Do you ever get it?
Have you ever made a decision to do something on a future date and then have a huge since of foreboding? I'm not talking about regret about making the decision. I am not talking about chickening out. I am talking about.... "All of a sudden, I feel like something bad is about to happen, and that something bad is going to prevent me from doing what I agreed to do." Generally, I really don't like to think like that or give in to such thoughts. I totally believe that we create our own reality, but I also believe in a 6th sense and listening to intuition. So how do you decide if the sense of foreboding is the universe telling you something, or if its something else not nearly as useful?
So here's the deal.....
A couple of weeks ago, I had a crazy dream about a burlesque performance. When I mentioned the story to my burlesque friends, I was asked about performing in April. I agreed. I didn't agree to just one performance, but to two acts for that show. Both of them would be new acts. However, I had no doubt that I could get it all done in over a month's time frame. I had both acts planned out (in theory). I even had most of the costuming figured out, but it would take some sewing and some crafting along with choreography. I was totally excited. I went right out and bought materials to start sewing the costume. I ordered things that I needed. I was 100% in! Then all of a sudden, I started getting this really strong sense of foreboding. I thought it was strange and I was doing my best to just ignore it and keep moving forward. I took out my crafting stuff and some of the costuming I needed to decorate and put it on the table to start getting some work done. But there was that cloud again.
Then it started happening. My daughter needed to go the doctor and Nate has been hurting after a skateboard accident. Mom's PT requires using my kitchen table (where I do my sewing and crafting). Doctor appointments started adding up on top of mom's PT.
Naomi has some kind of mysterious issue that has her vomiting. We thought it was side effects from the meds she is taking to help her sleep. It's not. The doctor thought it was a bacteria that causes an ulcer. It's not. She is supposed to be taking and OTC acid reflux med to see if it will help. It's not. Her tummy is sensitive to palpations. But the doctor wanted us to wait until after spring break before doing more. He wants to give it some time with the OTC meds. Currently, she is still experiencing issues. Since the meds she takes for sleeping don't always work, she will need to be scheduled for a sleep test. And there are other appointments she needs to get all of this straightened out.
Nate's back has been having issues for a long time. It kind of runs in the family. But while we were gone, he had an accident on a skate board that had him land flat on his back. He didn't hit his head, but his back is in serious pain. He didn't go to the ER. He has made an appointment with his regular pain doctor, but can't get in until April 10th. In the mean time he is seeing a massage therapist who suggested he might have vitamin D deficiency as well as some other issues. She suggested lots of things (that I think are actually beyond her scope). All I know for certain is that Nate is in tons of pain, and will have lots of appointments between doctor's and physical therapy appointments and likely some specialists along the way.
So you can see where my head and my emotions are right now. My kids are everything to me. I have already lost one. So any time my remaining two are hurting or sick, things feel MUCH BIGGER in my head. It can be a bit debilitating and all consuming. Maybe that is wrong. Maybe it will get better over time. But for right now, it is alot. And it's all happening around Nick's birthday which is next week. So yes, my emotions are raw.
With all of this going on, and after talking to Tracy, I decided to pull out of the show I had agreed to be in. Doing that bothers me because I feel like if I agree to do something, I should do it. I put people in a bad position by pulling myself out of a performance. Though, I feel like I gave enough notice for the producer to find someone else, I still feel badly. *sigh* I did what I thought was best for the show, for my family, and for me and I will just have to live with that and any consequences that come with it. With that said, I will turn my focus onto what I can control and the good things are happening in my life and continue helping my mom and kids get the medical attention they need and hold the truth that is they are healthy, happy and strong and they are going to remain that way.
So what GOOD things are in my pipeline??? Well first of all, Tracy and I have a conference to attend this weekend. It's been a very long time since he and I have taken any kind of self-growth workshops together. I am seriously looking forward to this event, making new friends, and creating a deeper connection with the love of my life. Next weekend, I get to go to Oregon to cheer on a couple of my friends while they run their first ultra marathon! The weekend will be filled with hiking, beautiful nature, lots of laughter and hopefully a huge since of accomplishment for my friends. I am going to a luncheon for Family Advocates in an effort to learn more about volunteering and working with foster children. Naomi and I have tickets for a ballet later in the month which is the same weekend as Naomi's prom.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Friday, February 17, 2017
February 17, 2017 Getting My Nerd On!!!!
So last Sunday was the Frankly Burlesque Nerdy Valentines show. Thanks to Trump's immigrant ban Executive Order funding was cut for refugee programs, and we decided to use this show as a fundraiser to help Agency for New Americans. We raised over $500 to help cover some of their costs. I was excited to use my art for good, and I'm grateful for the opportunity!
I wanted to lead with that..because no matter what happened on that stage (that I will talk about soon....) being able to raise money for a cause I feel passionate about is a huge thing. It's important in this day and age to stand up and fight for the marginalized..to fight for those who can't fight for themselves. Art is a great way to do that!
The performance itself was tons of fun! I got a chance to perform with Kate E. Gaga again. We did our Gaston and Belle duet. We also have so much fun performing this together. We laugh so hard and it is always followed up with huge hugs and "I love yous". It's fun to see and hear the audience laugh with us. It's fun to elicit emotional responses from the audience. When Belle gets constantly rejected by Gaston, the audience feels badly for her and gets excited when she starts stripping to try and seduce Gaston away from his video games. It's just a hoot. And I love that performance!
The next performance I did was dedicated to my amazing hubby. I created a performance to the song Code Monkey. Tracy has no idea what my second performance was going to be about or even to what song I was doing it too, so he was nice and surprised. I LOVE that!
When I had the brain storm of an idea to create this piece, I immediately thought, "This will be easy. Just buy a nerdy shirt, some glasses, wear some jeans and use what you have at home already." It wasn't quite as easy as that, but yet it was easy enough. Then all of a sudden, I found myself having difficulty finding the character. My nerdy self just was not coming across. I felt stuck. My choreo was not coming along. Everything felt forced. I was getting very frustrated.
I had all the costuming done, complete with fuzzy heart pasties and a fuzzy heart for my tush. I had props made, complete with a pyramid of glued Mountain Dew cans. But why couldn't I get he feeling right? Where was my inner nerd?
Then while going through chroeo, I took a long deep look in the mirror and pushed up my fake glasses and found her. Right there before my eyes, with the push up of my glasses, she came screaming out! "Here I am!!!!!" And "just like that" I found my inner nerd! She was goofy, funny, sassy, angry, bored, frustrated, and sexy! She conveyed all of the emotions with all of the facial expressions she needed. Whew!
Facial expressions are a big one for me. I have been working on my acting skills. It used to be that I was just happy to be on stage and I would smile this big huge smile just because I was performing. But I lost my character in that smile. Part of burlesque is being able to tell a story, not just strip off clothes. Part of burlesque is being able to take on a character and use that character to help people connect and feel during a performance. I feel like my Teddy Bear performance from a few months back had the facial expressions right. I feel like I have been getting better at this. And as it turns out, the feed back I got after my Code Monkey performance confirmed that. I was thrilled when one of my favorite performers came back stage after the show to give me some amazing feedback regarding my facial expressions and how they were dead on and how much I have improved since she first started watching me perform. So yay!!! That meant the world to me!
I got ahead of myself.....
When Frankie was introducing me, I could feel my heart beat faster. I heard her talk about my socially awkward software engineer with a crush on the secretary. I knew in that moment that Tracy knew what song I was performing. When they pulled the curtain to show my stack of Mountain Dew Cans and my bag of Frito's that other people knew what was coming. I could hear their excitement. And once the music started and I made my entrance, complete with back pack slung over my shoulders and toilet paper trailing from my shoes, the audience was hooked and cheering.
It's funny, there was a move in the performance that I got to do for the first time......it was to strangle the soda can and then throw it out of frustration. At home, I strangled one can and kept reusing that can, but I never threw it. I didnt' want to use all of my cans in rehearsals at home, and I didn't want to throw the can for fear of breaking something in my house. So on stage, when it came time to strangle the can, I wondered if I would throw it or not, and I felt all of the frustration of my nerdy software engineer well up inside of me and I threw that can across the stage.
The audience was eating it up! Everything was going right until........
It was time for me to unzip my pants and take them off to expose the red fuzzy heart on my tush. The actual removal of my jeggings was meant to be awkward...cause well.. I'm a nerd on stage. However, my zipper was NOT suppose to get stuck and in the process unsnap my shirt that was suppose to come off later as a reveal! LOL. So there I was with a stuck zipper. I didnt' know why it was stuck. In all of the rehearsals, it had never gotten stuck. But even with a stuck zipper, I knew I could pull off the pants. So I started to pull off the pants, but in doing so, it also unsnapped the shirt I was wearing (too soon). I managed to awkwardly get the pants off and do my best to keep my shirt closed. It looked awkward..but it worked..cause awkward was my character's main thing. Instead of teasing the audience with a slow unsnapping of a shirt, she ended up joyfully taking turns flashing difference sides of the audience. They were eating that up and laughing.
The shirt came off easily and without a hitch. Then it was time to take off the bra. I really have no clue what was happening on stage at this point. I was way into the performance and having entirely too much fun to even know what was gong on. I knew I was hitting my marks. I knew the audience was having fun. I knew I was playing awkward nerd well. And that was all that mattered...until..........
I took off my bra, covered my breasts (at least I hope I did) with one arm while I proceeded to twirl my bra in circles above my head. The hook in my bra caught my wig and pulled it off! Yup.. and underneath my wig was my natural hair pulled back and pinned awkwardly. I decided to go with it! Wooooo!!!!!! My bra and my wig spinning over my head until I dropped my bra and found my wig on the floor. I picked it back up and just put it on top of my head (not the way it was suppose to). I held the wig with one hand and did the "rock on symbol" with the other as I revealed my heart pasties. It was a crazy silly awkward ending to a performance that had the audience laughing and cheering. It was entirely too much fun.
It was so much fun, and I was so "high" from performing, that one my exit (behind the curtain) I tripped off of the stage and landed on my right knee. I have a beautiful fishnet shaped rug burn. And my left knee and ankle are unhappy. But that is okay, I left my audience smiling!
That's the thing about performance art, and in real life...things don't always go the way you want them to go. But if you can smile your way through the unexpected glitches, you will find joy in even the "wrongest" of moments. It's all about how you decide to show up in life. Are you going to laugh and play along or are you going to fret and worry? I choose to laugh and play along; its much more enjoyable that way.
PS... the other amazing thing about the audience was that my 79 1/2 year old mom was in the audience with 4 of her friends from her previous senior living apartment complex. One of the men was 87 years old. They sat right in the center and had the best time! They are still calling my mom and telling her how much fun they had! My friends in the audience had fun watching them enjoy themselves. Never underestimate the "elderly". They can be party animals!
I wanted to lead with that..because no matter what happened on that stage (that I will talk about soon....) being able to raise money for a cause I feel passionate about is a huge thing. It's important in this day and age to stand up and fight for the marginalized..to fight for those who can't fight for themselves. Art is a great way to do that!
The performance itself was tons of fun! I got a chance to perform with Kate E. Gaga again. We did our Gaston and Belle duet. We also have so much fun performing this together. We laugh so hard and it is always followed up with huge hugs and "I love yous". It's fun to see and hear the audience laugh with us. It's fun to elicit emotional responses from the audience. When Belle gets constantly rejected by Gaston, the audience feels badly for her and gets excited when she starts stripping to try and seduce Gaston away from his video games. It's just a hoot. And I love that performance!
The next performance I did was dedicated to my amazing hubby. I created a performance to the song Code Monkey. Tracy has no idea what my second performance was going to be about or even to what song I was doing it too, so he was nice and surprised. I LOVE that!
When I had the brain storm of an idea to create this piece, I immediately thought, "This will be easy. Just buy a nerdy shirt, some glasses, wear some jeans and use what you have at home already." It wasn't quite as easy as that, but yet it was easy enough. Then all of a sudden, I found myself having difficulty finding the character. My nerdy self just was not coming across. I felt stuck. My choreo was not coming along. Everything felt forced. I was getting very frustrated.
I had all the costuming done, complete with fuzzy heart pasties and a fuzzy heart for my tush. I had props made, complete with a pyramid of glued Mountain Dew cans. But why couldn't I get he feeling right? Where was my inner nerd?
Then while going through chroeo, I took a long deep look in the mirror and pushed up my fake glasses and found her. Right there before my eyes, with the push up of my glasses, she came screaming out! "Here I am!!!!!" And "just like that" I found my inner nerd! She was goofy, funny, sassy, angry, bored, frustrated, and sexy! She conveyed all of the emotions with all of the facial expressions she needed. Whew!
Facial expressions are a big one for me. I have been working on my acting skills. It used to be that I was just happy to be on stage and I would smile this big huge smile just because I was performing. But I lost my character in that smile. Part of burlesque is being able to tell a story, not just strip off clothes. Part of burlesque is being able to take on a character and use that character to help people connect and feel during a performance. I feel like my Teddy Bear performance from a few months back had the facial expressions right. I feel like I have been getting better at this. And as it turns out, the feed back I got after my Code Monkey performance confirmed that. I was thrilled when one of my favorite performers came back stage after the show to give me some amazing feedback regarding my facial expressions and how they were dead on and how much I have improved since she first started watching me perform. So yay!!! That meant the world to me!
I got ahead of myself.....
When Frankie was introducing me, I could feel my heart beat faster. I heard her talk about my socially awkward software engineer with a crush on the secretary. I knew in that moment that Tracy knew what song I was performing. When they pulled the curtain to show my stack of Mountain Dew Cans and my bag of Frito's that other people knew what was coming. I could hear their excitement. And once the music started and I made my entrance, complete with back pack slung over my shoulders and toilet paper trailing from my shoes, the audience was hooked and cheering.
It's funny, there was a move in the performance that I got to do for the first time......it was to strangle the soda can and then throw it out of frustration. At home, I strangled one can and kept reusing that can, but I never threw it. I didnt' want to use all of my cans in rehearsals at home, and I didn't want to throw the can for fear of breaking something in my house. So on stage, when it came time to strangle the can, I wondered if I would throw it or not, and I felt all of the frustration of my nerdy software engineer well up inside of me and I threw that can across the stage.
The audience was eating it up! Everything was going right until........
It was time for me to unzip my pants and take them off to expose the red fuzzy heart on my tush. The actual removal of my jeggings was meant to be awkward...cause well.. I'm a nerd on stage. However, my zipper was NOT suppose to get stuck and in the process unsnap my shirt that was suppose to come off later as a reveal! LOL. So there I was with a stuck zipper. I didnt' know why it was stuck. In all of the rehearsals, it had never gotten stuck. But even with a stuck zipper, I knew I could pull off the pants. So I started to pull off the pants, but in doing so, it also unsnapped the shirt I was wearing (too soon). I managed to awkwardly get the pants off and do my best to keep my shirt closed. It looked awkward..but it worked..cause awkward was my character's main thing. Instead of teasing the audience with a slow unsnapping of a shirt, she ended up joyfully taking turns flashing difference sides of the audience. They were eating that up and laughing.
The shirt came off easily and without a hitch. Then it was time to take off the bra. I really have no clue what was happening on stage at this point. I was way into the performance and having entirely too much fun to even know what was gong on. I knew I was hitting my marks. I knew the audience was having fun. I knew I was playing awkward nerd well. And that was all that mattered...until..........
I took off my bra, covered my breasts (at least I hope I did) with one arm while I proceeded to twirl my bra in circles above my head. The hook in my bra caught my wig and pulled it off! Yup.. and underneath my wig was my natural hair pulled back and pinned awkwardly. I decided to go with it! Wooooo!!!!!! My bra and my wig spinning over my head until I dropped my bra and found my wig on the floor. I picked it back up and just put it on top of my head (not the way it was suppose to). I held the wig with one hand and did the "rock on symbol" with the other as I revealed my heart pasties. It was a crazy silly awkward ending to a performance that had the audience laughing and cheering. It was entirely too much fun.
It was so much fun, and I was so "high" from performing, that one my exit (behind the curtain) I tripped off of the stage and landed on my right knee. I have a beautiful fishnet shaped rug burn. And my left knee and ankle are unhappy. But that is okay, I left my audience smiling!
That's the thing about performance art, and in real life...things don't always go the way you want them to go. But if you can smile your way through the unexpected glitches, you will find joy in even the "wrongest" of moments. It's all about how you decide to show up in life. Are you going to laugh and play along or are you going to fret and worry? I choose to laugh and play along; its much more enjoyable that way.
PS... the other amazing thing about the audience was that my 79 1/2 year old mom was in the audience with 4 of her friends from her previous senior living apartment complex. One of the men was 87 years old. They sat right in the center and had the best time! They are still calling my mom and telling her how much fun they had! My friends in the audience had fun watching them enjoy themselves. Never underestimate the "elderly". They can be party animals!
Sunday, January 22, 2017
January 22, 2017 How Do We Experience Peace During Conflict...and other thoughts.
This blog could be long. I will try to keep it short, but you know me and how long winded I am.
First let me say, that this morning, unexplainably (Is that a word?) , I woke up entirely too early for a Sunday morning. I was wide awake by 7:30 in the morning. I stayed in bed and tried my best to fall back asleep, but apparently, my brain knew I needed to be in church this morning. Boy was it right!
I got there early enough, that I was front row center. I was by myself. No biggie. I introduced myself to the woman sitting a few chairs over. She was leading songs today, and she was wearing the most beautiful colors, and I made sure to tell her so. She was stunning. And just as church was beginning to start, I noticed Susan Hawke, Naomi's 8th grade science teacher. Susan is moving back to Boise from Oregon and we have stayed in contact via facebook for these years. I waved at her, and she smiled her huge smile and walked right towards me. She gave me the biggest, longest hug I have had in quite some time... and I felt her start to cry. I only mention that because our church has a way of doing that to people who belong there. Just this morning as I was driving to church, I thought to myself, "I am so going to cry today!". There is something so very special about our church and our congregation and our minister and the energy there......so much love. It overwhelms you, and you start to cry (in a good way). Anyway, Susan sat with me right up front. We cried together at different times and held each other. We are both going through things of our own, and it was just so amazing to have each other today.
As I sat there, with this amazing woman sitting beside me, I thought about how amazing it is and how grateful I am for the teachers that have come through Naomi's life. Two of them are friends with me on facebook, and I see them in different social circles. Both Susan and Janet are also friends with Naomi on facebook. Naomi always thinks it's weird to even want to refer to them by their first names. But she adores these women. They have both made a huge impact on her in different ways. Janet was her English teacher and Susan was her science teacher. Actually, Janet also had my son Nate. LOL. But as I sat there beside Susan today, my heart filled with so much joy and appreciation for the amazing teachers and the connections they have made with my family.
Interestingly, today at church, the special music person that was supposed to be there today couldn't make it, and in their place came Belinda Bowler. I have never heard her sing before. She is very talented, with a beautiful voice. And the very first song she sang, "Whitebark" by T. R. Ritchie, had me bawling. Mostly because I had been thinking about all of the stress and all of the challenges and all of the changes that have happened in my life and I often wonder, "How the hell are you still standing, Martha?" So by the time she was finished singing this song, I was a blubbering idiot. And that was about the time, Susan and I started hugging and crying again. LOL.
Here is T.R. Ritchie singing this song. Here are the lyrics....
First let me say, that this morning, unexplainably (Is that a word?) , I woke up entirely too early for a Sunday morning. I was wide awake by 7:30 in the morning. I stayed in bed and tried my best to fall back asleep, but apparently, my brain knew I needed to be in church this morning. Boy was it right!
I got there early enough, that I was front row center. I was by myself. No biggie. I introduced myself to the woman sitting a few chairs over. She was leading songs today, and she was wearing the most beautiful colors, and I made sure to tell her so. She was stunning. And just as church was beginning to start, I noticed Susan Hawke, Naomi's 8th grade science teacher. Susan is moving back to Boise from Oregon and we have stayed in contact via facebook for these years. I waved at her, and she smiled her huge smile and walked right towards me. She gave me the biggest, longest hug I have had in quite some time... and I felt her start to cry. I only mention that because our church has a way of doing that to people who belong there. Just this morning as I was driving to church, I thought to myself, "I am so going to cry today!". There is something so very special about our church and our congregation and our minister and the energy there......so much love. It overwhelms you, and you start to cry (in a good way). Anyway, Susan sat with me right up front. We cried together at different times and held each other. We are both going through things of our own, and it was just so amazing to have each other today.
As I sat there, with this amazing woman sitting beside me, I thought about how amazing it is and how grateful I am for the teachers that have come through Naomi's life. Two of them are friends with me on facebook, and I see them in different social circles. Both Susan and Janet are also friends with Naomi on facebook. Naomi always thinks it's weird to even want to refer to them by their first names. But she adores these women. They have both made a huge impact on her in different ways. Janet was her English teacher and Susan was her science teacher. Actually, Janet also had my son Nate. LOL. But as I sat there beside Susan today, my heart filled with so much joy and appreciation for the amazing teachers and the connections they have made with my family.
Interestingly, today at church, the special music person that was supposed to be there today couldn't make it, and in their place came Belinda Bowler. I have never heard her sing before. She is very talented, with a beautiful voice. And the very first song she sang, "Whitebark" by T. R. Ritchie, had me bawling. Mostly because I had been thinking about all of the stress and all of the challenges and all of the changes that have happened in my life and I often wonder, "How the hell are you still standing, Martha?" So by the time she was finished singing this song, I was a blubbering idiot. And that was about the time, Susan and I started hugging and crying again. LOL.
Here is T.R. Ritchie singing this song. Here are the lyrics....
WHITEBARK
This is the life I have been given
These are the seasons of my time
And I am seeking out the light
According to design
I’ve weathered storms I cannot count
To make this world my home
In a place where small and twisted things
Can split the hardest stone
These are the seasons of my time
And I am seeking out the light
According to design
I’ve weathered storms I cannot count
To make this world my home
In a place where small and twisted things
Can split the hardest stone
In one like me you might not see
how I have managed to exist
A fragile crooked rack of limbs
In terrain as rough as this
But to those who take their chances here
Experience has shown
That sometimes small and twisted things
Can split the hardest stone
how I have managed to exist
A fragile crooked rack of limbs
In terrain as rough as this
But to those who take their chances here
Experience has shown
That sometimes small and twisted things
Can split the hardest stone
So shed no tears of pity here
Spin no tales of tragic grace
Just let it be enough that life
Is blooming in this rocky place
It is the proof that seeds will grow
Wherever they are sown
And that sometimes small and twisted things
Can split the hardest stone
Spin no tales of tragic grace
Just let it be enough that life
Is blooming in this rocky place
It is the proof that seeds will grow
Wherever they are sown
And that sometimes small and twisted things
Can split the hardest stone
If that song wasn't enough to remind me why I was in church, Rev. Jackie got up on the pulpit and said she would be spending the next 3 weeks talking about finding Peace in Conflict. My soul took a deep cleansing breath. Conflict. Yes. Yes, facebook is FILLED with it right now. But more importantly, what is going on with my mom is wrought with conflict. It is pretty brutal. There are really no words to describe what I have been witnessing and hearing. It kind of makes what is happening in the world of politics look like The Happiest Place On Earth by comparison. So yes, I needed to be in church today. I was actually kind of hoping that I would be able to talk to my mom today about what I learned in church, but today was not the day. But it WILL happen!
One of the things I love about Rev. Jackie's talks is that she always sites some amazing books. Today's was The Eye of the Storm by Gary Simmons. And the question raised in this book is, "How do we experience peace in a world of conflict?"
Instantaneously, I thought about my mom. I have been asking myself this question since this drama started. "How can I find peace?" More importantly, "How can I help my mom find peace?" She is so hurt and feeling so attacked and betrayed.
Rev. Jackie told us a story (which I am assuming is mentioned in this book mentioned above, but it might have been a story she herd from Gary Simmons personally) about Mr. Simmons getting an ayurvedic reading. The Hindu healers told him something to this effect, "No one is against you."
There was a big long huge talk about this today, and I won't go into it all. But it comes down to a couple of things. The first, is what I truly believe... "The Universe if FOR me." "I am the physical manifestation of the Divine, and this world was created for the Divine, and the Divine would not create conflict for itself."
If I feel as though I am in a conflict, I really need to step outside of myself and ask myself "why". "Who have I become to allow and feel conflict in my life and what needs to be changed?" If I feel discomfort, it is a reflection of my own disconnection from what I know to be true, which is that I am the human manifestation of perfection. I just need to get back to that.
So here is the other question.. "How would my life be different if I believed that no one is against me?" "How would the world be different, if we ALL believed that NO ONE was against any of us?"
Then Rev. Jackie said something like this, "If we could move beyond the first basic human drive (which is personal safety) and reach the 2nd basic drive which is to connect with other and LOVE, then conflict would melt away." Wow. For me, this seem so surreal. The idea of focusing on my "personal safety", while at first seems smart, also (upon further reflection) seems selfish. If I could by pass that, and focus on connecting with other and sharing love, it would have a wider affect on this world. It is proactive rather than re-active.
Then the part that I wanted to talk to my mom about was the directions given to us from the Master Teacher, Jesus. 1) Love your enemies (Matthew 5:44) 2) Bless the conflict (Luke 6:28) 3) Do good to those that hurt you (Luke 6:27) 4) Pray for those who despise and persecute you (Luke 6:28). There are several Bible verses that refer to these directives. My mom is a devout Christian. I am not. However, I do believe in the teachings of Jesus because those teachings are about compassion, love, peace, service, and acceptance.
Even if you are NOT a Christian and things the words above are a bunch of nonsense, I can tell you this. If you have a conflict with someone, you can change the outcome, but simply changing you thoughts about that person. In our old neighborhood, we had a woman who was the HOA president. NO ONE in the neighborhood liked her. She came to our door at 10:30 at night and verbally assaulted my son for driving in "her" culdesac with his music turned up in his car. We called her "The cranky old lady". She was always reporting us for something. She was always looking for trouble. She was a miserable woman. But one day, I just told my family, we needed to stop calling her "The cranky old lady" and start calling her by her real name. We needed to send love and peace in her direction and expect it back. And sure enough, not only was their peace in the neighborhood, but she and her husband moved away.
No matter how bad a situation is or how hateful and spiteful a person can be, by taking a good look at yourself and making changes in your own thinking, you can resolve and bring peace and end the conflict you are feeling with the other person. I have seen it happen. I know this to be true.
So yes, I will be talking to my mom about this. Mostly because I hate seeing her so filled with anger. And I want her to continue her friendships in the complex she is currently living in, and right now she says she never wants to go back there because she feels as though she is hated and unwanted and "Why would I want to go some place where I am not wanted?". So yes, I will be sharing this with my mom, using the Bible verses (because that is how she will understand this.)
But in my own life, I too, need to practice this on so many levels. Like with the woman who killed my son. Rev. Jackie actually used an example that was way too similar to my situation with Nick's death. I thought I might lose it when she did that, but I made it through it without even crying. I need to resolve that conflict with Michaeleen Blaire.....not for her..but for myself.
So there ya have it........my thoughts on today's service! Have a wonderful evening.. I'm off to burlesque!
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
January 17, 2017 In Memory of Stripes
It's been a very long time since I have lived in a house without a cat.... but as of today at about 4pm, we said goodbye to our beloved Stripes.......
Let's go back to the year 2000 (or so). We already had 1 dog, an amazing Boston Terrier, but we decided that we would like a new dog. We bought a puppy from a woman who had a litter. She brought the puppy over to see if he would be a good match with Max, and he was. But after several months, a huge hole in the carpet, frayed carpet at every place that met tile, wood furniture chewed up and destroyed, and finally a growl and snip at a 6 or 7 month old Naomi, we decided this dog was not going to work out. We called the "breeder" and gave him back. But this dog was supposed to be "Nate's dog". He was beside himself, so we agreed to getting him a cat.
I was in the pet supply store that had a several cats up for adoption. I had run in to take a look (leaving the kids in the car with Tracy). There was a cat, he was grey striped and came up to my fingers in the cage and wanted to be petted. He meowed at me. He picked me. All of the other cats couldn't care less. But this one wanted to come home with us. We brought Nate in, and he acted the same way. Yes, this was going to be our cat. We adopted him right away, and Nate named him Stripes.
This beautiful cat was only a year and a half. Someone had owned him once. They had declawed him and then took him to the Arizona desert and left him for dead. Someone found him and took him to the shelter... and that is how we found him.
He was already trained. He was beautiful. He was sweet. He loved to play. He learned to use the doggy door to go in and out of the house. He loved to hunt.
When we decided to move from Arizona to Idaho, he made the trip in the truck with me, the kids and Max. He hated being lead on a leash to go to the bathroom. But he survived that very long drive, and he learned to love Idaho.
When we moved to the house off Victory (that backed into the wetlands), Striped always brought us presents. He brought us mice, birds and even a snake. He would bring in live animals. Let me tell you, getting a scared live bird out of a house is a tricky thing!
One time we had a mouse in our kitchen, and the only reason I knew is because Stripes would sit and stare at one spot for HOURS just waiting for a mouse. I couldn't see it. I couldn't hear it. But Stripes knew it was there. Eventually, I started finding evidence of the mouse, but still had not seen it or heard it. I cleaned everything I could possible clean, and still the mouse hung out. Finally, one day, while Stripes was carefully watching, the mouse made a mistake and striped went in for the kill. Sure enough, the mouse was caught!
Stripes was an amazing hunter!
When we moved to this house 2 years ago, Stripes was furious. He threw huge temper tantrums and pee'd on the old couch which was moved upstairs to the loft. As a matter of fact, this trained cat who NEVER had accidents decided he would pee on anything that was left on the floor (including throw rugs). I won't lie; over the last 2 years, I have cussed out that cat more times than I can count. However, I never stopped loving him. IT only took him about year to stop being mad at me and started cuddling with me again, but in reality, he decided he was Tracy's cat.
He LOVED Tracy. Every night, he would crawl on Tracy's lap and cuddle with him. Tracy would play with him and rough house with him, and Stripes (even as recent as last week) just put up with it. He didn't just put up with it, but he came back for more. He LOVED Tracy.. no matter what Tracy did to him.
And let me not forget to say this... this might hunter, never once bothered Naomi's guinea pig, even when Annabelle was out in the open and easy to attack. Stripes knew better.
Stripes knew if we weren't feeling well, he would come up and lay on top of us to love us until we felt better. He loved the fire place and loved to lay in front of it.
He was the best kitty and he will be sorely missed.
Stripes, find Max and hang out like old times!!!!! We love you!
Let's go back to the year 2000 (or so). We already had 1 dog, an amazing Boston Terrier, but we decided that we would like a new dog. We bought a puppy from a woman who had a litter. She brought the puppy over to see if he would be a good match with Max, and he was. But after several months, a huge hole in the carpet, frayed carpet at every place that met tile, wood furniture chewed up and destroyed, and finally a growl and snip at a 6 or 7 month old Naomi, we decided this dog was not going to work out. We called the "breeder" and gave him back. But this dog was supposed to be "Nate's dog". He was beside himself, so we agreed to getting him a cat.
I was in the pet supply store that had a several cats up for adoption. I had run in to take a look (leaving the kids in the car with Tracy). There was a cat, he was grey striped and came up to my fingers in the cage and wanted to be petted. He meowed at me. He picked me. All of the other cats couldn't care less. But this one wanted to come home with us. We brought Nate in, and he acted the same way. Yes, this was going to be our cat. We adopted him right away, and Nate named him Stripes.
This beautiful cat was only a year and a half. Someone had owned him once. They had declawed him and then took him to the Arizona desert and left him for dead. Someone found him and took him to the shelter... and that is how we found him.
He was already trained. He was beautiful. He was sweet. He loved to play. He learned to use the doggy door to go in and out of the house. He loved to hunt.
When we decided to move from Arizona to Idaho, he made the trip in the truck with me, the kids and Max. He hated being lead on a leash to go to the bathroom. But he survived that very long drive, and he learned to love Idaho.
When we moved to the house off Victory (that backed into the wetlands), Striped always brought us presents. He brought us mice, birds and even a snake. He would bring in live animals. Let me tell you, getting a scared live bird out of a house is a tricky thing!
One time we had a mouse in our kitchen, and the only reason I knew is because Stripes would sit and stare at one spot for HOURS just waiting for a mouse. I couldn't see it. I couldn't hear it. But Stripes knew it was there. Eventually, I started finding evidence of the mouse, but still had not seen it or heard it. I cleaned everything I could possible clean, and still the mouse hung out. Finally, one day, while Stripes was carefully watching, the mouse made a mistake and striped went in for the kill. Sure enough, the mouse was caught!
Stripes was an amazing hunter!
When we moved to this house 2 years ago, Stripes was furious. He threw huge temper tantrums and pee'd on the old couch which was moved upstairs to the loft. As a matter of fact, this trained cat who NEVER had accidents decided he would pee on anything that was left on the floor (including throw rugs). I won't lie; over the last 2 years, I have cussed out that cat more times than I can count. However, I never stopped loving him. IT only took him about year to stop being mad at me and started cuddling with me again, but in reality, he decided he was Tracy's cat.
He LOVED Tracy. Every night, he would crawl on Tracy's lap and cuddle with him. Tracy would play with him and rough house with him, and Stripes (even as recent as last week) just put up with it. He didn't just put up with it, but he came back for more. He LOVED Tracy.. no matter what Tracy did to him.
And let me not forget to say this... this might hunter, never once bothered Naomi's guinea pig, even when Annabelle was out in the open and easy to attack. Stripes knew better.
Stripes knew if we weren't feeling well, he would come up and lay on top of us to love us until we felt better. He loved the fire place and loved to lay in front of it.
He was the best kitty and he will be sorely missed.
Stripes, find Max and hang out like old times!!!!! We love you!
Thursday, December 29, 2016
December 29, 2016 When You Realize You are Not His Wife And You Have No Say
Yes, I'm still married to Tracy. This has nothing to do with that. However, it is something to consider when thinking about Tracy's mom (god forbid something happen).
This blog is not ragging on anyone, and is only being written because we are just about through the holiday season and my dreams have been pretty bad for the last couple of weeks.. lots of dreams about Nick or missing Nick. Actually, for the last 2 nights I have spent my dream time looking for Nick and not finding him. It has been horrible. Then today, I re-read my blog from this date last year and the changes that were happening in our home. And it made me think about this most recent Christmas time. And it made me think about everything that has happened in between.
Choices made out of strong emotion are not always the best choices or the best worded decisions (even if they were the right decisions). I have spent the last year trying to preserve my sanity. I thought the first year of grief would be the hardest, but in reality, the first year was all about shock and the "to do" lists that come with losing a loved one. The 2nd year of grief is the hardest. That is when the shock is worn off and the "shit hits the fan". And in that 2nd year of grief, that is when my family was decimated and shattered and scattered to different parts of the valley. That is when almost all contact between me and Suzy has been cut off. I hurt her. She hurt me. And together, we have unfollowed each other and she has blocked me from seeing most posts. Her sister has unfriended me. Her mom sticks around (for some reason). Tom's family has all unfriended me and Tom has blocked me. I'm not saying these things out of anger. I am not saying these things to make anyone look bad. I am just stating the facts as they are. It is a snapshot of what has happened in the last year. I wish things were different. But they aren't. And honestly, I don't know if they can be. Why? Because I was not Nick's wife; I was only his mother.
In the last month and a half I have been reminded of this in a couple of forms, and I guess that is why I am writing this blog. It's another lesson.. another "coming to terms" I have had to do... and it hurts like hell. And its something I NEVER thought I would EVER have to think about. And yes, sometimes, I am insanely jealous of the angels moms who never have to go through this.
When Nick died, I really thought we had agreed that we would scatter his ashes together, but in the mean time, we bought the beautiful urn to keep his remains in. Suzy kept the urn in her bedroom (when she lived here). It was understandable from her point of view...she has never slept without him since they had gotten married. From the other family member's point of view, it was as if they were being excluded from seeing "him". (even though, all we had to do was ask to go into Suzy's room to be with the urn...but everyone felt awkward because we all knew how Suzy felt about her private space.) Even right when he died, I told Nate and Omi, "Do not ask for things of Nick's unless Suzy offers. She may not be ready to let go of things. As it turns out, Nate and Naomi were given a few things of Nick's and they cherish those things. In my worry about Suzy (and moving my mom) I never asked for anything for me and Tracy. Though I was allowed to keep the statue of Sarasvati that Nick kept at his workstation at his lab and Tracy was allowed to keep Nick's tools and tool chest.
When the time came to ask Suzy to move out with her boyfriend, I knew she would be taking the urn and his remains so I asked for some of his ashes so that I could get blown glass art made for each of us so we would always have him with us. I'm glad I did that...even though months later, I find out that my asking hurt Suzy deeply. We remember how this happened in different ways, and I am so sorry I hurt Suzy. All I can say is that I was scared to death of her taking Nick's remains with her and us never seeing "him" again or having anything of his left behind. In our garage we had boxes of their stuff...we had boxes of HIS stuff. But when they got married, his stuff became HER stuff. He became HERS. And his family.... well we were just his place of origin. We lost claim to anything of him or his once they got married. When kids get married, you are so happy for them, you never once think that at some point before you die, your own child who you gave to another human being in marriage is going to die before you.
So, Nick dies, and Suzy holds all of the cards. She holds everything of Nick's and we are at her mercy. As a mom seeing her daughter in love grieve, I didn't want to intrude on that. As a mom who lost her son, all I wanted to do was to grab onto everything I possibly could..not just for me..but for my remaining children who will have to live the rest of their lives with what memories they have of their brother. Naomi was only 9 years old when Nick got married and moved away. That is not a very long time to know a brother...especially when that brother started dating the wife when the little sister was only 6 years old. Naomi's sun rose and set on Nick. It just did. Tracy traveled a bunch when she was little and Nick was everything to her. Nate looked up to Nick and adored his big brother. They were just starting to get along again..after the rough tween/teen years. They were just finding that friendship that brothers find when they become adults. Nick was Nate's voice of reason. But everything that was Nick's or reminded us of Nick was held in Suzy's possession..and rightfully/lawfully so. She was married to him. She was his next of kin. We were just his blood family..in the eyes of the law, we didn't matter.
In hind sight, had I known what I know now, at the funeral home, I would have asked that his remains be put into two different urns..one for Suzy and one for us. Yes, that is a thing and happens. But I honestly did not think this huge separation was going to happen.
Now 2 years later, Suzy (without talking to us) has started to scatter his ashes. She memorialized his facebook page, without even talking to us. She didn't even notify me..she told Tracy to tell me. There were several times (when she was living with us) that I asked her, "Please if you ever get to a point that you do not want some of Nick's things, please give us "first right of refusal"" She said she would..she promised me. Now, I'm not so sure that will happen. And I have no say. It is completely out of my control.
I *wish* when we were moving her from Florida to Idaho (when she was trying to clear things out) that we would have made room for things she threw out....jeans of his that were so worn out...tshirts that were so worn out and she didn't want to keep. I wish we had kept those things. I wish *I* had kept those things. I would have made a quilt out of those things for me.. for Naomi.. for nate...for Tracy. Even little scraps would have been better than nothing. Recently, one of my friends posted a picture from Christmas. She lost her brother in a plane crash in 2008. Her mother had saved his rodeo shirts and jeans and cut them out and made each and every person in the family a quilt of their very own with pieces of these beloved memories. Suzy kept tshirts, but she made her own quilt. She sent the shirts off to some company; she had to add a couple of her own cause she didn't have enough, but she made this beautiful quilt made of Nick's tshirts. I wish I had kept the "unkeepables" to be able to make something like that for my children. Gratefully, Naomi has one of Nick's hippy tshirts and she wears it when she wants to feel him. She also has his old ratty hippy jacket (that needs a new zipper..she saved it from being thrown away). she wears it all the time when its cold outside. Nate has one of Nick's old hippy shirts..it doesn't fit him, and we need to get it framed. He also has Nick's old guitar that sometimes he plays on...that is amazing. I'm grateful he has those things. But damn, I wish I had kept the unkeepables. I would love to have a blanket to wrap myself up with that reminded me of him. I have the necklace with is ashes.. I have the necklace with his thumbprint, and I wear them when I really need him close to me.
Our close family friend...who is more family than friend.. was just here over Christmas. We had a long conversation about all of this. He didn't understand my need for the remains. He didn't understand what the big deal was with Suzy scattering the ashes without asking us or inviting or even notifying us. "Nick is gone. Those ashes aren't him." We all see and feel things differently. Feelings are not rational, but they are very personal and valid.
Not having a say in the way your child's remains or his remaining possessions are treated is so very heart breaking. I am grateful for the things she left behind. I am grateful for the collage frame of photos from his work at the lab that she left on the wall...pictures from his last years doing the things he loved. I am grateful for those photos and the words written by his co-workers.
This is stuff you just don't ever think about when you marry your children off. And why would you? I am grateful for the "memories" that pop up on my facebook wall that have Nick in them. Thanks to those memories, I was able to capture a poem he wrote in 2011 and a journal post that we were able to read when he died and put on facebook. I was able to take those and use his photos as a back drop to create 2 beautiful pictures with his thoughts and words printed forever..... for my children, for the grandparents, for our family friend. We can't wrap ourselves up in those pictures....but we can look at them and read them and hear his voice and see into his soul. I guess that is going to have to be good enough and I'm grateful for that.
It sucks losing a child. It sucks having a family shattered. And it really sucks being at the mercy of someone else when it comes to your child's remains and remaining things. That is over simplifying it all.
So my message to any of y'all who are marrying off your children.....or have children that one day will be married off......consider this. Talk with your child. No matter how young they are, please ask them to write a will. Please ask them to write down what they want to happen to their remains in case of an unfortunate incident or illness. Ask them to think about EVERYTHING.... including their clothes that have rips and holes in them. These are things we never thought about..until its too late. And when its too late.. emotions run deep and no one thinks straight and feelings get hurt. Please....even you parents out there who don't have these things in place, get them in place. You have seen families fight over the silliest of trinkets. You have seen families destroyed over who gets the antique letter opener. You know this shit happens. Do something to prevent it from happening. Do something that will create peace during a time of deep anguish and high emotions. If you have a facebook account, then please post in the directive when you want it memorialized. This goes for animals too. If you pass, who gets your animals? (No, I am not angry over who got Nick's cat..but I do miss that giant fur ball with a tiny voice. When Nick died, Tracy and I felt like that cat was an extension of him..Nick loved that cat.)
Anyway.. just some wisdom from the other side of the fence.........
This blog is not ragging on anyone, and is only being written because we are just about through the holiday season and my dreams have been pretty bad for the last couple of weeks.. lots of dreams about Nick or missing Nick. Actually, for the last 2 nights I have spent my dream time looking for Nick and not finding him. It has been horrible. Then today, I re-read my blog from this date last year and the changes that were happening in our home. And it made me think about this most recent Christmas time. And it made me think about everything that has happened in between.
Choices made out of strong emotion are not always the best choices or the best worded decisions (even if they were the right decisions). I have spent the last year trying to preserve my sanity. I thought the first year of grief would be the hardest, but in reality, the first year was all about shock and the "to do" lists that come with losing a loved one. The 2nd year of grief is the hardest. That is when the shock is worn off and the "shit hits the fan". And in that 2nd year of grief, that is when my family was decimated and shattered and scattered to different parts of the valley. That is when almost all contact between me and Suzy has been cut off. I hurt her. She hurt me. And together, we have unfollowed each other and she has blocked me from seeing most posts. Her sister has unfriended me. Her mom sticks around (for some reason). Tom's family has all unfriended me and Tom has blocked me. I'm not saying these things out of anger. I am not saying these things to make anyone look bad. I am just stating the facts as they are. It is a snapshot of what has happened in the last year. I wish things were different. But they aren't. And honestly, I don't know if they can be. Why? Because I was not Nick's wife; I was only his mother.
In the last month and a half I have been reminded of this in a couple of forms, and I guess that is why I am writing this blog. It's another lesson.. another "coming to terms" I have had to do... and it hurts like hell. And its something I NEVER thought I would EVER have to think about. And yes, sometimes, I am insanely jealous of the angels moms who never have to go through this.
When Nick died, I really thought we had agreed that we would scatter his ashes together, but in the mean time, we bought the beautiful urn to keep his remains in. Suzy kept the urn in her bedroom (when she lived here). It was understandable from her point of view...she has never slept without him since they had gotten married. From the other family member's point of view, it was as if they were being excluded from seeing "him". (even though, all we had to do was ask to go into Suzy's room to be with the urn...but everyone felt awkward because we all knew how Suzy felt about her private space.) Even right when he died, I told Nate and Omi, "Do not ask for things of Nick's unless Suzy offers. She may not be ready to let go of things. As it turns out, Nate and Naomi were given a few things of Nick's and they cherish those things. In my worry about Suzy (and moving my mom) I never asked for anything for me and Tracy. Though I was allowed to keep the statue of Sarasvati that Nick kept at his workstation at his lab and Tracy was allowed to keep Nick's tools and tool chest.
When the time came to ask Suzy to move out with her boyfriend, I knew she would be taking the urn and his remains so I asked for some of his ashes so that I could get blown glass art made for each of us so we would always have him with us. I'm glad I did that...even though months later, I find out that my asking hurt Suzy deeply. We remember how this happened in different ways, and I am so sorry I hurt Suzy. All I can say is that I was scared to death of her taking Nick's remains with her and us never seeing "him" again or having anything of his left behind. In our garage we had boxes of their stuff...we had boxes of HIS stuff. But when they got married, his stuff became HER stuff. He became HERS. And his family.... well we were just his place of origin. We lost claim to anything of him or his once they got married. When kids get married, you are so happy for them, you never once think that at some point before you die, your own child who you gave to another human being in marriage is going to die before you.
So, Nick dies, and Suzy holds all of the cards. She holds everything of Nick's and we are at her mercy. As a mom seeing her daughter in love grieve, I didn't want to intrude on that. As a mom who lost her son, all I wanted to do was to grab onto everything I possibly could..not just for me..but for my remaining children who will have to live the rest of their lives with what memories they have of their brother. Naomi was only 9 years old when Nick got married and moved away. That is not a very long time to know a brother...especially when that brother started dating the wife when the little sister was only 6 years old. Naomi's sun rose and set on Nick. It just did. Tracy traveled a bunch when she was little and Nick was everything to her. Nate looked up to Nick and adored his big brother. They were just starting to get along again..after the rough tween/teen years. They were just finding that friendship that brothers find when they become adults. Nick was Nate's voice of reason. But everything that was Nick's or reminded us of Nick was held in Suzy's possession..and rightfully/lawfully so. She was married to him. She was his next of kin. We were just his blood family..in the eyes of the law, we didn't matter.
In hind sight, had I known what I know now, at the funeral home, I would have asked that his remains be put into two different urns..one for Suzy and one for us. Yes, that is a thing and happens. But I honestly did not think this huge separation was going to happen.
Now 2 years later, Suzy (without talking to us) has started to scatter his ashes. She memorialized his facebook page, without even talking to us. She didn't even notify me..she told Tracy to tell me. There were several times (when she was living with us) that I asked her, "Please if you ever get to a point that you do not want some of Nick's things, please give us "first right of refusal"" She said she would..she promised me. Now, I'm not so sure that will happen. And I have no say. It is completely out of my control.
I *wish* when we were moving her from Florida to Idaho (when she was trying to clear things out) that we would have made room for things she threw out....jeans of his that were so worn out...tshirts that were so worn out and she didn't want to keep. I wish we had kept those things. I wish *I* had kept those things. I would have made a quilt out of those things for me.. for Naomi.. for nate...for Tracy. Even little scraps would have been better than nothing. Recently, one of my friends posted a picture from Christmas. She lost her brother in a plane crash in 2008. Her mother had saved his rodeo shirts and jeans and cut them out and made each and every person in the family a quilt of their very own with pieces of these beloved memories. Suzy kept tshirts, but she made her own quilt. She sent the shirts off to some company; she had to add a couple of her own cause she didn't have enough, but she made this beautiful quilt made of Nick's tshirts. I wish I had kept the "unkeepables" to be able to make something like that for my children. Gratefully, Naomi has one of Nick's hippy tshirts and she wears it when she wants to feel him. She also has his old ratty hippy jacket (that needs a new zipper..she saved it from being thrown away). she wears it all the time when its cold outside. Nate has one of Nick's old hippy shirts..it doesn't fit him, and we need to get it framed. He also has Nick's old guitar that sometimes he plays on...that is amazing. I'm grateful he has those things. But damn, I wish I had kept the unkeepables. I would love to have a blanket to wrap myself up with that reminded me of him. I have the necklace with is ashes.. I have the necklace with his thumbprint, and I wear them when I really need him close to me.
Our close family friend...who is more family than friend.. was just here over Christmas. We had a long conversation about all of this. He didn't understand my need for the remains. He didn't understand what the big deal was with Suzy scattering the ashes without asking us or inviting or even notifying us. "Nick is gone. Those ashes aren't him." We all see and feel things differently. Feelings are not rational, but they are very personal and valid.
Not having a say in the way your child's remains or his remaining possessions are treated is so very heart breaking. I am grateful for the things she left behind. I am grateful for the collage frame of photos from his work at the lab that she left on the wall...pictures from his last years doing the things he loved. I am grateful for those photos and the words written by his co-workers.
This is stuff you just don't ever think about when you marry your children off. And why would you? I am grateful for the "memories" that pop up on my facebook wall that have Nick in them. Thanks to those memories, I was able to capture a poem he wrote in 2011 and a journal post that we were able to read when he died and put on facebook. I was able to take those and use his photos as a back drop to create 2 beautiful pictures with his thoughts and words printed forever..... for my children, for the grandparents, for our family friend. We can't wrap ourselves up in those pictures....but we can look at them and read them and hear his voice and see into his soul. I guess that is going to have to be good enough and I'm grateful for that.
It sucks losing a child. It sucks having a family shattered. And it really sucks being at the mercy of someone else when it comes to your child's remains and remaining things. That is over simplifying it all.
So my message to any of y'all who are marrying off your children.....or have children that one day will be married off......consider this. Talk with your child. No matter how young they are, please ask them to write a will. Please ask them to write down what they want to happen to their remains in case of an unfortunate incident or illness. Ask them to think about EVERYTHING.... including their clothes that have rips and holes in them. These are things we never thought about..until its too late. And when its too late.. emotions run deep and no one thinks straight and feelings get hurt. Please....even you parents out there who don't have these things in place, get them in place. You have seen families fight over the silliest of trinkets. You have seen families destroyed over who gets the antique letter opener. You know this shit happens. Do something to prevent it from happening. Do something that will create peace during a time of deep anguish and high emotions. If you have a facebook account, then please post in the directive when you want it memorialized. This goes for animals too. If you pass, who gets your animals? (No, I am not angry over who got Nick's cat..but I do miss that giant fur ball with a tiny voice. When Nick died, Tracy and I felt like that cat was an extension of him..Nick loved that cat.)
Anyway.. just some wisdom from the other side of the fence.........
Friday, December 23, 2016
December 23, 2016 The Only Way to Face the Monsters Is With a Friend By Your Side
Tonight, Tracy, Naomi, Michael and I went to see the play Nighttime Survival Guide. I bought the tickets and I originally thought the play started at 7. Then I started questioning myself and went to verify. I saw on the website the shows start at 8. So I thought, "Okay, doors at 7 show at 8" like all of the burlesque shows and some plays I have been to. Makes sense.
We decided on dinner at Bardenay and had a lovely dinner with laughs and good food and headed over to the theater. WE got there at 7:08.. plenty of time to find our seats and get settled. Except, the show started at 7pm! It was already going and we weren't allowed in until intermission. We were welcome to sit in the lobby and listen to the play over the speaker. That is what we decided to. I sat close to the speaker, closed my eyes and listened closely. Such a fun story. Listening to the play this way reminded me of being a kid and listening to stories on the radio. I just wished I could see the puppets that I knew were on the stage. This particular play had humans and well as puppets. The puppets were "monsters" that were under Vern's bed (that he was afraid of). I was having a great time experiencing the play in this way. Then intermission hit.
We found our seats in a nearly empty theater for the closing show. I saw and heard my friend in different capacities during what was left of the play. The 2nd "half" was not really the half and was very short. I was disappointed. However, we did get to see one of the three puppets, and it was amazing! (I used to do puppets and even wanted to major in puppetry!) I was captured in magic world of monsters and a friendship forged all the way across the world via letters, phones and then the internet. Then like a punch to the gut, I realize this wasn't some cute little innocuous story about kids forming a friendship and monsters under the bed....but about surviving grief or even the thought of losing a father by having a friend by your side. There is no such thing as "monsters under your bed" but there are monsters in this world.. the kind of monsters that leave you in a ball crying and missing someone you love. And just like that, my happy magical world came crashing down.. sorta. Just like that I was confronted with my monster, a car with 4 wheels with an 83 year old woman behind the wheel. But I also saw the poetry in THIS night. I saw the poetry in seeing this play with our best friend at our sides... the same man who has been by our sides at the worst times in our lives/marriage. He has also been here at our best. As I held Naomi and Tracy's hands, I saw the beauty in all of this and tears fell from my face.
Indeed..the only way to face a monster is with your best friend at your side, and I am very grateful for Michael. I am grateful for my other friends who have been here through the worst time in my life. I am grateful for those that remain.
When we left and started talking about the play and the puppets, I felt the spark of magic that theater gives me. I have always been a theater geek even though I never got to be part of the theater in high school. I was bit by the bug in church doing musicals and major puppet productions as a child and teen. I went to college for storytelling. And now as a burlesque performer, I use that skill to tell stories in my performances (even if no words are ever used). I think I need to go back to college and get my theater degree. I have been mulling it over for a couple of years, but the brain injury has been keeping me back. But tonight, I realized, I would have given my left arm to be able to part of this play with the puppets. If I go back to school and get my theater degree, then maybe next time there are puppets involved, I can be there!
We decided on dinner at Bardenay and had a lovely dinner with laughs and good food and headed over to the theater. WE got there at 7:08.. plenty of time to find our seats and get settled. Except, the show started at 7pm! It was already going and we weren't allowed in until intermission. We were welcome to sit in the lobby and listen to the play over the speaker. That is what we decided to. I sat close to the speaker, closed my eyes and listened closely. Such a fun story. Listening to the play this way reminded me of being a kid and listening to stories on the radio. I just wished I could see the puppets that I knew were on the stage. This particular play had humans and well as puppets. The puppets were "monsters" that were under Vern's bed (that he was afraid of). I was having a great time experiencing the play in this way. Then intermission hit.
We found our seats in a nearly empty theater for the closing show. I saw and heard my friend in different capacities during what was left of the play. The 2nd "half" was not really the half and was very short. I was disappointed. However, we did get to see one of the three puppets, and it was amazing! (I used to do puppets and even wanted to major in puppetry!) I was captured in magic world of monsters and a friendship forged all the way across the world via letters, phones and then the internet. Then like a punch to the gut, I realize this wasn't some cute little innocuous story about kids forming a friendship and monsters under the bed....but about surviving grief or even the thought of losing a father by having a friend by your side. There is no such thing as "monsters under your bed" but there are monsters in this world.. the kind of monsters that leave you in a ball crying and missing someone you love. And just like that, my happy magical world came crashing down.. sorta. Just like that I was confronted with my monster, a car with 4 wheels with an 83 year old woman behind the wheel. But I also saw the poetry in THIS night. I saw the poetry in seeing this play with our best friend at our sides... the same man who has been by our sides at the worst times in our lives/marriage. He has also been here at our best. As I held Naomi and Tracy's hands, I saw the beauty in all of this and tears fell from my face.
Indeed..the only way to face a monster is with your best friend at your side, and I am very grateful for Michael. I am grateful for my other friends who have been here through the worst time in my life. I am grateful for those that remain.
When we left and started talking about the play and the puppets, I felt the spark of magic that theater gives me. I have always been a theater geek even though I never got to be part of the theater in high school. I was bit by the bug in church doing musicals and major puppet productions as a child and teen. I went to college for storytelling. And now as a burlesque performer, I use that skill to tell stories in my performances (even if no words are ever used). I think I need to go back to college and get my theater degree. I have been mulling it over for a couple of years, but the brain injury has been keeping me back. But tonight, I realized, I would have given my left arm to be able to part of this play with the puppets. If I go back to school and get my theater degree, then maybe next time there are puppets involved, I can be there!
Friday, December 16, 2016
December 16, 2016 Total Knee Replacement....7 weeks later
Last New Years Eve my left knee (that had already been through 2 knee surgeries) started hurting for some unknown reason. No matter what I did, it wasn't getting better. It was only getting worse. In March I finally gave in to the pain and went to a doctor. After physical therapy, a steroid shot and "joint juice shots" I had to BEG him to even just do a scope on my knee. It was still hurting to high heaven. I could not do deep squats and get up on my own. It was crazy painful. Finally he did a scope and came out telling my husband that I had incredibly bad arthritis in my left knee. 6 weeks after that surgery, I was still in pain. I asked him what the next step was. He said a knee replacement, but he could not do it. (I am over simplifying this story.)
Eventually a friend gave me the name of Dr. Nicola for a total knee replacement. He took one look at my knee and the pain I was in and said, "Your knee is shot. You need a new one." It took a while to get it approved. Finally, October 26, I was able to have a Total Knee Resurfacing (his word to replace replacement). He practises a quick recovery process. I knew I would be in pain, but to be perfectly honest, I was not prepared for the kind of pain I was in. However, that intense pain didn't last long. But what pain I have had, has lasted pretty long on top of the pain I have been feeling since New Years Even last year. A year (or nearly a year) is a long time to be in constant pain. It wears on you emotionally. And after my knee replacement, those emotions have been kind of all over the place. There have been times when I have doubted that this knee replacement was the right thing to do. "Will I always be in pain?" "Will I ever be able to do deep squats again?" "Will I ever be able to get on the floor and then back up again without pain?" It just feels like, even when I am getting better that what I really want is still so far off.
Of course, about the time I feel "hopeless", I have a PT appointment where I kick ass. Or I have a doctor's appointment where the doctors tell me I am so far ahead of the healing curve that they are thoroughly impressed. I belong to a closed Facebook group for Total Knee Replacements. I am not active on there, but sometimes I read things. Many people have had it so much worse than me. Bruising has been horrible for them. The pain has been too intense. They are 9 months post op and still taking narcotics. And there is me.....at 6 weeks post op I was wandering around Rochester, New York for hours on end playing tourist, and I was not taking narcotics (except at night when I slept).
Today I went to PT just like usual. They started with a warm up then did some massaging on my leg then set me lose in the "gym". The first couple of things they watched me do, but the last 4 exercises they just turned me lose on. What got me, was the bike at the end. I had to set it up on my own and I made a mistake. I set it for level 4. But what I didn't realize was that I set it for hills and it STARTED at level 4 and went up to level 7 and back down and then back up again. Holy Moly! I did it. It didn't hurt. It felt amazing. I talked to my PT after I was all done and asked about how much longer he thought I needed to be there. He told me that my schedule is changing now. I am down to twice a week for 2 weeks then down to once a week for maybe 2 weeks, and then I will be released. I am so close to graduating from PT. In January, I will be released from my surgeon. They say it takes a full 3 months to completely heal from the surgery I had. I swear this had been the longest 3 months of my life. But I am happy it is about over.
After PT, I came home. It was super snowy and super icy everywhere. I have been feeling so down lately. And the best way to get over that kind of feeling is to be of service to other people. So I pulled out my snow shovel and shoveled not just my drive way and my sidewalks but also the driveways and sidewalks of the neighbors on both sides. It took a couple of hours, but I did it. It felt so good to be helping other people. This shoveling required squats and bending my knees to save my back. I was able to do it without pain.
I AM getting better. I AM getting stronger. I AM beating this knee replacement and making it my .. well... I'm getting better. LOL. Just like anything else in life, I will always have to exercise to keep it healthy.
There are still things my muscles have to relearn.....like dancing. My left knee forgot how to do things like dip down to dance. That is kind of frustrating. But it will get there. I am getting my life back! Here is to a stronger, happier, healthier me!!!!
Eventually a friend gave me the name of Dr. Nicola for a total knee replacement. He took one look at my knee and the pain I was in and said, "Your knee is shot. You need a new one." It took a while to get it approved. Finally, October 26, I was able to have a Total Knee Resurfacing (his word to replace replacement). He practises a quick recovery process. I knew I would be in pain, but to be perfectly honest, I was not prepared for the kind of pain I was in. However, that intense pain didn't last long. But what pain I have had, has lasted pretty long on top of the pain I have been feeling since New Years Even last year. A year (or nearly a year) is a long time to be in constant pain. It wears on you emotionally. And after my knee replacement, those emotions have been kind of all over the place. There have been times when I have doubted that this knee replacement was the right thing to do. "Will I always be in pain?" "Will I ever be able to do deep squats again?" "Will I ever be able to get on the floor and then back up again without pain?" It just feels like, even when I am getting better that what I really want is still so far off.
Of course, about the time I feel "hopeless", I have a PT appointment where I kick ass. Or I have a doctor's appointment where the doctors tell me I am so far ahead of the healing curve that they are thoroughly impressed. I belong to a closed Facebook group for Total Knee Replacements. I am not active on there, but sometimes I read things. Many people have had it so much worse than me. Bruising has been horrible for them. The pain has been too intense. They are 9 months post op and still taking narcotics. And there is me.....at 6 weeks post op I was wandering around Rochester, New York for hours on end playing tourist, and I was not taking narcotics (except at night when I slept).
Today I went to PT just like usual. They started with a warm up then did some massaging on my leg then set me lose in the "gym". The first couple of things they watched me do, but the last 4 exercises they just turned me lose on. What got me, was the bike at the end. I had to set it up on my own and I made a mistake. I set it for level 4. But what I didn't realize was that I set it for hills and it STARTED at level 4 and went up to level 7 and back down and then back up again. Holy Moly! I did it. It didn't hurt. It felt amazing. I talked to my PT after I was all done and asked about how much longer he thought I needed to be there. He told me that my schedule is changing now. I am down to twice a week for 2 weeks then down to once a week for maybe 2 weeks, and then I will be released. I am so close to graduating from PT. In January, I will be released from my surgeon. They say it takes a full 3 months to completely heal from the surgery I had. I swear this had been the longest 3 months of my life. But I am happy it is about over.
After PT, I came home. It was super snowy and super icy everywhere. I have been feeling so down lately. And the best way to get over that kind of feeling is to be of service to other people. So I pulled out my snow shovel and shoveled not just my drive way and my sidewalks but also the driveways and sidewalks of the neighbors on both sides. It took a couple of hours, but I did it. It felt so good to be helping other people. This shoveling required squats and bending my knees to save my back. I was able to do it without pain.
I AM getting better. I AM getting stronger. I AM beating this knee replacement and making it my .. well... I'm getting better. LOL. Just like anything else in life, I will always have to exercise to keep it healthy.
There are still things my muscles have to relearn.....like dancing. My left knee forgot how to do things like dip down to dance. That is kind of frustrating. But it will get there. I am getting my life back! Here is to a stronger, happier, healthier me!!!!
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