February 7, 2015 Spring in the Middle of Winter

I woke up to a beautiful blue sky and the sun shinning.  It was a gorgeous day!  It got up to 68 degrees here in Boise...and in February!  Crazy!  I know these are rare days, so they must be taken advantage of.

We took Omi to voice lessons and instead of our usual hang out a the bagel shop, we went for a walk at the MK Nature Center.  It was bitter sweet.  Tracy suggested it, and I didn't think much about it until we arrived.  It was the place we took our kids last summer to take family photos.  I walked by the 3 owls where the kids put their faces in to take pictures and my heart about broke.  I did my very best to stay present during this walk and enjoy the beautiful day with my hubby.  

The park was crowded with families.  Little ones were running around and parents were talking to them about what they were seeing.  It took me back to our first years here 12 years ago and our kids running through the paths.    Tracy and I sat and watched and listened to the birds as memories came and went.  

It was time to leave and as we walked passed the owls again, I slip my hand over the biggest owl.. the one Nick put his face through over the summer.  My way of sending him love.

We decided that after picking up Omi and then her boyfriend, we would go for a motorcycle ride.  Once again.. bitter sweet.  It was a beautiful day.  And it was my first ride on a motorcycle since Nick died on his.  I wasn't sure  how I would feel.  I had been kind of dreading that first ride.  However, there was no fear while on the bike.  (Which is what I thought I would be afraid of.)  Instead, just lost of memories of Nick.  I had to keep bringing myself back to the present and enjoy the ride.  I also did some texting with a friend to kind of keep me distracted.  But it didn't take me long to put away the phone and just be present with my thoughts and the day.  

Tracy and I stopped at Initial Point in the Kuna desert and hiked up for a bit.  It was getting cold and very windy.  But it was a nice time out side.  I needed that. Tracy needed that. It was good.

But still.. all in all.. I was pensive today.  And that is okay.  

I also realized, while I was texting my friend today, that I had been kind of escaping my world while texting him.  I thought he didn't know about Nick. He never told me he knew.  Yes, he is on facebook, but never done anything with it so I didn't think he saw it.  Anyway, we have been texting alot lately and it was fun to talk to someone who didn't know about Nick.  Then after talking for a while, I said something about Nick.  I decided I should probably tell him.  Then he tells me he has known since the beginning. He saw it on facebook.  He just didn't say anything cause he didn't know what to say and figured if I wanted to talk about it, I would.  I found that sweet.  He gave me the space that I guess I didn't really realize that I need.  Crazy how much we do things and don't realize we are doing them.. and I'm very grateful for a friend who sensed this and gave me that space.  

February 6, 2015 Nick Works In Mysterious Ways

Today has been one of those days where I spent my whole day being very very busy!

Dropped Omi Off and then Tracy off and then off to my mom's.  I had made plans to go to her place to help her deal with some paper work.

Today at Mom's place, I finally felt like my brain was coming out of a fog.  I was able to get so much done today.  I think all of the dancing and concert going this week has helped.  Laughter and music truly are the best medicine!  Anyway, I managed to get mom's bills changed to her local bank and change the addresses from here to her new apartment.  That was a huge deal.  Now we just need to get her Social Security switched over.  Whew!

We also spent a bit of time talking about grief and how people handle it differently.  She handles grief so different from us.  But I think each individual relationship requires a different kind of grief.  You just never know how you are going to grieve from one death to the next.  It was a good hear to hear talk with her.  It was the first time we talked about Dad's death and how she handled it and why she handled it the way she did.  It was a good talk.

Then it was off to lunch with Tracy.  I love being able to have lunch with him.  Today has been a good day with him.  We have found time to reconnect and a special way.. we have needed that.  Yay!

At lunch I decided I needed to go back to Crone's to pick up stuff to smudge the house.  Yesterday, Suzy mentioned that she agreed that the energy in the house was feeling heavy and that it needed to be smudged.  So I dropped Tracy off and drove to Crone's Cupboard.  I knew this would be difficult on me.  I was already kinda crying as I drove there.  I pulled into the parking lot and felt like my legs were not going to be able to move.  I got out of the car and felt my heart beating fast and heavy all at the same time.  I walked in and Jeannine saw me and just said "Hi" like she didn't recognize me.  That was okay.  I wasn't sure if I could handle the immediate conversation about Nick.  I knew they knew about him because I had told their daughter who was friends of a friend of mine.  (not to mention the circles we all run in... they were bound to hear eventually.)  Anyway, I was on a mission.  I needed to get stuff for smudging and I felt like Nick had something he wanted me to pick up.

I came across some stones with "spirit animals" on them.  I found 4 of them with dragons on them.  Nick LOVES dragons.  I also found one with a butterfly and one with a moose on it.  I picked up all of these for the alter in the sweat lodge.  While I was looking at them, I heard Jon and Jeannine talking to someone.  I looked up as she came around the corner and it was Mearah, my belly dance mom and friend.  She gave me a huge hug and I started to cry.  Nick sent her there at the same time I was there.. to comfort me.. to be there for me.

I continued shopping and then I saw Wytomi (the man who is doing the sweat lodge for us)..the one who was part of Nick's teen years.  I was JUST telling Mearah about him, and now he was there too.  We shared a hug and he pointed me to some other things I needed for the smudging.  Again, Nick made sure that I was surrounded by people who loved me...

It was Nick who was sending me to Crone's in the first place.  Then he made sure that I had people there who would love and support me as the flood of memories of him running around that store came to mind.  Finally, I checked out. Jon mentioned "I know how hard this time is for you."  As I was leaving, Jeannine gave me a hug and I told her that Nick loved them.  She started crying and saying how crushed she was.  And just like that, Mearah stepped up and said something and I was back in her arms being supported and loved.  I guess Nick knew that *I* needed the support and could not help other people grieve (like I have been doing for so many others).

Thanks, Nick, for keeping an eye on me!

I came home, swept the house from top to bottom and out the doors. I opened up all the windows and all the doors.  I cranked up Olivia Newton John's Grace and Gratitude album to set the energy.  "Gate Gate" (a Sanskrit mantra for clearing played while I saged the house).  Once the house from top to bottom was saged, I lit some frankincense  and blessed the house with "The Power of Now" playing....filling the house with positive energy and high vibrations.  I blessed the house with lavender oil in every room.  By the time I was done, the house felt amazing and peace and gratitude filled my heart.

Then it was off to walk with Omi.  We had 11 miles schedule for this weeks training.  We had to do it today after school.  Let me just say, Meridian is not long distance training friendly.  The major roads do not have side walks.  Grrrrr.  Thanks to severe pain in my body and Omi's body, we ended up catting our walk short by 1 1/2 miles.  It was a VERY slow walk.. over a 19 minute mile.    There was just too much pain during our walk today.  By the time we got home, I could hardly move.  Oy!  Here is hoping we rest up and can move fast next week for our race!!!!

February 5, 2015 Getting Happy With The Blues!

Another blog that is a day late because life is just too much fun.

Yesterday did not start out so great. Naomi has been having a very rough week.  Tracy was having a rough week.  And I just felt like the family has been struggling this week.

I made the executive decision that the family needed some light hearted laughing and good times. I bought tickets to the Matt Costa and G. Love concert.  Nate and Omi LOVE Matt Costa and they have never seen him.  And G. Love is one of my absolute favorite artists.  It sounded like a no-brainer to me.....

Tickets purchased and plans made, we all headed there.  We got there so early we managed to get a table right on the rail for Tracy to sit and see the show without having to stand all the time.  And we also found space right up on the stage for those of us who wanted to be 5 feet from our favorite musicians!

Nate and Omi were up at the stage with me.  Suzy and Tracy sat at the Table.  Matt Costa was amazing.  But the smiles on my children's faces were even more amazing.

The intermission came and I decided to stay right where I was for G. Love.  I was so close he could sweat on me!   Yes I am that gaga over the man!  G. Love came on stage and I swear I about died.  I don't think I have ever screamed so loud at a concert!  I love that man!  Blues/folk/pop.  3 piece band.  The base violin, the drums and G. Love on the guitars and harmonica!  I could not stop smiling.  I was so blissed out that the girls next to me noticed it and made a comment.  *laugh*  Then I got a great surprise.  Suzy came to join me. We spent the last half of G. Love's show dancing and fan-girling. Suzy had never heard of him or Matt until right before I bought tickets.  Now she was full fledged fan-girling.  G. Love squeezed her hand twice (and mine once).  I swear we about passed out.  *laugh*

By the end of the night, everyone was smiling and laughing and telling me it was exactly what they needed.  (Except Tracy.....he was still having a rough time.)

February 4, 2014... A Day Late.....

Cause the 4th was just too fun to post on time.

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling sluggish and tired and a bit down.  It's not that my dreams have been bad; they have been pretty good actually.  I just woke up feeling kinda.. "eh" (as the kids these days would say).  So I got Tracy and Omi dropped off to where they needed to be and came home and allowed myself to take a nap. It was self indulgent and glorious!

I woke up to a friend of mine sending me a text making plans to meet for beers.  This is something he and I have been wanting to do since about November, and we were finally getting it together.  Yay!!!  With that to look forward to, I decided to get up from my nap and get some cleaning done and practice some belly dancing.

I guess I didn't realize it, but I have been having a difficult time remembering belly dance choreography since I bonked my head over 2 years ago!  Crazy!  I have been able to remember my 2 burlesque routines pretty easily, but the belly dance stuff has been very difficult.  There have been lots of times when I felt like I just wanted to quit because I felt like I was letting my sisters down.  I kept going cause it is what Omi and I do together and I love to dance.  So here we are, with a new choreo that is fast paced and lots of fun.  We are trying to get it perfected so we can perform it in Salt Lake City in March.  I brought out the paper, turned up the music and practiced over and over and over again.  For the first time since I bonked my head, choreography started to make sense to me!  Yay!!!  I was getting it down and feeling comfortable, and more importantly, having tons of fun again! Yay!!!!!!  By the time I was done with that, I was sweaty, stinky and so very  happy!

After practicing, it was time for some sit down watch TV time with Omi.  We have a guilty pleasure show we are watching on Hulu.. Jane the Virgin.  It is silly and quirky..."RomCom Drama". It's fun to watch Omi get all "gooey" over the romantic stuff.  

I put on real clothes last night. None of this sweat pants and tshirt stuff. *laugh*  I actually blow dried my hair too and put on real shoes.  That's crazy talk.  I forget how good I feel when I actually get dressed in real clothes.  I met my friend Dennis for beers at 10 Barrel Brewing Company.  I had never been there before. It was alot bigger than I thought it was, and the beer was very yummy.  The company was exceptional!

I met Dennis through the trail running community.  For whatever reason, from the first time I met him, he just seemed like the kind of guy I really wanted to get to know better.  We have come across each other in various aspects of running... from passing each other on a trail, working aid stations together, to exchanging stories about running and cycling.  He has been a huge help to me when my long distance cycling, whether he realizes it or not.  He is always a great source of information for ultra running.  And he always has one of the sharpest sense of humors out there.  He also tells it like it is and doesn't pull any punches when he is talking to you. He will tell you like he sees it whether it something you want to hear or not.  Which is one of the things I like about him.

We had a great visit last night.  We shared stories and got to know each other in a more personal level.  It's nice to be able to talk about things so candidly.  I am a pretty open book, but there are things I don't post about in blogs or talk about on facebook.  So last night, he got to hear them.  I never really think about how open I am.  (Obviously, I am the queen of over sharing, but I never really think about it.)  As I was talking to Dennis last night we w talked about being open, about sharing things publicly and going through them privately, and about being an introvert or extrovert.  It dawned on me.  I am an extrovert in about everything I do.  However, I am pretty shy at a party around people I don't know.  Making small talk is not my thing.  It just isn't.  I also tend to go straight for the jugular and tell people stuff they just don't want to know (queen of over sharing, and I refuse to be in a closet so I just tell everyone everything and they either like me or they don't).  I remember that being a little bit of an issue in Belize when I met our new friends.  *laugh*  I told them I was bisexual (for whatever reason) and within a day or 2 my new friend came up to me and asked why I told them that.  She was confused.  I told her, "I just don't like being in the closet. I want people to know who I am right up front, and if they don't like it, they can ignore me."  It's not always the best way to go about things, but it weeds people out pretty early on.  *laugh*  I'm sure there was some context to my telling them that.. it probably had to do with excessive amounts of rum. *laugh*  Anyway.....

Back to being serious here.  I am extroverted.  I am open.  Even if I don't say it publicly on a blog or on facebook, if you asked me privately, I would tell you openly and truthfully.  I am also a bit of an exhibitionist.  I have often wondered (privately..now publicly) if I am a bit of a narcissist.  Why?  Because everyone seems to think that if you take a bunch of selfies you are a narcissist.   However, knowing a few evil narcissists in my life, I don't think I qualify.  Thanks to dictionary.com, here is the definition of a narcissist:  

Noun

1.  a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish.

2.  Psychoanalysis. a person who suffers from narcissism, deriving erotic gratification from admiration of his or her own physical or mental attributes.

If overly self-involved means very introspective and then sharing it publicly, then I'm guilty.  

Not sure I am a narcissist.  Maybe I am. Who knows.  But what I do know is that there is a reason that we go through our lives and experience what we experience. We experience things in order to grow.  We grow in order to help other people.  It would be selfish to gain wisdom only to keep that wisdom to yourself and not share it to help other people.  I'm not saying that "selfies" help other people; yes, that is purely a selfish act to see how my life unfolds in a physical manner on my face.  But, the words I type, the blogs I post are thoughtfully and purposefully written.  (Well unless I'm raging angry, then they are words driving from passion..and not the good kind.)

This is something that I learned or at least was given reason to think about last night.  Yes, I felt a kind of kindred connection with Dennis from our first meeting.  But if it had not been for all of my crazy postings on facebook or my blogs, he would not have seen the real me and decided, "hey, she is someone worth getting to know."  It's more than that though. It's more than Dennis. It's lots of people in my life.  They read my crazy words and stories and think, "Hey, there is a person I can talk to and relate to on some level." (Even if its on a level they didn't anticipate.)

I'm grateful for the messiness that is my life.  I'm grateful for the lessons learned, the mountains climbed, the swamps I've dredged.  I'm grateful that I live my life full steam ahead and I jump in with both feet.  I am grateful that I say, "yes!" to life's opportunities.  And I'm very grateful for my friends who love me through it all and maybe even a bit because of it all :).

After my amazing chat with Dennis, last night, I decided to head over to Humpin' Hannah's to hang out while Tracy finished up with the gang from work at the hockey game.  I walked in there, and the only people there were the people that worked there. That was a bit odd.  It was very quiet.   I ordered more beer, sat at a table and visited with a friend on facebook until Tracy and the guys from work showed up.  Hannah's used to be a regular hang out for us. We used to go there quite often with the guys that Tracy used to work with.  I loved hanging out with those guys. It was always fun!  We would drink and dance the night away.  Man I miss those times!  Last night, I drank and I danced.  I ran into Minerva Jayne last night and got hugs and visited with her for a bit and even shared the dance floor with her for a song or two. I love that woman and her presence in the Treasure Valley.  

As I danced last night, I had a couple of thoughts:

1)  They were playing the song "Happy" and I was dancing. I was feeling genuinely happy. I usually am when I am dancing.  I'm sure the beers were helping.  But anyway, I was feeling happy.  And the thought, "Wait, I'm still grieving, should I be dancing? Shouldn't I be a crying mess?"  I mean twice that night, I visited with people I have not seen in person since Nick's death and we talked about Nick dieing and what I have been going through.  I kind of felt guilty.  But then I said, "I am allowed to feel happiness and celebrate life.  Just because Nick died does not mean I have to curl up in a ball and die myself. That is not what Nick would want."

2)  They played a Sublime song last night.  Nick loved Sublime.  I had a mixture of happy and sad (or introspective) thoughts while they played. I wanted to dance, but I also just wanted to think about Nick and remember him.  I often wonder if Nick loved Sublime because it was "taboo" when he was a kid.    See when Nick was in 3rd or 4th grade (maybe), I had decided I liked Sublime.  It was NOT a group Tracy liked.  Actually, I was listening to alot of music Tracy didn't like back then.  (We were strictly country music people...except for on a dance floor.)  But I was going through a rough spot in my life, and trying to figure out who I was.  I had only listened to country because Tracy listened to country.  Before Tracy came into my life, I was a disco/pop/christian rock kinda person.... NEVER country.  So after years of marriage and while we were going through some marriage difficulties, I started listening to different things and Sublime was one of them.  

This music had a parental advisory label on it and was not one that I would let my kids listen to.  But it had a clown on the cover (scary and obnoxious, but a clown none the less).  When I wasn't looking, Nick took the CD to his friends house to listen to it.  I got a phone call from the friend's mom who was very irate that my son had brought over a CD with such lyrics.  OMG.  I was pissed. Nick wasn't allowed to listen to that music.  His excuse:  "It had a clown on it, I thought it would be okay."  *laugh*

So last night, they sang a Sublime song, and this memory popped into my head.  Nick loved Sublime, even to the day he died.  But I have to wonder if it started with this time in his life......and if he thought about that memory very often.

Anyway, I had a great day yesterday and since I got home late and I was drunk, I didn't blog about it.

February 3, 2015 One Word......

Restless......

The last 2 night's dreams have been good.  By good I mean, they were either interesting or genuinely made me smile.  I think my brain is trying to get me respite.  I'm grateful.  However, today I can't help but feel a bit restless.

I am thinking that maybe the energy in my house is a bit heavy.  I'm not entirely certain how to clear that out.  Everyone in the house grieves in different ways and at different times.  But I am thinking that maybe I need to open up the windows and sage the house.  Why do I feel this way?  Because both Tracy and I have been feeling this serious need to "get away".

Tracy started to feel it first and I thought  maybe I could steal us away last weekend to do something fun (even if just for the day), but Omi's plans changed and made that a little difficult.  Then today, I started to really feel it.  I just want to pack up my car and go away on a long weekend trip.  I want to go visit friends.  I want to laugh easily.  I want to just take a break from the grieving.  I know it won't go away. I know it will be here when I get back.  For for a glorious weekend where we just laugh and enjoy our friends' company?  That would be nice.

The issue with this beautiful dream is that 1) We have NO TIME.  Tracy can't take any time off of work until the Presidents Day Weekend, and that weekend is the 1/2 marathon and Suzy's birthday weekend.  2) Money is not exactly growing on trees.  I do not stress about money. I know my family is always provided for... even in emergencies.  I know that if we took money to go away, we would be fine.  Tracy on the other hand is not so relaxed and I do not want him to stress and worry.. if we took money to go away, he would worry.  AND... we have 5 people to get to Florida in May for Nick's graduation.    So, if I was being responsible, I would say we gotta take care of that first.

Normally people would think, "Well you are going to Florida in May, that will help."  Ya... no.  It's Nick's graduation.  It will be another hard weekend of memories of "if only's".  Yes we will have a beach day and do our best to find some fun in there and visit friends, but it is a quick trip filled with memories and another process in the grieving.

When I think about this, I just start to feel smothered and claustrophobic. I want to celebrate my son's accomplishment's of graduation...but it should be HIM graduating on his own two feet.  It is also my birthday and mother's day weekend.  It's a triple-decker whammy for this grieving mom.    So ya....I just want a trip away either with just Tracy or including the kids where its just about fun.

That is the other thing, Tracy and I just can't go away on a weekend with our car since it is the only car working that Nate can drive.  We can't leave them car-less.  So ya.. feeling stuck and smothered is what I feel like at the moment.

I'm not sure of opening up the windows and smudging my house will help with the heavy feeling or not.  What I do know is that right now, its too cold for that.  Later this week it is supposed to be raining (still) and in the 50's.. so maybe later I can cleanse the house.

Until then... deep breaths.....

February 2, 2015 You Know That Feeling....

When you can't put your finger on it, but something just feels... well... I don't know.  It just feels.

That is where I am today.  I keep trying to put my finger on it, but it refuses to be defined. So it just is, and that is okay.

I finished my book The Worst Loss today.  I learned a couple of things:

1)  I'm doing alright.
2)  I'm doing right by myself and my family.
3)  This grief process doesn't have an end date (that's not the best news ever).

Today I started with the "How Children Grieve" section.  One of the things it mentioned was that children are more physical and may need outlets like bike riding or something like that.  Which I think may be part of Omi's decision to do this 1/2 marathon.  She already danced.  That is nothing new.  But her desire to do this 1/2 marathon and push herself; that is new.  Yes, some of it may be her desire to spend special time with mom, but honestly, I think it is more than that.  I think doing this marathon and pushing herself and being physical is helping her with her grief.  I know it helps me.  I am definitely a more physical type person and I need that kind of activity to work through things.  I always have.  Even as a kid, I would get angry and go running or skating.  Roller skating saved my life.  I NEED and CRAVE that physical activity.  And if I didn't have a brain injury issue, I would totally do something along the lines of boxing or MMA right now :).

It talked about Barriers to Grieving and when you get stuck in the pain. It discussed symptoms of this.  I do not think anyone in this house is "stuck" and not grieving.  The only one who may be having an issue is Tracy, but the is only because he has to work a full time job which does not give him much time to grieve.  I don't work, and I do this stuff to help me. Omi was already in therapy.  Suzy is working through her stuff.  Nate is not working and able to spend time working through stuff.  Granted, we are all grieving at our own pace, but we are all moving forward I think.. even Tracy.  It's just harder for him I think.  But I guess reading that part was a bit reassuring.

In there book there were sections that spoke directly to how a child might have died.... illness, sudden death, suicides, that kind of thing.  I skipped over the ones that did not pertain to me and went straight to sudden deaths and it talked about the feeling of helplessness that people feel in these kinds of deaths.  It reminded me how angry I would get at people in my family who kept trying to help me when in actuality it just made me even more angry.  I realize now they were just trying to feed their own sense of helplessness and trying to feel better.  I knew it even then.  But this book described it even more.  I was about to say that I had gotten over it but as I typed this, I realized I still had anger issues.  *laugh*  Grrr... I'm not perfect.  I'll get over it one day. I know their hearts were in the right places; it was just more than I could deal with (and I guess its still more than I can deal with when I am forced to think about it).  It was also during that time that we were in the "search for facts" phase. Suzy and I needed answers.  We wanted to know what happened. We wanted all of the answers.   I am totally person that needs all the facts.  I remember when we were finally able to get the autopsy report, the medical examiner would say "You really don't want these details." At the time I didn't.  But Tracy and Suzy wanted them.  We never did get that report.  But knowing the cause of death, knowing the details, seeing Nick's motorcycle and even seeing Blair's car, it all helped us put pieces together to make sense of the chaos that had turned our lives upside down.

Towards the end of the book, there are chapters on how to get through this time in our lives after losing a child.  There is a paragraph that sums up what Tracy (and I to an extent) feel like now:

"When you cannot function at the level you usually expect of yourself, it hurts.  It is easy to fall into scolding yourself, feeling inadequate.  The fact is that for now you ARE inadequate.  You may need to remind yourself that if you'd suffered a physical injury as severe as your emotional wound, you'd be in the ICU. You wouldn't expect a person in intensive care to be fully herself or particularly available to the rest of her family. You expect an ICU patient to accept her limitations, not push herself, give her body a chance to heal. Your injury is severe and pervasive.  You will need to lower your expectations of yourself.  You must give your heart time and opportunity to heal."

Ya... about that.  I feel like I can't remember things.  I feel like I can't handle things the way I used to be able to handle things. I feel like I let people down. I feel like I let myself down. I feel like a failure sometimes.  It's hard.  But this passage is right.  I  have been in an emotional trauma that if it had been physical would have landed me in ICU.  I have to give myself time to heal and be patient with myself. Tracy does too.  So does the rest of the family.

There were many other things mentioned in this book, like taking time each day to remember Nick.  I think I do that with this blog.  But maybe that would help the rest of the family.  Taking time to remember Nick. Make an appointment with yourself, allows our emotions to say, "Oh ya, I have a special time for this...." and allows our brain to think about other things when it knows it will have time for Nick later.  It also mentioned taking time to find pleasure in life... doing things that we loved to do before Nick died. I think we do that to some extent.  We went snowboarding.  We go to burlesque shows.  We find things that make us smile.  Then towards the end of the book, it echoed my fear that I had mentioned earlier.  When we have things like a court case pending, a settlement getting finished or like Nick's graduation.. all of these things keep us focused on Nick.  In a way it keeps Nick alive and keeps it fresh. But once those things are settled and finished, its like the floor falls out from beneath us again.....  It's nice to know that what I was feeling is REAL and to be expected.  It's nice to know that intuitively I knew what was going on in our heads and hearts.

Over all, this was a great book to validate what is going on in my life and how we are dealing with things in this house.  Like I said before, the idea that this grief stuff can go on for years is rather frightening.  It's not that I will continue to grieve every single day, but that every year that passes something will happen and I will always be reminded that Nick is no longer here.  Whether its on the anniversary of his death, or his birthday, or when I hear about a motorcycle down.  Something will hit me....and it will always be like that.  It won't always hurt as bad.  It won't always take me down for the count, but for the rest of my life, I will remember that a big part of my heart is gone and is never coming back.  As the years go by, this book says, my unconscious will realize this is final and that is why it will hurt.  Ugh.  Thanks for the warning.  It also said that friends will think, "Well, gosh, that happened so long ago, you should be over it now."  And they won't understand.  And the book is right.  Do you know how I know? Because I thought the same thing of a woman who lost her son.  I didn't know her son, and I only met her after her son had passed.  But I knew it had been years, and yet she was still crying like it was fresh.  I could not understand.  I do now.

The book kept mentioning a specific support group called Compassionate Friends.  I looked it up here in Boise, and it meets the 2nd Thursday of the month at the Meridian St. Luke's. I think I will go and see how it fits into my life.  I am not going to lie.  When I saw the list of names of the "board", it about took my breath away. Yes, I have a handful of friends on my facebook that have lost children, but for whatever reason, seeing this list of people too my breath away.  They ALL lost children? How can so many people have lost children?  I don't know. It just struck me as heart breaking and weird all at the same time.

Today, after I finished my book, all I wanted to do was feel a connection with Nick. It dawned on me that we do not live in a house he has ever lived in. He never actually got to see this house.  He never went to the church I belong to.  I can't just go hang out in the houses where he spent a great deal of his life.  And I just miss him.  I miss his energy. And for whatever reason, I had a huge urge to go to Crone's Cupboard today (a local store and the place that Nick spent most of his teenage years going to classes at). I drove all the way there today just to find they were not open today.  *laugh*  I don't really know what I was going to look for there, but I just wanted to go there and see if I could feel him there. It's bizarre.  I know that all I would do was cry. But I had this distinct memory of him in that store hanging out with his friends from the youth group there. They were laughing and goofing off.  It's a great memory, and I just wanted to go visit it for a bit.

I miss Nick today.  I miss his loud, deep voice. I miss his beard. I miss his long hair.  I miss his arguing.  I miss him running around barefooted everywhere he went. I miss his holey jeans.  I just miss my kid.  And that is okay.

February 1, 2015 Super Bowl Sunday!!!!!!

Okay.. really nothing all that impressive to talk about today. It's been kind of a normal day.

I had horrible night mares last night.  Like I woke up from my dream thinking I was screaming out loud.  Tracy was awake (for whatever reason) and I asked if I had been screaming out loud, he said not.  But my throat sure felt like it.  My  nightmare had nothing to do with Nick, and at least I don't think it did.  I do remember people trying to kill my family and me begging them not to.

I slept in till like 11pm today.  The day was filled with errands, grocery shopping and picking up Kasey and making dinner and now... watching the Super Bowl.  Probably the most normal thing we can do.  We never watch football, but we always watch the super bowl.  And Suzy is down with us watching it. Burgers, beer and potato chips for dinner and football on the screen.  Nothing out of the ordinary and it feels pretty good.

The only thing notable about today is that we have the date and time set for the family sweat lodge. It's not a memorial per say, but it is a lodge specifically to help with the mourning.  I have never done a lodge like this so I am not sure what exactly to expect.  But it will be good for the family.  It was something that Suzy always wanted to do with Nick and Nate and Omi are game.  I think it will be a great thing for us as a family.   That will be on February 18th.

The interesting thing about this sweat lodge...  Wytomi (who is leading it) is the one who used to lead the lodges that Nick used to do with his boys group when he was a teenager.  Christina (his  partner) lost her husband at the age of 25 as well.  This lodge was Christina's idea.  This lodge is full circle....

I am hoping that tomorrow i will be able to get some more reading done while I am getting some laundry done.  We also need to find good flight deals for our trip to Florida for Nick's graduation in May....