February 14, 2015 Today Was The Day!!!!

Run 4 Luv 1/2 Marathon.........

This was such a fabulous day!  The weather was PERFECT for a February.  It got up over 60 degrees and sunny!  Wowzers!  I got to see lots of my running friends and get lots of hugs and see lots of smiles. It felt amazing to be surrounded by runners again. But more importantly, I got to share Omi's first 1/2 marathon.

I will be the first to admit that our training was NOT what it should have been.  We only got in our long training days. Which meant we only trained on the weekends with  5 mile, 7 mile, 9 mile and 9 1/2 mile walks.  We did nothing during week.  The schedule after school is just too crazy around here. On our very first 5 mile walk, we set a goal of finishing the 1/2 marathon in 3 hours 45 minutes. Since we were walking the entire way, I figured that would be a great place to start.

Once we arrived at the park, pre-race was spent catching up with friends, introducing Naomi and taking lots of pictures.

Then before we knew it, 3....2....1... GO!  And we were off on our grand adventure!

I am not a newbie to distance running/walking.  I have done several 1/2 marathons and several marathons, a 10 K, several 5K and one ultra.  I know how to train. I know how to prep.  Most importantly, I know how to run a smart race.  Somehow, in the last year, all that knowledge and wisdom went out the window!  I was too excited to be back on the course and too excited to share it with Omi.  Rule number 1: Run the race at your own pace.  Do not get caught up in the start of the race hype!  Run your pace!  Nope.  Our first mile was 14:53!  Holy smokes!!!

In our training, our fastest sustained pace was 16:23!  The next 3 miles were 15 minutes and change.  We then slowed down to our 16 minute mile pace. We were hauling butt, and the first part of this race, I kept checking on Omi. I knew we were busting tail and going faster than she was prepared for.  She didn't complain. She struggled.  I could see it on her face.  I kept telling her how strong she was.  We celebrated each mile with a high five.  She was rocking this race.  Even when she started feeling like her breathing and heart (the start of a possible panic attack) started acting up, I encouraged her to keep breathing and realize she is safe.  She breathed through it and kept moving.  She is such a rock star!!!

We finally reached the turn around 1/2 way point.  We were so excited.  We had even passed some people at this point. We were feeling strong.  But all of a sudden, I started to feel like I was going to puke!  I was dizzy and I was getting chilly.  All of these are signs of dehydration. I had been so worried about her getting dehydrated that I guess I wasn't drinking enough myself.  I was drinking... every mile I drank.  The tummy issues could be that we had been going so fast for so long and not trained for that pace. It could have also been the Gatorade, which I never drink when I run.  I'm not entirely certain.  What I did know was that I needed to slow down and get my body back in check.  I was also having some extreme pain in my toes. Usually, the pain starts around mile 3 and goes away by my 7.  But it was only getting worse.  I was struggling. I didn't want to say anything to Omi.  I just slowed down our pace.  I guess she noticed cause she asked me how I was doing.  I told her I felt like puking.  Her response:  "Don't puke on me!"  Gee, thanks, kid!  Then she asked what we could do to help my tummy and I told her that I slowed down our pace already and I just need to breathe.  She told me to listen to my body.

All of the advice I had given to her over the last few weeks, she was repeating back to me.  Complete with, "Mom, its okay if we slow down. It's not about how fast we go, just about finishing the race."

She kept checking on me.  She kept telling me how strong I was.  She kept encouraging me.

At midway point, my daughter went from being the one who needed to be encouraged to being strong, and encouraging me.  I saw the change in her the minute we reached the mid way point.  All of a sudden, she had an air of confidence and strength she didn't have a mile before.  And now here she was carrying me......

We got to mile 10 and she said, "Just a mere 5K left, Mom, You can do it."  My response: "I fucking love you!"  I meant it.  I could not have been prouder in that moment.  

She continued to cheer me on and encourage me. The tummy issues went a way and we picked up the pace as best we could in order to keep the tummy at bay.  We reached the home stretch and we pushed it.  We got to the last 100 feet and we took off in a sprint to cross the finish line together!

We did it!!!  3:40:28 was our finish time!  We beat our goal time!

On the way home, I asked her how she felt.  "In pain and so great!"  That's my girl!   And all night she has been wearing this new found confidence!    She is wearing her sore muscles like a badge of courage... cause that is what the pain is.  She is freakin' amazing!

As for me? I think I have a stress fracture in my left foot.. in my toes. I can't stand on my foot without extreme pain.  For that matter, my foot is in extreme pain without standing on it.  I guess I will be seeing my foot doctor next week. Joy!

February 13, 2015 A Day Late.....

But certainly, not a dollar short!

So I have been meaning to type this in a blog, but I always keep forgetting.

The night we were told about Nick's accident, we immediately got on the phone to get air plane tickets to Florida.  I thought I had counted properly, but when Tracy got the confirmation emails, we realized we missed getting a ticket for Naomi.  This has happened so many times over the last 3 months.  I miscount how many people are in my family.  The other day, I made dinner, and miscounted so badly, that I ended up eating a frozen dinner while the rest of my family ate what I had made.

I don't know if anyone has ever had this issue before.  It seems odd to me.  I don't know if it is because Nick hasn't live at home for years.  I don't know if its because Suzy has moved in.  I don't know if its a combination.  I do know that the night we paid for air plane tickets. My thinking was, "I had 4 in my family (me, Nate, Omi and Tracy) and I had just lost a child so I only need 3 tickets."  But I have 6 in my family (including Suzy).  I do not know what was going on in my head.  And the other night when I made dinner, I was like, "I have 5 in my family and one is gone so I have 4".  But I have 5 living here.  This happens all the time to me now.  It's not because I forget people in my family.  It's not because I don't count people as part of my family when they are not here.  I just have a hard time counting now that Nick is gone.  I'm sure it will get better and back to normal as time goes by, but for right now it is darn frustrating!

Okay.. now that I have gotten that said......

Yesterday morning started out brilliantly with the box of Nick's articles arriving.  They must have came the day before but no one told me.  I saw them when I came back from taking Omi to school.  My hands shook as I opened the box.  It was if I was holding the holy grail or something.  Then his lab mates posted a video of the interview the lab did regarding Nick's research. It was amazing. But all I could think was, "If Nick had been alive, it would have been him talking instead of Samaneh (probably)."  And then they ended with a dedication to Nick telling how he died.  I bawled like a baby.  I could not be any prouder of Nick.

The rest of my day was spent getting ready for Suzy's birthday which is Sunday.  I had so much fun shopping for her!!!

We took the whole family out to steak and 'gitas last night to celebrate Nick's article and to kick off Suzy's birthday weekend. It was fun to see the kids laugh and the family to be together.  Man I love my kids.  Each one of them makes me proud in so many different ways.  I know I talk about Nick alot in these blogs, but each one of my kids have something special!!!!  Nate has this amazing talent of working with people. He has such a great attitude around people.  He is creative and brilliant. I love to hear him singing and playing his guitar!   Omi just got on the honor roll.  She is smarter than all get out.  And she has recently been stepping outside of her comfort zone to train for a 1/2 marathon.  She is growing by leaps and bounds in confidence and strength.  Suzy has such a deep soul.  She is compassionate and strong.  She is so freakin' funny.  I love them all.

My life is blessed with an amazing family!!!

February 12, 2015 Some Great News Today!!!

My plans for today went like this: Choreograph Burlesque Performance (at least the 1st half), practice over and over and over again and then practice my belly dance routine.  Followed by coffee with a friend.  Followed by getting Omi to therapy. Sounded like a pretty easy day to me.  And it was.  It's nice to have those every once in a while.

This morning as I sat on my couch catching up with Facebook and not doing much of anything, I got a text from Omi with a picture of an invitation. She received an invite to the Meridian High School Honor Roll Breakfast.  We have not received her grades yet, but she made the Honor Roll!!!  She is in honor's core classes (English, Math, Biology).   She works hard.   I am proud of her.  But I am proud of her for more than just good grades.  Getting on the Honor Roll with a perfect life without challenges is accomplishment enough. But she has had one heck of a semester in school.  First she had to deal with the obnoxious rumor that went around about her that stressed her out and made her cry in school.  Then Nick died and she missed over a week of school.  Add to that her social anxiety, general anxiety and PTSD. She is one amazing young woman.  Most kids would crumble under this pressure.  Their grades would tank and they would not be able to function.  Losing her brother is still very very hard on her. Yet, she didn't just manage to keep school work together. She excelled!!!

When Omi sent me that message today, I cried for her. She has a goal. Her goal has been to take honors classes and graduated from high school with cords.  And today she realized she is well on her way to reaching this goal.  She is one smart and determined young woman!  I admire her!

Of course, I told her to keep this filed away in her examples of "This is how awesome I am" memory drawer.  If she ever doubts how strong she is, she only needs to remember this... getting on the Honor Roll even while dealing with the anxieties, bullying and grieving her big brother.

As if that wasn't enough amazing news for one day....

Suzy came down stairs with tears in her eyes.  She had just heard from the personal injury lawyers we retained after Nick's accident.  They have finally come to a final number in the settlement.  We had the numbers for personal and property injury from the insurance settlement. But we also found out how much the woman who hit and killed Nick was worth. She is not a struggling senior citizen. She isn't a millionaire, but at 83 years old, she has plenty in her pockets and enough to leave her kids sitting pretty if she died today. So we did ask for her to kick in some cash on top of the insurance.  We asked for a certain amount.  They came back with a counter offer 25K less than we had originally asked. Suzy sent them back to make another offer. The result came back with the original number we asked for.    This is so bitter sweet.  We are grateful that Suzy will have the money to be cared for.  She has enough money to make sure the medical bills are covered. She has enough money to set herself up for success for life on her own.  But no amount of money will bring Nick back to her or to us.  However, it is great news. It's one less weight on her shoulders.   One more thing we can check off the list.  Now we just need probate to be over with for her.  *sigh*

And, of course, because I can't stay serious for too long, I said to Suzy, "Suzy, you have just won the settlement you have been working on???!!!!!  What are you going to do next????"......I answered for her.. "I'm going to Disney World!!!"  We laughed.. because, well, it's true.  We ARE going to Disney World in May when we go back to Florida for Nick's college graduation, where she will walk the stage to receive his diploma.

We hugged and we cried today. Cried for the man that we loved and lost. We cried from relief. We cried because Nick would be so happy and proud for Naomi.

Even as I type this, I cry.  Like I said, no amount of money will bring back my boy.  I would take him over all the riches in the world! I'm pretty certain Suzy would too.

Then I was off to coffee with my friend Kristine.  She lost her brother not too long ago.  We both agree that grief is a weird and strange thing.  What we learn about ourselves in these experiences is amazing.   Grief is almost a beautiful thing. It is complex. It is life changing. It is a profound time of growth and learning.   I don't wish it on my worst enemy, but for those of us who have lost a child or someone so very close to us, there is gold hidden in the mountain called Grief.

February 11, 2015 Bright Sunshiny Day

Today started out with Omi coming down the stairs saying, "Mom!!!  It's going to be sunny this weekend!!!"  Which in translation means she is excited enough about her 1/2 marathon this Saturday that she has been checking the weather.  This made me smile.  I am so excited for her to experience this race and the continued growth it will bring her!

I really wanted to go on a bike ride on the greenbelt today.  But I didn't want to go alone.  I really wanted to take Nate and Suzy with me to stop for beers.  But Nate didn't want to go. It ended up being just me and Suzy.  It was such a beautiful day on the greenbelt.  Poor girl's mountain bike couldn't keep up with my street bike.  I felt for her.  But that was okay. I really didn't mind going slow.  I don't need to tire my legs out before a race on Saturday.    So it was the perfect pace.  The food and drink at Lucky 13 were amazing.  We laughed today. And we even cried today.  We spent time talking about the memorial plaque for FIT, the insurance settlement they are still negotiating and plans for Nick's graduation weekend in May.  It's like we are holding our breath till these things are done.....    But after lunch, we were back on the bikes and back to laughing and enjoying the beautiful day talking about hiking and more cycling.

I am also very excited that we have decided that Omi and I are definitely going to Salt Lake City with the belly dance sisters on March 6th and 7th. We will be performing on the 7th.  I can not wait!!!!  Omi is ecstatic!  This will be a great time for the 2 of us just to hang with our sisters and have a girlie weekend :).

It was also decided today that Tracy and I will use our "Romantic Interlude" gift certificate we got for Christmas on the 20th of this month... couples massage and pedicures!  And we will be getting a nice hotel room with an amazing hot tub in our room.  Time for just the 2 of us to chill.  It will be nice.

And I also got a very special package today.  New amazing trail running shoes. One of my friends is an ambassador for Topo Athletic.  She suggested a pair of amazing shoes for me.  She knows how difficult it is for me to find shoes, and WHAM!  These things fit me perfectly!  I can not wait to hit the trails with them!!

So ya.. it's been a great day! If I have one complaint it's that people who mean well, should really keep their "mean well" to themselves.  I'm not sure why some Christians feel it is necessary to tell you that if you are feeling emotionally down that you would feel better if you had a relationship with Jesus.  *sigh*  How does THAT make anyone feel any better? It doesn't.  If everyone knows you are Christian, then if they have a question about becoming Christian, they will come to you and ask. You do not need to tell them (when they are feeling badly) that if you were a Christian you would feel better.  It doesn't work that way!!!!!!  It just doesn't!   It may for some people.  I know several people who are Christian and truly believe that their relationship with Jesus is what gets them by in very hard times.  I, myself, am a firm believer in prayer.  Do I pray to Jesus? No, I do not. But I do find peace in my prayers.  I believe there is peace in ANY religious faith if you believe in it.  But it is not my place to tell someone, "Well, if you would just believe the way I do, your worries would be gone or you won't feel lonely."  And it's unproductive to tell someone who is hurting and voicing their hurt and asking for support to tell them.. "Well if you only believed in Jesus......"

Here's the thing.  I believed in Jesus for over half of my life.  I called myself a Christian for over half of my life.  And there were PLENTY of times when I felt lonely. There are PLENTY of times that Jesus didn't come rescue me from horrible abuse. There are PLENTY of times that my relationship with Jesus did not save me from trying to kill myself.    And don't dare tell me.. "Well you just didn't listen to him."  or "Well, you just weren't Christian enough."  That is bullshit!

Bottom line, If you see someone hurting and you know they are not Christian.... Better yet, if you see someone hurting and you know they do NOT want you talking to them about your Christian faith, then either walk away or say something like, "I will keep you in my thoughts.  I love you."  You can even say, "I will keep you in my prayers." (yes, that is acceptable)  THAT is how you help someone.  It's also the way to salvage your relationship with the person who does not share your faith.

*sigh*  Once again, Ladies and Gentlemen, have I mentioned I have an anger management issue???

February 10, 2015 It's Been 3 Months....

Seriously, I will be glad when the 10th of the month doesn't make me catch my breath.

Last night I knew this day was coming.  It's kind of like when you are a kid and you just can't wait until the next day cause you know something awesome is going to happen. Like the night before your birthday and you know there is this huge party with all of your friends and family surrounding you.  Only, *this* anniversary is COMPLETELY opposite!   Instead of excited, I felt anxious. Instead of birthday cake and balloons and presents, I really wanted to figure out HOW we were going to get through another 10th of the month.

In the back of my head I kept saying, "I'm gonna make it through this. I am feeling pretty great about life.  I will be fine." But the reality of it is.....I had to take pills to go to sleep last night and this morning it was the first thought on my mind.  I worried how Omi would be this morning. She seemed okay. I worried about how Tracy would be this morning, and he was about as expected...wasnt' sure he was going to make it through the day (and in the end, he came home at lunch.) I worried about how Nate would handle today; he had a horrible night last night. This morning, he was not much better.  And I worried about Suzy...and she was as expected.  And me? Well.  I was not as expected.  I had a difficult morning.  I was very sad this morning.  And when I jumped in the shower to meet Tracy for lunch, I found myself crying.

There are some memories that are just too precious and you don't realize how precious those events are when they are happening, but when something like losing your child happens, all of a sudden EVERY chance you got to spend with that college aged child who lives out of state becomes sooo sooooo very precious!  A couple of years ago, we decided to take our vacation to Texas.  At the time, we thought it was because we didn't think Tracy's dad was going to live much longer. Tracy's brother and his family joined us there as well.  And for the first time in a VERY LONG time, we had the bulk of all of us together.   It was this vacation that I was remembering as I was taking a shower.  And it dawned on me... we thought it would be our last vacation with Leonard, and it actually came down to, the last family outing for Nick. And I cried.

The book I read, The Worst Loss, suggested doing something to honor the anniversaries of the death of the child lost. IT doesn't have to be big.  It could be something as simple as lighting a candle. So today, I spent most of my day trying to figure out how to bring my family together on this 3 month anniversary.  And it was decided... a fire pit. Roasting hot dogs, making s'mores, and drinking beers and round a fire pit. It is what Nick would have wanted. All of the kids agreed it sounded like a great idea. And indeed, it was.  It was the perfect evening with the kids. Great, chill music.  Laughter. Stories.  Food.  I watched the change of expression on the faces of my children.  This fire pit was healing. And now.. at 10:40 at night, they are all up stairs laughing. It's a good thing.

February 9, 2015 Wings and Things

I woke up today feeling hopeful, yet I am ending today on a rather sad note.  In between was pretty awesome though.

So about 2 weeks ago, I went in with Nate to get his eyes checked and had them check out my glasses since they seemed to not be right.  I was correct.  My prescription was incorrect.  Today I went to pick up my new lenses and I'm walking around like I'm drunk. I actually almost puked from being so dizzy from the new glasses.  I am suppose to wear them for a week or so to see how my eyes adjust.  Oy!  I really hope my eyes adjust and this is the right prescription.  I have never had so many problems with a pair of glasses in my life.

I also picked up a letter from my mom's mortgage company.  The letter sent me into a tail spin.  It looked like the stuff I sent them to take care of her house wasn't received or something.  Instead of freaking out, I gathered all of the paper work and made a phone call.  The lady on the phone said everything is going well for the house wrap up and she doesn't know why I received that letter.  *sigh*  That was helpful.  The house should be completely closed in the next couple of weeks.  Yay!

I also picked up some dowels for my new Isis wings that did not come with the rods.  I put the rods in and tried on my new Isis wings. I am so excited to choreograph my number with them.  I do not have the mirrors big enough for this.  LOL. I need a wall of mirrors to choreo and test this out!  I also found the perfect song for the choreo and story I want to tell!  I am sooooo freakin' excited.  Yay for another burlesque routine..only this one is all my own creation. Can NOT wait!

I am also very grateful that Mom is living here in Idaho where I can keep an eye on her. We finally got her into Physical Therapy. The PT said it will take about 4 weeks to get her shoulders moving again.  As soon as she has them moving again, we will get her back in the gym!  Yay!

I even connected and cleared some space with a friend today and made plans with another friend for coffee later this week. I am getting back out there.  I am trying to get life back on track...really I am.

All of this is great........then.... there... is.. Nate.

Nate is really struggling.  REALLY struggling.  His car is not working so he can't just up and go where ever he wants. Not to mention he has not job at the moment so no money for gas anyway.  He has a job he is waiting to hear about orientation so he can start.  He asked if he could use our car, but I told him "no" cause I thought Tracy was leaving. But then Tracy decided not to go and by the time that decision was made, Nate was already way too down in the dumps and just begging me to let him sleep.  *sigh*  I don't know how to help him. I see him hurting. I know he misses his brother so deeply. I tried to get him to go out and he tells me he has no one to hang out with.  I asked him about his best friend Izzy and all he could say was, "I don't know." Nate spends all of his time in his bedroom.  He rarely goes out.  I don't know what to do or how to help him.  My heart aches for him.

I don't know how to put my family back together again... or how to keep them holding on.  I wish I could bring  Nick back.  I wish all of this was just a horrible night mare.  I wish Nate's friends didn't live so far away.  I wish a whole bunch of different things.  Where's that genie and that magic lamp????

February 8, 2015 Lazy Sunday Morning

Nothing all that exciting happened today.  I have been a little introspective for the last 2 days. I have been struggling. I'm not depressed.  But there are parts of my life that, I don't know, just kinda get to me.

I think people see me in a certain way, and that way is so different than the way that I see myself.

With Nick dieing, I have witnessed friendships respond differently than I thought they would.  Either in being more supportive or in kinda of being absent.  People surprise me.  I am not taking it very personally.  What I have learned is that I had a son die and so may people just do not know how to relate to me.  They are afraid to talk to me.  They are afraid of upsetting me.  Or they are just clueless and awkward...my grief is a reflection of their own fear.  I get that.  I also get that it isn't my issue. It's theirs.  I have enough on my plate without having to worry about why certain people stop talking to me or stop reaching out.  I also realize that people may reach out once and I am not in a place to see them and they finally just stop asking.

So, to my friends who may have asked me to coffee and I have said, "yes, but later" Or I have not actually made real plans.  Please keep trying with me.  Please don't leave me behind.  I may not be the best in making plans right now, but keep asking  me. You will catch me at a good time one of these times and I would be glad to go out.  But keep in mind, when you ask me, please have a specific date or two for me to choose from.  Saying, "Let's make a plan" and leaving it to me, just isn't going to work right now.  I am not great at making plans. It can over whelm me.  But if you call me with a couple of options, I can check my calendar and will be able to say yes or no.

There are a couple of other things that people have said to me or about me that I just kinda have a hard time with.  Mostly, I just don't see the same thing in me that people see.  People tell me that I am this confident beautiful sexy woman.  They tell me that they admire me for being comfortable in my own skin and doing belly dance and burlesque.    You know back before my back injury, I would have agreed with them completely.  Now, with the weight gain from lack of exercise and emotional eating, I do not feel so confident in my own skin. Yes, I still stance, but I do it BECAUSE I don't feel confident.  It is a tool for me TO feel confident.  Those kinds of dances and costuming help me to feel more confident and sexy.  But I will tell you right now that I am struggling HARD with my own self image.

I'm sure it is easy for people on the outside to say.. "Well just eat better and get back to exercising."  See the thing is, back in 2011 it WAS easy for me to stop eating bad-for-me-foods and to get to running and losing weight.  But ever since I had to give up on running, it has been difficult.  I KNOW what I need to do to lose weight and get healthy, but for whatever reason, it is increasingly more difficult to DO what I know I need to do.  And its a horrible cycle. I also know that I am guilty of stuffing my emotions with food right now.  *shrug* It's the truth.

The other thing people say to me or about me often is that I am so strong and courageous.  I'm not.  Nick died.  What are my options?  Crumble to pieces or keep moving forward and work through this pain as best I can.  It's not like life can just stop.  I have a family.  I have responsibilities. I need to stay functioning.  I am doing what I need to do.  I cry when I need to cry.  I get angry when I need to get angry.  I stuff my face with bad-for-me-food to feel better alot of times.  I walk and train for a 1/2 marathon to try and get my life back to some kind of normal.  I dance to bring joy into my life. I laugh when I can laugh.  I live my life...because the alternative is just too bleak and rather impossible.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep thinking about all of this. I cried myself to sleep thinking about how painful yesterday was.    Every decision that was made yesterday felt like it was peeling off scabs from my healing and by the time I got to bed last night, I felt as though everything was fresh and I was hemorrhaging!  I cried myself to sleep last night.

This morning, I was will hung over from the emotional pain, but with Tracy's help, I was able to find my way out of he fog.  Today I spent most of my day hanging with Omi.  We went to the mall and then cuddled up on the couch to watch "Jane the Virgin".  Then we found out that her boyfriend was rushed to the hospital.  She has been crying for a good part of the night.  He just got home and called her.  I guess he has some kind of heart condition and has been released and told to check with his regular doctor.  *sigh*

Seriously, Universe, can you just give us a break?