ER, E78, R83, ED, ME, PSO.........
Emergency Room
Engine #78
Rescue #83
Emergency Department
Medical Examiner
Physician Specialty Office
Today we had a whole list of places to run to and things to do. But most of our running around and energy went into the scavenger hunt for Nick's wedding ring that is still missing.
We had Suzy's friend Chelsea talking to the ambulance company. No one remembers seeing a ring or taking a ring off of him and nothing was found in the rig. We talked to the first responders which was the fire station at the corner of the accident. They said they had no reason to take off any of gloves so never saw a ring or took one off. So we thought we would go back to the hospital to see if they would take Suzy back to the lost and found (with an escort) to let her look for the ring; that did not work out the way we wanted.
First let me tell you why this is such a HUGE deal. Aside from it being Nick's wedding ring, the thing that really fires us up is that it is OBVIOUS that protocol and accidents happened when it comes to the handling of Nick's personal affects. According to the Security Managers at the hospital, this is the way it is SUPPOSED to go:
***Trauma comes in
***Security Officer meets the trauma
***Nurses remove personal affects and hand them to Officer right there in the room.
***Officer logs all affects and keeps them in a bag in a room somewhere safe until the family comes to collect them.
***Family goes to hospital to collect them. Things in bag are listed on a piece of paper and family signs off on them.
(as long as protocol is followed properly, this should be the end of it.)
Our problem....
Suzy went to pick up his affects from the hospital. She received a bag and signed off for it. His necklace that he has worn every day of his life since 8th grade was in the bag, but the charms that were ON that chain were missing and the chain was in one piece. Also, one sock was given to Suzy but the other was missing and no sock was listed on the paper that they logged stuff on. Things that they CUT off of Nick and we would not be getting back were also listed and scratched out so we could see what was there in total. (An obvious red flag).
A couple of days later, when the funeral home receives Nick's body from the Medical Examiner, they hand us a bag with a paper attached listing 2 items... the charms that were on Nick's necklace. But that is all. How they got these items, we have no idea. It certainly did not meet protocol as laid out above. And the funeral director knew we were looking for his ring, and there was no ring on Nick's body.
So, after talking to the Fire Departments and the Ambulance people, we decided to try one more time at the hospital. Maybe we could ask the head of security for help. Instead, we were sent on a crazy scavenger hunt. Security has no record and they were very confused about how the chain and the charms got separated and how they ended up with the ME. We told him that we have an eye witness saying that Nick was wearing gloves but those are missing too. He shakes his head very confused. He goes over protocol like 3 times with us. And we keep saying, "Yes, we understand, but obviously something went wrong." So then he says we can find the doctor and/or nurses who worked on Nick. Maybe they will remember seeing a ring on his finger. He sent us to Physicians Specialty Office (where the trauma doctors all have offices). The receptionist very apologetically told us there was nothing she could do, and that we need to go to Medical Records to find out exactly what happened to his body. We started walking towards Medical Records but stopped at the ER to ask for Nursing Supervisor. We explained what we wanted, and the receptionist there went to the security officer to ask about objects they might have. We stopped her mid-sentence. "We have already gone through security. We need to talk to the nurses to see if they even remember a ring." Finally she goes on the hunt and comes back out and tells us they will be right with us.
Then a social worker comes out. Not the Nursing Supervisor. (All we want to know is if ANYONE remembers seeing a ring on Nick's finger) Again we tell the story to the Social Worker. We explain our search and who we have spoken to. "Well you need to call the ME." "Also, you need to talk to the Patient Advocate and file a grievance." *sigh* A letter of complaint? I am all about those at this point in time!
We walk back to our car. I call the Medical Examiner. After a couple of phone tags, the answer is, "According to our paper work, the only thing Nick came into the ME with was his boxers. They didn't even receive the charms. However, upon releasing him to the Funeral Home they DID have paperwork that included the charms." Some how.. some way.. they received the charms from some where. But where and how and by whom??? No one freakin' has a clue!
The next call I make is to the advocate. He asks some "painful" (according to him) questions and apologizes profusely. I tell him the story AGAIN and he promises to get right on it and investigate the situation. *sigh* Great. Just please find the ring!
At this point, we have no idea where to go and how to find the ring. And the more we search, the angrier we get.
I realize that the first responders and the hospitals first priority is the patient's life. But when someone dies, their personal affects are so very important to the survivor. And this is a hard one to let go.. especially as we see some HUGE mistakes happened somewhere and everyone wants to quote policy and point fingers and no one wants to say.. "Hey, ya know, we really fucked up. We are sorry."
Once again, the lady who hit Nick has insurance that covers property damage and our lawyer has sent a letter of demand, which includes the cost of the wedding ring. But money doesn't take place of a person or a sentimental object that signifies something so very important.
When I have the energy, I will be writing very long angry letters to ALL of the people who handled Nick's body and his personal affects detailing out exactly what has happened and how badly they fucked this one up. They need to know and be held accountable. Every single one of them.
I really can't get out of Florida fast enough. Between bagster bandits, crazy drivers, doctors who breach ethical conduct and basically spiritually rape my daughter in law while she is undressed and on their examination table and the way that the people have treated my son's personal affects, I am soooo damned done with this state.
Give me chocolate and promise no one will die... they might be harmed, but they will live to see another day.... maybe. *sigh*
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Sunday, November 30, 2014
I Threw My Baby Away.....
Or at least that is what it felt like.
Suzy and I packed up Nick's stuff yesterday. I have been trying to give her space to grieve and move at her own pace. I don't want to interfere with private moments, but I also want to be available if she needs me. I can only imagine the kind of pain she is in. So yesterday, she asked me to help pack up Nick's dragon collection.
Nick LOVED dragons, and he had quite the collection. So we found a plastic tub and wrapped the "you know what" out of those dragons to make sure they stayed safe. It was hard, but it gave me some kind of pleasure to care of the things that were so important to him. And I enjoyed the time with them, touching them, remembering how they came into his possession and hearing stories of ones I had not seen before or didn't realize the story about.
Once the dragons were packed, we started on his books. Nick LOVED books. He loved learning. He loved collecting antique books. And he also had quite the collection of text books. He is much like his Daddy. He just couldn't part with his school books.
Once the books in the shelves were packed, we moved on to the end table where Nick held his most current semester's books and notebooks. The books were easy to pack. But then we came to his notebooks. Suzy opened each one and I saw his handwriting. I longed to touch the papers, to run my fingers over his handwriting. We discussed what to do with all of this. Nick didn't throw anything away, and it was really only his current semester's worth of work anyway, but there was ALOT of it.
A friend of ours had talked about the options of dealing with things. He was in reference to Tracy filling out insurance paperwork for the coming year. It was tearing Tracy apart to not add Nick on the insurance. Our friend suggested "ripping the band aid off" and doing it now instead of having to revisit the situation. So we discussed this possibility in dealing with Nick's homework papers. Once we retrieved anything remotely related to his Lightning Study, we were still faced with a huge pile of homework folders. Do we rip the band aid off or pack up papers that were "useless" and incomprehensible to so and carry it across country only to have to go through them again later and go through this pain again (possibly). We decided on the band aid approach.
I grabbed a hand full of notebooks. Suzy grabbed a hand full and we started walking to the garbage bins outside. I held these notebooks in one arm kind of on my hip the way I would have carried Nick when he was a baby. The weight was about the same... or at least enough to stir those emotions and memories. I caressed the notebooks, and I told them that I loved them, like I had been telling my son that I loved him. Then we opened up the trash bins, and placed the notebooks on top of the trash. We closed the bins and started to walk into the house. Suzy said, "I wish we had a bon fire." And I was doing my best to hold back tears. I seriously felt like I had just thrown my baby in the trash!
We came inside to make dinner. We stood in the kitchen. Both of us looking lost. I asked Suzy for a hug and we stood there holding each other for a very long time and we cried. We both felt as though we had just thrown our boy in the trash. It was so damn heart breaking. This whole "band aid method" was a seriously bad idea. I held Suzy and as I started to let go, she grabbed me tighter and we continued to cry and I told her that I would stand here and hold her as long as she needed me to. I told her I would likely hold on to her for a very long time and maybe even too tight at times and she will likely have to tell me to let go and let her breathe (metaphorically). I expressed my concern of holding onto her as a means of holding onto my son. She understood. The last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable and we talked about that. We talk about alot of things. All the while I am still holding her. Then it hit her. She used to stand in that same position with Nick right there in that kitchen while making dinner, and she sobbed again.
Then it dawned on me. I am Nick's mom, the woman who gave birth to him. She is Nick's wife, the woman who loved and cherished him when he was no longer my little baby. The two women who loved him most in this world are the ones going through his things and letting him go in very personal ways. I am grateful for the honor to be part of this with Suzy. She could have had anyone she wanted here, but I get to be the one to help her. And I am grateful for that.
But we still felt like we had thrown Nick out. I could hear Nick talking to me. "Really, mom?" I knew he wasn't happy. I talked to Tracy and asked him about it. In the end, it was decided that we would resurrect Nick from the trash and bring his work home to be burned in the bon fire at his Boise memorial. It will be sent back to Nick which is what he would have wanted, and it is exactly what the family in friends in Boise will need to help release and bring closure. Once that decision was made, Nick stopped yelling at me and Suzy and I felt peace. We were able to sit and visit the rest of the night and just talk about things.
Being able to sit here and talk to Suzy about the dreams they shared and be here for her when she cries is so important to me. I love that girl so much.
As of today, by the time she went to work, she has pretty much emptied out her "TV room" and got some amazing progress in packing and cleaning.
It's a long road to recovery for all of us, but its getting there... breath by breath.
Suzy and I packed up Nick's stuff yesterday. I have been trying to give her space to grieve and move at her own pace. I don't want to interfere with private moments, but I also want to be available if she needs me. I can only imagine the kind of pain she is in. So yesterday, she asked me to help pack up Nick's dragon collection.
Nick LOVED dragons, and he had quite the collection. So we found a plastic tub and wrapped the "you know what" out of those dragons to make sure they stayed safe. It was hard, but it gave me some kind of pleasure to care of the things that were so important to him. And I enjoyed the time with them, touching them, remembering how they came into his possession and hearing stories of ones I had not seen before or didn't realize the story about.
Once the dragons were packed, we started on his books. Nick LOVED books. He loved learning. He loved collecting antique books. And he also had quite the collection of text books. He is much like his Daddy. He just couldn't part with his school books.
Once the books in the shelves were packed, we moved on to the end table where Nick held his most current semester's books and notebooks. The books were easy to pack. But then we came to his notebooks. Suzy opened each one and I saw his handwriting. I longed to touch the papers, to run my fingers over his handwriting. We discussed what to do with all of this. Nick didn't throw anything away, and it was really only his current semester's worth of work anyway, but there was ALOT of it.
A friend of ours had talked about the options of dealing with things. He was in reference to Tracy filling out insurance paperwork for the coming year. It was tearing Tracy apart to not add Nick on the insurance. Our friend suggested "ripping the band aid off" and doing it now instead of having to revisit the situation. So we discussed this possibility in dealing with Nick's homework papers. Once we retrieved anything remotely related to his Lightning Study, we were still faced with a huge pile of homework folders. Do we rip the band aid off or pack up papers that were "useless" and incomprehensible to so and carry it across country only to have to go through them again later and go through this pain again (possibly). We decided on the band aid approach.
I grabbed a hand full of notebooks. Suzy grabbed a hand full and we started walking to the garbage bins outside. I held these notebooks in one arm kind of on my hip the way I would have carried Nick when he was a baby. The weight was about the same... or at least enough to stir those emotions and memories. I caressed the notebooks, and I told them that I loved them, like I had been telling my son that I loved him. Then we opened up the trash bins, and placed the notebooks on top of the trash. We closed the bins and started to walk into the house. Suzy said, "I wish we had a bon fire." And I was doing my best to hold back tears. I seriously felt like I had just thrown my baby in the trash!
We came inside to make dinner. We stood in the kitchen. Both of us looking lost. I asked Suzy for a hug and we stood there holding each other for a very long time and we cried. We both felt as though we had just thrown our boy in the trash. It was so damn heart breaking. This whole "band aid method" was a seriously bad idea. I held Suzy and as I started to let go, she grabbed me tighter and we continued to cry and I told her that I would stand here and hold her as long as she needed me to. I told her I would likely hold on to her for a very long time and maybe even too tight at times and she will likely have to tell me to let go and let her breathe (metaphorically). I expressed my concern of holding onto her as a means of holding onto my son. She understood. The last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable and we talked about that. We talk about alot of things. All the while I am still holding her. Then it hit her. She used to stand in that same position with Nick right there in that kitchen while making dinner, and she sobbed again.
Then it dawned on me. I am Nick's mom, the woman who gave birth to him. She is Nick's wife, the woman who loved and cherished him when he was no longer my little baby. The two women who loved him most in this world are the ones going through his things and letting him go in very personal ways. I am grateful for the honor to be part of this with Suzy. She could have had anyone she wanted here, but I get to be the one to help her. And I am grateful for that.
But we still felt like we had thrown Nick out. I could hear Nick talking to me. "Really, mom?" I knew he wasn't happy. I talked to Tracy and asked him about it. In the end, it was decided that we would resurrect Nick from the trash and bring his work home to be burned in the bon fire at his Boise memorial. It will be sent back to Nick which is what he would have wanted, and it is exactly what the family in friends in Boise will need to help release and bring closure. Once that decision was made, Nick stopped yelling at me and Suzy and I felt peace. We were able to sit and visit the rest of the night and just talk about things.
Being able to sit here and talk to Suzy about the dreams they shared and be here for her when she cries is so important to me. I love that girl so much.
As of today, by the time she went to work, she has pretty much emptied out her "TV room" and got some amazing progress in packing and cleaning.
It's a long road to recovery for all of us, but its getting there... breath by breath.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Firsts and other things....
I know there will be plenty of "firsts" for our family, but yesterday was a truly hard day for my family. I know that pain was pretty visible on Facebook yesterday. However, we all made it through it. I am very grateful for my burlesque sisters who brought over the Thanksgiving Feast to my family; they are truly amazing. And bonus: we found out that one of my sparkle sisters has a dad in law who lives across the street...and he is one of the coolest guys on the block! So awesome!
Yesterday, here in Florida, Suzy and I had an invitation to go to one of my best friends from Florida's home for dinner. But we just couldn't pull ourselves together enough to be around people. Even though I know she is one of the people who would totally understand our grief, we just couldn't stomach the thought of being around people. Instead we went to Golden Corral with the rest of Palm Bay, Florida. OMG, the lines! We got there just in time! Then went for a walk on the beach and I showed Suzy a place she had never been before (one of my most favorite places around here...and where Nick was first put on a surf board when he was 1 year old). It was a beautiful day to be on the beach...me with sweet memories, Suzy a chance to get out to the water and explore something new and learn something new about Nick. Then we went to see the Hunger Game movie that is out now. Of course, we smuggled in rum every where we went.. genius idea! For a very painful day, it was a good day.
Yesterday, here in Florida, Suzy and I had an invitation to go to one of my best friends from Florida's home for dinner. But we just couldn't pull ourselves together enough to be around people. Even though I know she is one of the people who would totally understand our grief, we just couldn't stomach the thought of being around people. Instead we went to Golden Corral with the rest of Palm Bay, Florida. OMG, the lines! We got there just in time! Then went for a walk on the beach and I showed Suzy a place she had never been before (one of my most favorite places around here...and where Nick was first put on a surf board when he was 1 year old). It was a beautiful day to be on the beach...me with sweet memories, Suzy a chance to get out to the water and explore something new and learn something new about Nick. Then we went to see the Hunger Game movie that is out now. Of course, we smuggled in rum every where we went.. genius idea! For a very painful day, it was a good day.
Today I woke up with a list of things to do, but first I really needed to get my mom's car taken care of. It needed an oil change before the road trip and just in the last couple of days the brakes were starting to make noise. I asked suzy where to take it, but when it came down to it, I decided I needed to feel closer to Nick today. He used to work for Sears in the Automotive Department. He was recently laid off cause they wanted to be able to give their full time employees more pay/benefits. Nick totally respected that decision, and his coworkers wrote amazing things on his wall. Including Matt, his friend and Sherri his "shop mom". So today as a way of feeling closer to Nick and knowing that these people who loved him would care for me and his car like it was their own car and mom, and being able to give them a chance to say goodbye in their way (since they had to work during the memorial) I went to Sears. I was crying checking in as I met Sherri, his shop mom. She is so dang sweet and loved my boy. And she made sure that Matt worked on my car who take very good care of it. And both gave me hugs and well wishes and told me how much they loved my boy. They were nice enough to take pictures with me. I was able to take pictures of the place Nick learned how to work on cars and learned a passion for mechanics. I watched through the service window and imagined him working there and getting into arguments there (which I know he did). It made me feel closer to him.....and when it came time to leave.. I just didn't want to. I wanted to stay in the parking lot forever....I wanted to some how make my boy come back to life. I wanted him there so desperately. I sat in the car and cried for a while. Grateful to the people who loved him. Grateful for his life. Grateful for the way in which he touched other people.
Every once in a while things hit me like a punch to the gut. Today, while driving in the car, I heard a commercial for Wuestoff Hospital. This is where Nate (my 2nd boy) was born. And it hit me. Here in Florida, I have given birth to a child and I have had to say goodbye to a child. The storyteller in me said.. "Book Ends of Life."
There was something else while driving home that punched me in the gut, but I can't remember what it was. Lots of things punch me in the gut.....and I'm sure they will for quite some time.
Right now, I just really miss my boy. And I wish on soooo many things that he would just walk through that front door right now. At the same time, I am so very grateful for the family vacations we took together.. more specifically, the one 3 years ago to Texas to see his grandparents and the one this past summer where I finally made sure we got family photos taken and we got one last camping trip up in the mountains taken care of (even if scheduling that right after my surgery was a pain in the arse... soo worth it!)
Hugs your loved ones tight, people. Take lots of pictures. Tell them you love them.
Also... if you have a chance.. if you have not donated... if you have a few extra pennies... Please check out the fundraiser link to help get Suzy moved back to Florida. We are leaving on December 14th. It takes quite a bit of money to ship stuff back to Idaho from Florida, including her Jeep. Then to drive across country. Not to mention making sure she is settled and not having to worry about money for a little bit anyway. The settlement from his accident could take 6 months or more, and we want to help Suzy feel as comfortable and stable as possible. She has enough on her plate, without having to worry about money too. Thank you to everyone who has donated.... and thank you to everyone who has loved us and shown support in other way. Everything is truly appreciated.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Momma Bear's Journal: Week 2 day 3..November 26, 2014
This is gonna be another one of those posts that is kind of all over the place.
Kennel training update: Bubs is going into his kennel willinglly to just chill and rest...with is door open. This is HUGE progress. I still can't tell him to "go to bed" and have him to go his kennel, but at least he is finding it to be a comfy safe place. He is no longer howling when we put him in it and leave the house. And last night, he only whined for about 5 minutes before settling down adn going to sleep through the night and didn't even wake me up before 7 and didn't even whine after I was up and moving around. He just waited patiently for me to get dressed to take him out. WINNING!
My hopes for peaceful sleep last night did not work out so well. Yes, the dog let me sleep, but my unconscious decided it wanted to grieve while I slept. I had horrible dreams of going to events with church friends and ending up ugly crying in public. Then someone saying something insensitive to me, and I lost it and I ran out of the restaurant/bar we were in and ran down the street crying and sobbing at the top of my lungs and came crashing down holding a light pole while sitting on the ground and sobbing uncontrollably and people just passing me by. It was pretty harsh. But I realize its my unconscious grieving......so I woke up and sat in the sadness and just felt it before I rolled out of bed. And Suzy and I talked about it this morning. *sigh*
We did manage to get through the probate lawyer without them saying "happy thanksgiving" to us again today... maybe they heard my rather loud remarks after I left their office yesterday. *laugh* I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive..I'm just loud.
The other thing.... the way people look at us. When they hear that Nick is dead. We get "that" look. Suzy says the look is different based on the words she uses.. "Nick passed away" gets a gentler to handle look than "Nick was killed". I find that interesting and odd a lat the same time. What I do know is that it is awkward for everyone.....
That awkwardness brings up the other subject of Thanksgiving. Before Nick's accident, they had plans to spend it with friends from Nick's school. I guess that has not been brought up again since Nick's accident. One of my best friends from Florida from years ago has invited us over..she only just met Suzy last weekend at the garage sale, but she knew Nick when he was a baby...until we moved out of here when Nick was 6 years old. Suzy and I have gone rounds about what to do..... go out to dinner and a movie (if so WHERE do we go out?). Go to Nan's house. Maybe go to Epcot. But the idea of spending money (Especially Epcot) seems a bit unwise...but at the same time I think doing something completely unrelated to Thanksgiving and just having fun would be good for us. Either way, I was leaving this decision up to Suzy. Whatever we do, I want her to feel comfortable. So, its been decided that we are going to Nan's house.. Suzy says it feels more personal and that is what she wants. I know there will be laughter there.
The other thing I am having a hard time wrapping my head around.... the number of children I have. How do I say that. How do I wrap my head around the face that I now only have 1 son instead of 2. I have been screwing up family head count ever since Nick was killed. So badly that when we bought tickets to fly out here, I totally missed one and Omi almost didn't make it out here. In my heart there is a hole.
Then there are things I think about that Nick will not be there for or that he is missing that I really wanted him to be part of. I wanted him too see the Add The Words Documentary that I am in; he was so proud of me for getting arrested for standing up for civil rights. I always expected him to be the one to lead the crazy dancing at my own memorial service and to speak at my service. I always expected him to be the one to take care of the family. I never told him any of this, but he is the one I thought would be there to take care of us when time came. I know Nate and Omi would be there too, but I always just expected it to be Nick...maybe because he is the oldest.
I find myself wanting to wrap up my children in bubble wrap and make sure they are safe. I want to call them all the time and tell them how much I love them. I want to be with them. And god forbid they move away from me. How the hell do I let my 2 kids move away from us now? I don't think they realize they are stuck with us for ever now.
I won't be home in Idaho until just before Christmas.. but how do I hang Christmas stockings without one for Nick? How do I wrap my head around the fact that my boy is gone? *sigh*
But on the good news front... we are kicking ass and taking names on the house clearing front. (Though I'm pretty certain the trash man will hate us.) My brother will be here this weekend to take back the pieces of furniture that need to go to Texas. I still haven't found the "Saathoff Family Spoon", but I promise, I am going through EVERY DRAWER and EVERY SHELF looking. This is literally the needle in the haystack scenario.
Well time to wipe the tears and get back to work.. lots to do....
Kennel training update: Bubs is going into his kennel willinglly to just chill and rest...with is door open. This is HUGE progress. I still can't tell him to "go to bed" and have him to go his kennel, but at least he is finding it to be a comfy safe place. He is no longer howling when we put him in it and leave the house. And last night, he only whined for about 5 minutes before settling down adn going to sleep through the night and didn't even wake me up before 7 and didn't even whine after I was up and moving around. He just waited patiently for me to get dressed to take him out. WINNING!
My hopes for peaceful sleep last night did not work out so well. Yes, the dog let me sleep, but my unconscious decided it wanted to grieve while I slept. I had horrible dreams of going to events with church friends and ending up ugly crying in public. Then someone saying something insensitive to me, and I lost it and I ran out of the restaurant/bar we were in and ran down the street crying and sobbing at the top of my lungs and came crashing down holding a light pole while sitting on the ground and sobbing uncontrollably and people just passing me by. It was pretty harsh. But I realize its my unconscious grieving......so I woke up and sat in the sadness and just felt it before I rolled out of bed. And Suzy and I talked about it this morning. *sigh*
We did manage to get through the probate lawyer without them saying "happy thanksgiving" to us again today... maybe they heard my rather loud remarks after I left their office yesterday. *laugh* I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive..I'm just loud.
The other thing.... the way people look at us. When they hear that Nick is dead. We get "that" look. Suzy says the look is different based on the words she uses.. "Nick passed away" gets a gentler to handle look than "Nick was killed". I find that interesting and odd a lat the same time. What I do know is that it is awkward for everyone.....
That awkwardness brings up the other subject of Thanksgiving. Before Nick's accident, they had plans to spend it with friends from Nick's school. I guess that has not been brought up again since Nick's accident. One of my best friends from Florida from years ago has invited us over..she only just met Suzy last weekend at the garage sale, but she knew Nick when he was a baby...until we moved out of here when Nick was 6 years old. Suzy and I have gone rounds about what to do..... go out to dinner and a movie (if so WHERE do we go out?). Go to Nan's house. Maybe go to Epcot. But the idea of spending money (Especially Epcot) seems a bit unwise...but at the same time I think doing something completely unrelated to Thanksgiving and just having fun would be good for us. Either way, I was leaving this decision up to Suzy. Whatever we do, I want her to feel comfortable. So, its been decided that we are going to Nan's house.. Suzy says it feels more personal and that is what she wants. I know there will be laughter there.
The other thing I am having a hard time wrapping my head around.... the number of children I have. How do I say that. How do I wrap my head around the face that I now only have 1 son instead of 2. I have been screwing up family head count ever since Nick was killed. So badly that when we bought tickets to fly out here, I totally missed one and Omi almost didn't make it out here. In my heart there is a hole.
Then there are things I think about that Nick will not be there for or that he is missing that I really wanted him to be part of. I wanted him too see the Add The Words Documentary that I am in; he was so proud of me for getting arrested for standing up for civil rights. I always expected him to be the one to lead the crazy dancing at my own memorial service and to speak at my service. I always expected him to be the one to take care of the family. I never told him any of this, but he is the one I thought would be there to take care of us when time came. I know Nate and Omi would be there too, but I always just expected it to be Nick...maybe because he is the oldest.
I find myself wanting to wrap up my children in bubble wrap and make sure they are safe. I want to call them all the time and tell them how much I love them. I want to be with them. And god forbid they move away from me. How the hell do I let my 2 kids move away from us now? I don't think they realize they are stuck with us for ever now.
I won't be home in Idaho until just before Christmas.. but how do I hang Christmas stockings without one for Nick? How do I wrap my head around the fact that my boy is gone? *sigh*
But on the good news front... we are kicking ass and taking names on the house clearing front. (Though I'm pretty certain the trash man will hate us.) My brother will be here this weekend to take back the pieces of furniture that need to go to Texas. I still haven't found the "Saathoff Family Spoon", but I promise, I am going through EVERY DRAWER and EVERY SHELF looking. This is literally the needle in the haystack scenario.
Well time to wipe the tears and get back to work.. lots to do....
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
It's been 2 weeks.....
It's been 2 weeks since my son, Nick, was killed in a motorcycle accident. I have not journaled on paper at all. And most of my thoughts end up on Facebook in bits and pieces in posts or in the updates for his fundraising page, but none of them have really been all that deep or all of that...well I don't know... overwhelmingly sad.
I do try very hard to find the positive things to be grateful for. I do have amazing friends and even friends of friends (which are complete strangers to me) sending much needed love and financial support to my family. It's humbling. Suzy and Nick had some amazing friends who are helping us out here in the Florida house as we empty and close it out. I have some amazing friends feeding my family in Idaho. We have lots of love surrounding us. There have been times of crazy laughter. And then times of crazy sadness. There are times when everything is normal and I am going about my daily business when all of a sudden it sneaks up on me and I'm a crying mess in public. It is what it is. There are no rule books on how to mourn the loss of your son who was tragically taken from you by a horrible horrible vehicle accident. (Okay, maybe there are books on it... I haven't looked yet.)
I feel like I need a "Captains Journal" to log all of the craziness of this Florida trip. What would I name is though? "Grieving Mother's Journal, Nov 25, 2014. Day 1..." That doesn't really seem right. I'm grieving but most of the time, you would never really know that. "Mean Doggy Step Mom's Journal...." I don't think I'm all that mean and this dog gets as much love as my own dog, just needs some training (which of course, he may think is mean.) "Circus Ring Leaders Journal" but that doesn't quite fit anyone more when its just Suzy and I (except for the Crazies of Florida). I just don't know what I would call it. It's a mixture of all of that.
Last night, was the first night I made Bubs (my mom's poodle) sleep in his kennel. On top of mourning my son, helping my daughter in love through all of this, and clearing out my mom's house, I have been kennel training my mom's poodle. He is NOT a puppy and is very spoiled and used to ruling the roost around here. When I was here for 5 weeks last year, I had him kennel trained, so some of it is coming back pretty naturally. But other parts like sleeping in his kennel, well he is not very happy about that. I thought I would try to let him sleep with me (since that is what my Mom would do), until he decided to pee on the floor in the bedroom. That is unacceptable behavior for so many reasons: 1) He will be living my new house with my new floors 2) It is a slipping hazard for my mom 3) Its just plain gross! The problem is, putting him in the kennel to sleep, he wails and cries miserably and no one gets any sleep. So we went to the store to buy a collar to stop baring and crying; the trainer said he is only doing that cause of anxiety and the zap collar would make it worse. So we walked out of there, with a thundershirt, some calming edibles that have melatonin in them and went to the store to buy lavender scented plug ins to put beside his kennel.
I threw mom's throw blankets (ones he cuddles up with during the day) into his kennel, and put him in there and hoped for the best. Instantaneously he cried. OMG..he cried. I turned up some soothing music on Pandora hoping that would help. Nope. He cried. I kept talking to him. He cried. OMG. I didn't think he would ever stop! Finally he did. And he even slept trough the thunder storm (which my dog would not do). So....we will keep up with this regimen and hopefully by the time we leave, Bubs will be completely kennel trained. Hopefuly by the time we get to Idaho, my kennel trained Shane will have my mom trained. And when we all get there together, live will be peaceful.
As soon as I woke up this morning, I saw a post from my daughter on Facebook. It was a poem she had written about her feelings about losing her brother. She writes amazing poetry.....
**********************
That Pain is Now Upon Us
-Naomi Spiva
You know the feeling of loss
When your heart drops
The feeling of your chest caving in
Its a dreadful feeling
Imagine being so enlightened and content to having a massive pit in your stomach
Then the pit turns into a ravedge animal eating and clawing its way out
That all happened to me
Now I wake up from panic attacks
I wake up with my head being pounded in with nails
With my ribs being crushed under the pressure from sorrow
My breaths go faint, they're barely there
My stomach is being torn to shreds
My heart is being stabbed
Death had taken away a part of my life
He has stolen my happiness once more and made everything worse
Depression is a hungry bear stalking its prey
And there is no where for me to hide
The bear stomps on me with full force pinning me into the dirt
It's teeth is the anxiety that burried into me tearing me from limb to limb
It is truly astonishing how bad news can make this feeling reappear
How news can make you go from cloud 9 to a thousand miles under
Loss and grief are so powerful they can make the wealthy go broke
The tragic feelings can make you go from fit to an overweight alcoholic
They say when someone dies theyre no longer in pain, it's true
The pain is no longer with them
The pain is now upon us as we go through the journey of life without them
*******************************
It makes me incredibly sad that I am not there with my little girl during this time. I'm sad that I am not with my husband or my son Nate. But I know I need to be here with Suzy. She is my daughter and will always be my daughter and as her momma in love/law I would never be able to let her go through this alone. So today as I walked the dog and now as I write this post, my heart is torn in two. Not only am I missing my son who was killed so tragically, I am missing my family in Idaho, terribly. I know I only have 2 1/2 more weeks here, but its hard.
Speaking of the way I talk about my son's death. I have family members who will/can not say that Nick is dead. I get it. It's hard to deal with. But I have to keep saying. Suzy says "he passed away". But to me, he was killed. He wasn't sick. He was vital and lived life large. He had the world ahead of him. He had amazing friends. He touched hundreds of lives. He leaves behind him an incredible scientific legacy...at the young age of 25. He didn't just "pass away". He didn't just "go away". He was TAKEN from me. He was KILLED. And it completely sucks to no end! There is no amount of money from a settlement or a fundraiser that will make this pain go away. There is no amount of food that will bury my pain. There is no amount of alcohol that will make it disappear. There is no amount of pot that will kill this memory (not that I have smoked any). There is no amount of amazing (or even bad) sex that will make me forget (not that I have had any of that, either). There is only time....and its only been 2 weeks. I think I have done a remarkable job of keeping my shit together....but right now in this moment.. I am raw and hurting.
There are moments when I get so mad at people around Suzy. She tells me stories about how people talk to her or about her and all I wanna do is shove my am down their throats and rip their hearts out. Don't mess with my cubs, or this momma bear will come after you.. and I don't care who you are. So here's the deal, people, if you are reading this post. STOP asking her if she and when she is going to go back to college now. Life as she knows it has completely been rolled end over end, and it will continue to do so for god knows how long. Unless you have lost your husband, you have no clue what she is feeling. Hell, *I* don't know what she is feeling. I can only imagine the kind of pain she must be feeling at the loss of the love of her life. But what I do know is, now is NOT the time to be asking her about when and if she is going back to college! Even if she registered now for Spring semester, do you really think her loss would be at bay enough to make decent grades? Seriously? Give her a fucking break! Give her time to grieve. Right now she is busy with day to day stuff like trying to figure out how to take care of bills, how to afford moving, transferring bank accounts, packing, and sorting and just trying to figure out how to get by breath by breath. The last thing she needs is to have people hounding her about what she plans to do about her long term future. There will be time for that. But right now, she needs the time to just be and heal. Besides, she is MOVING back to Idaho, which means she needs at least a year to establish residency again. So back the fuck off and give her some room. Think and use compassion before you speak to her.
I didn't think I knew how to "burry" my son. I didnt' think I knew how to have a memorial for my son. Gratefully, I didn't have to really plan the memorial, his friends at school did that, but I did manage to speak. Yet, I can not manage to go back and read what I wrote or watch the video of the service. I do remember speaking from my heart... a message that was given to me for 3 days before his memorial. It HAD to be said. It's what Nick wanted. But....the point is. I didn't think I knew how to do it. But I did it. And today as I was walking the dog, I thought, I don't know how to go on living with this kind of pain....with this kind of hole in my heart and in my life. I know I must and I know I will. I just don't know how. But like anything else in life, where there is a will, there is a way. And that way will be provided in a minute by minute, breath by breath journey.
I apologize, but I don't want to apologize. I didn't want to be the person who wore my pain so publicly on Facebook...which is why I guess I am writing this very long post here in my journal and then posting it on Facebook. I don't often have posts that generate LOTS of readers.. so I guess I feel this is safe to just let it all hang out there.
I cried... which I guess I needed. I guess I needed to just allow myself to feel for a moment....before I tackle the business at hand (clearing out the house). Thanks for "listening".
I do try very hard to find the positive things to be grateful for. I do have amazing friends and even friends of friends (which are complete strangers to me) sending much needed love and financial support to my family. It's humbling. Suzy and Nick had some amazing friends who are helping us out here in the Florida house as we empty and close it out. I have some amazing friends feeding my family in Idaho. We have lots of love surrounding us. There have been times of crazy laughter. And then times of crazy sadness. There are times when everything is normal and I am going about my daily business when all of a sudden it sneaks up on me and I'm a crying mess in public. It is what it is. There are no rule books on how to mourn the loss of your son who was tragically taken from you by a horrible horrible vehicle accident. (Okay, maybe there are books on it... I haven't looked yet.)
I feel like I need a "Captains Journal" to log all of the craziness of this Florida trip. What would I name is though? "Grieving Mother's Journal, Nov 25, 2014. Day 1..." That doesn't really seem right. I'm grieving but most of the time, you would never really know that. "Mean Doggy Step Mom's Journal...." I don't think I'm all that mean and this dog gets as much love as my own dog, just needs some training (which of course, he may think is mean.) "Circus Ring Leaders Journal" but that doesn't quite fit anyone more when its just Suzy and I (except for the Crazies of Florida). I just don't know what I would call it. It's a mixture of all of that.
Last night, was the first night I made Bubs (my mom's poodle) sleep in his kennel. On top of mourning my son, helping my daughter in love through all of this, and clearing out my mom's house, I have been kennel training my mom's poodle. He is NOT a puppy and is very spoiled and used to ruling the roost around here. When I was here for 5 weeks last year, I had him kennel trained, so some of it is coming back pretty naturally. But other parts like sleeping in his kennel, well he is not very happy about that. I thought I would try to let him sleep with me (since that is what my Mom would do), until he decided to pee on the floor in the bedroom. That is unacceptable behavior for so many reasons: 1) He will be living my new house with my new floors 2) It is a slipping hazard for my mom 3) Its just plain gross! The problem is, putting him in the kennel to sleep, he wails and cries miserably and no one gets any sleep. So we went to the store to buy a collar to stop baring and crying; the trainer said he is only doing that cause of anxiety and the zap collar would make it worse. So we walked out of there, with a thundershirt, some calming edibles that have melatonin in them and went to the store to buy lavender scented plug ins to put beside his kennel.
I threw mom's throw blankets (ones he cuddles up with during the day) into his kennel, and put him in there and hoped for the best. Instantaneously he cried. OMG..he cried. I turned up some soothing music on Pandora hoping that would help. Nope. He cried. I kept talking to him. He cried. OMG. I didn't think he would ever stop! Finally he did. And he even slept trough the thunder storm (which my dog would not do). So....we will keep up with this regimen and hopefully by the time we leave, Bubs will be completely kennel trained. Hopefuly by the time we get to Idaho, my kennel trained Shane will have my mom trained. And when we all get there together, live will be peaceful.
As soon as I woke up this morning, I saw a post from my daughter on Facebook. It was a poem she had written about her feelings about losing her brother. She writes amazing poetry.....
**********************
That Pain is Now Upon Us
-Naomi Spiva
You know the feeling of loss
When your heart drops
The feeling of your chest caving in
Its a dreadful feeling
Imagine being so enlightened and content to having a massive pit in your stomach
Then the pit turns into a ravedge animal eating and clawing its way out
That all happened to me
Now I wake up from panic attacks
I wake up with my head being pounded in with nails
With my ribs being crushed under the pressure from sorrow
My breaths go faint, they're barely there
My stomach is being torn to shreds
My heart is being stabbed
Death had taken away a part of my life
He has stolen my happiness once more and made everything worse
Depression is a hungry bear stalking its prey
And there is no where for me to hide
The bear stomps on me with full force pinning me into the dirt
It's teeth is the anxiety that burried into me tearing me from limb to limb
It is truly astonishing how bad news can make this feeling reappear
How news can make you go from cloud 9 to a thousand miles under
Loss and grief are so powerful they can make the wealthy go broke
The tragic feelings can make you go from fit to an overweight alcoholic
They say when someone dies theyre no longer in pain, it's true
The pain is no longer with them
The pain is now upon us as we go through the journey of life without them
*******************************
It makes me incredibly sad that I am not there with my little girl during this time. I'm sad that I am not with my husband or my son Nate. But I know I need to be here with Suzy. She is my daughter and will always be my daughter and as her momma in love/law I would never be able to let her go through this alone. So today as I walked the dog and now as I write this post, my heart is torn in two. Not only am I missing my son who was killed so tragically, I am missing my family in Idaho, terribly. I know I only have 2 1/2 more weeks here, but its hard.
Speaking of the way I talk about my son's death. I have family members who will/can not say that Nick is dead. I get it. It's hard to deal with. But I have to keep saying. Suzy says "he passed away". But to me, he was killed. He wasn't sick. He was vital and lived life large. He had the world ahead of him. He had amazing friends. He touched hundreds of lives. He leaves behind him an incredible scientific legacy...at the young age of 25. He didn't just "pass away". He didn't just "go away". He was TAKEN from me. He was KILLED. And it completely sucks to no end! There is no amount of money from a settlement or a fundraiser that will make this pain go away. There is no amount of food that will bury my pain. There is no amount of alcohol that will make it disappear. There is no amount of pot that will kill this memory (not that I have smoked any). There is no amount of amazing (or even bad) sex that will make me forget (not that I have had any of that, either). There is only time....and its only been 2 weeks. I think I have done a remarkable job of keeping my shit together....but right now in this moment.. I am raw and hurting.
There are moments when I get so mad at people around Suzy. She tells me stories about how people talk to her or about her and all I wanna do is shove my am down their throats and rip their hearts out. Don't mess with my cubs, or this momma bear will come after you.. and I don't care who you are. So here's the deal, people, if you are reading this post. STOP asking her if she and when she is going to go back to college now. Life as she knows it has completely been rolled end over end, and it will continue to do so for god knows how long. Unless you have lost your husband, you have no clue what she is feeling. Hell, *I* don't know what she is feeling. I can only imagine the kind of pain she must be feeling at the loss of the love of her life. But what I do know is, now is NOT the time to be asking her about when and if she is going back to college! Even if she registered now for Spring semester, do you really think her loss would be at bay enough to make decent grades? Seriously? Give her a fucking break! Give her time to grieve. Right now she is busy with day to day stuff like trying to figure out how to take care of bills, how to afford moving, transferring bank accounts, packing, and sorting and just trying to figure out how to get by breath by breath. The last thing she needs is to have people hounding her about what she plans to do about her long term future. There will be time for that. But right now, she needs the time to just be and heal. Besides, she is MOVING back to Idaho, which means she needs at least a year to establish residency again. So back the fuck off and give her some room. Think and use compassion before you speak to her.
I didn't think I knew how to "burry" my son. I didnt' think I knew how to have a memorial for my son. Gratefully, I didn't have to really plan the memorial, his friends at school did that, but I did manage to speak. Yet, I can not manage to go back and read what I wrote or watch the video of the service. I do remember speaking from my heart... a message that was given to me for 3 days before his memorial. It HAD to be said. It's what Nick wanted. But....the point is. I didn't think I knew how to do it. But I did it. And today as I was walking the dog, I thought, I don't know how to go on living with this kind of pain....with this kind of hole in my heart and in my life. I know I must and I know I will. I just don't know how. But like anything else in life, where there is a will, there is a way. And that way will be provided in a minute by minute, breath by breath journey.
I apologize, but I don't want to apologize. I didn't want to be the person who wore my pain so publicly on Facebook...which is why I guess I am writing this very long post here in my journal and then posting it on Facebook. I don't often have posts that generate LOTS of readers.. so I guess I feel this is safe to just let it all hang out there.
I cried... which I guess I needed. I guess I needed to just allow myself to feel for a moment....before I tackle the business at hand (clearing out the house). Thanks for "listening".
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Martha & Tracy, a Love Story
TOP OF THE WORLD
I was 14 years old and in 9th grade
at Canyon Creek Christian Academy, the same school I had been attending since I
was in 6th grade, when I saw him from across a crowded room. It was the boy I was going to marry and spend
the rest of my life with. The only
problem was, I didn’t even know his name; he was new to school. He was tall, with short dark hair and olive
skin. He was wearing high watered gray corduroy pants. I nudged my girlfriend
standing next to me and said, “See that boy over there, I am going to marry
him.” She just looked at me in disgust
and said, “He’s a geek!” It didn’t
matter to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt he was to be my life’s partner.
Immediately, I started asking questions. I found out that his name was Tracy. Now that I new his name, I could write him a
“welcome to our school” letter. I took
out my pen and a piece of paper and began to write, “Dear Tracy, Hi! My name is Martha. I think you are the cutest boy in the whole
school…..”
After my best friend gave that first note to
him, Tracy and I continued passing notes to each other. I found out that he didn’t’ have a girlfriend
and that he had an older brother. We
were becoming fast friends. Two weeks
after he received my first note, he called me on the phone. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was on a Tuesday, the day I had flute
lessons. I had been outside riding my
bike, and when I came home, my Mom told me I had missed a phone call. She told me that the boy didn’t leave a
message, but that he would call back. I
stopped dead in my tracks. “A boy? Are you sure it was a boy, Mom?” She assured me it was a boy and that he said
he would call back. I ran to my room,
took out my flute and played it while I waited anxiously by the phone.
Time was flying by, and it was time for my flute
lesson. There was no way I was going to
miss a phone call from a boy for my flute lesson, so I called my flute
instructor and told her I was sick and couldn’t make it. Then I continued to wait by the phone. Soon enough, the phone rang. I let it ring 3 times so I wouldn’t look too
anxious; then I took a deep breath and answered, “Hello?” The voice on the other end was deep and
nervous, “Hello, May I speak with Martha?”
My heart stopped! I took another deep
breath and replied, “This is she.”
That first phone call lasted several hours. He told me about his family. I told him about mine. Then he told me something that blew my mind
away. He described the colors of a
country sunset. He told me what the
roses smelled like at Tyler State Park.
He described the beautiful things that could be found in nature. This was totally different than any other
conversation I had had with a 14-year-old boy.
I knew he was special!
Our phone calls and notes continued on a daily
basis for two weeks. Then one day, he
called me and he asked me out on a date. He wanted to take me to Six Flags over
Texas. I was so exited! The only problem was that he wanted to go on
Sunday, the day I go to church. I went
to the other room to talk to my mom. I
dropped to my knees folded my hands under my chin and begged, “Please,
Mom! Please! Tracy asked me on a date to go to Six Flags
on Sunday. Please, let me skip church
and go. I promise I won’t ask to skip church again.” She thought for a bit, and then she gave me
her approval. I ran to the phone and
accepted the offer, and we made arrangements to have my parents drop me off at
his house on Sunday Morning.
Sunday morning, October 23, 1983 came. I jumped out of bed and put on my purple
pants and purple, pink, and yellow striped blouse. My parents drove me to his house and waited
outside while I brought him to them to introduce him. My parents didn’t ask him a million
questions; they just told us to have a good time. After my parents, drove off,
we went back into his house. He had not
finished breakfast yet, so his mom offered me a bowl of cereal. The last thing I was going to do was eat in
front of this boy, so I politely declined the offer.
Soon, we all piled into his 1973 two-door white
Cadillac. His parents were driving. He
sat behind his mom on the passenger’s side, and I sat behind his dad on the
driver’s side. We were plastered to
opposite sides of the car and not saying a word to each other. We couldn’t even look at each other! His mom, in all of her wisdom, kept turning
around and saying, “For two kids who talk non-stop for hours on the phone for
days at a time, you two sure are quiet.
What’s wrong?” All I wanted to do
was crawl under the tires and have the car run me over. And I am pretty sure Tracy felt the same way.
Finally we arrived at Six Flags, and thankfully,
it was decided that we would go off on our own.
It was a beautiful autumn afternoon.
The sun was out, and the air was cool and crisp. All around us, people were laughing and
talking. This was my first real date,
and I considered myself lucky it was with the boy of my dreams! He was so cute, and I couldn’t believe I was
there with him.
Every once in a while our hands would bump into
each other’s while we walked. And
sometimes, I think he even meant them to bump and touch. A few hours after we arrived at the park, we
rode a ride that required us to straddle the bench seat we were sitting
on. Tracy got in first, then I sat in
front him, and he shyly put his arms around me.
From that moment on, our hands were always locked together. My heart could not have been happier. Finally, the moment came in which I knew he
felt the same way about me as I did him.
We were standing in line for the Spinnaker. There was a sense of excitement in the
air. All around us people were laughing,
lovers were in each other’s arms kissing and children were begging their
parents to let them pick the next ride they were going to ride. I watched anxiously as the crowd passed by,
and I tried earnestly to forget my nervousness.
A child tugged at her Daddy’s arm as she ran ahead to their next
destination. A line formed at the cotton
candy cart, as our line moved forward a little more. In my ears, I heard the heavy beating of my
heart. When I stole a glance at Tracy,
the butterflies in my stomach fluttered.
We stood silently in this line. It amazed me that two people who could talk
on the phone for hours could not even muster a word when placed face to
face. The silence was as thick as mud;
then suddenly it was broken. In a
horribly out-of-tune pitch that only a boy with a changing voice could muster,
I heard Tracy begin to sing:
Such
a feeling’s coming over me.
There
is wonder in most everything I see.
Not
a cloud in the sky.
Got
the sun in my eyes.
And
I won’t be surprised if it’s a dream.
I laughed to myself.
I was almost embarrassed; how could he be singing in public with THAT
voice? I had no idea what song he was
singing, but I figured anything was better than the silence. He continued singing:
I’m on top of the world
Looking
down on creation.
And
the only explanation I can find
Is
the love that I found
Every
since you’ve been around.
Your
loves pt me on the top of the world.
Then it hit me: He
loves me! He was feeling the same way I
was feeling. Just being close to him was
a “high”. I had never been as happy as I
was right then. I loved him; he loved
me! Life was good. My heart began beating faster as he looked at
me and finished the song:
Something
the wind has learned my name.
And
its telling me that things are not the same.
IN
the leaves of the trees,
And
the touch of the breeze,
There’s
a pleasin’ sense of happiness for me.
There
is only one wish on my mind.
When
this day is through,
I
hope that we will find
That
tomorrow will be
Just
the same for you and me.
All
I need is mine if you are here.
I’m
on top of the world
Looking
down on creation,
And
the only explanation I can find
Is
the love that I found
Every
since you’ve been around
Your
loves put me on the top of the world.
Well, thousands of tomorrows have come and gone,
and things are very much the same. “Top
of the World” by the Carpenters became “our song.” It tells exactly how we felt back then and
still do today. Almost 20 years and 3
children later, we are still very much in love and on “Top of the World”!
Monday, October 20, 2014
Who Knew Burlesque Would Take Me Here....
To a workshop on breaking obstacles to abundance???!!!! I certainly didn't, but I'm so glad it did!
Legs Malone, an internationally known burlesque performer from NYC, came to Boise to perform and lead her workshop on bringing abundance into her participants lives. From everything I had heard about it, it sounded like much of the same stuff I had learned in a James Ray seminar or at church at the Center for Spiritual Living. But I have been feeling all kinds of out of sorts and I thought I could use the refresher course. I have not really done much spiritually since I hit my head last year. Thankfully, being part of the Burlesque community here in Boise pointed me in the right direction to Legs' workshop.
It's been pretty evident in my blogs for the last year that I have been struggling with my weight and my food and even with getting back in the groove with exercising since my back injury at the new year. I have started and restarted so many times, only to stop again. Why? I remember back in 2011, when the "switch" flipped and doing Weight Watchers and running and taking care of myself was so easy. Then all of a sudden it was gone. Not only has taking care of myself gone by the way side, but in the last couple of months, other parts of my life that I had healed have started to slide too. And on Saturday night, as Tracy and I were laying in bed before sleeping, I found myself apologizing for being a bad wife. And I told him that I felt like I have lost myself and don't know where I went.
So Sunday's workshop could not have come at a better time.
I knew the workshop was about "abundance", which to most people, means money. But based on all the other workshops and seminars and classes I have taken, abundance comes in many forms, including health. And health was my focus. I was not prepared for what I realized in the workshops.
During the workshop, I found myself becoming very aware that this was going to be a very deep process for me and that I had actually NOT healed from something that happened Memorial Weekend 2013 and that when I stop and really think about it, that weekend is where I lost myself and the "switch" flipped itself the other direction and I have been spiraling ever since!
So what happened? My hubby was at dinner with one of our friends and her husband. This friend and I were intimate at one time and were very close. While the 3 of them were at dinner, my friend asked Tracy if he resented me for not working while he worked all day and all I did (in her eyes) was play in the mountains with my friends. She apparently thought we had money problems and that I should be working. This violated my trust on so many levels, but more than that, it did some really seriously deep rooted damage to the way that I think about myself.
So here is a major caveat. This is NOT about my friend and her motives. This is about me. I am a firm believer that people are our best teachers and mirrors. The things we see in other people that we do not like are the things we do not like about ourselves. So in this instance, my friend was just reflecting back to me what I did not like in myself.
Tracy and I do not have money problems at all, but having been a stay at home mom for the better part of 21 years, I do sometimes feel "I am worth less" as a human being. (That is the mirror she was reflecting back at me.) But still, what I learned this weekend went even deeper than that.
So here I was at this workshop with Legs and it dawns on me that I have not let this go. I had more questions than answers, and things from the last month started to make sense. I had been thinking about this woman for the last month. As I was packing to move, I kept finding gifts I had received from her that I had never let go of, and still I had a hard time and could not let go of them. And I wondered why.. after how deeply she had hurt me last. I just kept saying that there was still good things to remember, and we are still friends (though that dynamic has certainly changed). But now here she is smack dab in my healing process this weekend. I had to force myself to be present in the moment and stop questioning my own mind and listen to what Legs was saying. If there were answers, I would find them only if I was present.
We went through an exercise where Legs read us several sentences and we had to finish the sentences with our own thoughts. When it came down to it, when the exercise was complete, I had found my biggest road block to abundance. Though this seminar seemed deeply rooted in abundance=money, for me it meant health. But here is the sentence that really stuck me in the heart:
"The reason that I can not accept prosperity into my life is because........I am ashamed of not working for money and afraid of having too much and being judged for not shopping and spending it."
Those are 3 very different things; however those were the things that my friend had said back on Memorial Weekend 2013. "Do you resent Martha for not working? You say you can't play poker cause you are saving up money for vacation. Martha said she can't buy a purse because its not in the budget." (These things she translated as us having money problems....but in reality..that is so far from the truth. It's just that our value system is different than hers.) So yes, I was being judged for not working and for not spending money when we had plenty to spend. According to her all I ever did was "play in the mountains with my friends." When in actuality, that "playing" was training for an ultra marathon and taking care of myself and being healthy. That is how I got my exercise.
Anyway, during the workshop we created a new affirmation for me to work with, "I am free from the affects of other people's judgement." Time to let that stuff go.
I left the seminar feeling like a huge ah-ha moment had happened. But I was still processing things.... I was still processing why this still bugged me. I thought I had gotten over this. And more importantly, WHY did this have anything to do with my health?
As I was talking to another friend about my experience at the seminar, it all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks.
Memorial Weekend 2013, my brain was still on the "fast track" to healing from the brain injury. I do not know really how to explain this, other than to say, when my brain really started to heal, it was like a blank slate. Like a little bird imprinting on the first face it sees and understands it to be its mother, my brain was doing the same thing. It was taking first impressions, music, people I was surrounded by, words that I heard to describe me as fact and truth in my life. Before the concussion, something like what she said would have irritated me (because of her butting into my business) but I would not have taken her words so personally. But post concussion and in the heart of healing, these words sunk right into my psyche as truth.
It was in that time frame, that I stopped eating properly. I kept running because I was training for the Ultra Marathon in October, but everything else had started to crumble... little by little. My self-esteem took a huge nose dive. I struggled to find self-worth. Once I finished the ultra marathon, I could not stay focused on anything. And I started gaining weight that I could not stop. Then I injured my back and had to have surgery. And things just kept rolling down hill. I have cried and cried and could not figure out what had flipped that "switch" and was not sure how to go about reversing it. I found myself terrified of money again...something I had battled back in 2006 and healed from. But now, even though Tracy makes an amazing salary and we have more than enough, I still feel as though I am always on the verge of not having enough money. Which is crazy. I feel terrified of running out of money. And recently my sex drive has tanked and I feel terrified that it is going back to a time when things were really rough for me. These are ALL things that I USED to struggle with.. and these are all things that are centered around self-worth.
I told Tracy that I felt like I had lost myself and I didn't know where or how. And now I had the answer. My healing brain and imprinted on someone else's truth about me and it grabbed hold of that nonsense and believed it for itself. When the REAL truth is sooooo much different!
So here I am... "I am FREE from the affects of other people's judgement!" "I am worthy of all that I desire."
I have learned so much, and I continue to learn so much from the brain injury I sustained. It is crazy how much of my life has changed. I really did have a bit of a personality change with the healing of the brain injury. I like different music. I have different preferences in various things. Things I used to hate, I love. It is crazy. I never used to cuss and all of a sudden I start dropping F bombs like they are nothing. And now this....the realization that I have taken on someone elses belief about who I am.
I would love to see studies on people healing from brain injuries and "imprinting". After experiencing this, I am a firm believer that if someone has a brain injury, they should only be surrounded by positive people, affirmations about their limitless potential and greatness, amazing music and memories of things they love and make them feel good about themselves! When the brain is sooooo fragile, only the GOOD and AMAZING things should be brought into the brain's waves. Please keep that in mind, the next time someone you love sustains a concussion.
Here's to moving on and getting healthy again!
Oh.. one more thing. As I was sleeping last night, my old favorite Christian Hymn came to mind. "Amazing Grace." I started to sing it in my head... "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me......" I stopped. I am not a wretch! I re-wrote the song and started singing again... "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that awakened my sleeping soul. I once was lost and now I am found. Was blind and now I see."
Saturday, I told tracy I was lost. Sunday, at the end of an exercise, Legs asked us how we felt, and I said, "awakened". And last night was I was going to sleep, I knew I had found myself again and I could see MY truth.
Legs Malone, an internationally known burlesque performer from NYC, came to Boise to perform and lead her workshop on bringing abundance into her participants lives. From everything I had heard about it, it sounded like much of the same stuff I had learned in a James Ray seminar or at church at the Center for Spiritual Living. But I have been feeling all kinds of out of sorts and I thought I could use the refresher course. I have not really done much spiritually since I hit my head last year. Thankfully, being part of the Burlesque community here in Boise pointed me in the right direction to Legs' workshop.
It's been pretty evident in my blogs for the last year that I have been struggling with my weight and my food and even with getting back in the groove with exercising since my back injury at the new year. I have started and restarted so many times, only to stop again. Why? I remember back in 2011, when the "switch" flipped and doing Weight Watchers and running and taking care of myself was so easy. Then all of a sudden it was gone. Not only has taking care of myself gone by the way side, but in the last couple of months, other parts of my life that I had healed have started to slide too. And on Saturday night, as Tracy and I were laying in bed before sleeping, I found myself apologizing for being a bad wife. And I told him that I felt like I have lost myself and don't know where I went.
So Sunday's workshop could not have come at a better time.
I knew the workshop was about "abundance", which to most people, means money. But based on all the other workshops and seminars and classes I have taken, abundance comes in many forms, including health. And health was my focus. I was not prepared for what I realized in the workshops.
During the workshop, I found myself becoming very aware that this was going to be a very deep process for me and that I had actually NOT healed from something that happened Memorial Weekend 2013 and that when I stop and really think about it, that weekend is where I lost myself and the "switch" flipped itself the other direction and I have been spiraling ever since!
So what happened? My hubby was at dinner with one of our friends and her husband. This friend and I were intimate at one time and were very close. While the 3 of them were at dinner, my friend asked Tracy if he resented me for not working while he worked all day and all I did (in her eyes) was play in the mountains with my friends. She apparently thought we had money problems and that I should be working. This violated my trust on so many levels, but more than that, it did some really seriously deep rooted damage to the way that I think about myself.
So here is a major caveat. This is NOT about my friend and her motives. This is about me. I am a firm believer that people are our best teachers and mirrors. The things we see in other people that we do not like are the things we do not like about ourselves. So in this instance, my friend was just reflecting back to me what I did not like in myself.
Tracy and I do not have money problems at all, but having been a stay at home mom for the better part of 21 years, I do sometimes feel "I am worth less" as a human being. (That is the mirror she was reflecting back at me.) But still, what I learned this weekend went even deeper than that.
So here I was at this workshop with Legs and it dawns on me that I have not let this go. I had more questions than answers, and things from the last month started to make sense. I had been thinking about this woman for the last month. As I was packing to move, I kept finding gifts I had received from her that I had never let go of, and still I had a hard time and could not let go of them. And I wondered why.. after how deeply she had hurt me last. I just kept saying that there was still good things to remember, and we are still friends (though that dynamic has certainly changed). But now here she is smack dab in my healing process this weekend. I had to force myself to be present in the moment and stop questioning my own mind and listen to what Legs was saying. If there were answers, I would find them only if I was present.
We went through an exercise where Legs read us several sentences and we had to finish the sentences with our own thoughts. When it came down to it, when the exercise was complete, I had found my biggest road block to abundance. Though this seminar seemed deeply rooted in abundance=money, for me it meant health. But here is the sentence that really stuck me in the heart:
"The reason that I can not accept prosperity into my life is because........I am ashamed of not working for money and afraid of having too much and being judged for not shopping and spending it."
Those are 3 very different things; however those were the things that my friend had said back on Memorial Weekend 2013. "Do you resent Martha for not working? You say you can't play poker cause you are saving up money for vacation. Martha said she can't buy a purse because its not in the budget." (These things she translated as us having money problems....but in reality..that is so far from the truth. It's just that our value system is different than hers.) So yes, I was being judged for not working and for not spending money when we had plenty to spend. According to her all I ever did was "play in the mountains with my friends." When in actuality, that "playing" was training for an ultra marathon and taking care of myself and being healthy. That is how I got my exercise.
Anyway, during the workshop we created a new affirmation for me to work with, "I am free from the affects of other people's judgement." Time to let that stuff go.
I left the seminar feeling like a huge ah-ha moment had happened. But I was still processing things.... I was still processing why this still bugged me. I thought I had gotten over this. And more importantly, WHY did this have anything to do with my health?
As I was talking to another friend about my experience at the seminar, it all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks.
Memorial Weekend 2013, my brain was still on the "fast track" to healing from the brain injury. I do not know really how to explain this, other than to say, when my brain really started to heal, it was like a blank slate. Like a little bird imprinting on the first face it sees and understands it to be its mother, my brain was doing the same thing. It was taking first impressions, music, people I was surrounded by, words that I heard to describe me as fact and truth in my life. Before the concussion, something like what she said would have irritated me (because of her butting into my business) but I would not have taken her words so personally. But post concussion and in the heart of healing, these words sunk right into my psyche as truth.
It was in that time frame, that I stopped eating properly. I kept running because I was training for the Ultra Marathon in October, but everything else had started to crumble... little by little. My self-esteem took a huge nose dive. I struggled to find self-worth. Once I finished the ultra marathon, I could not stay focused on anything. And I started gaining weight that I could not stop. Then I injured my back and had to have surgery. And things just kept rolling down hill. I have cried and cried and could not figure out what had flipped that "switch" and was not sure how to go about reversing it. I found myself terrified of money again...something I had battled back in 2006 and healed from. But now, even though Tracy makes an amazing salary and we have more than enough, I still feel as though I am always on the verge of not having enough money. Which is crazy. I feel terrified of running out of money. And recently my sex drive has tanked and I feel terrified that it is going back to a time when things were really rough for me. These are ALL things that I USED to struggle with.. and these are all things that are centered around self-worth.
I told Tracy that I felt like I had lost myself and I didn't know where or how. And now I had the answer. My healing brain and imprinted on someone else's truth about me and it grabbed hold of that nonsense and believed it for itself. When the REAL truth is sooooo much different!
So here I am... "I am FREE from the affects of other people's judgement!" "I am worthy of all that I desire."
I have learned so much, and I continue to learn so much from the brain injury I sustained. It is crazy how much of my life has changed. I really did have a bit of a personality change with the healing of the brain injury. I like different music. I have different preferences in various things. Things I used to hate, I love. It is crazy. I never used to cuss and all of a sudden I start dropping F bombs like they are nothing. And now this....the realization that I have taken on someone elses belief about who I am.
I would love to see studies on people healing from brain injuries and "imprinting". After experiencing this, I am a firm believer that if someone has a brain injury, they should only be surrounded by positive people, affirmations about their limitless potential and greatness, amazing music and memories of things they love and make them feel good about themselves! When the brain is sooooo fragile, only the GOOD and AMAZING things should be brought into the brain's waves. Please keep that in mind, the next time someone you love sustains a concussion.
Here's to moving on and getting healthy again!
Oh.. one more thing. As I was sleeping last night, my old favorite Christian Hymn came to mind. "Amazing Grace." I started to sing it in my head... "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me......" I stopped. I am not a wretch! I re-wrote the song and started singing again... "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that awakened my sleeping soul. I once was lost and now I am found. Was blind and now I see."
Saturday, I told tracy I was lost. Sunday, at the end of an exercise, Legs asked us how we felt, and I said, "awakened". And last night was I was going to sleep, I knew I had found myself again and I could see MY truth.
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