Many of you may not know, but Nick spent 12 out of his 25 years living here in this house in Florida. His first 6 years were spent here while Tracy went to college at Brevard Community College and then to Florida Tech. Then when he and Suzy got married 6 years ago, they moved here to keep an eye on my mom. So for 12 years of his life, he lived in this house. And since we moved around a bit, that also means, this is the house he spent the longest time in.
All I have wanted to do for the last month is go back home to my family so that we can all be together. And yes, that is still what I want. But I think being here for the last month, hanging out with his friends, laughing with his friends, hearing the stories from his friends.. all of this has made me live in a bit of denial. As long as I was here walking in his stomping grounds, hanging with his friends, sleeping in the house he spent almost 1/2 of his life in, I can still believe that maybe he will come walking through that door. I can feel him with me.
Closing up this house is not just about moving my mom, but its about really saying goodbye to so many memories of my son. And I can't even imagine what this is like for Suzy who spent her entire married life here. My heart breaks for her when I think about that. My heart breaks for so many things.
I have had the enormous pleasure and honor of getting to meet so many of Nick and Suzy's friends. I have been able to hang out with them and get to know them and hear stories. And they have all accepted me as part of the group from the beginning. I have to say that Nick and Suzy surrounded themselves with a very high caliber of people. They had a diverse group of friends... from Ultimate Frisbee to Secular Student Alliance to Geospace Physics Lab to both of their jobs, the friends they have made are fabulous! The impact that Nick made on the lives of the people he touched is astounding. I know I have said that before, and I do not know why I am so shocked by it all, but I am. I guess because he was 25 years old. The life experience he packed into those 25 years is crazy. I know that if I had died at 25 years old, I would not have had the kind of crazy love and support that Nick and Suzy have had.
Today while at his memorial with Pranav, Pranav described going to the memorial as a "pilgrimage" that he would be taking several times over the next 3 semesters (what he has left at FIT). This struck me. The couple of times I have been to the signs, I have had a very hard time leaving. Why? It's not like HE is there. The fact of the matter, his "body" such as it is, is at the house. So why am I so drawn to this corner where he died? Nick has shown himself to me in other places of this city. He has held me while I cried on the beach. He is where ever I am and I need him to be. He has been in idaho. He has been in this house. And yes, he has been at that corner. And every time we go to that corner, he always sends Chelsea or Akeem to the corner to be with us. They don't know we are there, yet they come driving by and "find" us there. Tonight's Chelsea's GPS "screwed" up and sent her a direction down Eber she NEVER takes, and she ended up seeing us on the corner and stopped to be with us. This was Nick's doing. We all know this. But why do we feel drawn to THAT spot? Pranav said it is a space of significance. This is true. It is. It is a place where all of our lives got flipped upside down and inside out. And we are all still trying to figure out what to do and how to do things from here in our new normal in a world without Nick. Pranav tried his best not to cry; though I do not think he succeeded. Suzy cried (which she needed to do). I did not. But leaving the signs, I placed a kiss on his name and walked away and I felt my heart tug and tears well up in my eyes.
Tonight while getting ready to leave Nick and Suzy's favorite sandwich shop, a song came on that sent me through memories of going to Diamond Back Baseball Games with the kids. And it was like a gut punch all over again. Yes, I realize the D-backs were in AZ, but we had so much fun with the kids at the games. *sigh*
So tonight I am alone in this house.. the house where Nick spent 12 years. I am alone with the memories of him crawling around and eating a dead cock roach.... GROSS! I have memories of my youth group coming over here for a pool party and the way those teenagers adored Nick and played with him. I have memories of his room. I have memories of him sharing a room with us.. his crib up against a wall and our bed in the same room. I have memories of his first day of Kindergarten. I have memories of his playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Nate when Nate was a newborn and throwing Nate across the room. I have memories of Nick having his first food in the wooden high chair in this dining room where I am typing this. I have memories of Nate here too. I have memories of Nate in his Johnny Jumper that hung in the pocket doorway. Memories of Nate raiding the Christmas Cookie tins. I have memories of Christmases spent in this living room. Memories of canoeing through the swamps with the kids. Memories of running through the sanctuaries. Memories of Christmas parties where I almost burned this house down with candles. I have memories of Nick's first birthday party in the park just out back. Sooo many memories are in this house... and I'm here alone with them tonight. Nick's urn is hanging out with me in my bedroom tonight since Suzy is working an over nighter. Just me, Nick and my memories.
All of this is a bit too much. For the first 6 years of Nick's life, he lived in this house with his parents and his grandma. For the last 6 years of his life, he lived in this house with his wife and his grandma. And for the month after his death, it has been me and his wife...the beginning and end of his life... together, alone going through memories, packing up his life and holding each other.
Packing up this house and leaving Florida makes this all so very real. The fight with the hospital is done and there is no more distracting me from reality. This is it. My first born son has left this physical world. There is no more living in denial... no more distractions.. just reality as painful as it is.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Friday, December 12, 2014
A Quiet Walk With Nick Brings Resolution and Closure
It has been a wild ride for the last month. The loss of Nick's wedding ring has been traumatic. It wasn't the loss of the ring that was traumatic, but rather the insensitive way in which the hospital handled the situation. Today, Nick told me to go for a walk through the Turkey Creek Sanctuary. He told me that I would get the phone call I was waiting for while I was there. So I went to the sanctuary, and I saw his shadow walking beside me (there was no sun out.. and no one around me, but I saw a tall then shadow of a man right beside me on the board walk). I felt his arm around me and he told me he loved me. He brought back my playful side and helped me relax and laugh and be silly.
And sure enough, I got the phone call I had been waiting for.
From the very first visit to pick up Nick's belongings and we asked, "Where are the missing charms and wedding ring?" The answer SHOULD have been, "I do not know, but let me put you in touch with Rosina Jones our Risk Management Manager, and she will do a thorough investigation for you." That is not what happened. Instead that first day, we got "I don't know." and a lecture from the security officer about.. "this is why I do not let my kids ride motorcycles." It snowballed from there.
Seeing my blog posts and facebook posts about the missing wedding ring, a family member decided to intervene by getting an Investigative Reporter involved (without asking us for permission or even warning us to expect a phone call). I was already following up through the proper channels (that i knew about) and my next step was to send emails up a higher set of people). I was furious at the intrusion and violation of my privacy. Dealing with an investigative reporter meant I would have to tell my story AGAIN, and every time I have to do that it is so freakin' painful. But in the end, it was *MY* decision to work with the reporter. Why? Because I thought I would only have to tell my story ONCE more and that "once more" would go straight to where it needed to go and BAM! I would have my answers. That is not the way it worked.
Instead, I had a barrage of calls from the hospital employees trying to cover their asses. I had some complete lies told to me. And there were some genuine misunderstandings and miscommunications (both on my part and the Risk Management Manager). Each time I spoke to someone at the hospital, I got angrier and angrier. This anger was pretty damn scary, and truthfully, even though it was *my* decision to work with this reporter, every time I had to speak with the incompetent people at the hospital, my anger would be directed at not just the hospital but the family member who contacted the reporter. I am working very hard to heal this anger, but right now....its a matter of unwinding something very tangled.
Anyway, after being interviewed by the reporter the day that we put up the memorial signs at the intersection where Nick was killed and speaking with Rosina Jones, the Risk Management Manager at the hospital, we have finally found peaceful resolution, and the fact that this happened because a reporter got involved at the request of a family member is not lost on me..but that is a different issue right now.
Nick (in his death) has found a way to teach and help me grow and help a whole hospital grow and learn to provide better more compassionate service. Here is what is happening according to Rosina Jones.
1) The entire hospital staff from phone operators to security to nurses will under go new sensitivity training.
2) The Security staff will be retrained with new policies on how to handle "lost personal items". Instead of reciting policy and pointing fingers or simply saying, "I don't know" or "Well his ring must have been cremated with him", they will now be able to say, "I am so sorry about this. I do not know the answer, but let me put you in contact with our Risk Management Manager and she will do a full investigation on this and get back to you with answers." (Had this happened a month ago, this would have all been resolved in a day instead of a month later).
3) The Florida Highway Patrol will also work with the hospital to find a more efficient way to get victim ID info to the hospital so that the family can be notified sooner and if the victim is a donor (such as Nick), they will be able to actually pursue this and make this desire a reality..instead of having a "John Doe" die on a table with organs now unusable and family not notified until HOURS later. This would have also helped with the loss of personal items.
4) And finally, Nick made sure that the Physics Department that he loved so much will be shown some more love. No one knew this, but when I was given a tour of the lab that Nick worked in, I had wished there was a way to make a donation in his memory to the physics department. A way to give back in his name. But we were focused on making sure there was enough money to get Suzy home and Nick's services taken care of. Well Rosina Jones, after apologizing profusely, offered to make a donation to the physics department in Nick's name with a memorial plaque. This was Nick's doing.. his way of making sure my wishes were carried out....and making sure the people that he loved, the department that he loved was cared for.
So as horrible as all of this was... and handled in a fashion I would have never asked for... good things have happened or are happening or will be happening. And for that I am grateful.
The TV piece will air sometime next week, and if it brings awareness to motorcycles and prompts the hospital to follow through with their promises... then all of this will have been for good.
And sure enough, I got the phone call I had been waiting for.
From the very first visit to pick up Nick's belongings and we asked, "Where are the missing charms and wedding ring?" The answer SHOULD have been, "I do not know, but let me put you in touch with Rosina Jones our Risk Management Manager, and she will do a thorough investigation for you." That is not what happened. Instead that first day, we got "I don't know." and a lecture from the security officer about.. "this is why I do not let my kids ride motorcycles." It snowballed from there.
Seeing my blog posts and facebook posts about the missing wedding ring, a family member decided to intervene by getting an Investigative Reporter involved (without asking us for permission or even warning us to expect a phone call). I was already following up through the proper channels (that i knew about) and my next step was to send emails up a higher set of people). I was furious at the intrusion and violation of my privacy. Dealing with an investigative reporter meant I would have to tell my story AGAIN, and every time I have to do that it is so freakin' painful. But in the end, it was *MY* decision to work with the reporter. Why? Because I thought I would only have to tell my story ONCE more and that "once more" would go straight to where it needed to go and BAM! I would have my answers. That is not the way it worked.
Instead, I had a barrage of calls from the hospital employees trying to cover their asses. I had some complete lies told to me. And there were some genuine misunderstandings and miscommunications (both on my part and the Risk Management Manager). Each time I spoke to someone at the hospital, I got angrier and angrier. This anger was pretty damn scary, and truthfully, even though it was *my* decision to work with this reporter, every time I had to speak with the incompetent people at the hospital, my anger would be directed at not just the hospital but the family member who contacted the reporter. I am working very hard to heal this anger, but right now....its a matter of unwinding something very tangled.
Anyway, after being interviewed by the reporter the day that we put up the memorial signs at the intersection where Nick was killed and speaking with Rosina Jones, the Risk Management Manager at the hospital, we have finally found peaceful resolution, and the fact that this happened because a reporter got involved at the request of a family member is not lost on me..but that is a different issue right now.
Nick (in his death) has found a way to teach and help me grow and help a whole hospital grow and learn to provide better more compassionate service. Here is what is happening according to Rosina Jones.
1) The entire hospital staff from phone operators to security to nurses will under go new sensitivity training.
2) The Security staff will be retrained with new policies on how to handle "lost personal items". Instead of reciting policy and pointing fingers or simply saying, "I don't know" or "Well his ring must have been cremated with him", they will now be able to say, "I am so sorry about this. I do not know the answer, but let me put you in contact with our Risk Management Manager and she will do a full investigation on this and get back to you with answers." (Had this happened a month ago, this would have all been resolved in a day instead of a month later).
3) The Florida Highway Patrol will also work with the hospital to find a more efficient way to get victim ID info to the hospital so that the family can be notified sooner and if the victim is a donor (such as Nick), they will be able to actually pursue this and make this desire a reality..instead of having a "John Doe" die on a table with organs now unusable and family not notified until HOURS later. This would have also helped with the loss of personal items.
4) And finally, Nick made sure that the Physics Department that he loved so much will be shown some more love. No one knew this, but when I was given a tour of the lab that Nick worked in, I had wished there was a way to make a donation in his memory to the physics department. A way to give back in his name. But we were focused on making sure there was enough money to get Suzy home and Nick's services taken care of. Well Rosina Jones, after apologizing profusely, offered to make a donation to the physics department in Nick's name with a memorial plaque. This was Nick's doing.. his way of making sure my wishes were carried out....and making sure the people that he loved, the department that he loved was cared for.
So as horrible as all of this was... and handled in a fashion I would have never asked for... good things have happened or are happening or will be happening. And for that I am grateful.
The TV piece will air sometime next week, and if it brings awareness to motorcycles and prompts the hospital to follow through with their promises... then all of this will have been for good.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
An Apology and An Offer.......
But maybe not enough to make the anger go away.
So first off, this whole missing wedding ring thing has been quite the emotional roller coaster on top of a roller coaster ride! It's not a ride I would ever wish on ANYONE (either one of these individually much less together)!
Next, I would like to make clear that people in serious grief often do not HEAR things correctly nor do they understand things correctly. And people trying to save the life of another individual do not always focus on small details like jewelry; they are there to save a life not jewelry. With that said, there were some HUGE mistakes made and misunderstandings galore.. all over the place.
After spending time going back and forth on the phone from the hospital and the news reporter today, I was a big disaster of an emotional mess. I was already tired and sleep deprived when I got a phone call from Chris (the Investigative Reporter from Orlando who is doing a piece on the missing ring and the hospital's behavior). He said that the Public Relations from Health First (the company that runs most of the hospitals and doctors offices here in Florida) said that the Risk Management Manager from Holmes Regional Medical Center left me a message today, trying to get hold of me. (I never got any messages; neither did Suzy; neither did Tracy.) I called the PR lady back and explained that there were no phone calls from anyone in Risk Management. I also explained that I understood that this RM lady was out of town from Nov 17 to Dec 25. The PR lady assured me that the RM lady was indeed at work that week and was working on the case. I was furious. I even called the RM lady again myself to listen to see if she would answer and all I got was the voice mail saying she was out of town..stating dates again. Again I heard Nov 17 to Dec 25 which made it sound like she was on some kind of extended vacation or some kind of surgery (that is 6 weeks). "Why would she be back to work then?" After dealing with the hospital for the last month, I was really beginning to think this was some kind of lying conspiracy and I was fit to be tied (again).
I dropped off Suzy to work and headed to run some errands. As I was sitting in the parking lot of a store, I get a voice mail (I never heard my phone ring.. NEVER and it was on loud). It was the RM lady giving me specific instructions on how to reach her after hours. I was to call the main operator and for her by name, Rosina Jones. The operator would then transfer me directly to her. So I called once and ended up following the directions of the automated answering thing and it sent me to Rosina's office and I heard her voice message again. It did not say she would be out from Nov 17 to Dec 25; it said she would be out Nov 17 to Nov 25 and since it was PASSED Nov 25 and the message was still there, my grieving mind thought it said Dec 25th. (MY BAD). I called a second time and got the operator (which is not an easy task for a huge hospital). Finally on with the Operator I asked for Rosina Jones by name. "May I ask who is calling?" By this time, I am pretty certain that the whole hospital hears my name and quakes in their boots. I give her my name. She asks what this is in reference too. Like she is going to just leave a message. I tell her it's about the missing wedding ring that belonged to my son who died there a month ago. Her response, "Oh, well Rosina is the head of our Risk Management Department. You need to speak to lost and found."
If you have been following this drama, you can imagine what my response was. I took a deep breath, gritted my teeth and said, "I am trying very hard not to get angry with you. If I were you, I would just transfer me. I was told to call and ask for Rosina Jones by name and that you would transfer me to her immediately. Please do so." She puts me on hold again. When she comes back, she has Rosina.
This conversation was not easy. It was very tense. She starts by expressing her condolences for the loss of my son. Then she asks me to describe what has happened in my previous conversations. I tell her in detail what has happened. The round and round. The finger pointing. The lack of compassion. Some of he exact words of her security team. She then expresses to me that she has investigated this thoroughly.. She has spoken with all of the people who have touched my son's body while trying to save his life. She spoke with the First Responders. She spoke to the nurses. She spoke to the doctors. She spoke to the medical examiners. She spoke to the security team. She spoke with everyone including the president of Health First who owns the freakin' hospital network in Florida. She tells me what happened in the hospital that night.
Nick came in without his wallet or ID. The Florida Highway Patrol had these things. They had no idea who Nick was. (Which is why it took HOURS for Suzy to be contacted after Nick's passing.) Without ID or wallet they could not know who he was. So the nurse immediately looked for a wedding band. She saw none. Rosina says that everyone agrees this ring could have come off at the accident (which is what we were thinking in the first place...until the charms from the necklace showed up). So that is when we went back to the hospital looking and that is when things got crazy and out of hand. Anyway, no one ever remembers seeing a ring. We had already talked to the first responders and knew that they had not seen a ring. Nor had anyone seen any gloves (which we were told by a bystander that he was wearing, but truthfully, Suzy could not figure out why Nick was wearing gloves that day it was not cold enough for them and his gloves that he rides with were in his back pack and she couldn't figure out what other gloves he might be wearing.) I also had a random person message me today; she witnessed the accident that killed Nick and was first to his body. I asked her about the gloves/ring. She said she did not see any gloves and did not recall seeing a ring, but that was not first on her list, I guess. Not sure it would be mine either.
Anyway, after a long and intense conversation with Rosina, in the end, she had apologized profusely and has told me the measures they were going to put in place with the hospital to make sure more families are not treated this poorly. We ended the conversation and I was still shaky and very upset. An apology (even though that is the best I could hope for) was still empty after all of the grief I had been put through by the hospital. It didn't help that we had a pretty graphic conversation about Nick's injuries...she wanted to make sure I had the info I wanted/needed for closure.
I went about my shopping, holding back tears as best I could. Got back in my car and started to drive home, deciding that I would just drive to the site of the accident where we had just placed memorial signs. I needed to cry and that place would help. As soon as I started to exit the parking lot I got a phone call from Rosina again. She had an offer for me and wanted me to sleep on it. She said she felt horrible about the way we have been treated. She understood Nick was about to graduate FIT and was a brilliant student in the Physics Department. She wanted to know if the hospital could make a donation to the FIT Physics Dept in Nick's name and add a plaque. This touched me deeply. Not because she was trying to make amends but because NO ONE knew that I really wanted to create a memorial for Nick at FIT .. I wanted his life to mean something and to leave a legacy at FIT...beyond what he has already done. I wanted there to be some kind of scholarship fund.. some kind of donation to the Physics department in Nick's' name. No one knew that, but here is what I had been asking for being handed to me.
I told her that I had to talk to Suzy first...we hung up and I kept driving. I drove straight to the intersection where the memorial signs are placed. I had tears threatening to take over and I still had miles to go. Finally I got there and as soon as I reached the sign I started wailing. Uncontrollable very audible wailing. I didn't care what runner ran by, what cyclist rode by, what car drove by..I just wailed. Then I sat down to call Tracy to talk and check in. As I was talking to him and crying... my new friend (Nick and Suzy's friend) Akeem, pulled up. He had been driving by and saw me sitting there and didn't want me there alone. So he sat there with me and held me while I cried. Nick knew I needed someone and he sent Akeem.
I thought this was a resolution. I told Suzy while she was on break at work. I thought this would help her feel better cause I had been so angry. But she said it made her more upset/angry and we would talk when she got off of work. *sigh* I feel like shit or upsetting her while at work.
I guess the saga continues. I will talk to Suzy tonight and see what is going on through her mind. It pains me that this "ring chasing" is causing her pain. When the reporter was sent our direction, I was PISSED that a 3rd party with "good intentions" sent him our direction without ever asking us. Didn't she know how hard this would be on us? Didn't she know we were doing the best we could, following the protocol that should be followed (or at least the ones I knew about)? When the reporter called me, I ran it by Suzy first. She said she didn't care, she just didn't want to have to talk to him and have to tell the story over and over and over agian. But I am afraid that even though SHE wasn't doing the talking, I have allowed my own anger at this process to affect her and hurt her even more. I should have said "no" to the repoter. I should have walked away. But I thought *maybe* the well meaning 3rd party could be right...and *maybe* I could tell the story ONE more time instead of having to repeat it over and over and over again in order to get my answers. I had no idea that phone calls and drama this would stir up once he started poking around. I had no idea the anger that it would stir up. I had no idea how much worse it could make it (at least in the short run) before it could make it better (in the longer run). Now there is no turning back, and I am totally afraid that in my agreeing to do this, I have hurt Suzy more. I want my anger directed at the 3rd party, but even though she sent the reporter to me without talking to me, ultimately *I* am the one who agreed to it. So ultimately, it is my responsibility and I am hurting Suzy because I can not control my rage and anger and she is the one I talk to.
Anyway....I guess we will find out what happens later..... Remind me to tell you about the woman who emailed me today... the woman who witness the accident. That is a whole different conversation that is really pretty cool.
Thanks for letting me vent.
So first off, this whole missing wedding ring thing has been quite the emotional roller coaster on top of a roller coaster ride! It's not a ride I would ever wish on ANYONE (either one of these individually much less together)!
Next, I would like to make clear that people in serious grief often do not HEAR things correctly nor do they understand things correctly. And people trying to save the life of another individual do not always focus on small details like jewelry; they are there to save a life not jewelry. With that said, there were some HUGE mistakes made and misunderstandings galore.. all over the place.
After spending time going back and forth on the phone from the hospital and the news reporter today, I was a big disaster of an emotional mess. I was already tired and sleep deprived when I got a phone call from Chris (the Investigative Reporter from Orlando who is doing a piece on the missing ring and the hospital's behavior). He said that the Public Relations from Health First (the company that runs most of the hospitals and doctors offices here in Florida) said that the Risk Management Manager from Holmes Regional Medical Center left me a message today, trying to get hold of me. (I never got any messages; neither did Suzy; neither did Tracy.) I called the PR lady back and explained that there were no phone calls from anyone in Risk Management. I also explained that I understood that this RM lady was out of town from Nov 17 to Dec 25. The PR lady assured me that the RM lady was indeed at work that week and was working on the case. I was furious. I even called the RM lady again myself to listen to see if she would answer and all I got was the voice mail saying she was out of town..stating dates again. Again I heard Nov 17 to Dec 25 which made it sound like she was on some kind of extended vacation or some kind of surgery (that is 6 weeks). "Why would she be back to work then?" After dealing with the hospital for the last month, I was really beginning to think this was some kind of lying conspiracy and I was fit to be tied (again).
I dropped off Suzy to work and headed to run some errands. As I was sitting in the parking lot of a store, I get a voice mail (I never heard my phone ring.. NEVER and it was on loud). It was the RM lady giving me specific instructions on how to reach her after hours. I was to call the main operator and for her by name, Rosina Jones. The operator would then transfer me directly to her. So I called once and ended up following the directions of the automated answering thing and it sent me to Rosina's office and I heard her voice message again. It did not say she would be out from Nov 17 to Dec 25; it said she would be out Nov 17 to Nov 25 and since it was PASSED Nov 25 and the message was still there, my grieving mind thought it said Dec 25th. (MY BAD). I called a second time and got the operator (which is not an easy task for a huge hospital). Finally on with the Operator I asked for Rosina Jones by name. "May I ask who is calling?" By this time, I am pretty certain that the whole hospital hears my name and quakes in their boots. I give her my name. She asks what this is in reference too. Like she is going to just leave a message. I tell her it's about the missing wedding ring that belonged to my son who died there a month ago. Her response, "Oh, well Rosina is the head of our Risk Management Department. You need to speak to lost and found."
If you have been following this drama, you can imagine what my response was. I took a deep breath, gritted my teeth and said, "I am trying very hard not to get angry with you. If I were you, I would just transfer me. I was told to call and ask for Rosina Jones by name and that you would transfer me to her immediately. Please do so." She puts me on hold again. When she comes back, she has Rosina.
This conversation was not easy. It was very tense. She starts by expressing her condolences for the loss of my son. Then she asks me to describe what has happened in my previous conversations. I tell her in detail what has happened. The round and round. The finger pointing. The lack of compassion. Some of he exact words of her security team. She then expresses to me that she has investigated this thoroughly.. She has spoken with all of the people who have touched my son's body while trying to save his life. She spoke with the First Responders. She spoke to the nurses. She spoke to the doctors. She spoke to the medical examiners. She spoke to the security team. She spoke with everyone including the president of Health First who owns the freakin' hospital network in Florida. She tells me what happened in the hospital that night.
Nick came in without his wallet or ID. The Florida Highway Patrol had these things. They had no idea who Nick was. (Which is why it took HOURS for Suzy to be contacted after Nick's passing.) Without ID or wallet they could not know who he was. So the nurse immediately looked for a wedding band. She saw none. Rosina says that everyone agrees this ring could have come off at the accident (which is what we were thinking in the first place...until the charms from the necklace showed up). So that is when we went back to the hospital looking and that is when things got crazy and out of hand. Anyway, no one ever remembers seeing a ring. We had already talked to the first responders and knew that they had not seen a ring. Nor had anyone seen any gloves (which we were told by a bystander that he was wearing, but truthfully, Suzy could not figure out why Nick was wearing gloves that day it was not cold enough for them and his gloves that he rides with were in his back pack and she couldn't figure out what other gloves he might be wearing.) I also had a random person message me today; she witnessed the accident that killed Nick and was first to his body. I asked her about the gloves/ring. She said she did not see any gloves and did not recall seeing a ring, but that was not first on her list, I guess. Not sure it would be mine either.
Anyway, after a long and intense conversation with Rosina, in the end, she had apologized profusely and has told me the measures they were going to put in place with the hospital to make sure more families are not treated this poorly. We ended the conversation and I was still shaky and very upset. An apology (even though that is the best I could hope for) was still empty after all of the grief I had been put through by the hospital. It didn't help that we had a pretty graphic conversation about Nick's injuries...she wanted to make sure I had the info I wanted/needed for closure.
I went about my shopping, holding back tears as best I could. Got back in my car and started to drive home, deciding that I would just drive to the site of the accident where we had just placed memorial signs. I needed to cry and that place would help. As soon as I started to exit the parking lot I got a phone call from Rosina again. She had an offer for me and wanted me to sleep on it. She said she felt horrible about the way we have been treated. She understood Nick was about to graduate FIT and was a brilliant student in the Physics Department. She wanted to know if the hospital could make a donation to the FIT Physics Dept in Nick's name and add a plaque. This touched me deeply. Not because she was trying to make amends but because NO ONE knew that I really wanted to create a memorial for Nick at FIT .. I wanted his life to mean something and to leave a legacy at FIT...beyond what he has already done. I wanted there to be some kind of scholarship fund.. some kind of donation to the Physics department in Nick's' name. No one knew that, but here is what I had been asking for being handed to me.
I told her that I had to talk to Suzy first...we hung up and I kept driving. I drove straight to the intersection where the memorial signs are placed. I had tears threatening to take over and I still had miles to go. Finally I got there and as soon as I reached the sign I started wailing. Uncontrollable very audible wailing. I didn't care what runner ran by, what cyclist rode by, what car drove by..I just wailed. Then I sat down to call Tracy to talk and check in. As I was talking to him and crying... my new friend (Nick and Suzy's friend) Akeem, pulled up. He had been driving by and saw me sitting there and didn't want me there alone. So he sat there with me and held me while I cried. Nick knew I needed someone and he sent Akeem.
I thought this was a resolution. I told Suzy while she was on break at work. I thought this would help her feel better cause I had been so angry. But she said it made her more upset/angry and we would talk when she got off of work. *sigh* I feel like shit or upsetting her while at work.
I guess the saga continues. I will talk to Suzy tonight and see what is going on through her mind. It pains me that this "ring chasing" is causing her pain. When the reporter was sent our direction, I was PISSED that a 3rd party with "good intentions" sent him our direction without ever asking us. Didn't she know how hard this would be on us? Didn't she know we were doing the best we could, following the protocol that should be followed (or at least the ones I knew about)? When the reporter called me, I ran it by Suzy first. She said she didn't care, she just didn't want to have to talk to him and have to tell the story over and over and over agian. But I am afraid that even though SHE wasn't doing the talking, I have allowed my own anger at this process to affect her and hurt her even more. I should have said "no" to the repoter. I should have walked away. But I thought *maybe* the well meaning 3rd party could be right...and *maybe* I could tell the story ONE more time instead of having to repeat it over and over and over again in order to get my answers. I had no idea that phone calls and drama this would stir up once he started poking around. I had no idea the anger that it would stir up. I had no idea how much worse it could make it (at least in the short run) before it could make it better (in the longer run). Now there is no turning back, and I am totally afraid that in my agreeing to do this, I have hurt Suzy more. I want my anger directed at the 3rd party, but even though she sent the reporter to me without talking to me, ultimately *I* am the one who agreed to it. So ultimately, it is my responsibility and I am hurting Suzy because I can not control my rage and anger and she is the one I talk to.
Anyway....I guess we will find out what happens later..... Remind me to tell you about the woman who emailed me today... the woman who witness the accident. That is a whole different conversation that is really pretty cool.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
It's been a Month.....
A month ago, I received the phone call no parent ever wants to receive. It was from Susan after 9pm at night on November 10th. I knew when I picked up the phone, it was not going to be good news. "Martha, I have terrible news." I hear her sobbing into the phone. In a flurry of thoughts, I expected to hear, "Your mom is dead." But I couldn't understand why she would be as upset as her voice sounds. Yes, the news of my mom dieing would be horrible for her, but not the kind of pain I was hearing. Then she said. "It's Nick......" My heart stopped. "What???!!!!" She continues. "He had a motorcycle accident, and he didn't make it." Then she continues to sob and my mom comes on the phone.
Okay, so that is the best way I can describe that phone call. It probably went a bit differently than that.. but that is how I remember that part of the call. The call was long and I kept telling my mom to take are of Suzy until I could get there. I talked with the Florida Highway Patrol who had just given Suzy the news. I talked to my mom again. I saw my family crumple up in a bunch of sobs and hugs on the flat flight of our stair well. Everyone around me was sobbing... and I was on the phone making phone calls.
No one wants to hear this kind of news. No one wants to hear that their son was just killed. It was a flurry of activity that night and no one slept. All we knew is we HAD to be in Florida the next day. We had no idea how much it would cost, but we are gonna get there.. all of us. No one was staying behind. It ended up costing several thousand dollars to get here..but that is nothing compared to what we had just lost.
Thankfully, I had Nate's birth certificate and his social security card and his arrest record page.. with those things he was able to get homeland security check points at the airport without his drivers license (which he had JUST lost 2 days before).
In the last month, we have been surrounded by miracles and amazing people and lots of love. Nick and Suzy's friends are amazing. While the Spiva and Saathoff family flocked to Florida (when no one had ANY plans for memorial..just knew we all needed to be together), Nick and Suzy's friends were bringing food and making plans for a memorial so I didn't have to worry about those things. We were able to focus on Suzy and on Nick. We started the fundraising site and was able to raise over $9,000 on that site..huge thank yous to everyone who has donated. This money is helping to get Suzy (and my mom) relocated to Idaho.. and helped take care of memorial stuff for Nick. I asked my friend Angie to get the information for POD to move our stuff from Florida to Idaho. I asked my friend Michelle in Idaho to help get info for housing for my mom there in Idaho. And my friend Pamela organized dinner deliver to my my family (when they got back home) for 2 weeks. A whole army of amazing people came out to support my family both in Florida and in Idaho.
When I first heard the news, I didn't think I knew how to "bury" my son. I didn't think I knew how to do this. But I guess I did. Thankfully, Nicks co-workers at the Geospace Physics Lab put together an amazing Memorial Weather Balloon Launch for him; which was perfect. The only thing I had to take worry about, was the funeral home stuff. Tracy and I held Suzy's hand through this process and the three of us got it worked out and planned....we even had a small army helping with the design of the Urn Nick is in. ON his viewing day, we wrote and drew pictures all over his cardboard casket. We sang Tenacious D's "Dude" at the top of our lungs and we put poems and trinkets in with his body. But when it came down to it, Nick received the king's burial he had wanted.....wooden green coins on his eyes in a cardboard box and we escorted him to the crematory where we mimed shooting arrows of fire at his "ship" as he was being pushed out to sea to burn like the king of the vikings. It was beautiful and perfect... and just what he had wanted. Nick had a glorious send off in Florida.. but there is still more to come in Idaho.
My family, including my mom, flew back to Idaho. All the Spivas and the Saathoffs left Suzy and I here to deal with the house and pack things up. My brother Mark came back for a weekend to pick up furniture that was to go back to Dallas to my brothers. And Suzy and I have been cleaning and packing like crazy. My parents lived in this house since 1987 and didn't throw anything away. Every time I come here for some kind of tragic illness or accident, I have had the honor of cleaning this house out. This time, is the last time though. This process has been one filled with anger/sadness/intrigue/magic/laughter and a whole slew of other emotions. It's like a genuine roller coaster over here.
There is so much to say about what has happened in the last month, but I have already blogged about much of it.
Today, however, marks the 1 month anniversary. Today, Suzy and some of her's and Nick's friends and I went to the intersection where he was killed while the Brevard County sign guy came out to put the permanent memorial sign up for us. We also put in our own motorcycle awareness sign for Nick. ON top of that, we also had Christopher Heath from an Orlando TV station come out and interview us about Nick's missing wedding ring and the poor quality of care we are receiving from Holmes Region Medical Center. At first Suzy said she did not want to speak on camera. But today, she ended up doing just that. I am so proud of how strong and amazing Suzy is. Today, at the corner, we cried and wept and hugged and laughed and we told Nick's story to this reporter. Not just about his ring, but (off camera) just how amazing Nick was and about the article that is coming out that Nick wrote and about his graduate plans and how much he loved to do things that got his adrenaline pumping. It was another "memorial" of sorts for Nick.. and for us.
When we came home, we realized that our "bagster" (temporary dumpster) was picked up (as it was scheduled to be....but they had given us a 3 day time frame). We are one step closer to being out of Florida. Tomorrow, the POD gets picked up and so does Suzy's Jeep. They will begin their journey to Idaho before we do. We will be left with very little left in this house.. and sleeping on air mattresses.
Tonight we have a farewell party here at the house.... so I guess I should probably get to it. People will start arriving in 3 hours.
I really don't know how to describe what has happened and how my life has changed in just a months time frame. I don't know how to describe the punches to the gut I receive almost daily. I don't know how to describe the anger that I feel towards certain people. I do not know how to describe WHY I have attached anger towards some people and I pray that one day that anger will be resolved. I really don't know how I have gotten this far into this process... What I can tell you is that I will be very glad to leave Florida. I will be very glad to be reunited with my family in Idaho. And I miss my son Nicky more than anything. He is forever a part of my life.... and he helped mold and shape me into the incredible mom people keep telling me that I am. He taught me so much about myself.. and even in his death he continues to teach me.
One breath at a time.......
Okay, so that is the best way I can describe that phone call. It probably went a bit differently than that.. but that is how I remember that part of the call. The call was long and I kept telling my mom to take are of Suzy until I could get there. I talked with the Florida Highway Patrol who had just given Suzy the news. I talked to my mom again. I saw my family crumple up in a bunch of sobs and hugs on the flat flight of our stair well. Everyone around me was sobbing... and I was on the phone making phone calls.
No one wants to hear this kind of news. No one wants to hear that their son was just killed. It was a flurry of activity that night and no one slept. All we knew is we HAD to be in Florida the next day. We had no idea how much it would cost, but we are gonna get there.. all of us. No one was staying behind. It ended up costing several thousand dollars to get here..but that is nothing compared to what we had just lost.
Thankfully, I had Nate's birth certificate and his social security card and his arrest record page.. with those things he was able to get homeland security check points at the airport without his drivers license (which he had JUST lost 2 days before).
In the last month, we have been surrounded by miracles and amazing people and lots of love. Nick and Suzy's friends are amazing. While the Spiva and Saathoff family flocked to Florida (when no one had ANY plans for memorial..just knew we all needed to be together), Nick and Suzy's friends were bringing food and making plans for a memorial so I didn't have to worry about those things. We were able to focus on Suzy and on Nick. We started the fundraising site and was able to raise over $9,000 on that site..huge thank yous to everyone who has donated. This money is helping to get Suzy (and my mom) relocated to Idaho.. and helped take care of memorial stuff for Nick. I asked my friend Angie to get the information for POD to move our stuff from Florida to Idaho. I asked my friend Michelle in Idaho to help get info for housing for my mom there in Idaho. And my friend Pamela organized dinner deliver to my my family (when they got back home) for 2 weeks. A whole army of amazing people came out to support my family both in Florida and in Idaho.
When I first heard the news, I didn't think I knew how to "bury" my son. I didn't think I knew how to do this. But I guess I did. Thankfully, Nicks co-workers at the Geospace Physics Lab put together an amazing Memorial Weather Balloon Launch for him; which was perfect. The only thing I had to take worry about, was the funeral home stuff. Tracy and I held Suzy's hand through this process and the three of us got it worked out and planned....we even had a small army helping with the design of the Urn Nick is in. ON his viewing day, we wrote and drew pictures all over his cardboard casket. We sang Tenacious D's "Dude" at the top of our lungs and we put poems and trinkets in with his body. But when it came down to it, Nick received the king's burial he had wanted.....wooden green coins on his eyes in a cardboard box and we escorted him to the crematory where we mimed shooting arrows of fire at his "ship" as he was being pushed out to sea to burn like the king of the vikings. It was beautiful and perfect... and just what he had wanted. Nick had a glorious send off in Florida.. but there is still more to come in Idaho.
My family, including my mom, flew back to Idaho. All the Spivas and the Saathoffs left Suzy and I here to deal with the house and pack things up. My brother Mark came back for a weekend to pick up furniture that was to go back to Dallas to my brothers. And Suzy and I have been cleaning and packing like crazy. My parents lived in this house since 1987 and didn't throw anything away. Every time I come here for some kind of tragic illness or accident, I have had the honor of cleaning this house out. This time, is the last time though. This process has been one filled with anger/sadness/intrigue/magic/laughter and a whole slew of other emotions. It's like a genuine roller coaster over here.
There is so much to say about what has happened in the last month, but I have already blogged about much of it.
Today, however, marks the 1 month anniversary. Today, Suzy and some of her's and Nick's friends and I went to the intersection where he was killed while the Brevard County sign guy came out to put the permanent memorial sign up for us. We also put in our own motorcycle awareness sign for Nick. ON top of that, we also had Christopher Heath from an Orlando TV station come out and interview us about Nick's missing wedding ring and the poor quality of care we are receiving from Holmes Region Medical Center. At first Suzy said she did not want to speak on camera. But today, she ended up doing just that. I am so proud of how strong and amazing Suzy is. Today, at the corner, we cried and wept and hugged and laughed and we told Nick's story to this reporter. Not just about his ring, but (off camera) just how amazing Nick was and about the article that is coming out that Nick wrote and about his graduate plans and how much he loved to do things that got his adrenaline pumping. It was another "memorial" of sorts for Nick.. and for us.
When we came home, we realized that our "bagster" (temporary dumpster) was picked up (as it was scheduled to be....but they had given us a 3 day time frame). We are one step closer to being out of Florida. Tomorrow, the POD gets picked up and so does Suzy's Jeep. They will begin their journey to Idaho before we do. We will be left with very little left in this house.. and sleeping on air mattresses.
Tonight we have a farewell party here at the house.... so I guess I should probably get to it. People will start arriving in 3 hours.
I really don't know how to describe what has happened and how my life has changed in just a months time frame. I don't know how to describe the punches to the gut I receive almost daily. I don't know how to describe the anger that I feel towards certain people. I do not know how to describe WHY I have attached anger towards some people and I pray that one day that anger will be resolved. I really don't know how I have gotten this far into this process... What I can tell you is that I will be very glad to leave Florida. I will be very glad to be reunited with my family in Idaho. And I miss my son Nicky more than anything. He is forever a part of my life.... and he helped mold and shape me into the incredible mom people keep telling me that I am. He taught me so much about myself.. and even in his death he continues to teach me.
One breath at a time.......
Monday, December 8, 2014
Someone Died, And You Want To Help......
But how?
Grief is an interesting creature. In the last several years, I have lost several friends and family in various ways. Most commonly, they have gone by illness. Death is tragic no matter how it happens, though (in my personal opinion and experience) illness allows you at least some time to prepare for loss (even though you can never really be prepared to say goodbye). I have lost loved ones to drunk drivers, car vs. motorcycle and car vs. bike, and to suicides. In these situations, there is no "preparedness", just instant loss. And the anger part of the grief is usually going in completely different directions. If it's an accident, the anger is directed toward the other driver's way. If its a suicide, the anger can be directed at the person who took their own lives. In all of these cases, anger can be directed at random people who just want to help you deal with your grief.
All you want to do is help, and the person grieving is overwhelmed and you never know what mood they are in.
Okay, this blog may be all over the place and may not make sense. I'm trying here.
Here is what I have experienced and what has prompted this blog and thought process.
Nick was killed in a horrific car vs. motorcycle accident, where the driver behind the wheel of the car was at fault. Nick was 25, about to graduate from college, was a shining star in his field of study, was about to start a family with his beautiful wife, and he had the world ahead of him. And in an instant, he was ripped from our arms in a horrific way. Anger is to be expected. Anger from his parents, his wife, his siblings, and the extended family and even people who have never met him but have heard the story.
As soon as people hear the tragic story, most people instantly want to help. They want to jump in head first and do whatever they can to help the grieving family. Why? Well, I believe part of it is because they truly do want to help. Also, by helping, it allows them to feel better about their life. I'm not trying to be mean, I just think its true. (survivor's guilt, its a real thing and people want to help to relieve that guilt.) They are angry and they want to do something, because doing nothing hurts and they have no place to direct their anger. And helping seems to be a positive outlet.
This is where much of the "lets bring food over" or "lets send flowers" comes from. And over the years, families have decided that rather than sending flowers to show you care, they would much rather have money sent to some charity or a memorial fund of some sort. This gives people a venue and a way to "do something" when they feel so powerless. In our case, we did open up the fundraising page in order to help cover the costs of Nick's memorial services as well as get Suzy moved back home to Idaho. It allowed people to help and "do something".
However, still many people are angry. Part of that anger is caused by the crazy Florida laws that do not protect or help those who have suffered in some kind of car accident. Part of the anger is the result of a lost wedding ring after Nick's accident. And friends and family want to "rage against the machine" so to speak. They want to "do something" to make it right or to help Suzy and I deal with things.
I completely get that. I really do. It's hard to be far away from the people you love when they are grieving, especially when you read blogs from this grieving mom about the frustrations I feel at the wheels of justice or lack there of. And my friends and family feel powerless and they just want to help.
Most people do. So how do you do that? How do you help a grieving parent and/or wife?
Recent events have prompted me to take a look at the way I have tried to help a friend of mine who lost her son to suicide last year. I would like to think that I handled it "well". That I offered to help and didn't overwhelm her with my own grief and ideas of what I thought should happen. I would like to think that I checked my own selfishness in needing to feel like I am doing something in order to make myself feel better and that I stopped short of overwhelming my dear friend.
Those of us who are "movers and shakers" find it hard to sit on our hands and do nothing; especially when we see our friends and family hurting. But sometimes, that is what really needs to happen. And if we feel like we NEED to do something, we need to stop and really evaluate our motives and our actions before taking action. And we need to look at the situation objectively; if we can't do that, then we need to step away and do NOTHING. Why? Because if we can't look at a situation objectively, then we are acting from a place of selfishness rather than compassion. It has become about "us" rather than about "them". It has become, "What will make ME feel good?" rather than, "Will this make THEM feel better?"
So here is what I think, before you decide to take action to "help" someone who is grieving, maybe take some of these things into consideration:
1) Have they asked for help with the particular situation.
2) Have you asked them if they would like your help with the situation?
3) If you see them being obviously riddled with hurt and pain, then maybe stepping back and just listening is the right thing to do rather than to just jump into action. Maybe they just need to be heard rather than fixed.
4) Before you act, think. You obviously have a desired outcome you have in mind, but have you thought about what the journey to that outcome will do to/for the people you want to help? (In a case where there is an extreme amount of anger (yours or theirs)..this is vital. Are you acting from a place of vengeance and injustice and will your actions perpetuate the pain of the people you intend to help (even if the desired outcome may be good). Believe me, in this situation, the ways will not justify the means. You need to be clear about your motive and be clear about where the people you are trying to help stand with this.
5) Just because someone blogs and wears their hearts on their sleeves for the world to view, does not mean that you have their permission to run with that information and act on their behalf to try and find justice for them.
6) Be clear. Your grief journey is YOURS and theirs is theirs. Not everyone grieves in the same way at the same time. Grief is fluid. Yes there are steps to grief. But these steps are very fluid. Sometimes you move forward and some times you go backwards and sometimes you feel several things all within an hour. If you are grieving as well, and you want to help. Be clear which stage of grief you are acting from when you act. And be very clear that what you do will not have an ill affect on the person you are trying to help. What you think is positive to you, might very well hit the grieving parent/spouse at a grief stage that is less than ideal. This is why communication is so very important when trying to help someone.
7) Do be be attached to your ideas of help. What you might think is a great idea for you, may not be a great idea for those who are grieving. Emotions run high and run crazy. Many times, situations cause the parent/spouse to feel overwhelmed and they just can't take on one more thing. And if it requires having to relive a trauma over again, they may not have the energy to deal with it.
8) Give people space. If someone is doing something or has set something a certain way, do not change it to meet your needs or because you think your idea is better. People do things the way they see fit in order to be comfortable while they are grieving. Remember, though you may be grieving as well, everyone needs their space and if a parent/spouse has lost their child/spouse, it is not about you and what makes you happy or comfortable. It is about them, and they very well may need their space and their own time to deal with things on their own.
9) Do not get offended. You may think you have the best idea in the world, and the grieving parent/spouse may think otherwise. Who knows why they have declined your offer for help, but it's not up to you to question it. Just accept it and move on without offense. They are trying to do the best that they can with what they have been given, and the extra drama of your offense, is only going to make matters worse.
10) Respect. This all comes down to compassion and respect. Learn to read the signs. Sit still and listen. And if you have a question, ask. Do not assume whatever it is you want to do is going to be okay. The old saying, "Better to ask for forgiveness than for permission" does NOT apply in this situation.
Yup.. I think that is about it. I could be wrong. But I think based on what I have lived through (on both ends of this game of life) this is pretty accurate.
For me, I know that I am surrounded by this huge amazing circle of family and friends. And so many people are grieving over the loss of my son Nick. And I am constantly reminding myself that people just want to help. They are angry and grieving too. I keep reminding myself that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own speed. I keep reminding myself to act and speak from a place of compassion and do not rush to judgement. And sometimes I find myself getting really angry because I have to remind myself of these things.. that I have to be watchful, mindful and compassionate of other people's grief over my son and make sure I don't tread over their grief when I feel like it is *my* son and I should be able to feel whatever I feel and not have to worry about what other people think or do. *laugh* But the world doesn't work that way. So I pull up my big girl panties and move on and pray for peace and find things to be grateful for.... like the fact that even if someone's actions (when they are trying to help) hurt me, I realize they are really just trying to help because they love me.
There is no book on this.... like I said.. maybe I should write one.
Grief is an interesting creature. In the last several years, I have lost several friends and family in various ways. Most commonly, they have gone by illness. Death is tragic no matter how it happens, though (in my personal opinion and experience) illness allows you at least some time to prepare for loss (even though you can never really be prepared to say goodbye). I have lost loved ones to drunk drivers, car vs. motorcycle and car vs. bike, and to suicides. In these situations, there is no "preparedness", just instant loss. And the anger part of the grief is usually going in completely different directions. If it's an accident, the anger is directed toward the other driver's way. If its a suicide, the anger can be directed at the person who took their own lives. In all of these cases, anger can be directed at random people who just want to help you deal with your grief.
All you want to do is help, and the person grieving is overwhelmed and you never know what mood they are in.
Okay, this blog may be all over the place and may not make sense. I'm trying here.
Here is what I have experienced and what has prompted this blog and thought process.
Nick was killed in a horrific car vs. motorcycle accident, where the driver behind the wheel of the car was at fault. Nick was 25, about to graduate from college, was a shining star in his field of study, was about to start a family with his beautiful wife, and he had the world ahead of him. And in an instant, he was ripped from our arms in a horrific way. Anger is to be expected. Anger from his parents, his wife, his siblings, and the extended family and even people who have never met him but have heard the story.
As soon as people hear the tragic story, most people instantly want to help. They want to jump in head first and do whatever they can to help the grieving family. Why? Well, I believe part of it is because they truly do want to help. Also, by helping, it allows them to feel better about their life. I'm not trying to be mean, I just think its true. (survivor's guilt, its a real thing and people want to help to relieve that guilt.) They are angry and they want to do something, because doing nothing hurts and they have no place to direct their anger. And helping seems to be a positive outlet.
This is where much of the "lets bring food over" or "lets send flowers" comes from. And over the years, families have decided that rather than sending flowers to show you care, they would much rather have money sent to some charity or a memorial fund of some sort. This gives people a venue and a way to "do something" when they feel so powerless. In our case, we did open up the fundraising page in order to help cover the costs of Nick's memorial services as well as get Suzy moved back home to Idaho. It allowed people to help and "do something".
However, still many people are angry. Part of that anger is caused by the crazy Florida laws that do not protect or help those who have suffered in some kind of car accident. Part of the anger is the result of a lost wedding ring after Nick's accident. And friends and family want to "rage against the machine" so to speak. They want to "do something" to make it right or to help Suzy and I deal with things.
I completely get that. I really do. It's hard to be far away from the people you love when they are grieving, especially when you read blogs from this grieving mom about the frustrations I feel at the wheels of justice or lack there of. And my friends and family feel powerless and they just want to help.
Most people do. So how do you do that? How do you help a grieving parent and/or wife?
Recent events have prompted me to take a look at the way I have tried to help a friend of mine who lost her son to suicide last year. I would like to think that I handled it "well". That I offered to help and didn't overwhelm her with my own grief and ideas of what I thought should happen. I would like to think that I checked my own selfishness in needing to feel like I am doing something in order to make myself feel better and that I stopped short of overwhelming my dear friend.
Those of us who are "movers and shakers" find it hard to sit on our hands and do nothing; especially when we see our friends and family hurting. But sometimes, that is what really needs to happen. And if we feel like we NEED to do something, we need to stop and really evaluate our motives and our actions before taking action. And we need to look at the situation objectively; if we can't do that, then we need to step away and do NOTHING. Why? Because if we can't look at a situation objectively, then we are acting from a place of selfishness rather than compassion. It has become about "us" rather than about "them". It has become, "What will make ME feel good?" rather than, "Will this make THEM feel better?"
So here is what I think, before you decide to take action to "help" someone who is grieving, maybe take some of these things into consideration:
1) Have they asked for help with the particular situation.
2) Have you asked them if they would like your help with the situation?
3) If you see them being obviously riddled with hurt and pain, then maybe stepping back and just listening is the right thing to do rather than to just jump into action. Maybe they just need to be heard rather than fixed.
4) Before you act, think. You obviously have a desired outcome you have in mind, but have you thought about what the journey to that outcome will do to/for the people you want to help? (In a case where there is an extreme amount of anger (yours or theirs)..this is vital. Are you acting from a place of vengeance and injustice and will your actions perpetuate the pain of the people you intend to help (even if the desired outcome may be good). Believe me, in this situation, the ways will not justify the means. You need to be clear about your motive and be clear about where the people you are trying to help stand with this.
5) Just because someone blogs and wears their hearts on their sleeves for the world to view, does not mean that you have their permission to run with that information and act on their behalf to try and find justice for them.
6) Be clear. Your grief journey is YOURS and theirs is theirs. Not everyone grieves in the same way at the same time. Grief is fluid. Yes there are steps to grief. But these steps are very fluid. Sometimes you move forward and some times you go backwards and sometimes you feel several things all within an hour. If you are grieving as well, and you want to help. Be clear which stage of grief you are acting from when you act. And be very clear that what you do will not have an ill affect on the person you are trying to help. What you think is positive to you, might very well hit the grieving parent/spouse at a grief stage that is less than ideal. This is why communication is so very important when trying to help someone.
7) Do be be attached to your ideas of help. What you might think is a great idea for you, may not be a great idea for those who are grieving. Emotions run high and run crazy. Many times, situations cause the parent/spouse to feel overwhelmed and they just can't take on one more thing. And if it requires having to relive a trauma over again, they may not have the energy to deal with it.
8) Give people space. If someone is doing something or has set something a certain way, do not change it to meet your needs or because you think your idea is better. People do things the way they see fit in order to be comfortable while they are grieving. Remember, though you may be grieving as well, everyone needs their space and if a parent/spouse has lost their child/spouse, it is not about you and what makes you happy or comfortable. It is about them, and they very well may need their space and their own time to deal with things on their own.
9) Do not get offended. You may think you have the best idea in the world, and the grieving parent/spouse may think otherwise. Who knows why they have declined your offer for help, but it's not up to you to question it. Just accept it and move on without offense. They are trying to do the best that they can with what they have been given, and the extra drama of your offense, is only going to make matters worse.
10) Respect. This all comes down to compassion and respect. Learn to read the signs. Sit still and listen. And if you have a question, ask. Do not assume whatever it is you want to do is going to be okay. The old saying, "Better to ask for forgiveness than for permission" does NOT apply in this situation.
Yup.. I think that is about it. I could be wrong. But I think based on what I have lived through (on both ends of this game of life) this is pretty accurate.
For me, I know that I am surrounded by this huge amazing circle of family and friends. And so many people are grieving over the loss of my son Nick. And I am constantly reminding myself that people just want to help. They are angry and grieving too. I keep reminding myself that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own speed. I keep reminding myself to act and speak from a place of compassion and do not rush to judgement. And sometimes I find myself getting really angry because I have to remind myself of these things.. that I have to be watchful, mindful and compassionate of other people's grief over my son and make sure I don't tread over their grief when I feel like it is *my* son and I should be able to feel whatever I feel and not have to worry about what other people think or do. *laugh* But the world doesn't work that way. So I pull up my big girl panties and move on and pray for peace and find things to be grateful for.... like the fact that even if someone's actions (when they are trying to help) hurt me, I realize they are really just trying to help because they love me.
There is no book on this.... like I said.. maybe I should write one.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Little Wonders.....
Today, while cleaning out the remainder of the kitchen, I came across a mug that I very clearly remember Nick using when he was little.
The image I have of him is in this exact outfit and this exact age. His little chubby hands holding onto this mug probably filled with juice cause he was allergic to milk products when he was little. His chipmunk cheeks, bright eyes and the smile that could light up a room. I remember this like it was yesterday. Seriously.
I found this mug, and that is the exact memory I had. I touched the mug like it was fine china and just about cried. My breath was taken away by this moment, like he was 2 years old again..all grins and all mischief!
It was at this time that I bough "The Little Mermaid" on VHS tape. I bought it for Nick, but found out that Tracy was just as excited about it.. maybe even more. That is when I realized that my husband was really just a big kid at heart and loved his cartoons. "The Little Mermaid" became Nick's favorite movie. Quickly followed by "The Jungle Book". He new how to work the VHS player and he rewound and pushed play over and over and over again. Yes, we let the VHS player babysit Nick so we could sleep in. *laugh* Of course, that didn't stop Nick from putting money into the VHS player thinking it was a bank. Once he even tried to put a sandwich in there!
This was about the age, we decided to have another kid. It's no secret, we were hoping for a little girl. Nick really wanted a baby sister. When he found out Nate was born, he was at the daycare center when he was told he had a brother, and he cried. He wanted a baby sister, but my mom took him out shopping for a toy for his new baby brother. And He bought Nate this cool yellow dinosaur with orange dots.
It was pretty much love at first sight at that point. And just as we were moving, Nate made sure to pack his Dinosaur and take his dino with him to the new house. He still loves that thing.
Of course, love at first sight, to a 3 year old, meant "I have a new play mate". Someone forgot to tell him that a newborn is not much of playmate and throwing your new born baby brother across the room while playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was not a great idea. *laugh*
Of course, when we finally decided to have one last kiddo and we found out it was going to be a girl, both Nick and Nate were thrilled and they could not wait to meet her.
There are so many great moments between then and the day that he died that I remember... its those little wonders.. those small moments that are getting me by.
One very important one was the day that I took he and Suzy to tour Idaho State University. I didn't want them to go there. We had told Nick that we would help with tuition for college. We had a perfectly good university right there in Boise. But Nick insisted that he and Suzy wanted the typical "college experience" and they wanted to live away from home and in the dorms. He was told he would have to come up with the money for room and board. So, reluctantly, I drove them to the tour. It's a 3 hour drive one way from Boise. So we woke up and OMG its way too early in the morning and drove to Pocatello. Spent the day there and then had to drive home. Nick and Suzy crashed out in the back seat of the car. Dead asleep. And "Little Wonders" came on the radio, and I bawled my eyes out.
I may have been reluctant for him to go away to ISU, but I had the distinct pleasure of being the one that escorted these 2 amazing human beings to their college tour. I got to see their excitement. I got to be there in THAT moment, and its a moment I will never ever get to relive, but I was so grateful for THAT moment and for all the moments that lead up to that moment. And I promised myself, that I would never let "little wonders" pass me by for my children.
No matter how much I hated it, they were all getting older. They were all going to grow up and move out of the house one day, I and I needed to appreciate each moment I had with them. I got to share moments with my kids that most parents NEVER get to experience, and I am so grateful!
As we pack up the house that Nick spent 12 out of his 25 years in, I realize that many of these "Little Wonders" happened right here in this house and finding that mug today reminded me of that. And packing up his things NOW with Suzy reminds me of packing up his things when he left for college and when they left for Florida a year later. It's these moments......these little wonders.. these twists and turns of fate.......these are what make our lives. These are what made MY life...and I'm so grateful.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
When a Ghost or Spirit is Near.....
If you watch Ghosthunters or anything like that, so many of them say that when a spirit is near, the air is cold.
I never really gave it much thought.
I have been known to have connections with people who have passed or even such deep spiritual connections with people who are alive and across the other side of the world that they know what is going on with me and call me instantaneously when I needed them the most. So I totally believe that our loved ones can connect with us when they want to for feel the need to for whatever reason.
A couple of days ago, Nick woke me up at 4am to tell me to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. While on the beach, he told me to play "our song" that we danced to at his wedding. I did. And I bawled my eyes out right there in public. But I could literally feel his arms around my shoulders hugging me. Several times I have heard him talking to me telling me to help Suzy with specific things and thanking me for being here and telling me that he loves me.
Suzy has had her own encounters that are for her to tell.. not me...
But something she said struck me the other day....
When the "check engine" light came on in the car that I had JUST had inspected at his previous place of work, I was all kinds of confused. I took it back to Sears to have them look at it. They came back and said, "That's weird. It's nothing serious. Just the engine is running 'too cool'. We cleared the codes and you are good to go."
I got back in my car and lost it again. I just sat there and bawled. And I said to myself, "Nick just sent me here to cry again." (This was the same day that I had driven by the woman's house (the one who hit him) and I was so dang angry). I think he needed me to feel loved and protected and cared for.
As a matter of fact, on this trip (which is a financial challenge of crazy proportions) I keep saying, "I am protected, loved and cared for" Over and over and over again.
Anyway, then Suzy and I were talking about our encounters again last night and it dawned on me...."They say when spirits are around the air is cool." And that blasted car was running "too cool" (unexplainably in the heat of Florida). And Suzy and I looked at each other and laughed. It was NICK!!! He made the car "too cool" so I would go into Sears and cry. *laugh* Seriously. That is what happened.
God, I love that boy of mine! He just wanted me to go to a place where people would care for me like they would care for their own mom... and I would feel cared for and protected in that moment..which is what I needed the most.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)