March 10, 2018 A Rite Of Passage

My heart is so filled with love and gratitude this morning.

Last night was Global Concepts (a night when all of the belly dancers of our community are invited to dance and reunite with our sisters from other troupes).  This event is always held at a bar called The Balcony in downtown Boise.  It's always a great time, but for years, Naomi has been left out of these performances. Why?  Because she was just too young.  In July, she turned 18 years old.  We thought the law for being able to perform in a bar was 19 years old, but we found out recently that it was 18!  As soon as we found that out, we all got excited!

Last night, was Naomi's first Global Concepts.  It was also her first time in any bar!  Our first thought was excitement that she was going to be able to perform with our sisters.  But our next thought was to make sure that we did everything correctly to make sure Samira stayed in good standing with the bar and so that the bar didn't get into trouble with having an "underage" person in the bar.  The law states that 18 - 20 year olds can be in a bar as "employees", and as a performer, Naomi would be considered an employee.  Naomi and I had it planned out. She would be completely dressed for performing before we left the house. She would wear her dance company hoodie. She would be dressed for the part so there was no mistaking what she was there for.  We had planned on taking a picture outside of the entrance to mark the day.  And that is exactly what we did.

Once we walked into the Balcony, we were greeted (before we even got into the door) to go inside by the owner/manager.  "Is this our 18 year old dancer?"  I was surprised by this.  (Now as I think about this, I wonder if maybe there is a camera at the main enterance where we stopped to take a selfie..so she saw us coming.)  After being carded, they marked Naomi's wrist with a very specific mark so that everyone knew she was "underage".  The manager, grabbed the bartenders attention and pointed Naomi out and made sure that the bartender KNEW that Naomi was the "underage" kid they knew was coming.  Then the manager escorted us back to the dressing room (to make sure Naomi didn't go where she wasn't suppose to go).  The instructions, "You are welcome to perform, but you must leave as soon as you are done."  Thanks to Samira, Naomi was given permission to sit just outside of the dressing room curtain along the opposite side of the dance floor from the bars.  She was sitting/standing alone or with people who had NO ALCOHOL around her.  She had to drink out of a water bottle bought at the bar and a can of Redbull; this way they knew there was no alcohol in her cups.

We made sure to take pictures, like usual.  But this day was important to capture.  It was a rite of passage for her.  For years she has watched as her older dance sisters got to go and dance at the bar, while she had to stay at home.  And now, it was her time! 

When she walked into the dressing room, she was greeted with hugs and cheers and welcomes.  It was like a birth. There was this curtain that separated her from a life she once knew to a brand new life as an "adult performer", and there were her sisters ready to welcome her with open arms and lots of love and support.  Then of course, there were the typical, "We are not ready for you to be this old!" statements.  Naomi has grown up in this belly dancing community.  She was 11 or 12 when we started dancing.  I remember her first performance, Mearah, didn't want the young girls to have their bellies hanging out just yet.  Naomi wore a big skirt and a top that covered her belly.  She performed in a retirement center.  Now here she is nearly 7 years later...tattoos, belly piercing, dancing in dance bras or crop tops and pants and "human belts".  She started in Cabaret style dancing and is now in Fusion dancing.  She has grown so much.  And these women that have taught her and supported her through everything the teenage years have thrown at her, were there last night to witness this rite of passage.  The "Grandmother" of our bellydancing lineage was there last night.  While Naomi has never danced with Sidonia, Sidonia has watched Naomi grow up on stages around Boise.  As Naomi sat at her special table along the dressing room curtain, Sidonia went over to visit with her, give her hugs.  Everyone was so excited to have Naomi there and dancing.  Naomi was surrounded by love and community. 

I am so grateful for the strong, elegant, intelligent, talented, graceful, fierce women that have helped me raise such an amazing young woman!  I love my dance sisters more than they will ever know.  I am grateful for all of the teachers we have had over the years.  I am grateful for the strength Naomi has gained because of bellydance.  This is the best thing I could have ever done for her...  It takes empowered women to raise empowered girls, and that is what belly dance does! 

Here's to my amazing sisters!  I love you all!

February 16, 2018 Back in the Game....

...of Art and Science that is.

This past week has been pretty amazing, if not a little stressful on the brain.  It started with an amazing burlesque show on Sunday at Pengilly's where I did my Code Monkey act and a new act called Three Fandoms.  I was asked to close the show with my new act.  Closing the show is a kind of a big deal.  It is the last thing people see before the curtain call.  It leaves them with an impression and something to think about before the next show 2 weeks later.  That act was an act of love.  Over 3000 rhinestones were hand placed onto the costume pieces.  I got to bring out my favorite super hero, Green Lantern.  That piece required me to put in technology into the costume which was a first for me.  It also allowed me to really connect to the part of me that creates my own personal power; which is what Green Lantern represents to me.  People think burlesque is just stripping, but to the performer it is so much more!  It is about empowerment and art and being as vulnerable and authentic as possible.  I get so much from it.  And I love to see the audience get the joy from my acts.  It was a magical night of performing.  And by Monday morning, my head was kinda toast.

Technology going into my Green Lantern Costume

Code Monkey Costume

The 4th Doctor Who for my Three Fandom's Act.

But Monday morning, I had to roll out of bed anyway.  I had Art Docent training.  I am training to be a Art Docent for the School Tour program at the Boise Art Museum (BAM).  Years ago, back in Arizona, I used to teach the Art Masterpiece Program which was contained inside of my children's school.  But it was basically the same thing.  Each month, we had a new artist and used the prints that were in the school and the script given to us to go in and teach the classes.  It was tons of fun.  But when we moved here to Idaho, there was nothing like that.  I tried teaching art in Naomi's class rooms, but the funding wasn't there and I couldn't do it properly.  Recently, I decided that it was time for me to get out and give back to my community and find a way to work my brain.  I LOVE  the art museum, and after receiving an email from them asking if I would be interested, I decided to check it out.

Now I am in in full-fledged training.  Monday was my first actual training where we talked about what makes a good art conversation and tour to keep our student engaged.  I also received a thick packet to read which contained the prep material for the teachers who bring their student and my own script for the exhibition that we give the tour for.   Wednesday I met with my mentor who went over my trainee check list and a few other things.  Yesterday, I followed another docent and observed her tour which was given to a class of 7 two, three and four year olds.  To my surprise they were quite attentive for being so young and they actually grasped some of the difficult concepts she was discussing; even though, the docent was doing her best to meet them at their level.  It was definitely an interesting experience to observe and I loved every minute of it.  It actually made me feel better about being an Art Docent.  I was worried, that the brain damage would make this difficult, but after watching her I realized it was much like what I used to do in AZ and I can handle this.  And I am teaching the same thing over and over again as long as that exhibit remains in the museum.  So that is a HUGE Help.  Reposition will be key for me here.  Then to cap off my week of being back in the game, I went to an art lecture at BAM.  It was a comparison lecture on the use of "Mud"  (pottery).   They  had a Geology professor from BSU talking about the chemical make of of clay and glaze which was amazing.   I found myself taking notes on elements and the atomic make up of clay and how colors are made.  It was geeky and fascinating.  When he was finished, Garth, the Curator of Ceramics from the Arizona Statue University Art Museum spoke about the art of Clay, but in a way I just wasn't prepared for.  I totally expected him to talk about pottery found in the Native American ruins in AZ.  But what he brought to us was this beautiful slide show about what he felt clay was.  And he used words like Clay is.......emotion, performance, erotic.  It was fascinating, deep, beautiful, exciting, inspirational.  I was so moved and totally enamored by his presence and passion for pottery.  (If you live in Arizona, you really need to get to the museum at ASU!!!!!!  There is a big party/exhibit Feb 22-24 at ASU.. get to it!)

By the time I was done at the museum last night, my brain was so happily exhausted and over worked.

I am grateful that this afternoon, Tracy and I are taking off for Baker City, Oregon.  I have been wanting to go there for so long.  We are staying in a haunted, historic hotel.  We will be visiting an art gallery and some museums and I can not wait to get away with Tracy and relax for a bit.  We certainly need it.   Here's hoping my brain can get some rest, because I need to be able to come back and get back to studying for my Docent stuff and get back to creating more burlesque stuff and work on my choreography for belly dance!

It feels amazing to be back doing the things that I love and stretching my brain.  But wow, twice in 3 weeks, I listened to lectures from Collegiate Doctors about elements that make up either Galaxies or media we use for art.  It's amazing the over lap. It's amazing that my brain hasn't exploded!

Here's to fun adventures and creative growth!!!!

Me going into BAM for the Mud lecture

February 2, 2018 Isn't it Sublime....

Yesterday was an interesting day.

I woke up to see my friend Tawnia posting on Facebook looking for someone who might want to have breakfast with her.  I was excited to see it. She and I had not met face to face, and had only recently become friends on Facebook.  She lost her son 2 months ago and we had bonded over that.  That is our connection.  This week is her birthday week, and I know what all of that feels like.  She had asked people to send her pictures or messages about her son for her birthday.  I did not know her son, but I know how much that stuff means.  I *wished* I had pictures or stories for her.  But I COULD go to breakfast with her!  So we made a plan to meet as soon as I dropped Omi off to school.

As I took Naomi to school, I told her that I was meeting Tawnia.  Naomi then informed me (and she must have before, but I don't remember it at all) that she was friends with Talon (Tawnia's late son). Talon and Naomi had gone to school together in 8th grade and Naomi adored him.  This information was not lost on me.  I was excited to share this with Tawnia. I knew this would make her smile.  And I knew right then and there that both Talon and Nick had arranged this breakfast for Tawnia and me. 

I had a lovely breakfast with Tawnia. We talked about our boys.  We talked about our surviving children. We talked about grief.  We just visited and shared tears.  It was lovely meeting with her and exchanging hugs. We left with hugs and "i love yous".  Seems so odd to tell someone you just met, "I love you" but when you share something as deep as this grief that not everyone understands and shares, it makes you pretty close pretty quickly.  I left her feeling grateful for our new friendship and bond.

I left the restaurant and went straight to JoAnn's to find some things to make pasties for my next performance.  But first I had to make a pit stop at the bathroom.  While I was in there, I started feeling really off.  My head was hurting and I could feel and *see* my pulse through my eyes.  Every time my hear beat, my eyes would go dark.  My chest felt tight.  It was all very odd.  I did my shopping and left.  I decided to go play Pokemon on the way home, but this feeling in my chest was getting worse. You know it's bad when I don't feel like playing Pokemon.  I went home and took my blood pressure with my mom's machine. It was too high for me. I NEVER have high blood pressure...not even on the low end of high.    After looking up heart attack symptoms for women and talking with Tracy, we decided I needed to go to the doctor.

I went to Urgent Care thinking they would just take my blood pressure and do an EKG. They did that.  But they also decided I needed to go to the ER.  They called an ambulance and I got a trip without sirens to the ER.  In the ambulance, I was given 2 doses of nitro and some asprin.  Once in the ER, I received my 3rd EKG and all of the EKG results were good.  But the doctors wanted a blood test to rule out the heart attack.  The first blood test came back good.  But there is a margin of error so they wanted 2 more blood tests drawn out over time.  I was in the ER until 945 or so.  All test results came back good.  But they were concerned that *maybe* my breakfast talking about grief caused some kind of panic response..or my blood pressure to rise and that could be a warning of something bigger.  So they want me to follow up with a specialist and make sure I don't have any issues.  Great.  Now I will be seeing a cardiologist at least for some stress tests.

To be clear, I was NOT feeling agitated or panicky at all. I was grateful and feeling happy after my breakfast with Tawnia.  It was a lovely breakfast and I do not believe in any way that my breakfast was the cause of this issue.  Silly doctors just assume that if you are talking about such horrible things that THEY can't imagine happening, that it MUST cause stress enough to make my heart go wonky. They have no idea the kind of strength I have.  That's a little un-nerving. I know they are just trying to empathize and just trying to help me. But telling me that I cant handle talking about my son 3 years after his death is a little..ummm.. whats the word?  Let's just say, I am not fragile! At least not in that way. 

Anyway, we came home and sat in the hot tub with Omi for a bit. While in the hot tub we talked some more about Talon. Naomi shared some more stories about him.  I need to message Tawnia and tell her.  But then as we were getting out of the hot tub, I started singing and old Sublime song...this one...

I just sang the opening ling, and Naomi picked up the rest and started singing it word for word. This song is OLDER than her. I was shocked she could sing it word for word.  I said, "Wow!  The fact that you can sing that Sublime song that is older than you word for word means someone has done something right." I knew it wasn't me. And then instantly she said, "It was Nick."  "It was Nick."  I smiled as I heard her say that and I walked into my bedroom. 

I laid in bed and had the dorkiest smile on my face.  Nick wanted to make sure I knew he was there.  He was there yesterday morning making sure I was visiting with Tawnia.  And he was there last night letting me know I was okay and he was still watching over everything.  I laid in bed as I listed to him talk to me.  He said he was with Talon and they are hanging out. He  told me he was glad that Tawnia and I connected.  Then he laughed as he made sure I remembered why he knew this song to begin with.  I  laughed at this memory, and I don't think I have shared it before.

When Nick was in elementary school in 1997, I decided to pick up the Sublime album. My taste in music was starting to expand. Tracy HATED Sublime or anything that wasn't country at the time.  The CD case had a parental advisory on it, because as you can see this song had "bad words".  It also talked about inappropriate things like violence and drugs.  Anyway, the CD case had a clown on it or something like that.  Nick knew he wasn't allowed to listen to these CDs.  But for whatever reason, he took the CD to his friends apartment across the parking lot.  His friend's mom found it and got PISSED.  She came over with the CD case in hand and accused my son of being a bad influence on her child (who was a hellion in his own right). I was so mad at Nick for taking the CD over to this kids house.  I was mad at him for disobeying me. I was ashamed that I got busted for having such music around where my kids could get to it.  (My how my life has changed.)

After talking to Nick about it, his response was, "Well it had a clown on the cover, so I thought it was kid friendly."

Does THAT look kid friendly to you? Ya... I don't think so either.  Nick was totally playing me. That little shit!  LOL

He totally got busted.  But the fact is, he loved that band, we laughed about it until the day he died.  It is a great memory, and I had forgotten about it.  I'm so glad that Nick came to visit and shared this memory with me last night.  I can not even begin to express the level of contentment, peace and happiness I had last night while falling asleep. It was like he was alive and well again.  No, I was not hallucinating; nor did I crash when I remembered he was dead. I knew along he was dead.  But for a moment, it felt like he was right there beside me and I was so freaking happy.  I love those moments.  And I am "okay" this morning knowing that he is not really here in the physical because I know that when I need him, he is ALWAYS here by my side and with his family.  He's a good egg that boy of mine! 

With that said...... "Lovin'.. is what I got!" And isn't it sublime!

January 27, 2018 I Caught The Wave

It's been a little over 3 years since Nick was taken from us.  During the anniversary time frame, I was having a heck of a time.  But after the anniversary, I seemed to be okay for the most part.  I "bounced" back.  I don't really like to focus on grief.  I have a very full life that I love to live.  But every once in a while, the wave comes in while I'm in the ocean, and I find myself riding the wave into shore....

I must have caught this most recent wave way off of the shore line, cause I have been riding it for probably a couple of weeks now.  It has been a nice gentle wave that just keeps going.  There is nothing big about it. There is nothing really scary about it.  It just is.  It's one of those long slow easy waves that just keeps going and going until you get to shore. 

It started a couple of weeks ago when I looked up Michaeleen Blair to see if there is an obituary for her.  There isn't.  The woman who took my son's life is now 86 years old and still kicking.  I seriously want to write to her.  Sometimes I want to tell her that I forgive her and other times I want to write to her and tell her how horrible she is, and she can't even begin to think that the "settlement" given to Suzy was near enough to make up for the damage she has done.  So that is where it started; that is where I caught the wave.  I should forgive her for myself, but what would that mean to me? Would it mean that I would let go of my son; that I have come to some terms that say it is "okay" that my son is dead?  Not sure I can go there.

I stopped looking her up.  Until I can decide what to do with those feelings, I can't keep looking at them.  But the reality is, I had better speak my peace before she dies.

Even though, I stopped looking her up, the wave keeps going.  I am balanced on this surf board and living my life.  At times I am feeling the ocean breeze through my hair and enjoying the peaceful ride remembering the times at the beach with Nick.  I smile.  I laugh.  I feel warm inside.  Then I feel the pull again.

A friend wants to go to Universal Studios in Orlando and he wants me to go with him.  I want to go.  But I also realize the last time I went to Universal Studios was with Nick and the rest of the family.  And if I go to Florida, I would want to go to "the corner" and put flowers down at the memorial sign.  Now I feel the pull even harder.  I am feeling the NEED to go to Florida and visit that corner. 

A month or so ago, another angel mom posted a picture of the place where her son took his own life.  She asked me if I ever felt drawn to the place where Nick was killed.  The answer is "Yes, at least once a year, I feel drawn to that corner."  Usually that time of year is around the anniversary or at Nick's birthday.  To me the idea of being drawn to "the corner" is kind of crazy.  I feel Nick with me all of the time.  He shows up all of the time.  (As a matter of fact, he showed up today..more on that later.)  So WHY do I feel drawn to "the corner"?  He is not there.  It won't bring him back.  But for whatever reason, I feel drawn.  I am feeling pulled something fierce right now.  Like, it is taking everything I have NOT to jump on a plane right now.  I really want to go.  As a matter of fact, we were supposed to be in Florida in May for one of Nick's friend's wedding. But the wedding is happening the same weekend as Naomi's graduation so we are not going.  I knew that if we went, we would be visiting "the corner".  Maybe that is why I am feeling the need to go.  I had already planned on going, and now I'm not.  Maybe that is why I keep looking at vacations that will take me to Florida.  *shrug*

Being a grieving parent is a special kind of thing.  I do not want to exclude dad's from this grief.  But I never see dad's posting on Facebook and expressing their grief.  I take that back.  I know of one dad who does, and I am grateful for his bravery and I honor his process.  I honor all grieving parents.  I know my hubby grieves and I honor his process.  But the women seem to be more vocal.  In the last couple of weeks I have connected with 2 (new to me) moms who have lost their boys.  One lost hers 2 months ago and the other so many years ago.  Maybe THAT is the reason I am still on this wave of grief. I have been talking and connecting with them.  I do not think this is a bad thing.  We need to be there for each other.  I just think that maybe this is why I am still on this wave.  *shrug*  It's okay.  I'm glad I can be there for others who know this pain.  It takes a community to help carry us when we can't carry ourselves.  I am grateful for the community of Angel Moms that I am part of.  It helps to know that I am not alone.  It helps to know that if the wave throws me off of my surf board, they will be in the water to help me stay afloat and not drown.

This morning, the wave was still gently pushing me toward the sandy shore.  I was reading through Facebook and another friend had posted a press release from a near by police/sheriff department.  A car had been found idling on the side of a highway.  They sheriff saw tracks in the snow and they followed the tracks that ended at the river.  Come to find out, the owner of the car had just found a suicide note from her son...   The boy was found in the icy waters.  Instantly, I felt those waves I had been riding get tumultuous.  I could feel myself starting to lose my balance.  Tears started building in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.  I could hear the knock on the door from the police to notify her that her son was dead.  I instantly remembered the phone call I had when I got the news.  I could visualize the police at my mom's house at her door giving my mom and daughter in law the news of Nick's death.  I could feel my balance wavering; I was going to hit the water any minute now.

I responded to the post I saw and then closed Facebook.  I was in the parking lot of Michael's craft store.  I had things to do today.  I can feel this, but I need to keep moving forward.  I got out of the car and walked into Michael's focusing on the burlesque show I am getting ready for.

Just as I entered the store, to my right, was a section of beach themed decor.  The beach, the ocean, the waves are where Tracy and I always feel drawn.  We love the beach life. We live with Radio Margaritaville playing in the background all of the time.  Heck last night, we got all dressed up in island attire to head out to a tropical themed night at a local bar; and its freezing outside!  But anytime we can feel the feeling of the tropics is a good time.   I felt my soul starting to calm down.  I felt "island way of thinking" starting to sink in and that grief wave I had been riding had started to calm down.  I had regained my balance on that board.  I wasn't going to be thrown into the ocean anymore. 

I continued looking through the store.  I had gone in there for Gem-Tac, but I also needed to look for ideas for a prop and I wanted to take a look at some painting supplies.  As I wandered around the store, I felt drawn to these little miniatures.  I thought they were like "fairy garden" decorations.  But they were beach themed decorations.  They had little shallow mini pails that you could put sand and glass stones in and these little miniatures to make a landscape of a beach or pool or whatever.  Then I heard it, "Mom, I'm here.  Just keep looking. I'm here.  Find me."  Nick does this so often. I will be in or near a store, and I will hear him tell me that he is there.  That basically means there is a rubber ducky somewhere near by and I need to find it.  It's his way of showing me that he is with me all of the time, or in times when I really need him. And I DID just feel like I was about to get thrown off the surf board and into the ocean. 

I started to seriously scan the decorations.  First I found a tiny swan shaped "float".  I thought, "Wow! That is cool!"  (If you don't know me, the swan is an animal that I feel very connected to for spiritual reasons, and my first tattoo was a swan that Nick helped me design.)  I continued looking, and there at the bottom, was a figurine that was an above ground pool and it had a rubber ducky float in it.  There he was... Nick.  Nick had shown up in the form of a rubber ducky... in the section that was all about beach and tiki bar life.  It was perfect. 

I still feel drawn to "the corner"  really strongly.  I do not know if I will get to go, and I still don't even know WHY I feel drawn there.  Maybe it's because a piece of me was left there and I need to get it back.  But will I ever be able to get it back?  I mean it's not like it will bring Nick back.  So why do I feel like I need to go there?  All I know is that it feels like a primal NEED.

For right now, I will be grateful for all of the ways that Nick comes to visit me and to share his love.  I'm sure this wave will hit the shore soon and I will be able to relax in the warm sand and enjoy the gentle ocean breezes and smile.  For now I will remain grateful and focused on love and keep moving forward.

January 5, 2018 Live Your Life!!!!

Today was an interesting day.  I went to bed last night with a plan, but I woke up and the plan had changed.  Then it changed again.  Actually, it changed a few times and found a couple of blessings within the changes.

My original plan was to get up when Tracy had to get up (at 8am) and throw on my hiking clothes, get the Yaktrax and hiking poles and head up to Corrals for a 6 mile hike.  The alarms went off.  Tracy finished his shower and I was still in bed.  He asked if I wanted to take him to work after a meeting he had.  Okay.  The meeting shouldn't be long.  This works out.  I love being able to spend extra time with him when I take him to work.  And I might even be able to have lunch with him if I get my hike done in time.  So, yay!  The first change to my plans had been happily made.  But as time continued to slip on by, I realized it was getting later and later.  I continued to get my things ready to go.  I couldn't find my Yaktrax.  I thought, "That's okay.  I will be able to go by and pick some up on the way out."  However, Tracy's meeting that was supposed to be short ended up being rather long.  So long, in fact, that I had to scrub the mountain trail all together. The hike was going to take too long to get anything else done today.

I changed my plans a second time.  I decided to go to the greenbelt off Park Center Blvd.  I would walk the 6 mile out and back from the Quarry Building to Barber Park and back.  Most of it is a bird sanctuary and non paved path. It is beautiful there.  I love to walk there, and I wouldn't need any special equipment and I could still get my 6 miles in (just on flatter/quicker terrain).  The joke was on me.  That path was nothing but an ice rink.  My plans changed again. Instead of 6 miles, I decided I would do 4 miles (2 miles out, 2 miles back). On the way in, I stopped and took pictures of a beautiful Eagle and a Heron on opposite sides of the river from each other.  I watched as sparrows flitted about.  Of course there are always geese and ducks around.  And I even got far enough to see my favorite swan, only to find out that 1 swan had multiplied into 4!  What a delight! I made friends with a couple of dogs.  I said good morning to runners and walkers.  I watched in awe as a man in his waders walked thigh deep into the Boise River to fly fish.  It was a beautiful day!  The walk was VERY slow going.  I didn't even have my snow boots on. I had street running shoes on, which meant I had no traction.  I slipped and slided, but I never fell.  Today's objective of miles, pace, and strength building was changed to, miles and balance/core training.

Once I got to the 2 mile mark and turned around, I decided to start listening to one of the songs I am doing a burlesque routine to next week.  I need to choreograph it, and I hadn't even started yet.  So I turned it on and listened to it over and over and over again. I think I had a good idea where to start now. That is something.  If I was losing valuable rehearsal time to a very slow, beautiful walk, might as well listen to the music and put my thinking cap on :). While I listened to my music on the way back, I noticed 3 different trees that I had completely missed on my way in.  These 3 trees had been decorated with Christmas decorations!  Such a random and beautiful surprise.  And that is when this walk went from "Get the miles in" to "Deep profound lessons".

Nature has a way of teaching us invaluable lessons.  Today's walk was no different, except that some humans had a part in today's lesson.  It is so easy to use the excuses, "It's too cold outside." or "There is still ice on the paths" or "I don't have the right equipment" or "I woke up late" or "That meeting ran late" or "I'm just too tired" or any other excuse you feel fits the  bill to not get out and do something or to not take a risk or to not live your life.  It is really easy to stay inside of your comfort zone where everything is predictable and controlled.  It's easy to stay in the house, on the couch, in a warm blanket beside a flickering fire place with the Netflix playing.  It takes a bit of effort, to put on 3 layers of clothes, find the cloves, coat and hat and drive a bit to go be in nature, in the cold weather.  Then it takes even more work to get out of the car and walk on the icy path.  It takes commitment to your goal and plans.  It takes stepping outside of your comfort zone. 

But what happens when you step outside of your comfort zone?  Do you get stuck in looking at every step you take.  Are you so focused on where you are placing your feet that you forget to look up and the beauty around you?  Do you get so worried about the little details that you forget the big picture around you?  Are you so afraid of failing that you forget that the best part of the journey is just being alive and experiencing this life as we know it?  Do you find excuses to turn around or do you keep on moving forward? 

I'm not saying that it is wrong to change your plans or your goals.  What I am saying, is check your reasons. Check your motivations.  Don't let yourself get comfortable and stop living your life!  Don't let yourself get old!  (Okay, that last statement might seem out of context, but I promise you, it will make sense in a few minutes.)

As I was saying, I had turned around at the 2 mile mark and now that I had already walked those same 2 miles, I was feeling a little more secure in my footing and where to walk.  It freed up my gaze and allowed me to do some more looking up and around.  And there I saw these beautiful trees decorated with Christmas ornaments.  And I remember thinking, "If I had still been so scared of falling, if I had turned around sooner, I may have never been blessed with such simple joy and the gift that was given to me in this moment!"  I felt so grateful for my life and my health. I felt so grateful for the amazing place in which I live.  Let's face it, Boise is beautiful.  Idaho is magnificent. And it's not just the beautiful outdoors, its the people that live here and share it with us.  It can be freezing outside, but there are still people out riding their bikes, fishing in the frigid waters, walking their dogs along the trails and kids out playing by the ponds.  And to top it off, you have people who are out there leaving random acts of joy on trees :).  This place is magical!

Once I finished my 4 miles, I got back in my car and my heart was filled with gratitude. I immediately started making plans for where I would go next. I need more Yaktrax. I also needed a pump for my bicycle.  This would require 2 different stops.  I didn't have time for 2 different stops.  I have burlesque stuff to do.  Something  kept telling me that I needed to go to Meridian Cycles.  "You can go to REI tomorrow.  You need to go to Meridian Cycles today."  Well okay then. I decided that I would make the stop at Meridian Cycles for the bike pump. 

I walked in, and a young man asked if he could help me. I told him what I was looking for and we walked to the back of the shop.  Once I got back there, I saw my friend Kurt.  I had no idea he was in there today.  As a matter of fact, I thought he no longer worked there at all.  So it was a great surprise to see his smile and warm eyes.  We exchanged hugs, and I finished picking up my pump.  But then we stood there and visited for a while.  We started talking about "getting old".  He is older than me.  I still don't know how old he really is; he keeps that pretty close to the cuff.  But as we talked he told me about a friend of his that was in his mid to late 60's who had just taken his own life a couple of days ago.  He told me that his man used to be a very active person but his arthritis and the meds he took for them had taken "life as he knew it" away.  And the last thing he had told Kurt was "Never get old". 

We aren't talking about age. We are talking about letting age get the best of you.  When you stop getting out and living your life, when you start making excuses to take on new adventures, you allow your brain and your emotions to get old.  When you stop moving, your body says, "Oh.  It's time to get old and stay inside and wait for death to come."  For some people that time comes entirely too early; I'm talking in their 30's!  We as a western civilization have stopped moving. We have opted for a comfortable and safe life.  But is it really safe?  Nope.  Sitting inside where it is warm and comfortable might keep you from breaking a leg on the ice or getting a concussion if you slip and fall, but it is not going to keep you healthy (emotionally or physically).

I have had this conversation with my other friend Brandon for years!  We talk about this in reference to our parents who are aging.  We talk about this in reference to my own knee and health.  Just like Kurt's friend, some things have been "taken away from me".  I have been told I can no longer do certain things for risk of another concussion or risk of having another knee replacement entirely too early.  And as that list of things grew, I started to feel so old.  I started to feel like I couldn't do anything.  I went from being an ultra marathon runner, roller skater, cyclist, Zumba instructor and dancer to being able to walk, riding in only good weather conditions, skating I'm NOT supposed to do, and Zumba got lost when I hit my head.  I really had to have a good long talk with myself.  I could pout and cry about what I couldn't do.... OR... I could get off my arse and do what I CAN do!!!  And I can celebrate every step I take..whether its dancing or walking.  I don't have to accept a life lived from the couch!  And I won't.  And you shouldn't either!  There is ALWAYS SOMETHING that we can do!

Get out there and  live your life.  You are only given one life, get out there and enjoy it!  Watch the birds.  Find unexpected gifts hanging from trees.  Listen to your intuition when it says, "No go here, instead of there." You might run into a friend who really needs a hug.  Make plans with your friends.. go have tea, beer, a walk, sushi..whatever.. get out there and spend time with them. You have no idea how long you have with them here on this planet.   Encourage your friends to get up and live their lives. Support their dreams.  Cheer them on from the sidelines.  Go on adventures.  Takes risks.  Crank up the  music and dance in your car!  LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!

January 1, 2018 Happy New Year!!!

For a couple of weeks now I have been thinking about the flipping of the calendar page that tells me that we have started a new year.  I have been thinking about how my 2017 played out. I had some amazing moments, that I have already gone over in blog.  There are a few things I would have liked to have gotten done, but over all, my year was pretty amazing.   I have absolutely no complaints.  But what about 2018?  I'm not big on resolutions, but if you have been following my blogs over the years, you might remember that I like to find projects or something to focus on throughout the year.

I was struggling with what kind of goals or ideas I wanted to focus on for 2018.  But I figured that it would all come to me in time. 

On December 29th, Naomi and I went on a little date to the art museum.  While we were downtown, we passed by JUMP (Jack's Urban Meet-up Place).  There was a photo of the giant rubber ducky that floats the rivers around the world.  When we saw it, we both smiled and thought of Nick.  There was some wording on the sign but I didn't really think much about it.  I told myself that I should stop and get a picture of the ducky, but then I told myself "If you stop at every random rubber ducky and took a picture, you would never get anywhere."  And I just kept driving and went on with my day.

On the 30th, I was feeling kind of "off".  But I didn't know the cause.  A friend posted a picture on my facebook wall; it was a set of rubber ducky ear rings being sold on Amazon.  Then I made a phone call to pay a bill and the customer service rep was named Nick.  I just smiled and went about my business.  A couple of hours later, I was doing something else when the name Nick popped up.  Okay.  Then Tracy and I went to the movies to see the new Jumanji movie.  I was feeling even more "off" and unsettled.  I was standing in the concession line when I saw a tall slender young man standing in line with his significant other when his mom came up and said she was going to get seats while they "kids" stood in line.  They looked about the same age as Nick would have been.  His comment to his mom was snarky and reminded me of Nick.  I burst into tears without warning.  Nick had now visited me 5 times in a little over 24 hours.  I thought I had been doing pretty good during the holiday season and Nick hasn't been hanging around alot lately. But there I was... a crying mess in a very public place.  I gathered myself, got my snacks and headed to the theater.

The movie was awesome.  But it wasn't until the end of the movie that I realized Nick was there with us.  The movie has Jack Black in it, and Nick LOVED Jack Black. He was there to watch the movie with us.  But he was there for more than that.  I realized the reason he kept showing up was because I saw him at JUMP and I didn't stop to read the sign and take a picture with it.  He wanted me to go back and take the picture and really let the "lesson" sink in.  I have been thinking about my thoughts for 2018 for weeks now, and there Nick was giving me the answer, and I drove right passed it and was not listening.  So what was the sign he is talking about? What was the message?  How is my year supposed to play out?   Here is is....

There it is.  THINK BIG!  That is Nick's message to me.  That is my motto for the year.  I know this sounds cheesy, but its reality.  I have dreams of things I want to have happen.  And I have allowed life to get in way of some progress.  I have allowed some rejection to keep me down and keep me thinking small.  I have allowed some heart ache to keep me down.  No more.  Time to pick myself back up. My knee has healed.  It's time for me to get out and hike and enjoy the outdoors again!  It's time for me to get back to eating healthy.  It's time for me get on stage and be the best performer I can be. It's time for me to teach some classes (I'm already scheduled to teach in a conference in April).  It's time for me to perform out of state (I already have an Oregon performance scheduled for May).  It's time for me to grow!  It's time for me to THINK BIG!

Once I realized what Nick was trying to tell me, I got on Facebook and ran into 2 messages from group boards that I have not really been participating in.  One was about someone who was making a HUGE leap and thinking HUGE.  Just like Nick was telling me.  But more importantly, there was a message from a young man who has been drawn to wear some women's fashion and felt uncomfortable expressing this desire.  He was afraid of being judged.  And Nick told me to message him and tell him about Nick's run with women's fashion.  I could feel Nick talking through my fingers.  It was a beautiful experience.

So yes.... my 2018 is all about "thinking big".  At first I thought it meant that I would do 2018 miles in 2018 (walking).  But then I realized, that though that is "doable"; its not practical and I don't want to hurt myself.  So... my goal: 2018 miles of MOVEMENT...walking, roller skating, riding my bike, hiking, snowshoeing..... (In case you were wondering what happened today.. I got ONE whole mile in while snowshoeing for 1 1/2 hours.. only 2017 more to go!)  I am getting back on keto tomorrow.  I would like to be down 20# by my birthday so I can jump out of that airplane I keep talking about!  My intention is to put myself out there again this year and submit for burlesque festivals. Think Big!  Put myself out there.  I am performing in Oregon for a friends show in May.  I would also like to perform in other states this year.  I will make some contacts and see what I can drum up!  I have a BIG performance I would like to put together and a HUGE costume to put together.  THINK BIG!  I want to walk a marathon this year.  I"m not sure which one yet, but it's going to happen!  So there you  have it.  I'm sure there is more I want to get done, but those are the ones I am going to put in black and white and on the internet for the world to see. LOL

Today a friend posted this meme......

It pretty  much sums up the way that I feel.  Life is too short.  Think Big.  Get out there and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!

December 17, 2017 Part 2.....A Memory and Anger.....things I should remember...

I have been dealing with a great deal of outrage and anger.  Alot of it was brought on by things I can not talk about in public.  But I don't want to talk about WHY I was angry, but rather what I have learned from this round of anger.

I was in therapy last week when my therapist said that anger is a secondary emotion.  That shocked me.  I thought anger *was* the emotion.  But then again, I used to think jealous *was* the emotion, when in reality it is a secondary emotion.  So if anger is a secondary emotion, what am I REALLY feeling? 

That night, or maybe a day or two later, I can't remember, Tracy and I had a conversation about my outrage and anger.  Earlier in the day, I was in a cashier line with a friend who was having issues with her hubby.  She decided to buy him a soda because he was having a rough day.  I told her she was a better woman than me.  She told me that she doesn't have anger.  She feels angry but when she gets all of the answers, the anger goes away.  She says it does no good to keep that kind of anger inside. I agree with her.  But I have huge anger issues.  And then it dawned on me (at that moment) that my anger issues came, or at least so I thought, when the memories of my rape/sexual abuse came to me.  I had a DID personality that held all of my rage.  She is a 15 year old teenager named Carly who would rather skin people alive than to smile at them.  I thought that is where my anger started and where it came from.  And with my DID flare up recently, this makes sense.  Instead of just processing and letting it go, or instead of pushing it down deep, I now HAVE to feel my anger. 

The best way for me to describe the way I deal with anger is to use a metaphor of an alligator.  An alligator doesn't kill people by chomping them to death.  The stalk their prey and yes they take them into their mouths, but then the gator takes the prey into the water and does a "death roll" until that prey drowns and dies, then they eat their prey.  That is how I deal with anger.  I get hold of the person (or the thought of the person..not the physical person) and I grab hold of them and I drag them into the water and I don't let go until I do all the death rolls it takes until "they" or "the anger" is dead.  Then I can internalize it (eat it) and be done with it.  It sounds horrible and I understand why my anger looks scary to people and why if you are the person who made me angry, you feel unsafe around me. But the reality is, I would NEVER hurt another human being.  I am more likely to hurt myself because the anger eats at me and scares me and sends me into a deep depression because I feel guilty for being so angry at someone. 

Then as I talked to Tracy about all of this, I thought I had it figured out, but then I remembered being extremely angry with his brother's girlfriend back when we were Seniors in high school. My best friend started dating Tracy's brother.  Tracy's mom didn't like me.  And up until then, I was pretty much the "only girl" in the family. Tracy's sister had moved out by then.  But my friend coming into the family made me feel threatened because Tracy's mom loved on her and doted on her and made her feel more loved and secure in the family, all the while not liking me. I felt threatened.  So I got angry and acted out.    Okay.. so that means my anger didn't come with my memories of abuse.  Where did it come from?  What does my anger today have in common with the anger from my teen years?

I remember shortly after I moved into my first apartment, I had a HUGE break down.  All of the memories of childhood abuse had come pouring back to me. Okay, not ALL of them.  The sexual abuse stayed buried for years after this.  But this time was all about the non-sexual physical and emotional abuse.  I got so angry.  I started punching the wall of my apartment.  I was screaming and crying. My anger had NEVER felt like that.  NEVER.  Not even with my friend in my senior year.  It was so scary.  I wanted to kill someone.  I wanted to kill myself.  The pain was so intense.  Tracy stepped in front of me. He stood between me and the wall and told me to hit him so that I would not hurt myself.  That was the first time I came in contact with that side of me.  I thought I had it handled. Then the sex abuse memories came back with DID and an angry teenage personality. 

I worked for years to integrate the personalities that came out with the memories.  My anger was under control.  Then Nick was killed.  The anger came back with a vengeance.  I thought it was just grief.  Then I thought it was just about my hysterectomy mixed with the grief of Nick.  Then I thought it was something else........

But today, I came across a memory on facebook.  This is what it said...

"NeuroPscyh eval came back in...Good news: I am honest with how I feel.  I am not certifiably crazy.  I am a quick learner and make adjustments quickly.  Repetition is a necessity in learning for me.  I still get overwhelmed easily by auditory things, I need to ask people to slow down, take notes, and make adjustments in how I approach things (including school or new jobs..IE:  modify work place and school place stuff).  I am making progress, but even when they release me, I will forever have to keep doing my exercises.  I *am* employable, in the right job with the right modifications.  Stress (any kind of stress) will make my symptoms worse (any and all symptoms) so I need to manage my stress and my emotions. Oh ya..and apparently while I like to find the positive and think positive about everyone around me, I have thin skin, get my feelings hurt easily and can be quick to anger so learning to manage my stress level and emotions are key to my continued recovery and in any job I might take.  And after they release me, if I get a job or start school and find I am experiencing issues, all I need to do is go back to  my occupational therapist with specific  issues, and they will help me find a solution.  So there ya have it..."

In the last month my brain has been overwhelmed.  I went to BurlyCon and fried my brain with amazing things.  I was only home for a couple of days when Tracy and I had a trip planned to Twin to see a friend in a play.  But there was tons of chaos and plans changing regarding this trip.  It was very irritating and made me a bit angry.  We went anyway.  We went to the play.  The play was very stressful.  The lighting made my head go bonkers.  Emotions started to run very very very HIGH.  I got really angry by the first intermission and I about bit everyone's heads off.  I managed to excuse myself each time I felt like that.  But my anger became a reason for that friend to walk away from us.  She said that I made her feel unsafe.  She used this as a reason to walk away from us...instead of giving me time to see my therapist (which was already scheduled).  It is her loss. 

But given all of this information, I realized something.  The ONLY time I get this angry is when women are involved.  Men can do some really stupid shit, and I don't get this mad at them.  But if you are a woman and you cross me, I am liable to take your head off.  Why?  Why do I get this angry at women?

Still talking to Tracy I realized that I have always leaned on men.  I have leaned on men to make me feel secure...But that isn't entirely true.  When I was a kid, I was the one in charge of protecting my little brother from abuse.  I was the one protecting my mom from abuse.  I watched my dad abuse my mom.  He abused me.  I watched him looking longingly after other women, and I felt myself feel jealous because I got insecure because *I* wasn't enough for him to stop looking at other women.  I was in elementary school and I was thinking these thoughts.  This is where my  jealousy starts.  This is where my insecurity starts.  I was never enough for my dad.  Will I ever be enough?  In high school, Tracy's mom would throw girls at him and encourage him to date other girls because I was not good enough for her.   He loved me, but that wasn't enough for her.  She loved my friend more than she loved me.  I have never gotten as mad at men because I look to them to protect me and women shake my sense of security.  So all of my anger goes right to women... every single time.

This is something new I need to work on.  And remember what my TBI specialist say.  Keep my stress levels low.  If a relationship is adding stress to my life, then I need to rectify that in some way.  I need to remember to ask for what I need in order to protect my head from getting out of control and letting anger rage.  It's another step in healing.  Tracy and I have had some big conversations about this, and I'm sure we will be talking to my therapist about it this week.  In the mean time, I am feeling so much lighter.

And on a happier note, I skated at the rollerdrome for the first time since I had a knee replacement and I had so much fun!!! I joined some friends and we all had a great time with our friends and kids.  Skating makes my heart happy.  It also makes Omi's heart happy.