January 24, 2015 Therapy of a Different Kind

Happy Saturday!!!!!  Okay, it didn't start out the happiest, but well good things happened today anyway.

Last night was more nightmares and weird dreams for both me and Tracy.  So a good portion of this morning was dealing with this stuff and comforting each other.   But soon we were up and at 'em.  Lots to do today, no time to hang out in bed all day.

We dropped off the truck we had been borrowing back to our friends house.  Tracy was in his house for a while and came out with 2 pugs and I thought he was bringing them home.  I would LOVE another dog and these puppies were so dang cute!  But alas, they were just coming out to show me how adorable they were.  Then of course, Tracy's allergies went completely nuts after holding the fur ball of love!

We discussed therapy animals.  Omi's therapist had suggested a guinea pig for her.  A cage was being donated to her and we just needed to take care of the rest.  Omi has been on pins and needles all weekend.  Tracy and I talked about cats and dogs, but honestly, I am allergic to cats and Tracy is allergic to dogs (so am I..though I try to deny it).  We already have 2 cats in the house and 1 dog.  When more dogs come into the house, my allergies get set off.  So.... a Guinea Pig it is, but we needed to wait until we got the cage.

In the mean time, Omi and I went out for our 7 mile training run for the 1/2 marathon which is February 14th.  I decided the route would be he Eagle Greenbelt starting at Eagle road and traveling east.  I like that route because it can be pretty secluded and it also takes us through a couple of areas with gorgeous homes.  It's not near as busy as the Boise Greenbelt.  Thankfully there was a bathroom about a mile in cause, we needed it!  *laugh*

We had gotten a few miles in and we were going at a faster pace than last week when I finally checked on Omi. She said her knee was hurting her and her heart felt like it was stabbing her chest.  This was the perfect time to talk about "the first mile is a lie" thought process.   Granted, we were already past the 1st mile, but when you are walking, it is really about mile 2 1/2 to 3 that you start feeling like you might want to slow down (instead of the 1st mile of running).  Your body starts screaming at you.  "Stop! You are killing me!"  "I can't breathe!  Slow down!"   "These legs are never going to keep going at this pace!"   This is a complete lie.    In running, its the first mile that gets you. Your body screams, "WTF???!!!!!  Slow down!" But once you get past that 1st mile your body is over the temper tantrum.  But for walkers, it takes a bit for that to kick in. And it's much like a panic attack.  It is your body have a physical panic attack and screaming at you to stop.  But this is all part of the mental game.     I told Naomi what to expect and what her mind and body will try to tell her.  I encouraged to say back to her body, "I am stronger than that!"  And to keep her visualization of crossing the finish line fresh in her mind.  Not just visualize it, but FEEL it!  What will it feel like to cross that line? What will she hear?  How will that hug feel from Christie?  How will the weight of the medal feel around her neck?  What kind of relief will she feel when she has done something she has been working so hard?

Omi worked through the heart stabbing feeling, and we kept going.  We got to our turn around point and I had a gut punch memory. Nick is dead.  Now, I know I KNOW this.  But sometimes, it still feels like a gut punch when I remember. I felt like crying.  Last week I felt like I was making a bargain with the gods, "If I walk 1000 miles maybe I can have Nick back."  This week I know better than that.  This 1/2 marathon is not about bringing Nick back.  It is about time with my daughter.  And I realized today that part of this is passing down the healing properties of long distance running.  So I started again.  "Naomi, sometimes while you are training or on your long distance races, you may feel emotional.  You may feel like you want to cry.  It's okay.  Cry.  Let it out.  Feel it.  And keep moving."  Lord knows I have cried at every single one of my races for one reason or another.

I guess I never realized the healing properties of long distance running/walking.  When we push ourselves beyond our limits, our minds really want to scream and tell us that it is impossible.  When we spend HOURS alone on a trail or on a path, we spend hours in our heads and sometimes when we do not have any distractions, it can go to dark places and this time alone is a good time to feel them and work through them.  This is also a time when lots of creative thinking happens.  It's a magical time.

All of this, I get to share with Naomi.  She is learning so much about herself in this training.  She is learning so much about how to face life's struggles while doing this training.  It is an absolute privilege to be training with her.

When it was all said and done, we finished 7 miles in 1:54:37 with a 16:21/mile pace!  We shaved off over a minute/mile today!!!!   Omi did such a great job today!  And honestly, that is the fastest I have gone since back surgery.

On our way home from our walk, we got the phone call that the Guinea Pig cage was ready to be picked up.  Tracy picked it up for us while we showered then we went shopping for the new therapy critter.  Studies show that Guinea Pigs will bond with their owners and know their schedule and when paired properly will be calming for their human counter parts.  When Omi's little critter was brought out of the cage at the pet store, she was all kinds of nervous.  But when put in Omi's hands, she was instantly calm, and even OMi's energy changed.  As a matter of fact, there were 2 pigs in the cage.  One was hiding in a little box and one was in the corner and neither was coming out.  But when Omi got close, the little one came out.  Omi knew that is the one she wanted.  She held her and there was an instant bond.  They chose each other.  Funny. Once Omi had her in her hands, the other pig came out of hiding.  *laugh*  Anyway, we picked out all the necessary items and brought them all home. On the way home, Omi named her Annabelle.  A sweet albino Guinea Pig.  Suzy helped me get the cage set up while Omi cleared off a space for the cage.  I carried Annabelle upstairs (still in her carrying box) while Omi and Suzy carried the set up cage up to Omi's room.  Then we put sweet little Annabelle in her cage.  Omi spent the next hour upstairs with Annabelle.  She is not supposed to get her out and hold her until Monday afternoon.  Annabelle needs time to get used to her new surroundings.  But for now, they seem to be in love with each other. Omi will use Annabelle as a means to help her with her anxiety and panic attacks in the middle of the night.  We took away her electronics and gave her a Guniea Pig.  When Omi wakes up in a panic attack, she can take Annabelle out of her cage and love on her and Annabelle will help her calm down.

Whew!  It's been a day!   Time to go cuddle with my hubby.

Thanks for reading!

January 23, 2015 Quite the Opposite of Yesterday!

Hey, everyone!

I know yesterday's blog post was a real downer.  It happens.  This week has been a rough week for the entire family.  Each one of us has struggled for various reasons.  But last week, I was having an amazing week.  This is just the way my life is at the moment.  I know several of you were very worried about me, and I am grateful for friends who are concerned.  I love you all very much.

In case you didn't hear, I did decide to go snowboarding with the family last night.  It was a bit emotional.  I had made a silent vow to myself that I would NOT go skiing at Bogus this year.  My kids grew up on that mountain.  Being there without Nick this year...and remembering all of the great times with all of the kids would be harsh.  And it was emotional. Nate held me in the middle of the "horseshoe" (That is the what the kitchen staff call the area where you get your food) of the Simplot Lodge as my eyes filled with tears.  Omi was having a panic attack on the slopes.  But even with all of that, we managed to have a great time last night.  We laughed.  We played.  For Nate, snowboarding is therapy, so this did him wonders!  For Tracy being up there with his friend from work and being silly made all the difference.  For Omi, I think just time with the family and facing her fears on Bogus helped (whether she will admit it or not).  And for me, saying hello to old memories and remembering my kids playing and the freedom I feel while shredding the mountain felt amazing.  It felt great to be up there!

Last night my sleep was filled with nightmares and weird dreams.  Each one of us at home has nightmares (about Nick) most nights.  None of us are alone in that regard.  The dreams are different, none of them are the same, and in probably most cases, have nothing to do with real life events other than he lived and he died and maybe something to do with our personal relationships with him.  Not all dreams are nightmares, but because they make us sad or emotional, they could be construed that way.  However, my dream last night was a flat out nightmare about Nick being tortured and brutally murdered.  It was horrific.  I woke up with my eyes wide awake, breathing fast and remembering that this is NOT real.  Then my dreams went a completely different direction to LDS type church and polygamist communities and babies being born to families and young married couples struggling to fit in to the old ways in hold hand me down homes with old hand me down furniture. Very interesting and stressful all at the same time.

Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling out of sorts just cause I didn't sleep well at all last night.  However, thanks to a great night of snowboarding last night, I was feeling re-vitalized and ready to hit the ground running today.

While I waited for Omi to get dressed and come down stairs, I checked my email.  And there, I got some of the best news ever!  Nick's article in Nature Magazine was finally released today!!!  This is a HUGE deal.  Only 1/3 of the people who submit to this publication get published and its even more rare for an undergrad to get published.  Nick knew he was being published.  He knew he was receiving this HUGE honor.  To have his name listed 2nd as the author (along side his Ph.d mentors) was HUGE!  This was going to be his key to get him into grad school!  How many people at 25 can say that they have changed science forever?  That they have left their mark on the world and how we look at the world?  Nick did just that!  I could not be any prouder! I could not shout this any louder!  I have shared it on Facebook. I sent an email to his high school principal.  I am even considering sending it to his Junior High VP (who works some place different now) just because that VP HATED Nick and thought he was nothing but a thug.  Nick may have struggled in school, but look at what he accomplished!  My heart soars!!!!

Nick's Article

I'm not going to lie, though.  Seeing the word "Deceased" by his name made me cry.  Seeing the photos that Nick was responsible for capturing made me cry.  I remember when he captured them and how excited he was!  He KNEW what a huge discovery he made.  Everything about this makes me cry.  He was still in college.... and look what he did.  The "what ifs" about what he could have done had he stayed on this planet boggle my mind.  Yet, I know that the mark he leaves on the scientific community is priceless!

Today, Nate, Suzy and I were hanging out in the kitchen talking about this and we all cried.  Nate gathered us in his arms and the 3 of us cried in our kitchen.  It was a happy cry, celebrating Nick.  The article is an online publication only, but the publishing company is binding it in hard copy for us.  Suzy said that if Nick had been alive, they would have gone out to have steaks to celebrate tonight.  So we will wait until the hard copies arrive, and THEN we will go out and celebrate with Steaks and Gitas!

Some more good news....  Today I got my Subaru back from the collision repair place!  Woohooo!!!! We have our own car back!!!  I could not be any happier!  This means that Nate can borrow my car to go on interviews or I can enlist him to help drive people around.  I don't have to be the only person driving all the damn time now!  Woohooo!!!!

Oh and even more good news.   My sister in law, Misty, sent me this message on facebook: "I just got the green light to work on my chamber ensemble piece dedicated to Nick called Swirling Cosmos. I mean, I was going to finish it anyway, but I'll be working with an experienced professional this way. " 

I can not wait to hear what musical creation she is birthing!!!!!  She totally made me cry with this news today!  

Yes, it has been an emotional day for the Spiva family, near and far!  But it has been a good day.

I'm grateful for good news today!  I'm grateful for the smiles I see on my kids faces today!  I'm grateful for the ability to weather the storms, even when they seem so dang bleak!  I'm grateful to YOU for reading this!

January 22, 2015 Can Someone Please Stop The Room From Spinning.....

I'd like to get off this ride.


When I was a little girl in Texas, there was a ride at Six Flags Over Texas that I absolutely could not stand.  I thought it was a waste of time to stand in line for, but everyone I knew loved the damn thing.  I can't remember the name of it, but it was this round "room" that you went into and stood up against the wall.  The room would start spinning and the centrifugal force was suppose to hold you to the wall while the floor slowing dropped out from beneath your feet.  Most of the time, I never stuck and it embarrassed me to no end.  I thought I didn't stick because I was too fat. I felt like a failure. That ride gave me soooo many self-esteem issues!

Today, I feel like I am on that ride all over again. Only this time, it is quite the opposite.  Everyone has slipped off the wall and are standing still on the floor just watching me spin completely out of control and STUCK in that mode and it sucks!!!!

The amount of grief that I see in my loved ones and that I experience myself is quite literally unimaginable.  There is no way for me to describe it.  I see Nick's close friends hurting.  I see my kids crying and having nightmares. I see their faces when it looks like life has been drained from their faces.  And I sit here as a "mom" and feel completely unprepared and unable to help them. Hugging them and telling them that I love them is all that I can do, and it does not seem near enough.  I'm at a loss.  All of my kids here have some kind of creative outlet and friends to go to and talk to.  But that doesn't seem like enough.  Omi is in therapy, the other 2 would prefer not to go.

And life, no matter how STUCK we feel, keeps on spinning and we just want off this ride.  Or at least, we would like a break and to be able to fall to that floor with the rest of everyone who seems to be completely relaxed and just going with the flow. But now we are stuck on this wall and feel like this is happening TO us instead of us taking life at our own speed.  How the hell do we get off of this ride?

This week has been so very rough for some reason.  I really can't explain why this week is any different than the week before.  But it just has been.  There has been lots of tears shed by most if not all in this house this week.

For me, I feel as though any extra stress is just going to have me exploding.  I can't commit to big challenges or changes in my life because I never know how I am going to feel from one  minute to the next.  Yet, I am the ONLY person in my house that has the "luxury" of not having to be somewhere most of the time.  I have to be places.. to drive people places. But I don't have school or work; nor do I have to find a job.  Everyone else in my family works, goes to school or needs to find a job.  Naomi has finals this week, and truthfully, I have no idea how she goes about her life the way she does.  How does she go to school and keep going?  I know she struggles, BAD.  I know she has panic attacks. I know she has nightmares.  But she keeps going to school (what other choice does she really have?)  Suzy works when she is scheduled. And yes, she has some bad days.  But she keeps going.  Tracy has been back to work since he got home. He took time off during the holidays, but he has been back to work and he is one of the big bosses.... meetings, interviews, looking for office space, getting his work done.. lots of stress in that job.  And he does it.. every day.  I know he struggles.  I know he wants to scream most of the time, but he gets through it.  Nate is having the hardest time finding a job.  Really, he is having the hardest time because he has no car to drive since the accident.  His car isn't working, and no job to get money to fix it.  My car is still in the repair shop and he can not drive the cars we have been using.  So he has been stuck in the house.  He rides a bike to try to find jobs around here.  He applies on line. He has had 2 interviews. Nothing.  He feels horrible. I can't imagine the grief he feels over losing Nick, over losing his job, over losing the cars AND the stress of trying to find a job and get his life back on track.

We are all doing the best that we can.  But sometimes I feel as though the best that I can do just is no where near enough.

Today I just really need a "hide under a blanket fort day", and yet that is not going to happen.  This morning Omi had an orthodontist appointment then we dropped her off to school for her finals and dropped Tracy off to work.  I came home to do this (this is as close to a blanket fort as I am going to get today).  In a little over an hour, I need to pick Omi back up from school.  She has early release today, but because of her ortho appointment, she has to stay after school to take her Spanish final; she she misses the bus.  Then she has therapy appointment.  And somewhere today, I need to find ski gear for everyone cause Tracy, Omi and Nate are going night skiing tonight with one of Tracy's friends from work.  I was supposed to go, but I just feel as though the world is caving in around me.  I need some down time.  I want to go with them, cause I feel like it will be fun and I could use some fun.  But honestly, I am also afraid of the memories that will pop up once I'm on that mountain.  I am barely hanging on by a thread right now.  I also have so much to do to get ready for my performance on Sunday night.   (I know. I know.  Sunday night is a 4 days away.  But tomorrow is filled with doctors appointments..my moms and Omis.  Saturday is filled with Voice lessons and long run for 1/2 marathon training.  And Sunday before the performance is church and picking up Kasey to come spend time with Omi since she is babysitting both Friday night and Saturday night.)  Oh and add to my busy schedule, I am afraid of hurting myself before my performance on Sunday, and I am already have some kind of muscle issue in my obliques that is cause severe pain.

Like I said, can this ride please stop spinning????

Before Nick's death, I could have handled a week like this like a champ!  I could have handled ALL of this like a champ.  But now, committing to coffee with a friend seems like a huge deal to me, much less committing to a performance and learning choreo and just generally living life.

January 21, 2015 Hanging With the President.....

But before I could do that.. there were HOURS of cold line waiting and HOURS of protecting our spot along the rail and trying not to get squished by mob mentality.

Suzy and I arrived at 8am just as the gates were opening to park in the parking lot by the venue so we could have our chairs to sit in.  However, within an hour of waiting in an orderly line, they decided we all needed to "move up".  The nice orderly line turned into complete chaos and mob mentality. People were who were in the very back just walked right up to the front.  People were angry.  We were squished and cold and cranky.  It was crazy.  And yes, I am PMSing and live with a very short fuse these days.  It took everything I had not to lose it.

However, we were still pretty close to the front of the line and gave us a great shot of the United States Secret Service Uniform Police Department at work.  A Uhaul backed in, and ONLY the USSS Police were unloading its contents.  It was the super special, government approved, metal detectors we had to walk through.  They were a bunch of no-nonsense type people.  They were very interesting to watch.  I love security stuff.  Watching the way that it all worked, made me miss my days in security and my days playing body guard!

I also loved watching the plain clothes secret service.  We decided (while trying to figure out how these secret service guys get to all of the places the President goes to) are the presidential equivalent to circus carnies.  *laugh*  Though the guy below always looked so serious and not so fun.

The whole thing just boggled my mind. Where did they get all the plain black secret service vehicles that they all traveled in?  The Secret Service has been at the University for 4 days getting things secure.  The President is going to be in Kasnas tomorrow, and I'm certain there is a crew there doing the same thing.  How they do they all get around?  How many of them are there?  How do the cars get back and forth?  It all just boggles my mind and I'm so curious about it all.

Finally able to get in, we ran to the front of the rail.  We were so excited.  The empty space in front of us was for the wheel chairs.  Yay!  No one standing in front of us.  Now if we could just get the people behind us to literally get off of our backs!  Seriously.   I stood a foot away from the rail bracing myself on the rail..just to make sure I didn't get squished.  Tracy was standing behind Suzy with his arms around her bracing himself on the rail..just to protect Suzy.  It's a good thing.  Cause the lady behind him was literally on his back..pushing and shoving.  The lady next to me had to tell the women behind us to back the heck off cause they were shoving us up against the rail.  I just stuck my tush out and moved around and danced to the music.  I guess they didnt' want me grinding my tush into them...so they backed off.    Then........"The White House Staff" said that there was too much empty space and they were going to grab people from the back and bring them to stand in front of us.  Umm.. hellooo... we have been standing in line since the crack of dawn..these people were JUST GETTING HERE!  Them were fighting words.  We had a few words with the volunteer staff, and they were very nice about protecting the space in front of us... and then they grabbed the little kids and put them up there to "fill space" and make sure kids had good spots to see over the wheel chairs.

Finally, President Obama arrived. It was really cool to see him in person.  A dream come true.  Though I was a bit disappointed at his attachment to the teleprompters.  At the same time, I realize that he just did his State of the Union and was now in Boise giving a speech riddled with Football analogies, talking about how the only thing "blue" in Idaho was the turf at BSU, and mentioning the specifics in the science being done at BSU.  I am not a complete idiot.  Someone else had to do that research and write that speech for him.  But uggg.. I just wish he could speak from the heart instead of the teleprompters.   However, I did hear him say "More better" in his speech.  I about died!  Ugh!   He was charming.  He was inspirational.  He was just about everything I had hoped for.

I am very grateful for the opportunity. As bitchy as I have been about all of this, it was a great day and I got to do something most people never get to do.... see a sitting President up close and personal. I really wish Omi could have been there.  He spoke about encouraging our young women to be strong leaders in the STEM field..and that is exactly where Omi is going.  It just made this more concrete.  Omi will be encouraged over and over and over again to go into that field and BSU has an amazing program just for that.

I wish Nick could have been there.  He would have loved what President Obama had to say about education and science!  He would have loved all of it!  I'm glad we got Suzy there.

Now... off to Mishi's house to hang out in the hot tub and try to warm up this body and relax this aching body from all of that cold and standing!

January 20, 2015 Feeling a Little Overwhelmed

I have no idea what happened in my sleep last night, but I do know that I woke up feeling very cranky and overwhelmed by life and feeling very sad.   Not the best way to start my day....

No matter how sad I might feel, though, I do find pleasure in goofing off in my kitchen.  I had a recipe for Coconut Jerk Chicken.  The recipe does not call for it to be made in a crock pot, and it certainly didn't call for celery or apples or sweet potatoes.  But all of that happened!  I added more curry and more jerk spice than required.  But in the end, it was very yummy served over brown rice.  Kinda like a spicy chicken stew.

The whole Obama visit is really cool, but I have to say that I wish he was coming on a different week, and the idea is stressing me out.  We stood in line for 4 hours yesterday just to get tickets.  It's general admission with thousands of people showing up.  Doors open at noon with a 2:45 speech time (supposedly).  The parking says there is VERY LIMITED and they are encouraging people to park in the garages downtown.  It's going to be cold.  The rules say take very limited personal belongings for security reasons.  So if you are parking downtown, it will not be easy to take chairs to the site to sit while you wait for hours to get a good spot.  It will be cold and they say to dress for the weather, but you can't take bags and you will be crammed into a smallish venue.   And to add to stressful, painful matters, the info I read today said it is a "standing" venue.  So we will be standing for hours out in the cold just to stand for 2 more hours inside with a couple thousand of our closest friends.  I don't want to sound ungrateful for such an amazing opportunity, but truthfully it sounds painful.  My back is already cranky from yesterday.

This week is a week of appointments, line standing, and rush rush rush.  I really miss have 2 cars available to us.  I really wish life was a bit easier at the moment.  Basically I just keep praying for a positive break.

Everything just feels overwhelming right now.... not enough time in my week....too many things to think about... too many things to settle.  I really do long for simpler days. When is life going to feel more like normal than rush rush rush all the time?

I actually think PMS may be taking over my body at the moment which is making everything seem so big right now.

With all of that said, there were some cool things about today.

1)  Omi leaving a sweet note for Suzy on the bathroom mirror this morning.
2)  Suzy replying with a sweet message for Omi on the mirror.
3)  Fun new choreo at belly dance today.
4)  Omi meeting Anne (Frankly Frankie) and Micah.  Omi will be babysitting this weekend for Anne.

January 19, 2015 A Presidential Gut Punch

Today was an interesting day with time for me to be in my head as I waited in line for 4 hours in hopes of getting free tickets to see President Obama speak at Boise State University on Wednesday.

First of all, last night, I had this great dream that made my heart smile.  I dreamt about this baby boy with rosy checks, a great smile and such bright eyes.  He was all giggles and grins as he was learning to crawl up steps.  He was so fun to watch.  Then I got closer and I held him and looked into his eyes as he giggled with delight and I saw Nick.  It was Nick as a baby.  I instantly woke up.... first with a smile and couldn't wait to go to his room and pick him up out of his crib.  Then a punch to the gut in the middle of the night as I realized, Nick isn't a baby.....and he is dead.  I wanted to cry right then and there, but I decided to be grateful for the happy, smiling face and visit I got from him in my dream.  I had a hard time sleeping after that.  It was certainly restless; of course, Omi's alarm clock on her phone which was in our room going off at 5:30 in the morning and then mine going off at 6:30 was not helping the matters much.  *sigh*

Once we finally rolled out of bed on our day off, I went straight to sweeping and mopping up my floors.  Man, they get dirty!  And I promised Omi Girl lunch at her favorite sandwich place so we got her up and moving.  I found out that tickets for the President's visit were already being given out to students and I thought for certain, there would be no way we could get our tickets and I didn't really want to stand outside in the cold.  I was ready to give up on that dream.  But Suzy REALLY wanted to go.  She couldn't go when he went to Florida Institute of Technology cause she had to work, and now she had opportunity number 2 (how often does THAT happen?) and she had to work again today.  So we decided to go and try our luck.  Omi can't go to the actual speech (thanks to finals), but she went in Suzy's stead today.  We got there around noon, and tickets were not being handed out till 4pm.  It was a long cold wait, but at least the sun was out!

During the wait, I walked around a couple of times.  Once I counted the people in front of us. 268 ahead of us (before people cut in line).   Then later around 3pm, I went to walk behind us to see how long the line was.  It went all the way around the football stadium and onto the greenbelt. And people were STILL showing up to get tickets!  It was insane!  On my way back to my place in line, I ran into my friend Donna and visited with her for a bit.  She shared a story about her daughter with me...and she cried and I hugged her.  It was a happy cry.  I love hearing people's stories...especially about their growth as a mom.   Then I went back to my family and as I walked towards my family I came across my former next door neighbor, Maxine.  She is in her 80's and she was alone and she was walking to find the back of the line (which I knew was WAY back there).  I told her to come jump in line with us.  She was carrying a little stool and she had a long ways to go and she was struggling.  So she joined us, and as neighbors do, she started asking about the kids.  She asked about Nick and Suzy.  I had to give her the news.  I was rather matter of fact about it.  I do alot of that actually.  I just talk about it (alot of the time) like it's just part of life.  And sometimes that is how I feel. But I wonder if that is just a coping mechanism.  Like deep down I am hurting, but on the outside my smile and my persona are different.  *shrug*  I don't know.

What I do know is this:  Nick would have KILLED for tickets to see Obama!  And he would have haunted me (not in a good way) if I had just stayed home and not TRIED to see Obama.......especially if that meant not helping Suzy get there.

We did get our tickets!  We are very excited.  Tracy, Suzy and I will be going. (Nate didn't want to wait in line for the tickets or the line that we will have to wait in to get into the venue on Wednesday.)

The last thing I really wanted to do after a long day of waiting in line was go to the grocery store, but we had a list of things that needed to be purchased, including food for the house!  While I was in the grocery store, Vanessa Carlton's song "A Thousand Miles" came on, and it hit me like a punch in the gut.  I will play the song with the lyrics for you.  Even as I listened to it tonight, it made me cry.

I really feel like this half marathon training OMi and I are doing is my way of walking 1000 miles to see my son....or at least to move on with my life.  That is what "running" is to me.  Training helps me clear my head and my heart.  It helps me focus on the now and find things to be grateful for.  And I would totally walk 1000 miles if it meant I could see Nick again.  God I  miss him.  I really do.      I kind of felt bad today, cause I have 2 friends on facebook who have lost their sons.  (Well I have more than that, but these 2 were publicly posting today about how much they missed their boys.)  And I thought... "Why don't I feel that way about Nick?  Why don't I feel so heart wrenchingly sad and missing him?  I feel like my life just goes on.  I must be a bad mother."   Really I do feel like a bad mother most of the time.  I mean, I just lost my 25 year old son 2 months ago, I should be shriveled up in bed and a crying mess.  Instead I am taking burlesque classes, getting ready to perform this weekend, making costumes, standing in line for tickets to the see the President, training for a half marathon with Omi and just moving on with life.

I know I am not suppose to judge myself for the way that I grieve or don't grieve.  But I just don't understand it.  And maybe it's not for me to understand.

But I can honestly say, today I was given 2 punches to the gut...and tears have been shed.  And man would I give anything to have that smiling baby back in my arms again!!!!  Hell, I would even take the mouthy obnoxious 16 year old that I wanted to kill when he got arrested back!!!!  I just want my boy back.  Plain and simple.

January 18, 2015 Let's Get This Party Started

Or at least some 1/2 marathon training, anyway.

Today is has been raining for most of the day and I woke up with some major back pain.  I was all about skipping our training session today.  But Naomi said, "But I need to start training."  So we put on our running gear and she pulled our her big rainbow umbrella that she got for Christmas and we headed out.

I know that doing a 1/2 marathon is a big deal already, but for Omi, this is a HUGE deal.  She has done several 5Ks with me, and they have always been a leisurely stroll and not competitive at all.  She does not run.  As a matter of fact, she has a doctor's excuse in PE that keeps her from getting her heart rate up.  Omi was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, General Anxiety, Separation Anxiety and PTSD just before school started.  Running in PE was causing her major panic attacks.  Running caused her heart rate to shoot up, she had a hard time catching her breath, she was afraid she would pass out in front of her classmates which caused a panic attack.  This means that in PE, all she has to do is a leisurely stroll.  We plan on walking the 1/2 marathon, but I do not plan on doing it as a leisurely stroll.  We plan on working for this medal.

Today as we started out, we went fast enough to get our heart rates up and to break a sweat.  It was also a bit chilly and damp out (which can make breathing a bit difficult for a person without issues).  I kept a close eye on her, and she did great.  Since this was our first time out, and since it was raining and we needed a bit of extra motivation, we decided to walk 2 miles to the bagel store to get sandwiches and then walk back. We walked the 2 miles at 17:25/mile.  We had our bagels then walked back.  She asked if we could walk a bit slower since we just ate.  We did, but it only brought down our time to 17:37/mile.  All said and done, we did 4 miles in 1 hour 10 minutes and change.  Not bad for a first training "run".

While on our run, we talked about ways to push through when pain hits or when she feels like she just can't take another step or breath. We discussed visualizing crossing the finish line.  I told her what she could expect from crossing the finish line at a Final Kick Event race.  Final Kicks is the best race organization in the area.  They are very friendly to walkers.  Christy (one of the race directors) will go out to meet the last racers out on the course and walk/run them in.  Or she will be at the finish line with the music pumping waiting for you to cross the line, put the medal around your neck and give you a huge hug!  I had Naomi picturing herself crossing the line, with Christie at the other end waiting for her, the announcement of her name over the PA... "Naomi Spiva crossing the finish line at 3 hours 45 minutes finishing her very first 1/2 marathon." And those at the finish line cheer and clap as she crosses the line, receives her medal and her hugs from Christie.    I saw Naomi's face as we talked about this.  She had a huge smile on her face and maybe even the start of tears in her eyes.  She wants this.  She is ready for this.  

We discussed our training plan.  We planned out what our mileage will be for week day walks and our mileage for our long walks on the weekends.  The race is in 4 weeks.  We are jumping right into this.  But I think she will be ready. I know she will be ready.  Her heart is in this.  She did great today and I am so proud of her!

How often do you get excited for your goals?  How often do you set a goal that scares the crap out of you and makes you stretch yourself further than you thought you could go.  My 15 year old daughter is doing this, and I could not be any prouder!  She is learning that she is much stronger than she think she is!  I love seeing the light in her eyes!

After the walk, it was time to hit burlesque practice with Suzy.  That is so much fun!!!  First we sat in a circle with the other members of our group and did a show and tell with our costumes in the making.  Then we practiced our routine over and over again.  There was lots of laughs.  We are a great group of women together.  The chemistry is awesome!

After class, Suzy and I came home and went to work on our costumes (bras and panties).  Naomi came down to join us with her own crafts and to give a lending hand and expert advise on costume design.  Omi has a great eye for clothing design.  All 3 of us made a mess in the kitchen and giggled and laughed.  Then Suzy and I showed Omi our dance.  I love these 2 girls!

This week coming up will be a whirlwind of a week (especially if I actually score tickets to President Obama's visit here at BSU this week).

Here's to a fun week of more dancing, creativity, walking, and getting healthy both physically and emotionally!