Martha & Tracy, a Love Story

TOP OF THE WORLD

I was 14 years old and in 9^th grade at Canyon Creek Christian Academy, the same school I had been attending since I was in 6^th grade, when I saw him from across a crowded room.  It was the boy I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with.  The only problem was, I didn’t even know his name; he was new to school.  He was tall, with short dark hair and olive skin. He was wearing high watered gray corduroy pants. I nudged my girlfriend standing next to me and said, “See that boy over there, I am going to marry him.”  She just looked at me in disgust and said, “He’s a geek!”  It didn’t matter to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt he was to be my life’s partner.

Immediately, I started asking questions.  I found out that his name was Tracy.  Now that I new his name, I could write him a “welcome to our school” letter.  I took out my pen and a piece of paper and began to write, “Dear Tracy, Hi!  My name is Martha.  I think you are the cutest boy in the whole school…..”

After my best friend gave that first note to him, Tracy and I continued passing notes to each other.  I found out that he didn’t’ have a girlfriend and that he had an older brother.  We were becoming fast friends.  Two weeks after he received my first note, he called me on the phone.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was on a Tuesday, the day I had flute lessons.  I had been outside riding my bike, and when I came home, my Mom told me I had missed a phone call.  She told me that the boy didn’t leave a message, but that he would call back.  I stopped dead in my tracks.  “A boy?  Are you sure it was a boy, Mom?”  She assured me it was a boy and that he said he would call back.  I ran to my room, took out my flute and played it while I waited anxiously by the phone.

Time was flying by, and it was time for my flute lesson.  There was no way I was going to miss a phone call from a boy for my flute lesson, so I called my flute instructor and told her I was sick and couldn’t make it.  Then I continued to wait by the phone.  Soon enough, the phone rang.  I let it ring 3 times so I wouldn’t look too anxious; then I took a deep breath and answered, “Hello?”  The voice on the other end was deep and nervous, “Hello, May I speak with Martha?”  My heart stopped!  I took another deep breath and replied, “This is she.”

That first phone call lasted several hours.  He told me about his family.  I told him about mine.  Then he told me something that blew my mind away.  He described the colors of a country sunset.  He told me what the roses smelled like at Tyler State Park.  He described the beautiful things that could be found in nature.  This was totally different than any other conversation I had had with a 14-year-old boy.  I knew he was special! 

Our phone calls and notes continued on a daily basis for two weeks.  Then one day, he called me and he asked me out on a date. He wanted to take me to Six Flags over Texas.  I was so exited!  The only problem was that he wanted to go on Sunday, the day I go to church.  I went to the other room to talk to my mom.  I dropped to my knees folded my hands under my chin and begged, “Please, Mom!  Please!  Tracy asked me on a date to go to Six Flags on Sunday.  Please, let me skip church and go. I promise I won’t ask to skip church again.”  She thought for a bit, and then she gave me her approval.  I ran to the phone and accepted the offer, and we made arrangements to have my parents drop me off at his house on Sunday Morning.

Sunday morning, October 23, 1983 came.  I jumped out of bed and put on my purple pants and purple, pink, and yellow striped blouse.  My parents drove me to his house and waited outside while I brought him to them to introduce him.  My parents didn’t ask him a million questions; they just told us to have a good time. After my parents, drove off, we went back into his house.  He had not finished breakfast yet, so his mom offered me a bowl of cereal.  The last thing I was going to do was eat in front of this boy, so I politely declined the offer.

Soon, we all piled into his 1973 two-door white Cadillac.  His parents were driving. He sat behind his mom on the passenger’s side, and I sat behind his dad on the driver’s side.  We were plastered to opposite sides of the car and not saying a word to each other.  We couldn’t even look at each other!  His mom, in all of her wisdom, kept turning around and saying, “For two kids who talk non-stop for hours on the phone for days at a time, you two sure are quiet.  What’s wrong?”  All I wanted to do was crawl under the tires and have the car run me over.  And I am pretty sure Tracy felt the same way.

Finally we arrived at Six Flags, and thankfully, it was decided that we would go off on our own.  It was a beautiful autumn afternoon.  The sun was out, and the air was cool and crisp.  All around us, people were laughing and talking.  This was my first real date, and I considered myself lucky it was with the boy of my dreams!  He was so cute, and I couldn’t believe I was there with him.

Every once in a while our hands would bump into each other’s while we walked.  And sometimes, I think he even meant them to bump and touch.  A few hours after we arrived at the park, we rode a ride that required us to straddle the bench seat we were sitting on.  Tracy got in first, then I sat in front him, and he shyly put his arms around me.  From that moment on, our hands were always locked together.  My heart could not have been happier.  Finally, the moment came in which I knew he felt the same way about me as I did him.

We were standing in line for the Spinnaker.  There was a sense of excitement in the air.  All around us people were laughing, lovers were in each other’s arms kissing and children were begging their parents to let them pick the next ride they were going to ride.  I watched anxiously as the crowd passed by, and I tried earnestly to forget my nervousness.  A child tugged at her Daddy’s arm as she ran ahead to their next destination.  A line formed at the cotton candy cart, as our line moved forward a little more.  In my ears, I heard the heavy beating of my heart.  When I stole a glance at Tracy, the butterflies in my stomach fluttered.

We stood silently in this line.  It amazed me that two people who could talk on the phone for hours could not even muster a word when placed face to face.  The silence was as thick as mud; then suddenly it was broken.  In a horribly out-of-tune pitch that only a boy with a changing voice could muster, I heard Tracy begin to sing:

Such a feeling’s coming over me.

There is wonder in most everything I see.

Not a cloud in the sky.

Got the sun in my eyes.

And I won’t be surprised if it’s a dream.

I laughed to myself.  I was almost embarrassed; how could he be singing in public with THAT voice?  I had no idea what song he was singing, but I figured anything was better than the silence.  He continued singing:

I’m on top of the world

Looking down on creation.

And the only explanation I can find

Is the love that I found

Every since you’ve been around.

Your loves pt me on the top of the world.

Then it hit me:  He loves me!  He was feeling the same way I was feeling.  Just being close to him was a “high”.  I had never been as happy as I was right then.  I loved him; he loved me!  Life was good.  My heart began beating faster as he looked at me and finished the song:

Something the wind has learned my name.

And its telling me that things are not the same.

IN the leaves of the trees,

And the touch of the breeze,

There’s a pleasin’ sense of happiness for me.

There is only one wish on my mind.

When this day is through,

I hope that we will find

That tomorrow will be

Just the same for you and me.

All I need is mine if you are here.

I’m on top of the world

Looking down on creation,

And the only explanation I can find

Is the love that I found

Every since you’ve been around

Your loves put me on the top of the world.

Well, thousands of tomorrows have come and gone, and things are very much the same.  “Top of the World” by the Carpenters became “our song.”  It tells exactly how we felt back then and still do today.   Almost 20 years and 3 children later, we are still very much in love and on “Top of the World”!

Who Knew Burlesque Would Take Me Here....

To a workshop on breaking obstacles to abundance???!!!!  I certainly didn't, but I'm so glad it did!

Legs Malone, an internationally known burlesque performer from NYC, came to Boise to perform and lead her workshop on bringing abundance into her participants lives.  From everything I had heard about it, it sounded like much of the same stuff I had learned in a James Ray seminar or at church at the Center for Spiritual Living.   But I have been feeling all kinds of out of sorts and I thought I could use the refresher course.  I have not really done much  spiritually since I hit my head last year.   Thankfully, being part of the Burlesque community here in Boise pointed me in the right direction to Legs' workshop.

It's been pretty evident in my blogs for the last year that I have been struggling with my weight and my food and even with getting back in the groove with exercising since my back injury at the  new year.  I have started and restarted so  many times, only to stop again.  Why?  I remember back in 2011, when the "switch" flipped and doing Weight Watchers and running and taking care of myself was so easy. Then all of a sudden it was gone.  Not only has taking care of myself gone by the way side, but in the last couple of months, other parts of my life that I had healed have started to slide too.  And on Saturday night, as Tracy and I were laying in bed before sleeping, I found myself apologizing for being a bad wife.  And I told him that I felt like I have lost myself and don't know where I went.

So Sunday's workshop could not have come at a better time.

I knew the workshop was about "abundance", which to most people, means money.  But based on all the other workshops and seminars and classes I have taken, abundance comes in many forms, including health.  And health was my focus.  I was not prepared for what I realized in the workshops.

During the workshop, I found myself becoming very aware that this was going to be a very deep process for me and that I had actually NOT healed from something that happened Memorial Weekend 2013 and that when I stop and really think about it, that weekend is where I lost myself and the "switch" flipped itself the other direction and I have been spiraling ever since!

So what happened?  My hubby was at dinner with one of our friends and her husband.  This friend and I were intimate at one time and were very close.  While the 3 of them were at dinner, my friend asked Tracy if he resented me for not working while he worked all day and all I did (in her eyes) was play in the mountains with my friends.  She apparently thought we had money problems and that I should be working.  This violated my trust on so many levels, but more than that, it did some really seriously deep rooted damage to the way that I think about myself.

So here is a major caveat.   This is NOT about my friend and her motives.  This is about me.   I am a firm believer that people are our best teachers and mirrors.  The things we see in other people that we do not like are the things we do not like about ourselves.  So in this instance, my friend was just reflecting back to me what I did not like in myself.

Tracy and I do not have money problems at all, but having been a stay at home mom for the better part of 21 years, I do sometimes feel "I am worth less" as a human being.  (That is the mirror she was reflecting back at me.)  But still, what I learned this weekend went even deeper than that.

So here I was at this workshop with Legs and it dawns on me that I have not let this go.  I had more questions than answers, and things from the last month started to make sense.  I had been thinking about this woman for the last month.  As I was packing to move, I kept finding gifts I had received from her that I had never let go of, and still I had a hard time and could not let go of them.  And I wondered why.. after how deeply she had hurt me last.  I just kept saying that there was still good things to remember, and we are still friends (though that dynamic has certainly changed).  But now here she is smack dab in my healing process this weekend.  I had to force myself to be present in the moment and stop questioning my own mind and listen to what Legs was saying.  If there were answers, I would find them only if I was present.

We went through an exercise where Legs read us several sentences and we had to finish the sentences with our own thoughts.  When it came down to it, when the exercise was complete, I had found my biggest road block to abundance.  Though this seminar seemed deeply rooted in abundance=money, for me it meant health.  But here is the sentence that really stuck me in the heart:

"The reason that I can not accept prosperity into my life is because........I am ashamed of not working for money and afraid of having too much and being judged for not shopping and spending it."

Those are 3 very different things; however those were the things that my friend had said back on Memorial Weekend 2013.  "Do you resent Martha for not working?  You say you can't play poker cause you are saving up money for vacation.  Martha said she can't buy a purse because its not in the budget."  (These things she translated as us having money problems....but in reality..that is so far from the truth.  It's just that our value system is different than hers.)  So yes, I was being judged for not working and for not spending money when we had plenty to spend.  According to her all I ever did was "play in the mountains with my friends."  When in actuality, that "playing" was training for an ultra marathon and taking care of myself and being healthy.  That is how I got my exercise.

Anyway, during the workshop we created a new affirmation for me to work with, "I am free from the affects of other people's judgement."  Time to let that stuff go.

I left the seminar feeling like a huge ah-ha moment had happened.  But I was still processing things.... I was still processing why this still bugged me. I thought I had gotten over this.  And more importantly, WHY did this have anything to do with my health?

As I was talking to another friend about my experience at the seminar, it all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks.

Memorial Weekend 2013,  my brain was still on the "fast track" to healing from the brain injury.  I do not know really how to explain this, other than to say, when my brain really started to heal, it was like a blank slate.  Like a little bird imprinting on the first face it sees and understands it to be its mother, my brain was doing the same thing.  It was taking first impressions, music, people I was surrounded by, words that I heard to describe me as fact and truth in my life.  Before the concussion, something like what she said would have irritated me (because of her butting into my business) but I would not have taken her words so personally.  But post concussion and in the heart of healing, these words sunk right into my psyche as truth.

It was in that time frame, that I stopped eating properly.  I kept running because I was training for the Ultra Marathon in October, but everything else had started to crumble... little by little.  My self-esteem took a huge nose dive.  I struggled to find self-worth.  Once I finished the ultra marathon, I could not stay focused on anything.  And I started gaining weight that I could not stop.  Then I injured my back and had to have surgery.  And things just kept rolling down hill.  I have cried and cried and could not figure out what had flipped that "switch" and was not sure how to go about reversing it.  I found myself terrified of money again...something I had battled back in 2006 and healed from.  But now, even though Tracy makes an amazing salary and we have more than enough, I still feel as though I am always on the verge of not having enough money.  Which is crazy.  I feel terrified of running out of money.  And recently my sex drive has tanked and I feel terrified that it is going back to a time when things were really rough for  me.  These are ALL things that I USED to struggle with.. and these are all things that are centered around self-worth.

I told Tracy that I felt like I had lost myself and I didn't know where or how.  And now I had the answer.  My healing brain and imprinted on someone else's truth about me and it grabbed hold of that nonsense and believed it for itself.  When the REAL truth is sooooo much different!

So here I am... "I am FREE from the affects of other people's judgement!"  "I am worthy of all that I desire."

I have learned so much, and I continue to learn so much from the brain injury I sustained.  It is crazy how much of my life has changed. I really did have a bit of a personality change with the healing of the brain injury.  I like different music.  I have different preferences in various things.  Things I used to hate, I love.  It is crazy.  I never used to cuss and all of a sudden I start dropping F bombs like they are nothing.  And now this....the realization that I have taken on someone elses belief about who I am.

I would love to see studies on people healing from brain injuries and "imprinting".  After experiencing this, I am a firm believer that if someone has a brain injury, they should only be surrounded by positive people, affirmations about their limitless potential and greatness, amazing music and memories of things they love and make them feel good about themselves!  When the brain is sooooo fragile, only the GOOD and AMAZING things should be brought into the brain's waves.  Please keep that in mind, the next time someone you love sustains a concussion.

Here's to moving on and getting healthy again!

Oh.. one more thing.  As I was sleeping last night, my old favorite Christian Hymn came to mind. "Amazing Grace."  I started to sing it in my head... "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me......"  I stopped.  I am not a wretch!  I re-wrote the song and started singing again...  "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that awakened my sleeping soul.  I once was lost and now I am found.  Was blind and now I see."

Saturday, I told tracy I was lost.  Sunday, at the end of an exercise, Legs asked us how we felt, and I said, "awakened".  And  last night was I was going to sleep, I knew I had found myself again and I could see MY truth.

Be Careful What You Ask For....

****** WARNING*******  I am always authentic in what I post, but this blog post is going to get very REAL.  Might have some adult language and is going to be deep and possibly disturbing to anyone who has a past with sexual assault.  Read at your own risk.

Moving and clearing things out has a way of stirring emotional shit up.  I have been getting rid of excess stuff that has been stored and not used.  It has been freeing.  But just last weekend, more stuff was stirred up.

Ever since the end of last year, I have been dealing with weight and food issues coming back.  I could not figure out why.  Back in 2011, a switch just flipped for me and eating right and taking care of myself just came really easily.  And now, its a hard fight.  I don't get it.  What has switched in me and how do I get it to switch back?   (This has been on my mind for a while.. and getting worse as I see the pounds pack on and sizes increase...especially as snowboard season approaches and I seriously doubt I will fit into my gear.)

Anyway, last Thursday, I got an email from our current property manager for the house we are living in.  They wanted to show the house today (Monday) at 5pm.  We are still living here and was not planning on deep cleaning the house until after we moved.  AND I read this right after finding out that a friend had passed and our bonus children were needing our help to get them from Twin Falls to Boise on Friday (a whole day used up in driving).  On top of all of this, we also planned on spending the entire weekend at the new house getting it ready for floors to be laid this week (painting walls, doing baseboards, running hoses for the fish tank).  There was NO time scheduled to do a deep clean of the current house.  Not to mention the idea of strangers wandering through my house that I am living in completely creeps me out.  

Anyway, all of this started to stir up stuff.  Tracy called me neurotic for not wanting people to help me clean my current house.  I got really mad at him, but to be honest, what he said made me think.  He is right.  I am a bit crazy when it comes to allowing people to help me clean.  He said it comes from my childhood home that was covered in roaches and animal feces and trash.  We had maids, but it didn't help.  I grew up in filth. I just did.  There is no way around it.  Mind you, my house may get messy, but it is NOT the house I grew up in.  With that said, we do have severe pet damage to our rugs downstairs in the basement.    All of my pets are doggy door trained, but we made the mistake of buying couches that were used and had (without us knowing) some animal marking on them.. that drove dogs who came to visit my house crazy.  AND we had other dogs visit my house that were NOT trained... which pissed me off to no end.  AND we had a dieing dog that had issues before he passed.  So ya...  Not pretty.  NO matter how much I shampoo, the carpets are disgusting.  And yes, it takes me back to when I was a kid growing up in that house.  I don't want people in my house.  I don't even want my friends in my house.  I have told the property management about the carpets.  It is no secret to them.  But still.  It makes me literally crazy.  (And yes, I get to use literally.. and you will see why in a minute.)

Anyway, I spent the remainder of the day Friday (after doing all of that driving) and all day Saturday cleaning the house and shampooing carpets (well Tracy shampooed most of it).  Friday night, I decided to indulge in an altered state and do some meditation.  In that meditation, I asked "Why am I fighting with food and weight again?"  

Like I said, be careful what you ask for!

For those of you who do not know, I used to have DID (Dissociate Identity Disorder...or multiple personalities).  This was caused from childhood rape and severe trauma.  Actually, from the time I was 5 until I was in my 30's I was sexually assaulted several times by several different people.  And the personalities I had collected the memories and held them for me and protected me from them in order for me to survive.  I have spent a couple of decades dealing with body memories and actual real memories and personalities... healing and integrating.  DID and PTSD are not that is easy to heal from.  And the concussion I sustained last year was nice enough to bring back some of the PTSD symptoms, but I have managed to keep them in check (or so I thought). Anyway...

I asked that question Friday night, and the answer I received was NOT what I was expecting.  In this state of mind, I was altered enough to let down my guard and these personalities that have been quiet for so long all came out to "play" and by "play", I mean brought back ALL of the memories of ALL of the sexual assaults in DETAIL.  I was actually reliving ALL of the assaults... physically and emotionally.  My 45 year old Martha had checked out, and these other personalities took over.  I was crying, begging for it to stop, kicking and flailing trying to get away from my perpetrators.  It was horrific!  It wasn't until I heard Tracy (from the distance.. even though I was in his arms) saying, "Can Martha come back to me?"  that I realized I had checked out and they had taken over.    

Poor Tracy was there trying to hold me and comfort me while I cried, kicked, flailed.  All he could do was watch as I was terrorized by my memories as inside I felt every touch of my assaults.  Once I heard Tracy trying to talk to the personalities and ask them to let me come back, I realized I had to fight my way back.  I had never had all of them take over at one time like that.  They kept switching back and forth.  From the background of my mind, I could feel my physical body contorting as each personality took over.  I was afraid I would not be able to come back from this.  I had to beg and plead these personalities to calm down and let me back.  I had to assure them, that Tracy was there and taking care of me... that I was safe and this was all in the past.  I had to thank them for protecting me and ask them to let me come back.  I had to console the crying 5 year old, calm the angry 15 year old and make promises to the one I know is there but has no name or age that I can remember.  

Finally they retreated and let me come back.  I guess I had my answer.  WTF??? I thought I had dealt with all of this shit before.  Why is it back now?  I spent Saturday morning in Tracy's arms trying to explain what had happened and what I was feeling... and apologizing for what I must have put him through the night before.  *sigh*

Then last night as I slept, I had a dream in which I was explaining in great detail my original child hood trauma.  I felt so sad and broken in my sleep.  I was with some new love interest  (some anonymous person in my dream).  I had explained everything to him, and he loved me anyway.  

I realize that way back when I was dealing with all of this, this stuff always came up around October and lasted until January.  It was "that time of year".  Well guess what?  Look at the calendar. Yup, October is 2 days away.  And I'm moving, getting rid of things, clearing things out.  And I'm dealing with some things that literally make me crazy.  So I guess I have my answer... and there is more work in this regard to be done.  

When will the healing be completely done?  The mind has an amazing way of giving you what you can deal with, when you can deal with it.  When it knows you are strong enough, it gives you more.  I say, "Alright, already!  Enough!  You obviously think I'm stronger than I think I am.  Thanks for the vote of confidence, but enough already!"

I'm ready for the move to be over with.  I'm ready to have life back to normal.  I'm ready to start this new adventure in life.. come what may!

How Could Something So Peaceful Stir Up PTSD?

In February and March of this year, I participated in several peaceful demonstrations, one resulting in arrest.  These demonstrations were peaceful in nature.  We stood silently, respectfully, focussed on our mission and on saving the lives of the oppressed LGBT by asking the state government to hold a hearing to add the 4 words Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation to the already existing state Human Rights Act.  In the many arrest actions (as well as other non arrest actions) held, our group was not aggressive.  Yes, we blocked important door ways or hall ways sometimes, but we NEVER attacked anyone.  We NEVER spoke harshly to anyone.  However, the same can not be said for those whom we blocked.

Our group was pushed.  Some of our group were bruised.  Some of our group were physically hit by government officials.  And on multiple occasions our group was physically threatened by a "legally blind" man named Fred (a citizen of Idaho who likes to attend all of the public meetings in the capitol). When he approached our group and tried to break through the lines, he would purposefully pump into us.  He could see us. He knew we were there.  And, as we were trained to do, those whom he bumped into would respond with "ouch!".  Fred would respond with something like, "If you want ouch, I can hit you with my stick."  (I am paraphrasing, but it was captured on the live feed of the day I got arrested.  And it was captured by our own video crews and can be seen in the documentary made about Adding the Four Words.)

Anyway, these peaceful actions, though peaceful on our part were not always met with peaceful responses.  The day I was arrested, we were yelled at by other citizens.  I heard several of my friends yelling "Ouch!" as they were being hit by government officials.  And all I could do was stand there, silently, peacefully, respectfully and let this happen. We all knew what we signed up for, and unfortunately, this was part of it.  While that was happening, I was in tears as I stood there. We were being "victims" of abuse.  I don't like the word "victim"....especially since it was our choice to stand there and take what we knew would likely happen. But in a legal sense, if charges had been pressed (which we never did), we would have been deemed "victims".  So that is the word I use.  However, in reality, standing there, we were empowered and we were exercising that empowerment. But why.... why.....if I was so empowered, do I feel PTSD creeping in.

6 months after being arrested, I was in a restaurant. As I was leaving and walking towards the exit, I saw him.  FRED!  The "legally blind man" from the capitol.   Just as if I had a seen a rattle snake in my path, I turned the other direction and wanted to scream and run.  Fear filled every fiber of my being.  I turned back around and walked back to my husband.  My heart was racing.  I said... "Look!  Fred is here!"  Tracy never went to the demonstrations.  He was not really familiar with this elderly "gentleman" who harassed peaceful demonstrators for sport. However, my husband did see him threatening the people in my group that I was arrested with.  He saw him do it via live streaming video. But still, Fred was out of context to him and I was so frantic, I could not explain who it was in that moment.

We left the restaurant, and I felt completely shaken up.  And I asked Tracy, "Why does seeing that man, now, make me feel this way?"   It was more of a rhetorical question. I knew Tracy couldn't answer. Not may people would understand how I was feeling...or how I am STILL feeling.    Well there are about 100 people who might understand.  Those are the 100 people that got arrested during this past legislative session.  Those of us who cried for years for equality. Who cried for months during our demonstrations. Those of us who stood at the lines of this abuse.  Those of us who remember the suicides of LGBT youth..the ones we stood and fought for. Those of us who silently walked the halls of the capitol, hands on the shoulder of the person in front of us... walking silently with hand over our mouths holding pictures of these fallen youth.....while lawmakers averted their gaze and refused to recognize the pain in our state.  Those are the people who will understand how I am feeling today.

I guess that is how something so peaceful can stir up my PTSD.  Fred, the legally blind rattle snake that can make me scream and run the other direction.  *sigh*  You can see him in the video link below.

Add the Words Movie Trailer

This too shall pass, and one day all Idaho residents will be treated fairly and equally.

The Highs and the Lows of Hiking in the Mountains

You expect them right?  I mean there IS altitude change in there.  But THAT isn't what I am talking about.

I went for a hike today.  It was my first long hike since back surgery 14 weeks ago.  I decided to hike 5 Mile Gulch to Watchman Trail to Three Bears, to Rocky Canyon Road and back to my car.  Somewhere around 6 miles.  This route does some climbing; actually there is climbing at the beginning either way I decided to go.  I was super stoked to be out hiking in my happy place!

Anyway, I have not done any real climbing since right before surgery.  I did 6 miles on Pole Cat right before surgery.  That was slow too.  But today, was SUPER slow.

I started out on 5 Mile Gulch with a pace of a 25 minute mile.  Last year at this time, I was doing this same stretch of trail at a minimum of 18 minutes/mile.  Then again, last year I was training for my first ultra marathon and I was in pretty damn good shape (not the BEST shape of my life, but I was strong, healthy and lighter).  As I hiked this trail, I started beating myself up.  "You are so slow!" "You have gained so much weight!"  "You are no where NEAR where you were a year ago!" "You might as well just turn back."  Ugh!!!!  Seriously!  I reached the fork at 5 Mile Gulch and Watchman Trail; its about a mile and a half in and it took me entirely too long.  I was so discouraged.  But I told myself to keep going.  Turning back was just silly.

After throwing a pitty party for myself, I decided to stop worry about pace and just enjoy the fact that I am ABLE to be out there enjoying the beautiful day. The sun had not risen over the mountains yet, so it was still cool and the first signs of Autumn had already fallen onto the ground.

Once I had shifted my focus, my feet felt lighter.  I had a skip in my step.  I was stopping to take more pictures.  I was feeling frisky and I was going over the last couple of years of my life. I was taking stock of all of my accomplishments.  I am MORE than the slow pace in which I am hiking. In the last 4 years, I completed 4 marathons, 4 half marathons, a 10K,  a couple of 5Ks, and a 50K.  I road my bike 400 miles in a week including my first century ride in that week, started belly dancing and have performed numerous times including a duet with my beautiful daughter, and gave birth to my burlesque persona and performed for the first time ever on stage as a solo act.  I have done all of this with 3 years of injury:  Knee surgery in 2012, head injury in 2013, and my back injury/surgery in 2014. I have had amazing accomplishments that don't even count as official races, like the fact that my training runs just for fun were marathon distances.  (That still cracks me up that I have become that person.)  I found my love for trail running and have enjoyed the mountains tremendously.  I have found a love for cycling and would love to do so much more of it.  I found my love for performing as a dancer..either with my belly dancing sisters or putting on sultry music and twirling tassels on stage.....either one makes me extremely happy!  Then there are the amazing friends I have gained in the last 4 years.  Our amazing 25th wedding anniversary trip to Belize last summer.  My amazing trips to Washington to spend time with beautiful people.  The trip to Washington DC and Philly this summer where I got to check off several things from my bucket list..including running the Rocky Stairs!  My life is truly blessed, and the fact that I get to go out into the mountains during the week, while everyone is at work and I have the beauty all to myself is such a treasure!   I have NOTHING to complain about!  So I skipped my way along the Watchman Trail.  I even had to cross over a couple of small water crossings (if you want to call them that).

And seriously, how many people (on a school day) get to hang out in the mountains and watch the sun rise over the mountains?

I was certainly enjoying my happy place... the mountain trails.  Then at about 3 1/2 miles in, my back started to hurt.  I felt my enthusiasm for this beautiful hike begin to die down.  Just 4 days ago, I was taking a TRX class when I hurt my back and I was concerned that maybe I had re-injured my back in the same spot I had surgery.  On Wednesday I was still having a difficult time walking.  But here I am on Friday, doing this hike and 3 1/2 miles in, there is no way out.  I just have to finish my hike, pain and all.  

I started to remind myself that I am still only 14 weeks post op.  Sometimes, it can take 6 months to completely heal from the surgery I had.  I have to remember that I am human.  I am 45 years old.  And it takes time to heal.  And even with the pain, I am still dancing, I am riding my bike, I am swimming, I do yoga, I ran up the rocky stairs and I'm hiking in my happy place!  This too shall pass, and until it does, be grateful for what I do have...which is an amazing life blessed with more opportunities than I can even imagine.  Enjoy THIS moment.  Stop worrying about what I used to be able to do.  Stop worrying about what I might not be able to do again.  And focus on what I can do in THIS moment.  So I kept walking and taking pictures......enjoying the beauty around me.  I even picked up a friend along the way.

I have run these trails before. I have even taken this exact route once before (in the spring during a rain shower while the flowers were in bloom) but it never surprises me to see the vegetation change while I hike.   I started in a Gulch with trees over head that gave way to high desert shrubs.  But higher up, I could see the pines of the mountains.  Then I came out of the lush green Gulch and found myself surrounded by Sages bushes and once at the top of Watchman and reach the Three Bears trail head, I see this beautiful view of my city below and the green trees below the mountains.  And when I keep walking, the Sage turns to tall dry grasses until I finally reach the road to hike back to my car.

The short trek up Rocky Canyon Road back to the 5 Mile Gulch trail head where my car was parked was filled with tired gratitude.  All I wanted to do was get to my car, sit down, rest my back, and call my hubby and thank him for providing me with such an amazing life and all the time in the world to romp around in my happy place and reconnect with who I truly am.  

Life is an adventure, and it is not meant to be lived sitting on a couch with a lap top on my lap.  It is meant to be lived outside romping the through the mountains, riding my bike along the greenbelts, and stretching myself and experiencing the present moment and all the gifts and majesty the Universe provides.  It is meant to be danced and filled with laughter.  And yes, sometimes life requires that I sit still in my house and heal, but that doesn't and shouldn't ever take away from the joy that my life is!  Plain and simple!

A Memorial Ride for Carl Daugherty

A little over a week ago, after visiting with my dear friends, Angie and Todd, they received horrible news.  1) Angie's best friend's (Shannon) Dad was in a horrible, life threatening accident, and then 2) just a couple of days later, their brother in law, Carl Daugherty, was hit by a car while riding his bicycle while training for the Hotter Than Hell ride.  Carl sustained broken bones and a severe brain bleed that we all prayed he would come back from.  I watched as my friends reeled and did the absolute best they could do to support their family and their friends.  And from my home in Idaho, I cried and I prayed for both of these families.

Shannon's dad is still fighting, but Carl "graduated from Earth School".  (That is the way one of my friends refers to the passing of an individual.  I like that idea.  That we come here, learn and give what we can, then when we have done what we came here to do and learn what we are suppose to learn, we Graduate.

As soon as Angie told me that the doctors had decided Carl was not gong to come back from his brain injury and that his amazing heart would be donated to help another human being stay alive, I knew what I needed to do.  I had been sending messages of love and support to my friends this whole time.  But for Carl, I needed to honor him.  I needed to celebrate HIS life.  (I know that sounds crazy considering I have never met the man, but I felt like this is the only thing I could do to honor him and to support his family during this transition.)  I am a cyclist after all, and what is a cyclist to do when another cyclist loses their life?  Ride, of course!  So, Carl, Cheryl, Charity, Caleb, Curtis, Angie, Todd, Darby, James, and the rest of your family.... this 23 mile ride is for you!!!!

Dear Carl,

I have never met you. But here in Boise, when a cyclist loses his battle to a car, the cycling community puts up a "ghost bike" at the spot of the accident and holds a memorial ride. So today, on this beautiful end-of-summer morning, I took a sunrise ride for you.

If Angie and Todd had moved to Boise, there is a high probability, that you and I would have met and we would have taken a ride along the beautiful Boise Greenbelt.  (Or we might have taken a ride up through the mountains, but let's face it, I'm too out of shape for that kind of ride, so the Greenbelt it would have been!)  Boise has over 22 miles of paved bike path along the Boise River, and it's gorgeous. It goes through numerous city parks, the foot hills/mountains are just North of the path, it is lined with beautiful old trees, and is always busy with people and animals alike!  Today was no different.

I started around 7:40 just as the sun was starting to rise over the mountains and the Spirit of Boise Balloon Classic was starting to take off (even if the park where the balloons were launching was still miles away from where I was starting my ride).  I was out for 2 1/2 hours (or so) which means I was out for rush hour traffic on the Greenbelt.  Cycling commuters, morning runners, young and old, dogs, geese, ducks, pheasants and squirrels were all sharing this 2 lane paved path.  It was busy and exciting. I don't know if you know this, but Geese don't like to share the road.  They were all over the path, and would not move for anything. I rang my bell.  I used my manners and said excuse me. And when they finally moved, they honked at me like some irate driver giving me the finger!  And the squirrels had a death wish today; I don't know what was so important, but they really NEEDED to run across the path in front of me today!  Don't even get me started on the dog owners with retractable leashes!

Anyway, it was a busy and beautiful day on the Greenbelt and for 23 miles, I thought about you.  I replayed images of pictures from your visit with Angie and Todd and the pictures they have been posting lately.  I thought about Cheryl and your 3 beautiful children.  I thought about the amazing heart you are donating... your heart... your love will continue on. What a beautiful gift you have given!   Today, as the sun rose over the mountains shining bright with hope for a new day, I thought about the hope you have given to another family and how bright you made their day!

Then I thought about your family.... and I turned my head to see the reflection of the trees on the still and quiet pond....and I sent love and peace their direction.

I got back on my bike and left the beautiful pond behind me.  I kept you in my heart as I rode and greeted everyone I came across.  "Good morning!" "Have a great day!"  I smiled and thought about the big heart of yours.  I remember reading how much you loved to give to others, so today I shared that gift with the people I met along my ride.  

As I mentioned earlier, today was the Spirit of Boise Balloon Classic.  Today there were over 30 balloons launching from Ann Morrison Park.  I arrived at one of my favorite spots along the greenbelt. It is another pond/lake on one side and the river (with an eternal wave for Kayaking and surfing) on the other.  During the heat of the summer, you can find surfers in wet suits and helmets trying to surf this wave or kayakers learning to kayak the turbulent waters.  In the pond on the other side, there are swimmers training for their open water race for a tri events or people paddle boarding.  But it was too early this morning for any of that.  Instead, what I saw were the balloons rising up over the city and I thought about your spirit being set free....

I wanted to get a better look at the balloons, so I hopped back on my bike and rode as fast as I could (which is not very fast with this silly back of mine) to the park where they were launching.  I got there just as the last balloon had been lifted into the sky....

With all of the balloons in the sky, it was time for me to get back to the ride. I have no idea if you even ever thought about hot air balloons, but they always seemed like magic to me.  And they always make me smile.  When I was a kid in Richardson, Texas, it was a rare occasion that one would fly over my house and land at the school in my neighborhood.  Every time I see a balloon in the air, I think about being a kid in Richardson, hopping on my bike and chasing after the balloon to see where it will land.  So, today, while seeing these balloons, I thought about Texas... I thought about you. I thought about your family....my friends..who are all there so close to my childhood home...and I smiled as I chased these balloons on my bike thinking about you.

It's kind of funny.  Like I said, I have never met you.  But on today's bike ride, the idea of being a kid.. being happy.. playing outside kept coming to me.  I ride this Greenbelt often.  But today, of all days, I was there with the balloons AND I came across something I have NEVER seen before.  

The Greenbelt runs on both sides of the river with bridges every so often to allow you to cross over.  One of those bridges crosses from the Boise State University campus to Julia Davis Park.  During my loop today, I crossed that bridge twice today....and this is what I found....

I have no idea why these little toy soldiers were glued to the railing of this bridge over the Boise River, but they made me smile.  I used to play with toy soldiers when I was a kid, and I thought..."Well, maybe Carl did too.  He was a boy after all!"  A kid playing, laughing, being outside.

As a cyclist, it is amazing the adventures we  have and the things we see that we don't typically see or feel while in a car.  A road that has hills never feels all that "hilly" when riding in a car, but as soon as you get on a bike, you discover a whole new road, right? It's that thrill of adventure, the thrill of beating a time, or climbing up that dreaded hill, or riding longer than we have before that keeps us on our bikes.  It's that sense of adventure and play that we had as kids; only Carl, as cyclists, we never grew out of it! That is what had you on your bike training for HHH.  You were doing something that you loved.  You were doing something that made you smile.  And you were doing something that taught your beautiful children something powerful.  They will take that message of perseverance, adventure, playfullness with them everywhere they go; of that I am certain. 

I know this is long, but hey.. it was 23 miles!  But As I was heading into the home stretch of my ride, I was so happy to see my favorite part of the Greenbelt... the giraffes from the Boise Zoo.  They always make me smile.  As I was taking pictures of them, Angie sent me a message saying she wanted to share my status message about my ride for you.  That is when I decided I would write you this letter and share this ride with you...and your family.  I hope the giraffes bring them as big of a smile as they do me.

Carl, Thanks for sharing the ride with me today!  Thanks for giving me a reason to get on my bike and enjoy the beautiful day with the balloons, the giraffes, the geese, the suicidal squirrels, and all of the people of the Greenbelt.  Thanks for sharing your life with my friends.  Thanks for sharing your life with your family.  Thanks for sharing such an amazing gift with a family you will never meet.  You have blessed this world.  Ride In Peace.