has lost  his leash aggression.  He is cool with people coming into the house.  A dog from down the street even snuck into our back yard and into the doggie door early in the morning and Shane and the dog played like they were little mates.  (So much for protecting mom.)  But also in those 2 years the whole couch potato thing really sunk in.

With his aggression, I couldn't take him out on the trails.  Not because I couldn't trust him, but because the other "off leash" dogs would come up to him and freak him out.  It wasn't good for him.  So I kept running and he stayed home.  Then I was running further than he could go.  I took him out a couple of times and had to cut my walks/runs short because he just gonna keel over.  Last year, after I was gone for 5 weeks, I came home and took him for a hike up Table Rock.  By the time we got to the top, Shane was toast.  But we had to get back down.  He was waling sooooooo slow, I had to remove the lead from his neck because *I* couldn't walk that slow.  I had water for him, but it didn't matter.  He was toast!  Poor baby.  So other than little walks around our block, he didn't go very far because I was in serious training mode for my first ultramarathon.

Fast forward to now.  I'm healing from back surgery.  At first I was only allowed to walk around my block, so we took Shane with us.  Then I would walk 2 laps, and Shane would come.  Then I took him a mile..he wasn't happy but he did it.  (As I am typing this, I remember him doing a 5K before I went in for surgery and he did well.)  Anyway... we took him to the vet last week for a check up and found out he was overweight.  I would like him to lose 15#.  He doesn't eat alot.  At first he was an opportunistic eater, but we have broken him of that behavior.  Now he only eats 2 cups of kibble a day.  1 in the morning and one at night and he has gained alot of weight. So.....now that I am walking more... I am taking him with me.

My training has now become his training.  And today as I was walking him.  Our goal was to do between 2 and 3 miles.  We took a different route today and I wasn't sure what the distance would be.  I can tell you, that I woke up hurting and I really didn't want to go for this walk.  But I knew I had to.  I knew I would feel better if I did.  Shane was excited when he saw me put on my shoes; he figured that meant he got to go.  When I got his lead, he was ready for it to slide over his head.  His tail was wagging.  He was ready to go!  We started walking and it was slow.

Now, Shane hates the heat.  He really hates it.  But today, it was overcast, breezy and beautiful!  Normally he LOVES walking in this type of weather.  But by the time we got to the end of our street, I could tell it was gonna be "one of those days".   I encouraged him to keep going.  We got on Victory road (he hates busy roads and is terrified of cars).  By the time we got across Cole, he was so freaked out that he actually turned back around to face the house and stopped and refused to move.  He didnt' want to go any further.  OMG. How many times have I felt those pains.  Walking up a hill that was killing me..feeling like I just didn't have the mental or the physical strength to keep pushing.

Gently (or rather sternly) I pulled him back to attention and back to where we were heading.  He was dragging tail.  He didn't want to be on this walk.  Finally we were off the busy street and onto "horse property" neighborhood.  Big lush yards.  Horses.  And I found a route that didn't have mean dogs (which was another reason why I stopped taking him originally... the dogs on my regular route would bust out of their fences and attack him).  But today it was quite and cool.  I enjoyed the slow walk.  But we started heading up hill, and I could see his tongue practically dragging the ground.

Have you ever stopped to look at a dog with its tongue just dangling out. I wonder what that must feel like.

Anyway... I kept offering him water but he wasn't interested.  I think his head was saying.. "I just want to get home!  I'm so over this!"  He would lag behind me.  Then I would ask him to keep up and he would get ahead of me and I would tell him to slow down.  Poor baby.

Just passed mile 2 he was just so over the walk.  I could see it in  his posture.  I could see it in his face.  He just wanted to be home.  And truthfully so did I.  This was definitely one of those walks where you just had to do it whether you wanted to or not.  Yes, dogs  have those days too! It's not just us people!

Today as I was walking with Shane, he reminded me of how hard it is to keep pushing myself even when I just want to sit on the couch and be that couch potato.  He reminded me how his unconditional love that he has for me.  I don't think he would do this for just anyone, but he loves me so he goes with me.  And I love him, and I love sharing my day with him.  I encourage him gently to keep on going to keep pushing.. "You are almost there, buddy!"  Which are the same sentiments I tell myself when I am training or doing my races, "You are almost there, Martha!  You are doing so great!  Just keep putting one foot in front of another."  But its great to be able to share that with Shane.  He makes a great training partner or this recovering athlete.  He is gentle with me.  I think he knows when I am hurting and need to take it slow.  And I think he knows when I am on top of my game and ready to speed it up, cause I have seen him go just about marathon pace with me.  He is a rock star, and we make a great team!

Thoughts from 5 Weeks Post Op..

It looks a bit different than I thought it would.

So before I had surgery, I had big plans for post op life.  I started a diet plan and set goals that seemed pretty reasonable (to an  unreasonable endurance athlete).  *laugh*  "Well, of course, I will be able to run a marathon in September just a 18 weeks after back surgery."  I can do anything!  LOL.

While it is true that anything and everything is possible.  There comes a time when you need to have a "sit down" with yourself and be completely honest.  There comes a time when you need to look at the goals you set and decide if these are goals based out of Ego or goals that are real and S.M.A.R.T. and more importantly, will these goals bring you inner peace or tear you apart in reaching them.  What is more important?  Ego or Inner Peace?

One thing is for certain, having a back injury for several month and then having surgery and having to recover and slow down WILL make you come face to face with your Ego and your demons.  You can either listen or you can keep running.  For me, it was time to listen.  Why?  Because when I kept running, it hurt..physically hurt!

So here I sit 5 weeks post op and realizing that my life is looking much different than I thought it would.  And that is okay.

First of all.  I can now tell the difference between surgical pain and back pain.  The surgical pain is gone.  What I feel now is back pain.  It can take up to 6 months for the nerves to heal from the back injury, and I won't lie and say I am a bit scared.  "What if it doesn't go away?"  I  have DAYS without pain, but then if I do too much the pain is back.  What is too much?  Well, that is a great question.  I'm still not allowed to lift more than 10 pounds.  I'm not allowed to bend over and reach for things.  I'm not allowed to twist.  Sexual intimacy is allowed as long as I am not in pain.  Walking as far as I want to walk is allowed as long as I am not in pain for 2 hours AFTER the walk.  If I am still in pain 2 hours after an activity, then I have done too much.  I have been walking a little over 2 miles almost every day.  Sometimes its close to marathon pace and sometimes its just slow.  But that is okay. I'm out doing it.  Of course, this is as far as I have gone.  Which (in case you are paying attention) means I am no where NEAR ready to do a marathon anytime soon!  Coming to terms with that was quite painful.

Goal setting and weight loss...this is all part of the journey of my life.  When I miss the mark, it just means I need to sit down and rethink life.  What is realistic.  What am I able to do right now?  So, as part of this journey, I had to look at my life and my intentions.  I realized that the marathons were all about the bling at the end and Ego feed.  I realized doing them this year was going to cause me a great deal of pain and maybe even undo surgery.  So for physical activity, my goals have changed. I need to focus on my core strength.  When I am cleared by the doctor, my goals will be to focus on my dance (a core activity), take some restorative yoga classes and continue with my walks maybe getting them up to 5K distances soon, oh and get back to roller skating.  All of these are core activities and gentle on my body..which is what it needs.

As for weight loss......I had a great conversation with another trail running friend who lives in Texas.  His name is Brandon.  He and I have the same addictions to pastries and have the same behaviors.  So we decided to become accountability partners.  We set S.M.A.R.T. goals with each other for short term goals as well as long term goals (or at least long term for him....)  I am still stuck on short term goals.  *laugh*  We check in almost daily with each other.  But one of the best things he told me was.... "Be happy, Martha."  Simple, but so profound.

Before this conversation with him, I had purchased a book (based on the title) from the relationships section of the book store. It was called Love is Letting Go of Fear.  I thought it was going to be about relationships (like romantic stuff), but after talking with Brandon, I decided to start reading it and I found out that it applies to EVERYTHING in my life.  And the most important relationship it talks about is the relationship with myself!  There are some great quotes I want to share (some of them really fit into my weight loss and health journey....)

*****"Fear always distorts our perception and confuses us as to what is going on.  Love is the total absence of fear.  Love asks no questions.  Its natural state is one of extension and expansion, not comparison and measurement"  (How often are we unhappy because we compare ourselves to what other people think we should look like or be?  Or we compare ourselves to what the media says is perfect?  Then we let fear and disappointment take over instead of just Loving ourselves the way we are and letting love spread!)

****"Although Love is always what we want, we are often afraid of Love without consciously knowing it, and so we may act both blind and deaf to Loves presence.  Yet, when we help ourselves and each other let go of fear, we begin to experience a personal transformation."  (We want acceptance, but we don't know what to do with it when we get it!  We find a way to sabotage it.  This is as true when talking about the relationship with ourselves as it is when referring to romantic relationships.  The last statement...."when we help ourselves AND EACHOTHER....."  Huge.  Life is about giving and being self-less.  If we can help others... in giving to others.. we give to ourselves :).  Which is another reason accountability partners are amazing!

****"With Love as our only reality, health and wholeness can be viewed as inner peace, and healing can be seen as letting go of fear."  (This one is a HUGE one for me!)

****"We often believe that fears of the past can successfully predict the fears of the future.  The results of this type of thinking are that we spend most of our time worrying about both the past and the future, creating a vicious cycle of fear, which leaves little room for Love and joy in the present."  (This is our cycle with dieting... always afraid that we will do what we did in the past.. worrying about the future and never appreciating the present and spending time with the LOVE we should be feeling for our lives NOW.  What would life be like if we just LOVED ourselves right NOW the way we are and let go of fear of what others think.. fear of gaining weight back.. fear of going back to old habits?

In the book, there is this great picture drawn of this person trying to balance all of these goals he has for his life... money, job, family, health, relationships..that kind of thing.  He was having a heck of a time balancing it all on his head.  He was teetering and tottering and things were falling of.  He just couldn't manage it all.  That is the way I feel sometimes. How the hell do I manage my dancing goals with my running goals with my weight loss goals with my family with my friends.....its all so much!  Something gets dropped.  It just does.  Then the book continues to talk about "Singleness of Goal".....

"Peace of mind as our single goal is the most potent motivating force we can have.  To have inner peace we need to be consistent in having peace of mind as our single goal.  Instead of having a single goal, we are all tempted to try to juggle multiple goals.  Juggling can only serve to deflect our focus and increase our conflict.  We can achieve consistency in keeping this single goal in mind by reminding ourselves of the singleness of purpose we would have if we suddenly found ourselves drowning in the ocean.  We would, in that situation, put all of our attention into the single goal of staying afloat and breathing for survival."

After I read that, I wrote below it.. "Be happy, Martha!"  (Which is what my friend Brandon told me as we talked about our goals... just be happy..that is what is important.)  Single goal.. Be happy...the rest will all into place.

The books goes on with some more amazing insights into how our minds and the choices we make create our lives.   It also talked about how we let our Ego make our goals instead of acting from a place of peace.  (Which is huge for endurance athletes or any active person who suffers from physical injury).  It also gives a list of words and phrases to avoid while bringing inner peace into your life..the one I found most profound... "any words that place you or anyone else in a category".   I won't keep quoting the book.  But it is very insightful and comes with daily practices to help with these things.  Its a great book and easy to read.  And it fits with the weight loss issue, and it fits with the feelings of unworthiness that so many of my friends seem to battle on a daily basis.

I know this blog is already way too long.....But I want to follow up with one more short thing.

Last Sunday, I returned to church for the first time since I was arrested back in February.  Rev. Jackie was finishing up her talk on The Four Agreements.  Last Sunday she talked about the last agreement.. "Do your best."  This was perfect timing for me as I am really working towards changing my eating habits again.  She quoted scripture from the Bible as well as thing from Ruiz's book The Four Agreements...  Here are a few of my notes that really struck me as she spoke..

Be Ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.  (A scripture from the Bible)

Let the same mind that is Christ that knew he and god were one be yours.

Use your mind to create your life..to realize you are one with Perfection.

Believe this and act on this and let your soul do its best.  Step out of fear and let Love guide your life.

3 Steps in Doing your Best...

1)  Set an Intention to do your best.   Decide upon a thing and it will be established for you.

2) Awareness.  Pay attention to your thoughts feelings and actions. Be aware in every single moment.  Be present.  Feel!  Get honest about what you think.

3) Practice.  It's a process.  Gotta keep moving forward.  It takes work, patience, understanding and perseverance.  Keep learning.  Keep expanding.

Perfection is not always what's right.  It's the depth of knowing that in every mistake there is the opportunity to make another choice and learn.

Do your best means to go about life with an open heart!

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I will leave you with one last thought from Sunday's teaching... and it my prayer and focus for this week.....

May the words from my mouth and the intention of my heart reveal only truth, peace and love.

Finally, seriously......

On The Mend!!!

After waiting 4 1/2 months, I finally got to have my back surgery.  I'm not gonna lie.  I was nervous.  Yes, I have had a micro-discectomy before, and I even had the same surgeon.  But anytime I think about back surgery, I think about what *could* go wrong.  It is, after all, my back!  In 2005, the pain I experienced was crazy insane nerve pain that kept me in bed.  The pain I experienced this time wasn't crazy intense.  It just generally hurt and all very localized in my lumbar.  Sometimes it was better than others.  But it ALWAYS kept me from doing what I really wanted to do because the pain would get bad.

The MRI showed a ruptured disc in L4/L5 and some possible issues in L5/S1 (where I had my previous surgery). Dr. Doeer, told me he would go in and clean up L4/L5 and take a look at L5/S1.  With plan in place, and me all checked in, it was just a matter of time.

I really do love my surgeon.  I totally joke and call him Dr. Hottie, but to be completely honest, he may dress straight out of the GQ magazine, but he is one of the most talented surgeons I have ever met.  He is very intense and very good and what he does.  He doesn't take any non-sense and he gets in and gets the job done.  Sure the nurses can do some of his follow up work, but he would much rather be the person to do that. He wants to be complete control of his patient's experience.  He is pretty awesome. With all of that said, it didn't stop me from cracking jokes with him just before my surgery.  He came in to do the pre-op consultation and review and it was the first time I had see him in jeans that had holes in them, a running/workout shirt, and cowboy boots that were obviously some of his most favorite worn out comfy ones.  I joked and said, he must have a whole closet of boots to choose from, and he agreed with me.  He rotates expensive boots like I rotate expensive running shoes.  *laugh*  It was fun to see him a little bit more relaxed and comfortable.

Dr. Doerr has done 2 of my surgeries in recent years, but both of those have been at the big hospital here in town.  This time, I was having surgery in the private hospital owned and ran by the surgeons.  I wasn't quite sure what to expect. But let me tell you, if you live in Boise and you get the option to have surgery at Treasure Valley Hospital, DO IT!   My pre-op nurse was assigned to me and me only and made sure I was cared for.  Once it was time for surgery, the surgery nurse came and introduced herself to me and wheeled me back to the operating room. Once inside the OR, she introduced me to everyone else in the room.  I got to see the OR bed which looked like much more like a stretching/torture device than a bed.  It was two black rods with a sling/hammock type thing hanging between the two rods.  There were pads where I can only imagine my pelvic bones would be placed. There were pads where my chest and face would be placed. They placed pillows in that sling.  I talked to the nurse about the bed and she told me she lays in the "bed" before every surgery to make sure the patients would be comfortable.  The room itself was filled with very bright lights. It was very clean. I saw everyone running around getting ready. There was great music playing over head (just like on TV..its nice to know my surgeon has good choice in music).  Then I saw Dr. Doeer come in. He was covered from head to toe in "blood armor". *laugh*  He was all serious and NO ONE spoke to him.  He had his game face on and brought in his tools and got busy doing whatever it was he needed to get done.  Watching all of this going on was very reassuring.  Then I felt the cold stuff go into my IV, and I was gone.

I woke up in the recovery room to the sounds of Dr. Doeer talking sweetly to me.   "C'mon, sweetie, time to wake up." He touched me here and there to make sure I had feeling in places I needed to have feeling.  He also told me how surgery went and that the damage to my back was worse than we all had thought it was.

They wheeled me to my private room and I met my nurse and CNA.  I had this great huge window with a tree outside my window. I had Tracy open the blinds and I watched the storm come through. It was amazing!  Within the first hour, I had a grape Popsicle and 2 chocolate puddings and lots of ice chips.  Then I got to order my gourmet dinner which was amazing!  I was treated like a queen in the hosptial. The nurses were amazing.  By midnight, the catheter was taken out and I was walking the hallways.

Dr. Doeer came in at 9am the next morning to check on me and go over the surgery again.  He changed my dressing and took out the wound drainage. He did all of this without nurses help.  He insisted on doing it himself.  Again, he told me how bad the injury was and we both agreed that it was a good thing I had surgery; I was not going to get better without the surgery.  The rupture was much bigger than expected and was pressing on the nerve.  I had bone spurs in L5/S1 that were pressing on the nerves.  Now they are all gone. By 10:30, I was on my way home.

I had surgery on Wednesday; I went home on Thursday less than 24 hours after surgery.   It is now Saturday. Last night, we went out to a club for a work thing.  And I have only had 2 pain killers since 10:30 last night; its now 5pm on Saturday.  I'm walking a mile a day around my block (in increments) and I have very little pain.  The pain that I feel is from surgery and not from the injury.  My head is finally coming out of the fog a bit.  And I'm so pleased with the results of my surgery thus far.  I really am blessed with an amazing surgeon and support crew around me. I'm so glad my hubby supported the decision to have the surgery again.  I am taking recovery slowly and responsibly.  I will focus on strengthening my core before I get back into running.  But for right now, I am just grateful for being able to walk.

When Dreams Become Reality....

The Birth of Leahzetta Rose...

I can't even remember how long ago I saw my first Red Light Variety Show and said, "One day I will be up there!"  But it was probably around 3 years ago.  I had no idea HOW to go about getting up on stage with them, but I set that as a goal.  And one of my male friends (either Kurt or Kenneth) said, "And I will be there to catch it with a camera when you do!"  

Well last night was NOT Red Light Variety Show, but it was my debut performance as a burlesque performer!  I had the extreme honor of performing with Frankly Burlesque at Pengilly Saloon.  Each month, Frankly Frankie holds a burlesque show and she cycles in different performers every month.  3 weeks ago, I took an intensive bare necessities burlesque workshop with from her; there were 4 other women in that class.  As it turns out, I was the only one who was willing to perform, so the class dance became a solo.  For the last 3 weeks, I have been busy creating the perfect costume and then rolling with the punches when all of a sudden costuming plans changed.  First, I was going to lose my bra and get down to pasties and bare breasts.  But, recent events had Frankie changing plans and our breasts had to be covered at all times.  Since losing my bra was a significant portion of my classic burlesque performance, I had to get creative in order to live within the spirit of the law (if not the letter).   By "law" I mean liquor licensing rules.  (Long story)

So first and foremost, I had to create my original costume.......  Black bra, black panties, and pasties (the basics).  I already had a pair of black sequined panties from halloween..so it was just a matter of transforming a black bra into something fabulous and decorating the white pasties that Frankie won from Miss Dottie Minx and promptly gave to me.

The creative process was so much fun, and maybe a bit frustrating.  But the results were too much fun! I thought maybe it was a bit over the top, until the girls behind stage last night were all about the feathered bra :).  (Job well done)

I thought the costume was ready at this point until we were told we couldn't get down to just pasties.  So I went on the hunt for the perfect bra to fit under the feathered bra.  I needed something sheer......I ended up purchasing a bra that had a sheer mesh that was lined with polyester and lace that could be cut away. It worked out perfectly.  Then I added some rhinestones and....it turned out fabulous!!!

Now with everything I need to perform, the last thing was the question....."Do you have a dancer name?"  Oy!  I really didn't think Frankie would ask me that question.  I mean, I'm "just a student".  But I had been thinking about it anyway.  Every belly dancer thinks about a dance name.  Most burlesque performers have a different name than their given name.  So, yes, it was on my mind.  I had decided Leahzetta would be the first name.  It is a name that my mom found on a tomb stone in a family graveyard back in Texas.  She almost named me that.  So, as a tribute to my mom, and because it was an exotic name, I chose that.  But when I got the email asking about my dancer name, I was sitting around the table on Mother's Day with my family playing dominoes.  I asked them what they thought my last name should be.  Naomi came up with Rose.  So there we have it..... The naming of a burlesque dancer.  Now all I had to do, was get her to the bar and through the birth canal of dance and show her to the world.. or at least the crowd at Pengilly Saloon!

I was nervous about what to expect.  I had had panic attacks earlier in the week.  But I wasn't panicking about performing.  It was mostly about what to expect from before the show, and how things run.  It would be a completely different venue and context in performance than I am used to (or at least in my mind it was).  In reality, when I stopped to think about it, it's not much different than performing on stage for Oasis Dreams.

What I found when I got there, was something totally fantastic!  The women I was going to be sharing the stage with that night, were some of the most amazing and supportive women I have ever met.  All of us back in this little hall way turned dressing room.  Each of us helping the other with taping down costumes to cover up the necessities.  At one point, I had a woman I had just met kneeling down with her head at my rear end level helping me pull up sequined panties so as not to catch on the fishnet stockings! There were women helping each other clasp bras, tape on assles (pasties for our bum), and safety pinning dresses.  Makes up and glitter were being shared.  Hair spray was being passed around.  At one point, we were in various stages of undress when random men came walking through to get to the stairs to head up to offices just above us.  (Remember we were in a hall way.)  Then there is the lone man of the group, Dan.  He is freaking awesome...and there he was with the rest of us changing into costumes just like the girls.

I was worried about my costume.  Was it over the top? Was it okay?  But every performer back stage though it was amazing and creative.  And when they found out how old I was they cheered.  When they found out I was "popping my cherry" of burlesque performing they were all supportive.  It was the best experience I have ever had in any kind of "locker room" scenario!  Belly dance is about the same way, but I don't spend much time in a dressing room for belly dance performances.

Finally, it was time for me to go on stage. I was first to perform.  I stood behind the closed curtain and heard Frankly Frankie introduce me as her student, a belly dancer, and this being my first burlesque performance. Then she introduced me, and I heard my name, "Leahzetta Rose" and I KNEW I had picked the right name.  The curtain opened with my back to the audience, and the crowd cheered!  The music began, and my body moved and I got my flirt on! By the time I turned around and faced the audience, I could see each one of them out there.  They were whooping and hollering. They were cheering me on.  I was making eye contact with them.  I was so grateful for the huge smiles on my hubby's and our friend Rene's faces as I danced.  My other friends were out there somewhere.  But I focussed on who I could see and I flirted with my eyes and my dance and felt completely amazing!!!!

At one point, I could feel my face/smile shaking.  I wasn't nervous.  It was adrenneline. I told it to chill the heck out.  And I kept dancing.  The song ended with my hands in the air, my tassels spinning and a curtsy and kiss blown to the crowd.  Whew!!!  Leahzetta Rose was born into the warm and welcoming cheers of the audience of Pengillly's.  Once she stepped off stage, she was gathered in warm embraces by the other dancers.  Once I was out of costume and into "street clothes", just like a new born baby, I was passed around the audience and embraced with words of encouragement, love, and welcome to this new community of burlesque performers!

It was truly a birth... a right of passage.. and for my 45th birthday and 25th mother's day!  What a better way to celebrate Mother's Day than to give birth to my own beautiful amazing burlesque dancer, Leahzetta Rose!!!

The cherry on top?? As I was giving Frankly Frankie a hug goodbye and thanking her for giving me the opportunity, she gave me such lavish praise for the way I worked the audience.  And then she asked me if I would want to keep doing this with her.  Yes!!!!!  Dream come true!!!!  So, look out, there will be more of Leahzetta Rose to come!  She wasn't just a one-dance wonder!  Here's to more creative friskiness to come!

You Know You Really Want To Learn Something When.....

You wake up in the middle of the night practicing it in your sleep!

So three of the things I really want to get down this belly dance season are the belly and chest rolls and well as the combined undulation and shimmy.  I have been stretching my back muscles in the hot shower after every walk...trying to separate my ribs from my abdomen.  I have been practicing belly rolls in the shower.  And I do all of these things in my car while I'm sitting at traffic lights.  But last night as I was sleeping, my abdomen really burned.  I was asleep and couldn't figure out why it was burning until I woke up enough to realize, I had been practicing my belly rolls in my sleep!  Well I guess that is one way to do it.  But when I woke up enough to realize I was doing it, I became conscious of it and ended up using my back muscles instead of my abs (turning into more of an undulation/body roll than a belly roll and my back started to hurt).  Funny thing, this desire to become a better dancer and better and what I love.  *laugh*  I bet I kinda looked like a dog running in his sleep. *laugh*

So it's been a week since I pushed the restart button on my health journey.  I have walked every day.  I would say I walked a 5K every day, but there was one day in there where I only walked like 2 1/2 miles cause I got a late start and Tracy came to pick me up for lunch.  (Excuses....I could have opted out of lunch, but I wanted to go.  Based on how much the salad was for what I got in it, I SHOULD have opted out. *laugh*)  Anyway, I walked in pouring down cold rain and in beautiful sunshine.  I stopped to smell the lilacs and I even got my dog out on a 3 mile walk that he swore would kill him.  He is such a silly dog!  He survived!  This morning, I walked my fastest sustained pace/mile for the 2-4 mile range at 15:02/mile.  This makes me very happy (even if my back hurt and I had to push through the pain).

My eating has been much better.  I have not given up the Diet Cokes completely.  In the last week, I have had 3 (which is down from probably 15).  We made 1 stop to Maverick in which I got a blueberry muffin and a Diet Coke.  Then yesterday I went to Subway and I ended up drinking 2 cups of Diet Coke with my sandwich.  It's an improvement. I'll take it.  Every day but 1, I have followed the Refirm plan.  I am not entirely certain my tummy likes all of the supplements.  I am hoping that its just a matter of getting used to the vitamins and stuff.  But I sure get queasy.  (I had this issue with Beachbody's Shakeology too.)  I will keep it up and see how it goes.

So for the physical accountability..... here ya go.  I released 2# from 206 to 204.  Bust stayed the same at 43", Hips the same at 46", Thighs the same at 27", Arms down from 15" to 14 1/2", Waist down from 40" to 38".  So down 2# and 2 1/2" over all.  That is physical progress.

Emotionally, I feel soooo much better!  Getting up every day and knowing I NEED To be out walking to reach my goals is so important to me.  I am such a goal oriented and challenge oriented person.  I need something to work towards or I am just lost along this path of life.  And I have really been examining my creative/dance side of things.  It has been an amazing journey, and its only been a week! *laugh*

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This week's chapter in Transformation by Bill Phillips is all about Exercise.  Here are a few of my favorite quotes....which I just proved for myself to be true in this last week of a 5K every day (well except 1 day).

"But dd you know that exercise has been scientifically shown to make us more intelligent, happier and more successful?  It's true!"

"Researchers at Duke University studied people suffering from depression for 4 months and found that 60% of those who exercised for 30 minutes, 3 times a week, overcame the condition without using antidepressants which is about the same percentage rate as those who use medication only in their treatment of depression."

"The best results were shown to occur in vigorous (intense) exercise performed consistently.  And the benefits continue as long as someone continues to work out."  (My side note:..... so don't stop working out.. it doesn't work so well. *laugh*)

I found this one particularly interesting based on my Traumatic Brain Injury:  "In addition, exercise boosts blood flow to the brain which helps it receive more oxygen and nutrients and it increases the energy of brain waves that are responsible for quick thinking, focus, creativity and problem solving."  Maybe that is why I (as well as some of my friends) do our best thinking while we are out running or cycling.

WARNING:  "Please realize that every week you don't get up and move for a few hours (walking, weight lifting, jogging) takes you another step closer to heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, cancer, depression, arthritis and osteoporosis."

Your simple prescription for health..which I found to be true this week:  "The scientific fact is that significant psychological and physical health benefits begin to occur with as little as 30 minutes of walking, 3 days a week."

ACTION STEPS...........

Based on the scientific evidence presented in this chapter, three specific exercise benefits that I am now holding the intention of personally experiencing are:
1)  Healthy Sustainable Weight
2)  Clearer More Creative Thinking
3)  Happy Disposition and Flexible Mind and Body

The amount of time I will make available for exercise each week throughout this 18-week transformation journey is:
I will continue on with my 5k/day training schedule until I have surgery.  So this is about 45 minutes to an hour or so every day.  I will also do the 2 hours of dance classes a week as well as 30 minutes/day rehearsal.  As soon as I have my surgery, I will get back to walking and dancing as quickly as possible.

Someone I can share my exercise plan with at the beginning of each week so he or she can help keep me accountable to my goals ad intentions is:
Well, aside from all of you blog readers, I have my family that I stay pretty accountable to.  They are always asking me how my walks went or if I am going out for a walk.  They are great like that.

Someone I can offer support, encouragement and friendly accountability to throughout this 18-week program is:
That is what I love about Facebook.  I have tons of friends who are out there exercising, training, and getting/staying healthy.  At least once a day, I am cheering someone on :).