April 13, 2017 Show Me Your Brave

One of my dance mentors and dear friend has a day job as the volunteer coordinator at Family Advocates, and she invited me to a free luncheon where I was going to get to hear stories from people who have worked with this amazing organization.  I really had no clue what I was suppose to expect, but I have always heard amazing things about this organization from the other women I have volunteered with through the Junior League of Boise.  When I walked into the conference area of the Riverside Hotel, I was shocked by the sheer number of people who were there.  There were at least 40 tables filled with 8 people each, 2 big screens to watch the video on, and a nice size stage.  I looked around and sure enough, I could spot at least 10 people I knew from my different social circles (and that did not include my friend who invited me).

As we sat down and the speakers began to speak, it didn't take long for my tears to start flowing.  Why?  Well, one, because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I cry at EVERYTHING.  But the other reason is because I could have been one of those kids in need of help.  Their story was mine, only I didn't get shuttled off to foster care.  I didn't know of a place that would help me as a teenage mom become self-reliant.  Though, I did know how to care for a baby because I had years of baby sitting experience.  Still.  I didn't have those services, and I certainly could have used them.  No one taught me how to break the cycle of abuse; I did it on my own.  I didn't have a support group.  I could have used one.  And here I was in a room filled with people who support just that!  My heart was so filled with gratitude for all of those people who want to help make life better for these at-risk children and their parents.

Listening to the stories reminded me of mine.  I realize I have 3 siblings and a mom and NONE of us see the way our house was through the same eyes. None of us agree on the amount of abuse that happened in the house.  We all have our individual stories.  I just happen to be the loudest and most vocal about it.  Why?  Because I want people to know there is life beyond abuse.  I want people to know you CAN break that cycle of abuse. My dad abused me in horrible ways. He abused my mom in horrible ways.  He abused my brothers in horrible ways. My friends witnessed this.  I'm not just making this stuff up.

I didn't start to realize the extent of my abuse until I was removed from the abusive home and my unconscious felt safe enough to let it's guard down and start to feel.  I am blessed that my boyfriend (now husband) didn't run for his life from the crazy person I had become in that time frame (and for at least 13 years after that). When I was 19, just 2 weeks away from our planned wedding, that I was pregnant, I broke down in tears.  I cried because I was afraid I would be just like my dad who was just like his dad, who was most likely just like HIS dad.  Abuse ran in the family.  Physical, emotional, sexual abuse, ALL of it ran in the family.  I was the recipient to ALL of it.  I won't go into the details here (though I am an open book, and if you want details, if you think hearing my story in depth will help you get through something you are going through, I will be more than happy to share my whole story with you.  I believe that is why I went through this in the first place.)  When I found out I was pregnant, I swore to myself and to my unborn child that life would be different.  I would never raise a hand to my child.  I would love him and support him and protect him at all costs.  He would not know the anguish I knew.  And yes, I broke that cycle of abuse.   Not only did I break that cycle, but I found a way to live my life happy.  I found a way to heal from PTSD.  I found a way to heal from Dissociative Identity Disorder (that was a result of the abuse).  I found a way to be a pretty darn good parent and raise some pretty amazing human beings.  I am grateful to have the husband that I do; I could not have done this without his amazing love, support, encouragement, patience, and empathy.  He is truly amazing.

So yes, I went to this luncheon today not knowing what it was about.  But I also knew that I was being called to volunteer.  What that volunteering will look like, has yet to be determined.  But I KNOW this is where I belong.  This is my calling.  I believe that we choose our parents before we are conceived.  I believe that I chose the parents I had to learn the lessons I needed to learn..which include some really horrific abuse.  I learned to love myself.  I learned forgiveness.  I learned empathy. I learned compassion.  I learned intuition.  I learned the meaning of true love and true joy and true bliss, because without having experienced the opposite, I would never truly know those that I have listed.  As hard as my youth sounds, I look at it as a blessing.  I am able to use what I have gone through to help support others who go through it now...or have gone through it in the past.

Joy is my birthright.  Love is my calling.  Compassion is my action.   In an effort to share some of my story with you, I will copy and paste a story I wrote years ago called "Legacy of Happy Hands".

Have you ever looked at a person's hands? A woman might have long slender fingers with well kept nails; or maybe she is a gardener with short nails and rough hands. A man's hands are rough from working with tools and lumber or playing sports; maybe they are soft from desk work. A handshake can tell you about a person's attitude. A good, firm handshake leaves you with a positive attitude about the person, but a soft, limp handshake leaves you feeling like they are wishy-washy. Hands can tell you alot about a person and their attitude. You touch with hands. A blind person sees with them.

As adults, we warn children that a harsh touch is bad and they should tell someone. A soft, loving touch is good. When I remember my childhood, I don't remember hearing that warning, but I do remember my mothers and father's hands. My father (who is a very large man) has thick, fat hands and since he didn't lift a finger to do anything around the house, his hands were as soft as rose pedals. My mother's hands were slim, long, with beautiful nails; although sometimes her nails were uneven because she did alot of gardening and yard work. Her hands were rough and callused from the yard work and they were steady and sure for her needle work.

As a child, it is hard to imagine how one's parents' hands could hurt them, but in my childhood, it was rare for these hands that I described to touch me in a way that was warm and loving. These hands were strong, harsh, and quick to raise. Sometimes they were smooth, slimy, and sneaky while touching me in places they should not have been.

For the most part, I saw these hands strike the faces of my brothers, or grasp the belt that was used to "punish" us. Sometimes those hands would grab my hair and pull and shake while in my ears loud voices screamed.

As terrible as all of this seems, I do have a warm memory of my mother's hands. Maybe it was because I was the only girl, but my Mother and I were close in-spite of the harsh touches. I remember walking for miles talking and holding hands with my mother. My hand always seemed so small and innocent while being held in her strong, warm touch. Maybe it was because we had both been violated by the stronger, harsher touch of my father, but either way, she and I would walk for hours hand in hand.

When I became a teenager, I looked at my boyfriends hands. They were large, strong, and rough from honest, hard work. When they touched me, they were filled with gentleness and love. When I cried those hands held and comforted me, and reassured me that all will be alright. Now that we are older and my hand has been joined with his, we have been given 3 pairs of little hands to nourish and love. It is up to us to show them what a soft touch feels like. They will never know the sting of our hands against their face or the ickiness of a misplaced, slimy touch. Instead, they will feel the security of their tiny hands sheltered in the strength of ours. And they will grow up to have the hands of honorable, trustworthy, and loving adults that will one day pass on the legacy of happy hands.
The End.



With that said, if you are feeling so inclined, please check out Family Advocates to make a donation to help the children of Idaho or to check out their volunteer information.  Any amount of money or time can make a difference.  Together, we can change the story from abuse to love!

Thanks for reading!

April 12, 2017 The Mountains Are Calling And I Must Go.....

That quote by John Muir really should be next tattoo.

I grew up in a cement jungle (Richardson, Texas.. a suburb of Dallas).  I used to say that I was allergic to the country.  Now, I live in Meridian, Idaho.  It's still a suburb, but it is NOTHING like Dallas or Richardson.  I live in a valley where I can see Mountains all around me.  It only takes a short drive to get to them.  Even when we lived in Arizona, I found myself going to the mountains as often as possible.  Somewhere along the line, my country lovin' husband has turned this city girl into a mountain running crazy person!  And I'm okay with that!

Anyway, I have been stuck in the city and not getting up into the  mountains near enough.  The new knee has played a part in that; and so has taking care of my mom after her shoulder surgery.  But last weekend, I had the incredible honor of traveling to one of my favorite places on earth to crew for one of my most favorite people as he did his first ultra marathon (The Gorge Waterfalls 50K) in the Columbia River Gorge.  If you have never been to this part of the United States, you really need to make a point of going!  By going, I don't mean just drive through. I mean, get out and hike!  Get out and touch the moss growing on the trees.  Climb over or under a tree.  Get your feet wet in a water crossing.  Stand on a bridge and feel the mist from a water fall bathe you.  Smell the clean air.  Feel the energy and be renewed.  EXPERIENCE LIFE.. don't just drive by it!

On this amazing adventure this weekend, I got to do a little bit of hiking with Brandon, Megan, Jodi and Andy as we scouted out just one little part of the 50K trail.  The pre-race reports they were getting told them that part of the trail had been washed out and there was a detour; Brandon wanted to check it out.  Sure enough, the trail was completely washed out and the race director created a detour.  That detour was treacherous and required a rope to help the runners navigate the upward climb.  (I'm glad I wasn't the one running this race!)

On this hike, we got to walk through this forest in the mountains.  The trees were covered with beautiful green moss.  The path was packed with a soft bed of natural mulch from fallen leaves, dirt, pine needles as well as some slippery rocks just to keep you on your toes.  We had to hike UP to the waterfall.  I am so out of shape that I thought my heart would explode, but I made it.  Once we made it up there, Andy did some filming for his YouTube channel and interviewed our two runners (Jodi and Brandon).  It was fun to watch that happening in this beautiful setting.  There was lots of laughter, and I got some great shots of that.  My heart was also filled with the way that Megan supported Brandon and showed him love through this whole adventure.  I got some great candid photos of that.  It just warms my heart.

On the way down from that waterfall, again, everyone is so much faster than I am.  But when I got to a clear section that wasn't so technical, I let my legs free and I let myself run (which I am not supposed to do).  Man did it feel amazing. I miss running through the mountains. There is just something so freeing and magical about it!

Race day came and everyone was filled with jitters.  Our racers were filled with nervous energy for what they would find on the course and how their bodies would handle the tests the trail would give them.  As support crew, we knew what their goals were and we held our breath and watched the clock as we waited for them to come into the aid station (hopefully before cut off times).  It was nerve wracking.

Once we started them off on their race, we decided we had a few minutes and wanted to meet them somewhere up on the course before the first aid station to cheer them on and so Andy could catch some video.  This meant hiking up a very steep trail.  Once again, my heart felt like it was going to explode.  It is so pretty there, but time was of the essence. There was no time to really appreciate the beauty around me.  As it was, Megan reached to the part of the trail where the racers were running through just 3 minutes before Brandon ran through.  I arrived just before Jodi ran through.  On the way down, we decided to take a different route down hoping it wouldn't be as sloppy and muddy.  NOPE.  At one point, I was slipping so much, I had to put my hands down to stop me from falling on my arse!  I'm grateful that Megan helped me down that and I stayed in one piece.  It was a gorgeous hike though!

Once they came into the aid station, everything was a flurry of action.  Megan helped Brandon re-stuff his bag with nutrition.  I refilled his water bottles.  He was in and out of the first aid station in a little over a minute.  When Jodi came running in, I was in charge of the video camera while Megan and Andy took care of her running pack and sending her on her way.  Whew!  That was nerve wracking.

The 2nd aid station was at the trail we had hiked the day before to check out the washed out trail.  We arrived early enough to set out our aid station things and wait for our runners.  We watched as time ticked by.  Brandon made it through sooner than we had expected.  We filled up his water, got him some coke, re-powdered his feet, changed his socks and shoes and sent hm on his way. He was in great spirits and feeling strong.  Then we waited for Jodi.  The cut off time had passed.  As runner after runner came in and learned that they had missed the cut off time, we watched their disappointed faces.  They had just finished some of the hardest 19 miles of their lives.  They had just accomplished more than most people will ever dream of.  Yet, they didn't get to finish their race, and that is heart breaking.  And as support crew knowing we still had a runner up there, our hearts broke.  As we waited she sent a message to Andy saying she thinks she missed the cut off.  (And she had.)  From what she said, it took everything she had to climb up that rope at the detour.  She came running down the remainder of that trail and met the aid station workers who took her running bib from  her.  Her race was over.  She handled it with such grace and dignity.  I know she was disappointed, but she handled it like a champ and was excited to cheer on Brandon for the remainder of the race.

Brandon did finish the race in under the "cut off time" for the entire race.  He made it in under 9 hours.  I could not have been prouder of him.  And the moment he shared with his beautiful wife was so touching.  It made my heart sing.

I am so humbled by the strength and determination of my friends.

The other part to this weekend was the amount of joy I felt while being in the mountains.  It renews my soul.  I could have taken a million pictures, and none of them would have conveyed the way I felt up there.  The energy in the Gorge is palpable.  The waterfalls are majestic.  The bed of moss is inviting.  Everything about that area welcomes you into its beauty and tells you its secrets, all you have to do is be still and listen.  It was exactly what my soul needed!

Oh.. and aside from the beautiful soul-feeding mountains, I had the incredible pleasure of meeting up with one of Nick's college mates, David.  I had only met him once (at Nick's memorial) and it was such a beautiful experience to connect with him on this strip.  He shared stories of Nick with me.  It was so heart warming to see how much he admired  my son and how much he missed him.  I love hearing stories about Nick.  I love seeing how much he was loved.  And I loved getting to know this incredible young man on a more personal basis.  I hope he comes to visit Boise soon!

April 4, 2017 Not what I thought I would write about today...

I really thought today's blog would be about giving birth to Nick 28 years ago.  However, I know I have shared that before, and I just can't find it.  When I went looking for it, I ended up finding the eulogy I wrote and gave at his memorial, and I think that is more fitting for today....  but I don't think I have ever shared it in a blog... or I might have.  But you all know how much I blog.   So ya, I will just share it here.....

"20 years ago as Nick’s dad prepared for graduation from FIT, I  never imagined we would have a child preparing to graduate from the same school.  And Just last week, I was thinking about Nick’s graduation that was to take place the day after my birthday this year… 20 years after his dad graduated from here.  It’s crazy to think how time flies.  And it’s crazy to think how much this particular school has shaped and changed the life of our family.  So thank you all for being here and being part of this beautiful life.

Nick was an amazing human being.  He had his own religious beliefs (or lack there of).  But here is what I like to believe…. Everything is made of energy.  And to me, God and Energy are synomynous.  I believe that before we come to earth to have this human experience, we choose parents that will lead us down a path to help us learn the lessons we want to learn during our time here on earth and once we learn those lessons, we let go and return to that energy source.  I fully believe that And since I believe we are all one and I believe we are all energy, then I also believe that Nick is still right here with us.  (And I can totally see him rolling his eyes at me right now and shaking his head at me.  That’s okay, he’ll get over it!)

The funny thing is, Nick often got into conversations about “what happens after we die”.  And typically the conversation comes down to, “no one REALLY knows because we are alive and NOT dead.”  So  now, Mr. Know It All is dead and he has the answer to this question and I wonder if he is laughing at us going.. “neener neener neener, I know the answers!”  It’s all good.

From the very beginning Nick lived life on his own terms.  He took a look at the perspective parents to choose from.  I’m sure he got all analytical about it.  He probably used the scientific method to make his choice.  But whatever he did to decide, he ended up giving his dad and I the surprise of our life by letting us know he had chosen us just 2 weeks before our planned wedding date.  He couldn’t have waited just a few more weeks?  (Did you all notice he is a bit impatient?)

Then after choosing the earthly experience, and choosing his parents, I kind of think he might have changed his mind cause he just didn’t want to be born.  He was late and refused to come out on his own, no matter what the doctors did to try and coax him out.  Finally, he had to be cut out and brought into this world kicking and screaming with a temper tantrum cause he didn’t get his way.  (maybe that explains the rest of his childhood and the choices he made… just trying to get back at us for not giving him more time.. I don’t know.)

He loved life. He loved adventure.  He loved to learn.  He CRAVED learning..his entire life.  Even though, from the time he was born he was raised in a conservative Christian home, he still had his own thoughts and opinions.  I raised him to make up his own mind.. no matter what my beliefs were. I would not force them on him.  So when, at the age of 11 he decided to ask us about Wicca, my heart kind of stopped but his dad and I did our research and helped to guide him down the path in which he felt he was called.  And as a family we studied.  He felt at home there for several years… we all did. 

But his spiritual beliefs didn’t stop there.  He continued to read and research.  He continued to live life on his terms.  And eventually he decided he had NO religious beliefs.  He decided there was no god.. only science.  And that’s cool by me.  And I could not be any prouder of him with his choice to become part of the SSA and go beyond that and become the President of the club here on campus. He was passionate and I loved that about him.

Some of the discussions he has had about his religious views and his scientific views could get pretty heated. So heated, in fact, even the flies were afraid to listen in from the walls.  But that is the way Nick lived.  He played life full on, filled with passion for everything he did. 

Nick was always the kid that was a bit different, especially in high school.  Most kids were wearing name brand clothes trying to fit in.  Nick wore sarongs or Kilts to school dances with Suzy.  His senior year, his back to school shopping wasn’t done at the mall, it was done at Haight Ashbury in San Fransisco… all hippy wear, all the time.  Funny, he went from wearing all black clothing to some of the brightest colors ever!  He was an all or nothing kind of guy.  If he was in something, he was ALL in!  (I’m sure he came by that honestly.)

Maybe that is why when he fell in love with Suzy in 8^th Grade and Suzy just wanted to be friends, Nick waited a couple of years until Suzy was ready.  He just knew that she was the one.. even if she didn’t know it yet. He was all in long before she came around to the idea.  And I’m so glad she finally did.. cause we kinda like her and we might just keep her.  She can’t get rid of us now!

His mind was beautiful.  And his heart was JUST as beautiful.  He loved to give out hugs.  He loved to laugh.  He had a wicked sense of humor.  And in our family, if you don’t have a sense of humor, you are just gonna sink.  We kind of joke in our family… “Here’s the appropriate line…. .and then here’s us.”  As a matter of fact, a couple of years ago, I had a cycling accident and hit my head an sustained a pretty serious head injury.  I had a bit of a personality change.  Before my injury, I never cussed.  But afterwards, well.. let’s just say, I could teach the sailors a thing or two.  And Nick thought this was hilarious.  Last June while he was visiting Idaho, he laughed and said, “I like the brain injured you. You are more fun now!”  Yup, he always spoke his mind and lived life on his terms, and I would never want it any other way.

He was the best big brother to Nate and Naomi.  He baby sat them and saved the house from burning down once.  Which is kind of funny cause Nick loves to play with fire.  I am just grateful he realized that the house burning down would not have been a good time to play with fire.  When his dad was travelling and could not make it to the daddy daughter dance for Omi’s elementary school, Nick stepped up in his best Hippie Attire and took Naomi to her daddy daughter dance.  He Flew from Florida to surprise his brother Nate and take him to an Avenge 7 Fold Concert in Idaho.  He taught Naomi how to work on their Dad’s motor cycle and on cars.  He taught both of them how to ride their bicycles.  He introduced them to all kinds of music.   He was their best friend and protector.

  

Nick, from the get go, you melted our hearts.  You were the spitting image of your dad.. the perfect mirror.  You were a shining light in this world and that light will never fade, but continue to shine through each life you touched.  You are already missed in such profound ways.  Thank you for picking me and Dad to be your parents.  Thank you for teaching us how to be parents.  Thank you for the adventure!  And if you get a chance, can you send us a note and let us know what’s on the other side so we can all stop arguing about it? That would be cool.. it might even bring world peace!  Thanks!

  

We love you, Kiddo."

April 2, 2017 So much to take in...brain on over load

It has been a very long time since Tracy and I have attended any type of self-empowerment conference.  I believe the last one was back in 2007.  As I recall, those weekends were just as taxing and overloading as the one we just attended, even though the content was a bit different.

As we drove home from the conference, which was here in Boise, just 20-30 minutes from our home, I couldn't help but feel the call to head to my beloved mountains and hike and ground.  I really feel like I need to ground and re-center myself so that I can decompress and really let what I heard sink in.  However, I am so exhausted, I don't think I am up to the hike.  Not to mention that *someone* might have danced and jumped a little bit too much on her new knee last night.  Boy, when I woke up this morning and rolled out of bed, I felt some crazy pain in my knee and thought, "What the hell?"  Then I laughed and said, "Oh ya, I had too much fun dancing and giggling last night."  WORTH IT!!!  So, instead of the mountains, I retreated to my backyard sanctuary... the Pirates Cove (our tiki bar).






















The conference we went to this weekend was called RelateCon.  It was (as you might imagine) a relationship conference.  Before we left for the weekend, Tracy and I had several conversations about what our intentions and goals were for the weekend.  We discussed what we had hoped to gain by attending. Our intentions went something like this:

1) Reconnect with each other on the physical, emotional and intellectual planes.  With all of the conferences we have attended over the years, we have never been to one that was specifically on relationships.  We have been together since we were 14 years old and we have been married nearly 29 years. I guess it was about time for us to attend a relationship conference :).

2)  Personally, I really wanted to learn some new tools on knowing what I want from my relationships and be able to communicate those needs in an effective way.

3)  I was also looking for better tools on conflict resolution. (which of course just means better communication, but something more specific than "better").

4)  I also wanted to connect with people of like minds and make new friends.

I am finding it difficult to put into words what I learned.  But I can tell you that what I learned about romantic relationships can also be applied to platonic and even work relationships.

Let's face it so many of disconnects in most relationships happen because lack of or bad communication skills.  What I liked about this weekend was that I inadvertently went to several different break out sessions that all had to do with communication. (Apparently that is what the universe thought I needed).  I also ended up hearing over and over again that I really need to be clear with *myself* about what I want out of my relationships.

Since the death of our son, Tracy and I have been dealing with a bit of a disconnect.  Mostly because we grieve in different ways.  Tracy decided to keep himself  busy with side work and I turned to blogs, art and dancing.  We spent less time together, not because we don't like each other, but because these things that we used to help us deal with our grief took us away from each other.  We found ourselves getting into a pattern of just superficial check ins at the end of the day, or the occasional complete emotional melt down from grief.  We very rarely had deeply connected heart to heart conversations.  And of course, with grief, our sex drive kind of tanked. Of course, along with dealing with our own grief over losing Nick, there is also helping our remaining children and my mom (who lived with Nick over half his life) deal with their grief.  Then there was the transition with our daughter in law that was wrought with all kinds of emotions.  And finally,  I'm sure my own traumatic brain injury, hysterectomy, and 2 knee surgeries thrown in there over the last 2 1/2 years didn't help with that situation either.  In all of these situations, having some of the tools we learned this past weekend would have been so very helpful!

So now what?  What did I learn this weekend to help me move forward and continue with this life-long journey of love and connnectedness?  And how will I apply this to other relationships in my life? It really is just getting back to the basics and being very clear about things.

1)  Be very clear about who I am.  I need to know myself and what makes me tick?  What are my triggers?  What are my turn-ons (and I don't mean turns ons in the strictly sexual context).  What actions, feelings, words make me feel as though I am being heard, valued, respected, adored, validated, cherished, sexy.   What are  my triggers?  I need to know what will set me off and turn me from a little grumpy to crazy scary monster mom.  I need to know what will turn my happy, loving mood into a dead stop crank mode.  I need to be able to communicate this thoroughly to the ones that I love/like/respect/work with (in the appropriate fashion depending on the relationship).  If I don't know these for myself, how can I expect others I am involved with to know these things?  (Well first of all, there should be no expectations...it should be freakin' clear!  LOL).  That is where knowing myself and how I tick comes in.

Interestingly enough, I *USED* to know myself pretty well.  However, human beings are dynamic. We grow and change, and some times we don't even realize that we do.  It's like how as  teenager I LOVED the perfume White Linen.  But over time, I realized "Nope, not my thing anymore."   I didn't know that.. until I knew that.  And if people who knew me "back when" gave me that as a gift, how would they know that it "wasn't  my thing" unless I  told them.  I don't know when, how or why that changed, but it did.  So, now, as I look at myself and the things that have changed in my life, it makes perfect sense that I would be a different person NOW than I was before I lost my son.  And I am likely not even the same person (in all contexts) as I was even a year ago, or maybe even before attending this conference.

It was suggested writing a user manual for myself.  Yes, I could share this with the people that I love. A sort of "keys to the kingdom" kind of thing.  It would tell whomever I shared it with, exactly how to win my affection or avoid my wrath.  But more importantly, it would allow me to sit down with myself and REALLY get to know ME.  Once I know me, I can then help others get to know me and we can communicate and live life in an easier way.   If we all came with user manuals and gave them to people we work with, love with, co-habitate with, wouldn't that make life so much easier?    But like I said, we would have to keep that thing up to date. Life changes.  We change, and that manual needs to be updated with those changes.

2)  Once I know who I am.  I can then think about what I want from other relationships.  Once again, I am not talking about just sexual relationships. This applies to all kinds of relationships.  What am I looking for from my spouse?  What kind of qualities and attributes am I looking for in a best friend.  What about the people I work with or the the work place in general?  And WHY am I looking for them?  What purpose will those relationships serve in my life?  If I am looking for a dance partner, but I end up meeting someone who says they prefer gaming, is this really the relationship I want to pursue?  Don't laugh.  That seriously happened to  me.  I placed an ad in the STRICTLY PLATONIC section of Craig's List looking specifically for a PLATONIC DANCE PARTNER, and what I got (when I finally agreed to meet with a couple of men to see if we could be dance partners) was a guy who didn't even like dancing, but would love to just go to gaming bars or a guy who didn't like dancing but wanted to go for motorcycle rides.  Great.  But that wasn't what I was looking for.  Do I let go of what I am looking for and accept these new people for what they want or do I say, "thanks but no thanks?"  You think the answer would be clear, but it wasn't.  It took me a while to be able to stand up for myself and say, "thanks, but no thanks."  Life is too short to "settle".  If you want a dance partner, for heavens sake find the dance partner!  Know what you want and go out there and get it.  If something doesn't feel right, you don't have to stay in the relationship just because it is convenient or because you are afraid to hurt someone's feelings.  Know what you want.  Know what you are looking for.  Be able to communicate that and NEVER feel guilty for standing up for it.

3)  Once I have found the person I am looking for (say a dance partner).  Now its time for the two of us to sit down and talk about what each person expects from this relationship.  Yes, dancing, is a given.  But how many times a week/month/year?  What kind of dancing are we going to do?  Clear, concise, compassionate communication is key in every relationship.  Practice active listening.  If a conflict arises, (ie....your partner spent more time dancing with someone else at the Salsa club than they did dancing with you), then be able to use non-violent/confrontational communication to express your feels and needs.  Maybe they didn't even realize they were doing something wrong, and if that is the case, unless you mention it, they will never know.  And if you don't mention it right away, it is likely to happen again, and things fester (cause I don't know about you, but I LOVE to tell stories in my head. Its the storyteller and writer in me).  And eventually, things will blow up way out of proportion.  As was said in classes this week, communicate as early and as often as possible.  You are your own keeper. You are the only one who knows what you are thinking.  Do NOT make the assumption that your dance partner, life partner, business partner, parent, children, or anyone else knows what you are thinking.  I don't care how long you have had them in your life, they are not always going to know what you are thinking.  It's true. Tracy and I JUST had this conversation this morning (thanks to these classes).  He says something, I thought he meant it one way, but what he really meant was something completely different and the end result was that we were both disappointed in the end result.   Communication.. knowing what the other person wants.. asking for clarity.. being willing to LISTEN  is huge!

4)  Inevitably, there is going to be a conflict somewhere.  So how are you going to deal with it?  Are you going to play the victim?  Are you going to find your own solution and then present it to the person you have the conflict with and say.. "here's what we are going to do..."  Or are you going to stop.  Collect your thoughts.  Look at the situation and the role you played in it.  You felt your dance partner spent too much time dancing with someone else at Salsa Night.  Okay, but what did you actually FEEL?  And WHY?  Did it trigger you in some way?  Did it break some kind of agreement you had already made with that partner?  Or are you just  making stories up in your head?  Before you react, stop, breathe and think.  Own your own stuff. Maybe, your partner spent more time dancing with someone else because in reality, you needed to take a break and you expected your partner to come check on you to see if you were ready to dance again.  When instead, you should have said to yourself, "Okay, I'm ready to shake my groove thing. I will let my partner know so we can get to dancing together again."  Or *maybe* they found a partner who knows something different than the two of you already know, and they are learning it to bring it back to teach to you.  But you will never know until you have an open and honest talk with them.  But you have to be able to understand your emotions before you can have this conversation.  Non-violent communication uses this model..."When you spent more time dancing with the other person, I felt excluded and unworthy.  Can we please discuss this and find a resolution?"

My example is so simplified.  There is so much more than I learned about this.

Another thing I took away from the conflict resolution talk was to remember that only 1 person gets to be aggrieved at one time.  It's not helpful to say, "I am upset that you danced with the other person so long." and then have your partner respond with, "Well I am upset because you are always late when I arrive to pick you up to go dancing."  No.  We were told this week that only 1 person gets to "play victim" at a time.  The first person who was brave enough to speak gets to have their conversation and issue resolved before the next thing can be talked about.  So huge!

5)  I took a class on sustaining intimacy and connection.  Again, this is another class that can be applied to more than just a marriage.  It can be applied to any friendships. It can be applied to your relationship with your children.    Just gotta tweak a few things here and there.  Again, it boiled down to knowing myself and knowing my "partner" (or whoever it is you are talking about). What do you want from that relatiosnhip?  What do THEY want?  What makes people tick?  And WHY do you want to sustain a relationship with them?  For me, in a very over simplified way, this boils down to scheduling and making time for quality time one on one with the person you want to have a relationship with. Go on dates that allow you talk but don't put the pressure on talking (active dates, like hiking, paint & sips, live music (that's  not too loud)..things like that). Try NEW things that are new to both of you.  Think outside of the box.  And if it is a romantic relationship that you want to rekindle a spark in, then realize it won't take one romantic date to fix something that has been a bit chronic.  Like for me and Tracy.  We may have lost ourselves in the grief process.  It is going to take more than one night at paint & sip (no matter how amazing that was) to repair 2 years of wear and tear from grief.  It's going to take more than one weekend at a relationship conference filled with classes to reconnect us.  It is going to take following through with the things we learned.  It's going to take daily practice.  It's going to take commitment.  It's going to take patience. It's going to take love (which we have in abundance, thank god). And it's going to take BOTH of us.   I really  LOVED this particular class!  Out of all of the classes, this one filled with me hope!

Aside from all of the amazing classes that we took this weekend, I also got to  meet some equally amazing human beings from all over the place in all different walks of life.  I  love deep heart felt connections. I crave them.  I long for them.  Whether the connections are platonic or something more, I love the deep intimate heart felt soul connections that can be made with other human beings.  And this weekend was wrought with that.  During one of the "game" classes, we spent time doing eye gazing, which is one of my most absolute favorite things to do with someone.  You can see so much of their soul by just quietly staring into another person's eyes.  You don't have to touch them. Just look into their eyes.  And  sit with that.  It is such a beautiful experience. And there are a few people that I had a chance to connect with without ever saying a word, and I am so grateful for those connections.  I am grateful to have been able to expand upon those connections by getting to know them by chatting with them, dancing with them, laughing with them and even crying with some of them.  I am grateful for the  moments in which I got to share stories about my children. I am grateful for the moments in which I got to share Nick's story....especially since his birthday is coming up on Tuesday, and the grief was a little raw.  And since this was a relationship conference, grief plays a huge role in how my relationships look and form right now, and will likely continue to play a role (even if its just a small role).  It is a part of me now, and that is all there is to it.  So I am eternally grateful for those people who held space for me to share my  heart and my tears. I am grateful to those who held my hands and reminded me that my favorite words in the whole wide world are Blessed and Joy.  Before Nick died, those were my two favorite words and I truly FELT those things at the very core of my being.  And this weekend, I was able to feel those two things again. I was able to touch those things.  They no longer feel so far removed from my life, and I am grateful.

We sat through a hypnotist workshop and I was able to let go of a few things and see some things in a very positive, love filled light.  Joy filled my soul.  And I feel as though I am able to move through some road blocks that have been a bit stuck.  I am filled with gratitude  for this gift.

I am excited to delve deeper into the amazing woman that I have become. I am excited to get to know her. I am excited to get to share her with those I love.  I am excited to explore new friendships and see where they lead.

I am excited for new possibilities.

I am excited for the new lessons in communication, new and deeper, revitalized connection with the man that I love with my whole heart.. the man I intend to spend the rest of my joy-filled life with.  I am excited to feel that spark again.

***NOTE****  The ideas mentioned here are some of my notes and thoughts taken from the amazing presenters at this conference......Minx & Lusty Guy, Tyson, Brenda, Masami, Mandee, Melissa and Kitty.

March 29, 2016 That Sense of Foreboding......

Do you ever get it?

Have you ever made a decision to do something on a future date and then have a huge since of foreboding?  I'm not talking about regret about making the decision.  I am not talking about chickening out.  I am talking about.... "All of a sudden, I feel like something bad is about to happen, and that something bad is going to prevent me from doing what I agreed to do."  Generally, I really don't like to think like that or give in to such thoughts.  I totally believe that we create our own reality, but I also believe in a 6th sense and listening to intuition.  So how do you decide if the sense of foreboding is the universe telling you something, or if its something else not nearly as useful?

So here's the deal.....

A couple of weeks ago, I had a crazy dream about a burlesque performance.  When I mentioned the story to my burlesque friends, I was asked about performing in April.  I agreed.  I didn't agree to just one performance, but to two acts for that show.  Both of them would be new acts.  However, I had no doubt that I could get it all done in over a month's time frame.  I had both acts planned out (in theory).  I even had most of the costuming figured out, but it would take some sewing and some crafting along with choreography.  I was totally excited.  I went right out and bought materials to start sewing the costume.  I ordered things that I needed.  I was 100% in!  Then all of a sudden, I started getting this really strong sense of foreboding.  I thought it was strange and I was doing my best to just ignore it and keep moving forward.  I took out my crafting stuff and some of the costuming I needed to decorate and put it on the table to start getting some work done.  But there was that cloud again.

Then it started happening.  My daughter needed to go the doctor and Nate has been hurting after a skateboard accident.  Mom's PT requires using my kitchen table (where I do my sewing and crafting).  Doctor appointments started adding up on top of mom's PT.

Naomi has some kind of mysterious issue that has her vomiting.  We thought it was side effects from the meds she is taking to help her sleep.  It's not.  The doctor thought it was a bacteria that causes an ulcer.  It's not.  She is supposed to be taking and OTC acid reflux med to see if it will help.  It's not.  Her tummy is sensitive to palpations.  But the doctor wanted us to wait until after spring break before doing more.  He wants to give it some time with the OTC meds.  Currently, she is still experiencing issues.  Since the meds she takes for sleeping don't always work, she will need to be scheduled for a sleep test.  And there are other appointments she needs to get all of this straightened out.

Nate's back has been having issues for a long time.  It kind of runs in the family.  But while we were gone, he had an accident on a skate board that had him land flat on his back.  He didn't hit his head, but his back is in serious pain.  He didn't go to the ER.  He has made an appointment with his regular pain doctor, but can't get in until April 10th. In the mean time he is seeing a massage therapist who suggested he might have vitamin D deficiency as well as some other issues.  She suggested lots of things (that I think are actually beyond her scope).  All I know for certain is that Nate is in tons of pain, and will have lots of appointments between doctor's and physical therapy appointments and likely some specialists along the way.

So you can see where my head and my emotions are right now.  My kids are everything to me.  I have already lost one.  So any time my remaining two are hurting or sick, things feel MUCH BIGGER in my head.  It can be a bit debilitating and all consuming.  Maybe that is wrong.  Maybe it will get better over time.  But for right now, it is alot.  And it's all happening around Nick's birthday which is next week.  So yes, my emotions are raw.

With all of this going on, and after talking to Tracy, I decided to pull out of the show I had agreed to be in.  Doing that bothers me because I feel like if I agree to do something, I should do it.  I put people in a bad position by pulling myself out of a performance.  Though, I feel like I gave enough notice for the producer to find someone else, I still feel badly.  *sigh*  I did what I thought was best for the show, for my family, and for me and I will just have to live with that and any consequences that come with it.  With that said, I will turn my focus onto what I can control and the good things are happening in my life and continue helping my mom and kids get the medical attention they need and hold the truth that is they are healthy, happy and strong and they are going to remain that way.

So what GOOD things are in my pipeline???  Well first of all, Tracy and I have a conference to attend this weekend.  It's been a very long time since he and I have taken any kind of self-growth workshops together.  I am seriously looking forward to this event, making new friends, and creating a deeper connection with the love of my life.    Next weekend, I get to go to Oregon to cheer on a couple of my friends while they run their first ultra marathon!  The weekend will be filled with hiking, beautiful nature, lots of laughter and hopefully a huge since of accomplishment for my friends.  I am going to a luncheon for Family Advocates in an effort to learn more about volunteering and working with foster children.  Naomi and I have tickets for a ballet later in the month which is the same weekend as Naomi's prom.