October 18, 2016 The Other Side of the Fog

In the last couple of days on facebook I have been pictures of people hiking up above the clouds that blanket the valley. I have seen pictures of beautiful snow capped mountains breaking through the fog. All of these pictures are remarkably beautiful and remind me of how I feel on those really bad inversion days here in the valley.  Life is covered in this thick, cold inversion.  Everything is gray and frosty.  Their air is pungent from the smells that get trapped like a fart in a steamy bathroom.  And my heart just feels heavy during that time.  My soul longs to take a drive up high in the mountains above all of the ugly heaviness.  I get into my car and drive the twisting, winding, treacherous Bogus Basin Road until finally, I am out of the crazy inversion.  Finally, I am bathed by warm sunlight and surrounded by clarity and beauty.  But there is this moment.. right at the edge of the inversion and the beauty.. its the breakthrough.. where everything just seem so beautiful.  Even the inversion provides beautiful crystals on the baron trees.  Even the clouds that hang over the valley have beautiful hues to the gray and white world it has created.  The sun shines on the inversion and shows a dramatic beauty.  There is a whole new perspective to life in that moment of breakthrough.

That is where I am right now.  I feel like, for the last month or more, I have been living a life that was stuck in a bleak, cloud, cold, heavy, ugly inversion.  I've been stuck in a steam filled room that someone had just farted in.  I have been suffocating and trying to claw my way out.  And right now, I feel  like I am right there at the edge of a breakthrough where my perspective has changed.  I can see the pain for what it was and see the beauty in that pain.  I can also see the beautiful sun light just on the other side.. a beautiful place of rest and rejuvenation.  I still have some time to be spent in this breakthrough space. I know I will still feel the bitter cold for a bit longer.  But I also know that there is clarity just on the other side. I am almost there.

There has been so much going on in my emotional world.  There has been just about as much going on in my physical world.  But I think, things are finally calming down a bit.

I feel a spark of creativity peaking through.  I feel laughter bubbling up.  I feel like freedom is just around the corner.

I am feeling very blessed.  I look at my little immediate family and I see such growth and such blessings.  I see Tracy, who always works so hard, finally taking a few day here and there off of his extra work.  He is spending more time relaxing and more time with me and/or the kids.  I see Naomi blossoming.  She is making more and more friends.  She is making great choices.  She is recovering from her first serious concussion.  She is handling emotional things very well and without completely crumbling.  I see Nate taking big steps at work.  He was interviewed and hired for more opportunities at work.  He has his car back up and running; it still needs work, but he will get that taken care of as more checks come in.  I see him taking better care of things around the house and voluntarily cleaning and taking responsibility for things around the house.  Both kids are grateful and constantly thanking me for things like making dinner or whatever I am doing around the house.  I am feeling appreciated by my children.  It feels amazing.   No things, aren't perfect, but I do feel as though we are on an up swing.

Interestingly enough, there was a time before and after Nick's accident where we have been very close to kicking Nate out of the house.  But in the last 6 months, maybe, things have changed.  And now that Nate has a job and is making enough to move out (within a year's time frame), Tracy and I both have admitted to each other that we don't want him to go.  We love having him living at home, even if he is still smoking the stupid cigarettes.  (That is HUGE for Tracy....he wanted him out because Nate was smoking... and now he is saying, I don't want him to leave.)  I see our family healing.  I see our family becoming closer.  We take time to see each other for where we are.  We take time to hug each other and support each other. We take time to listen and to talk.  I feel like we are becoming a cohesive unit again.   There is a sense of peace in the house that hasn't been here since Nick's accident.  Yes, there is still sadness, but there is something else very different in the house.  Like I said, it feels as though I am coming out of the inversion.  Maybe the whole house is too?  I don't know.  I can't speak for the rest of my family.  I can only speak for what I am feeling right now (which could change at any moment).

I have had some really REALLY dark days in the last couple of months.  No one really knows how dark, except for me.  But I finally feel like I am coming out of it.  How do I KNOW I am coming out of it?  Things like my knee surgery schedule getting messed up did not send me over a cliff.  Yes, I was unhappy.  Yes, I shed a tear or two, but I was also able to find some good in the situation.  I have been able to follow up with things and not feel buried beyond measure and left for dead under the burden of someone else's mistakes.  I was able to come back from the disappointment rather quickly.  I also hit my head pretty hard and caused another concussion.  This does not make me very happy; however, I have not let it destroy me.  I am taking my brain breaks and doing my best to keep things running smoothly around here.  But if this had happened a month ago, it would have crushed me.

Another symptom of things getting better, I am redecorating the guest room.  It has been several things since we have moved into this house.  But I have decided to turn it into a guest room..complete with a full size antique iron bed that I inherited as a little girl, night stands, desk, fancy chair, book shelf and "glamorous" touches.  I gave up my dance room for this guest room, but it is going to have a feel of a burlesque room with pictures of burlesque performers as well as a collage frame from our family photo shoot.  The colors are red/black/gold/silver and anything sparkly.  LOL  I want it to be a  mixture of vintage meets glam.  Since our family photo shoot was a 50's theme with red and black, I decided to use those in there as well to add a personal touch to the room.  I am excited about it.  It will be my little sanctuary.  It has been a wonderful creative outlet for me.  And I am excited about it.  I am also very grateful to Tracy for getting the iron bed repaired and making all of his possible.

Right now, my heart is filled with gratitude.  I may still feel sad about the loss of my son, but that will always be a constant.  My knee may still be hurting and I have a new concussion, but otherwise I am healthy and strong.  My kids are healthy and amazing.  My husband is the best provider and such a great daddy to our children.  We have everything we need and more to share.  I am very grateful for all of that.  Most importantly, I am grateful for the enormous amount of love in my life.

October 11, 2016 Privacy Settings.. A Rant...Nothing really to learn here.. feel free to pass on by.

Privacy on my public blog is an issue.  I know that seems like an oxymoron but it is a very real issue.

I post my own very real emotional thoughts that are very personal in a very public way.  I do this because people tell me that what they read helps them in some way.  It also gives me a voice where sometimes I feel like I have none.  It helps me be heard.

The problem with positing very personal stuff in a very public way is that I can not always control who decides to read my blog.  I can share it on Facebook and it allows my friends to know its been posted.  Sometimes, on rare occasions, my friends ask if they can share a blog post (which is cool).  Then there are other occasions where I block (on facebook) certain people from seeing my posts about a new blog (as a means of protecting them) and yet, Google + sends them a notification that I have posted a blog.  Then the same people I am trying to protect end up reading it anyway.  There is a 3rd set of people.  Those are the people that I didn't intentionally block from reading my posts.  They go and read my posts and then take it upon themselves to read what I wrote and then go to the person I was intentionally trying to protect from my thoughts and tell them my blog exists or they stir up trouble.

Here is the deal.  My blog is about me.  My blog is about how I feel.  I do my best not to make it about other people.. even if other people are part of why I am feeling the way I am feeling.  I am a storyteller by nature.  I share through story.  My writing tends to be that kind of style.  I talk about what is going on and then how I feel about what is going on.  I don't do this as a means to betray or talk bad about anyone.    I do not have an ulterior motives.  I really just want to express my feelings in a safe environment (my blog).  It is always about ME and no one else, even if someone else's name is shared.

Sometimes people who read my blog don't get that.  Even when I specifically post a disclaimer, they still find a way to take it personally or worse, take what I have written and go to the person that I might have mentioned and start talking to them about what I have written.  I don't know what their motives are.  But I wish they would stop to think what their actions are doing.  If the person mentioned in my blog wanted to read my blog, they would and they would know what I wrote.  If the person I mentioned wanted to have a conversation about my blog, they would come to me and have a conversation.  It is not up to a 3rd party reader to read my blog and then go to someone else and question them.  It really isn't.  If you are curious about what you read, ask me.  Do not go to the other person mentioned and ask them.  Why?  Because you might just be causing that person harm.  You might be stirring up some emotional trauma.  And mostly because, it's none of your business!  What is happening in my life (even if it is made public) is none of your business.  Sure you are allowed to read it.  You might even be invited to read it (because I put it out there publicly).  But it does NOT give you permission to take what you read and go running to someone else and talk to them about it.  They likely have no clue what is going on in my head and it wasn't' even about them to begin with.  It was about ME!  Why can't people understand that?  Why do they feel they have to get involved in other people's lives?

Here is another piece of information about my blog.  My blog is just a peep hole into big wide world and infinite amount of emotional thoughts I have.  My blog is not the be all and end all of my every day life.  It is not the entire story (mine or anyone else's).  If I am writing about something, you can guarantee there is probably something else going on deeper that you are not aware of.  I might over share on my facebook and my blog, but I can guarantee you that I do not share EVERYTHING.  Please keep that in mind.  For every word I type, there are probably at least a thousand more that I am not typing.  The idea that you can read my blog and think you understand what I am going through enough to go and talk about it with a 3rd party as a means of understanding or trying to get another side of the story is ludicrous.  Seriously, if you have questions about something I wrote, then by all means, come and talk to me.  But don't think you heard my entire story and that you have all of the information you need to go and stir up trouble some place else.

Gah!  This is mind boggling to me.

I have tried my hardest to protect the ones I love.  Even in protecting them, I get accused of causing trouble.  I have tried to research ways on Google + to block specific people from seeing reading my blogs, but I can't.  There is no way to do that (that I can find).  I can take my name out of search engines.  But seriously?  I need to do that?  You can't just use self-control and stop reading?  I can completely lock down my blog and make it private, but then again, it stops the purpose of the blog and prevents other people from learning through my experience.

I realize that by opening up to the public, I also open  myself up to ridicule.  But the thing is, it's not about how you feel about me that upsets me.  It's that you have taken what I have said in my blog and used it to hurt the very people I try to protect.  It's that you actively go looking for my blog to read what I wrote and then use it against me.  It's that you actively go read my blog and then wait until the work day hours in the middle of a week to contact my husband and stir up shit while he is trying to work.  These are the things I have issues with.  Grow the fuck up!

(This is the end of my rant/test.  This will not be posted on Facebook.  I really just needed to vent and to see if I could post this without sharing it on Google +)

October 10, 2016 The White Car Out Front

After blogging yesterday, all of a sudden some of my own thoughts started detangling and I was able to dissect and think about them clearly.  Today, I would like to maybe share some of these thoughts and how I feel (If I can put it into writing).  Blogging and writing helps me make sense of the commotion in my head; thank you for reading and being a witness.  And just an FYI.. this is L.O.N.G!!!!

First thread to detangle:

For the last 1 year and 11 months I have spent a great deal of my energy not being "that mom".   I have listened to my various friends who have lost siblings.  I have listened to their concerns about how their moms have handled grief.  I have watched my own various friends..other angle moms.. and how they have dealt with their grief.  I have seen or have heard of various different ways people have reacted to losing a child.  Even before I lost my own child, I thought, "I would want to handle things differently."  And now here I am, this far into my journey as an angel mom and I find myself not being "that mom"; however, I have become a completely different kind of "that mom".

Yes, I will admit to "judging" something that I could not ever begin to understand.  I judged it long before losing Nick ever happened.  I was going to say that maybe "judging" isn't the correct word, but even as I initially typed it, "judging" seems to be the only word, but not in the "OMG they are so horrible way" as much as it was in a "I hope I could learn from this and do things differently."  Ya.  Still sounds judgmental to me.  That's okay. I'm owning it for what it is and I'm learning in the process. It does no one any good to deny their mistakes.

Here is what I have learned.  No matter what I might have learned from watching and listening to my friends, grief manifests differently for everyone.  A husband and wife can lose the same child; yet grief manifests and they deal with it in completely different ways.  The best I can do is be mindful of how my actions affect others.  Even at that, I fail miserably.  Like I have said before, grief is a very selfish thing.  I have realized that people who grieve (at least from my own personal experience) tend to act and react from a place of self-preservation.  We are guarded.  We are protective.  If we were protective of our family members before, we are even more so now.  If we were protective and sensitive as individuals before, we are even more so now.  We begin to feel sad and realize we can't take anymore sadness.  We begin to feel anxious and realize we can not be around things, situations or people that can cause more anxiety.  We begin to feel hurt and we put up walls to protect us from being hurt again/more.  We start to close ourselves up and very few people are let inside of those locked up gates.  We may not even let our surviving children or spouses in.  It's a private world.  One that is very lonely.  It may seems as though we are pushing those that we love away, when what we really need is for those that we love to hold us closer, but we feel unloveable.  It is a real paradox and the people that surround us sit staring cluelessly feeling helpless.

I have learned that in not wanting to become "that mom", in my own very personal way, I have become a "that mom" on a very different kind of spectrum.  I seriously look at myself and see a "crazy psycho bitch".  When I step outside of myself and look at myself through other people's eyes, that is what I see.  I may still find joy in places in my life.  I may see my surviving children and love on them and do my best to make sure they know that they matter.  I may not do any number of things other moms before me have done, but boy howdy, have I done some other crazy things that have earned me the title of "crazy psycho bitch".    That may be karma for judging other moms who have grieved before me; I don't know.  Either way, what I have learned is this:  Be YOU.  You can't look at someone else's grief and say, "I am going to do things differently"  because in reality, until you are actually grieving, you have no idea how you are going to react, and you certainly can not and should not compare your actions to others.  All you can do is be the best you you can be in a horrific situation.  Also, be patient with yourself.  You are inadvertently going to hurt others, while trying to heal/help yourself.  No one likes to hurt others, but when you are grieving, it is inevitable.  It just is.  Apologize when you feel you need to, and forgive yourself.  Do not judge yourself harshly.  Love yourself and be gentle.  That is the best thing you can do for yourself.  Also, don't take what other people say about you too personally.  Remember, other people around you are also grieving and dealing the best way they know how.

Thread number two:

There is a tendency of parents to turn their deceased child into a Legend.  Grieving parents have a tendency to set their deceased child on a pedestal for all to see.  They want the world to see how important their child was. They want their child remembered for the amazing things that child did.  Mostly, they just want that child to be remembered.... period.  But in doing so, sometimes it can leave the surviving siblings feeling "less than".  It can have the surviving siblings feeling like they are competing with memory that is just not in the same league as them, and they are still alive.  It is sad.

I have had conversations with my own surviving children about this.  Yes, Nick did some amazing things.  At the age of 25, he played a part in a huge scientific discovery.  That is pretty big.  He had a great reputation with his college professors and colleagues.  That is great, and yes, we should remember that.   But we should also remember the truly horrific things he did.  I'm not talking about murdering people, so maybe "truly horrific" is a bit of an exaggeration.  However, he did make some very poor choices that hurt people.

The summer between his junior and senior years, he was arrested with numerous felony charges for "jockey boxing".  If he had done this in the day time, they would have been misdemeanors; however, at night, they became felonies.  (In case you didn't know, "jockey boxing" is ransacking unlocked cars and stealing little things like lose change, road flairs, or whatever else they can find.)  When it was all said and done, his charges were plead down to a couple of misdemeanors and he plead guilty in return for 6 months of probation and some community service and restitution.  It was supposed to be expunged from his record so no one could find it.  However, the government could still get it, and it haunted him and his career path.

Nick had a horrible temper.  He was quickly enraged.  When he got angry, he was very scary.  Unfortunately, he came by this honestly.  I still feel badly for that (mostly cause Nate has it too.)

Nick also made some poor choices as a husband (but those are not my stories to tell, and I don't know all the details either.)

Then there was his argumentative side.  He was the most stubborn person I had ever met. He was also one of the most opinionated people I have ever met, and his opinion was always right and unwavering.  He was your typical scientific atheist.  He would start an argument for argument's sake and he was not nice when he did it. This is the part of him where I found myself saying, "I love my child, but I don't like him very much."  Yes, you read that correctly.  There were lots of times where I just did not like my child (or at least his behaviors) very much.

All of this to say.. Nick was not perfect.  He may have done some extraordinary things in his young life and made a mark on this world, but he was not a perfect human being worthy of being put on a pedestal.   I am proud of what he accomplished in his short life, and nothing will change that.  But the last thing I want people to do is think he was perfect.  The last thing I want my surviving children to do is to look at their older, deceased brother as this perfect human being that they can not live up to.  I want them to remember their brother for who he was "in total".  I want them to remember the mistakes their brother made.  I want them to remember the anguish Nick caused me.  I want them to remember the times Nick hurt their feelings.  I want them to remember EVERYTHING...not just select things that make them feel as though they will never measure up.

With that said, it is also important to praise the surviving children.  It is important to make mention of their accomplishments.  As a parent of surviving children, it is important to remind the surviving children that they are just as important, if not more important (now) than their deceased sibling.  It is important to make sure that they feel like they matter.  Take time away from grieving to spend quality time with your surviving children.  Spend time one on one and as a family.  Get involved in their lives.... even if they are adults.  Make time to go to lunch with the adult children. Make time to go for a walk or to the dog park (if they have dogs).  Make time to listen to them play their music or talk about their art.  Make time to go their events.  And when you do this, don't spend the whole time talking about the deceased child.  When you are spending quality time with the surviving child, make it about THEM.  Love on THEM.  Make THEM feel special.  That is what they need.  That is what they want.

I will say that I am very proud of my 2 surviving children.  Nate just started a new job last week.  He did one week of training, and just a few days into his new job, they asked him to apply for a permanent position.  (The job he has currently is a seasonal one.)  He was given a certificate of completion for his training and is now working "live" on the phones.  He has a  new sense of purpose in his life and a new sense of pride in his eyes.  I love seeing that.  I love seeing how big his heart is when it comes to his fur baby,Socrates,  and listening to his stories about the adventures at the dog park.  I love watching him mature; which he has done a bunch of in the last year.  He is growing into quite a remarkable young man. His sense of compassion, his passion for music, his sense of humor, his creativity....it is a beautiful thing to watch!    Naomi has also gone through quite a growth spurt in the last couple of years.  This year in school, she has come up against crazy scheduling and extra hard homework and she is handling it like a champ.  Her dedication and sense of commitment is crazy at her age.  She used to be plagued with debilitating anxiety, and this year she not only has it under control but has also expanded her social group.

Thread number three:

(Hopefully this is a shorter one)

After yesterday's blog I realized there were some emotions that were being "weighed" or "balanced".  How do  you go about  feeling "happy" and "sad" at the same time?  Have you tried?  Have you tried sustaining that balancing game for longer than a week or month or even a year?  Maybe balancing is not the right word.  If you look at a scale, if it is in balance, there is no movement.  But if we look at it like a band in harmony, there is give and take with different instruments.  That is the way living with grief is like.  You can feel two different emotions at the same time, but sometimes one is louder than the other.  Eventually, I think, it will be a beautiful piece of music, but right now, it really sounds like 2 kids learning to play the trumpet and clarinet at the same time.  They are loud, clashing, and completely out of control.

I have been thinking a great deal about how children feel when one of their parents dies and the surviving parent remarries.  I watched close family friends go through that.  It was not a good experience. It happened within the first year after our friend died.  It was painful for everyone.  Then I thought about my own mom and the man she started seeing after my dad died. It was awkward meeting him, but I was happy for her (as long as he made her happy).  I think they wanted me to think of him as a "dad figure" but I just couldn't.  I had a dad once.  I didn't need a 2nd dad..especially one that did not share my same value system.  He wasn't a bad man, at all.  Just not one that I was willing to see as a father figure.  He was my mom's beau and I respected him and was friendly with him.  But beyond that, I had no emotional attachment.  I didn't need a new dad.  My mom, on the other hand, felt completely different about his kids and grand kids, and they felt differently about her.  They treated her like family and made her feel  like family.   I wonder if this type of "relationship after loss" is the way I handle all "relationships after loss"?   Maybe I need to spend some time thinking about the people that I have lost and the relationships that have come after them.  Either way, there is that feeling of, "I already had THIS person, I don't need someone to fill in." and "I lose this person but I'm glad that my family has a new person to fill that role."  Being sad for me.. and happy for them.

It's a weird feeling.  Maybe we don't have to feel any certain way about it.  Maybe we can just say, "yay for you" and just walk away.  Why do we have to assign an emotion to it in the first place?  Is there a way to look at it from a detached point of view?  I wonder.    Maybe it is none of our business.. maybe it is not our responsibility to have an emotion about something that really isn't any of our business.  Was it any of my business that my mom had a beau in her life?  She is my mom and I love her, but beyond wanting her to be happy, was who she dated really any of my business?  Did I deserve or have a right to feel an emotion about her dating?  I don't know.


Enough deep thoughts for right now...

As for the white care out front...  My mom and Nick had the same car (only different by the year created).  They both drove a  2 door white Ford Focus.  Nick's was sold a long time ago, but for a while, both of these cars were found in my mom's drive way in Florida.  They looked identical.  Anyway, my mom still has that car and drives it here.  I have never seen her car and thought of Nick.  But today, we left her car parked in my drive way as we went to lunch.  When I drove back up to my house, with my mom in my car, I saw the white Ford Focus in my drive way and I thought.. "Nate is home!)  (Nate never owned the white ford focus... he drives a blue car.  NICK drove the focus.)  My heart started skipping a beat.  Then in an instant it was gone and I was left feeling really sad.  I had to stop my car dead in its tracks and take a breath.  My mom looked at me and asked what was wrong.  I took another breath and explained.  "My brain saw the white Ford Focus.  Logically it new that one of my sons drove a car like that.  It also logically knew that Nick is dead and Nate is my only surviving son.  So it said, "Nate is home" and my heart got excited.  Then it realized it made a mistake and my emotions caught up with my brain process and felt extremely let down when it realized that Nick was dead, and not at my house and that the white car was actually yours."  My poor mom felt so bad.  She apologized, like she could have done something different.  It's just weird that it happened like that.  And yes... a bit sad.

Anyway... there you have it.  Some detangling of emotions that have been tied in knots stuck in my head and chest... as well as a jolt to the heart from the white car out front.    Thanks for reading!

October 9, 2016 An Anniversary of a Different Kind

****Before I start blogging......if you are Nick's widow or are friends with her or are related to her in any way shape or form, please stop reading.  If you continue to read, you are reading knowing that this blog may have something about her, and you agree to NOT hold anything I say against me or go back and ask her questions about what I type.  This blog is for ME and about ME and how I feel about certain situations that she may not even be privy to.  What happens (or doesn't) between us is not open to discussion between anyone else but the two of us.  You are just a 3rd party person reading this blog and have no right or reason to go back to her and start asking questions..that causes harm to her and to me.  Please be mindful and respect my privacy and her's as well.  Her name will never be used in my blog again, and I am doing my best to keep  her and her family/friends from seeing it on Facebook..so if you are reading this..that means you are  either friends and family of mine personally or have talked to me and asked to be allowed to keep reading my blog.....OR...you are following my blog because you want to..not because you saw it posted on Facebook.  Please respect my privacy and her's as well.  Thank you.*******

I have done my best not to live on the anniversary train since Nick's death.  Why?  Because most of the time that just causes extreme anxiety over anticipation of an anniversary just to find out the anniversary itself was not so bad.  That is no way to live.  Grief is hard enough on a day to day basis without causing more grief on top of grief.  (If that makes sense)

But today I was blind sided by a Facebook post that was about an anniversary that has nothing to do with Nick, but it has everything to do with Nick's death.  I jumped on Facebook and began to scroll through my news feed, and one of the first things I saw was a post from Nick's widow.  Today she is celebrating the first anniversary with the new man she has been dating for a year.  

Let's be clear about what this date is.  Today is October 9, 2016.  Nick was killed on November 10, 2014.   We are one month and one day away from the 2 year anniversary of Nick's death.  That really means nothing except the days are getting closer to the anniversary of Nick's death and Tracy and I are REALLY struggling with grief these days.  We are not struggling because we are worried about the anniversary.  We are struggling because, for whatever reason, grief has taken the reigns for now.  Grief is doing some pretty ugly work right now.  It is pretty hard for us to keep it together.  I have not been blogging about things because, to be honest, my mind is so confused about WHY I am upset that I can not put it into words.  I have been upset about so many different things in the last month that I can't figure out where to start, or even if I should.  Some things are about the widow and I am not allowed to express them in a public blog format..at least without some serious word smithing that I am just not up to right now.

Anyway, this isn't about why I have been upset for the last month.  This is about the anniversary of a different kind.

It's not like we didn't know she was dating back then or living with the man now. The relationship isn't new.  It's not a shocker to us.  So why did this post upset me?    I took a screen shot of it, but I just realized it had her name on there.. so I can't post it here.  But let me describe it for you.  It had 5 pictures of her with him.  They were smiling, drinking, cuddling, with other family members as they met each other's families over the year.  And it had a sweet post comment:  "An amazing year.   Thank you for always having my back, loving me when I'm hard to love, and for being so patient and giving.  You light up my life and make my smile shine.  I'm incredibly blessed to have you and grateful to call you mine.  I love you."

None of that is offensive.  None of that is horrible.  And to be fair, I am glad she has someone who loves her.  And if he makes her happy, that is all I have ever wanted for her.  So, why then did it bother me?

This is why.....

She was supposed to be saying those things about MY son.  Those pictures were suppose to be of her and Nick.  She was supposed to be telling Nick, "I love you."  And more to the point, when I commented on that post it was suppose to be about her and Nick not about her and another man (I don't care who that man is/was/whatever).  Typing, "Happy Anniversary.  I'm glad you have someone who loves you and makes you happy"  was probably the 2nd hardest thing I have ever had to type (topped only by having to type that my son was killed).  

Gah!  This sounds so petty and selfish.  But no one prepared me for this.  I wish I had gotten a heads up in a PM that today was their anniversary and she would be making a gushing Facebook post about it.  More, to the point, I wish she had just blocked me from seeing it all together.  She had to have known it was going to sting a bit when we read it.  (I say that after having one hell of a conversation with her about how my blog posts have hurt her because they were public or got back to her even after I tried to protect her from them.)  She was mad at me and asked that I respect her privacy and feelings, but she didn't think to protect our feelings.  Yes, I say "our" because Tracy was just as hurt.  

(Before anyone says, "but you are still blogging about her", Tracy told her that I would be blogging about this subject..warned her..before I had even decided to do it.  Don't get me started on how I feel about having to clear or warn people about my blogs.)  Anyway......

Gah.  I'm too emotional to write this in a calm manner.  I am trying my best.  I am writing this, not because I am upset, but because this is such a valid issue with grieving people.  When someone you love dies and they were married to someone else, watching that someone else move on is down right heart wrenching.  It is gut wrenching.  It is one of the most painful things I have ever had to experience.  You think that when your loved one dies, you hope that their spouse can stay part of your family.  But honestly, it takes a HUGE amount of emotional sacrifice to suck it up and be happy for that person.  Yes, you can be happy.  But it is so hard when you see that person with the new love.  It is so hard to see them be gushy.  It is so hard to see them around town  You are happy they are being loved, but it is a distinct reminder of what you lost.  Reconciling those two things is downright near impossible (at least for me... right now.)  I can't put that into words.  And thanks to today's technology, everyone sees everything on Facebook (if you are friends with people).  But you don't want to "unfriend" someone you have loved for 10 years.  If it's your child in law, you don't want to unfriend them just because their only "crime" is because they fell in love with someone new and found happiness (cause that is what you want for them..and that is what your own child would have wanted for them).  But what about YOU?

How do you protect yourself and keep your own sanity?  When is enough, enough?  When is it time to walk away?  When is it time to say, "I have loved this person.  I still love this person.  I have done what I could in loving memory of my child.  I have done what I could in relation to being this person's parent (in law).  It's time for me to step away and let them live their own life."

I guess it would be different if Nick had children with her.  But they didn't.  There is no blood connecting us.  But I loved her like my own.  I have spent years watching after her....even before she was married to Nick.  When her family would not help with college, we did.  When her family would not help with finances, we did.  When her own father refused to dance the father/daughter dance at the wedding, Tracy stepped up.  When her own family didn't come to Florida to help their grieving daughter, I was there (not only grieving my son but also making sure their daughter was okay while also taking care of my mom's house).  We were her family.  But now....  Now she is celebrating a year with another man. A man she moved in with last February.   There is another family that can take care of her.  Her own family can step up to the plate and care for her.  

Why do I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of her now?  She has moved on.  She is happy with her choice.  I must recognize that and cut the apron strings.  She is not "mine" to care for (in the care taker sense.  I will always love her and who she was to my son.)

So is it possible to go from the "mom" role to the "friend" role?  Is it possible to look at her and forget that she was part of my dead son's life and just be happy that she has found love and happiness without attaching it to the memory of her being married to my son and then losing my son?  Is that possible?  

I think the answer would be:  maybe... in time.  (And maybe if I took down all the pictures of her with our son Nick in them.)  But that time is not now.  I can't right now.  This 2nd year of grief has been the most excruciating year.  The first year was all of the "firsts" and we were still in shock.  The 2nd year, the shock has worn off and now we are just in deep grief.  Tracy and I are dealing with so much right now.  We are doing our best to keep our marriage together in the wake of Hurricane Grief.  So ya, I don't have the emotional energy to look at her posts and be strong and say, "this doesn't bother me."  It absolutely crushes me.   So no.  I am not her friend right now.  I am the grieving mother of her dead husband who saw her post how happy she is with a man who is not my son.  

So what can I do about how I feel?  How can I protect myself?  What is the message out there for other grieving people who might come up against this?  I wish I had a bucket of wisdom to share.  I don't.  The best I have is my own reality in this moment.  I will "unfollow" her on Facebook so I do not see her happy gushy posts.  Of course, that also means I will not see when she is struggling from grief over losing my son.  But I can't be both people right now.  I can't be her care taker.  I don't know how to be the two.  And I have to come first.  Why?  Because if I can not take care of myself, I can not take care of my family.  Also, my own children lost their brother, and it is my job to care for THEM.  The widow has a man in her life that can console her.  She has a sister and a father and her boyfriends family living close by that can console her.  It is not my job.  My job is to care of me and my family.    "Unfollowing" will be how I protect myself.  

What is my message out there to all who are grieving?  Be prepared.  Be prepared for what you know is going to happen eventually.  Whoever loved your loved one, is most likely going to move on.  It is the nature of things.  Your loved one would have wanted their partner to be happy and to find love again.  Your loved one would want you to be happy for them.  However, your loved one would also want you to take care of you.  If you are the parent who lost a child; your job is to take care of you first. You should not sacrifice your feelings so that your child's partner doesn't see how unhappy you are.   As mom's we spend a great deal of our time being the "sacrificial mom".  It is in our nature to sacrifice time for ourselves or even our own feelings in order to keep our family's from being inconvenienced.  Stop that!  Stop that now!  If you are grieving a child, take care of YOU.  No one else is going to do it!  Yes, you have children that need you, but if you keep stuffing your emotions..if you keep sacrificing your own self care, you will explode and it will not be pretty. You are also teaching your family that it is okay to stuff how they are feeling and that their own feelings don't matter.  You are also telling your family that you do not trust them with your emotional well being.  Let your emotions show.  Cry in front of your children and partner.  Allow them to comfort you and to see that it is okay to cry in front of people.  Show them that grief is okay.. no matter how long it has been.  Show them that it is okay to take time to take care of you.  Explain that you need a break from parenting for a moment because you need a "grief time out".  You need time to grieve, cry, express yourself.  By doing this, you empower your family members to care for themselves and ask for what they need too.  

October 5, 2016 Life is a Whirlwind and I'm Caught Spinning

Seriously, the last couple of weeks have had me spinning around in circles of crazy emotions and busy activities.

First there is burlesque.  I performed a couple of weekends ago, and it was amazing.  I already posted about that.  But that weekend was a flurry of football game on Friday.. watching a burlesque performance and dancing on Saturday night and then on Sunday performing.  I know that sounds busy.  But to my brain, it feels even busier.  Living life with the TBI is a bit challenging sometimes and it can take me weeks to recover from a weekend like that.  And it has.  I feel like (a week and a half later) that I might actually be coming out of the fog that weekend created.

However, the insanity that is my life has not stopped.

Naomi is still in the middle of Color Guard/football season.  Last weekend, Tracy and I spent Friday night just hanging out at home.  But Saturday I spent all day at a marching band competition.  Saturday night, we spent the night hanging out at home.  On Sunday evening, we had some friends over for a bar/fire pit night.  So again, we were really crazy busy.

But on Sunday night, Naomi was showing off her rifle spinning skills to our friends and she missed a toss and hit her head with the rifle.  The gave her a concussion.  Yesterday (Tuesday) I took her to the doctor to confirm.  This created a flurry of emails exchanged with coaches, athletic directors, teachers, and the school nurse.  Today she went back to school and the athletic director called me.  She will be benched from Color Guard until she has been cleared by doctors and sports trainers.  She can't begin "return to sport" protocol until she is 24 hr concussion symptom free.  I am not arguing; I want her healed.  But man, this may take her out the rest of the season (which is only a few weeks longer).   I was more worried about her being in school today.  Her head hurts her.  She feels dazed.  And she got a "C" on a calculus test...she would have normally gotten an "A" on.  I don't care about the grade.. I just wish her head felt better.  The grade is just a symptom of how bad she feels.    I'm grateful she has 4 days off of school right now.  Hopefully the 4 days of rest will help her recover quicker.

On top of worrying about Omi, I had my own pre-op appointments for my knee replacement.  I went to my surgeon today just to find out that the insurance has denied my request for surgery saying that it is not medically necessary.  *eye roll*.  The doctor has to prove to them that it is.  They assure me that they will get the approval before my surgery that is scheduled for October 17th.  After that appointment we had to go to the pre-op appointment at the hospital where they did blood work and a staph test.  They also gave me a special soap to shower with the night before and the morning of my surgery.  A couple hours after that appointment, I had knee replacement class.  In class we were shown the components that will be placed in our legs.  It's crazy how big these pieces are and what they have to do to my bones to get these pieces to fit into my leg and make a working joint.  We went over the risks and how to prepare for surgery. We went over how the surgery will happen.  We went over post-op pain management.  This whole thing is a huge big deal.  It is the biggest surgery I have ever had and its just a little intimidating. However, I have the most progressive surgeon in Idaho doing this surgery.  I am grateful for that.  It's quite a bit to let sink in.  47 years old and getting my first knee replacement..in a room filled with people much older than I am.  Ah well. I guess I just play hard.  I will be glad when this is done and I can have my life back.

And while all of this has been happening, Nate started his  new job this week.  Yay!!!  He is up with the rest of us at 7 in the morning.  He has a smile on his face.  I can see how happy he is to have a sense of purpose to his day. And today at work, he was pulled aside by the supervisors and was told to apply for a permanent full time job with the company (his current position was hired as a seasonal gig with the idea it could become permanent).  This is great news!  I am proud of him for being recognized this early on in the game.  Nate has really matured in the last couple of months while he has been unemployed.  I am grateful for this growth and so proud of the man he is becoming.

Our weekends for the next 3 weekends are packed with football, plays, burlesque shows (to watch), homecoming, dinners with friends, family visiting, color guard competitions and somewhere in there towards the end... my actual surgery.  Hopefully, Omi will be getting into the brain injury clinic to help with her head (if it does not heal up quickly on its own).  Life doesn't really slow down around here... and then, the inevitable.  The anniversary of Nick's death is right around the corner next month.  We all know it is coming.....and it is weighing on our hearts..whether we say it to each other or not.

So in this house... we are taking each day one day at a time.  We are taking some deep breaths.  We are resting brains.  We are preparing for surgeries.  We are looking for times to play and laugh.  We are excited for visits from family.  We are excited for progress in our children's lives. We are emotional and contemplative.  We have a whole rollercoaster of emotions....We are human.  So if you see any of us in the next month.. please give us hugs.. please be gentle with us.. please be patient...We may be smiling on the outside, but deep down, there is a sadness even in our laughter.  Thanks!

September 25, 2016 So Much Glitter!!!!!!!!

Driving to Pengilly's Saloon tonight, it was all I could do to contain my excitement.  My body was literally buzzing and I couldn't stop smiling.  The anticipation that comes with a new act, plus the start of a new burlesque season had my heart over flowing!

I didn't realize just how much I had missed burlesque season. I didn't realize just how much Burlesque means to me.  But man, have I missed it!

Sure, I spent some time this summer taking workshops and being surrounded by some of my burlesque family, but going to the shows and seeing our audience, and feeling that energy is the most incredible thing.  There is such a beautiful exchange of energy at a Burlesque show.

I know there are some people that think, "You just get up on a stage and take off your clothes.  You are just a stripper."  But it is so much more than that.  It starts with this spark of an idea.  Whether its a song or a story or a costume piece, and then it builds from there.  It's performance art from the onset.

Tonight, I performed a brand new piece.  It is one that I started while working on a workshop with Frankly Frankie.  The inspiration for this piece came while I was on a burlesque trip to Colorado with Mimi and Frankie.  The original idea was to take the story "Teddy Bear's Picnic" (that I used to tell on stage) and mix it with music.  But then I decided I didn't want to record the storytelling part of it, and I would just use the Jerry Garcia version of the song Teddy Bear Picnic and part of the original Bear Necessities from Jungle Book.  Thanks to Dan Costello, we mashed the two songs together and the art started flowing from there.  The costume creation was some of the most challenging I have done to this date.  It started with the idea of creating fur cage panties and a fur covered bra.  Then it just kinda took on a life of its own.  I created the cage panties.  I created a little bear tail sewn onto a thong that went on under the cage panties.  I covered a bra with fur; that was an experience all on its own!  Then the idea of creating honeycomb shaped pasties happened.  I never could get the honey comb right, so it ended up being a plain circle.  However, the honey dipper tassels dipped in gold glitter worked out fantastic (once I figured out the mechanics of it all).  Once I had that figured out, I looked through my belly dance costumes to find the right skirt and top to cover all of that up to go from "little girl" to "teddy bear" (as the song implies).    Then it was figuring out how to get the ants  (raisins), in the act and when to strip and when to be playful and when to dance and what other props I need.  There is so much that goes into an act.  It truly is an art.   And in Idaho, our art is being stifled by archaic liquor laws that say women (not men) have to have from the top of the areola and down completely covered.  That is so difficult (without wearing a complete bra..which are not so pretty).  (For the record, men can go completely topless in a bar.. stupid sexist laws.)  But I digress....

Once I had all of the costuming done and the choreo figured out, I had another brilliant idea.  "What if I created a bee hive and filled it with gold glitter and then dumped it on my head like a bear digging his paw into a hive to get to the honey?"  It took some thinking and looking around my house for how I could do this, but I did indeed make the most amazing beehive filled with gold glitter!  I also had little gold bees sewn into my little bear ears and onto my gold bra between my breasts.  I made a huge bee necklace.  It was beautiful and perfect.  The whole costume was so damned cute!

And when the music started, and I came sneaking out wrapped up in a cloak so no one could see my bear ears or my bear costume, I could feel the little girl come to life on that stage.  I saw my audience smile.  I heard them laugh.  I saw them get taken in by the cute little girl on stage who transformed into a playful teddy bear right before their eyes.  When the teddy bear played on the big red yoga ball, they all laughed and played along.  And when I chased my little bear tail around in circles, they giggled.  And with my back to the audience as the fur bra came off and I picked up the beehive to shake it around over my head while I looked over my shoulder and flirted and teased them, I could feel their anticipation......  Then, it happened.  I punched a hole in the bottom of the hive, turned around to face the audience and dumped the "honey" (glitter) all over my body body and they all cheered as I spun my honey dipper tassels.  Success!!!!!!!

Those moments on stage are pure magic.  The give  and take with the audience is pure bliss!  I adore the crowd of regulars.  Having the season start back up is like a huge family reunion, and I am so grateful for them!!!!  I am grateful to Frankly Frankie for providing us with such amazing opportunities.  I love the people I share the stage with.  I love the hugs the kisses the laughter that happens back stage.  I love the family that we create.

And this season, 2 things happened that make me feel so special!  First, I have been struggling with finding a "tag line".  In  Roller Derby, many times your derby name is given to you.  It is like a right of passage.  And I read somewhere that a tag line for burlesque is often given to you by a mentor.  Well that is what happened this week.  Frankly Frankie came up with the perfect tag line for me based on an act that I do (screw it) as well as my silly quirky acts that I keep coming up with... "Leazetta Rose, the screw ball of the Boise Burlesque Scene."  Yes.... that fits me perfectly!!!!  I spend so much of my time being serious.. but on stage, I love being silly and making people laugh!  It's perfect, and I love it!  The other thing that happened tonight, someone asked me for my autograph.  He is a regular to the shows.  He attended the Marvel vs DC show (where I performed in the opening..pre show act) and he asked me to autograph the poster.  Wowzers.  I have never had to sign my stage name for an audience member before.  That felt amazing!  In the last couple of months, people have started recognizing me as a burlesque performer (while I am in street clothes).  That is so crazy to me!

My heart is over flowing tonight!  The amount of love I feel from my burlesque family is amazing.  They truly are my chosen family and I love spending time with them!

My only "complaint" (if I can call it that)... no video was taken tonight of my performance and I didn't get any pictures of me in my bear costume or with my beautiful behive before I punched a whole in the bottom of it.... however, I did get some fun pictures from back stage and with one of my beautiful sisters who did not perform tonight.

 

November 22, 2016 There Is Value In This Pain

First let me say that the last couple of days, maybe even the last couple of weeks have been down right hellish, and I have made quite a spectacle on Facebook.  But you should really see the spectacle I have made in my real life.  I wonder what the neighbors think when they see me running around like a mad woman or hear me screaming and wailing in my back yard.  Facebook gets off easy.

As a writer, as an artist, as a human being I have been met with challenges.  Whether it is dealing with writers block, trying to figure out choreography, or how to make the vision I have in my head become a reality in a piece of art, or just how to figure out how I can keep putting one foot in front of another in order to finish a long distance race... I have always been able to meet the challenges.  So why then, do I feel as though meeting the request (which is not really unreasonable) of someone I love to be excruciatingly painful and feel it is near impossible.  Why do I feel like granting this request feels as though it is censoring my feelings.  Why do I feel as though I am a 3 year old child having its favorite toy being ripped away and then throwing a huge temper tantrum?  Why can't I meet this challenge gracefully, elegantly and peacefully?

Here is what I know.  Grief is selfish.  Grief is hell.  Grief can have a very special way at tearing apart a family.  I'm not talking about just my immediate family.  I have watched it tear apart many families over my life time.  I have seen siblings tear each other apart.  I have seen good marriages crumble to the ground.  I have seen best friends turn on each other after the death of one of their peers.  Why?  Because when people hurt, they look for ways to express it and sometimes they choose to take it out on those that they love.

When one of the women in my close knit social circle died from brain cancer, I was also dealing with my own Dissociative Identity Disorder from something completely unrelated.  We were part of a very close knit circle of friends.  But we all seemed to rally around this friend when she was dieing.  We sat by her bedside in her bedroom in her  home.  We sat around the kitchen table with her kids and her  husband and laughed and drank and just kept everyone company.  We had the 4th of July party in her back yard, with her in her bed dieing...because that is what she would have wanted... she loved the 4th of July and always had a party there where everyone could watch the fireworks from her back yard.  But once she died, anger took hold and ripped apart our circle.  Or more specifically, I was a target for someone's anger.

My therapist, at the time, warned me.  "Martha, when there is a group like that, there is going to be someone who becomes the focal point for the anger that they feel for the loss of the loved one.  Just be prepared."  I thought, "nah, that won't happen."  But sure enough, it did.  And it was directed right at me.  I not only lost my friend who died, but I also lost my social circle.. my support group.. not just for grief for but real life.  And it happened at a time, when I was in emotional need to begin with.  I never felt so alone..... until now.

I realize I am not perfect.  I realize that I over share.  I realize that when I think I am talking about my own life  (which happens to include other people..cause I'm not a hermit) that other people are mentioned in my blog and what I have said has hurt people that I love.  I am sorry that I hurt them.  It was never my goal to hurt anyone from my blog posts.

I have been called disrespectful.  I have been likened to a Psycho Bitch.  I have been asked to completely rethink the way I write my blogs and the words I choose.  I am doing my very best to wrap my head around this.  I saw this great quote today..."From the outside looking in, you can never understand.  From the inside looking out, I can never explain."  That is what I feel about what I write in my blogs.  My blogs are very personal to me and never directed at anyone.  They are about my own experiences and how I feel about those experiences.  When I have tried to protect people from my blog, other readers of my blog have gone to people mentioned in my blog and stirred up shit with them.. when they would have never known it was there (unless someone brought it to their attention).  I have never meant to trash talk anyone, but rather express my feelings about things that have happened.  I realize now that no matter what my intentions were, other people perceive them differently and my words hurt people.  And I'm sorry for that.

I have considered starting a new blog all together, but the idea of separating my grief part of my blog from my real life felt like a part of me was being cut off.  I felt like creating a new blog under fictitious names was not being authentic, and if there is one thing important to the grief process of healing, it is being authentic to yourself and with your feelings.  I felt like I couldn't talk about my son Nick by his name and that hurt more than anything.

All in all, I feel like no one understands how important this blog is to me.  No one understands how important it is to me to be authentic.  No one understands how censoring myself hurts.  Yet, at the same time, I am expected to understand how my words can and have hurt people so I must change.

This is me.  My writing is an extension of me.  But I will do what is best.  I will look at this as a challenge to become a better writer.. to find better words... to think and re-think what I write.

I will do my best to let go of resentment of people who read my blogs and stir up trouble (even if they didn't mean to).   I will do my best to let go of resentment I have in regards to  how this is affecting my relationship with my husband.

The only safe way to express all of my thoughts is to keep it private, but I am not a private person.  The only safe way for me to express all of my thoughts is to hand write it in a journal, but nothing I write is legible thanks to my TBI.  But here's the deal.  I don't write just for me.  I write because I have people tell me that what I write helps them understand or deal with their own grief.  I write because what I put out there provides value to other people.  My pain provides value.

There is that saying, "You have freedom of speech, but you are not free from the consequences from using that freedom."  So, here I am suffering the consequences of using my free speech.  And it is the love that I have for my family that now challenges me to be a better person.. to be a better writer.. to find a safer way to express my feelings.