August 7, 2017 What Audition?

Either in my last blog or when I posted it on Facebook, I promised to have a happier blog the next time I wrote.  And I am happy to say, that I am following through with that promise! 

Lots of amazing things have been happening lately. I have had lots to smile about.  I should have written at least 2 or 3 blog posts by now, but I have been busy.  So I will just post this one about a recent audition I participated in.

I have been experiencing a sort of mid-life crisis which has had me depressed.  Even with all of the happy things that have happened, deep down, I have been kind of miserable.  Part of it comes from my baby turning 18 and approaching her senior year in high school.  Part of it comes from being 48 and realizing that I have spent most of my "working life" (and half of my life) being a stay at home mom which means I do not have enough Social Security Credits of my own to have my own Social Security Check.  That is a bit scary.  Then when I think about going to work to collect Social Security, I realize that the traumatic brain injury really does limit what I can do for work.  All of this rolled into one scares the crap out of me.  

When I brought this up to my Facebook friends, one of my friends suggested that I attend Kyle Cease's event in September with her.  I looked him up, and realized he was the same guy I had just watched a video of and thought to myself, "I need to see him."  After discussing it with Tracy, I decided to go ahead and sign up for the event.  Then I decided to buy his book I Hope I screw This Up How Falling In Love with Your Fears Can Change the World.  I started reading and things started falling into place.

While all of this was going on, I kept seeing a Facebook post about auditions for Comedy Sportz Boise.  In the spring, Tracy and I took an 8 week Improve Class.  I struggled the entire 8 weeks.  By the time we were done, I thought, "There is no way in hell I can do that!  My brain does not remember things.  My brain does not work fast enough.  I am just not capable of doing this."  That wasn't going to stop me from taking the next session of classes that starts in September, but I didn't think I was good enough to actually be on the field.  However, that Facebook post kept popping up.  I was already feeling lots of rejection in my personal life and dealing with my depression; the idea of putting myself out there to be rejected in a different form was daunting.  What if I failed. How would I feel?  I know that all of those videos I sent to audition for burlesque festivals hurt every time I got rejected.  Some of them hurt pretty deeply.  How would I feel if I went out for this audition and didn't make it.

I told Tracy that I wanted to do it.  He simply said, "That is fine; but don't get upset if you don't make it."  He was concerned that this would send me off the deep end.  I understood that.  I was afraid of that as well.

However, I kept reading Cease's book about facing my fears, and I kept feeling called to audition.  Here are a couple of passages from his book....

"No matter what circumstances exist in your life, if you take even one step toward the calling of your heart, you'll begin to receive answers that you were blind to before.  You'll grow beyond the problems and challenges that seem so overwhelming and start to see solutions that  have been there the entire time."

"...When we're holding on to the limitations that are familiar and 'safe,' they keep us at the same level of awareness we've always been at.  When we let go of those beliefs, maybe by taking an action that was scary to use before, we're actually entering into an entirely new dimension where we transcend our old challenges and create a whole new set of opportunities for ourselves."

I did exactly with Kyle suggested, I put away all of these old stories about my brain.  I took a step in the forward direction with the intention of going and just playing and having fun.  Yes, it was a bit scary, but it was a step on the positive direction.  I wasn't going to let fear consume and control my actions and live in the "what if" world anymore.

I stood in the opening circle with the 5 other candidates and a few members of the Major League Team of Comedy Sportz Boise.  We were asked, "Are you scared?"  And one of the guys said, "We all should be." All I could think was, "No.  I'm not scared or nervous right now.  I am just here to play."  That statement alone, I thought was funny.  As we went around the circle stating why we were auditioning, I simply said, "I wanted to scare myself."  The fear of rejection was scary.  The actual active of playing was not.  

We started to play the games for the audition.  I started to remember the games I learned in Improv 101.  We played some of those games and it gave me confidence to keep playing.  I found myself jumping up to play, while others sat scared in their seats.  I found myself jumping into the square to tell my pun  jokes, when last spring I couldn't think of one freakin' pun to save my life!  Everything seemed so normal and natural to me.  Nothing felt like a struggle.  Nothing felt scary.  Okay, one thing felt scary. The time commitment felt scary to me.  If I made the team, do I actually have the time to do it?  I decided that if I did make the team, I absolutely had and would make time.  Why?  Because this was for ME.  It's not something I will be doing with anyone else in my family.  This is strictly for me.  It's a way for me to laugh on a weekly basis.  It's a way to make new friends.  It's a way to make others laugh.  And its a way to help my brain heal and help build confidence in my brain again.  So yes, I was doing this for me and I would absolutely make time for it.

The whole audition process was too much fun.  Six complete strangers met on the "field" and played together. We went from strangers to a cohesive team.  It was amazing to watch and be part of such a transformation.  In the entire 8 weeks of Improv 101, I didn't feel that.  Yet in 2 hours, 6 of us bonded and laughed and felt like family.  It was fantastic!  

We were sent outside for the Team Members to deliberate about who was going to make the Minor League Team.  While we were outside, the  6 of us laughed and congratulated each other.  Then we were brought back in.  We sat down.  All of us were nervous.  Who would make it?  As it turned out, for the first time in Boise's history, ALL of us made it!  That has never happened.  I MADE IT!!!  

I was so proud of myself for putting myself out there.  I didnt' think I would make the team.  My past story and history was that I was not any good at improve.  My brain is too slow.  I can't make a pun to save my life.  I don't react fast enough.  But I decided to create a different story.  I decided to go and play and have fun and not worry about what my past story and limiting beliefs are and I took a step in the forward direction.  I transcended my limitations and created a whole new amazing opportunity for myself!

I am so very grateful to my friends and family who support me and encourage me to keep moving forward.  I am grateful for the laughter that is in my life.  And I am so grateful to be part of the Comedy Sportz Minor League Team!!!!  Here's to more laughter in my life!!!

July 20, 2017 Just us adults now.....

I can't believe it has been over a month since I have blogged!  Crazy!

Life has been moving at a pretty epic pace.  I can't explain everything that goes on around here, and honestly, you probably don't want to know.  But there are some pretty impactful things that have happened in the last month.

Though, I took a week off of Keto while I was on vacation, I am back on the wagon now.  Up until I took the week off, I had lost 15# and 19 inches.  My jeans were starting to fall off of me.  While on vacation, I gained back 6#.  I honestly think that is because my tummy doesn't like traveling. Things are getting back to normal with my tummy and I'm back to eating right.  So yay!  Today, I had lunch with a friend who hasn't seen me in a couple of months and he said, "You look like you have lost alot of weight since I have seen you last."  That made my day :).  Though losing weight is not my main goal, it sure is a nice side affect.  I'll take it.

You know, life changes can be pretty huge around here.  I don't usually do change very well.  And I will admit to spilling a great deal of tears over the last several months as I adjust to changes.  With that said, I have also met some pretty awesome new people, and I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for the growth that comes with change (no matter how painful or pleasant).

I think the biggest most significant change this month is that we no longer have "children" living in our home.  Naomi is now an adult.  She turned 18 last week.  She still cuddles with me.  She still kisses me.  She still likes to hang around me.  We still giggle like she is a kid.  But chronologically, she is an adult.  This milestone was hard for a couple of different reasons.  The first being that I no longer have any "babies".  My babies are all grown up.. well sorta.  As a stay-at-home-mom this is a shift for me.  Do I go into retirement?  Doubtful.  She is still a senior in high school, and she still needs her mom.  All of my kids still need their mom at some point (even the bonus kids).  I will always be needed; I guess that is a good thing.  But the biggest bump in the road with this milestone was the fact that Nick was not here to celebrate it with her.

Naomi was dreading turning 18.  Just like the rest of us, she does not look forward to big life milestones anymore.  Or at least, some of the excitement has been taken away because we realize that Nick will not be able to celebrate them with us.  They remind us that part of our hearts is missing.  Naomi was really not looking forward to turning 18 without Nick.  With that in mind, we did the best thing we could do which was surround her with great concerts and family.  On the 12th we saw Matisyahu here in Boise.  Then we got in the car and drove all night long to Denver so she could see Jack Johnson in concert.  I watched her closely on the day of her actual birthday (the Jack Johnson concert).  I watched her mood.  I gave her lots of hugs.  And made sure Nate was around her as much as possible.  I watched as she laid back in the grass as she enjoyed Jack's music.  I watched her bathe in the music and the lyrics.  And truthfully, I cried while no one was looking.  She was not feeling well at all that day.  She was in a great deal of pain from the tummy issues she has been dealing with since February. I honestly thought for a moment I was going to have to rush her off to the hospital.  Instead, she just laid back in the grass and relaxed into the experience.  And I closed my eyes and listened and enjoyed the beautiful evening with my family.. always with a piece of my heart missing.

After the concert, while we were on our way to drop Naomi off at her Aunt and Uncles, I asked her if she had a good birthday.  She said, it was the most epic way to turn 18.  This made me feel better.  Though, to this day, I feel bad because she didn't have a birthday cake for her birthday.

We spent the next couple of days with Trey and Misty (Tracy's brother and sister in law) and their 5 kids.  We did the Denver Zoo, went shopping at a mall, played dominoes, went to Elitch Gardens to play in the water and ride roller coasters and even made a trip to Pikes Peak in Colorado Springs.  It was a very busy vacation.  We really enjoyed ourselves, even if some of us almost died on what we now call "The Swings of Death" at Elich Gardens. It is a brand new ride at the park.  They are much like your typical fair swings that go around in circles; only this one goes up 17 stories or so.  They actual name of the ride is Star Flyer.  Eight of the eleven of us decided to ride this ride.  That included my 8 year old niece, Jessica (Nate's girlfriend), and Misty (my sister in law) who are all afraid of heights.  To be fair, Naomi and I are too, and we were on the ride as well.  However, Naomi and I experience our fears in different ways and on different rides.  Anyway, before the ride took off, they made an announcement that no cell phones were allowed to be out during the ride.  If they saw someone take their cell phone out, they would stop the ride and bring us down.  I get it.  It's a safety issue.  If a cell phone should drop from that rotating swing at that height and it hit someone, it could have killed someone.  Sure enough, someone supposedly took out a cell phone.  The operator stopped the ride and started to bring us down.  But the ride malfunctioned and did a bit of a "drop" before catching itself.  It was enough to scare the crap out of us.  And then we were stuck up in the air several stories above the ground with nothing much holding us in for safety.  Theresa, my 8 year old niece started crying. Misty, my sister in law who was sitting with me started yelling at the operator (who kept repeating the same stupid ass comment, berating the collective "us" for having a cell phone out and how its "our" fault the ride malfunctioned and we are waiting on maintenance to get us down).  Jessica had her face buried in Nate's shoulder. It was a very tense 10 minutes.  And it pretty much ruined the day for those of us who are scared of rides.

Interestingly enough, I have been facing a great many of my fears in the last several months.  I guess vacation wanted me to face more of them.  *sigh*  I tried to ride a few more rides after "swings of death" but my heart wasn't in it.  I found myself terrified of a roller coaster ride that had me upside down.  I was scared that the harness that was holding me would malfunction and I would fall to my death.  (I have never had that fear before.. )  I also found my head getting bounced around on some of these rides and giving me a headache.  I really need a helmet for roller coasters!  I decided to do the responsible thing and stop riding rides.

Then there was the drive to Colorado Springs.  The last time we went to Colorado Springs, Nick was in 6th grade.  I was trying to get pregnant with Naomi.  So it was just the 2 boys at the time.  We made a trip to the Air Force Academy because Nick really wanted to go there.  We took a tour and visited with some people there.  It was a great trip that year.  But this year as we drove past the Air Force Academy, I felt tears well up in my eyes.  Nick didn't end up going there, but that didn't stop the memory of him on that trip so many years ago.  It didn't stop me from remembering how in awe he was and how big he dreamt.  Yes, I cried.  And again, no one noticed.  (That is okay).  We continued on the high way to pick up my mom from my Aunt's house where she had been visiting.  After stopping to visit with my Aunt for a bit, we piled everyone in the truck and headed to meet Trey, Misty and the kids to head up to Pike's Peak.  Again, the last time we went to Pike's Peak, Nick was with us.  Instead of taking the train this time, we decided to drive up the road.  It's a crazy road with steep cliff drop off without any rails to protect you from falling off.  They have done car races on that road since 1916.  Because that road is used for a race track, Nate was very keen on driving up that road.  Tracy let Nate drive.  I sat in the back seat, and I felt the fear welling up in my chest.  There were times when all I could see was a road that lead up, curved, and all I saw was sky after the curve.  I was terrified.  I was petrified.  When we stopped to walk around and take pictures, I asked Tracy to finish the last half mile up the road. I was so scared I was shaking.  It's not that Nate was a bad driver.  He was being very safe.  But all of a sudden, this fear was taking over.  (Like I said, the last several months have me feeling lots of fear.)

Finally we reached the summit and got out of the car.  We were at a little over 14,000 feet in elevation.  I really could have used some oxygen. It was hard to walk around and explore, but I did it.  Poor Tracy spent most of his time sitting in the snack shop.  It was too difficult for him to breathe.  My mom walked for a tiny bit, but then spent the rest of the time sitting in the car.  Nate insisted on hiking beyond places that made me terrified that he would fall off the mountain.  (Whether that fear was founded on reality or not is pointless; I was just terrified. I don't want to lose another child.)  We spent a good deal of time up there taking pictures and enjoying the scenery. It is very beautiful up there. The drive down was easy and included a nice thunder, lightning, rain storm.

Vacation was nice, but I spent a great deal of time missing Nick.  He did show up in places.  There was a guy in a rubber ducky shirt at Elich Gardens.  We found a rubber ducky at Pikes Peak that was bought and brought back home.  Nick is never far away from us, and I'm grateful for his presence in any way I can get it.  But boy do I miss his hugs, and his voice.  I really wish he could have been there for Naomi's 18th birthday.  I wish she could have gotten that birthday call from him.  Our family dynamics have changed, as most of you know.  We didn't just lose Nick.  We also lost a daughter in law as she moved on with her life.  And Naomi felt that as well.  Naomi got the generic "happy orbit day" message on her facebook from her, but that was it.  That's all any of us get these days.. except for Tracy who sees her occasionally for lunch.   Special days like birthdays are just very hard.  It makes the changes in our life felt so much deeper.

Now that we are home from vacation, I am feeling some pretty deep grief.  I guess its to be expected. Not only is there grief.  But there is the "let down" from returning from vacation.  It's coming back to normal life, which has been wrought with other kinds of changes and every day struggles and worries.  Re-entry into normal every day life has been a bit difficult on me.  It's a temporary thing, I know this.  I know to let myself feel and heal as needed, so I will.  I am grateful that I no longer turn to food to comfort me... well not really anyway. I am grateful that I can and do make better choices.  I am grateful for friends that support me.  I am grateful for a husband who loves me.  I am grateful for kids who make me laugh.  And I'm really grateful that in 2 days I get to hug my grand baby and celebrate his 1st birthday!

Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, but boy do I love it when it is!!!!  Here's to more sunshine in my life!

June 8, 2017 All She Wanted Was To Be Seen

So the last month or so has been a huge growth experience on so many levels.  Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, I had an "ah-ha moment".  It went something like this........

As a childhood sexual abuse survivor all I wanted to do was become invisible to my predators and be seen by everyone else out there.  I could not tell anyone what happened to be because I was being threatened with more violence.  But if I could just be seen, then maybe someone would see I needed help.  So what was the logical answer to get both results?

I ate.  I ate to get fat.  If I got fat, then my predators wouldn't want me (making me invisible to them) and I will also be seen, because who can miss a fat person walking around?  They would see me being fat and see I was struggling with something and try to help me.

The thing is, I didn't need other people to see me.  I needed ME to see me.  I needed ME to see that I am beautiful, worthy, strong, independent, fierce, and a force to be reckoned with.  The minute I began to see me for who I was, the switch flipped and I was able to start taking care of myself physically. I was able to drop diet cokes and carbs without any struggle whatsoever.  The minute I saw myself in the mirror and felt love for every inch of my naked body and appreciated my body and my SELF for who and what I am, the pounds and inches started dropping.

It's been a week since I started the ketogenic diet and started drinking Pruvit's Keto OS.  I am down 5# and 9 1/4" (measured from various places on my body).   I started this way of eating in order to decrease the inflammation in my body and to help my brain heal.  The weight and inches loss are nice bonuses.

There are great things happening in my life. They don't come without tears and struggle, but I am so grateful for this opportunity to grow and heal.  It is making every part of my life so much better!

May 17, 2017 Introspection... An Opportunity For Growth

In the last month or so I have had the occasion to really take a deep look in the mirror.  Sometimes you don't ever get the opportunity to do this, so when you do, you really should take it and be open to the lessons, no matter how painful.  And when I say painful, I mean "want to go to sleep and never wake up" kind of painful.  Seriously not fun, but the lessons gleaned are powerful. And hopefully, I can use this knowledge to grow and overcome some stuff.

It's no secret that Tracy and I have been together for FOREVER.  We have been together since we were 14 years old.  If you are close enough to know our story, you know that there have been lots of ups and downs in 34 years.  But I have realized in the last  month, that this started way before Tracy and I started dating.

When I was a young girl, I experienced a great deal of jealousy.  I'm not talking jealousy over a romantic relationship (remember I said I was young).  Even as I typed that, yes, I suppose you might consider it about a romantic relationship, as sick as that sounds.  What I have learned in the last several months is that jealousy is a secondary emotion that is kicked off by some other fear.  The fear that triggers my jealousy is a fear of abandonment.  You might wonder, "Martha, your parents were married till your dad died in 2007, and you have been with the same man since you were 14 years old, what in the hell gives you a fear of abandonment?"  Well here is the answer....

I was raped and molested by my dad from the age of 4/5 until my first menses.  Soon after that, my dad took jobs out of town for the remainder of my growing up years.   Not only did that  happen, but I also saw him rape my mom on several  occasions.  And on several more occasions, my dad would look at hard core porn magazines while I was in the car with him. When my mom started returning, he would hide it under the seat and tell me, "Don't you dare tell your mom what I was looking at."    I also used to go with him to the university library and watched him as he "ogled" after the pretty women that walked by. I remember have a very distinct sense of anger and jealousy. "How dare he look at other women that way!  Was he planning on leaving my mom?  Was he planning on leaving me?  And what about my relationship with him?"  Yes, that is the sick part.  What was I doing wrong? Why did he need those things?  (Honestly, this is the FIRST time I have ever put these two together.. just as I typed this.  This is as raw as it gets folks.)  So there is where it started..... and it continued.

My dad was obviously not the poster boy for father of the year.  So, I had my big brother Mark.  I had 2 older brothers; Matt was 10 years older than me and Mark was 6 years older than me. Mark used to walk me to school when I was in kindergarten and he was in 6th grade.  He watched out for me.  Matt was 10 years older than me and didn't have much to do with me when I was little.  But Mark was right there taking care of me.  Then he was in charge of driving me to guitar lessons and stuff.  Mark became my dad figure.  I loved him like a dad figure.  And the day he went off to the Navy I about lost it.  I was so happy when he came home to visit.  I was ecstatic when he sent me little gifts from his ports of call.  My world revolved around him.  Everything he was, I wanted in a father.  When he started smoking, I cried.  I thought he was killing himself and I wanted him to stop cause I needed him around.  Then, when he decided to marry his wife, I was PISSED.  I hated her.  He no longer came home to visit me; he came home to visit her.  He no longer sent me gifts from his ports of call; the gifts and thoughts were to her (as they rightly should have been).  But I was PISSED.  I felt like I was losing my brother.  I felt like he was abandoning me again.  Not only that, but my mom, whom I had spent my entire life "protecting as best I could from my father" was now doting all over my brother's soon to be wife.  I felt like I was getting shoved aside.  I was being abandoned by my own mom for someone else.  I was 14 or 15 by the time this wedding was happening.  Tracy was already in my life.  And by that time, even though we were seriously dating and saying, "I love you", his mom was still encouraging him to date girls from his church.  So yes, he cheated on me while we were in high school.  What else is a boy supposed to do when his mom doesn't like the girl he has chosen and she keeps throwing girls she approves of at him?  When your mom says its okay to cheat on your girlfriend, it  must be, right, right?  

This jealousy and fear of abandonment was not reserved to romantic or familial relationships.  It spread to my best friends.  I was insanely jealous when they found a new friend to hang out with and I was being left behind.  It seriously felt like everyone I ever loved was leaving me or finding someone newer and shinier to play with.  So yes.. this is where my jealousy and fear of abandonment came from.  I needed people in my life.  I needed good people in my life.  I needed to feel like I belonged to someone and they would not leave me.  Even my roller skating instructor that I had a huge crush on stopped being an instructor for his girlfriend.  Everyone was leaving me, and no one was protecting me.  (Which is my other huge issue that is coming up recently.)

I realized last week that one of the reasons I got mad at Tracy is because I felt like he is not protecting me.  I had this realization a few months back, but it hit home again in the last couple of weeks.  Maybe it is not his job to protect me, but ever since he came into my life, he has been my protector.  He is the one who has protected me from very physical fights with my little brother.  He is the one who protected me from his own mom's rage.  He is the one who has protected me from my own fits of anger where I hit walls as I tried to deal with memories of abuse.  He is the one who kept me safe when my dissociative identity disorder kicked in and I was physically unable to protect myself when my 5 year old identity took over.  He is the one who saved me during multiple suicide attempts as a teenager.  He has been my protector since I was 14 years old.   Maybe that is co-dependency.  I don't know.  But realizing this is huge for me.  How do I change it?  Well I guess that is for me and my therapist to figure out.  Thankfully I am back in therapy.

But how does that affect my life and my relationship with Tracy now?  Jealousy comes from my fear of abandonment.  Needing to feel protected comes from my fear of insecurity and being helpless.  When things go wrong with women in our lives (regardless of the relationship) and Tracy is involved, the fear of abandonment kicks in big time.  It may not happen right away.  It may never happen at all.  But usually, it only happens, when I feel as though my security is being threatened in some way.  When I feel I am no longer being protected.  When I feel like Tracy is trying to play mediator instead of firmly standing on my side.  Then I feel as though I am not being protected.  Then I start feeling a sense of abandonment.  Then lack of trust kicks in. Then jealousy kicks in.   Usually, if this  happens with another female (no matter what the relationship is), I turn on the other woman.  Tracy gets "a pass".  I may be angry with him for a day or so, but I will completely turn on the other woman.  I will completely go from loving her to hating her and not wanting her anywhere in my life.  Why?  Because it is easier to hate her and push her out of my life, than it is to hold my husband accountable for things that might have hurt me.  Why?  Because I live with him. I share a life with him.  Because when it comes down to it, disagreeing with him and fighting with him kicks in that sense of fear from insecurity, from feeling unprotected, from feeling like he will abandon me.  All of those things kick in and makes me feel crazy.  I feel even less protected.  So it is easier for me to put ALL of the blame on the other woman (whatever the relationship) than it is for me to hold Tracy accountable for his part in the situation.  Holding him accountable for his part scares me.  I am afraid he would leave me.. or hurt me (even though there is not a violent bone in his body and he is not abusive in any way shape or form).  These are strictly fears drilled into me by my father.

These are HUGE a-ha moments.  These are very vulnerable truths.  These are very raw.  Even Tracy hasn't heard these things yet.  But I needed to blog about them now.  It's a good thing I'm in therapy.

I share this for those of you who have been at the other end of my rage.  I share this for those of you who have your own insecurities..maybe this will ring a bell for you in some way. Maybe it will inspire others to take a look at their fears and reach out for help.  Maybe it help help someone with anxiety.  Maybe it will help those of you who are just getting to know me and see a darker side of me that you are uncertain of.  Maybe it will help those of you who know the happier side of me and have seen the darker side come out and not understand where its coming from.  Well now you have it.  And maybe with this realization, I can really start to work on some more healing.  Thanks for your patience  and for holding space for me :).

April 30, 2017 The Story Behind Dead Trees

There was once a tree standing tall and green in a beautiful valley giving shade to all the living things.  It stood tall and proud soaking up the sun and drinking up the rain. It gave what it took in perfect balance for all living creatures that visited it's patch of earth.  It was a life of service.. to provide shade, food, rest, home, fresh air and beauty.  Life was peaceful and blessed.

Then it happened.  A fire, a flood, insects or disease.  Whatever it was, the existence the tree knew changed.  From living to dead.  Gone is the shade. Barren is the tree.  It stands naked, blackened.  A skeleton of what it once was.  Yet it's spirit still is still there.  Peacefully it stands, erect and graceful.  No glimmering green leaves to distract from its austere beauty.  Naked in it's natural state.  Still providing value even in its death.  What can a dead tree give?  Take a look.  It is still present.  It teaches us a lesson that we can still stand and exist even in death.  There is still strength in the presence of change and grief.  There is still beauty and grace in the aftermath of pain.  There is no end, only change and how we perceive this change and react to this change is up to us.  We can look at this tree and see something ugly, or we can look at this tree and see the beauty and feel its presence even in death.

April 28, 2017 How do you "Self-Care"?

No!  I'm not talking about THAT kind of self-care.  I'm talking about tending to your emotional well being.

As a child growing up in a concrete jungle, I learned that the best way to unwind from an emotional landslide was to put my feet to the pavement or go on long bike rides.  I started walking long, unattended walks (5 or more miles) in elementary school.  My bike rides were all over the place, but I did have one rule.  I could not go under the expressway (which was just under 2 miles away), but I could go anywhere, North, South or West without any limitations.  And I did just that, all of the time. Physical activity was my emotional outlet.

I belong to a board on facebook that talks about Self-Care.  Someone suggested that  maybe some of our "self-care" techniques were about avoidance rather than really taking care of ourselves emotionally.  I can see where some of the time, my running away from something (especially when I'm really upset) can be seen and felt as avoidance.  But inevitably, I calm down and settle in and my mind comes to some kind of peace or learns some kind of lesson.  As a child, I was not so self-aware to understand the lessons that might be coming at me.  But as an adult with some wisdom under my belt, I am pretty open to listening to my intuition and being open to metaphors in life.

This week has been a very emotional week for me.  There have been lots of "little black bags" for me to open and dig through and explore.  It has been difficult.  I am so grateful that Tracy gave me my birthday present (my bike) early and I have been able to get on the bike and ride.  The other day, I took my bike to the greenbelt to ride.  I needed a bit of self-care, but really, I wanted to just get on my bike and feel freedom.  I wanted to see the Boise River Flooding and I wanted to just be out in the beautiful nature that surrounds me.  It is so different than the concrete jungle I grew up in.  The rain finally let up that morning and I took my bike to the greenbelt.

Time after time I came across signs and blockades that said "path closed" or "detour" or "caution".  The Boise River was flooding and taking out paths. But I wanted to SEE it for myself.  So I went beyond the cautions signs.  And yes, sometimes I was very cautious because I could see where the greenbelt had broken off into the river, and it is a possibility that it could continue doing so as I walked across it.  But I saw the warning signs and I kept going.  I'm glad I did.  I was able to go for about a mile or so before I came across fast and deep (ish) looking water going across the path.  I decided that I was not stupid, and I turned around and went back the other direction.  Again, I carefully rode by that broken part of the path and I made it safely.

Sometimes I could see just beyond the sign that the water was too much and I really can't get beyond the signs.  But then there were other times, where I could not see the immediate danger.

That is where the real lesson comes in.........

So I came across a blockade.  It said, "Path closed".  Presumably, it was closed because of flooding over the path.  But I could not see any water.  So with caution, I proceeded.  Interestingly enough, I arrived at the other end of this blockade and it, too, had a sign that said, "Path Closed".    But I had just gone from point A to point B with absolutely no issues whatsoever.  It is clear and safe now.  What happened?  Well, at some point, that part of the path had been flooded and dangerous, and the park's crew wanted to keep us safe so they put up signs to tell us it's closed and not go any further.  Then, the conditions changed.  The water dried up.  It's safe again.  But those warning signs are still there.  Those "path closed" signs could have had me turning away.. stopping in my tracks.. giving up and going back the way I came.. or just finding a different way around.

That is just like life.  Sometimes, something "bad" comes along and hurts us.  In order to protect ourselves, we put up little blockades that say, "Caution, going beyond this could be harmful and painful.  Maybe you should turn away or find a different way around."  Sometimes those signs are very valid and on point.  And sometimes those signs are just "out dated" and need to be questioned.  Sometimes you need to come up to that sign, read it, feel the caution and keep moving through it.  While you are moving through it, you have a choice... you can stay guarded and always on edge (which is emotionally draining and causes unneeded drama) or you can enjoy the safe journey and the beauty that surrounds you and just deal with any issues that come up WHEN they appear.. not before.. because as I found on my bike ride, that danger just might not be there anymore; the caution signs just haven't been removed yet.

April 23, 2017 These Small Hours...

Have you ever spent some time with your child(ren) and thought, I want to remember this moment forever.  It may be a huge moment like getting a drivers license, or it  might be something really small or unexpected, but it tugged at your heart.  What do you do to make sure you remember those times?   I used to think I would remember all of it forever.  I could never understand when I asked my mom "How old was I when I learned to walk?" and mom would answer, "I don't remember".  She had 4 kids.  As a mom of more than one child, I now understand why she might not remember.  In my own life, with the brain damage that killed my memory and the loss of Nick have shown me the importance of snapping pictures and blogging the important things.  They don't have to be "huge" but they are significant (even if in a small way).  This is why I blog today.

Yesterday was Naomi's first prom.  She is a junior this year.  She had been looking forward to this day for a very long time.  A friend of our's gave us a dress she wore back in high school.  She was just going to donate it, but I told her Naomi would LOVE it.  It was Naomi's favorite color when it comes to formal dresses, and it was her size.  So yay!  About a month ago, Naomi and I went shopping for the right shoes for the dress.  The only thing left was the hair.

I remember going to school dances as a kid.  Most of the time, it was a matter of going to a salon to get an "up do".  However, Naomi has asked me to help her with her hair.  I am not a hair stylist.  But somehow, over the years, Naomi and I have created this relationship that allows for us to come to each other for hair and make up help.  We are good about helping each other pick out clothes.  We make a good team in that department.  So last night I had the privilege of helping my daughter with her hair.  I did not take this for granted.

Sometimes as a parent we need to create times for special one on one interactions with our children and sometimes those events can feel contrived.  But last night, Naomi and I were just two women in a bathroom using a curling iron and visiting.  Naomi has seriously long and thick hair.  Curling hair takes a bunch of hair spray, patience and time.  So there we were for an hour doing nothing but curling her hair and chatting.  In those small moments, big things were talked about.  "I can't believe I am going to my first prom."  "I can't believe I will be a senior next year."  "I can't believe I will be 18 in a few months; I'm not ready."  Those are small sentences with big and deep meaning for her, as well as for myself.  She is my baby.  My little girl is growing up.  She isn't so little anymore.  She is a remarkable young woman who is intelligent, compassionate, empathetic, talented, graceful, logical and passionate.  She has a smart mouth and a quick wit.  She is a loyal friend.  She is feisty and funny.  And I am so proud of her.  And I am so grateful for these small moments in the mirror of life.

Forever Red Banquet 2010(ish)

Freshman Homecoming 2014

Junior Prom 2017

Junior Prom 2017

Nate's only prom was his senior year.  He wasn't planning on going.  But a girl he had been dating (but wasn't dating at the time) basically told him that he was taking her to his prom.  And he went.  LOL.  We rented the tux and he looked amazing.  I suppose he had a good time, even if it was under duress.  But the small moments I remember with Nate, when it comes to school, are all the nights we stayed up late doing home work.  He had such a difficult time just before we moved here to Idaho.  He was in 4th grade and just moved to a different school.  He would come home from school, rest for an hour and then hit the books.  He literally did homework from about 4 or 5 till after 10pm.  In that time frame, there was much crying!  He would get so behind, I would keep him home from school just to get caught up.  It was a horrible cycle and the teacher blamed it on him.  I asked her to not give so much homework, and she said that my son was holding back the class.  It was horrible.  Then when we moved to Idaho in the middle of that year, I asked them to keep an eye on him and let me know what they thought.  I really thought he had some kind of issue.  Indeed he did.  I had been asking since kindergarten to get him tested (and I was completely clueless about testing.. I didn't know I could get him tested on my own.  Of course, it didn't help that each year the teachers said he was fine.)  Anyway, moving here was huge!  We got him tested.  Found out what his challenges were and got him the help he needed.  School continued to be a struggle for him.  But as he got older, and after graduation, he started to find his strengths in life.  He is such an amazing human being.  He is creative.  He is a great people person.  He can sell sand to a thirsty desert dweller.  And he is one of the most compassionate and patient people you will meet (yes he also has a crazy temper....comes by it honestly).  In high school he volunteered with the adaptive ski school at Bogus Basin and he taught a woman who was paralyzed on one side of her body to snowboard.  He spent weeks teaching autistic kids to snowboard.  He is phenomenal at connecting with people.  It's the not so quiet moments on a ski hill that I will cherish for my life time. I am so grateful to have pictures of him doing crazy stunts.

Snowboarding Tamarack 2010(ish)

Bogus Basin Beach Party 2009(ish)

Senior Prom

I will also remember the day he broke his thumb and I totally laughed at him. I am notorious for laughing at inappropriate times.  It's a nervous habit.  We had gone on a bike ride on the greenbelt.  We found a BMX track and he decided to do a couple of runs.  He crashed and broke his thumb or wrist or something.  He was going into shock.  At the time, I didn't know the greenbelt well enough to know where we were.  I just knew where we had dropped our car off and it was  few miles away.  I managed to keep him  moving and keep him talking through the tears and the pain long enough to get him to the car.  It was scary and adventurous all at the same time.  These are the things that Nate lives for.  He is one crazy kid.  To this day he still does stuff and is constantly getting himself hurt.  He has no fear.    And yes there are pictures and even video of that.  There is proof that I laughed at the moment of his crash (before I knew he had really hurt himself.)

One other very precious memory of Nate I have was hiking with him when he was 3 or 4 years old.  We lived in Arizona, and one of my favorite places to hike was the Superstition Mountains. Nate and I had decided to go hiking. It was a chilly morning.  He had this little tiny teddy bear he carried EVERYWHERE, including that hike.  It was spring so there were wildflowers out in the desert.  He sat down in the midst of the flowers with his knees up and his his little teddy bear.  I took a picture of him.  His blond hair.  His freckles.  His red flannel jacket.  So precious.  It is one of my favorite memories with him.  I have that photo somewhere.  It was long before digital cameras.

One of the sweetest "small hours" I have of Nick was the day that I drove he and Suzy to college tour at ISU.  They had decided they wanted to go to ISU.  I wasn't thrilled with the choice, but I understood it.  When the date came for them to take that tour, we woke up long before the sun did and we made the 3 hour drive to Pocatello.  The tour was enlightening.  The kids were excited.  It was a good day.  But on the way home, the two of them fell asleep and I was trying my hardest to stay awake.  And the song "Little Wonders" came on the radio and I cried.  My oldest was about ready to go off to college.  He was just a few weeks from graduating from high school. All of that hard work and worry of getting him through school was coming to an end.  He was happy.  He had put us through the wringer, but he was well adjusted and ready to be an adult on his own.  As they slept, I cried.

I guess since I already talked about Nate and Omi's prom dates, I should also talk about Nick.  He was a colorful child.  He was certainly a non-conformist.  For his Freshman Farewell Dance, he wore a kilt.  We rented one from a store that is no longer in business.  He looked amazing.  For he and Suzy's sophomore homecoming, they wore matching black sarongs.  Finally, his Senior year, he decided to wear an actual tux, but with no bow tie, just the fancy buttoned up collar.  Tracy and I actually chaperoned that dance.  It was so much fun!

Sophomore Homecoming 2005

Senior Prom 2007

As a family, we have spent so much time hiking, snowboarding, camping.  We love being outside.  And I have so many pictures.  I wish we had had digital cameras back when the boys were little.  And I wish the digital images I have now were better organized.  But I'm so glad I have them.

Walking around Kathrine Albertson's Park 2003

There are so many moments we share with our children.  Since Nick's death, I have vowed never to squander those moments.  Each moment counts.  Each day counts.  Each hug counts.  I listen to more music with Nate.  I dance with Naomi.  We play board games.  We climb ropes.  We go on bike rides.  I watch Nate as he speeds down a grassy hill on his mountain board.  We laugh together.  We sit around a camp fire playing Bop It.  No day is taken for granted.  They are not always perfect.  Lord knows, I'm not perfect.  We all have our issues and times when we need our space or when we are not so happy with someone in the family.  But even in THOSE moments, there are things to remember and love to be shared.

And this is why I blog..... to remember.....